Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 9, Season 2: Your Burning Questions Answered – Straight from Our Private Community

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Episode 9, Season 2: Your Burning Questions Answered – Straight from Our Private Community · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

0:11
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I'm your co host
0:14
Speaker 1: Raina Butcher here with our host, doctor Sarah Hensley, the owner, CEO,
0:18
Speaker 1: and founder of the Love Dog Podcast. You can see
0:20
Speaker 1: her at the lovedog dot com all of her services.
0:23
Speaker 2: Hey hey, hey, hey, how are you.
0:25
Speaker 3: I'm doing really well. How are you doing?
0:28
Speaker 2: I've been better, been better, been better. But that's okay.
0:32
Speaker 1: I'm here and I'm excited, uh, you know, for today's episode,
0:36
Speaker 1: especially because it's really about you guys.
0:39
Speaker 2: Yes, it is something that we've been wanting to do
0:42
Speaker 2: for a while.
0:42
Speaker 3: We're here to answer your questions.
0:44
Speaker 2: Yes.
0:45
Speaker 1: So, as you know, doctor Hensley has a free Facebook
0:49
Speaker 1: community that anybody can join yep, and I moderate it, Yes,
0:54
Speaker 1: And there you can go get support from others that
0:57
Speaker 1: may be going through some of the similar circums, answers
1:00
Speaker 1: that you and your partner are going through, or if
1:01
Speaker 1: you're single, you can get advice support there. And then
1:05
Speaker 1: of course doctor Hinsley goes in and answers questions when
1:08
Speaker 1: she's able to. So we thought it'd be a great
1:12
Speaker 1: idea to take some of those questions from the Facebook
1:14
Speaker 1: group and answer them here yes semi live on today's podcast. Yes,
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Speaker 1: So all of your burning questions, and I think some
1:24
Speaker 1: of I picked a slew of them. I think a
1:27
Speaker 1: lot of them are general enough that it'll answer a
1:33
Speaker 1: range of other people's questions that we might not get to,
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Speaker 1: of course, and it's not going to be a surprise
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Speaker 1: to anyone.
1:40
Speaker 2: So many questions about the dismiss of avoidance.
1:42
Speaker 3: Of course, And the fun thing is is that I
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Speaker 3: haven't seen the questions. Yeah, so I get to kind
1:46
Speaker 3: of be on the spot. I like to challenge.
1:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love it too.
1:48
Speaker 1: It's an Interviet coaching. Yeah, yeah, I get to interview
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Speaker 1: Sara today sort of. Okay, so we'll get we'll get
1:55
Speaker 1: started right out of the gate, and of course we're
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Speaker 1: going to keep everybody anonymous. I'm not going to say
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Speaker 1: any names, just to protect the people in that group.
2:04
Speaker 1: So first question, why when you bring up something with
2:08
Speaker 1: the DA and they do really good for a few days,
2:11
Speaker 1: that they go back to doing what they were doing before.
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Speaker 1: Shortly after I even used positive reinforcement when I saw
2:19
Speaker 1: that he was doing really well. I was talking to
2:21
Speaker 1: him about communication and how I feel more connected when
2:24
Speaker 1: we text throughout the day, and how I need consistency
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Speaker 1: not perfection. Now today, he's barely even texted and going
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Speaker 1: back to old behaviors.
2:34
Speaker 3: Yeah, this is actually a common question that I get,
2:36
Speaker 3: and there's a very simple answer for it. It's because
2:39
Speaker 3: they're spending a lot of time in the nervous system
2:42
Speaker 3: state of freeze or this like dorsal vagel shutdown. And
2:45
Speaker 3: one of the triggers of the dismissive avoidant is meeting
2:48
Speaker 3: expectations of others. Because remember they're hyper independent. They really
2:52
Speaker 3: want to preserve their autonomy and they almost have this
2:55
Speaker 3: like spirit of rebellion. When they're asked to do something,
2:58
Speaker 3: they almost makes them want to do it less. And
3:01
Speaker 3: so what they try to do is they try to
3:04
Speaker 3: meet the need of their partner. But when they're doing that,
3:06
Speaker 3: they're kind of trying to white knuckle through their nervous
3:08
Speaker 3: system around feeling burdened, around feeling trapped, around, feeling like
3:13
Speaker 3: the expectation is too much. And then when essentially they
3:18
Speaker 3: hit a wall, when they are out of self regulatory ability,
3:22
Speaker 3: they just go back into that free state where they
3:25
Speaker 3: don't feel like they can do it. It's just their
3:29
Speaker 3: nervous system guiding them back to their old patterns. And
3:32
Speaker 3: so that is why I talk so much about capacity
3:35
Speaker 3: building in my coaching program, where we work with the
3:38
Speaker 3: nervous system to be able to make real baseline changes
3:42
Speaker 3: in how your nervous system functions around intimacy. And when
3:45
Speaker 3: you make those baseline changes, then you're able to sustain
3:48
Speaker 3: better behavior, right more secure behavior.
3:50
Speaker 2: But be more conscious of and be more.
3:52
Speaker 3: Conscious of the behavior. But you're in a state of
3:54
Speaker 3: safety in your nervous system which allows you to be
3:57
Speaker 3: very deliberate and allows you to be very connected and
4:00
Speaker 3: much more aware of your partner's needs. And so dismissive
4:04
Speaker 3: avoidance definitely have those blinders on where when they were children,
4:10
Speaker 3: they were sort of pushed into hyper independence too soon,
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Speaker 3: They were left alone a lot, they didn't feel like
4:15
Speaker 3: they had a really great guide and their development, and
4:18
Speaker 3: so the attention system of the brain, called the reticular
4:21
Speaker 3: activating system or the RAS, really becomes very self directed,
4:25
Speaker 3: and so they are very hyper focused on meeting their
4:28
Speaker 3: own needs above everybody else's, and of course that tends
4:31
Speaker 3: to kick in once commitment and longevity are, you know,
4:35
Speaker 3: at play, until they do real capacity building work, just
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Speaker 3: telling them to do something different isn't going to work
4:42
Speaker 3: because they can only push through those you know, nervous
4:47
Speaker 3: system states and sort of use their self regulatory capacity
4:51
Speaker 3: to do so for so long self regulations like a muscle,
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Speaker 3: and we eventually hit a wall and fatigue. So that's
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Speaker 3: really what's happening.
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Speaker 1: So other than you know, going to your website and
5:01
Speaker 1: checking out your services for something like this short term resolution,
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Speaker 1: you know, for this specific person asking this question. Of course,
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Speaker 1: without giving away you know, all your tips and tricks
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Speaker 1: and secrets, you know, what would you suggest.
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Speaker 3: Well, I might suggest it might be time to go
5:19
Speaker 3: into a boundary space around what you need, and maybe
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Speaker 3: not just around what you need, but around them doing
5:25
Speaker 3: the work to try to understand what is going on
5:28
Speaker 3: within them that keeps them in that hyper self focused space,
5:35
Speaker 3: you know, really getting to the bottom of that. And
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Speaker 3: I mean, if you do, you're going to figure out
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Speaker 3: it's a problem with the nervous system around intimacy. But
5:44
Speaker 3: having the boundary around getting the help, yeah, right, to
5:47
Speaker 3: be a better partner, instead of having the boundary around
5:50
Speaker 3: the behavior, because again they're just going to do what
5:53
Speaker 3: they did before, which is try to push through fatigue
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Speaker 3: and then give up and go back to old patterns.
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Speaker 3: Really without even recognizing that that's what's happening.
6:00
Speaker 1: And I think that's why achieving your own attachment security
6:05
Speaker 1: first is so important, because then you're more apt to
6:08
Speaker 1: be able to set those boundaries without the fear of
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Speaker 1: betrayal or abandonment.
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Speaker 3: Right. And if I've said it once, I'll say it
6:15
Speaker 3: a million times. If asking for what you need pushes
6:19
Speaker 3: someone away, they were never going to meet the need anyway.
6:23
Speaker 3: So the point of a relationship is to be happy
6:26
Speaker 3: and to not abandon yourself while also having reciprocity. Right.
6:32
Speaker 3: But if you're afraid that it's going to push them away,
6:34
Speaker 3: then what's the point of being in a relationship with them.
6:37
Speaker 3: Then you're just doomed to be in a relationship where
6:39
Speaker 3: someone consistently cannot meet your needs, and then you would
6:42
Speaker 3: be abandoning yourself.
6:44
Speaker 1: And we if you've been listening or following doctor Hinsley
6:47
Speaker 1: for any amount of time, then you know that one
6:50
Speaker 1: of the big indicators for dismissive avoidance to change is loss.
6:55
Speaker 3: Yes, they actually they do not love your boundary. At first,
7:00
Speaker 3: they may complain about them, but ultimately, at a subconscious level,
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Speaker 3: they respect your boundaries. They absolutely do not respect boundaryless
7:08
Speaker 3: people because They're boundaries around intimacy and their time and
7:11
Speaker 3: their space are so strict. So when they see you
7:15
Speaker 3: dropping your boundaries to kind of hang on to them,
7:19
Speaker 3: quote unquote, it kind of gives them an ick, and
7:22
Speaker 3: so they respect you when you're like, no, this is
7:25
Speaker 3: what I need and you actually are showing them in
7:27
Speaker 3: that boundary space that you are okay without them, because
7:30
Speaker 3: in that boundary space, your job is to work on
7:32
Speaker 3: regulating your nervous system around the space, meeting your own
7:36
Speaker 3: needs and standing strong in what you need and then
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Speaker 3: escalating the boundary if appropriate. Right if they're not moving
7:45
Speaker 3: the needle in your direction. So I think that subconsciously
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Speaker 3: they see that and they're like, Okay, well I get it.
