Latest / The Iconic Midlife with Roxy Manning / Game Episode: Cut, Keep or Redefine: Would You Stay in These Midlife Relationships? with Dr. Darcy Sterling

Transcript

Game Episode: Cut, Keep or Redefine: Would You Stay in These Midlife Relationships? with Dr. Darcy Sterling · The Iconic Midlife with Roxy Manning

• 0:00
  What
• 0:00
  is
• 0:00
  it
• 0:00
  you
• 0:01
  associate
• 0:01
  with
• 0:02
  excitement?
• 0:02
  Because
• 0:03
  sometimes
• 0:04
  what
• 0:04
  feels
• 0:05
  like
• 0:05
  chemistry
• 0:06
  is
• 0:06
  actually
• 0:06
  anxiety
• 0:07
  and
• 0:07
  it's
• 0:08
  not
• 0:08
  good
• 0:08
  for
• 0:08
  us.
• 0:09
  See,
• 0:09
  it
• 0:09
  always
• 0:09
  goes
• 0:10
  back
• 0:10
  to
• 0:10
  that
• 0:10
  nervous
• 0:10
  system.
• 0:11
  You
• 0:11
  have
• 0:11
  a
• 0:11
  longtime
• 0:12
  friend,
• 0:12
  but
• 0:13
  every
• 0:13
  time
• 0:14
  you
• 0:14
  leave
• 0:14
  her
• 0:14
  you
• 0:15
  feel
• 0:15
  drained
• 0:16
  and
• 0:16
  slightly
• 0:17
  judged.
• 0:17
  You
• 0:18
  need
• 0:18
  to
• 0:18
  take
• 0:18
  a
• 0:18
  little
• 0:18
  bit
• 0:19
  more
• 0:19
  responsibility
• 0:20
  for
• 0:20
  how
• 0:20
  those
• 0:21
  interactions
• 0:21
  go
• 0:22
  and
• 0:22
  not
• 0:22
  just
• 0:22
  go
• 0:22
  there
• 0:23
  and
• 0:24
  be
• 0:24
  passive
• 0:25
  on
• 0:25
  the
• 0:25
  receiving
• 0:25
  end
• 0:26
  of
• 0:26
  somebody
• 0:26
  who's
• 0:26
  fire
• 0:26
  hosing
• 0:27
  negativity
• 0:28
  on
• 0:28
  on
• 0:28
  you.
• 0:29
  After
• 0:29
  a
• 0:29
  divorce,
• 0:30
  you're
• 0:30
  dating
• 0:30
  someone
• 0:31
  who
• 0:31
  feels
• 0:32
  safe,
• 0:33
  but
• 0:33
  part
• 0:33
  of
• 0:33
  you
• 0:34
  wonders.
• 0:34
  If
• 0:34
  you're
• 0:35
  settling
• 0:36
  safe
• 0:37
  does
• 0:37
  not
• 0:37
  mean
• 0:37
  that
• 0:37
  you're
• 0:38
  settling
• 0:39
  safe
• 0:40
  is
• 0:40
  a
• 0:40
  secure
• 0:41
  nervous
• 0:41
  system.
• 0:42
  We
• 0:42
  want
• 0:43
  there
• 0:43
  to
• 0:43
  be
• 0:43
  some
• 0:44
  element
• 0:44
  of
• 0:45
  unpredictability
• 0:47
  in
• 0:47
  the
• 0:48
  bedroom,
• 0:48
  maybe
• 0:49
  in
• 0:50
  plans,
• 0:51
  but
• 0:51
  we
• 0:51
  don't
• 0:51
  want
• 0:51
  you
• 0:52
  questioning
• 0:52
  whether
• 0:53
  or
• 0:53
  not
• 0:53
  there
• 0:53
  will
• 0:53
  ever
• 0:54
  be
• 0:54
  plans.
• 0:55
  Safety
• 0:56
  and
• 0:56
  security
• 0:57
  do
• 0:57
  not
• 0:57
  mean
• 0:58
  that
• 0:58
  there
• 0:59
  will
• 0:59
  not
• 0:59
  be
• 1:00
  chemistry.
• 1:01
  You
• 1:01
  know,
• 1:01
  safety
• 1:02
  is
• 1:02
  so
• 1:02
  underrated.
• 1:03
  You
• 1:03
  can't
• 1:04
  have
• 1:04
  pot
• 1:04
  without
• 1:05
  safety.
• 1:07
  To
• 1:07
  go
• 1:07
  to
• 1:08
  the
• 1:08
  edge,
• 1:09
  you
• 1:10
  need
• 1:10
  to
• 1:10
  feel
• 1:11
  safe.
• 1:17
  The
• 1:17
  name
• 1:17
  of
• 1:18
  this
• 1:18
  game
• 1:18
  is
• 1:19
  cut,
• 1:20
  keep
• 1:20
  or
• 1:21
  redefine.
• 1:22
  So
• 1:22
  basically
• 1:23
  I'm
• 1:23
  going
• 1:23
  to
• 1:23
  give
• 1:23
  you
• 1:23
  a
• 1:23
  scenario
• 1:24
  and
• 1:24
  you
• 1:25
  tell
• 1:25
  me
• 1:26
  if
• 1:26
  we
• 1:26
  should
• 1:27
  cut
• 1:27
  it.
• 1:27
  Like,
• 1:27
  this
• 1:27
  relationship
• 1:28
  needs
• 1:28
  to
• 1:29
  end.
• 1:29
  If
• 1:29
  we
• 1:30
  keep
• 1:30
  it,
• 1:30
  it's
• 1:30
  worth
• 1:31
  investing
• 1:31
  in.
• 1:32
  Or
• 1:32
  redefine
• 1:33
  it
• 1:33
  stays,
• 1:34
  but
• 1:34
  in
• 1:34
  a
• 1:34
  different
• 1:35
  form.
