Latest / Astrology Hub Podcast / [HOROSCOPE HIGHLIGHTS] How to Make a Change: The Sun Squares Pluto w/ Astrologer Christopher Renstrom
Transcript
- 0:56Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
- 1:05Next on Horoscope Highlights.
- 1:11Hi there and welcome.
- 1:13This is Amanda, the founder of Astrology Hub, and you're listening to our week ahead snapshot with world class astrologer, historian, and author of the Cosmic Calendar, Christopher Renstrom.
- 1:25This show is designed to give you a quick overview of the week ahead, enabling you the gift of choice in how you navigate and weave these energies into your daily life.
- 1:35Enjoy.
- 1:55Hello, my name is Christopher Renstrom, and I'm your weekly horoscope columnist here on Astrology Hub.
- 2:02And this week, I want to talk to you about the Sun Pluto square taking place on October 21st.
- 2:08But before I do, did you know that you can read about transits for your own sign by subscribing to my weekly newsletter?
- 2:17Go to astrologyhub.
- 2:19com slash horoscope.
- 2:21Again, that is astrologyhub.
- 2:24com slash horoscope to subscribe to my newsletter.
- 2:28Now, let's go ahead and talk about that sun, Pluto square.
- 2:34Before we even do that, what about that quote that I just shared with you?
- 2:39Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
- 2:47That quote is from one of the great writers of America.
- 2:50His name was James Baldwin, and he is just, well, I have to say, a personal hero of mine.
- 2:56He has been for a number of years, but like many great works of literature, you can scan his writings and you can always find something that hits you for the first time or strikes you in a different way.
- 3:09Kind of like a light play on the window, you know, something that all of a sudden evokes something different.
- 3:14in you, but that idea, not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
- 3:25I love that because there is a kind of ambivalence to it.
- 3:30In other words, what he's saying is that.
- 3:32Not everything can be changed in your life, okay?
- 3:35There, there are, there are going to be circumstances beyond your control.
- 3:39There are going to be things that have been set in motion that you have no power to redirect.
- 3:45Uh, there are going to be, um, events that just simply outweigh you.
- 3:50Uh, it might be environmental, it might be cultural, it might be economic, um, it might even be facing or battling with some sort of personal addiction.
- 4:01So when he says not everything that is faced can be changed, in other words, just because we stand up to something doesn't mean it's going to change.
- 4:10All right.
- 4:11And, and many of us want that assurance.
- 4:13We, we want that guarantee that if we stand up against an injustice or we stand up against something that's wrong, or if we fight for our rights, that it's going to be changed.
- 4:23And maybe we don't get that guarantee.
- 4:25Maybe we don't get that result right away.
- 4:28Does that mean that we give up?
- 4:30Does that mean we say, Oh, well, I guess it's bigger than me.
- 4:34Does that mean that we just cede ground to something that is bullying or, or domineering?
- 4:41No, what Baldwin is saying in this, in this quote is that Nothing can be changed until it is faced.
- 4:50There's no guarantee that you staring down something that bullies you in your life is going to succeed in your triumph or your victory, okay?
- 4:59But at the same time, you don't know if you could change it until you face it.
- 5:06And it's something that I think we should all bear in mind, uh, when we see what unfolds in our lives this week with the upcoming Sun Pluto square that's taking place.
- 5:18Now, for many of you, you're probably under the impression, oh, this is the last time that the sun's going to square Pluto.
- 5:26Yeah.
- 5:27You know, then it goes into Aquarius and we begin our whole new world on a whole different chapter.
- 5:33Well that's not exactly how it's going to play out.
- 5:36Um, the sun actually is going to square Pluto again, around this time next year because there's going to be one more sun, in Libra squared to Pluto and Capricorn that takes place before Pluto leaves Capricorn altogether.
- 5:50Uh, so I can hear the groans and the sighs of exasperation from the audience out there.
- 5:56But, um, if...
- 5:57Pluto teaches us anything, it's anything, in its own time, and that time doesn't move for anyone.
- 6:04The planets, uh, orbit the sun in their own time, with their own, uh, length of years, and these are things that we have to work with, and these are things that we cannot.
- 6:15change.
- 6:16Um, so, so, but what is this sun Pluto square?
- 6:20Actually, I've been talking a lot about Libra lately.
- 6:23I mean, I, I think it's been the last two weeks and, and, and this will be the concluding part.
- 6:28So it's kind of like a trip tick if you think about it.
- 6:32Um, why have I been talking about Libra so much?
- 6:34Because there's been so much going on involving Libra, so much going on that has to do with justice, which is wrapped up in the Zodiac sign of Libra.
- 6:45So much that's go that's going on that has to do with war, and peace, and keeping pledges, and treaties, and promises.
- 6:54All of these things are very much wrapped up into the Zodiac sign of Libra.
- 6:59And we began with, um, uh, a Mars Pluto square in Libra.
- 7:04It was followed by an eclipse, and now we have the third part, which is the Sun squaring Pluto in the Zodiac sign of Libra.
- 7:12Libra is a very challenging sign.
- 7:17Okay.
- 7:17Um, personally, I had a lot of trouble trying to understand or wrap my mind around Libra.
- 7:22It took me years.
- 7:23There's always a sort of part in the Zodiac.
- 7:26Uh, maybe you guys have had this experience too, where even when you were listing the signs, you'd sort of like get two or three mixed up, or you couldn't figure out their order.
- 7:35Like, which one came after cancer again?
