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Flagged, Stolen, and Still Not Silenced · Relatively Stable

0:10
SPEAKER_00: Flagged, stolen, and still not silenced.
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How a stolen journal and Facebook jail teamed up to remind me
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who actually owns my voice.
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SPEAKER_00: I have no words.
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I practiced really hard for my very first solo driving trip
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away from home when I
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SPEAKER_00: was a teenager.
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SPEAKER_00: I'd received an old Volkswagen Rabbit,
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SPEAKER_00: a four-speed with a sticky clutch,
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SPEAKER_00: and mastering the mechanics of driving this car was my ticket to freedom.
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I spent long summer afternoons stalling up and down my father's
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gently sloping driveway.
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My mother stopped by to offer encouragement and ride shotgun as
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I crept into the
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unpredictable rural highway to attempt a loop that passed
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sunburnt cornfields and
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SPEAKER_00: the barn where I kept my horse.
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The area where I grew up was and still is filled with ghost
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stories and warnings.
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SPEAKER_00: My father's younger brother,
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SPEAKER_00: my baby uncle,
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SPEAKER_00: died in front of their house,
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SPEAKER_00: on the same land as our house,
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SPEAKER_00: when he pulled away from my great grandfather to run across the street.
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SPEAKER_00: A neighbor in the same era passed away a short walk from that spot.
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SPEAKER_00: Whether by their own hand or by accident,
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the fragile lives and deaths of humans were a continual
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narrative that was pressed
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SPEAKER_00: into my early warning system.
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SPEAKER_00: I wanted nothing more than to drive away from that place.
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SPEAKER_00: At last,
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I graduated from my father's driving expectations and pressed a
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cassette tape into
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the Volkswagen's unpredictable stereo before following the
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speed limit into town
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SPEAKER_00: for a sleepover.
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SPEAKER_00: At my friend's house in the middle of the night,
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SPEAKER_00: someone broke into my freshly launched vehicle and stole my backpack
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Inside that bag was a black three-ring binder that had served
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as my journal for the
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SPEAKER_00: past year as a creative writing student at the local art school.
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SPEAKER_00: It felt like someone had stolen my life.
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SPEAKER_00: Who was I without my trappings and consistencies?
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SPEAKER_00: Who was I without my words?
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SPEAKER_00: My words found me.
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I've kept journals since I learned how to write,
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but I never look back at them.
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SPEAKER_00: The journals are containers,
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SPEAKER_00: a collection of mason jars,
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SPEAKER_00: used once and then retired from canning.
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SPEAKER_00: Art cooked under pressure cracks the glass.
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SPEAKER_00: The purpose is served.
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SPEAKER_00: The sentence is sealed.
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SPEAKER_00: Still, I worried about that journal.
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SPEAKER_00: I wondered where it had gone.
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SPEAKER_00: My stories have always been free for the taking,
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SPEAKER_00: so I didn't fret about someone reading the pages.
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SPEAKER_00: I simply wanted to know where the notebook had disappeared to.
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SPEAKER_00: The school year passed,
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SPEAKER_00: winter came and went,
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SPEAKER_00: and that spring,
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someone in my friend's neighborhood was clearing debris from
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their bushes and
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SPEAKER_00: uncovered my notebook,
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SPEAKER_00: pages damp from rain and yellowed from the mulch.
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SPEAKER_00: My words were intact, and I still have that notebook today.
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It's followed me from my move to farm to farm to the old
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farmhouse where I now
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SPEAKER_00: live,
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SPEAKER_00: our forever farm,
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SPEAKER_00: the one that caught our landing.
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As I packed boxes of journals for this move,
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I wrote funny warnings on the cardboard.
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journals i said guard with your life burn upon my death but i
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didn't really mean it
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they're just pages the work has been done the pressure cooker
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released and all
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those pages of my life scribbled in notebooks are still in the
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garage of the new
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farmhouse under a ceiling that peels in the humidity they're
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still in their boxes
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SPEAKER_00: stored but not vital no need to unpack
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SPEAKER_00: They've served their purpose, penciling my intentions into the world.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: Fetching a sip of Coke.