• 1:35
  Okay,
• 1:36
  you
• 1:36
  have
• 1:36
  a
• 1:36
  longtime
• 1:37
  friend,
• 1:37
  but
• 1:38
  every
• 1:38
  time
• 1:38
  you
• 1:39
  leave
• 1:39
  her
• 1:39
  you
• 1:40
  feel
• 1:40
  drained
• 1:41
  and
• 1:41
  slightly
• 1:42
  judged.
• 1:42
  Do
• 1:43
  we
• 1:43
  cut,
• 1:44
  keep
• 1:44
  or
• 1:44
  redefine?
• 1:45
  Redefine.
• 1:48
  Really?
• 1:48
  Well,
• 1:49
  what
• 1:49
  does
• 1:49
  redefine
• 1:50
  mean?
• 1:50
  You
• 1:51
  looked
• 1:51
  very
• 1:51
  serious
• 1:52
  there.
• 1:53
  Redefine.
• 1:54
  I
• 1:54
  meant,
• 1:54
  like,
• 1:55
  have
• 1:55
  a
• 1:55
  conversation
• 1:56
  with
• 1:57
  the
• 1:57
  friend
• 1:58
  and
• 1:58
  let
• 1:59
  them
• 1:59
  know
• 1:59
  that
• 1:59
  you
• 2:00
  need
• 2:00
  things
• 2:00
  a
• 2:00
  little
• 2:01
  different
• 2:02
  or
• 2:03
  you
• 2:03
  need
• 2:03
  to
• 2:04
  be
• 2:04
  more
• 2:04
  demonstrative.
• 2:06
  You
• 2:06
  need
• 2:06
  to
• 2:06
  take
• 2:06
  a
• 2:06
  little
• 2:07
  bit
• 2:07
  more
• 2:07
  responsibility
• 2:08
  for
• 2:08
  how
• 2:09
  those
• 2:09
  interactions
• 2:09
  go
• 2:10
  and
• 2:10
  not
• 2:10
  just
• 2:10
  go
• 2:11
  there
• 2:11
  and
• 2:12
  be
• 2:12
  passive
• 2:13
  on
• 2:13
  the
• 2:13
  receiving
• 2:14
  end
• 2:14
  of
• 2:14
  somebody
• 2:14
  who's
• 2:14
  fire
• 2:15
  hosing
• 2:15
  negativity
• 2:16
  on
• 2:16
  on
• 2:16
  you.
• 2:17
  That
• 2:17
  is
• 2:18
  such
• 2:18
  a
• 2:18
  common
• 2:18
  issue,
• 2:18
  by
• 2:19
  the
• 2:19
  way.
• 2:19
  Yes.
• 2:20
  Feeling
• 2:21
  drained.
• 2:21
  Right.
• 2:21
  Like
• 2:22
  after
• 2:22
  you
• 2:23
  have
• 2:23
  an
• 2:23
  interaction
• 2:24
  with
• 2:24
  somebody.
• 2:24
  And
• 2:25
  that
• 2:25
  can
• 2:25
  be
• 2:25
  romantic
• 2:26
  or
• 2:26
  friendship.
• 2:26
  Really.
• 2:27
  I
• 2:27
  mean,
• 2:27
  yes,
• 2:28
  a
• 2:28
  friend
• 2:29
  who
• 2:29
  was
• 2:29
  there
• 2:29
  for
• 2:30
  you
• 2:30
  in
• 2:30
  one
• 2:30
  season
• 2:31
  of
• 2:31
  life,
• 2:32
  but
• 2:32
  now
• 2:33
  your
• 2:33
  values
• 2:33
  and
• 2:34
  lifestyles
• 2:34
  don't
• 2:35
  align
• 2:35
  at
• 2:35
  all.
• 2:36
  Do
• 2:36
  we
• 2:36
  cut,
• 2:37
  keep
• 2:37
  or
• 2:37
  redefine?
• 2:38
  I
• 2:39
  suppose
• 2:39
  qualifiers
• 2:40
  don't
• 2:40
  count.
• 2:40
  This
• 2:41
  is
• 2:41
  like
• 2:41
  a
• 2:41
  very
• 2:42
  black
• 2:42
  and
• 2:42
  white
• 2:43
  game.
• 2:43
  No,
• 2:43
  you.
• 2:44
  Can
• 2:44
  you
• 2:44
  add
• 2:44
  in
• 2:44
  whatever
• 2:45
  you
• 2:45
  think.
• 2:46
  I
• 2:46
  would
• 2:46
  think
• 2:46
  that
• 2:46
  it
• 2:47
  depends
• 2:47
  on
• 2:47
  the
• 2:47
  values
• 2:48
  and
• 2:48
  the
• 2:48
  principles.
• 2:49
  Like,
• 2:49
  I
• 2:49
  don't
• 2:50
  think
• 2:50
  we
• 2:52
  can
• 2:52
  silo
• 2:53
  ourselves
• 2:54
  and
• 2:54
  only
• 2:55
  be
• 2:55
  around
• 2:55
  people
• 2:55
  who
• 2:56
  reflect
• 2:57
  us.
• 2:57
  Exactly.
• 2:59
  I
• 2:59
  think
• 3:00
  that
• 3:00
  that
• 3:00
  is
• 3:01
  limiting.
• 3:02
  I
• 3:02
  think
• 3:02
  it's
• 3:02
  unrealistic
• 3:03
  and
• 3:03
  I
• 3:03
  think
• 3:03
  it
• 3:03
  is
• 3:04
  boring.
• 3:06
  Half
• 3:06
  the
• 3:06
  country
• 3:07
  wouldn't
• 3:07
  talk
• 3:08
  to
• 3:08
  each
• 3:08
  other
• 3:08
  if
• 3:09
  that
• 3:09
  were
• 3:09
  the
• 3:09
  case.