- 7:38Okay, so, so, and, and for me, that part of the zodiac, when I was like memorizing the signs, and for a number of years, decades, that I was practicing as an astrologer, was always hard for me to figure out the Virgo Libra thing.
- 7:51That seemed to just be this like, um, blind spot or empty spot for me in the zodiac.
- 7:57I would be like, Oh, it's Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, and, um, uh, you know, and Virgo, Virgo and, uh, Libra, Libra, Scorpio.
- 8:07And then you're back on, you know, I was back on solid ground after Scorpio, then I could do the rest.
- 8:12Well, Virgo and Libra were two signs that often thwarted my best attempts at trying to really understand them.
- 8:19And one of the wonderful things about being an astrologer, for as long as I've been an astrologer, um, is that you learn along the way.
- 8:29And so over a period of time, my clients taught me about Virgo.
- 8:33My clients taught me about Libra, as did my studies and my research and things that I felt resonated with the, with the signs in life or in something that I was reading or perusing or film or television show that I was watching.
- 8:49Libra is a challenging sign.
- 8:52Uh, first of all, as you know, because it's the only zodiac sign that's not a creature or an animal.
- 8:55It's an instrument.
- 8:57All right.
- 8:57Um, but Libra is a challenging sign because what it stands for is the other side of the story.
- 9:06Libra, as we know, is the scales.
- 9:08It's the balance.
- 9:10It can, uh, show itself in the, uh, visage of a judge or mediator, um, or someone who is going to broker a truce or a negotiation.
- 9:21Uh, it might be someone that you go to in an hour of need or, or, or something bad has happened and, and you expect this person or this agency to stand up for you.
- 9:32That's going to be Libra.
- 9:34Libra's job is to basically keep the peace.
- 9:37in the Zodiac.
- 9:39Um, and it doesn't do this just by putting daisies in the rifles of, you know, policemen pointing at you like those pictures from the 1960s.
- 9:48It does that by setting up a law, making sure that everyone obeys it, and keeping the peace, enforcing that law if it has to.
- 9:57But part of Libra's genius, and some might even say part of Libra's curse, Is their ability to see both sides of a situation.
- 10:06Okay, um, it is an automatic in a Libra.
- 10:10They hear a story to ask what the other person's, uh, version of that story is.
- 10:15Are you in agreement?
- 10:16Are you in disagreement?
- 10:17Do you remember things happening a different way?
- 10:20Uh, how, how, how, how did you experience this going on?
- 10:24So with Libra, there's always another side of the story.
- 10:28and this is something that we very much espouse in, for instance, our justice system.
- 10:33You know, that someone could be accused of something, you know, and, and, and, and, but it doesn't mean that you're immediately found guilty.
- 10:39You know, you can be accused of something, but someone has to present evidence for you.
- 10:44Someone has to present evidence against you.
- 10:46The lawyers, uh, engage in a debate, in, in, in a battle, in a battle of justice.
- 10:52Sometimes They also negotiate or work out a deal or something along those lines, but in our idealized idea of the court system, there are two battling sides of a story and, and, and one of them must make the convincing argument in front of a jury, which is a jury of one's peers.
- 11:13Um, so it is the nature of the justice system, it's the nature of Libra to ask, well, what's your side of the story?
- 11:21There's always another side of the story.
- 11:24And that can be inconvenient.
- 11:27That can be very inconvenient if you feel like some harm has been done to you.
- 11:31That can be inconvenient if there's a history of evil or oppression that's been done against you.
- 11:37That can be inconvenient.
- 11:39If anyone should be able to see the horrible things that have been done, and, and, and, and things need to be righted, that needs to happen right now.
- 11:48Okay, so, we, we aren't always really comfortable or excited, or, or, or, or thrilled about the other side of the story, okay?
- 11:58We have our own side of the story, and, and, and, and so, obviously, if you have your own side of the story, you want things to go your way.
- 12:05But, How do you react to the idea that there is another side of the story?
- 12:10This is something that began to really sort of open up, um, my understanding of Libra.
- 12:17Um, does it mean that someone's doubting what you're saying?
- 12:20You know, if, if a judge or teacher or superior or, or someone in a place of judgment says, Okay, we've heard your side of the story, Christopher, now we're going to hear Clarissa's side of the story, you know, is it like, you know, oh, you know, uh, you don't believe me or you doubt me or, or, or why should you believe Clarissa, you know, um, so, so do we have this feeling that someone is doubting what we have to say?
- 12:45Do we, when someone says there's another side of the story, let me check that out.
- 12:49Do we feel like someone is challenging us?
- 12:52Um, or do we maybe even feel like we're being disqualified altogether?
- 12:57You know, um, there can be an element of, of, of, of, of, of, of confrontation in that Libra, uh, uh, in, in, in pleading your case in front of the judge.
- 13:11There can be an element of.
- 13:13judgment and also confronting.
- 13:15You're facing someone who has a different side of the story than you do.
- 13:19And as I said, that's an inconvenient thing.
- 13:21No one likes having another side of the story nowadays.
- 13:23Nowadays, it's my side of the story and I'm going to find people who are going to back up my side of the story.
- 13:29And if my side of the story is questioned, I'm going to get louder or I'm going to like cite all these facts or footnotes and all these sorts of things.
- 13:35And I'm just like, not going to listen to the other person who has another side of the story.
- 13:39Okay.
- 13:40Yeah, I'm We all have seen where that has gotten all of us, not in a really great place.
- 13:46So the art of debate is a really good thing.
