Latest / Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano / Fighting the Monster Within

Transcript

Fighting the Monster Within · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

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Hey, guys and dolls. Before we jump into this episode, a note
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about our content today. This is created for adult audiences only. We advise
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listener discretion, so if you need a breather, take a break and come
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back later. This is Your Pain Game podcast where we talk about the game
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of living in and with chronic pain and trauma. Get into the heart of
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how to heal. I am your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show,
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I plan on discussing with doctors, chronic pain patients, baalistic practitioners,
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loved ones, and anybody that is interested in having their voice heard in the
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chronic pain and trauma world that we live in. On this show, I
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have talked about the RPS, which I have For those of you who have
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never listened to the show, it's called chronic regional pain syndrome and that it
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is lovingly coined as the suicide disease. Way to go whoever coined that for
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CRPS the suicide disease. So at the end of the day, there's always
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this little message in the back of my brain and in the back of my
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heart that's like, well, you know what, if you're in too much
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pain? It's what it's called, so you could kind of go that route,
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right And as we know, on the show, we always cover trauma,
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abuse, chronic pain, shame, gil all of that and addiction,
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all of which can lead to suicide and suicidal tendency, suicidal thoughts, And
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that topic of suicide is near and dear to my heart for a multitude of
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reasons. I've battled with self worth for my whole entire life. I might
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be doing it right now as we speak. I struggle with perfectionism like nobody's
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business. I used to struggle with addiction big time. I hit it pretty
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damn well, though I hit it really really well well, at least I
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thought I was. At least I thought I was hiding it. But I
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have experienced a few scary moments and times in place is in this chronic pain
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journey of mine that showed me how precious the chemistry of our brain is,
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and how precious our lives are, and how precious our mindset is. And
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on this journey I have been given multitudes of different medications and pain pills,
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none of which I take now. As I've mentioned, I do not do
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the pill thing. And a few of those what I like to call brain
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changers viewed my ability to think rationally, and in some cases, I didn't
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know who I was. I didn't know where I was. I didn't know
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what was real and what wasn't. And I have scared myself coming out of
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those places to hear my sweety experience when I had a knife to my wrist,
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or laying a pool in a pool of my own vomit fun places to
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be, very great, very sexy, places to find yourself, in places
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that I don't remember being, but they came from somewhere. So I was
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incredibly miserable being alive when I was younger. No matter how great I looked,
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how good I did in school, how successful I was, how loving
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and given I was, I was never going to hit the mark of perfection
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that at the time I didn't even know that I was seeking. And what
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I've found is, and this is actually fairly recent, that I've found that
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in seeking perfection you will always fail. You will always fail because it doesn't
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exist. And you know, we recently lost Matthew Perry from the show Friends,
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and I have been incredibly sad and heavy about his death, contemplating the
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why behind it all and looking back at some of my behaviors and some of
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the things that I've felt and been in those places of despair. And you
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know, we all grew up with him and the other friends in our living
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room. We saw his addiction, we knew about his addiction. We all
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knew, and we all lost a friend. And we never know how heavy
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our souls are and how the souls around us might feel, and how to
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handle that heaviness and handle those monsters within us and those monsters that live within
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our loved ones. So let's talk about it. It sounds like a very
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uplifting episode today, but it will be so. Without further ado, I
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would like to introduce you to my guest today, justin Brian. Hello,
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how are you, darling? I'm doing well. Lindsey, thank you.
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How about yourself? I'm doing so good. We had to reschedule a couple
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of times to get us here, and I'm so happy that we are here.
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Hey, we're here. We made it and we get to talk about
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monsters and suicide that you know, it's uh, it's probably more people than
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you'd actually think, well said, a lot of people like you say,
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are hiding mm hmm, And unfortunately that takes this toll on people, and
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then people decide that they've had enough. Yeah. Well. Justin is a
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mental health advocate, inspirational speaker, professional executive coach, and author of the
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Amazon best selling book Chasing Shadows, Fighting the Monster Within, and also has
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a brand new podcast out called The Stronger You Project. And I have read
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his book. I cried, I laughed, I highlighted, eye dog eared.
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The thing actually like is wet, not only with my tears, but
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I read it than the jacuzzi. So it's warped and it's beautiful, and
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it sits behind me every day. And thank you for giving this book to
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me, because it's It's been a wonderful gift that I've been able to read
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it and to meet you as well. He struggled with a sixteen year long
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battle with addiction and a lifelong battle with mental health and self worth. He
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lost everything, as we hear so much with addiction, lost his family,
