Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #14: Discipline

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#14: Discipline · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Hello and welcome. This is episode fourteen of the Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families podcast. My name is doctor Justin Coulson, and this
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  Speaker 1: is the podcast that's dedicated to making your family happier.
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  Speaker 1: In today's podcast, Discipline, we're looking at the way you
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  Speaker 1: discipline your children, what you think discipline is and how
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  Speaker 1: it's working for you. Oh, and what makes for the
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  Speaker 1: best kind of discipline. Plus a brand new segment today
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  Speaker 1: called sixty second Psychology. Today we're going to take a
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  Speaker 1: look at a study in sixty second Psychology that looks
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  Speaker 1: at the impact of parenting style on teenager's decisions around
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  Speaker 1: four different areas pro social behavior and acting nicely, friendship choices,
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  Speaker 1: alcohol and other drug use, and academic efforts. And the
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  Speaker 1: results may surprise you. Also seven reasons punishment does not work.
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  Speaker 1: We're talking about parent discipline and how we can get
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  Speaker 1: our children to act in good ways, and in three
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  Speaker 1: minute therapy, a parent who wants to stop the cycle
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  Speaker 1: of abuse in her home. It's a challenging and important
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  Speaker 1: discussion for every parent to think about. That's all coming up,
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  Speaker 1: but first sixty seconds Psychology. This is a new segment
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  Speaker 1: on the Happy Families podcast. So let me explain how
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  Speaker 1: it works. I'm going to take sixty seconds to share
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  Speaker 1: the findings of a scientific study. I'll tell you the
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  Speaker 1: research is, what they did in their investigation, what they found,
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  Speaker 1: what it means for you. But to keep it interesting,
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  Speaker 1: I've only got sixty seconds to do it. And my
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  Speaker 1: sixty seconds is up. My producer Russell is going to
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  Speaker 1: shut me off or do something horrible to me, play
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  Speaker 1: a sound effect or some music over the top of me.
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  Speaker 1: Here we go, sixty seconds. Psychology starts now. A team
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  Speaker 1: of researchers from Brigham Young University looked at the way
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  Speaker 1: that parents raise their teens, and they looked at their
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  Speaker 1: behaviors in relation to school effort, friendship choices, how they
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  Speaker 1: treated other people, and the use of alcohol and other drugs.
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  Speaker 1: And results showed that means who had high values and
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  Speaker 1: stuck to them had proactive parents. They were parents who
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  Speaker 1: used something called deference or reasoned difference as their parenting style.
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  Speaker 1: These were the kids that had good friendships, They treated
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  Speaker 1: others respectfully, they worked hard at school, they stayed away
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  Speaker 1: from alcohol and drugs. They were good kids. And those
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  Speaker 1: parents were doing something unique. This is what they were doing.
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  Speaker 1: They were saying to their kids here's the situation, here's
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  Speaker 1: what I expect. How do you feel about it? What
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  Speaker 1: do you see is the best way to work through it?
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  Speaker 1: How can we problem solve and reconcile our differences? And
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  Speaker 1: then they say, okay, well, I'm leaving it up to you.
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  Speaker 1: I trust you. They deferred to their kids. But parents
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  Speaker 1: who were reactive and who were high on control had
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  Speaker 1: children whose behavior was incongruent with their professed values. So
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  Speaker 1: in short, the kids who behaved best did it because
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  Speaker 1: they wanted to.
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  Speaker 2: Sue.
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  Speaker 1: That's my time up, sorry, Russell. Let me finish that sentence.
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  Speaker 1: The kids who were doing the right thing were doing
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  Speaker 1: it because they wanted to, because they had parents who
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  Speaker 1: were proactive and who talked about stuff before it happened,
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  Speaker 1: and they supported their all time and let them make choices. Well,
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  Speaker 1: I'll do better next time, I promise. In a fortnite
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  Speaker 1: sixty second psychology only go sixty second. Okay, so that's
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  Speaker 1: sixty second psychology. If you miss it because I was
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  Speaker 1: really against the clock, it might be worth just rewining
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  Speaker 1: on the podcast and listening again, because the results are
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  Speaker 1: important for parents. If we want to use deference or
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  Speaker 1: reason to deference, we'll get better results. Okay, up next,
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  Speaker 1: Why punishment doesn't work.
