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Brett Keane Arrested and Jailed · Brett Keane and Eve Show

• 0:26
  Hello ladies and gentlemen. My name is Brett Keene, and I
• 0:31
  have had a really, really awful week.
• 0:34
  It's been absolutely terrible, and I wanted to share it with
• 0:37
  you, you know, in order to make you smile and make you happy,
• 0:41
  those kind of things. I'm not happy.
• 0:44
  I am distressed. Here's what happened, ladies and
• 0:49
  gentlemen. I walked into the welfare
• 0:52
  department and I spoke to the secretary and I said I need to
• 0:57
  speak to a case worker. So they led me back after
• 1:02
  waiting for about 3 hours out in the waiting room with hardly
• 1:06
  anybody else there. Apparently they were busy in the
• 1:10
  back because nothing was going on in the front.
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  But we finally get there and I sit down with the case worker
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  and I and they say what seems to be the problem Sir?
• 1:22
  And I said, Sir, I said I'm a Black Panther female.
• 1:28
  And they said, excuse me. And I said I'm a Black Panther.
• 1:32
  You know, the creature that hangs out in the jungle and I'm
• 1:37
  female. I identify as a Black Panther
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  female. And the woman looked at me like
• 1:44
  I was crazy. She gave me very awkward looks
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  and it made me very uncomfortable.
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  It really screwed with my dysphoria.
• 1:54
  And then it got even worse. It was clear that she wasn't
• 1:58
  accepting what I identify as. And I said, well, as a Black
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  Panther woman, I'm having a lot of issues.
• 2:05
  My electric bill was through the roof because of this abnormal
• 2:11
  heat that's been going on, this climate change that's been going
• 2:16
  on that the Democrats and liberals keep on talking about.
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  I have been burning up and my air conditioner is not
• 2:23
  outputting enough cool air to keep me relaxed and chill.
• 2:29
  Well. So what I'm wanting is I want
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  reparations for my ancestors being in slavery.
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  The woman looks at me and actually Snickers.
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  She tackles She says, have you ever been a slave?
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  And I said no, not me, but because of anti-Semitic issues
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  and because of all the problems in the world and because of
• 2:56
  white people. All of it's come down on me
• 3:01
  every when my ancestors who my, I don't really know them or
• 3:07
  anything like that, but I know that because I'm black, they had
• 3:10
  to have been slaves and they went through a lot of horrible
• 3:15
  things. And because of that it it
• 3:19
  happened to me somehow, someway. Don't really know how to explain
• 3:24
  it, but let's just say I deserve reparations from white people.
• 3:29
  And the woman looks at me and says, Sir, I, I, I mean Black
• 3:34
  Panther female. And she says, you do realize
• 3:37
  that you look biologically male and you are not black.
• 3:43
  You appear to be Caucasian. And that even says in some of
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  your older information here that you're a Caucasian male with
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  blue eyes, 6 foot 4, between 6 foot 4 and 6 foot 5.
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  And I said, yeah, that was how I was born.
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  But my brain tells me now I'm a Black Panther female and I need
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  reparations in order to pay for the big electric bills I've been
• 4:09
  getting because of climate change.
• 4:13
  And she said, well, we, we don't do that because the government
• 4:17
  hasn't written out its signature and then the executive orders or
• 4:21
  any information like this come through.
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  We can't just hand you money. And I said, well, what if I'm a
• 4:30
  Black Panther female and I'm extremely poor?
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  Can I then get some money? And they said, well, we do have
• 4:38
  a welfare system and all that, and we could try to set you up
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  with something like that, but it may take a few months while
• 4:46
  we're filling out the paperwork. And I'm like a few months.
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  Well, by then I'll be dead. So I tried something else
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  because I needed money right away.
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  The air conditioned bills are unbelievable.
• 4:59
  They're terrible. I said, well, I hear that the
• 5:02
  government is willing to pay for transgender surgery from
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  taxpayer money. And I also hear that the
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  government forces America, Americans to pay for abortions.
• 5:14
  So I believe that I'm pregnant and, and it's early stages.
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  I instead of giving me an abortion, how about give me the
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  money of taxpayers that would go towards the abortion and just
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  give it to me so I can protect my life and my baby.
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  And they said, well, unless you plan on aborting the baby where
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  we can't, you know, we paid parent Planned Parenthood
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  directly. And I said, well, why don't you
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  just give me the money and I'll keep the baby.
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  And then when the baby comes out, I'll get on some kind of
• 5:56
  welfare plan and I'll have more babies and more babies.
• 6:00
  And you can pay me for every baby that I pop out.
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  And the woman again accidentally says, Sir, you're a white man.
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  You can't get pregnant. You're biologically male.
