Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1057 - Getting the Guideposts Right

Transcript

#1057 - Getting the Guideposts Right · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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  Speaker 2: once answers me ow okay.
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  Speaker 1: It's a moment of truth. Every Friday, it feels almost
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  Speaker 1: like we're about to go through some sort of examination, Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: The anxiety starts to go up. Hod we do things,
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  Speaker 1: things coming okay or not. It's I'll be better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 1: I'll be better tomorrow for those of you who knew
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  Speaker 1: to the pod, is where we reflect on the week
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  Speaker 1: that was and try to be more intentional learning to
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  Speaker 1: be better parents based on what we got right or
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  Speaker 1: what we got wrong the week prior. Kylie, you're going
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  Speaker 1: to kick us off today, where do you want to
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  Speaker 1: take this?
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  Speaker 2: Well, in case we left anyone feeling like one family
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  Speaker 2: meeting and our chaotic, dysfunctional family was back on track,
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  Speaker 2: I really just wanted to paint a fuller picture.
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  Speaker 1: Right, So you're going to make us look bad, is
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  Speaker 1: what you're saying.
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  Speaker 2: It was a week one we actually did really well.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, for context, if you missed it, last week we
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  Speaker 1: sat down and had like almost a full day family meeting.
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  Speaker 1: What's going right, what's not going so well? What do
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  Speaker 1: we need to work on? We talked about everything, put
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  Speaker 1: together so many plans for how we could make the
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  Speaker 1: week go well.
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  Speaker 2: We asked the kids to give us a rating of
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  Speaker 2: what they would suggest was our rate of function.
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  Speaker 1: You had to bring that one up, didn't you. Zero
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  Speaker 1: point five? Zero point five is what one of them said.
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  Speaker 2: And in all honesty, life was just terrible. Put it
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  Speaker 2: really was. You're traveling so much at the moment, a
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  Speaker 2: lot of it is falling on me, and I don't
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  Speaker 2: know if it's just a little bit of I don't
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  Speaker 2: want to use the term lightly, but there is just
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  Speaker 2: a bit of post trauma from having years and years
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  Speaker 2: of having to do this on my own. In reality,
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  Speaker 2: our family smaller now than it was when you first
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  Speaker 2: started traveling. It should be easier, right, But I feel
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  Speaker 2: like dealing with teenage years on my own just feels
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  Speaker 2: all encompassing sometimes. So I just wanted to kind of
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  Speaker 2: give a little bit of a rundown the highs and.
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  Speaker 1: The lows, Okay, And we should also add that I
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  Speaker 1: was mostly traveling for the week. Lead traveling, I put
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  Speaker 1: all of these great plans in place for what you
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  Speaker 1: were going to do while I was gone.
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  Speaker 2: As I've been mulling over what I might share, and
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  Speaker 2: I think the thing for me that stands out the
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  Speaker 2: most these family meetings. They don't make things.
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  Speaker 1: Perfect, and they're not one and done.
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  Speaker 2: That's exactly right, But what they do provide is guideposts.
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  Speaker 2: We actually know where we want to go as a family.
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  Speaker 2: So before when we weren't doing our family meetings regularly,
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  Speaker 2: we know what we want, but there wasn't any guideposts
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  Speaker 2: in place that kept us accountable. And so now having
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  Speaker 2: had our family meeting again, we've put all guidepost in place.
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  Speaker 2: We've said this is what we want and this is
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  Speaker 2: how we want to feel in our family. And so
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  Speaker 2: at the end of the week, we've sat down and gone,
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  Speaker 2: how did we go? Where did we fall short? And
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  Speaker 2: what do we need to work on to get back
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  Speaker 2: to that vision of what it looks like to have
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  Speaker 2: a happy family.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like, let's articulate it, let's all say it,
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  Speaker 1: let's get on board with it and see if we
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  Speaker 1: can move in that direction.