• 3:10
  And
• 3:10
  then
• 3:10
  in
• 3:10
  every
• 3:11
  family,
• 3:11
  just
• 3:12
  about
• 3:12
  there
• 3:13
  would
• 3:13
  be
• 3:13
  members
• 3:13
  who
• 3:14
  couldn't
• 3:14
  talk
• 3:14
  to
• 3:14
  each
• 3:14
  other.
• 3:15
  I
• 3:16
  am
• 3:16
  done
• 3:16
  not
• 3:17
  talking
• 3:17
  to
• 3:17
  people.
• 3:18
  When
• 3:18
  I
• 3:18
  say
• 3:19
  redefine,
• 3:20
  I
• 3:20
  say
• 3:20
  again,
• 3:21
  take
• 3:21
  some
• 3:21
  responsibility
• 3:22
  for
• 3:22
  how
• 3:23
  those
• 3:24
  relationships
• 3:25
  work.
• 3:25
  And
• 3:26
  if
• 3:26
  you
• 3:26
  don't
• 3:26
  see
• 3:27
  them
• 3:27
  very
• 3:28
  often,
• 3:28
  then
• 3:29
  what's
• 3:29
  the
• 3:29
  harm
• 3:29
  in
• 3:30
  keeping
• 3:30
  them?
• 3:31
  You
• 3:31
  notice
• 3:31
  you're
• 3:32
  the
• 3:32
  only
• 3:32
  one
• 3:33
  always
• 3:33
  reaching
• 3:34
  out,
• 3:34
  making
• 3:35
  plans
• 3:35
  or
• 3:36
  keeping
• 3:36
  the
• 3:36
  friendship
• 3:37
  alive.
• 3:38
  Redefine
• 3:39
  again.
• 3:39
  I'm
• 3:39
  going
• 3:40
  to
• 3:40
  land
• 3:40
  in
• 3:40
  the
• 3:40
  middle
• 3:40
  for
• 3:40
  everything
• 3:41
  because
• 3:41
  I
• 3:42
  want
• 3:42
  to
• 3:42
  negotiate.
• 3:43
  I
• 3:43
  want
• 3:43
  to
• 3:43
  negotiate
• 3:44
  for
• 3:44
  everything.
• 3:45
  I
• 3:45
  would,
• 3:46
  I
• 3:46
  would
• 3:46
  say
• 3:46
  I
• 3:47
  feel
• 3:47
  like,
• 3:47
  like
• 3:47
  I'm,
• 3:48
  you
• 3:48
  know,
• 3:48
  I
• 3:48
  would
• 3:49
  like
• 3:49
  you
• 3:49
  to
• 3:49
  initiate,
• 3:50
  not
• 3:50
  I
• 3:50
  feel
• 3:51
  like
• 3:51
  I
• 3:51
  would
• 3:52
  like
• 3:52
  it
• 3:52
  if
• 3:52
  you
• 3:52
  would
• 3:52
  initiate
• 3:53
  plans
• 3:53
  more
• 3:53
  often.
• 3:54
  Can
• 3:54
  you
• 3:55
  please
• 3:55
  initiate
• 3:56
  plans
• 3:56
  every
• 3:56
  other
• 3:56
  time
• 3:57
  period?
• 3:58
  And
• 3:58
  what
• 3:58
  if
• 3:58
  the
• 3:58
  pattern
• 3:59
  still
• 3:59
  stays
• 3:59
  the
• 4:00
  same?
• 4:00
  What
• 4:00
  if
• 4:00
  they
• 4:00
  don't
• 4:01
  change?
• 4:01
  How
• 4:02
  hurtful
• 4:02
  is
• 4:02
  it
• 4:02
  to
• 4:03
  you?
• 4:04
  Is
• 4:04
  it
• 4:04
  okay
• 4:05
  for
• 4:05
  you
• 4:05
  to
• 4:05
  be
• 4:05
  the
• 4:05
  person
• 4:05
  that
• 4:06
  makes
• 4:06
  that?
• 4:06
  Maybe
• 4:07
  that's
• 4:07
  just
• 4:07
  your
• 4:08
  strengths.
• 4:08
  Can
• 4:08
  that
• 4:09
  be
• 4:09
  okay?
• 4:10
  Maybe
• 4:10
  we
• 4:10
  don't
• 4:10
  have
• 4:11
  to
• 4:11
  go
• 4:11
  5050
• 4:11
  on
• 4:12
  everything,
• 4:13
  but
• 4:13
  if
• 4:14
  that
• 4:14
  feels
• 4:14
  like
• 4:16
  it
• 4:17
  takes
• 4:17
  away
• 4:17
  some
• 4:18
  of
• 4:18
  your
• 4:18
  self
• 4:18
  worth,
• 4:19
  then
• 4:19
  you
• 4:19
  got
• 4:19
  to
• 4:19
  cut
• 4:19
  it.
• 4:20
  You
• 4:20
  meet
• 4:21
  someone
• 4:21
  kind,
• 4:22
  emotionally
• 4:22
  available
• 4:23
  and
• 4:24
  consistent,
• 4:25
  but
• 4:25
  you
• 4:26
  don't
• 4:26
  feel
• 4:26
  strong.
• 4:27
  Chemistry,
• 4:30
  what
• 4:30
  do
• 4:31
  we
• 4:31
  do?
• 4:31
  I
• 4:32
  think
• 4:32
  that
• 4:32
  we
• 4:32
  often
• 4:33
  confuse
• 4:33
  chemistry
• 4:34
  for
• 4:34
  uncertainty
• 4:35
  in
• 4:36
  society.
• 4:37
  For
• 4:37
  there
• 4:37
  to
• 4:37
  be
• 4:38
  a
• 4:38
  sexual
• 4:38
  attraction,
• 4:39
  there
• 4:39
  needs
• 4:39
  to
• 4:39
  be
• 4:40
  elements
• 4:40
  that
• 4:40
  you
• 4:40
  can't
• 4:41
  predict.