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  Speaker 3: Most children are born curious and confident. They love to
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  Speaker 3: explore the world, meet new friends, and try new things.
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  Speaker 3: But between the ages of two and twelve, confidence often
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: drops off. Why and how can we rebuild it? Creating
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: Confident Kids is an easy to read ebook for busy
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: parents where you'll discover the five biggest mistakes most parents
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: make that crush their kids' confidence, and the five best
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  Speaker 3: confidence boosters for building resilience and well being in your children.
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  Speaker 3: Creating Confident Kids by doctor Justin Coulson at Happy Families
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  Speaker 3: dot com dot a.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast. My name is doctor Justin Coulson. Today,
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  Speaker 1: punishment as discipline? Does it work? Doesn't it work? What's
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  Speaker 1: the problem with it? Well, I hit the streets and
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  Speaker 1: pop down to a local school. You'll hear a lot
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  Speaker 1: of noise in the background as I talk with some
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  Speaker 1: parents randomly, unexpectedly and asked them what their usual discipline
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  Speaker 1: strategies are. I was at the school gate and here's
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  Speaker 1: what they said when I asked them, what do you
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  Speaker 1: think of when you hear the word discipline?
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  Speaker 4: At the moment? Yelling yeah, yelling, He's one of the
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  Speaker 4: things I seem to do a lot and I try
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  Speaker 4: really hard not to do. But yeah, that's how I
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  Speaker 4: seem to get through.
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  Speaker 1: To her a little bit explanation.
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  Speaker 5: We need to explain, for bearing in mind their ages,
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  Speaker 5: I need to explain to them what they've done wrong.
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  Speaker 5: So talking, I need to talk to them.
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  Speaker 4: When i'm what about you time out?
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  Speaker 1: They're going to go to their rooms. That's the first
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  Speaker 1: thing that comes to mind. Discipline is time out. Oh well,
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  Speaker 1: don't do it, of course, but time yeah, yeah, go
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  Speaker 1: to your room, think about what you've done, you know.
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  Speaker 2: Basically discipline, giving your children boundaries and having consequences if
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  Speaker 2: they don't stay with him.
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  Speaker 1: So it seems that in my very small sample, I
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  Speaker 1: got pretty much the same responses that I normally get
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  Speaker 1: from parents in my workshops all over Australia. Discipline is
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  Speaker 1: just another word for consequences or punishments. So then I
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  Speaker 1: asked this question, what kinds of discipline strategies do you
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  Speaker 1: think that most parents rely on? And the results probably
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  Speaker 1: won't surprise you.
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  Speaker 4: Probably grounding, yeah, a lot of yelling.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, a lot of people do consider time out. I
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  Speaker 5: like to think that a lot of my school friends.
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  Speaker 5: We talk to our kids and we generally explain what
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  Speaker 5: it is that they've done wrong and remind them of
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  Speaker 5: the choices they've got.
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  Speaker 1: Do you reckon that mums and dads do discipline differently, Yes, oh, definitely.
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  Speaker 5: Definitely, even within the same family sometimes that can.
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  Speaker 1: Be So what's the difference, because that was a definite Yes.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, sometimes, Marx, I don't know.
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  Speaker 3: I'm pretty easy going for most of the time, but
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  Speaker 3: once it gets to the limit, I can have a
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  Speaker 3: bit of a yell at him, you know what I mean.
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  Speaker 1: Screwing at him.
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  Speaker 3: But yeah, it's mainly, you know, my best way to
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  Speaker 3: deal with them is get to your room.
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  Speaker 6: Okay, probably yelling, Probably time out I feel just from
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  Speaker 6: reading bits and pieces, but yeah, probably those two things
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  Speaker 6: aways helping the blue.
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  Speaker 1: Like.
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  Speaker 2: Removing items that they enjoy, you know, maybe no dessert.
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  Speaker 2: Timeouts gets changed a bit over the years.
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  Speaker 1: Sounds nasty. How did it used to be?
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  Speaker 2: I know, I got many wooden spoons broken over my
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  Speaker 2: bottom and lots of groundings.
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  Speaker 1: There was one mum who responded completely different to the.
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  Speaker 6: Others leadership and its.
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  Speaker 1: That's a really unusual response. Most people say yelling.