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  Speaker 2: So when we sat down with the kids at the
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  Speaker 2: end of the week and kind of said how have
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  Speaker 2: we gone? There was a definite acknowledgment that, in spite
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  Speaker 2: of the fact that we'd had some pretty serious conversations
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  Speaker 2: around screens that screen usage is still high. One of
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  Speaker 2: our teenage daughters in particular, who is really really struggling
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  Speaker 2: with it, sat down with us and probably had the
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  Speaker 2: most adult like conversation we've had with her in relation
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  Speaker 2: to this, because she knows where we want to go.
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  Speaker 1: And she wants to be there as well, because she's
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  Speaker 1: seeing it. It takes a lot of work to get there,
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  Speaker 1: but she's seeing it, and.
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  Speaker 2: So I was so proud of her. I was really
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  Speaker 2: proud of her that she was able to sit there
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  Speaker 2: in that hard place and be able to recognize and
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  Speaker 2: see it, acknowledge it, and then work with us to
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  Speaker 2: find a solution that felt good for her and for us.
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  Speaker 2: That was awesome. We've done walks five times out of seven.
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  Speaker 2: The plan was to do five. We didn't do it
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  Speaker 2: five consecutive days. We did use Saturday as our fit day.
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  Speaker 1: I don't think you need to beat yourself up about that.
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  Speaker 1: That's not cheating, that's okay.
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  Speaker 2: But I am so proud of them for getting up,
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  Speaker 2: especially because we're doing it so early at the moment,
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  Speaker 2: and for keeping me in line, like they're keeping me accountable.
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  Speaker 2: This is something that I want to do as much
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  Speaker 2: as they do.
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  Speaker 1: How many times did you buy dinner? Because the meal
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  Speaker 1: list was a big thing.
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  Speaker 2: So we might have eaten take out three times this
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  Speaker 2: week of course.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so there's work to do.
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  Speaker 2: Dinner was abysmal, but we had super Saturday. We spent
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  Speaker 2: more time with our family.
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  Speaker 1: That's my I'm yeah, okay, all right, okay.
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  Speaker 2: But we spent more time with the family because again
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  Speaker 2: the guide posts there. We finished dinner because we had takeout,
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  Speaker 2: it didn't take too long. There wasn't too many dishes
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  Speaker 2: to wash, so all in wasn't particularly difficult, and that
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  Speaker 2: gave us extra time to play games at the end
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  Speaker 2: of the night. And you weren't there, so there was
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  Speaker 2: no grumpy bums. So what I really wanted to just
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  Speaker 2: articulate today is a family meeting doesn't fix everything all
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  Speaker 2: at once. It is a continuous and constant struggle and
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  Speaker 2: striving to get the balance right. But because our guideplose
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  Speaker 2: are now visible, everybody is on the same page. We
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  Speaker 2: all know what we're trying to work towards. It's so
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  Speaker 2: easy then to be held accountable and then reassess and
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  Speaker 2: just do the little shifts that need to take place
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  Speaker 2: to get back to where we wanted to be in
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  Speaker 2: the first place.
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  Speaker 1: Small refinements. Yeah. I also want to add this, Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: When we sat down to have that big family meeting,
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  Speaker 1: you actually didn't want to, And I think it's because
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  Speaker 1: it felt like we had a mountain to move. You
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  Speaker 1: were like, I know we talk about family meetings. I
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  Speaker 1: know we're supposed to be doing them. I don't want
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  Speaker 1: to do this and I just don't know if we
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  Speaker 1: can get there. And yet having that family meeting it
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  Speaker 1: makes it doable, right bite sized chunks. You have a
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  Speaker 1: sense of what's got to be done, and then you
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  Speaker 1: just start and it makes a really big difference.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I think before it just felt like everything was
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  Speaker 2: weighing on me.
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  Speaker 1: And everything was wrong.
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  Speaker 2: If I didn't get it right, then nobody else was
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  Speaker 2: there to pick up the pieces. But because we've invited
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  Speaker 2: the children to be a part of the process, we're
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  Speaker 2: all keeping each other accountable. It's not just me constantly
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  Speaker 2: nagging at everybody. Everybody knows where we're going. Well, come on,
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  Speaker 2: tell us, you've got a big grin on your face.
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  Speaker 2: What is your all do better tomorrow?
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  Speaker 1: A few years ago, our eldest daughter bought us a book.