• 4:41
  There
• 4:41
  needs
• 4:41
  to
• 4:42
  be
• 4:42
  uncertainty.
• 4:44
  So
• 4:45
  uncertainty
• 4:46
  is
• 4:46
  good
• 4:46
  in
• 4:47
  small
• 4:47
  doses.
• 4:48
  But
• 4:49
  you
• 4:49
  can't
• 4:50
  have
• 4:50
  a
• 4:50
  situation
• 4:51
  where
• 4:51
  there's
• 4:52
  absolutely
• 4:52
  no
• 4:53
  attraction
• 4:53
  to
• 4:54
  each
• 4:54
  other.
• 4:55
  You
• 4:55
  use
• 4:55
  that
• 4:55
  as
• 4:56
  an
• 4:56
  opportunity
• 4:57
  to
• 4:57
  reflect
• 4:58
  on
• 4:58
  your
• 4:58
  own
• 4:58
  relationship
• 4:59
  patterns
• 4:59
  to
• 5:00
  learn
• 5:00
  more
• 5:00
  about
• 5:01
  yourself.
• 5:02
  What
• 5:02
  is
• 5:02
  it
• 5:03
  you
• 5:03
  associate
• 5:04
  with
• 5:04
  excitement?
• 5:05
  Because
• 5:05
  sometimes
• 5:06
  what
• 5:07
  feels
• 5:07
  like
• 5:07
  chemistry
• 5:08
  is
• 5:08
  actually
• 5:08
  anxiety
• 5:09
  and,
• 5:10
  and
• 5:10
  it's
• 5:10
  not
• 5:10
  good
• 5:10
  for
• 5:10
  us.
• 5:11
  Is
• 5:11
  that
• 5:11
  right?
• 5:12
  It's
• 5:12
  really
• 5:13
  like
• 5:13
  built
• 5:13
  up
• 5:14
  anxiety.
• 5:14
  Oh,
• 5:14
  really?
• 5:16
  Yeah.
• 5:16
  Because
• 5:16
  small
• 5:17
  doses
• 5:17
  of
• 5:17
  uncertainty
• 5:18
  are
• 5:18
  fine
• 5:19
  in
• 5:19
  the
• 5:19
  beginning
• 5:20
  of
• 5:20
  a
• 5:20
  relationship
• 5:21
  especially.
• 5:21
  It's,
• 5:22
  it's
• 5:22
  necessary
• 5:23
  in
• 5:23
  the
• 5:23
  whole
• 5:24
  seduction
• 5:24
  aspect
• 5:25
  of
• 5:25
  waiting.
• 5:27
  But
• 5:27
  if
• 5:28
  it
• 5:28
  tips
• 5:29
  into,
• 5:30
  I
• 5:30
  feel
• 5:30
  unsteady
• 5:31
  in
• 5:32
  myself,
• 5:32
  I
• 5:32
  feel
• 5:33
  unsteady
• 5:33
  in
• 5:33
  the
• 5:33
  relationship.
• 5:34
  I
• 5:34
  don't
• 5:35
  really
• 5:35
  know
• 5:35
  where
• 5:35
  I
• 5:36
  am
• 5:36
  in
• 5:36
  the
• 5:37
  relationship.
• 5:38
  The
• 5:38
  problem
• 5:38
  is,
• 5:38
  is
• 5:39
  that
• 5:39
  we
• 5:39
  train
• 5:39
  ourselves
• 5:40
  that,
• 5:41
  oh,
• 5:41
  this
• 5:41
  is
• 5:41
  what
• 5:42
  the
• 5:43
  flutters
• 5:43
  feel
• 5:43
  like,
• 5:44
  this
• 5:44
  is
• 5:44
  what
• 5:45
  the
• 5:45
  fluttering
• 5:46
  in
• 5:46
  my
• 5:46
  chest
• 5:46
  feels
• 5:47
  like,
• 5:47
  this
• 5:48
  is
• 5:48
  what
• 5:48
  attraction
• 5:49
  feels
• 5:49
  like.
• 5:50
  But
• 5:50
  if
• 5:50
  that
• 5:50
  doesn't
• 5:51
  dissipate
• 5:51
  over
• 5:51
  time,
• 5:52
  then
• 5:53
  that
• 5:53
  has
• 5:53
  actually
• 5:54
  and
• 5:55
  you
• 5:55
  still
• 5:55
  tolerate
• 5:56
  that.
• 5:56
  You're
• 5:56
  training
• 5:57
  your
• 5:57
  nervous
• 5:57
  system
• 5:58
  to
• 5:58
  tolerate
• 5:58
  low
• 5:59
  levels
• 5:59
  of
• 5:59
  anxiety
• 6:00
  over
• 6:00
  time
• 6:01
  and
• 6:01
  Then
• 6:02
  you
• 6:02
  know,
• 6:02
  if,
• 6:03
  God
• 6:03
  willing,
• 6:03
  that
• 6:03
  relationship
• 6:04
  ends
• 6:05
  because
• 6:05
  it's
• 6:05
  not
• 6:05
  going
• 6:06
  to
• 6:06
  be
• 6:06
  a
• 6:06
  good
• 6:06
  one
• 6:06
  for
• 6:07
  you.
• 6:07
  And
• 6:07
  then
• 6:07
  you
• 6:08
  get
• 6:08
  in
• 6:08
  front
• 6:08
  of
• 6:08
  the
• 6:08
  next
• 6:09
  cons
• 6:10
  human
• 6:10
  being
• 6:10
  and
• 6:10
  you're
• 6:10
  like,
• 6:11
  my
• 6:11
  heart
• 6:11
  isn't
• 6:11
  racing.
