Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 363. Big age gaps in relationships, How to know if you should stay AND do you return an engagement ring if you breakup before the wedding?

Transcript

363. Big age gaps in relationships, How to know if you should stay AND do you return an engagement ring if you breakup before the wedding? · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to the episode of today.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: So in today's episode, I'm going to be talking about
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: two separate topics. They are actually questions that you guys
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: wrote in, but the first one, in particular, I would
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: like to delve in a little bit more because it's
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: not the first time that I have been asked this question.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: So the first one is big age gaps in relationships.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: I've been asked that.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: From both ends, if you're dating someone that's way older,
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: if you're dating someone that's way younger. And I've often
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: been asked what my opinion is, and I don't really think.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: I mean, I understand why you're going for my opinion
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: because you listen to my podcast, but also don't really
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: think that my personal opinion matters. Instead, what I've got
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: is a bunch of questions to ask yourself so you
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: feel better equipped to make a decision if this is
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: the right decision for you or not to be in
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: this big age gap relationship. Okay, because there's many, many
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: things that we have to factor in, not just in
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: an age gap relationship, in every kind of relationship. But
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: I think there's additional things that you need to consider
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: when you're in one of these kinds of relationships. The
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: next thing that we're going to be talking about is
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: the idea of should you be returning an engagement ring?
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: What if you break up before the wedding? Okay, so
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: those are the things we're going to be talking about,
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: and also what if you break up after the wedding,
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: do you return the engagement ring? So we're going to
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: be talking about all the above, and I thought that
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: prior to that, I would just give you a little
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: bit of an update on my life on Thursday. So
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: I'm recording this on Monday. My intention, the intention was
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: to record this on.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: The weekend, but that absolutely did not happen.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: Because on Thursday I went to some of my best
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: friend's wedding, Luke and Aston. It was such a fun wedding.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: I know I say that all weddings are fun, but
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: this wedding was. We just had a ball, It flew it.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: It felt like I was there for just two hours,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: even though we were there for so much longer. Luke
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: is an amazing singer. He is also the guy that
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: introduced Tyrone and I. So it's thanks to Luke that
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: Tyrone and I met in the lobby of my building,
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: which is hilarious, and he is whenever, whenever the fuck
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: Tyrone and I do get married, Luke is going to
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: be our wedding singer. And so they got married, and
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: Luke at one point sung to Aston. It was just,
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: honestly all the speech. It was just such a good wedding.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: And then Lucy from Happy Hour with Lucy Nikki. She
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: was staying with Tyrone and I.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: We got back.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Of course Lucy cooked her you know her standard every
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: time we get back after we go out, no matter
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: what time it is, whether it's midnight, whether it's a
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: lot later, Lucy will cook a pasta with whatever she
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: can find in the house. So she cooked one of
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: her famous pastors. No idea what was in it, but
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: it was great. Then we went to bed. The next
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: day we work up pretty dusty, but I'm like, I
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: feel okay, we've got the recovery. We just went so
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: much bigger and harder on the recovery. I feel like
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: I didn't go to sleep until three o'clock in the morning.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: It was just such a fun time. So it was
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: such a good weekend or I mean Thursday, Friday. Everything
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: about it was amazing. I'm just a little bit dusty now,
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: but it was worth it, and I feel like I'm
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: going to join Lucy Jackson on her like monumental health
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: kick for the next five weeks until Nicki and Ollie's
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: wedding and just going to be in the zone and
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: feeling healthy and fabulous. Also, my skin is blowing up
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: with like itchiness and x amount. I think it's actually
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: because of the pollen, but also late nights and drinking
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: fucking Negronis is probably not helping. Anyway, let's get straight
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: into the topic of today. I thought that I would
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: first read you the listener question that I got, so
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: we can get like an insight into this particular bean's story.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: But the questions that I'm going to ask you applies