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  Speaker 6: No, I don't like yelling for me or my kids.
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  Speaker 1: And I think this mum is on the money. See,
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  Speaker 1: most parents think discipline and punishment are the same thing,
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  Speaker 1: but they're not. Punishment means hurting someone because we don't
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  Speaker 1: like the way they've acted, we make them pay a price.
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  Speaker 1: Punishment is about retribution, not rehabilitation. Discipline, however, is about
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  Speaker 1: teaching and guiding and instructing and problem solving. The emphasis
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  Speaker 1: with discipline is not on getting someone in trouble and
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  Speaker 1: making them pay a price because we don't like what
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  Speaker 1: they've done. It's about guiding them through a useful, positive
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  Speaker 1: thinking process and helping them to solve problems so that
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  Speaker 1: they can act in good ways. Now, I've got a
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  Speaker 1: list of seven reasons that punishment is bad for our children.
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  Speaker 1: The first one is that it's just bad for our relationship.
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  Speaker 1: Children who grow up being punished consistently don't have good
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  Speaker 1: relationships with their parents as a general rule, because we
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  Speaker 1: don't like people that punish us. But we know from
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  Speaker 1: lots and lots of research that kids need to have
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  Speaker 1: strong relationships with their parents. That's what leads to resilience,
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  Speaker 1: that's what leads to happiness in life, and that's what
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  Speaker 1: they really need from us. Punishing our children is bad
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  Speaker 1: for our relationship. The second thing, punishment teaches power and coercion.
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  Speaker 1: It's one thing to get people to do the right
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  Speaker 1: thing just because they want to do it. It's another
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  Speaker 1: thing altogether to use your power to make them do it.
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  Speaker 1: And punishment is a form of control. It's overt and
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  Speaker 1: explicit control, and that it just leads to less optimal outcomes.
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  Speaker 1: Plus it teaches kids that that's how they can get
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  Speaker 1: things done as well. So kids who are punished a
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  Speaker 1: lot at home tend to be the same children who
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  Speaker 1: may bully in the playground, or may bully their siblings
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  Speaker 1: or their neighbors. There can be a little bit of
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  Speaker 1: a problem there, okay. The third thing, punishing your children
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  Speaker 1: atually reduces your influence. You've got lots of influence when
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  Speaker 1: you're there, but not so much when you're not. Think
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  Speaker 1: about the policeman down the road. He's got lots of
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  Speaker 1: influence while ever he's visible, everyone slows down. But as
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  Speaker 1: soon as you've gone past that policeman and his influence
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  Speaker 1: is no longer nearby, chances are you're not going to
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  Speaker 1: be quite so cautious in keeping the speed limit. Hitting
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  Speaker 1: or punishing your children reduces your influence. Here's the fourth thing.
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  Speaker 1: Punishing your children actually ignores the reasons for the behavior.
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  Speaker 1: And I've spoken a lot about this in my podcast
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  Speaker 1: and in my seminars. Our kids are behaving in challenging
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  Speaker 1: ways not because they've woken up this morning and decided
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  Speaker 1: that they're going to be ratty and horrible. It's because
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  Speaker 1: there's something going on in their world that's challenging them,
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  Speaker 1: and this is how they're displaying their difficulty in coping
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  Speaker 1: with the challenge. When we punish our children, we ignore
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  Speaker 1: the need that is driving the challenging behavior. It's like
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  Speaker 1: a band aid, a very painful and happy band aid
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  Speaker 1: that we put over our children's behavior. But five, Punishing
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  Speaker 1: your children actually has an impact on their comprehension of
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  Speaker 1: what is good and bad. There's a lot of morality
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  Speaker 1: mixed up with punishment. The more we punish, the more
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  Speaker 1: they start to wonder what's okay and what's not. The
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  Speaker 1: more we punish, the more it can impact on their
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  Speaker 1: capacity to think through things and have a healthy perspective.
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  Speaker 1: It can actually affect the way they perceive what is
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  Speaker 1: good and bad because where the parents, and we're apparently
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  Speaker 1: doing something good by doing something bad to them. It
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  Speaker 1: sends a very big mixed message. Punishment's only a quick fix.