7:51
Speaker 3: She's not playing around anymore, and good for her. She
7:54
Speaker 3: can she's not totally dependent on me what or he's
7:56
Speaker 3: not totally depends on bond tract what. Yeah, that's attractive
7:59
Speaker 3: to them, so it kind of reit ignites their attraction
8:02
Speaker 3: a little bit. Not to the degree of like the
8:05
Speaker 3: fearful avoidant who would get very anxious and flip from
8:08
Speaker 3: avoidance to anxiety, but there's there's a level of respect
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Speaker 3: that you gain when you when you set your own
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Speaker 3: boundaries because they don't like people that are needy.
8:19
Speaker 1: Yeah, and there's a level of respect you gain within
8:21
Speaker 1: yourself too, Like it's really powerful.
8:23
Speaker 2: Like I wish people could understand.
8:25
Speaker 1: Like, and again, you know, we always bring up our
8:28
Speaker 1: one little beautiful, little beauty provider that we have that
8:31
Speaker 1: we share in common with. And I'm like, girl, if
8:33
Speaker 1: you only knew how much power you had, Yes, Like,
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Speaker 1: the power lies within you.
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Speaker 3: She's so fit and kind and and successful.
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Speaker 2: And I mean we've said it over and over. We
8:44
Speaker 2: just love her so much.
8:45
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, when she talks to me a
8:47
Speaker 1: little bit about our relationship, I'm like, girl, you hold
8:51
Speaker 1: the power, use it, use it. And she just doesn't
8:54
Speaker 1: know how. And I think that that happens to a
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Speaker 1: lot of people. I just don't know how to act
9:00
Speaker 1: sis their power. And gosh, if we only knew how
9:03
Speaker 1: powerful we all were, you know?
9:05
Speaker 2: Anyway?
9:05
Speaker 1: All right, moving on to the next question, doctor Sarah Hensley,
9:09
Speaker 1: I would love your advice. After about eighteen months together,
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Speaker 1: I told my DA boyfriend that I needed more consistency.
9:15
Speaker 1: I didn't fully understand attachment styles of the time. After
9:18
Speaker 1: I said that he acted normally for a few days
9:20
Speaker 1: and then started avoiding me. Yeah, the same answer I
9:24
Speaker 1: think might apply here. After I said that, he acted more.
9:27
Speaker 1: We basically broke up even though it wasn't said. But
9:30
Speaker 1: he never cut off all contact.
9:32
Speaker 3: Oh gosh, classic classic Dassic.
9:36
Speaker 1: The longest I went without hearing from him was about
9:38
Speaker 1: two weeks since the middle of February. There's been a
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Speaker 1: lot of progress. That's good, especially in the last six weeks,
9:44
Speaker 1: but it's mostly been two steps forward and one step
9:48
Speaker 1: back again.
9:49
Speaker 2: Lots of traits here.
9:50
Speaker 1: Of the DA We've gotten together many times as friends,
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Speaker 1: and I know he still cares. How can I ask
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Speaker 1: him what he wants without scaring him off?
10:00
Speaker 3: You should not be worried about scaring him off. If
10:05
Speaker 3: you're confused, that's a red flag. And here's the thing again,
10:10
Speaker 3: when you ask them for a need or when they
10:13
Speaker 3: perceive criticism, they're eventually going to shut down and pull
10:16
Speaker 3: back a little bit more because their nervous systems just
10:20
Speaker 3: they can't take it. Their wound of defectiveness is so strong.
10:23
Speaker 3: It's tied to so much internalized shame. And when they
10:28
Speaker 3: feel like, even in the slightest that they haven't quote
10:31
Speaker 3: gotten it right for you, then their wound is activated
10:36
Speaker 3: and you're going to see a pullback eventually, even if
10:39
Speaker 3: you see short term improvement. And so I would say,
10:43
Speaker 3: what you're in as a situationship and that is obviously
10:47
Speaker 3: very unfair to you if it's not what you want.
10:50
Speaker 3: I'm glad you've seen a little bit of progress, but
10:53
Speaker 3: if it's not where you want it to be, you
10:56
Speaker 3: have to make that.
10:58
Speaker 2: Teen months together a long time.
11:00
Speaker 3: That's a long time. And listen, guys, people will waste
11:04
Speaker 3: years of your life if you let them. You can't
11:09
Speaker 3: let them waste your life. There are people out there
11:13
Speaker 3: that can meet your needs, that are emotionally available, that
11:17
Speaker 3: are secure, that can provide you with what feels good
11:20
Speaker 3: to you inside of a relationship. And so the question
11:23
Speaker 3: you need to start asking yourself is what is going
11:25
Speaker 3: on with me that I am so attracted to someone
11:30
Speaker 3: who doesn't want me in the way that I want
11:32
Speaker 3: them to want me exactly? And and so it's time
11:35
Speaker 3: to start doing your own work. I would ask, I
11:37
Speaker 3: would just straight up ask, and a maybe is a no.
11:41
Speaker 3: Take a maybe, Take a hymn haul as a no,
11:43
Speaker 3: because that's what they do. He's gonna talk around it,
11:46
Speaker 3: He's gonna give you a I don't know, or he's
11:48
Speaker 3: gonna give you this reason or that reason, or why
11:50
Speaker 3: put a label on it? Or you know, things are
11:52
Speaker 3: going so good, let's not ruin it with that conversation.
11:55
Speaker 3: I mean, come on, you know, just skirting around he's
11:59
Speaker 3: probably I'm a skirt around it. But you need to ask, yeah,
12:03
Speaker 3: and you need to be direct with what you want.
12:04
Speaker 3: Don't worry about scaring him off, worry about your own
12:07
Speaker 3: needs being fulfilled.
12:08
Speaker 1: Well. And it's like we've talked about so many times,
12:11
Speaker 1: the moment that you get rid of the things that
12:13
Speaker 1: really aren't meant for you, all the things that are
12:15
Speaker 1: coming to your life.
12:16
Speaker 3: One hundred percent, because I mean, my view is like
12:20
Speaker 3: God is not going to send you someone that is
12:22
Speaker 3: truly your compatible partner that you could have a great
12:28
Speaker 3: life with if you're just going to fumble them with
12:30
Speaker 3: your own insecurities, It's not going to come your way.
12:33
Speaker 3: God's law of attraction doesn't work that way in my opinion.
12:36
Speaker 2: I agree. Okay, So moving on to the next question.
12:39
Speaker 2: Do I love asking these questions.
12:43
Speaker 1: Because I already know all the answers to him? Is
12:47
Speaker 1: it common for a DA to have narcissistic characteristics.
12:51
Speaker 3: I wouldn't say it's common. No. I think that most
12:54
Speaker 3: das are very kind. I think that most das have
12:58
Speaker 3: good intentions. I think most das are incredibly not self aware,
13:02
Speaker 3: and so there's no malice associated with their behavior. It's
13:07
Speaker 3: more of a limited EQ and capacity issue EQ being
13:12
Speaker 3: emotional IQ, and so no, I would say absolutely not.
13:17
Speaker 3: But can some of their traits hurt and look a
13:21
Speaker 3: little narcissistic, maybe a tad And I would say the
13:25
Speaker 3: one that is probably the hardest one to over look
13:31
Speaker 3: past and forgive, or that will remind you of a
13:34
Speaker 3: narcissist is the fact that they can lie to get
13:36
Speaker 3: out of conflict. I actually had a couple recently whose
13:41
Speaker 3: DA that was one of the biggest issues they had
13:44
Speaker 3: was that the DA partner was just constantly telling little
13:48
Speaker 3: white lies about stupid stuff or lies of omission, just
13:51
Speaker 3: because in their mind it's like any little thing that
13:54
Speaker 3: could possibly bring up a conflict. They want to avoid that,
13:58
Speaker 3: so they would rather lie or omit something.
14:01
Speaker 2: Right or where they feel so defective.
14:03
Speaker 1: Right where they feel so defective, it's just mechanism better.
14:06
Speaker 3: For them to hope it doesn't get found out. Or whatever,
14:09
Speaker 3: and it might be something small, which is to the
14:11
Speaker 3: partner makes them think like.
14:14
Speaker 2: Why, yeah, why would you lie?
14:15
Speaker 3: Why would you lie about that? But to them it's
14:17
Speaker 3: just like keep the piece over everything else. Number one
14:20
Speaker 3: need for the DA is peace, harmony, lack of criticism,
14:24
Speaker 3: lack of conflict. But it is an unreasonable expectation for
14:30
Speaker 3: intimate close relationships, especially marriage, to be without those things,
14:35
Speaker 3: because you can't have true intimacy without bumping up against things.
14:41
Speaker 1: Than someone else and then deciding whether you want to
14:44
Speaker 1: work through those differences.
14:45
Speaker 3: Absolutely, absolutely, and I would say das sometimes not all
14:51
Speaker 3: the time, can come off as manipulative because people view
14:55
Speaker 3: their withdrawal as like a stone.
14:56
Speaker 2: Wall right, their lack of care.
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Speaker 3: It's like a lack of care and you don't have
15:01
Speaker 3: empathy for me. But what people don't realize is no,
15:04
Speaker 3: it's really just a true capacity issue again with their
15:08
Speaker 3: nervous system going into these freeze episodes or flight episodes,
15:13
Speaker 3: or sometimes in their defensiveness of fight response, and they
15:16
Speaker 3: don't know how to control it, and they don't know
15:17
Speaker 3: how to work with their nervous system, and it just
15:21
Speaker 3: you know, they always get in the cycle where they're
15:23
Speaker 3: disappointing their partner. Their partner then makes it known that
15:27
Speaker 3: they are disappointed in them. That hits the defectiveness wound
15:30
Speaker 3: in the shame. So they get defensive and or sometimes
15:33
Speaker 3: people pleasing, but that's short lived. Then you get the
15:35
Speaker 3: withdrawal no matter what. And so they think the withdrawal
15:39
Speaker 3: means you're being cold, you're being callous, you don't care
15:42
Speaker 3: about me. They very much do care. In fact, a
15:45
Speaker 3: lot of dismissive avoidance in their withdrawal period are ruminating.