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  And I said that I'm extremely disrespected by this.
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  How dare her say that? I even confirmed to her.
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  I said, look, I before I became pregnant, I was menstruating and
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  she goes, you were menstruating. And I go, yeah, bleeding, you
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  know, bleeding from the butt hole, all that.
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  And she just sit. And she just kept on laughing at
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  me like I was an asshole or something, or it was some kind
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  of joke. And she refused to give me the
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  money in order to be able to pay my electric bill and told me
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  that the money could only be used if I wanted to murder my
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  baby. But I told her I wanted to keep
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  the baby because the baby in the long run makes more money
• 7:02
  through welfare, especially if I end up having a bunch of babies.
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  Yeah, very disappointing. After it was all said and done,
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  I wasn't accepted for being a Black Panther.
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  I wasn't accepted for being a woman.
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  They told me the only way I can get any kind of assistance, as
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  if I want to kill my baby. And they told me that if they
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  were to help me with my bill, then I would have to wait a few
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  months for them to come through on that.
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  But by then, my electric bill would be even higher because
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  months would go by. So I tried to see if I could get
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  on at least food stamps that way that would help me, you know,
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  financially. And they said, all right, well,
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  it says here that you make a little bit too much money in
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  order to be able to get that. You make like $10 over the what
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  our policy is in order to be able to receive that.
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  And I said, yeah, but I'm an illegal and I'm in a safe city,
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  safe zone, sanctuary, and I need it in order to be able to eat.
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  Then they said, well, Sir, you, you've been born in the United
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  States of America. We can't give you any money.
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  And I said, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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  I'm originally from Mars. You know, Elon Musk, a long time
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  ago, he sent a rocket over there and they picked me up and then
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  brought me to Earth and all that.
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  I'm not originally from this world.
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  I'm complete alien. And they said, what?
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  Like what? What's the problem?
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  I'm an illegal I'm I'm not even supposed to be here.
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  If it wasn't for Elon Musk and him sending his little red
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  rocket up to Mars, I wouldn't be here.
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  So I need financial help as an illegal.
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  You know, I figured since all the Mexicans and people across
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  the border get, you know, $3000 EBT cards and they get their
• 9:19
  homes paid for and they get put through college and they get all
• 9:22
  this financial assistance and they get to live up in a Holiday
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  Inn where all the air conditioned they could possibly
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  one is paid for, why not? But the government told me no,
• 9:38
  they wouldn't pay for me to have my Dick chopped off.
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  They wouldn't pay for me to have food.
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  They didn't care that my ancestors were in slavery.
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  So I got this really bright idea right before she was about to
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  scoop me out the door. I said, all right, fine, I'm
• 9:58
  white. I'm Caucasian.
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  So being that that is the case, I have white privilege.
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  And because I have white privilege, you have to help me
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  now. And she looked at me and then
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  put her middle finger up to my face and told me to go fuck
• 10:16
  myself. And then she kicked the door
• 10:19
  open and then kicked again and this time into my asshole and
• 10:24
  kicked me right out the fucking door.
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  Told me I was a fucking loser and get a life.
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  And while I'm heading out to my vehicle with a footprint on my
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  ass cheeks, I asked the question, where the fuck is my
• 10:40
  white privilege at? They got me nowhere.
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  And my Black Panther identity crisis female at that.
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  It didn't work. And for whatever reason, even
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  though I wore up and down that I was fucking pregnant, that
• 11:02
  didn't do nothing either. The system has become really and
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  compassionate, ladies and gentlemen.
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  I don't get it. I don't understand it.
• 11:13
  After it was all set and done, I tried going down to the local
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  restaurant and I went up and I ordered some food and I ended up
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  having a great meal, a great meal with a bunch of dessert and
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  stuffed cheesecake and coconut cream pie.
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  And when they brought me my bill, I said I don't need that.
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  And they go, Why is that, Sir? And I said, you're misgendering
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  me. I don't appreciate that.
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  Let me talk to your manager. So they sent the manager out and
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  I explained to them the whole Black Panther, my people were
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  enslaved a long time ago thing, and that I'm female and I was
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  misgendered, so the meal should be free.
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  And the person told me that if I don't pay, they'll have me
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  arrested. And I said, all right, all
• 12:03
  right, all right, here it is. This ought to settle everything.
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  I'm white and I have white privilege, and I shouldn't have
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  to pay the fucking bill. White privilege.
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  So next thing I knew, I was in handcuffs and I was taken off to
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  jail. And here I am talking to you all
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  right now, and I only get one phone call.
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  But I decided with that one phone call, I'd talk to all of
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  you and my time's up now. So I got to go.
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  I got to go back to myself.