- 13:48The art of argument is a really good thing.
- 13:50The idea of listening and taking into account both sides of the story to render a judgment, these are good things, ideally, but they're not necessarily convenient things, and they're not necessarily things we like.
- 14:05And when we're facing enormous ethical questions in which harm has been done.
- 14:11It's very hard to pause and ask what the other side of the story is or where the other person is coming from.
- 14:22It's a very hard thing to do.
- 14:24And it's something that Libra symbolizes in the Zodiac.
- 14:27Um, so the sun in Libra.
- 14:31is very much, as I said, you know, it's the only image that's really an instrument.
- 14:35It's not a creature or an animal.
- 14:38So there's a kind of, interestingly enough, a kind of infallibility that's kind of assumed about this, this Libra scale.
- 14:45It's supposed to be impartial and it's supposed to render a verdict without, uh, prejudice or persuasion.
- 14:52Um, but that's not always the case, but we want it to be the case, especially when it comes to an idea of justice.
- 14:59Okay, then we're dealing with a square.
- 15:01A square is a one upmanship between two planets, okay?
- 15:06Um, you can kind of think of it as like, I'm going to have the last word, and then the other planet is like, no, I'm going to have the last word, and the other planet is like, well, You know, we all know that you need to have the last word, which is why I'm going to say this.
- 15:18And then the other planet is like, you were just slipping in the last word just so that you could have it.
- 15:23And so I'm going to say this.
- 15:25And so this is what a square does.
- 15:27It's, it's, you know, a one upmanship that goes on between the two planets in a zodiacal chart.
- 15:34They're battling, they're battling to get the upper hand.
- 15:37Okay.
- 15:38So it's not a quiet, uh, it's not a quiet combination.
- 15:42It's not a harmonious aspect.
- 15:44Um, it's something that can be judged by degrees, you know, um, in its lighter flavor can be sort of like, you know, poking fun or poking in the ribs and, you know, and then it's darkest flavor.
- 15:58It can, it can be very detrimental and it can be very harmful.
- 16:02That's not always what it means.
- 16:03It can go there.
- 16:04It doesn't always have to go there.
- 16:07And so then we have this Pluto, this Pluto and Capricorn and Pluto.
- 16:14Pluto's relationship to Capricorn is a very interesting one.
- 16:17Before the discovery of the modern planets in 1781, that's why they're called the modern planets, Uranus was discovered in 1781, Neptune in 1846, and Pluto in the year 1930.
- 16:30Before the discovery of the modern planets, Saturn was the planet that stood at the end of our solar system.
- 16:37So Saturn was the planet that stood at the end of time and, and really sort of placed the boundary, the barrier between the time and the world we live in and eternity and everything that existed outside of time.
- 16:51That was one of Saturn's aspects.
- 16:53Another one of Saturn's characteristics is, uh, That it ruled over everything that had been exiled into the underworld, everything that had been repressed or suppressed by Uranus in the underworld.
- 17:08And so Saturn has always been associated with the outcasts or the despised or peoples or cultures that are demonized.
- 17:18They're not like us.
- 17:19They don't belong here.
- 17:22They need to go down there.
- 17:24down south down into the underworld away from where we are.
- 17:29Okay.
- 17:29And so this was Saturn's realm.
- 17:32He wasn't really in charge of the underworld, but this was one of the areas of life, uh, that was attributed to Saturn when it was being interpreted in a horoscope.
- 17:43With the discovery of Pluto, Pluto sort of took over, um, that, that, that underground realm from Saturn.
- 17:51Um, and it was kind of an easy thing to do by word association.
- 17:55Pluto is, Greek, uh, name is Hades and Hades was associated to hell and death and underworld.
- 18:00So of course, Pluto's like, you know, going to be the planet of the underworld.
- 18:04Let's decide that in 1930.
- 18:06Okay.
- 18:06And so that's what was decided in 1930.
- 18:09Um, Pluto ended up really living up to that reputation much more than we ever, uh, expected, thought of, or imagined.
- 18:19But anyway, Pluto is very much the planet that's associated to the underworld.
- 18:25And it's associated to seeds that are, uh, planted in darkness so that, uh, in the following spring they can rise and live again.
- 18:33It's associated to ruins.
- 18:34It's associated to bones.
- 18:36It's associated to secrets that are buried.
- 18:40Uh, it's associated to history.
- 18:42the great or weren't, didn't make the telling that have been forgotten, or, or outlawed or thrown out.
- 18:49So Pluto has kind of taken over those, those aspects of Saturn, although they do sort of like intersect in a few areas with all of that.
- 18:58So um, A sun in Libra is going to be, as we know, idealistic.
- 19:04Okay, that's, that's something that all the air signs are by nature.
- 19:07And it's going to believe in law and order, and it's going to believe in a reasoned universe, and it's going to believe in rules and laws, and that if you don't have rules and laws, if you don't, obey a rule or law, if you don't do what you're told, if you don't observe treaties and contracts and truces and boundaries.
- 19:29Um, if you don't observe these sorts of things, then society is going to go to hell in a handbasket.
- 19:35Okay.
- 19:35So Libra, um, which we often, you know, many people will say, oh, well, Libra, is it really capable of that?
- 19:43It's so vacillating, doesn't know what's on mind.
- 19:45You know, Libra is that statue of justice outside the courthouse.
- 19:48Okay.
- 19:49So Libra will lay down the law and Libra will enforce it.
- 19:53It may not be in your face, but it will be done.