15:49
Speaker 3: They're intellectualizing their emotional experience because they don't know how
15:52
Speaker 3: to feel their own feelings. But they're very concerned. They
15:56
Speaker 3: just don't know what to do. A narcissist, they are
16:00
Speaker 3: trying to hurt you. They are their motive is to
16:03
Speaker 3: have the upper hand and to manipulate you, to try
16:06
Speaker 3: to know that they have power over you, to try
16:09
Speaker 3: to control you. And so, yes, the narcissists might use
16:12
Speaker 3: things like stonewalling to try to get you so upset
16:17
Speaker 3: that you will cave and fawn. And because they're you
16:20
Speaker 3: know what to try to get back, and they're good graces,
16:23
Speaker 3: whereas a DA isn't looking for that, and so I
16:26
Speaker 3: would say, the majority of them absolutely not, And narcissists
16:30
Speaker 3: can appear with a fearful avoidant attachment style. In fact,
16:33
Speaker 3: I think fearful avoidance is closer to narcissism than it
16:38
Speaker 3: is the dismissive avoidant because fearful avoidance are way more manipulative.
16:45
Speaker 3: If they're highly insecure.
16:46
Speaker 2: And have a higher reactivity.
16:49
Speaker 3: Much more reactive than the DA.
16:51
Speaker 2: And really know how to hit below they can hit.
16:54
Speaker 3: Yeah, and this is not all fearful avoidance. A lot
16:57
Speaker 3: of fearful avoidance don't hit below the belt. The ones
17:00
Speaker 3: that do, they hit hard like you hit them. They're
17:03
Speaker 3: going to punch you back ten times harder. And so yeah, no,
17:08
Speaker 3: you're crazy. I used to be one. Oh I know,
17:13
Speaker 3: we too.
17:13
Speaker 2: Sometimes it still creeps up. Okay, moving on.
17:19
Speaker 1: Again, guys, this is just another episode about the DAH.
17:22
Speaker 1: Can someone change into a DA after failed relationships? Everything
17:26
Speaker 1: we get taught is that people have poor upbringing and
17:30
Speaker 1: want to blame parents. But what if a failed relationship
17:33
Speaker 1: causes a person to be dismissive.
17:35
Speaker 3: That's a really good question. If we're really looking at
17:37
Speaker 3: the science. The propensity was always there, so attachment is
17:41
Speaker 3: on a spectrum and people can slide towards security or
17:46
Speaker 3: further away from security. So there has to be that
17:49
Speaker 3: propensity or that predisposition from childhood there. But it was
17:53
Speaker 3: it maybe a small predisposition, and inside of a healthy
17:56
Speaker 3: relationship they would have been very secure possibly, But then
18:00
Speaker 3: they get into a relationship where someone is very unhealthier insecure,
18:05
Speaker 3: and it slides them more down the spectrum. So really,
18:07
Speaker 3: the science says that adult relationships can exacerbate pre existing
18:13
Speaker 3: propensities for a specific attachment style, But we don't change
18:17
Speaker 3: attachment styles based on a relationship, or we don't go
18:22
Speaker 3: from secure to insecure based on a relationship. You have
18:25
Speaker 3: to think about it as like there was some predisposition there,
18:29
Speaker 3: because remember, if you were truly had a fully secure foundation,
18:34
Speaker 3: people don't end up in those dysfunctional relationships. Truly secure
18:39
Speaker 3: people have a great relationship with themselves, and they have
18:43
Speaker 3: good boundaries, and they know what they deserve and they
18:46
Speaker 3: aren't terribly afraid to face the pain of detachment. So
18:50
Speaker 3: when they start experiencing red flags, their nervous system, which
18:55
Speaker 3: is used to living in safety, then comes out of
18:58
Speaker 3: safety into them that feel really bad, and they can
19:01
Speaker 3: very much pinpoint that it's that relationship or that partner's
19:05
Speaker 3: behavior and they're like, whoa, wha, whoa, No, I don't
19:08
Speaker 3: I don't like that does feel good to me. I'm
19:10
Speaker 3: not putting up with that r right. Whereas people with
19:11
Speaker 3: insecure attachments, when they're tested in those ways, it often
19:15
Speaker 3: activates the very wounds that make them then try harder
19:18
Speaker 3: and attach more. Right, Yeah, and that's that's the difference.
19:22
Speaker 3: Like a propensity was there, but then you know, a
19:26
Speaker 3: relationship exacerbates that. And in terms of a DA propensity,
19:30
Speaker 3: it could be that, you know, the relationship started out
19:34
Speaker 3: really well and then the DA just deactivated like they
19:38
Speaker 3: would and a relationship that got too serious for them,
19:42
Speaker 3: or in which they really did care about the partner.
19:45
Speaker 3: Because for the DA, oftentimes the more that they care
19:47
Speaker 3: about the partner, the more DA they are, because that
19:51
Speaker 3: level of intimacy and attachment is what triggers.
19:54
Speaker 2: Them's what scares them. I have a follow up question.
19:56
Speaker 1: So for those people, say who are married, Right, So
19:59
Speaker 1: when they got into the marriage, maybe they were more insecure,
20:02
Speaker 1: but they've done a lot of healing work and they're
20:05
Speaker 1: you know, they're on their way to secure attachment and
20:09
Speaker 1: their partner is lagging behind. But there's things like finances
20:13
Speaker 1: and children and all these other things involved. You know,
20:16
Speaker 1: I know that there are so many variables and nuances
20:19
Speaker 1: there that make it difficult, even when you reach secure attachment,
20:22
Speaker 1: to maybe get out of a marriage.
20:24
Speaker 3: It's the toughest decision.
20:25
Speaker 1: Yeah. Sure, But what would you I guess, advice wise,
20:30
Speaker 1: what would you tell those people that are maybe in
20:32
Speaker 1: those circumstances, because I think there are a lot of
20:34
Speaker 1: those people, especially as as attachment becomes more trendy, I guess,
20:40
Speaker 1: or you know, you've put it on the map, baby girl,
20:46
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, you know, as people become more aware
20:48
Speaker 1: of attachment styles and relation to it and really wanting
20:51
Speaker 1: to achieve their security, you know, for those people who
20:54
Speaker 1: have been in these long marriages, what would you say
20:56
Speaker 1: to them?
20:57
Speaker 3: I would say, Obviously, stay focused on your own healing,
21:01
Speaker 3: know that you can't control anyone else. Make a real
21:06
Speaker 3: pros and cons list of staying and evaluate your own
21:10
Speaker 3: values and evaluate what you feel like would essentially be
21:17
Speaker 3: tolerable or livable, Like what would the relationship have to
21:20
Speaker 3: look like to meet a standard where you feel like
21:24
Speaker 3: you could stay. Maybe it's not getting everything you want,
21:27
Speaker 3: but what would feel acceptable to you? Right?
21:31
Speaker 1: I always try to think, like I would always tell
21:33
Speaker 1: somebody who asked me this question when I was coaching,
21:36
Speaker 1: is like, try to imagine yourself in your single parent
21:41
Speaker 1: life and what that would look like?
21:43
Speaker 3: Would you?
21:44
Speaker 2: Would you be a better parent?
21:46
Speaker 1: Because we've spoken on this before. You know, when we
21:48
Speaker 1: got out of our past relationships, I was actually a
21:52
Speaker 1: better parent.
21:53
Speaker 3: I was a tremendously better.
21:54
Speaker 1: Parent because I wasn't so consumed with all the other.
21:58
Speaker 3: Triggered constantly, which pulls you away from your children. I mean,
22:04
Speaker 3: my oldest daughter and I had this conversation just like
22:07
Speaker 3: two days ago. She said, Mom, you were really emotionally
22:10
Speaker 3: unavailable when I was a kid. And I was like,
22:12
Speaker 3: I know, baby, and I'm so sorry, you know, because.
22:15
Speaker 2: That breaks my heart.
22:16
Speaker 3: It does break my heart. But I was because I
22:19
Speaker 3: was My nervous system was a freaking wreck, and it
22:23
Speaker 3: was constantly.
22:24
Speaker 2: Like you were just consumed.
22:26
Speaker 3: There was self yes, and there was so much pressure
22:29
Speaker 3: that was put on me about like the house had
22:31
Speaker 3: to be perfect, and the kids had to be perfect,
22:34
Speaker 3: your dinner had to be all then yes, and it was,
22:38
Speaker 3: you know, all of these high standards that he had,
22:42
Speaker 3: and he would devalue me a lot about not meeting
22:45
Speaker 3: the standards. I could never meet the standards right, and
22:48
Speaker 3: so I would be doing things like frantically cleaning the
22:51
Speaker 3: house before he came home, or like you know, and
22:53
Speaker 3: then if my daughter's like, no play with me, then
22:55
Speaker 3: I'm like, no, I can't write, or or there was
22:57
Speaker 3: some major crisis going on that was killing me on
23:00
Speaker 3: the inside and I was just in another world. My
23:05
Speaker 3: mind was just in another world. You're just trying to
23:07
Speaker 3: come I wasn't present, and you know, I have to
23:11
Speaker 3: live with that for the rest of my life. That
23:13
Speaker 3: I missed so many joyous moments that I'll never ever
23:17
Speaker 3: get back. And I'm doing everything humanly possible to make
23:22
Speaker 3: up for that with my daughter. And I think Gabby
23:24
Speaker 3: now would tell you I'm very emotionally available and that
23:28
Speaker 3: we've worked through our stuff and she's working continuing to
23:32
Speaker 3: work on her attachment. But you can't get those years back.
23:37
Speaker 3: And do you really want to go to your deathbed
23:39
Speaker 3: never feeling like you know what love really is? Do
23:42
Speaker 3: you want to do that? I saw my dad do that. Yeah, No,
23:45
Speaker 3: I don't want to do that. And now I see
23:48
Speaker 3: my mom who is freaking beating pancreatic cancer and getting
23:53
Speaker 3: another second, third chance at life. I mean, she's been
23:56
Speaker 3: battling this for five years and she's still in a
23:59
Speaker 3: really great place. And it's just like I wish she
24:02
Speaker 3: would meet someone because my dad did treat her really poorly,
24:06
Speaker 3: and and you know, then my mom and dad's dynamic
24:10
Speaker 3: just was not good, you know, between them, and so
24:12
Speaker 3: neither of them were happy.