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  Speaker 1: Is the sixth reason that it's a problem. It doesn't
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  Speaker 1: really last want that we want our kids to regulate
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  Speaker 1: their behavior for the right reasons, not because we're standing
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  Speaker 1: above them with a big stick metaphorically speaking. Of course,
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  Speaker 1: it's a quick fix. We get a short term outcome,
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  Speaker 1: and that is all. And the last thing is punishment
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  Speaker 1: makes kids sneakier. It pushes unwanted behavior underground. When we
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  Speaker 1: say to our children, don't you ever let me catch
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  Speaker 1: you doing that again, they say to us, don't worry, dad,
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  Speaker 1: you lever catch me doing that again. I'll be much
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  Speaker 1: sneakier next time. Now, this summary of seven reasons that
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  Speaker 1: punishment doesn't work based on decades of scientific evidence, which
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  Speaker 1: pretty much collectively says that punishing our children and controlling
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  Speaker 1: them when they behave in challenging ways does not lead
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  Speaker 1: to optimal outcomes, except for the very brief quick fix
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  Speaker 1: that we might sometimes get. I did allude to that earlier,
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  Speaker 1: But of course it doesn't really ever lead to anything
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  Speaker 1: easy because we've got to deal with all of the dramas.
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  Speaker 1: The kids whine and moan when we start to come
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  Speaker 1: in with these punishments as discipline, it just doesn't work. Oh.
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  Speaker 1: By the way, you know when I said it was
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  Speaker 1: a quick fix, I should point you to George Holden's
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  Speaker 1: experiment in twenty fourteen. He studied corporal punishment hitting in
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  Speaker 1: the home. He found that in seventy four percent of cases,
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  Speaker 1: children who were hit by their parents as punishment were
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  Speaker 1: back at their challenging behavior in less than ten minutes.
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  Speaker 1: It was a pretty short term outcome. I chatted with
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  Speaker 1: parents and as in how effective all long lasting those
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  Speaker 1: disciplined strategies were not real good. They seem to do
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  Speaker 1: it a lot, and they don't stop. That's all right.
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  Speaker 5: No time out works sometimes.
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  Speaker 1: I don't. The yelling doesn't get us anywhere. It's yelling is.
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  Speaker 3: Just more of a release for yourself, you know what
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  Speaker 3: I mean.
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  Speaker 1: You just you've had an af stop and that's it.
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  Speaker 6: I'm not sure it's not something we've necessarily explored. Perhaps
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  Speaker 6: time out might be effective because it might give a
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  Speaker 6: child time to process what if explained to why the
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  Speaker 6: timeout is happening. Perhaps it gives them chance to think
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  Speaker 6: about what they've what they've been putting in time out for.
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  Speaker 6: But I'm to be honest, I'm not really sure.
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  Speaker 1: First they get upset, but then I understand.
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  Speaker 4: And that's what I've said about discipline and having to
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  Speaker 4: understand it.
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  Speaker 1: Well.
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  Speaker 2: I know time out works for my children, and certainly
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  Speaker 2: the idea of no Netflix for a week is a
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  Speaker 2: good motivation to stay within the boundaries.
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  Speaker 1: Perhaps most important, I asked how things felt when those
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  Speaker 1: discipline strategies were used.
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  Speaker 4: It's unpleasant at first because you see your child upset, but.
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  Speaker 1: You obviously know it's for calls and you'll.
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  Speaker 4: Learned from them. It gets very stressful, I know from
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  Speaker 4: my experience that's what's going on at the minute. Yeah,
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  Speaker 4: it's just not working. So trying to think of a
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  Speaker 4: lot of other things how to deal with certain things
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  Speaker 4: that are going on.
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  Speaker 2: Oh frustrating. But that's parenting, isn't it. You've got to
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  Speaker 2: give them those boundaries.
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  Speaker 1: So what should we do instead? Here are five ideas
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  Speaker 1: to help make your family happier and improve your child's behavior.