- 19:57All right.
- 19:57Well, Pluto, um, in Capricorn, Pluto's always the devil's advocate, shall we say.
- 20:06And so, um, Pluto, who basically got the short end of the stick when he was drawing lots with Zeus and Poseidon at the beginning of our world.
- 20:17Zeus got the heavens, Poseidon got the beautiful oceans and waters, and Pluto got the underworld.
- 20:23Uh, Pluto kind of also ended up getting The last and final say so where the other gods, you know, can get stormy and make themselves known and all these sorts of things.
- 20:34Pluto doesn't really say a lot.
- 20:36Um, Pluto doesn't really show up a lot and mids, but everyone knows that Pluto is there and everyone doesn't want to be on the wrong side of.
- 20:45Pluto.
- 20:46So, uh, Pluto, ever the devil's advocate, says, okay, to the sun in Libra, uh, rules must be obeyed and laws are drafted for this, but, who ends up paying the cost of that?
- 21:02All right?
- 21:03Because not everyone is judged equally.
- 21:07Not everyone is seen, um, equally in the dishes of, of, of the scale.
- 21:15There are people who have advantages.
- 21:17There are people who have been born to advantage and privilege.
- 21:21There are people who get away with things.
- 21:24So what about that?
- 21:27Okay, and this is always the great challenge, and this is part of the square.
- 21:32What can happen?
- 21:33And we were first sort of Well, we are alerted, let's put it this way, what can happen, and this is something that's been passed down to us through all of our literature and all of our, scriptures and all of our Bibles and all of our ideologies and religions, um, one sort of ongoing theme that can happen, um, and you.
- 21:59was very much taken up by, uh, Sigmund Freud, and particularly Carl Jung, um, is the demonization of the other, okay?
- 22:09In other words, if you have this idea, or you subscribe to this idea, that you need to do X, Y, and Z to make the world a good place, And anyone who is thwarting you, anyone who doesn't agree, anyone who, um, is, is, is, is maybe even attacking you verbally or perhaps even physically, okay, they're evil and they're bad people, you know, anyone who doesn't play along, anyone who doesn't follow the rule, anyone who doesn't subscribe to the creed or bend the knee, anyone They are demonized, they are bad, they are mean, they are malevolent, and we have to, and we just have to, like, take all of our darkness and project it onto them.
- 22:52Okay, that's, there's Freud and Jung in a nutshell, right?
- 22:55And we're all pretty much, um, uh, uh, familiar with the idea of projection.
- 23:01Now! Some of what's happened in recent years with the idea of projection is that it's become more personalized, you know, that that that and and and it was articulated as a psychological process and and so it becomes more personalized and it's about sort of owning parts of ourselves.
- 23:21Um, that, uh, we don't like and we need to, um, understand and maybe it's a repressed part of ourself and we should be celebrating it, or maybe it's a part of ourself that really is like not nice and we should be like trying to understand it or justify it or, or maybe because we're frustrated and annoyed with the whole thing, just forget it.
- 23:39What we don't necessarily do is understand how projection can take place on a social and a cultural.
- 23:49Level.
- 23:50Um, when we start saying that another people is bad or another culture is satanic or, um, there are ways of life that really need to be, uh, repressed or outlawed or whatever.
- 24:05Wiped out all together, you know, and the more that you repress, the more that you bind, the more that you punish or expel the enemy, the more like the enemy you become, which is Peace.
- 24:23a basic adage, and it's been around for a number of centuries.
- 24:26Okay.
- 24:27So in other words, the more that you see in someone, you know, all, all the things that are disagreeable and that you feel are a threat to who you are, maybe even a threat to the world, you know, the, you know, those are those, you know, fat butt capitalists who are just, you know, burning away fossil fuels.
- 24:44You know, we have to like, you know, The more you do that, or if you're the flip, you know, you're, you know, some unfeeling, um, religious ideologue, uh, fascist person who just wants, you know, control things, and, and we have to fight you.
- 24:59The more extreme, the more pitched that becomes, okay, the more It comes out in a Plutonian way, okay.
- 25:12The other person might be like that, but in your deal with the devil, okay, to beat the bad person, to wipe out anything that's, um, uh, threatening or evil, what people don't always follow, but history always tells, is that the people who do this the most Powerfully or strongly are the ones who eventually become like that, which they are trying to expel.
- 25:45And of course, these are the same people who will point to that and say, well, I was justified.
- 25:50I was wounded, I was persecuted, I was victimized, I was burned at a stake, you know, I was thrown into prison, my, my people have suffered these horrible things, my culture has suffered these horrible things, um, we have a right to be angry and outraged, and to call evil out when we see it, and to expel it.
- 26:13Well, Pluto should be so knowable.
- 26:17Saturn should be so, um, understandable.
- 26:21These are the planets that we really associate the most with shadow or the dark side, but at the same time, these are planets that give us great sources of wisdom.
- 26:38All right.
- 26:39And it's not wisdom based on shame.
- 26:42It's not wisdom on one day, you know, the scales fall from our eyes and we see it.
- 26:48It's wisdom based on the fact that there's an uneasy conscience.
- 26:52You know, it's wisdom based on the fact that it's not, you know, the more we fight this, the more we feel like we're losing the battle.
- 27:01Pluto and particularly Saturn, and I'm talking about Saturn here because Pluto is in the Saturn world sign of Capricorn.
- 27:08Saturn has a wonderful, deep and abiding love of irony.
- 27:12And it's not to have the last laugh.