24:13
Speaker 2: Yeah. One good love, I'm telling you a Neil Diamond song.
24:16
Speaker 1: It will speak to the heart, my friend. One good
24:19
Speaker 1: love is all you need to change.
24:21
Speaker 3: I wouldn't. I can't imagine not having my second marriage.
24:25
Speaker 3: I can't imagine having trying to make it work for
24:28
Speaker 3: the kids. I would probably be just limping along in life.
24:35
Speaker 2: You'd be a mess, girl, you'd be a mess.
24:37
Speaker 1: And listen, I'm a product of a divorce at an
24:39
Speaker 1: older age, and it.
24:42
Speaker 2: Was way worse. Just take my word for it.
24:46
Speaker 1: I would have much rather my parents called it quits
24:50
Speaker 1: way earlier on.
24:52
Speaker 3: Because you're way more attuned and you understand so much more. Yeah,
24:56
Speaker 3: and you hear more.
24:57
Speaker 2: Damage is done.
24:58
Speaker 1: So if things aren't the way that you want them
25:00
Speaker 1: now in a marriage and you've been married maybe for
25:04
Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe ten years, which is a long time.
25:06
Speaker 1: I'm not discounting that, but don't let it be thirty
25:09
Speaker 1: years like my parents.
25:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know.
25:12
Speaker 1: And then two months shy of their youngest, I'm one
25:16
Speaker 1: of I'm the baby of four, two months shy of
25:18
Speaker 1: the youngest eighteenth birthday, they're like, okay.
25:21
Speaker 2: We're getting a divorce now.
25:22
Speaker 1: And it was like my world just turned upside down
25:25
Speaker 1: at a time in my life that was really pivotal
25:28
Speaker 1: for like going into adulthood. And so I think, you know, again,
25:33
Speaker 1: my advice would just be to really sit down and
25:35
Speaker 1: try to imagine what your life is like. And even
25:39
Speaker 1: though there are hard things to imagine in terms of
25:43
Speaker 1: single parenthood and raising children quote unquote on your own,
25:48
Speaker 1: but I wouldn't change a thing.
25:51
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, I wouldn't either. And I think it's important
25:55
Speaker 3: to try everything first, try everything. But sometimes people aren't
25:59
Speaker 3: willing disciplants to try that hard, yeah, you know, or
26:03
Speaker 3: they just especially I hate to say, I hate to
26:06
Speaker 3: pick on the DA. I feel like we're just dog
26:08
Speaker 3: in the DA.
26:08
Speaker 2: But he said some good things about him.
26:10
Speaker 3: They're the least likely to be like, Okay, I'm going
26:13
Speaker 3: to do the deep work because they don't even they
26:15
Speaker 3: can't even really conceptualize right what the deep work is, right,
26:19
Speaker 3: and they have to get in front of the right
26:20
Speaker 3: person to be able to really get it.
26:22
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, well, okay, moving on. So my husband, who
26:28
Speaker 1: has avoided me for two to three months at this point, girl, what.
26:33
Speaker 3: What your husband?
26:36
Speaker 1: Okay tells me he doesn't know if he wants to
26:39
Speaker 1: work on our marriage or not. Doesn't know what he
26:41
Speaker 1: wants is what he always says. So I told him
26:44
Speaker 1: I need something. I need something. I can't just sit
26:47
Speaker 1: in limbo forever. That's fair, very fair. So he told
26:52
Speaker 1: me back in early June I would have that he
26:54
Speaker 1: would have an answer for me by the time I
26:56
Speaker 1: came back to where I was living. He continued to
27:00
Speaker 1: avoid my requests for clarity. Then told me the other
27:03
Speaker 1: night that there are many issues, but to make it easy,
27:06
Speaker 1: he just wants me to live on my own, in
27:09
Speaker 1: my own world, and by choice, he'll live in his.
27:13
Speaker 1: And I acknowledged how how much that hurt me, and
27:17
Speaker 1: I asked him if he would maybe help me understand more,
27:20
Speaker 1: and then he ghosted me again.
27:23
Speaker 3: It's a giant no, this person. I hate to tell you, sis,
27:30
Speaker 3: he's very dysfunctional, very insecure. That sounds like a strong,
27:35
Speaker 3: strong DA and maybe is always a no. If it's
27:40
Speaker 3: not a hell, yes, it's a no. At this point,
27:45
Speaker 3: it's time I would initiate the divorce.
27:47
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean a head of it, she said. So
27:49
Speaker 1: my question is where do I go from here?
27:51
Speaker 3: Call an attorney, lawyer up, protect yourself, start working on
27:55
Speaker 3: healing your attachment so that you can process effectively and
28:01
Speaker 3: grieve this relationship effectively, and that you can become a
28:05
Speaker 3: better person as a result of what happened, instead of
28:08
Speaker 3: someone who lives in pain and loss that they don't
28:11
Speaker 3: know how to cope with.
28:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, and think of it this way. You spent two
28:15
Speaker 1: three months being stonewalled. Think about the the progress you
28:20
Speaker 1: can make in two to three months in terms of
28:22
Speaker 1: making a real, concrete decision to get out of something
28:25
Speaker 1: like that, because two to three months of being stone
28:27
Speaker 1: walled is just as painful.
28:30
Speaker 2: And then you don't and you end up Yeah, the
28:33
Speaker 2: same spot abuse. Yeah, you end up in the same
28:35
Speaker 2: spot you were to begin with.
28:36
Speaker 1: At least if you take two to three months to
28:39
Speaker 1: take action to get out, you're somewhere new. And even
28:42
Speaker 1: though that new place is scary and unknown. Gosh, it's
28:46
Speaker 1: got to be better than I could not.
28:47
Speaker 3: Anything would be better than that.
28:50
Speaker 1: I would lose my mind if I was if josh
28:52
Speaker 1: Sten mauled me for three months, I would be a
28:54
Speaker 1: crazy person.
28:55
Speaker 2: I'd be like thrown fists inside, Like you will talk
28:57
Speaker 2: to me, you will.
28:59
Speaker 3: It's just so abnormal for any marriage. It's just so dysfunctional,
29:07
Speaker 3: and I get it. Sometimes you don't see their dysfunction
29:11
Speaker 3: until you're way deep in. But oftentimes what people with
29:16
Speaker 3: more attachment anxiety will try to do is just justify
29:19
Speaker 3: or minimize, and we can't do that. We can't justify it,
29:23
Speaker 3: we can't minimize it. Two to three months is abusive,
29:26
Speaker 3: and it's a hard no, and you need to put
29:29
Speaker 3: all the eggs in the basket of moving on and
29:33
Speaker 3: reaching your own security, because there's somebody ten times better
29:37
Speaker 3: than that dude, a hundred times better than that dude.
29:41
Speaker 3: I don't even go hours really without talking to my husband.
29:45
Speaker 3: Maybe a handful of hours, but I always try to
29:47
Speaker 3: text and check in if we've got our own things
29:50
Speaker 3: going on during the day, Like we text each other
29:52
Speaker 3: and check in and then we have our morning rituals,
29:56
Speaker 3: we have our evening nighttimetime, Like, I can't imagine an
30:00
Speaker 3: a marriage that disconnected.
30:02
Speaker 1: Right, And somebody's saying, like he's pretty much given you
30:05
Speaker 1: the answer, she's giving me the answer, Like he's saying, Hey,
30:08
Speaker 1: you go live in your world and I'm gonna go
30:09
Speaker 1: live in mom.
30:10
Speaker 3: That's not a marriage, right, dissolve it and move on.
30:13
Speaker 3: He's just too scared, he's too much of a coward
30:16
Speaker 3: to say no. And that is a classic dismissive avoidant trait.
30:20
Speaker 3: They don't want to be the ones that end it
30:22
Speaker 3: because they feel guilty about it, so they want you
30:24
Speaker 3: to end it. They'll push you to the brink so
30:27
Speaker 3: that you end it. But that's a very don't.
30:29
Speaker 2: Feel guilty for that. No, take our word for it.
30:31
Speaker 2: Do not feel guilty.
30:32
Speaker 3: You you shouldn't have an out scared I'll not hear that.
30:35
Speaker 3: I would be partying all the way to the attorney's
30:38
Speaker 3: office on that one. And I'm sorry, sis, that's really
30:41
Speaker 3: really tough. I want to have empathy. I just need
30:43
Speaker 3: you to hear me really straight when I say it's
30:46
Speaker 3: a no, move on and move on now.
30:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, so this one's a little long, Okay, I'm really sorry, guys.
30:54
Speaker 1: I really spent like an hour going through all the
30:57
Speaker 1: questions last night.
30:58
Speaker 2: They just all happened to be.
31:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, they're very related about the DA.
31:03
Speaker 2: And again, you know, explain that doc about how it's.
31:06
Speaker 1: Because they're baffling. Yeah, they're baffling. Their partners are the
31:10
Speaker 1: anxious ones.
31:12
Speaker 3: And so they have high anxiety. Das are gonna make
31:15
Speaker 3: anybody anxious, even if you have a twinge of attachment anxiety,
31:19
Speaker 3: like even if fearful, leaning really dismissive will get very
31:22
Speaker 3: anxious with the DA. And sometimes that's very foreign to
31:25
Speaker 3: them because they're used to staying over in their avoid
31:26
Speaker 3: in side. So they're like very you know, it's a
31:29
Speaker 3: very new feeling to be this anxious, and they mistake
31:32
Speaker 3: their anxiety for excitement and attraction, but it's not. It's
31:35
Speaker 3: fear right, and so red flag, red flag.