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My sister being Tamar Reno lives farther away from me now that
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I've moved farms.
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SPEAKER_00: She and I have individually seen a lot of life and loss this past year.
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What went from monthly visits over coffee has turned into
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single sentences in
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SPEAKER_00: Messenger and Facebook comments.
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SPEAKER_00: We miss each other a lot.
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Caught up with farm admin and tending to and getting my
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substack essay ready for
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SPEAKER_00: the week,
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SPEAKER_00: I stole some time to comment on her recent Facebook post.
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SPEAKER_00: Each word felt like a little gift I could ferry to her over the miles.
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SPEAKER_00: A little boop on the nose that said, I see you.
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SPEAKER_00: I delight in bantering with her.
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She's a pretty remarkable banterer and she has this Irish wit
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that just erupts.
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SPEAKER_00: I have to try really hard to keep up with her.
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SPEAKER_00: Whenever we visit in person, we share Cokes and snacks.
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SPEAKER_00: Commenting on her post, I typed, You're so fetching.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm going to have to have a sip of Coke now.
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We were bantering over the word fetching as it applied to our
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Siberian cats and
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SPEAKER_00: Tamar's new choice of fireplace color.
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SPEAKER_00: Then I went about my business.
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SPEAKER_00: Moments later, Facebook flagged me for a content violation.
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SPEAKER_00: My comment went against their community standards by encouraging,
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SPEAKER_00: as they said,
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SPEAKER_00: people to buy,
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SPEAKER_00: sell,
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SPEAKER_00: promote,
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SPEAKER_00: and exchange illegal drugs.
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SPEAKER_00: I filed an immediate appeal.
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SPEAKER_00: It was rejected.
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SPEAKER_00: The farm doesn't make much money from monetization on Facebook,
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SPEAKER_00: but every tiny bit helps,
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and it feels good knowing my words and images can give back
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pennies to the dollar
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SPEAKER_00: in support of the horses.
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SPEAKER_00: The day this happened,
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I was finalizing images to purchase ads for our Black Friday
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camp and rooted
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SPEAKER_00: gatherings for women,
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SPEAKER_00: but I suddenly lost all access.
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I couldn't purchase ads,
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our reach was limited,
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and I could no longer host live videos.
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SPEAKER_00: I spent hours on the meta chat lines waiting for humans.
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SPEAKER_00: I pay to be meta verified so I'm able to contact an actual human,
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which is more than most people are able to do when experiencing
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problems with the
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SPEAKER_00: platform,
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but the only solution was to hand me over to an invisible team
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of specialists who
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would be in touch in a few days to a few weeks to see if my
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problem could be
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SPEAKER_00: resolved.
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SPEAKER_00: My initial appeal was rejected.
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My capitalized sip of name brand soft drink known all over the
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world was found to
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SPEAKER_00: be code for my illicit drug use.
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SPEAKER_00: A week later, I'm still waiting for their final decision.
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My morning of rejection was followed by learning our proposal
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to Airbnb to host
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SPEAKER_00: experiences was not good enough,
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SPEAKER_00: and that my father,
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SPEAKER_00: who is bedbound and lives with me,
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SPEAKER_00: was being discharged from hospice because he's not declining fast enough.
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My mother always says,
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I don't like rejection enough to stand in line for it.
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SPEAKER_00: This has been the most mercury of all mercury retrogrades.
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SPEAKER_00: Fear trickled through my veins like ice water.
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I became frozen with it,
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unable to do anything except sit and ponder and ruminate.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm learning to see that this moment of inaction is a gateway,
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SPEAKER_00: a gathering point of internal power.
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SPEAKER_00: With all that energy coursing through me,
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SPEAKER_00: I can allow it to fester and eat me alive,
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SPEAKER_00: or I can turn it into action.
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SPEAKER_00: In truth,
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SPEAKER_00: I allowed it to do a little bit of both,
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SPEAKER_00: but I'm getting better at noticing the difference.
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SPEAKER_00: Reclaiming our power.
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SPEAKER_00: We are conductors of currents,
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SPEAKER_00: living,
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SPEAKER_00: breathing antennas attuned to our environment and our feelings.