- 27:15But it's to show, okay, that the more that you're trying to stamp out what you think is dark and evil and, and that there's no listening to the other side, that they didn't come from anywhere, that, that what is being done against you is so outrageous that you could only react not only in the same way, but even more so continues.
- 27:37This cycle.
- 27:38Okay, the snake swallowing its own tail or boros.
- 27:43Okay, it continues the tedium of time.
- 27:47And the thing about the tedium of time.
- 27:49And one of the lessons that Saturn teaches is that If we go through something enough that it becomes tedious, we're either going to accept it as that's the way of the world, okay, and so we expect, we accept the limit or we accept the boundary, the wall that we've hit in life, or we go through the tedium of it so many times that it becomes so like, I cannot do this again.
- 28:16And that's when we change.
- 28:21We change.
- 28:22Not always in those hallelujah moments, or in those moments of epiphany, or when we see, or, you know, when all is revealed.
- 28:31Uh, we don't always change when we're so angry and we fight back and get our way, or triumph, okay?
- 28:38A lot of times we change because of tedium.
- 28:41We've been through it so many times that we're, we're just like, oh my god, I cannot go through this again.
- 28:46I have to change my approach, or what I do.
- 28:49Okay, and that's when the change is.
- 28:52Take place.
- 28:53But anyway.
- 28:55Outrage is something that fuels the fire, okay?
- 29:00The more outraged that one becomes, the more gasoline gets thrown on the fire, which is something that Libra is trying to fight against.
- 29:09Um, but Libra, with its promises of law and order and justice and, you know, um, Pluto is like, well, you.
- 29:18promised, and how long are people supposed to be kept waiting?
- 29:22Well, you've promised, but you've also done some egregious things in the name of law and order.
- 29:28You promised to make these changes, but then you've insisted you can't make these changes because it's not the right time.
- 29:35When are these changes going to be made?
- 29:38When are these promises going to be fulfilled?
- 29:41So, if we understand that outrage, Escalates outrage.
- 29:48Think of a rash.
- 29:50You know, the more you scratch it, the more it burns and the more you have to scratch again against it.
- 29:55This this is outrage.
- 29:56This is what outrage does.
- 29:58Okay.
- 29:59Um, you know, do we manage outrage by being impartial or or unmoved?
- 30:05You know, that's impossible for any human being to do.
- 30:08People get outraged, okay, and they get angry.
- 30:12History has an outrage to it, okay?
- 30:14There's, there's, there are things that have been done wrong for centuries that demand a reckoning, that demand a comeuppance, that demand to be recognized, okay?
- 30:23So, so, so, so the way of understanding or managing outrage, it's not, even think of that word, managing my outrage.
- 30:32Really?
- 30:33Right.
- 30:33Good luck.
- 30:34Okay, so that's not the key.
- 30:37The key, how do we change the story of escalating outrages, of pointing and pointing and, and binding and expelling and throwing out and getting angry and, and being full of fear and just, you know, needing to weaponize this, that, and the other thing.
- 30:52Okay?
- 30:53How do we work with that?
- 30:55You know, at this time, at this pitch time of a Sun Pluto square?
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- 31:46com slash inner circle and join us today.
- 31:49I can't wait to see you on the inside.
- 31:52I wanted to share with you a little story, and this is a story from my own meager modest life.
- 31:59Okay, there's nothing groundbreaking or, or, or, or, or a dramatic or life changing about this story, but it's a story that I did want to share.
- 32:11Um, My childhood was, was a pretty nice childhood.
- 32:15Okay, I'm, I'm, I'm going to sort of say that, you know, it was a, it was a nice childhood.
- 32:20Um, uh, we never had to worry about, um, poverty or war or, or, uh, our family wasn't, um, weighed down, you know, by tremendous burdens, but like other childhoods in my, uh, um, suburban area where I grew up, uh, in the 1970s.
- 32:40Um, there was a little thing called alcoholism and, and it was more than a little thing.
- 32:45It was something that very much took place a lot behind the closed doors of what were supposed to be these manicured lawns and white picket fences.
- 32:54And my father battled with alcoholism and, subsequently, uh, uh, two, two of my brothers have, and, a couple of nephews, okay, have all battled with alcoholism and they battled with it in different times because the times have changed in the, understanding of that and the dealing with, with that, with that illness.
- 33:18When I was growing up, it was seen as a personal weakness or a failing.
- 33:24And my father really battled with it a lot.
- 33:28I remember in the morning when getting ready for school, you know, my mom was drinking coffee and we're like, you know, uh, drinking orange juice or grabbing whatever before we have to go, you know, and catch the bus or whatever.
- 33:42was a scotch and soda.
- 33:43Okay, and this was like at the beginning of the day.
- 33:46Um, so, so what this sort of enacted upon him was he had a very dark temper, a very dark side to him, and a very, very bad, very bad, and out, out of control, temper and he would, express it, emotionally and also physically.
- 34:07Uh, there was one incident.
- 34:08I was raised with four brothers and, um, I, of course, was the one brother that was not like the others.
- 34:14Okay, so they were all like, you know, uh, the, the, the shelves of our, uh, den were lined with their athletic trophies.
- 34:22It would be a football trophy, a golf trophy, a baseball trophy, or something like that.
- 34:26And, and I had my my, photographs of appearing in a play or singing at the Christmas concert, three Kings of Orient are or something like this.
- 34:38It was clearly not on the level of, you know, these trophies.