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  Speaker 1: First of all, we've got to be in each other's
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  Speaker 1: worlds more. Now I know that you actually when they're
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  Speaker 1: challenging you don't want to be anywhere near them, and
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  Speaker 1: you want to send them away from you. But what
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  Speaker 1: they need is they need to be close. At the
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  Speaker 1: times where they need our love the most, they ask
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  Speaker 1: for it in the most uncivil ways. They need us
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  Speaker 1: to be close to them. We need to read books
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  Speaker 1: with them, or invite them into the kitchen to help
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  Speaker 1: with the cooking, or just go and play some games
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  Speaker 1: on the ground or in the backyard with them. Do
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  Speaker 1: something to them, ask them questions, get involved in each
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  Speaker 1: other's worlds. That's what stops problem behavior. Secondly, understand things
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  Speaker 1: from your child's perspective. See we often say to our children,
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  Speaker 1: would you cut that out? Your being a pain? What
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  Speaker 1: do you think the universe revolves around you? What we're
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  Speaker 1: really saying is you're being quite difficult. What do you
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  Speaker 1: think the universe revolves around me? Don't be silly, It
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  Speaker 1: revolves around me. Why is our child acting up? Are
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  Speaker 1: they jealous of a new sibling? Are they feeling lonely?
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  Speaker 1: Are they hungry or tired or angry or stressed or sick?
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  Speaker 1: Just sit and be patient and listen. Eventually they'll tell
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  Speaker 1: you if you listen and observe. The third thing you
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  Speaker 1: do when your children are challenging you is you do
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  Speaker 1: everything you can to not punish them. You teach them.
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  Speaker 1: When a child can't read, we don't get them in
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  Speaker 1: trouble for it. We just teach them how to read.
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  Speaker 1: When a child can't swim, we don't get them in
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  Speaker 1: trouble for not being able to swim. We teach them
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  Speaker 1: how to swim. And when a child can't why his shoelacers,
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  Speaker 1: we don't get angry at him and say, for goodness sakes,
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  Speaker 1: you're going to your room until you can tie your shoelaces.
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  Speaker 1: We sit down on the floor and we teach him.
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  Speaker 1: And when a child can't behave in ways that we
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  Speaker 1: approve of, we tend not to teach. Instead we punish.
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  Speaker 1: But what we need to do is teach with love.
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  Speaker 1: Discipline means teaching and guiding and instructing. I mentioned that before.
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  Speaker 1: We don't do that by hitting and punishing. We do
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  Speaker 1: it by talking and problem solving. Here's the fourth thing
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  Speaker 1: we can do. We can actually do the problem solving
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  Speaker 1: it and the way we do this is pretty simple.
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  Speaker 1: The best way to discipline effectively is to wait until
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  Speaker 1: children have calmed down and we've calmed down, and then
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  Speaker 1: invite them to problem solve around the issue. Just ask them,
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  Speaker 1: because of this problem, what do you think we should do?
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  Speaker 1: Get our kids' ideas on how they can stop being
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  Speaker 1: so angry or hurting their siblings or lying or stealing
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  Speaker 1: or whatever it is that they're doing. Get them to
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  Speaker 1: tell you. And the last thing that I want to
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  Speaker 1: mention is remember that they're just kids. Once sort of
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  Speaker 1: children get to four or five, they can start to
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  Speaker 1: understand a bit more about the world around them. But
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  Speaker 1: while they're little, they really really struggle with that. They
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  Speaker 1: can be capable of being incredibly awesome, but sometimes we
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  Speaker 1: become really intolerant of their mistakes and their challenging behaviors,
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  Speaker 1: and in becoming intolerant, we often say to them things
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  Speaker 1: like I'm not asking that much. I just want you
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  Speaker 1: to be perfect. I want you to stop doing this,
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  Speaker 1: because then you'll be perfect. Our children are not perfect,
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  Speaker 1: and neither are we. We need to help them to
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  Speaker 1: grow up with kindness and compassion and understanding and love. Now,
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  Speaker 1: making these changes is probably not going to make your
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  Speaker 1: children perfect. That just doesn't happen. But it can and
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  Speaker 1: it will improve their behavior, and it can and it
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  Speaker 1: will make your family happier now. Earlier, there was one
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  Speaker 1: mom who said that discipline for her was about teaching
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  Speaker 1: and guiding and leadership. She was the one mom who
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  Speaker 1: had a slightly different definition of discipline to everyone else.
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  Speaker 1: And it's more in line with what I'm sharing here now.
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  Speaker 1: What I asked to how that was working? Here is
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  Speaker 1: what she said in terms of your explanations and leadership
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  Speaker 1: and guidance and that strategy for discipline, how's that working
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  Speaker 1: for you?