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: to this has been and it applies to anyone who
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: is in an age gap relationship. Okay, I think I
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: just ad long distance relationship before distance in age is
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: what I'm referring to.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: Hello, my beautiful beans.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Whether you're a long time listener to this podcast or
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: tuning in for the first time, I hope you'll check
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: out my new audio book, How to Chase Change Thirty
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: Days to Master your mindset. It's an actionable step by
• 4:51
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• 4:54
  Speaker 1: your mindset and create the change you want to see
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: in your life from physical and mental health, to your relationships, career,
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: self confidence, and beyond. How to Chase Change is available
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: now wherever audiobooks are sold. Start listening today. All right,
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: let's do this.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: Hi, Alexis. I've been listening to your pod for years
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: and it's been my fave by far. Thank you. You've
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: already changed my life so much, so thank you. I
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: have a big dilemma.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: I've been dating this guy I met at work for
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: about a year now, and we were colleagues for a
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: year before this.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: I don't work there anymore.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: It's been almost perfect and the most healthy relationship I've
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: experienced or even thought might be possible.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: I feel a.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Sense of security, trust, respect, and strong connection with him.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: We love all those things.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: This is completely different to my previous and first relationship,
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: where I felt controlled and suffocated. We have great communication,
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: he's very emotionally aware, and I feel and I finally
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: feel a sense of independence while also being with someone.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: Tick tick t t tik.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: We love the problem is that we have a huge
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: age gup between us. I'm twenty two, almost twenty three,
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: and he is four forty one, so eighteen point five
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: years difference. It's crazy, I know, and I would have
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: never considered it until I got to know him. The
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: fact that he's so much older weighs on my mind
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: a lot, and I feel embarrassed to call it a
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: real relationship or introduce him to my friends or family
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: because I fear being judged. I also never imagined my
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: long term partner to be that much older than me.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Another problem is that I'm not sure I want to
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: commit to this, as I feel like I'm still so
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: young and I want to do things like solo travel
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: and move to Australia from the UK for about a
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: year or so.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: He says that the.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: Age gap doesn't bother him, but he doesn't want to
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: put any pressure on me, so we've been taking it
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: really slow. However, even though I'm scared of committing, I
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: still seem to seek reassurance from him that he is
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: serious about me, since we haven't met each other's family
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: or friends, which might be a projection of my own
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: commitment fears and avoidant attachment style. He always responds by
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: saying he is serious about me and sees me in
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: his future, but he also understands my concern. I don't
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: know whether to end this relationship now before we both
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: get even more emotionally invested, because realistically he is too
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: old for me, and because there might be more out there.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: But I only have one previous toxic relationship to compare to,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: therefore this one seems so perfect.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: Or do I accept the fact.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: That my boyfriend is almost double my age, get over
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: the fear of being judged and fully commit to the relationship.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: I'm enjoying spending time with him.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: And I'm worried that I'll regret it if I end
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: it without giving it a proper goal. But I also
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: don't want to make it harder for my future self
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: if it isn't right, because I'm already really attached. What
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: is your opinion on age gup relationships when it seems
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: really healthy? How do I know whether I should stay
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: and give it a go or run for the hills?
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: And do I have commitment issues from my past controlling
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: relationships or is this a sign that the person just
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: isn't right for me? Thanks so much from a Thanks
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: so much, lots of love from a confused UK bean. Okay,
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: So that is a very very great question because we're
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: talking about a really healthy relationship here, we're talking about
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: a lot of respect you've experienced. What a toxic relationship?