31:40
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, So okay, all right, I'm about to end
31:44
Speaker 1: a relationship with a DA partner. I'm FA and doing
31:47
Speaker 1: the course and plan to spend some time trying to
31:49
Speaker 1: heal myself and become more secure. I will work on
31:51
Speaker 1: the boundaries and self regulation, cognitive reframing, like the courses
31:55
Speaker 1: I just have some questions. One, I've heard that it's
31:58
Speaker 1: actually difficult to work on these things when you because
32:00
Speaker 1: they are relational concepts. I'm trying to develop a more
32:04
Speaker 1: secure attachment, So how do I know that I've achieved
32:06
Speaker 1: that when I'm single? Like, how do I know when
32:09
Speaker 1: I'm ready to move on with a new relationship? That's
32:12
Speaker 1: the first question.
32:13
Speaker 3: I get this question all the time. So first and foremost,
32:15
Speaker 3: it's a lie that you can't do the work because
32:18
Speaker 3: these are relational concepts, because the work requires repetitive practice
32:23
Speaker 3: of these things in other situations throughout your life, moving
32:29
Speaker 3: through your own world every day.
32:30
Speaker 2: And you don't just have romantic relationship, right.
32:32
Speaker 3: So, like, let's just say we're talking about like the
32:35
Speaker 3: metacognitive work. You can't just wait to become an observer
32:41
Speaker 3: of your thoughts related to your relationship, because then you're
32:44
Speaker 3: never going to develop muscle memory around being a third
32:47
Speaker 3: party observer of your thoughts all the time, which is
32:50
Speaker 3: what needs to happen. You need to have that level
32:52
Speaker 3: of muscle memory so that when you get triggered, it's
32:56
Speaker 3: so ingrained in you to be monitoring your thought process
33:00
Speaker 3: that you can do it even when you're triggered right right,
33:03
Speaker 3: So you don't need to be in a relationship to
33:05
Speaker 3: do that. You can do that standing in line at
33:08
Speaker 3: the grocery store. I mean, you know, I'll give an
33:10
Speaker 3: example of like if you've ever been in a hurry
33:13
Speaker 3: and you run into the grocery store, you just got
33:15
Speaker 3: one item, and you get behind somebody and it's like
33:19
Speaker 3: an old lady who's like paying with pennies or something,
33:22
Speaker 3: or like writing a check, and you know, and you're
33:24
Speaker 3: just like, gosh, oh, like come on, lady, it's twenty
33:27
Speaker 3: twenty five and write a check. That's an opportunity for
33:31
Speaker 3: you to observe your own thought process and to be like, well,
33:35
Speaker 3: I consider myself a patient person. I guess I'm not
33:37
Speaker 3: being very patient right now. Patients is a virtue. Let
33:39
Speaker 3: me sit here and take a deep breath and calm down,
33:42
Speaker 3: and like, it's not going to change anything for me
33:44
Speaker 3: to be having a little mini tantrum in my head
33:47
Speaker 3: about this right now.
33:47
Speaker 2: There's so many circumstances, I mean road rage.
33:50
Speaker 3: Yes, there's a million and one circumstances where stressors are
33:53
Speaker 3: going to present themselves. And these tools regulate your stress tolerance.
34:00
Speaker 3: That's what this is all about achieving attachment. Security is
34:02
Speaker 3: all about regulating your stress tolerance. And yes, it mostly
34:06
Speaker 3: is around intimacy, but you can still strengthen that muscle
34:10
Speaker 3: in a variety of situations. And then I will say,
34:13
Speaker 3: when you get into another relationship, it will shine a
34:17
Speaker 3: light on what work you still have left to do.
34:20
Speaker 3: But if you are really using the tools that I teach,
34:23
Speaker 3: you should be in a good place. Yeah, because I've
34:27
Speaker 3: seen them work in relationships. I've seen them work with
34:29
Speaker 3: single people. I was single when I used the tools,
34:33
Speaker 3: and I have been very successful in my second marriage.
34:35
Speaker 2: Yeah.
34:36
Speaker 1: So it'd be like a fitness competitor only working out
34:40
Speaker 1: when they have a competition coming up. Yeah, right, Like
34:42
Speaker 1: a fitness competitor has to stay in shape for all time,
34:46
Speaker 1: all the time, they just maybe when a competition is
34:49
Speaker 1: coming up, may work a little bit harder at it
34:51
Speaker 1: and see where they need to improve.
34:52
Speaker 3: Absolutely, because then it's like going to a competition, yeah,
34:56
Speaker 3: where you're like a powerlifter and you're like going to
34:59
Speaker 3: just try to lift the weight in the moment. That's
35:01
Speaker 3: not going to help you. You need to be lifting
35:04
Speaker 3: weights by yourself most days of the week.
35:07
Speaker 2: That's right.
35:07
Speaker 1: That's right, Okay, second question that the same person is asking.
35:12
Speaker 1: I've also learned that fas only attract das and or narcissists.
35:16
Speaker 1: My personal history has proven that, besides just becoming more
35:19
Speaker 1: secure as a single woman, how do I actually attract
35:23
Speaker 1: a secure person? I know you can ask the question
35:26
Speaker 1: what did you do to get over your last relationship?
35:29
Speaker 1: And that's and that's supposed to show if they are avoidant.
35:32
Speaker 1: But is there anything else?
35:34
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, you look at the first conflict and how
35:37
Speaker 3: they handle it, and you look at early signs, early
35:42
Speaker 3: red flags, consistency and communication. How do they talk about
35:46
Speaker 3: other people? How do they treat other people? You know,
35:48
Speaker 3: like the waitress at dinner. There's all sorts of things
35:51
Speaker 3: you can be a little bit more vigilant about that
35:53
Speaker 3: is going to that are going to reveal parts of
35:56
Speaker 3: someone's attachment and their character. Now, is it true that
36:00
Speaker 3: most people show up really well in the first few months. Yeah,
36:03
Speaker 3: because you're inundated with oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin and
36:07
Speaker 3: if you're a man, vast suppressing, right, and all of
36:10
Speaker 3: those things make you feel all good inside. But eventually
36:13
Speaker 3: those are gonna wear off and people reveal their true behavior.
36:18
Speaker 3: So just attached slowly.
36:19
Speaker 1: Yeah.
36:20
Speaker 2: I always say, there's just attached slowly.
36:22
Speaker 1: Accountability at the end of the day, like it's huge,
36:24
Speaker 1: it's everything, your first conflict.
36:26
Speaker 2: How do they how do they show accountability?
36:28
Speaker 1: Right?
36:28
Speaker 3: I remember Donald and I's first conflict and immediately, you know,
36:33
Speaker 3: I just told him how I felt, and immediately he
36:35
Speaker 3: was like, wow, I understand, Like I'm really sorry that
36:37
Speaker 3: I you know, I impacted you in that way. I
36:40
Speaker 3: certainly never want to make you feel that way. I
36:42
Speaker 3: care way too much about you to to make you
36:45
Speaker 3: feel that way. And I see how I could have
36:48
Speaker 3: been interpreted in the way that you've interpreted it, and
36:51
Speaker 3: you know, I'm I'm going to really make sure that
36:54
Speaker 3: doesn't happen again.
36:55
Speaker 2: And see how that creates intimacy.
36:56
Speaker 1: So it's like, yeah, I mean because something similar happened
36:59
Speaker 1: with the Josh and me well during our first conflict,
37:01
Speaker 1: because I was like, uh no, this angle fly and
37:04
Speaker 1: he came back and was like, oh gosh, oh gosh, no,
37:07
Speaker 1: I can't lose this person, you know, and really like
37:10
Speaker 1: not necessarily fail on the sword so much, but really
37:12
Speaker 1: just showed up in a way that was like I,
37:15
Speaker 1: you know, I messed up and and I'm really sorry
37:18
Speaker 1: for that and what can I do to make it right?
37:20
Speaker 1: And it really I've said this before on other episodes.
37:23
Speaker 1: It if nothing, it catapulted our relationship to the next level,
37:28
Speaker 1: which is really what should happen when a first conflict
37:31
Speaker 1: takes place. And that's where you know you have to
37:34
Speaker 1: you have to use your own discernment and in deciding
37:37
Speaker 1: whether that you walk away from that first conflict feeling
37:41
Speaker 1: better and closer, and if you don't, then that's a
37:44
Speaker 1: red flag.
37:45
Speaker 3: It is the biggest red flag. And so but attached slowly, right,
37:51
Speaker 3: go slow and it look for the small things and
37:56
Speaker 3: check in with your nervous system. That's why the nervous
37:58
Speaker 3: system work in the emotional completion work and emotional processing
38:01
Speaker 3: to completion. It's so very important because when we process
38:07
Speaker 3: our emotions through to completion, we take the quote signal
38:10
Speaker 3: value of the emotion that has a very strong message.
38:13
Speaker 3: Emotions are messengers. They are here to tell us something
38:17
Speaker 3: and when we ignore them, or we disconnect from them,
38:19
Speaker 3: or we override them with our attachment anxiety, then we
38:23
Speaker 3: don't take the proper message that they're trying to tell
38:25
Speaker 3: us about what we are experiencing in this early stage
38:28
Speaker 3: with someone else, and so just you know, be aware, learn,
38:33
Speaker 3: learn what feels good to you in your own body,
38:35
Speaker 3: and do the nervous system work to get really attuned
38:38
Speaker 3: with your own body so that you can understand those
38:40
Speaker 3: signals and differentiate between excitement and fear in an early
38:44
Speaker 3: stage situation.
38:45
Speaker 2: And you can do that whether you're single or in
38:46
Speaker 2: a relationship.
38:48
Speaker 1: So this one's a little long too, but I think
38:51
Speaker 1: it's important because it's in relation to the DA and sex.
38:58
Speaker 3: Okay, so it.
38:58
Speaker 1: Says I'm curious about the connect between dismissive avoidance and sex.
39:02
Speaker 1: I don't know that the two men I have in
39:04
Speaker 1: mind or DA, but I suspect from behavior patterns and
39:06
Speaker 1: negative conflict cycles between us that they may be. Both
39:10
Speaker 1: men seem to almost be hyper focused on sex. Neither
39:13
Speaker 1: were able to describe any significant romantic feelings for me
39:16
Speaker 1: even after months of the relationship time. Neither wanted to
39:20
Speaker 1: talk about future plans, but made lots of references to
39:23
Speaker 1: just having fun and not overthinking it. When I would
39:26
Speaker 1: talk about being intentional about building a long term relationship, they.