• 6:12
  Well,
• 6:13
  maybe
• 6:14
  that's
• 6:14
  an
• 6:14
  opportunity
• 6:15
  to
• 6:15
  do
• 6:15
  some
• 6:15
  reparative
• 6:16
  work
• 6:16
  on
• 6:16
  yourself
• 6:17
  to
• 6:18
  see
• 6:18
  if
• 6:18
  maybe
• 6:19
  what
• 6:20
  has
• 6:20
  happened
• 6:20
  is
• 6:20
  you
• 6:21
  have
• 6:21
  linked
• 6:21
  up
• 6:21
  neurologically.
• 6:24
  Anxiety
• 6:25
  with
• 6:25
  chemistry,
• 6:27
  they're
• 6:27
  not
• 6:27
  the
• 6:27
  same
• 6:28
  thing.
• 6:28
  See,
• 6:29
  it
• 6:29
  always
• 6:29
  goes
• 6:29
  back
• 6:29
  to
• 6:29
  that
• 6:30
  nervous
• 6:30
  system.
• 6:31
  Always.
• 6:32
  Literally
• 6:33
  everything
• 6:33
  does.
• 6:34
  Everything.
• 6:35
  Everything.
• 6:36
  The
• 6:36
  opposite.
• 6:36
  You
• 6:36
  feel
• 6:37
  intense
• 6:37
  chemistry
• 6:38
  with
• 6:38
  someone,
• 6:39
  but
• 6:39
  they're
• 6:40
  inconsistent
• 6:41
  and
• 6:41
  slightly
• 6:42
  avoidant.
• 6:43
  Cut.
• 6:44
  There
• 6:44
  we
• 6:45
  go.
• 6:45
  You're
• 6:45
  like,
• 6:46
  that
• 6:46
  one
• 6:46
  is
• 6:46
  black
• 6:47
  and
• 6:47
  white,
• 6:47
  cut
• 6:47
  and
• 6:48
  run.
• 6:49
  No.
• 6:49
  Slightly
• 6:50
  avoidant.
• 6:50
  No.
• 6:51
  Because
• 6:51
  here's
• 6:51
  the
• 6:52
  thing.
• 6:52
  You're
• 6:53
  not
• 6:53
  changing
• 6:53
  people.
• 6:54
  You
• 6:54
  have
• 6:55
  to
• 6:55
  evaluate
• 6:56
  your
• 6:56
  partner
• 6:56
  for
• 6:57
  who
• 6:57
  they
• 6:57
  are
• 6:57
  today
• 6:58
  and
• 6:58
  not
• 6:58
  who
• 6:58
  you
• 6:59
  hope
• 6:59
  they're
• 6:59
  going
• 6:59
  to
• 6:59
  be
• 7:00
  or
• 7:00
  hope
• 7:00
  they
• 7:00
  might
• 7:01
  return
• 7:01
  to.
• 7:02
  Who
• 7:02
  are
• 7:02
  they
• 7:02
  today?
• 7:04
  That
• 7:04
  is
• 7:04
  the
• 7:04
  greatest
• 7:05
  indicator
• 7:06
  that
• 7:07
  in
• 7:07
  history
• 7:08
  of
• 7:08
  who
• 7:09
  they're
• 7:09
  going
• 7:09
  to
• 7:09
  be.
• 7:10
  And
• 7:10
  if
• 7:10
  all
• 7:10
  the
• 7:10
  person
• 7:10
  has
• 7:11
  shown
• 7:11
  you
• 7:11
  is
• 7:12
  avoidance
• 7:13
  or
• 7:13
  inconsistency,
• 7:14
  if
• 7:15
  they.
• 7:15
  If
• 7:16
  they
• 7:16
  are
• 7:16
  unavailable
• 7:17
  on
• 7:18
  Friday,
• 7:18
  you
• 7:19
  know,
• 7:19
  suddenly
• 7:19
  available
• 7:20
  on.
• 7:21
  On
• 7:21
  Sunday
• 7:21
  and
• 7:22
  on
• 7:22
  Monday,
• 7:22
  making
• 7:23
  you
• 7:23
  feel
• 7:23
  crazy
• 7:24
  because
• 7:24
  you
• 7:24
  were
• 7:25
  questioning
• 7:25
  it.
• 7:26
  No.
• 7:26
  Cut.
• 7:27
  Oh,
• 7:27
  God.
• 7:28
  This
• 7:28
  is
• 7:28
  like
• 7:28
  what
• 7:28
  I'm
• 7:28
  hearing
• 7:29
  now
• 7:29
  from
• 7:29
  friends
• 7:29
  that
• 7:30
  have
• 7:30
  gotten
• 7:30
  out
• 7:30
  of
• 7:30
  relationships
• 7:31
  and
• 7:31
  are
• 7:31
  dating
• 7:31
  these
• 7:32
  new
• 7:32
  people.
• 7:32
  And
• 7:33
  it's
• 7:33
  like,
• 7:34
  this
• 7:34
  is.
• 7:34
  I'm
• 7:35
  seeing
• 7:35
  something
• 7:35
  very
• 7:35
  different
• 7:36
  than
• 7:36
  what
• 7:36
  you're
• 7:36
  seeing.
• 7:37
  Oh,
• 7:37
  my
• 7:38
  goodness.
• 7:38
  Turn
• 7:38
  it
• 7:39
  into
• 7:39
  a
• 7:39
  fun
• 7:40
  little
• 7:40
  drinking
• 7:41
  game
• 7:41
  at
• 7:41
  night
• 7:41
  and
• 7:42
  like,
• 7:42
  just
• 7:44
  help
• 7:44
  them.
• 7:45
  Help
• 7:45
  them.
• 7:46
  Swipe,
• 7:46
  swipe
• 7:47
  left.
• 7:47
  Yes,
• 7:48
  yes,
• 7:48
  exactly.
• 7:49
  Like,
• 7:49
  pass.
• 7:50
  Keep
• 7:50
  going.