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: This isn't that? And I also do acknowledge that every
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: time you wrote relationship in this you're putting it in
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: kind of inverted commas because you're saying, you know, we
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: haven't really announced it to our family and our friends.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: And we're taking it really slow.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: So you're kind of tentatively calling it a relationship, and
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: you're saying, do I dive in and make it fully
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: full on. One thing that I am going to say
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: before I ask you all these questions is that there
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: is a big difference between a relationship where it's just
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: the two of you in this bubble. It makes it
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: a lot more there's a lot more excitement. It's something
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: that the two if you hold that's untouched, versus a
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: relationship that's out in the open where you have fully
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: integrated them into your life as far as your friends,
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: your family, your colleagues, and you integrated into their life
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: as well. I think you can only truly know how
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: good a relationship or how bad a relationship is when
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: you have fully integrated them into your life and it's
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: not this exclusive little bubble that you both have to
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: that's kind of untouched by anything or anyone else yet. Okay,
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: I think that's kind of a false idea of what
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: your relationship is because obviously, ultimately a relationship has to
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: work across many facets of your life, not just this
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: one bubble that you're in.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: So I do acknowledge it's going to be really difficult
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: for you to.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Know, like, is it actually that as good as I
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: think it is because you're living in this protected bubble.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: Right now with him.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Now, I'm going to give you a bunch of questions
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: to either ask yourself or thoughts to consider to help
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: you make your decision. Then I'm going to give you
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: my personal opinion on big age gaps in relationships. The
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: first thing that I want you to remind yourself off
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: for consider whatever is love is not enough.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: Okay, love is not enough.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: It's lovely to love someone, it's beautiful to love someone,
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: But as far as can we be a long term
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: compatible relationship where we serve each other and when we
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: are health fed towards each other, and where the relationship
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: is healthy love is not enough.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: You also have to.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Get clear on what real compatibility is okay, because if
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: you're thinking, if you're someone that thinks that love is enough,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: then you're likely going to be rejecting or not considering
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: things that might not be serving you for the long term.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: And you're also likely to take the less painful route
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: in the moment, which is staying with the person that
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: you love and not facing the difficulty of leaving somebody,
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: which is really painful now but probably beneficial for your future.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: So you have to be asking yourself, what, like, how
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: compatible across all areas are we? And it's okay to
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: not be compatible in some areas but really compatible in others.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Not every perfect relationship has to have crazy compatibility.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: On every single level.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: There's going to be, you know, great compatibility, not so much,
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: but you've got to be able to look realistically, putting
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: love aside, how compatible are we so we both feel
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: fulfilled in our lives and within the relationship because a
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: romantic relationship is only one aspect of your life, one
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: of many, and the happiest people are the ones that
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: feed into all these areas of their life and not
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: just give everything to one section, and I'm sure you
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: know that because you've listened to my podcast.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: For a while.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: The next thing that you want to ask yourself is
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: what are your non negotiables for your future? And the
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: obvious one that I'm going to say number one is
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: have you discussed children?
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: Do you want children? Does he want children?
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: And then to anyone else that's listening, does your partner
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: want children? And you is something you've actually discussed? And
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: then realistically, let's talk about kids. For example, you're twenty two,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: you're nearly twenty three, you want kids, but you don't
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: want kids.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: Until you're thirty years old.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Hypothetically, I don't want kids until I'm thirty. So here's
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: then going to be in his fifties, okay, or nearly
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: in his fifties.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: Does he want to be a father in his fifties?
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: Does he already have kids? I don't know.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: Sometimes when there's these big age gaps in a relationship,
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: the older one has kids and they're like, I'm kind
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: of done having kids, but they'll kind of string you
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: along and say, yeah, of course I've considered kids whatever,
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: But then later on they're like, I'm tired, I don't
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: really want kids, So is this number one.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: Get very clear.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: What are your non negotiables for the future, things like children,
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: things like lifestyle, things like where you want to live. Okay,
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: what does the dynamic let's say you do want kids,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: what does the dynamic of having children look like as
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: far as the share of responsibilities? Because again, when you're
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: looking at big age gaps, maybe you approach societal pressures
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: extremely different, especially when there's like a nearly nineteen.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: Year age gap.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: And it's not to say that that's definitely how they are,
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: but someone might have more quote unquote traditional approach versus
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: someone else. And this is also a question you can
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: ask with anyone that's not just an age gap situation.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: But I think it's even more so important with an
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: age gap thing because it's really easy to ignore all
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: of that and just focus.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: On the moment. And I'm all for being in the moment.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: But not if it's going to be detrimental for your future,
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: not if you're going to be wasting your own time
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: for your future. Okay, So get very clear, because if
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: these non negotiables do not align, then your answer is
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: already there.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: And for example, so I'll give you an example. I
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: dated someone where there was.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: A big age gap.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: I will preface this by saying he was also extremely
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: extremely it was very unhealthy relationship.