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  Speaker 6: Seems to be working quite well because it gives the
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  Speaker 6: kids a chance to question why we do things, and
• 17:16
  Speaker 6: it gives us time to discuss I suppose why we
• 17:22
  Speaker 6: do certain things in the way that we do them.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: So with that in mind, what can you do? That's
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: my question for you right now? What one thing can
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: you do to approach discipline differently and focus on discipline
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: as teaching rather than discipline as punishment. I'd love to
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: hear your answer. Leave your response at happy families dot com,
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: dot slash podcast slash fourteen as in the number fourteen.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: Let me know what you think up next three minute
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: therapy and a mum who is determined to stop the
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: cycle of abuse in her family.
• 17:54
  Speaker 7: Are you endlessly nagging, shouting, pleading, threatening and demanding that
• 17:58
  Speaker 7: your children behave Do you live in a dictatorship where
• 18:02
  Speaker 7: the kids are in charge? Time Out is Not Your
• 18:04
  Speaker 7: Only Option is an ebook with discipline strategies and ideas
• 18:08
  Speaker 7: that work, and they work without you carrying a load
• 18:11
  Speaker 7: of parental guilt around all day. No more yelling, threatening,
• 18:15
  Speaker 7: bribing or timeouts. From day one, You'll notice the difference
• 18:18
  Speaker 7: in your children, and they'll notice the difference in you.
• 18:21
  Speaker 7: Time art is Not Your Only Option by doctor Justin Coulson,
• 18:24
  Speaker 7: Available as an ebook and an audiobook at Happyfamilies dot
• 18:28
  Speaker 7: com dot au.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast. I'm doctor Justin Coulson. This
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: is the issue for one mum who's been in touch.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: She says this, Hi doctor Justin. I'm a mother of five.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: My children are aged from nineteen through four, and I'm
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: struggling with the younger two who are from my second partner.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: I'm a single mom. I don't get much family help
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: and I've had to cope with a lot of mental abuse.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: My four year old is impatient. He doesn't like being
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: told no. He throws things, and he hits and kicks
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: if he doesn't get what he wants. He pulls my
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: hair and he laughs when I get angry. His father
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: has anger issues. He throws things and punches his head
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: when he's angry. He also swears and calls me names
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: and makes me cry afterwards. He shows no empathy. And
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: the kids have watched this unfortunately, I'm thinking that they
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: think if dad does this, to moment must be okay.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: So for to three minute therapy, here is my brief
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: three minute response. I do remind you that my answers
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: for three minute therapy are general, and it may be
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: worthwhile going and getting some specific and specialized help if
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: you're in a situation that requires it. There are at
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: least four contributors to what's going on here with this
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: little boy's challenging behavior that are immediately obvious. The first
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: is that his understanding of the situation is really limited.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: When life is unpredictable, or if he feels insecure or unsafe,
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: whether it's emotionally or physically, he's likely to lash out.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: He's afraid, he's sad, he's upset. The second thing is
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: that he's still quite young, so there are a number
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: of developmental milestones that still need to be reached. I
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: mentioned this earlier, but up until the age of five,
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: he's not really going to take the perception of other
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: people particularly well before about the age of eight, he's
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: going to struggle to regulate his emotion and his behavior.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: I mean, I have some adults struggle with that. There
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: are strategies for working through these developmental difficulties, but we'll
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: discuss them in just a sec The third reason that
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: he's probably behaving like this is it's a big challenge.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: Our children copy us much more than they listen to us.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: So this little boy has models of aggression who teach
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: him to behave with anger and violence when unhappy, then
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: that example is going to be far more strong, far
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: more salient to him than all of the teaching that
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: we might provide verbally. And he's getting it from dad
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: by the sounds of things, and he may also be
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: getting it from a mum who's on her own and
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: doesn't have any support and who's stressed out. And the
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: fourth and final thing that I mentioned now is that
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: when our kids throw these tantrums, when they have these fits,
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: when they behave in anti social ways where it's hitting
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: or kicking or punching or throwing things or whatever it is,
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: they're normally getting some kind of feedback that they at
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: least a little bit rewarding in some way. So how
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: do we deal with this damage. I think that he's
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: actually acting in perfectly understandable ways based on the challenging
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: circumstances that he's experiencing. But we want some solutions to
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: help him to act in better ways in spite of
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: the circumstances. Here's a couple of suggestions. The first thing,
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: and this is advice that I don't like to give,
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: but I'm going to mention this straight up. In the
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: last ten to twenty years, researchers have discovered that what
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: was previously poorly understood about fathers is now well understood.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: That kids need their dads. Kids who are raised in
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: a home where they experience regular and consistent and stable
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: caregiving of a father thrive, And even if dad doesn't
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: live at home, if he can have a positive presence
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: in their lives, it powerfully impacts their well being. However,
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: if dad is not safe, then his presence can have
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: a negative and even a devastating impact on children's outcomes.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: It's not appropriate for me in this podcast to prescribe
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: what you should do about your previous partner's presence in
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: your lives. But I will just say this, in abusive
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: or dangerous situations, there are sometimes where we need to
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: make difficult decisions. Okay, what else can we do? Discipline?