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  Speaker 1: It was a book where you scratch off an activity
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  Speaker 1: and then you've got to go and do the activity.
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  Speaker 1: This is supposed to be all about family unity and
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  Speaker 1: family time. We've had it on the shelf for years.
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  Speaker 1: I think we've done two active in three years or
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  Speaker 1: something like that. It was just not something that we
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  Speaker 1: I don't know, the activities are hard, the activities require effort.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I don't even think that they're hard.
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  Speaker 1: They're just they're not what we normally do.
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  Speaker 2: It would never normally do them. And they're not even
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  Speaker 2: anything that when you open them up, even though you
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  Speaker 2: don't you wouldn't normally do them. We're not necessarily exciting.
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  Speaker 1: You don't look at and go, oh, that's going to
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  Speaker 1: be such a great activity. You've scratched it off and
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  Speaker 1: go h. And So as part of our family meeting,
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  Speaker 1: we decided that we were going to reinvigorate our super Saturdays.
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  Speaker 1: For those who are not familiar with the idea of
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  Speaker 1: super Saturday, it's two to three hours on a Saturday
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  Speaker 1: morning where we do a no cost or low cost
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  Speaker 1: family activity just so that we can have that high
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  Speaker 1: quality family time together. Of course, it doesn't have to
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  Speaker 1: be a super Saturday. You might do a terrific Tuesday
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  Speaker 1: or a fantastic Friday, Like who cares when you do it.
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  Speaker 1: It's about family time and not spending money, just spending
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  Speaker 1: time really engaging with one another.
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  Speaker 2: And since bored games to play board games.
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  Speaker 1: That's right. So we scratched off this one for last weekend.
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  Speaker 1: And it was like, take two items from your fridge
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  Speaker 1: or pantry and go and go into nature.
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  Speaker 2: Go to your favorite space in nature, and find other
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  Speaker 2: elements within nature that you might use.
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  Speaker 1: Right and then create to create an artistic piece. And
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  Speaker 1: so we decided to go to Mount Coolam, which is
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  Speaker 1: a wonder It's a really, really, really hard hike, but
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  Speaker 1: we decided to go to the top of Mount Coolam
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  Speaker 1: and we were going to do some drawing up there.
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  Speaker 1: I took some paprika and some honey. I don't know
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  Speaker 1: what I thought would work well there on my art,
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  Speaker 1: but I was kind of thinking, maybe I can glue
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  Speaker 1: and I can use the honey for glue. I should
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  Speaker 1: have just got the glue out of the pantry, not
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  Speaker 1: that we keep it there, but I could have put
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  Speaker 1: it there and taken it from there so that it
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  Speaker 1: felt like I was not cheating. But we got to
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  Speaker 1: Mount Coolam early Saturday morning. We hike to the top
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  Speaker 1: of Mount Coolam. One of our teenagers was in a
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  Speaker 1: just a horrible mood. And I hate to say this,
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  Speaker 1: but I lost it at it for about twenty seconds.
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  Speaker 1: There was some significant discomfort because she was an unwilling
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  Speaker 1: participant and there was so much attitude. And I had
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  Speaker 1: it wrong, right. I mean, the fact is she was
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  Speaker 1: there and that should be enough. But I got really
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  Speaker 1: cranky at it because she was being a teenage girl
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  Speaker 1: with attitude. But other than that, other than that one
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  Speaker 1: little blemish, the morning was beautiful. We got to the
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  Speaker 1: top of the hill. We did art. I used Paprika
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  Speaker 1: to color my painting with my artwork with like red
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  Speaker 1: soil and everything, and put the honey there so that
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  Speaker 1: I could stick some leaves onto the paper. That didn't
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  Speaker 1: work quite as well as I'd thought. But we just
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  Speaker 1: sat and for about an hour we sat at the
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  Speaker 1: top of this hill looking at this gorgeous scenery, and
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  Speaker 1: we all drew. The ten year old, the fourteen year old,
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  Speaker 1: the seventeen year old, and you and I we drew pictures.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm not artistic at all, so.