• 7:52
  After
• 7:53
  a
• 7:53
  divorce,
• 7:54
  you're
• 7:54
  dating
• 7:54
  someone
• 7:55
  who
• 7:55
  feels
• 7:56
  safe,
• 7:57
  but
• 7:57
  part
• 7:57
  of
• 7:57
  you
• 7:58
  wonders
• 7:58
  if
• 7:58
  you're
• 7:59
  settling
• 8:00
  right.
• 8:00
  That's
• 8:00
  common.
• 8:01
  So
• 8:02
  that's
• 8:02
  very
• 8:02
  similar
• 8:03
  to
• 8:03
  the
• 8:03
  anxiety
• 8:05
  one
• 8:05
  that
• 8:05
  we
• 8:06
  had.
• 8:07
  Safe
• 8:08
  does
• 8:08
  not
• 8:08
  mean
• 8:09
  that
• 8:09
  you're
• 8:09
  settling.
• 8:10
  Safe
• 8:11
  is
• 8:11
  a
• 8:12
  secure
• 8:12
  nervous
• 8:13
  system.
• 8:14
  We
• 8:14
  don't
• 8:14
  want
• 8:14
  your
• 8:15
  nervous
• 8:15
  system
• 8:15
  jittery.
• 8:17
  We
• 8:17
  want
• 8:17
  there
• 8:18
  to
• 8:18
  be
• 8:18
  some
• 8:18
  element
• 8:19
  of
• 8:20
  unpredictability
• 8:21
  in
• 8:22
  the
• 8:22
  bedroom,
• 8:23
  maybe
• 8:24
  in
• 8:24
  plans.
• 8:25
  But
• 8:26
  we
• 8:26
  don't
• 8:26
  want
• 8:26
  you
• 8:26
  questioning
• 8:27
  whether
• 8:27
  or
• 8:28
  not
• 8:28
  there
• 8:28
  will
• 8:28
  ever
• 8:28
  be
• 8:29
  plans
• 8:30
  because
• 8:30
  the
• 8:31
  person
• 8:31
  is
• 8:31
  that
• 8:32
  unavailable.
• 8:33
  So
• 8:34
  safety
• 8:34
  and
• 8:34
  security
• 8:35
  do
• 8:35
  not
• 8:36
  mean
• 8:37
  that
• 8:37
  there
• 8:37
  will
• 8:37
  not
• 8:38
  be
• 8:38
  chemistry.
• 8:40
  Keep.
• 8:40
  You
• 8:40
  know,
• 8:41
  safety
• 8:41
  is
• 8:41
  so
• 8:42
  underrated.
• 8:42
  It
• 8:43
  is
• 8:43
  so
• 8:43
  underrated.
• 8:45
  Right?
• 8:45
  It's
• 8:46
  so
• 8:46
  underrated.
• 8:46
  We're
• 8:47
  always
• 8:47
  looking
• 8:47
  for,
• 8:47
  like
• 8:48
  the
• 8:48
  hot.
• 8:48
  Thing
• 8:48
  and
• 8:49
  like
• 8:49
  the
• 8:49
  excitement
• 8:50
  and
• 8:50
  the.
• 8:50
  Passion
• 8:51
  can
• 8:51
  be
• 8:52
  hot.
• 8:52
  You
• 8:52
  can't
• 8:53
  have
• 8:53
  hot
• 8:53
  without
• 8:54
  safety.
• 8:56
  To
• 8:56
  go
• 8:56
  to
• 8:57
  the
• 8:57
  edge,
• 8:58
  you
• 8:59
  need
• 8:59
  to
• 8:59
  feel
• 9:00
  safe.
• 9:00
  Unless
• 9:01
  you're
• 9:01
  reckless
• 9:03
  and
• 9:03
  you
• 9:03
  probably
• 9:04
  haven't
• 9:04
  lived
• 9:04
  to
• 9:05
  Be
• 9:05
  our
• 9:05
  age
• 9:06
  if
• 9:06
  you
• 9:06
  are.
• 9:07
  So
• 9:08
  there
• 9:08
  must
• 9:08
  be
• 9:09
  a
• 9:09
  foundation
• 9:10
  of
• 9:10
  safety
• 9:11
  to
• 9:11
  do
• 9:11
  the
• 9:12
  wild
• 9:12
  things.
• 9:13
  Good
• 9:13
  point.
• 9:14
  Particularly
• 9:14
  in
• 9:14
  the
• 9:14
  bedroom.
• 9:15
  Yes.
• 9:16
  You've
• 9:17
  done
• 9:17
  a
• 9:17
  lot
• 9:17
  of
• 9:18
  personal
• 9:18
  growth
• 9:19
  on
• 9:19
  yourself
• 9:20
  and
• 9:20
  now
• 9:20
  most
• 9:21
  people
• 9:21
  around
• 9:21
  you
• 9:21
  feel
• 9:22
  like
• 9:22
  they
• 9:22
  haven't.
• 9:23
  What
• 9:23
  do
• 9:24
  you
• 9:24
  do
• 9:24
  that's
• 9:25
  such
• 9:25
  a
• 9:25
  real
• 9:26
  problem?
• 9:27
  So
• 9:27
  when
• 9:28
  you've
• 9:28
  done
• 9:28
  a
• 9:29
  lot
• 9:29
  of
• 9:29
  work
• 9:29
  on
• 9:29
  yourself,
• 9:30
  the
• 9:30
  world
• 9:30
  becomes
• 9:31
  a
• 9:31
  very
• 9:31
  lonely
• 9:32
  place.