39:29
Speaker 2: Would both avoid it.
39:31
Speaker 1: Both would deflect when I brought up the lack of
39:33
Speaker 1: emotional intimacy passic. Both would withdrawal until they wanted sex,
39:38
Speaker 1: or at least that seemed to be the reason they
39:39
Speaker 1: would re engage situationship sis. I know men sometimes feel
39:45
Speaker 1: like sex is an emotional connection, sometimes the only emotional
39:47
Speaker 1: connection they're willing to entertain.
39:49
Speaker 2: Is this perhaps a red flag for.
39:51
Speaker 1: Someone with dismissive avoidance attachment style or is this not
39:55
Speaker 1: related to attachment at all?
39:57
Speaker 3: No, it's definitely related to attachment. Everything you describe as
40:01
Speaker 3: very typical, very classic DA behavior and a lot of
40:06
Speaker 3: dismissive avoidance. The only type of intimacy that they feel
40:11
Speaker 3: safe with is sex, and so you know there will
40:15
Speaker 3: be a very big lack of emotional intimacy, but then
40:18
Speaker 3: they're somehow still available for the physical intimacy, so that's
40:21
Speaker 3: what feels safest for them. And so yeah, I mean
40:24
Speaker 3: it's definitely a common DA trait. But I think other
40:27
Speaker 3: attachment styles possibly can be in a stage in their
40:32
Speaker 3: life where maybe they're just not looking for something serious
40:34
Speaker 3: for a variety of reasons. I would say that's probably
40:37
Speaker 3: least likely for the AP, but I've seen fas maybe
40:40
Speaker 3: go through stages where they're just like you know, I'm
40:42
Speaker 3: just here to have fun. I'm not ready for anything serious.
40:46
Speaker 3: And you know that's more dependent on their life circumstances.
40:51
Speaker 3: But also it can be them sliding into more of
40:54
Speaker 3: their avoidance side of their attachment. So bottom line is
40:57
Speaker 3: whether it comes from attachment or not, it's not okay, right, And.
41:00
Speaker 2: If you're wanting more, then demand more.
41:03
Speaker 3: Yeah, say I want more. And then if they can't
41:05
Speaker 3: give it to.
41:05
Speaker 1: You, wow, exactly, okay, So I'm gonna do a few more.
41:11
Speaker 1: And this one so this is this includes neuro divergency,
41:16
Speaker 1: so okay, you know, looking for insight from preferably those
41:19
Speaker 1: with adult ADHD and bonus points if they're also DA.
41:23
Speaker 1: When confronted with my DA boyfriend, hold on. When I
41:28
Speaker 1: confronted my DA boyfriend, he didn't send me a simple
41:32
Speaker 1: text letting me know he could no longer hang out
41:34
Speaker 1: and or need space. He can't talk on the phone,
41:36
Speaker 1: very simple things that should only require courtesy texts that
41:39
Speaker 1: I would have no problem honoring. He will ghost me
41:42
Speaker 1: and instead say my mind doesn't think like that. To me,
41:45
Speaker 1: that feels like an excuse and that I'm not a priority.
41:48
Speaker 1: But I don't know, is that truly how a mind
41:50
Speaker 1: with ADHD works. Sometimes I just can't relate because he
41:55
Speaker 1: and my kids are always at the forefront of my mind.
42:01
Speaker 3: I'd be willing to say that's much more related to
42:04
Speaker 3: dismissive avoidant attachment than it is ADHD or ADD a lot.
42:11
Speaker 3: I very rarely see das with ADD, and the ones
42:15
Speaker 3: that I see, they turn out to be fay. See.
42:18
Speaker 3: Here's the thing. I have this hypothesis. I talk about
42:20
Speaker 3: it a lot. I could be wrong, but I think
42:22
Speaker 3: the scientific community needs to look into it. Is that
42:25
Speaker 3: most ADHD is childhood attachment CPTSD that we can also
42:33
Speaker 3: call fearful avoidance, and it impairs working memory of the brain.
42:39
Speaker 3: But the DA attachment system, their attention system is wired
42:44
Speaker 3: towards self. So when he says I don't think that way,
42:47
Speaker 3: he doesn't think about you, But that is because of
42:49
Speaker 3: his attachment. That's not necessarily because he has ADD like
42:54
Speaker 3: a lot of people. I mean, I would consider myself
42:56
Speaker 3: pretty adult ADHD. Shocker. You know I had CPTSD, right, Well,
43:03
Speaker 3: it makes sense because it's disorganized about my partner, yeah time, yeah.
43:08
Speaker 1: But it makes sense that it would be the FA
43:09
Speaker 1: because it's the disorganized attachment. Yeah, and if you think
43:11
Speaker 1: about add and ADHD, it's a very disorganized type of Yes.
43:17
Speaker 3: I mean there's executive function deficits for sure, and related
43:22
Speaker 3: to attention. Das actually are hyper fixators, but they hyperfixate
43:26
Speaker 3: on everything, but theyre intimate partner because the intimate partner
43:29
Speaker 3: is what triggers them. And so I mean sometimes I
43:34
Speaker 3: see das come and they have all these diagnoses AUDIHD,
43:38
Speaker 3: like autism and ADHD, and they have all these things.
43:41
Speaker 3: And again I'm not a clinical psychologist, but I did
43:45
Speaker 3: train alongside them and run a program for clinical psychologists,
43:49
Speaker 3: and so I'm pretty familiar with, you know, a lot
43:52
Speaker 3: of clinical work. And of of course i'm a human
43:57
Speaker 3: behavior specialist, and so I can't give any diagnoses or
43:59
Speaker 3: or say for sure, but a lot of folks I'm
44:02
Speaker 3: just like, gosh, this is just attachment related because lo
44:06
Speaker 3: and behold, when they do the work, they come back
44:08
Speaker 3: and they're like their symptoms are quote gone. And I'm like,
44:12
Speaker 3: if this was a true neurodivergency situation, that wouldn't change
44:18
Speaker 3: just by working on your attachment, right, it wouldn't. And so,
44:23
Speaker 3: you know, I've had clients some I can think in
44:25
Speaker 3: my head in particular where lo and behold, oh my gosh,
44:29
Speaker 3: I'm not really ADHD anymore. You know, it's like, yeah,
44:32
Speaker 3: you probably never wear you know, he probably took a
44:37
Speaker 3: three minute screener that somebody with you know, a one
44:40
Speaker 3: year master's gave you or online, yeah, or it took
44:44
Speaker 3: some test online or just you talk to somebody. And
44:47
Speaker 3: so here's the thing, guys. It never used to be
44:52
Speaker 3: where people with like one year graduate training could make
44:56
Speaker 3: these types of diagnoses. It used to never be that way.
45:00
Speaker 3: And then until it was until we had a mental
45:03
Speaker 3: health crisis in America and we just had to triage people,
45:07
Speaker 3: and we created these degrees that like, you.
45:11
Speaker 2: Know, anybody to get anybody.
45:13
Speaker 3: I don't want to say that now, not anybody said it,
45:18
Speaker 3: but people that normally wouldn't have cut it in a
45:24
Speaker 3: brick and mortar master's program in psychology or a doctoral
45:27
Speaker 3: program in psychology that they would never be able to
45:30
Speaker 3: get in are giving out diagnoses using screener tools instead
45:35
Speaker 3: of doing thorough assessments and clinical interviews and looking at
45:39
Speaker 3: you know, correlation between you know, the interviews and the assessments,
45:44
Speaker 3: and they're just not You're not going to get the
45:48
Speaker 3: same type of assessment as you are going to a
45:51
Speaker 3: trained doctoral level clinical psychologist who is going to be
45:55
Speaker 3: able to do a real like detailed clinical interview and
45:58
Speaker 3: give you more valid and reliable assessments and then take
46:03
Speaker 3: their time really looking through that data to make a diagnosis.
46:08
Speaker 3: We're much too quick to say, well I behave this way,
46:11
Speaker 3: this way, this way, Okay, Well you have ADHD right,
46:13
Speaker 3: you know, and that to me is doing people a
46:15
Speaker 3: grand disservice.
46:16
Speaker 2: Well, we've talked about this before.
46:18
Speaker 1: I mean that the Internet, you know, can yeah diagnosed,
46:23
Speaker 1: it misdiagnoses a lot of people.
46:24
Speaker 3: If I had a nickel for every person that said
46:27
Speaker 3: I took an attachment quiz online and it said I
46:30
Speaker 3: was secure, or.
46:31
Speaker 1: If I had a nickel for every time I went
46:32
Speaker 1: to Google and was like, these are my symptoms.
46:34
Speaker 2: That's wrong with me.
46:35
Speaker 3: You're dying. Yeah, but I let my girl, I let
46:37
Speaker 3: my girlfriend's car on fire, and I don't know why
46:39
Speaker 3: I did that. Well, you're not really secure, you know.
46:43
Speaker 3: I think the test was wrong. It's just because I
46:46
Speaker 3: used to teach the science of psychometrics. It was the
46:50
Speaker 3: class I hated the most to teach, and it was
46:52
Speaker 3: the class that students hated the most to take because
46:54
Speaker 3: boring af It's all statistics, it's all mass I loved statistics,
47:00
Speaker 3: Well then maybe you would have liked it. But you know,
47:02
Speaker 3: they had a project where they had to build an assessment.
47:05
Speaker 3: And here's the thing about psychologists. I will die on
47:09
Speaker 3: the hill that psychologists are the most rigorously trained scientists
47:14
Speaker 3: because we have to measure things that we cannot see,
47:17
Speaker 3: We have to measure things that are fickle. We have
47:20
Speaker 3: to understand error like error of self report bias where
47:24
Speaker 3: people may not remember or people aren't paying attention to
47:27
Speaker 3: the test, and we have to create assessments that factor
47:29
Speaker 3: in all of those things, all of those nuances, and
47:33
Speaker 3: it takes years years to build an assessment and to.