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SPEAKER_00: This is both a blessing and a curse.
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We're organic noticers who must turn off our gifts in order to
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function in a world
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SPEAKER_00: that isn't designed for using what is rightfully ours,
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SPEAKER_00: our intuition,
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SPEAKER_00: our curiosity,
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SPEAKER_00: our strength.
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SPEAKER_00: In fact,
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it's trained out of us at a very early age when we learn to sit
9:00
still in our chairs
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SPEAKER_00: and memorize the alphabet.
9:04
As I work with clients in the fields with the horses,
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clear thoughts ring in me like a bell.
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My theme this month has been asking clients to imagine what it
9:14
would feel like to
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SPEAKER_00: know that they have permission to take up space,
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SPEAKER_00: to be here,
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SPEAKER_00: to feel worthy and valid and entitled to receive
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SPEAKER_00: What if accepting what is boils down to accepting who we are?
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What are we capable of being if we just give ourselves
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permission to launch?
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SPEAKER_00: After I panicked for 24 hours about losing Facebook privileges,
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I stood in the gelding's field and I marveled at the green
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grass still growing in
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SPEAKER_00: November,
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SPEAKER_00: the way it merged and flowed beneath my feet,
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SPEAKER_00: textures changing like surf.
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SPEAKER_00: Amber waves of grain.
9:58
My Turkish ex-husband and I were professional arguers when we
10:01
lived in the same house.
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SPEAKER_00: One epic fight focused on the concept of free speech.
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SPEAKER_00: I had grown up with it being a birthright in America.
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SPEAKER_00: He grew up with speech being monitored to keep opposition controlled.
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SPEAKER_00: He felt that language unchecked was dangerous.
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He also fully believes in the freedom to be his own person,
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so there is that.
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Two things can be true at once,
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and most days we live in the stretch between the truths.
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Losing my words at 16 and losing my platform last week were not
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the same loss,
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SPEAKER_00: but they echoed each other.
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Both events pushed me to own the uncomfortable knowledge that
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my voice isn't
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SPEAKER_00: guaranteed a container in a notebook or a social media company,
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SPEAKER_00: systems built on rules that I can't see,
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SPEAKER_00: which means the only place my voice can truly live is inside of me.
10:55
SPEAKER_00: It's easy to forget that we are built for reclamation
11:00
SPEAKER_00: Power isn't the ability to control an outcome.
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It's the ability to keep moving forward when the outcome isn't
11:06
what you wanted.
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SPEAKER_00: Your power lies in the space between panic and response.
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SPEAKER_00: It's the choice to root down instead of scatter.
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SPEAKER_00: It's the willingness to say, I am still here.
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SPEAKER_00: I am still mine.
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SPEAKER_00: I don't have to begin again because I am always starting.
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SPEAKER_00: The world will keep misunderstanding us.
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SPEAKER_00: Systems will keep misfiring.
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Someone will always be clearing brush in their yard and
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uncovering an old version
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SPEAKER_00: of us,
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SPEAKER_00: damp,
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SPEAKER_00: weathered,
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SPEAKER_00: and yellowed.
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SPEAKER_00: And yet our truest parts endure.
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SPEAKER_00: They don't dissolve in the rain.
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They don't disappear because an algorithm flags us or a gate
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closes or a plan falls through.
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SPEAKER_00: They travel with us even when we've forgotten how to look for them.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: Reclaiming our power is nothing more than returning to that truth,
11:57
SPEAKER_00: returning to the part of us that works steadily behind the scenes,
12:01
returning to the part of us that knows how to navigate by
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instinct and curiosity
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SPEAKER_00: the way the horses do,
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returning to the part of us that still believes in motion after
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or in spite of
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SPEAKER_00: fear.
12:16
SPEAKER_00: It's not a triumphant act.
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SPEAKER_00: It feels very small as you claim it.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: All you have to do is realize that the field between right and wrong,
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SPEAKER_00: loss and recovery,
12:27
SPEAKER_00: silence and voice,
12:29
SPEAKER_00: has been inside you this whole time.
12:32
SPEAKER_00: You just have to step back into it.