• 9:33
  I
• 9:34
  have
• 9:34
  often
• 9:34
  fantasized
• 9:35
  about
• 9:35
  putting
• 9:36
  together
• 9:36
  a
• 9:36
  dating
• 9:37
  app
• 9:37
  where
• 9:37
  people's
• 9:38
  relationship
• 9:39
  skills
• 9:39
  were
• 9:39
  ranked
• 9:40
  and
• 9:40
  their
• 9:40
  emotional
• 9:41
  intelligence
• 9:41
  was
• 9:42
  ranked
• 9:42
  so
• 9:43
  that
• 9:43
  people
• 9:43
  could
• 9:43
  see
• 9:44
  each
• 9:44
  other's
• 9:45
  EQ
• 9:45
  and
• 9:46
  relationship
• 9:47
  skills
• 9:48
  and
• 9:48
  like
• 9:48
  appropriately
• 9:49
  match
• 9:49
  with
• 9:49
  each
• 9:49
  other.
• 9:50
  I'm
• 9:50
  also
• 9:51
  naming
• 9:51
  it
• 9:51
  publicly
• 9:52
  so
• 9:52
  that
• 9:52
  I
• 9:52
  can
• 9:53
  go
• 9:53
  for
• 9:53
  come
• 9:54
  for
• 9:54
  you
• 9:54
  if
• 9:54
  you
• 9:54
  ever
• 9:55
  come
• 9:55
  up
• 9:55
  with
• 9:55
  this.
• 9:55
  Not
• 9:56
  you
• 9:56
  but
• 9:56
  anybody,
• 9:57
  anybody
• 9:58
  makes
• 9:58
  this
• 9:58
  idea.
• 10:00
  But
• 10:01
  it
• 10:01
  is
• 10:01
  a
• 10:01
  real,
• 10:01
  it's
• 10:02
  a
• 10:02
  real
• 10:02
  problem.
• 10:03
  It
• 10:03
  can
• 10:03
  feel
• 10:04
  incredibly
• 10:05
  lonely.
• 10:06
  You
• 10:07
  have
• 10:07
  to
• 10:07
  find
• 10:08
  spaces
• 10:08
  where
• 10:09
  emotionally
• 10:09
  intelligent
• 10:10
  people
• 10:10
  and
• 10:11
  people
• 10:11
  into
• 10:11
  self
• 10:12
  growth
• 10:12
  are
• 10:13
  likely
• 10:13
  to
• 10:14
  be
• 10:14
  so
• 10:15
  that
• 10:15
  you
• 10:15
  can
• 10:15
  expand
• 10:16
  your
• 10:16
  world.
• 10:16
  You
• 10:16
  don't
• 10:17
  want
• 10:17
  a
• 10:17
  clean
• 10:17
  house,
• 10:18
  you
• 10:18
  know,
• 10:18
  you're,
• 10:19
  your
• 10:20
  tribe
• 10:20
  is
• 10:20
  very
• 10:21
  important.
• 10:21
  You
• 10:21
  don't
• 10:22
  need
• 10:22
  everybody
• 10:22
  to
• 10:23
  be,
• 10:24
  I
• 10:25
  don't
• 10:25
  know,
• 10:25
  enlightened.
• 10:26
  You
• 10:26
  don't
• 10:26
  need
• 10:27
  everyone
• 10:27
  to
• 10:28
  be
• 10:28
  able
• 10:28
  to
• 10:28
  have
• 10:28
  a
• 10:29
  conversation
• 10:29
  like
• 10:29
  the
• 10:30
  one
• 10:30
  I
• 10:30
  can
• 10:30
  have
• 10:30
  with
• 10:31
  you
• 10:31
  that
• 10:31
  would
• 10:31
  be
• 10:32
  miserable
• 10:33
  if
• 10:34
  you
• 10:34
  had
• 10:34
  too
• 10:34
  many
• 10:34
  of
• 10:34
  me
• 10:35
  in
• 10:35
  your
• 10:35
  life.
• 10:35
  You
• 10:36
  need
• 10:36
  like
• 10:37
  one
• 10:37
  of
• 10:38
  me
• 10:38
  or
• 10:38
  a
• 10:38
  half
• 10:38
  of
• 10:39
  me
• 10:39
  or
• 10:39
  maybe
• 10:40
  even
• 10:40
  a
• 10:40
  quarter
• 10:40
  of
• 10:41
  me.
• 10:42
  Then
• 10:42
  a
• 10:43
  lot
• 10:43
  of
• 10:43
  other
• 10:43
  diversity,
• 10:44
  you
• 10:44
  know,
• 10:45
  so
• 10:46
  people
• 10:46
  that
• 10:46
  are
• 10:47
  cheating,
• 10:47
  just
• 10:47
  drinking
• 10:48
  the
• 10:48
  Kool
• 10:48
  aid,
• 10:49
  who
• 10:49
  understand
• 10:50
  the
• 10:50
  language
• 10:50
  and
• 10:51
  are
• 10:51
  conversant
• 10:51
  in
• 10:52
  it,
• 10:52
  but
• 10:52
  they
• 10:52
  don't
• 10:52
  want
• 10:53
  to
• 10:53
  go
• 10:54
  two
• 10:54
  miles
• 10:55
  deep
• 10:55
  on
• 10:55
  every
• 10:55
  topic
• 10:56
  the
• 10:56
  way
• 10:56
  I
• 10:56
  do.
• 10:57
  So
• 10:58
  you
• 10:58
  have
• 10:59
  to
• 10:59
  find
• 10:59
  spaces
• 11:00
  where
• 11:00
  people
• 11:01
  are
• 11:01
  more
• 11:01
  likely
• 11:02
  to
• 11:02
  gravitate
• 11:03
  who
• 11:03
  are
• 11:04
  into
• 11:04
  personal
• 11:04
  growth.
• 11:05
  So
• 11:05
  go,
• 11:05
  go
• 11:06
  on
• 11:06
  retreats,
• 11:07
  growth
• 11:08
  retreats,
• 11:08
  you
• 11:09
  know,
• 11:09
  go
• 11:10
  join,
• 11:11
  join
• 11:12
  live
• 11:12
  classes
• 11:13
  where
• 11:13
  people
• 11:13
  are
• 11:14
  learning
• 11:14
  this
• 11:14
  stuff,
• 11:15
  where
• 11:16
  they're
• 11:16
  learning
• 11:16
  about
• 11:17
  emotional
• 11:17
  intelligence,
• 11:18
  where
• 11:18
  they're
• 11:18
  lear
• 11:19
  about
• 11:19
  relationship
• 11:20
  skills.