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  Speaker 2: I have to give you a huge curdos for this,
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  Speaker 2: because this is not a space that you enjoy not
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  Speaker 2: at all, and comparative to games which you don't enjoying,
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  Speaker 2: you're really grumpy at you actually got completely engaged and
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  Speaker 2: I was so impressed.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't want it to end.
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  Speaker 2: You didn't want it to end, and the work that
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  Speaker 2: you produced.
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  Speaker 1: Was amazing for somebody who doesn't draw.
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  Speaker 2: That's my point. It was just I said to the
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  Speaker 2: kids from the beginning, it wasn't about the outcome. We
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  Speaker 2: weren't going to keep these they weren't going to be
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  Speaker 2: put up on the wall or anything like that. It
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  Speaker 2: was just an opportunity to sit in nature, enjoy all
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  Speaker 2: that that had to offer and just be mindful.
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  Speaker 1: So firstly, I didn't have time for it. Secondly, I
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  Speaker 1: was actually feeling a little queasy. I just wasn't feeling great.
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  Speaker 1: I think all the travels just I need some stability,
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  Speaker 1: and I wasn't feeling great. Obviously, there was that little
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  Speaker 1: bit of a blemish with that teenage daughter who was
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  Speaker 1: giving us a whole lot of attitude, and in spite
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  Speaker 1: of it, it was one of the most delightful and
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  Speaker 1: enjoyable family times that I can think of that we've
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  Speaker 1: had recently. It just felt so good to sit there
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  Speaker 1: and draw and be in each other's presence and not
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  Speaker 1: feel obligated to talk to each other or do things together.
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  Speaker 1: We were together doing a I guess haroallel activity and
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  Speaker 1: that was enough.
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  Speaker 2: So you know what our weekend activity this week is,
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  Speaker 2: don't you tomorrow?
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  Speaker 1: What are we doing?
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  Speaker 2: What do we do? It's breakfast for dinner, but it's
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  Speaker 2: a rainbow palette, so we have to use food coloring
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: color all about food.
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  Speaker 1: We're not coloring our food. We can just we have
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  Speaker 1: tomat it's green, we can do the colors. That's fine.
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  Speaker 1: We'll put some orange into a salad. It'll be okay.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not going to put food color. We're having real food.
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  Speaker 1: I'm just saying it right now. But the great thing
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  Speaker 1: about this book is it's forcing us to do things
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  Speaker 1: that are definitely outside of our comfort zone and things
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  Speaker 1: that we're not even excited about doing, and yet it's
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  Speaker 1: really nice to do it. One other thing that I'll
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  Speaker 1: say about that super statured activity last weekend was as
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  Speaker 1: we left Mount Coolham, our ten year old was a
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  Speaker 1: bit cranky. Emily was really mad and so she shot
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  Speaker 1: off in front of us, and it's a pretty treacherous dissent, honestly,
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  Speaker 1: it's not what you would call a comfortable walk down
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  Speaker 1: a hill. And so I took off after her, and
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  Speaker 1: so we ended up sort of racing each other to
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  Speaker 1: the base of the hill. I had the backpack on,
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: so I had all the extra weight. I haven't run
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  Speaker 1: for a long, long, long time, and Kylie I haven't
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  Speaker 1: been able to or for a week. I think we've
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  Speaker 1: all felt a bit like my quads from the impact
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  Speaker 1: of the running down the hill. Oh my godness.
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  Speaker 2: So take homes from today.
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  Speaker 1: Take our messages. Do the hard thing, Do the hard thing.
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  Speaker 1: If it means time together with your family, it's just
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  Speaker 1: worth it. It feels so good.
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  Speaker 2: And family meetings they provide us with the guideposts that
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  Speaker 2: help to keep everyone accountable.
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  Speaker 1: Have a great weekend. We really appreciate you listening to
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast. We know you could listen to
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: or do so many other things, and we appreciate you
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: spending your time with us. The Happy Families podcast is
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. If you'd like
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: more info about making your family happier, we'd love for
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: you to visit us at happy families dot com dot
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: au Hey. On Monday, we're going to be talking about
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: this topic. Is birth order legitimate or is it a sham?
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: We'll see that