- 34:42Um, and I didn't mind it.
- 34:45I was good.
- 34:46But I remember one day it was in the fall.
- 34:49It was a cloudy day.
- 34:50And, uh, I had been drafted into football or something.
- 34:54And I hated, you know, it's like, okay, football or whatever.
- 34:57And my father was, you know, throwing a pass or whatever.
- 35:00My brother got it.
- 35:01It's like, you know, and like, you know, Oh, you know, great.
- 35:04You caught it.
- 35:05So, so, um, so we're doing this.
- 35:08And, uh, my father said, Hey, you guys clear out, uh, Christopher.
- 35:13Go long.
- 35:14I was like, catch it.
- 35:17And he threw and he threw it with a real power.
- 35:21Now, my father was a college football athlete.
- 35:24Okay.
- 35:25So he threw it with the power.
- 35:26And, you know, my first reaction, of course, was, you know, jump out of the way, you know, and, uh, you know, my brothers laugh good naturedly.
- 35:34They're like, let's go back to the game.
- 35:36And my dad was like, no, no, no, let's do it again.
- 35:38Let's do it again.
- 35:39And so, um, they were like, well, you know, my brother's like, you know, I was like, okay.
- 35:44And, and he threw it, you know, just as powerfully.
- 35:47And I remember kind of catching it.
- 35:50Like it hit my chest and it bounced up into my face and out again.
- 35:54And, and it hurt, you know, and there was this moment where I looked at my dad and my brothers had taken the football back to him.
- 36:03And there was a moment where he looked at me with true malice.
- 36:08It was just, I'll never forget the look.
- 36:11It was just true malice.
- 36:13And he said, let's do it again.
- 36:16And he took that football and he threw it and it came so fast and it hit so hard and it hit me in the side of the head really, really hard with the power of what a college athlete or an ex college athlete could muster.
- 36:38You know, and I remember my brothers being shocked and him kind of like amused.
- 36:48And I don't know whether it was the pain.
- 36:54Or the upset, there were tears burning in my eyes, perhaps even the fear, you know, that, that this, that there was a malevolent energy that was happening here.
- 37:11And I was about maybe 13, 14 at the time.
- 37:14And, um, I ran.
- 37:17I ran.
- 37:18I ran.
- 37:18Um, I, I, I was upset.
- 37:20I was crying.
- 37:21I, you know, I was hurting and I ran.
- 37:25And, uh, we happened to in my neighborhood live, um, you know, like maybe two blocks away from the church.
- 37:32Okay, St.
- 37:33Dennis was, was the name of the church.
- 37:35And, um, and there was a, there was a priest there, um, who was, uh, the, the head priest.
- 37:41He lived at the house that was connected to the, uh, church rectory or something like that, I think is the name.
- 37:48And, um, he was a wonderful man.
- 37:52Um, his name was Father Duggan.
- 37:55And, uh, And he just was a wonderful man.
- 37:59I mean, he would say Mass, and Mass was, I have to confess, pretty boring.
- 38:03But when Father Duggan started a sermon, when he started a teaching based on what we had just read, it was always riveting.
- 38:11There was something that was just so warm and so welcoming about it.
- 38:16And, okay, maybe we had learned about Pharisees, and, and, and, Vine vineyards and, um, seeds following, falling on the ground and not growing right.
- 38:28Or, or maybe St.
- 38:29Paul had read one of his many endless letters to the Felician or the Philippians or whoever they were.
- 38:35Um, the, the effusions, I think, or Ephe Ephesians were anyway.
- 38:39But Father Duggan would then begin a sermon after whatever he had read, and I just remember that it was very warm, and that it was very comforting, and somehow, somehow everything was going to be all right.
- 38:53And so it was Father Duggan that I sought in this dash, um, away from, from my father.
- 39:01Now, This is the 1970s.
- 39:04I'm giving away my age.
- 39:05Okay, this is the 1970s, and this is during the height of Vatican II.
- 39:10And Vatican II introduced a lot of tolerance into the Catholic Church.
- 39:15It was not as stringent, and it was not as rigid as it had been before.
- 39:20And, um, and this was a fascinating time to be growing up as a Catholic in, in America.
- 39:27I mean, you had movies like the Poseidon Adventure, you know, that would show priests, you know, doubting God or movies like the Exorcist that would show, you know, the evil of Satan and things like this.
- 39:39And, and, but, but there was always this thing that God wasn't like that.
- 39:44Okay, God wasn't going to come on in and, you know, uh, hit someone to defend you.
- 39:49And God wasn't going to go and punish people just to, you know, God wasn't like that.
- 39:54God had taken on a more soft, approachable, um, and I'm going to say, and it's a word, but I'm going to say God had even taken on a sort of metaphorical aspect in the 1970s in Catholicism in Vatican II.
- 40:13It was not so much about God as it was the spirit of God and the spirit of God in your heart.
- 40:20So Father Duggan wasn't robust like Gene Hackman, you know, who jumps on the, uh, uh, uh, wheel at the end of Poseidon Adventure, you know, when, when only, you know, when this, uh, burst pipe letting out demon gas stands between them and their escape through the three inch propeller shaft.
- 40:37And, you know, he's there like, you know, with his muscles going, you know, do you want another soul?
- 40:43Take mine, you know, and he's like yelling at God and he falls and you know, they're rescued.
- 40:48And so, so Father Duggan wasn't like that.
- 40:51And Father Duggan wasn't like the Greek priest who rustles Reagan to the ground and takes the demon into him and throws himself out the window and splatters his brains on the steps of some alleyway in Washington, D.