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: It was emotionally abusive, but but there was a huge
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: age gap.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: He already had kids, and I'm talking like it was
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: sixteen year age gap. And I already remember in my
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: head making all these kind of looking at my future
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: and already thinking how different my future was going to
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: look like because I wanted to stay with him and
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: I loved him so much, and I was thinking, Okay, well,
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to be able to do this. I
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: probably won't end up doing this. I won't do this,
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: So I started looking at my future differently. But now,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: in hindsight, a lot of those things that I was
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: almost prepared to not have were actually non negotiables, things like,
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: you know, the crazy level of independence that I have,
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: or things like you know, time overseas or being able
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: to travel alone, or all these things that I never
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: would have been able to have in that relationship, or
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: I would have felt like I had the responsibility, like
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: all these other responsibilities in that relationship that I wouldn't
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: have in a different kind of relationship. Okay, so just
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: get clear on that. Okay, Now, this one's specific to
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: the listener who wrote in if you think someone is
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: too old for you, what does too old for you mean?
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: Because you wrote, realistically, he is too old for me?
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: Why do you think that too old?
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: In what sense?
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: Is it that he's going to die sooner? Is it
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: that we're not going to be able to have kids together?
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Is it that by the time I'm ready for kids,
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: he's going to be too exhausted to be a dad? Like,
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: why is he too old for you? And it's not
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: about what the outside world thinks, It's not about the
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: opinions of others. What is making you instinctively write that
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: to me? Because if you're in a situation where you're
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: thinking this person is too old for me, or if
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: you're listening and you're someone out there who's thinking this
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: person is too young for me, are you looking at
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: that from a maturity standpoint, from an emotional maturity standpoint?
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: Are you looking at it from because sometimes people can
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: be really really like aligned from an emotional maturity standpoint
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: that you don't really notice the gap in your like
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: that age gap. But sometimes it's like, yeah, we might
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: have a lot of fun, but then when it comes
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: to discussing important things or life things or whatever, we
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: just cannot say eye to eye because there's this huge
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: gap in this particular kind of maturity.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: So when you.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: Say, realistically, he's too old for me, what do you mean?
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: And just like obviously you don't have to tell anyone
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: that it's got to with how you feel.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: What is your biggest fee when you say he's too
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: old for me?
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: Now, the next question is how do your life desires
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: align in the sense that do you see yourself resenting
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: this person or resenting the relationship, or resenting yourself for staying.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: In the relationship later on in life?
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like you're going to make compromises or
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: sacrifices that you're not going to be able to get over.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: And if the answer is yes, then I think.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: That that's a big red flag.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: If you're thinking, oh, there's these massive compromises I'm going
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: to make that I'm never going to be able to
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: see through these big goals or big.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Dreams that I have, then what is that saying?
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: It says a lot about your compatibility that you know
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: you're going to have to give up a lot in
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: order to be with this person. And I think it's
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with giving up things to be with
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: somebody that you love. But if it's things that are
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: important to your relationship with yourself, if it's things that
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: like are your deepest desires and deepest dreams, and that
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: is likely going to equal resentment later down the line,
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: especially if you're already fearing that thing now. Okay, so
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: ask yourself in this age gap, the age gap causing
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: me to feel held back in life?
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: Or is it not at all? And this relationship is
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: just enriching my life in general?
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: Okay, And that's only you can answer that, because every
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: single scenario is going to be unique to the individual.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: Then the next thing that I want to ask you is,
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: once I step out of the bubble that is just
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: the two of us, because you could say, like you did,
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: you said, this person is so like emotionally mature, they're respectful,
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: they you know, there's trust, there's everything. Like from how
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: you described this partner, it sounds like it's just like
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: green flag, green flag, green flag. He sounds from the
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: little you've told us, he sounds great. Okay, great partner
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: anyone would want in a partner. But when you step
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: out of the this person is my partner, and I'm
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: in the bubble. How does this person actually fit in
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: with your life as far as other relationships, with your personality,
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: with your lifestyle, how do they fit in with your family?
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: How do they fit in with your friends?
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: Obviously you don't know the answer to that, but you
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: could make a very calculated guess as to how they
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: would fit in. Put the judgment aside, because I would
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't worry about the judgment because people get over
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: that shit after they get to know the person, So.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: Don't worry too much about the judgment.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: But as far as are they compatible with every other
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: area of my life outside of the fact that they're
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: a good person and I'm in love with them, you know,
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: would they fit in with my lifestyle?