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: I've written about this extensively on my blog, I've talked
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: about it on the podcast, I've got articles all over
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: the internet about it, and I've also written about it
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: in a lot of detail in my new book, twenty
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: one Days to a Happier Family. So, because of time
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: limits with three minute therapy, I'm not going to say
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: much here. Instead, go and have a look at twenty
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: one Days to a Happier Family. You'll get everything you
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: need about discipline. But this four year old needs discipline
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: number two Preparing and pre arming for the future. Proactive
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: parents act before problems rather than reacting after problems. So
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: I would be saying, focus on teaching them as best
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: you can before there's an issue, so that when the
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: difficulty arises, he knows what your expectations are and he's
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: prepared to act in line with those good values. The
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: third thing that I'd mentioned is a just expectations. There's
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: no short term fix for these challenges. Expectations need to
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: be in line with our children's development, and he's just
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: not going to act as maturely as the bigger kids
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: when he's upset. He actually can't. So we need to
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: make sure our expectations are in line with our children's
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: development developmental capacity so that they can act in good ways.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: The most important every child needs secure stable relationships, So
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: be emotionally available for him, pay attention, really good quality attention,
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: and listen. Just be a safe space. It's stability and
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: safety and limits and love that are the central ingredients
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: for raising a resilient and strong and caring and responsible son.
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: And now this particular environment makes that challenging. But with focus,
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: we can work through those challenges and actually get some
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: really good outcomes. That's the best that I've got for
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: three minute therapy. There's obviously a lot more that we
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: could talk about with that situation, but I hope that's
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: helpful and hopefully it's applicable to a lot of parents
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: who are trying to just make their families safer and
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: happier places.
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: Parenting is the most important thing we will ever do,
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: so it's important that we get it right, but with
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: so much pressure, demands and advice, it's hard to know
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: what our children really need. Using the very best scientific
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: research and then turning it into an easy to read
• 24:19
  Speaker 3: book and CD, What your Child Needs from You helps
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: you connect with, understand, and teach your children in meaningful ways.
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: What your Child Needs from You by Doctor Justin Coulson
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: is the parenting book that offers the solutions to make
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: you a better parent and help your family to be happier.
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: Available in paperback or CD at happy families dot com
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: dot AU.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, that's it for the Happy Families podcast for this fortnight.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening. I hope that it
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: makes you family happier and that it helps you to
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: grow as a person man as a parent. If you've
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: enjoyed the podcast, you'll find the outline and the show
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: notes resource links happy families dot com dot a U
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: slash podcast slash fourteen as in the number one fourteen,
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: and there's some social media links to share it as well. Look,
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: I've got to ask you a favor. If you have
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: been listening to the podcast and enjoying it, it's my
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: mission to help families be happier right around the world
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: and to do that, I think that it would be
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: great if this could be the number one podcast for
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: families on iTunes. Would you please just pop onto iTunes
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: and rate the podcast for me. The more ratings the
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: podcast gets, the more people see it, and the more
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: people can subscribe and participate in the podcast. In fact,
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: if you haven't subscribed already, please subscribe. You can get
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: it straight to your phone as soon as it arrives
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: in iTunes every fortnight. Once again, I'm really grateful to
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: you listening, Thank you for participating in the podcast. Another
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: one in a fortnight for you. Until then, remember that
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: you don't have to be the best parent in the world.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: You just have to be the best parent in your
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: child's world.