12:37
SPEAKER_00: What am I doing while I'm in Facebook jail?
12:41
I'm stepping back to the place that has held my work for a very
12:45
long time.
12:46
SPEAKER_00: Substack is my home base,
12:48
the one corner of the internet where I can write without
12:50
restriction or algorithms,
12:52
SPEAKER_00: and instead of leaning on social media,
12:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm choosing to grow my presence here.
12:57
Help me broaden my reach by subscribing,
13:00
sharing,
13:01
gifting,
13:01
and spreading the word.
13:04
Free subscriptions are for anyone who wants to read or listen
13:08
along and help my
13:10
SPEAKER_00: work travel farther.
13:11
Your reading,
13:12
your sharing,
13:13
and your presence here widen my circle in the biggest ways.
13:17
SPEAKER_00: And now,
13:18
SPEAKER_00: until the end of the year,
13:20
you can receive 20% off an annual paid subscription if you
13:25
click the link that
13:26
SPEAKER_00: you'll find in the show notes.
13:28
paid subscriptions for those who want to go deeper and support
13:32
the work in a tangible way.
13:34
Paid subscribers receive full access to my library of guided
13:38
visualizations and
13:40
SPEAKER_00: audio sessions,
13:41
SPEAKER_00: all downloadable workbooks,
13:44
a monthly live zoom where I bring the wisdom of the horses to
13:48
you wherever you are
13:49
SPEAKER_00: in the world,
13:50
and occasional behind the scenes updates from Lavender Hill as
13:54
I settle down and
13:55
SPEAKER_00: get rooted into the new farm.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: Founding members are the next tier up in a paid subscription,
14:02
and those are for people who want to give more to the farm and
14:05
to my work.
14:06
Founding members receive everything above plus four private
14:09
coaching calls to use
14:11
SPEAKER_00: anytime in 2026.
14:12
These sessions give you the chance to explore your own story
14:16
with depth and clarity.
14:18
SPEAKER_00: shaped by the same principles I use here on the farm.
14:22
Both paid tiers directly support the farm and the work I do
14:25
here every day,
14:26
SPEAKER_00: helping me keep these horses cared for,
14:29
SPEAKER_00: keep the land open to the community,
14:32
and continuing to offer access to people who might never
14:35
otherwise experience the
14:37
SPEAKER_00: grounding presence of a horse,
14:39
SPEAKER_00: or for those who are finding their way back after years away.
14:44
SPEAKER_00: And you can gift subscriptions to Stable Roots.
14:48
SPEAKER_00: Like a gift basket for your soul,
14:50
SPEAKER_00: these subscriptions are a way to offer reflection,
14:53
SPEAKER_00: creativity,
14:54
SPEAKER_00: and a place to connect for the hard-to-buy-for people on your list.
15:02
SPEAKER_00: Field notes.
15:03
SPEAKER_00: If you're local to the Greenville,
15:05
SPEAKER_00: South Carolina area,
15:06
I would love for you to join me in December for my rooted
15:09
gatherings for women.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: But if you are not able to join me in person,
15:13
our November Zoom gathering for paid subscribers will be the
15:17
next best thing.
15:19
I'll send links out this coming Monday,
15:21
and we're going to meet up on Tuesday of next week.
15:24
I've taken a break from our monthly gatherings with all the
15:26
insanity of last year,
15:28
but my farm has come home and I'm settled and excited to be
15:31
back in your virtual
15:33
SPEAKER_00: company.
15:35
So much of reclaiming our power comes down to remembering what
15:38
is true when
15:39
SPEAKER_00: everything else goes sideways,
15:41
SPEAKER_00: when notebooks vanish,
15:42
SPEAKER_00: when algorithms shut a door,
15:44
SPEAKER_00: when life tilts in a direction you didn't choose.
15:47
What remains is the part of you that keeps writing even when
15:50
the pages go missing.
15:53
SPEAKER_00: Power isn't loud and it isn't theatrical.
15:56
Power is returning to yourself time and time again until you
15:59
recognize that nothing
16:01
SPEAKER_00: essential has ever been taken from you.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: It's been here the whole time, waiting for you to claim it.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: Love, Kim