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: Would we be able to live together?
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: And you know, you don't have to have the exact
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: same hobbies, you don't have to, but like.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: Would it work living together with the lifestyles that we have?
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: Like, is one person really outgoing and social and out
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: of the time and the other was a total homebody?
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: And that might work, But would it be compatible?
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: How would they actually get along with my friends and
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: family or the people that are closest to me, how
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: would I fit into their life?
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: Because I think that once you snap out of that
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: bubble and you see the reality, I think it's a
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: bit of an eye opener. Sometimes it can make you
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: fall even more in love with that person because you're like,
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: oh my god, the way they put in the effort
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: with you know, all these other is of my life
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: and the way that I want to do the same
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: for them, it's made me love them even more. Or
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: sometimes the veil drops and you're like, wow, it's not so.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: Shiny and exciting anymore.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: They're still a great person, but I just don't see
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: it anymore, Like that excitement's kind of gone.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: It's I'm a bit off it, you know.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: And a really big example of this is often when
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: people have when they meet someone overseas and they fall
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: in love with them overseas and they see them in
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: their element, they see them in their best light and
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: amongst their friends and so whatever. But then when they
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: move to their country and when they visit their country,
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: they're like, oh, actually, but you don't fit into my life.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: I feel like for many reasons, and it's not saying
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: that there's anything wrong with that person, but sometimes you
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: see them in a different environment and you're.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: Like, I'm not as in love anymore, you know. So
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: you've got to ask yourself, let's snap this bubble.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: Would it actually work integrating with each other's lives and.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: Vice of verus and not just with them and yours
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: with yours in them? Okay?
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: And the last thing that I'm going to ask you is,
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: despite being happy and satisfied with the relationship, does this
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: translate to happiness outside the relationship as well? Or does
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: the relationship negatively impact the rest of your life?
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: So in other words, you know, do you feel that
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: you know, okay, you're not going to go to Australia
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: for a year. Maybe you could, I don't know what
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: this relationship would look like. Or would you not go
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: to Australia for a year? Would you not do all
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: these things that you want to do, travel solo, all
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: of that? Is it one or the other? Or could
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: you have both? Because if it is one or the other,
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: then you're already seeing the negative impact that it could have.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: And sometimes you can look at all the negative impact
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: to me, like I've weighed up all of the negative
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: impact and I can actually deal with that. I can
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: put up with it. I'd rather be with them than great.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: There's an answer, there's nothing wrong with that, But I
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: think it's important to be very very clear on what
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: that looks like and always bring it back to love
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: in and of itself is not enough.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: Okay, it's beautiful, it's crucial, but it's not enough. You
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: have to find compatibility also ticked all you know, his
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: ticks a lot of boxes. That's all well and good.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: If it's a toxic relationship on top of that, then
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: it's got nothing to do with the age gap. It's
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: got to with how you treat each other. But these
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: are the key things that you should be asking yourself.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: Going by my opinion on what is my opinion of
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: age gaps in relationships and big age gaps, I honestly
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: believe that it is.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: Case dependent, case by case dependent.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: I know some people that have been in age gap
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: relationships were based on their mindset and their outlook on
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: life and their emotional maturity and their compatibility. You don't
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: even notice it, like you don't even blink. You forget
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: that there's an age gap constantly, and then I've seen
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: other age gup relationships where it's almost this weird like
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: mentory role and the younger person and I'm like withes
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: with vibes, like I personally would only date and irrelevant
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: of age.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: I would only date someone who.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: I saw as my equal at all times, as far
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: as you know, emotional maturity, as far as what we
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: bring to the table, as far as all of that.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: I feel like, if you feel like there's too much
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: of a skew and one person's.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: Providing everything and bringing everything in.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: The mature one and this and that, and the other
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: person's just young and learning and it feels like they're
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: more of like a mental role instead of your romantic partner,
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: I personally would be like, he's my personal opinion, I
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: I'd be.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: Off it, okay.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: So I think it's it comes down to the individual,
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: and if you feel that they are your you know,
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: compatible match, then I don't think there's anything wrong with it,
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: as long as you've answered all the questions that I
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: have asked you and you're genuinely like yet, no, I've
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: thought about all these things and I still really want
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: to give this person a go, then do it. If
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: you're still having crazy, crazy, crazy doubts, then maybe that's
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: telling you that you're giving up way too much to
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: be relationship when you've not even yet integrated them into
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: your life. All right, So hopefully anyone out there who's
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: in a romantic relationship with a wild age AAP, hopefully
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: that's helped you kind of ask you some questions to
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: help you get clearer on a decision, to help you
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: be like, yeah, no, fuck it, they're the one who cares,
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: or be like, I've been putting this off for too
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: long because I've enjoyed the bubble, but.