- 41:03C.
- 41:04to dispel the devil, you know, at the end of the exorcist.
- 41:07Father Duggan wasn't like that.
- 41:08And Father Duggan wasn't a sort of melancholic noble man like Max von Sydow, who was also in the exorcist, you know, just, just sort of, um, you know, uh, facing yet another.
- 41:20That wasn't Father Duggan either.
- 41:22Father Duggan was kind of like that.
- 41:24Father Duggan was a, was a warm and welcoming presence.
- 41:28He was a friend of our family.
- 41:31I knew him quite well because I was one of the altar boys, you know, that, uh, that, that worked with him and, and, uh, in confessional, he always called me Christopher.
- 41:41I mean, even though we had the panel and he wasn't supposed to know who I was, he knew exactly who I was, you know, and, and so there was a friendly, there was such a friendly voice on the other side of this panel.
- 41:52Um, but I had shown up.
- 41:56And he had never seen me crying before.
- 41:58And it was clear, you know, because I had a big, uh, red spot or bruise or whatever on my, on my head, it was clear that something not good had happened.
- 42:09And of course, um, I told him my story, you know, I told him the story of, of, of me and my father, that, you know, this had been, Going on for a long, for a long time.
- 42:20And he was just like very mean and very cruel to me.
- 42:23And this wasn't the first time that this has happened.
- 42:25And, you know, all these sorts of things, I, I laid out my heart and I bared my soul and I wanted father Duggan to take my side, you know, I wasn't here for comfort.
- 42:35I wanted Father Duggan to take my side, to, to, to go and talk to my dad.
- 42:40Um, I, I wanted him to say to me, Yes, your father's bad, and that's mean, and let's go have a talk to your dad, and, you know, tell him not to do that again, or whatever I imagined at the age of 14.
- 42:50You know, um, and Father Duggan, um, Took out a can of Fresca and poured it in a glass for me and gave it to me and, you know, drinking my Fresca, you know, and, and trying to absorb this, uh, trying to understand this.
- 43:07And I remember him saying, you know, Christopher, it's hard to be an adult in this world.
- 43:20It's hard to be a parent.
- 43:25And I was like, mm hmm.
- 43:28And he said, it's hard being a parent.
- 43:32Because you don't always have someone to look up to.
- 43:37Or to lean on someone who's going to come and make things better.
- 43:43I mean, there's Nancy, your mother, you know, and your father loves your mother, and your father loves your brothers, and your father has his family and his friends.
- 43:53But, but no one can really make things better for you.
- 44:00other than you, you know?
- 44:04And I was like, okay, you know, kind of like, where are we going with all of this?
- 44:09And he said, you know, Christopher, you're at a time in your life where you're asking a lot of questions and you're pressing against rules and boundaries and that's what you should be doing.
- 44:21You know, that's, that's your time of life.
- 44:23You should be doing that.
- 44:27But that isn't a time of life that's always enjoyed at the other times of life.
- 44:33You know, when you become an adult, when you become a parent, when you have people looking up to you, when you have people relying on you, when you have people depending on you, you can sometimes feel very alone with all of that.
- 44:47You know, you can sometimes feel like you're carrying that burden on your shoulders.
- 44:54Now, we all slip and stumble, he went on.
- 45:01We all slip and stumble, and we pray that our stumbling won't hurt other people.
- 45:08And we pray that our stumbling won't hurt ourselves.
- 45:13And eventually, with the Lord's guidance, Christopher, we find our way.
- 45:20And I was like, well, isn't that what church is about?
- 45:26Isn't, you know, uh, I mean, good things versus bad things, or I'm sure I came up with some sort of 14 year old, like, philosophical argument on my part.
- 45:35But, but I just remember him saying, you know, I don't remember what I said, but I remember him saying something that's, that stayed with me.
- 45:46And he said, God doesn't work like that.
- 45:52And that's the first time I had heard that.
- 45:55But, you know, the words.
- 45:57God doesn't really work like that.
- 46:04And I was like, you know, of course the unspoken question was, well, how does God work?
- 46:08You know, but, and he said, God doesn't really work like that.
- 46:13Christopher, each of us is made in God's image and each of us must answer to God in our own way.
- 46:25And I was like, well, how does that work?
- 46:30And he said, in our hearts, in our minds, in our souls, Each of us must answer to God in our own way, because each of us is made in the image of God.
- 46:50And we sat there, and then he said, I'm going to ask you to do something for me.
- 46:58And I said, what?
- 47:00And he said, I'm going to ask you to do something that's big, okay?
- 47:10And it's something that's not going to give you your answer tomorrow or next week or next year.
- 47:18I said, okay, what is it?
- 47:20He said, I'm going to ask you to reserve judgment, reserve judgment.
- 47:34I'm going to ask you to reserve judgment.
- 47:38But father what does that mean?
- 47:40I remember asking.
- 47:42He said, you're 14.
- 47:46You're upset.
- 47:47There are all these things that are ahead of you in your world.
- 47:50Your father is a man who is in pain.
- 47:53He's dealing with a lot of difficulties.
- 47:56You know, maybe that will stay that way.
- 48:00Maybe it won't.
- 48:02But Christopher, you're not going to stay like this.
- 48:06You're 14.
- 48:07One day you're going to be 20.
- 48:09One day you're going to be 30.
- 48:12One day you're going to be 40.
- 48:14You're going to be an adult.