• 11:21
  Find
• 11:21
  like
• 11:22
  minded
• 11:22
  people
• 11:23
  go,
• 11:23
  you
• 11:23
  know,
• 11:23
  do
• 11:24
  meetups
• 11:26
  and
• 11:26
  not
• 11:26
  just
• 11:26
  the
• 11:26
  good
• 11:27
  ones
• 11:27
  with
• 11:27
  the
• 11:27
  Michelin
• 11:28
  star
• 11:29
  restaurants
• 11:29
  like
• 11:30
  I
• 11:30
  love
• 11:30
  those
• 11:31
  too.
• 11:31
  But
• 11:32
  they're
• 11:32
  not
• 11:32
  always
• 11:33
  going
• 11:33
  to
• 11:33
  get
• 11:34
  you
• 11:34
  in
• 11:35
  contact
• 11:35
  with
• 11:35
  people
• 11:36
  who
• 11:36
  have,
• 11:37
  who
• 11:37
  are
• 11:37
  going
• 11:37
  to
• 11:37
  be
• 11:38
  able
• 11:38
  to
• 11:38
  meet
• 11:38
  you
• 11:39
  where
• 11:39
  you're
• 11:40
  at
• 11:40
  and
• 11:40
  challenge
• 11:41
  you
• 11:41
  because
• 11:42
  you've
• 11:42
  done
• 11:42
  that
• 11:42
  kind
• 11:43
  of
• 11:43
  work.
• 11:43
  You
• 11:43
  kind
• 11:43
  of
• 11:44
  want
• 11:44
  someone
• 11:44
  to
• 11:44
  be
• 11:44
  able
• 11:44
  to
• 11:44
  push
• 11:45
  on
• 11:45
  you.
• 11:46
  You
• 11:46
  want
• 11:46
  that,
• 11:46
  you
• 11:47
  want
• 11:47
  somebody
• 11:47
  who
• 11:47
  can
• 11:48
  challenge
• 11:48
  you.
• 11:49
  You
• 11:49
  don't
• 11:49
  want
• 11:49
  all
• 11:49
  of
• 11:50
  yourself.
• 11:51
  Right.
• 11:52
  It's
• 11:52
  kind
• 11:52
  of
• 11:52
  like
• 11:53
  being
• 11:53
  intelligent
• 11:53
  and
• 11:54
  being
• 11:54
  the
• 11:54
  smartest
• 11:54
  one
• 11:55
  in
• 11:55
  the
• 11:55
  room.
• 11:55
  That's
• 11:55
  a
• 11:55
  lonely
• 11:56
  place,
• 11:56
  I
• 11:56
  would
• 11:57
  imagine.
• 11:57
  I
• 11:57
  don't
• 11:58
  often
• 11:58
  find
• 11:58
  myself
• 11:58
  as
• 11:59
  that
• 11:59
  person,
• 12:00
  but
• 12:00
  I
• 12:01
  know
• 12:01
  a
• 12:01
  lot
• 12:01
  of
• 12:01
  people
• 12:01
  who
• 12:02
  are
• 12:02
  the
• 12:02
  smartest
• 12:02
  people
• 12:03
  in
• 12:03
  the
• 12:03
  room,
• 12:03
  and
• 12:04
  they
• 12:04
  tell
• 12:04
  me
• 12:04
  it's
• 12:05
  very
• 12:05
  lonely.
• 12:06
  You
• 12:06
  would
• 12:06
  think
• 12:06
  you'd
• 12:06
  want
• 12:07
  some,
• 12:07
  like,
• 12:07
  you're
• 12:07
  saying
• 12:07
  that
• 12:08
  challenge
• 12:08
  and
• 12:08
  that
• 12:09
  you.
• 12:09
  Want
• 12:09
  someone
• 12:10
  who
• 12:11
  can
• 12:11
  press
• 12:11
  against
• 12:12
  you
• 12:12
  and.
• 12:12
  And
• 12:12
  challenge
• 12:13
  your
• 12:14
  thoughts
• 12:14
  and
• 12:14
  your
• 12:15
  thinking
• 12:15
  and
• 12:15
  your
• 12:16
  feeling
• 12:17
  on
• 12:18
  topics.
• 12:19
  That's
• 12:19
  what
• 12:19
  we
• 12:20
  want.
• 12:21
  We
• 12:21
  want
• 12:21
  someone
• 12:22
  who
• 12:22
  can
• 12:22
  press
• 12:22
  back.
• 12:23
  We
• 12:23
  want
• 12:23
  a
• 12:24
  sparring
• 12:24
  partner.
• 12:25
  Yes.
• 12:26
  There's
• 12:26
  nothing
• 12:27
  better,
• 12:27
  right?
• 12:28
  I
• 12:28
  don't
• 12:28
  think
• 12:28
  there's
• 12:29
  anything
• 12:29
  better.
• 12:30
  Right.
• 12:30
  You
• 12:30
  like
• 12:30
  that
• 12:31
  excitement
• 12:31
  as
• 12:31
  long
• 12:32
  as
• 12:32
  it's
• 12:32
  done
• 12:32
  respectfully.
• 12:33
  Right.
• 12:33
  Like,
• 12:34
  that's
• 12:34
  why
• 12:34
  you
• 12:34
  need
• 12:34
  safety.
• 12:35
  Yeah,
• 12:35
  exactly.
• 12:37
  See,
• 12:37
  we
• 12:37
  love
• 12:38
  safety.
• 12:38
  We
• 12:38
  love
• 12:39
  it.