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: It's actually not fitting into my life.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: Okay, Now we have another question, and this is about
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: engagement rings. And I think this is such a great,
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: great question to ask, and I have been asked this
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: once or twice by other people as well.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: But let's do it, Hi, like says, I love your podcast.
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: Just a question.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: I got engaged to my partner about six months ago
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: due to a relationship breakdown because of her extreme conditions.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: She put on the relationship she ended, and she ended
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: it and broke the engagement. It wasn't a cheap ring
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: by any means. I have asked for the ring as
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: she has said yes to my proposal, and now has
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: broken the agreement.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: What are your thoughts.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: I'm devastated and I know she's wealthy, so why should
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: I be out of pocket? Should I take legal options?
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: Thank you? Okay?
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: Firstly, you have to look at an engagement ring as
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: a conditional gift.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: It's technically a contract.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: You're saying, here's an engagement ring on the condition that
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: we get married.
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: It's a conditional gift. Okay.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: So in short, but I'll talk more about it in
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: a second, but in short, absolutely you should return the
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: engagement ring if the engagement has been broken off before
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: the wedding. Now, if the engagement was broken off after
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: the wedding, I think that's a discussion you have with
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: your partner based on the timeline, based on many many things,
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: But that's not what we're not talking about. That we're
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: talking about if the engagement is broken off before the wedding,
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: one hundred percent, without a question, in my mind, that
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: ring should be returned to the person who proposed, Okay,
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: the person who purchased.
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: The ring with intention to marry Okay.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: And I also think that so even when you look
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: at like legal recourse, you can actually look it up.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: I know, within Australia, and I think also I found
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: this on US sites as well. But legally, also you
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: have a leg to stand on because this is a
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: conditional gift. You bought it on the condition that they
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: would marry you. Here's a gift for us to get married.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: If you break off the gift, why do you have
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: an engagement?
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: You're not engaged? Okay.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: Also, if she's the one that broke it off and
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: you gave it the ring, that one hundred percent she
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: has to give it to you. If you were the
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: one to break it off, then I mean still legally
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: you have recourse and you could still get the ring
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: back because the contract wasn't fulfilled neither of you ended
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: up getting married. But I know that there are a
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: lot of situations where maybe someone might feel bad and
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: someone might think like, maybe you keep that ring because
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: of you know whatever, But still it is still you know,
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: you didn't follow through with the wedding. I personally would
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: hate to keep an engagement, regardless of who ended the engagement,
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: if my fiance, if Tyrone ended the engagement, even if
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: I mean, it's just such an angel, but even if
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: it did something awful and whatever, and the engagement ended,
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: I would the first thing I'd be doing is handing
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: that ring back because it is we're not getting married,
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: you know. So I think that if she's not willing
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: to return the ring just because it's the right thing
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: to do, then I don't think there's anything wrong with
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: you taking legal options. If you invested a lot of
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: money into this thing and she's now decided that she's
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: not going to marry you, she needs to return that ring.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: It's conditional. The agreement has been broken.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: You've got to look at it as cold as it is,
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: You've got to look at it as a contract.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: So Yeah, I just feel like I think it's really
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: really important that, yeah, you speak to her about it,
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: maybe once explaining that really come they really politely, just
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: say I just want you to realize that when I
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: proposed to you, this was.
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: A conditional gift.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: Okay, now the engagement's been broken by you.