47:38
Speaker 1: Test doesn't have an attachment quiz guys. Yeah, that's why
47:42
Speaker 1: that's one question to answer for everyone, because that question
47:46
Speaker 1: gets asked a lot because it takes.
47:48
Speaker 3: Me three years to build it, and it would take
47:51
Speaker 3: a lot of time. I would have to hire a
47:54
Speaker 3: panel of experts in attachment and have them assessed for
47:57
Speaker 3: content validity. I would have to create questions and run
48:01
Speaker 3: reliability analysis after giving them to sample populations, and then
48:05
Speaker 3: I would have to run Oh my gosh, we'd have
48:07
Speaker 3: to use the multi trait multi level matrix on the
48:10
Speaker 3: dang thing, which is a very complicated statistical model to
48:14
Speaker 3: look for divergence in questions, so look for you know,
48:17
Speaker 3: emergence in questions to look and then we'd have to
48:20
Speaker 3: give it to more populations and then rerun the analyzes,
48:24
Speaker 3: and then we may have to do factor analytical modeling
48:28
Speaker 3: on it. It's just so statistically and scientifically complicated to
48:32
Speaker 3: get a final result. And then even these assessments that
48:35
Speaker 3: have been around for years, they eventually get revised. So
48:38
Speaker 3: you will see if you see an assessment that has
48:40
Speaker 3: a dash R at the end of it, that stands
48:42
Speaker 3: for a revised, meaning that because it has been around
48:45
Speaker 3: for so long, it might be essentially outdated for culture
48:47
Speaker 3: and for you know, traits that we're seeing emerge due
48:51
Speaker 3: to culture and the influence of culture. And so they
48:54
Speaker 3: have to redo the assessment, they have to give it
48:56
Speaker 3: out to more populations, rerun these analyzes. It takes forever.
49:00
Speaker 3: Then you have to write a paper on it, then
49:02
Speaker 3: you have to get it published. Then you have to
49:04
Speaker 3: do revision. You have to do revisions in the publishing process.
49:06
Speaker 3: We're talking three to four years.
49:08
Speaker 2: And a whole another full time job.
49:10
Speaker 3: I don't have time.
49:11
Speaker 1: Well, I think this just goes to show that you're
49:12
Speaker 1: not clickbait, right like you You you speak the truth
49:16
Speaker 1: when it comes to the science. You're not willing to
49:18
Speaker 1: just throw some you know, tests out there that has
49:22
Speaker 1: no credibility or no validity. You know, you trust the science.
49:26
Speaker 1: You know the science, you know what it takes to
49:28
Speaker 1: really prove the science and the statistics that it takes.
49:31
Speaker 1: And so you know, there are I think there are
49:33
Speaker 1: a lot of people out there that are just like, well,
49:35
Speaker 1: here's an attachment quiz as a click bait to kind
49:38
Speaker 1: of pull you in. And I think that says a
49:40
Speaker 1: lot about you because you're not willing to do that.
49:42
Speaker 3: You're not willing to do that. And that's why I
49:44
Speaker 3: use a qualitative methodology, you know, a version of the
49:48
Speaker 3: adult attachment interview. And sometimes I do a little bit
49:51
Speaker 3: more of a semi structured interview and I poke around
49:54
Speaker 3: a little bit more because I mean, I know what
49:56
Speaker 3: I'm doing. You know, I can look for things and
49:59
Speaker 3: if some is say a little bit unclear between like
50:03
Speaker 3: an FA or a DA, then I can ask some
50:05
Speaker 3: more nuanced questions that I know are going to give
50:08
Speaker 3: me more of a straight answer. And so you know,
50:11
Speaker 3: I prefer a qualitative assessment or an interview assessment over
50:16
Speaker 3: a self report quantitative assessment because quantitative assessments have more
50:21
Speaker 3: limitations to them. You can't you have to ask what's
50:24
Speaker 3: on the questionnaire in the exact way it's asked. You
50:27
Speaker 3: can't poke around, right, you can't get nuanced or else
50:30
Speaker 3: you're essentially invalidating the assessment.
50:34
Speaker 2: Now how you would do that with human beings.
50:37
Speaker 3: Well, I mean there's pros and cons for quantitative versus
50:41
Speaker 3: qualitative measurement, and that's a whole another podcast. But what
50:46
Speaker 3: I will say is the quizes online are junk, their garbage,
50:50
Speaker 3: their clickbait. Don't use them, and there's even I'm not
50:55
Speaker 3: going to call them out by name. No, I'm not
50:56
Speaker 3: doing that. There is an organization specifically dedicated to attachment
51:01
Speaker 3: that has a quote online quiz and it is garbage.
51:05
Speaker 3: People come to me after taking it all the time
51:08
Speaker 3: and they're like, but it said attachment in the name,
51:12
Speaker 3: and like their organization says attachment, and I'm like, I
51:14
Speaker 3: get that, But I've also looked at the credentials of
51:17
Speaker 3: the people that rent it. They wouldn't have taken psychometrics
51:20
Speaker 3: in their training program, so they probably don't know that
51:23
Speaker 3: they're not that they're doing something wrong, right, right, they don't.
51:26
Speaker 3: And that's the sad thing is that then we're we're
51:29
Speaker 3: misleading people. And I hate that.
51:31
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you don't want to do that, and this
51:33
Speaker 1: is why I just you know, again, I stand by
51:36
Speaker 1: what it is you're doing because you're doing it the
51:39
Speaker 1: right way, Like you're not just trying to just get
51:43
Speaker 1: any body just to you know, try to ruinely help
51:47
Speaker 1: people in the right way.
51:48
Speaker 2: So just know that everyone.
51:52
Speaker 1: I think I'm glad that I brought that question up
51:54
Speaker 1: because that maybe is like the overall question that I
51:56
Speaker 1: see the most.
51:57
Speaker 2: Does doctor Hinsley have an attachment quiz?
51:59
Speaker 1: So there you go, and let's wrap up with one
52:01
Speaker 1: more question and then we'll get started on something else. Okay,
52:06
Speaker 1: when it comes to dorsal vagel shutdown, is this something
52:08
Speaker 1: that's commonly that commonly happens to DAS or FAS or both.
52:13
Speaker 1: I experience it sometimes when triggered, but my ex experienced
52:16
Speaker 1: it upon every perceived conflict. My ex is neurodivergent, and
52:21
Speaker 1: I know there is a correlation there. They have very
52:24
Speaker 1: they have very dismissive and invalidating responses to conflict, and
52:28
Speaker 1: are highly conflict avoidant AKA will shut down all the
52:31
Speaker 1: time when challenged on these things. Unfortunately for them, I'm
52:35
Speaker 1: proficient in meditation conflict resolution and am an SLP with
52:41
Speaker 1: a background in linguistics. It didn't go well, to say
52:45
Speaker 1: the least. They recently discarded me with zero communication about
52:48
Speaker 1: any relationship concerns from their end and zero options to
52:52
Speaker 1: repair and reconnect after eight years of being together, like
52:57
Speaker 1: nothing for the entire eight years. Did he mesh their
53:00
Speaker 1: sister into the family.
53:04
Speaker 2: No, I'm sorry.
53:05
Speaker 1: They didn't immesh their sister and her family into our
53:07
Speaker 1: relationship and got her to comment on our dynamics, which
53:11
Speaker 1: I found incredibly painful considering the complete sorry I did
53:15
Speaker 1: screenshot this the complete they didn't mesh their sister and
53:21
Speaker 1: her family and okay, which I found incredibly painful considering
53:23
Speaker 1: the complete absence of communication with me. It all ended
53:26
Speaker 1: with a rug pool and then basically abandoning our life together,
53:29
Speaker 1: sabotaging any future, and going on what felt like a
53:34
Speaker 1: state holiday where they wouldn't communate anything other than admint. Okay,
53:38
Speaker 1: this is getting confusing anyway. The point of the question
53:41
Speaker 1: is when it comes to dorsal vagel shutdown, is this
53:43
Speaker 1: something that commonly happens to DA's or FA's are both, it.
53:47
Speaker 3: Can happen to both. Das live there a lot. Das
53:51
Speaker 3: can go up there quicker and stay there much longer
53:54
Speaker 3: than fas. Fas will visit that space and then come
53:58
Speaker 3: back down. Yeah, and so das. Yeah, they can live
54:02
Speaker 3: their life in a very dorsal vaguel dominated state of
54:07
Speaker 3: functional freeze where you know, more freeze than fight or flight.
54:13
Speaker 3: I guess because functional freeze is that blended state of
54:16
Speaker 3: like balancing between freeze or among freeze and fight and flight.
54:21
Speaker 3: And so yes, das, it's a very common space for
54:24
Speaker 3: them to be. Again, it is hard to tease out
54:27
Speaker 3: which could be neuro divergent related and what is attachment related,
54:32
Speaker 3: But yes, das, that's their primary trauma responses freeze, and
54:37
Speaker 3: fas can have it too, especially fas that lean more avoidant.
54:40
Speaker 3: I would say fas go into the freeze response more
54:42
Speaker 3: when they've reached a state of hopelessness in their relationship
54:45
Speaker 3: and they get into their own shutdown, which I term
54:48
Speaker 3: the fa wall of pain, and that's oftentimes dominated by
54:52
Speaker 3: a freeze space where they're just like, I don't even
54:54
Speaker 3: care anymore. But I'm really sorry that happened. And so
54:58
Speaker 3: for all of you guys that submitted these questions, these
55:01
Speaker 3: are really painful things and I'm really sorry that you
55:04
Speaker 3: have experienced them. I know that I'm very direct, and
55:06
Speaker 3: i'm very I don't mince words because I'm not going
55:10
Speaker 3: to tell you to try to make something work with
55:13
Speaker 3: someone who I feel like has no capacity or who
55:16
Speaker 3: is telling you that they since their behavior telling you
55:19
Speaker 3: that they don't want to make it work. But I
55:21
Speaker 3: do have compassion for what it feels like. I was
55:23
Speaker 3: with a DA for a year and a half and
55:25
Speaker 3: it was a nightmare.