- 48:16Maybe you'll be a father.
- 48:17Maybe you won't, you know, but you won't be who you are right now.
- 48:23And as you grow older, you're going to grow to understand your father in a way that you can't possibly understand him right now.
- 48:34Now, your father doesn't understand you.
- 48:37I mean, let's, let's, let's be frank here.
- 48:40Your father doesn't get you, Christopher.
- 48:42You know, and you're a mystery to him.
- 48:46Um, and I think he wants to get you.
- 48:49But he doesn't get you.
- 48:52And maybe you understand your father, and maybe you don't get your father either.
- 48:58But one day, as you grow older, you'll understand your father at a time of your life that he is at a time of his life right now.
- 49:09And you'll understand it from that vantage.
- 49:12And you'll understand it from that viewpoint.
- 49:16And even then, I will ask you to reserve judgment.
- 49:19Reserve judgment, leave that open until you feel like you have understood him.
- 49:31And so, I think maybe I had a second can of Fresca and, you know, I left Father Duggan moved and, and comforted, but bewildered and not really quite, you know, getting it.
- 49:43But those words, reserve judgment, stayed with me.
- 49:48Um, things.
- 49:50got more difficult with my father.
- 49:53And in addition to that, my father died when I was 20.
- 49:57So, at the age of 20, you know, I was just, glad to be rid of him.
- 50:04I mean, honestly, that's, that's what I had felt, you know, and over the years, you know, he was the villain of the piece.
- 50:12He was the oppressor.
- 50:14He was the bad person.
- 50:15He, you know, was, was at times irredeemable.
- 50:20You know, and from that, from that I took a courage, and I took a motivation, and I took a determination.
- 50:28But there came a time, especially around the time when I reached the age that he was, when he passed, and my father passed when he was 47.
- 50:39There came a time when I began to look at him differently.
- 50:45You know, when I had faced financial stresses, difficulties, huge challenges in my life, moral dilemmas.
- 50:54that weren't easily solved.
- 50:57Places where I felt like I didn't have anyone to turn to, where there wasn't someone to look up to.
- 51:04Times in my life in which I felt people were relying on me and I was alone with that.
- 51:10Times that brought me closer to my understanding of my history with him.
- 51:19And I remembered those words.
- 51:20I still do.
- 51:22Reserve judgment.
- 51:24You know, because what began to happen is my heart changed, my soul changed, my feeling for him changed.
- 51:34It didn't become a nostalgia.
- 51:35It didn't become like, oh, I wish I'd gotten to know my father.
- 51:38Maybe dad and I would have like, you know, belted back a couple of brewskis when we were out there.
- 51:43You know, it didn't become that.
- 51:45My, my father was in many ways.
- 51:48to me and I, and I still feel a doomed man, you know, he wasn't going to change and things just got rougher after he passed his career.
- 52:00The expectations of people in his career were higher.
- 52:03The economy was more difficult.
- 52:05And honestly, I don't think my dad would have made it.
- 52:08Um, but there was this empathy.
- 52:13There was this sympathy.
- 52:17There was this love, but it's not a love of a, of a son for a father, but a love of, that comes from getting it.
- 52:30I think that's the best I can say, of getting it, you know.
- 52:36Not what I would have done, but I understand what was going on with him.
- 52:43And there's a getting it.
- 52:45And when that happened, there was a release.
- 52:49The story changed.
- 52:50The script changed.
- 52:51He wasn't the bad guy.
- 52:53He wasn't the villain.
- 52:55You know, he wasn't someone that I pitied or felt sorry for.
- 52:58He's someone that I felt for and felt with.
- 53:03You know, and, um, someone who I have made peace with that, and even honor, in a way.
- 53:11There were parts of him that were wonderful.
- 53:13He had an amazing mind, and a wonderful sense of humor.
- 53:18Um, and so, that kind of became balanced with the darker part of him.
- 53:24You know, the part of him that was really mean, and could be very brutal.
- 53:32It didn't excuse it.
- 53:34It didn't explain it.
- 53:36It simply occupied the other plate in the scale, and it balanced it, and I still don't know if I can really altogether articulate what I've learned from this, but I do know that what guided me through it were Father Duggan's words of reserved judgment, and what I do also understand is that There's a way that we understand darkness in ourselves, and I wanted to end today's episode with another James Baldwin quote.
- 54:13It's a beautiful quote, taken from his own life and, his own life, his own life experience and his own suffering.
- 54:23And he went through a lot.
- 54:28I, I, I don't know if it was an interview or whether it was a 1970s poetry with music thing, but, but he says that this kind of like, um, episode or this moment that's caught on film, he says, Love has never been a popular movement, and no one's ever really wanted to be free.
- 54:51The world is held together, really, it is held together by the love and passion of a very few people.
- 55:03Otherwise, of course, you can despair.
- 55:06Walk down the street of any city, any afternoon, and look around you.
- 55:11What you've got to remember is what you're looking at is also you.
- 55:21Everyone you're looking at is also you.
- 55:23You could be that person, you could be that monster, you could be that...
- 55:32And you have to decide in yourself not to be.
- 55:41It's something that I want you to think about this week.
- 55:45As the sun forms a square to Pluto in Capricorn on October 21st.
- 55:54Every day, people around the globe turn to astrology to find inner peace and fulfillment and navigate the tricky and complex world around them, only to be left lost and confused by resources that demand too much of their time, energy, and brainpower.
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- 57:15I really hope that you'll join us on the inside.