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: I mean, maybe maybe don't say that aggressively.
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: But you have ended it fucking fair enough, you do you,
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: But that is now my property.
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: Okay, that's how you know, And yes, you can take
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: legal recourse if you like. I've been doing a little
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: bit of research. I don't know where you're based though,
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: I'm talking about Australia US. But yes, so that is
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: my opinion on engagement rings and returning.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: And yet, like I said, if if the wedding's already
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: happened and you're married, depending how long you be married, whatever,
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: that's just a discussion between the couple because technically the
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: contract has been I sound so like cold when I
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: talk about it as a contract, but it is a contract.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: Technically you've fulfilled the contract. So then I think after that,
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure from a legal.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: Standpoint, but I feel from a moral standpoint, that's a
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: discussion that's to be had. I don't know. I don't know.
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: I feel like, do you want to keep it? I
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: don't know anyway.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So those are the two questions that I thought
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: i'd answering today's episode.
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: They're great questions. Loved it.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: I was able to dig deeper into it and into
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: these like moral dilemmas and things like that. Now, to
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: finish up the episode, as I have the last two weeks,
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: I want to give you a little snippet of Module
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: three of my audio book, which, by the way, I'm
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: loving people writing to me saying what day they're on
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: how it's going. I've had people send me charts of
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: how they've broken down certain things and filled it out.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: It's really really cool. So it's I'm loving it. But
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: the module three in my book is all about relationships,
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: and I cover all kinds of relationships. Of course, your
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: relationship with yourself and then your relationship with other people
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: and every I think there's like maybe like five or
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: six chapters within this module, and we go through all
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: these exercises that you can do. But I'm going to
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: be sharing a snippet from module three point one, and
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: that chapter is called your Relationship with Yourself Determines the
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: quality of every other relationship. It's the first chapter to
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: that module. And I think before you talk about any relationship,
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: and you guys know this from my podcast, but so
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to reiterate it. But before you enter
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: any relationship with before you try to work on or
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: improve or do anything with any other relationship, I think
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: it is so important that you focus on your relationship
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: with yourself number one, because that determines, like that's the benchmark,
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: that's the minimum standard. So following is a little snippet
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: from module three point one. I hope you guys enjoy
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: and I'll just sign off with Remember to be kind
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't text shit
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't text shit from yourself.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: Don't.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: The way that you treat yourself will be the benchmark
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: of what you accept from other significant relationships in your life.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: There may be some people who come into life and
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: treat you even better than you treat yourself bonus, but
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: there is always a risk that others will treat you
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: as low as the bar that you have set. And
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: if that bar is too low, or there is no bar,
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: then you are at the mercy of some one else's standards,
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: and that is simply not good enough if you want
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: to have high quality, fair relationships. So let's talk about
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: how we can stay in control. Your relationship with yourself
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: is the foundation to all other relationships. It's the base
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: they're built on. Only when you have that solid base
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: where you can lean on and rely on yourself, do
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: those other connections remain solid. If you lose yourself to relationships,
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: to poor mental health, or to work, then every part
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: of your life will suffer. However, if you work on
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: yourself consistently and hold yourself as your number one priority.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: Then everything won't be affected when one area of your
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: life is challenging because you have not lost yourself. So
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: look at your relationship with yourself as your insurance policy,
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: the one non negotiable.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: It's easy to put work.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: Commitments, and other people in front of you as priorities. However,
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: when you understand how you need to show up in
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: every area of your life, you will realize that nothing
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: can and nothing does come before this. Now where do
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: we begin putting this concept into action? Putting yourself first
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: can manifest in many different ways. So if you're not
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: one to run a bath, light some candles, and have
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: alone time, keep listening because there are even stronger ways
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: of showing yourself love and respect. Some examples include one
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: keeping a promise to yourself. Two creating boundaries, something will
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: discuss in depth in the next chapter. Three sticking to
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: a habit in order to achieve a goal. Four dedicating
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: time to a self focused task. Five saying no or
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: not allowing someone to treat you poorly. Every time you
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: show up for yourself, defend yourself, or keep a promise,
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: you are saying I matter to me and I deserve
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: this level of respect and treatment