55:26
Speaker 2: Yeah.
55:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I could not imagine just specifically on that one,
55:29
Speaker 1: because I know I got a little confusing at the end.
55:31
Speaker 1: I mean, let's just address the fact that this person
55:34
Speaker 1: discarded you after eight years together. That is extremely painful.
55:39
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think at some point we have to
55:42
Speaker 3: stop feeling sorry for them because we know that it
55:46
Speaker 3: is a capacity issue and we know that their nervous
55:49
Speaker 3: system is sort of directing these behaviors, but there's also
55:53
Speaker 3: some character overlap here. And I say this with cheating, Like,
55:57
Speaker 3: to me, there's a character component to cheating. Yeah, people
56:00
Speaker 3: that are not capable of it because the content of
56:02
Speaker 3: their character would not allow their conscience to function in
56:08
Speaker 3: an a fair situation. And then we have people who
56:10
Speaker 3: can override their conscience. And is there a correlation between
56:15
Speaker 3: that and the dorsal Vagel response? Of course, But it
56:18
Speaker 3: doesn't mean we dismiss it or that we excuse it.
56:20
Speaker 3: That's unexcusable, well and inexcusable.
56:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think it's important also to stop blaming
56:26
Speaker 1: yourself or something like that, because that is not that,
56:30
Speaker 1: under any circumstance, is not okay. It's not okay to
56:34
Speaker 1: discard somebody after eight years. I mean even if maybe
56:38
Speaker 1: you flew off the handle and had a moment of
56:41
Speaker 1: weakness and got really reactive, I still can't. I mean,
56:45
Speaker 1: depending on how reactive you got. But I'm just giving
56:48
Speaker 1: an example. I just don't think that pure like discard
56:52
Speaker 1: is ever okay. I mean, we've talked about that, like.
56:54
Speaker 3: We unless there's really serious abuse, that's the only time
56:58
Speaker 3: I would say you can discard some with.
57:01
Speaker 2: No right with total blocking.
57:04
Speaker 3: And yes, otherwise any long term relationship is owed closure.
57:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, agreed, agreed.
57:14
Speaker 1: So on that note, if you are looking for closure,
57:18
Speaker 1: or better yet, if you're looking for your attachment security,
57:21
Speaker 1: please go see doctor Hensley at the lovedoc dot com.
57:24
Speaker 1: And of course we cannot end this without thanking our
57:26
Speaker 1: affiliate armor.
57:28
Speaker 2: We love you.
57:28
Speaker 1: Armor I have in my water per usual, they actually
57:32
Speaker 1: have a neue. They have a new flavor coming out,
57:35
Speaker 1: the pineapple flavor.
57:36
Speaker 2: I can't wait, which I mean, honestly.
57:39
Speaker 1: I know I say it about every flavor that they
57:41
Speaker 1: have because I did the apricot and then I did
57:43
Speaker 1: the peach, and the peach is next level.
57:46
Speaker 3: But man, pineapple pineapple is something special.
57:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, watermelon's special too.
57:50
Speaker 1: With pineapple, Yeah, with the pineapple might be where it's at.
57:54
Speaker 1: And of course, as you know, it's an overall supplement.
57:57
Speaker 1: Helps with the gut, the skin, yes, mental clarity.
58:01
Speaker 3: Bovine clostrum, and so it's it's going to help with
58:04
Speaker 3: your skin, hair, nails, the lining of your gut. And
58:09
Speaker 3: we all know that hot people have tummy issues.
58:12
Speaker 1: So everybody has tummy issues nowadays because they're trauma.
58:17
Speaker 3: But it has helped me so much, and I am
58:19
Speaker 3: such a big fan, and especially if you're not a
58:21
Speaker 3: water drinker, because you just need some flavor. It's just
58:25
Speaker 3: the perfect amount of flavor.
58:27
Speaker 2: So armor is the one supplement I think that I will.
58:30
Speaker 3: Use for the rest of the rest of my days.
58:32
Speaker 1: And absolutely And so for all of our listeners, you
58:35
Speaker 1: can go there if you're a first time purchaser and
58:37
Speaker 1: get fifteen percent off with code love doc at checkout.
58:41
Speaker 3: We also have another affiliate we need to thank today
58:44
Speaker 3: for being an affiliate, the Bedjets.
58:47
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I'm so excited to tell you about
58:49
Speaker 1: the budget.
58:50
Speaker 3: Oh me too. So I've had a bedget for about
58:53
Speaker 3: two years and it is the most fantastic purchase I
58:57
Speaker 3: have ever made in my entire life. So I was
59:00
Speaker 3: so excited. I have been stalking Budget to try to
59:04
Speaker 3: make them an affiliate of this podcast. It is a
59:08
Speaker 3: temperature controlled unit for your bed, so you can be
59:13
Speaker 3: the exact perfect temperature at any given minute in your
59:16
Speaker 3: bed and it doesn't blow on you. It blows through
59:20
Speaker 3: this like cloud mechanism and it just you can set
59:24
Speaker 3: a bi rhythm where it's like it changes temperature throughout
59:27
Speaker 3: the night. Because I start really cold at night, so
59:29
Speaker 3: I get in really warm at the like one oh
59:31
Speaker 3: four level temp and then it slowly goes down. And
59:36
Speaker 3: when you look at how your circadian rhythm works, you
59:39
Speaker 3: cool off as you fall asleep, and that actually helps
59:41
Speaker 3: you fall asleep. And so what was it? How many
59:45
Speaker 3: people reported improved sleep?
59:46
Speaker 1: A ninety four percent survey showed that people had improved sleep.
59:51
Speaker 3: So ninety four percent of people reported improved sleep, which
59:54
Speaker 3: is amazing for any research study, honestly.
59:58
Speaker 1: And it's quiet. It was formula by a NASA engineer.
1:00:02
Speaker 1: And if you're worried about price, because it is an investment,
1:00:04
Speaker 1: it's a matchet is an investment. Like my Days stand
1:00:06
Speaker 1: by their product.
1:00:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, they have a.
1:00:08
Speaker 1: Two year warranty, sixty day no hassle return. But my
1:00:12
Speaker 1: husband got it for me for my for a Christmas present,
1:00:15
Speaker 1: and it has been a game changer in my sleep,
1:00:20
Speaker 1: especially as I approach perimenopause, and I have some night
1:00:23
Speaker 1: sweats that flick on of that cooling temperature.
1:00:27
Speaker 3: They have a dry function too that will keep you dry.
1:00:30
Speaker 1: Listen, we only we only want to talk about products
1:00:33
Speaker 1: that we stand.
1:00:34
Speaker 3: By, and sleep is.
1:00:37
Speaker 1: The foundation of everything you're talking about. The way that
1:00:40
Speaker 1: you eat, the way that you function, the way that
1:00:43
Speaker 1: you're able to work out, and your mental clearer.
1:00:46
Speaker 3: It increases your self regulatory ability, so you can be
1:00:48
Speaker 3: a secure partner in your relationships.
1:00:50
Speaker 1: Amen, And let's all be honest. A lot of people
1:00:54
Speaker 1: in relationships in marriages end up being in separate beds
1:00:58
Speaker 1: for whatever reason a.
1:01:00
Speaker 3: Lot of times because they can't agree on the temperature. Right.
1:01:03
Speaker 2: That's right.
1:01:03
Speaker 1: And so Bedget also has a dual mechanism where you
1:01:08
Speaker 1: can control one side and your partner can control the
1:01:11
Speaker 1: other side at whatever temperature plastic you want. And so
1:01:15
Speaker 1: we love Bedget so much. So we do not have
1:01:17
Speaker 1: a code, but they have a link. It's Bedget Slash
1:01:20
Speaker 1: the Love Doc. Please go visit them. You can receive
1:01:23
Speaker 1: fifty dollars off and believe us when we say, if
1:01:26
Speaker 1: you invest in the budget, it will be one of
1:01:29
Speaker 1: the best investments that you ever made.
1:01:31
Speaker 3: You will never go back. I now have a set
1:01:32
Speaker 3: in the camper and I'm about to buy a set
1:01:35
Speaker 3: to put in a suitcase for when I travel because
1:01:37
Speaker 3: I just feel like I can't live without it now.
1:01:38
Speaker 2: And that girl is bougie.
1:01:40
Speaker 3: Once you go bedjet, you can never go back.
1:01:42
Speaker 1: Once you go, bougie, you can't go back, and I
1:01:45
Speaker 1: love her for it.
1:01:46
Speaker 2: So thank you, Bedget so much.
1:01:48
Speaker 1: Thank you Arma, and thank you to all of you
1:01:50
Speaker 1: all that have submitted your questions and continue to really
1:01:54
Speaker 1: just try to be better, you know, to be better
1:01:57
Speaker 1: for your loved ones, to be better for your romantic
1:01:59
Speaker 1: really relationships. You are the light of the world, you are,
1:02:02
Speaker 1: and we're you know, we might do this more often
1:02:05
Speaker 1: because it was I loved this. I did too, and
1:02:07
Speaker 1: I think I think it's really valuable to our listeners
1:02:10
Speaker 1: to have these you know, burning questions answered, you know,
1:02:14
Speaker 1: in real time, you know, so thank you to everyone.
1:02:17
Speaker 1: If you want to submit a question, please go to
1:02:19
Speaker 1: our patreon's account. Submit that question there at patreons slash
1:02:24
Speaker 1: the loovedoc dot com and I will see it. And
1:02:27
Speaker 1: I promise you guys, I read everything. I read all
1:02:29
Speaker 1: of your emails, I read all of your comments, and
1:02:32
Speaker 1: we just.
1:02:33
Speaker 3: We're so thankful for those community, and we we definitely
1:02:36
Speaker 3: thank you for tuning in.
1:02:37
Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely so, go see doc at her at the
1:02:40
Speaker 1: lovedoc dot com. Check out her services, and until next time, peace, love,
1:02:44
Speaker 1: and perspective.