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multiple jobs, friends, his son, his girlfriend more. I mean,
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we get it, we know this is what happens within an addictive space.
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Three years later, he got his family back and four plus years of sobriety
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under his belt. So we're going to talk about it here. I am
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rolling out the red carpet out for you, babe. So let's get started
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on talking about the battle with your mental health and addiction and let's take it
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from there. Let's get a party. Let's get your party started. Babe.
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Wow that I partied with mental health and I partied with substance use.
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I basically those were two of my friends. You have my best friends to
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party with. Invited him everywhere I went, and you know, the kind
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of led me down the path that I led. Growing up, I battled
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with low self esteem, low self worth, low self confidence. And you
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know, I remember at ten years old, I was driving with my was
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my stepdad and my stepbrother and he looked over at me and he says,
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Justin, would you fight your step brother? So yeah, why not?
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I said, okay, And all of a sudden I try to pulled off
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the road and he said, get out. You can fight him right here.
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And that was the first time I ever felt powerless in my life.
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I just put my head down and told him to take me home. I
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was scared, I was frightened, I felt weak, and I felt powerless,
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But I don't growing up, I was shopped in the locker before I
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was shoved in a garbage can, although that one I might have deserved.
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I was. I was a little chirpy, but I was cut from hockey
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teams that I always wanted to grow up and play on and watch my friends
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come to the school with their hockey jerseys on for a gamble. Canadian hockey
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it's in our blood and we I had to watch them. We're they're jerseys
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every day. So I felt powerless growing up and to control my outcomes.
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And you developed insecurities at a very young age, and I started to wear
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a mask. So I was always a people pleaser. I was acting out,
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I was seeking validation. I've made everybody laugh around me. I was
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the funny guy. But it's because I wanted to be noticed and liked by
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everybody. It's because I didn't like myself. And because of those insecurities,
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I started to open up a bag. You know. I put in a
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low self esteem, more self worth, low self confidence, and then I
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started to put I put it back on my back, and I walked through
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elementary school, through junior high, through high school, and then that bag
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started to get heavy, you know, when I got out of high school,
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and so I took it off, and I opened it up, and
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I opened it up to me and I started to put in bugs, alcohol,
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guilt, shame, anger, depression, and suicide in that bag.
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And then I zipped it back up and put it on my back, and
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then you know, I just kept walking. What happens when you don't take
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care of the things that are weighing you down, well, they start to
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issue from the inside out. And you know, by the time in twenty
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one, I found alcohol. Because I didn't drink much in high school,
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it really wasn't for me. When I got a ice out of high school,
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I found what alcohol gave me, and that was self esteem, self
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worth, self confess. But what were those things? While they were fake?
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Everything they gave me were fake, but everything they soon started taking away
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from me was very real. By the time I was twenty four years old,
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there's a couple of things that really stand out for me that I believe
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put me on this draft for that I took and I was bartown bartending downtown
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Vancouver at that time, and the guy asked me justin do you think he
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drank too much? And I was like, no, not that way,
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not me. I'm only out every single night. By myself. I don't
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remember it, but it No, you can't be this awesome and have a
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drinking problem. Well that's that's a big lie. Well one night I'm out,
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and you know, I graduated from alcohol used to drug abuse in twenty
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four I actually did cocaine for the very first time, and I didn't remember
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the ninth of my buddy told me I was funny, and then it clicked,
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and I have alcohol for confidence. I have drugs to be funny.
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You know. I got Michaels special juice from spacetaan one shot of this and
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one shout of that, and I'm super justin, super Justine. Yeah,
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so you know, the words are you an alcoholic? Ran through my head
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one time, and you know, I told myself I was too smart,
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not a low life. I'd go to work, I pay my bills.
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But at that time I told myself that I had a warm feeling rushed up
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for my body, like I still remember the feeling. I remember I was
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walking across the campy street Bergs Vacouver. I still remember it and looking up
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and I was scared because I knew. I knew, but I didn't want
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to admit it, right because once you admit it, well, then they
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If you don't make the change, that's when guilt and shame steps in.
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Right, you don't admit that there's a problem, You're probably not gonna feel
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guilty about it. You're not gonna have a build up a shame. But
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if you admit that, hey, justin you shouldn't be doing that, it's
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like, okay, well, then all of a sudden you're gonna be doing
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It's gonna pop in your head. Might not be all the time, but
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you'll have that thought back there. I believe people are more aware than they
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think. They give themselves credit for it, but they're fighting it because once
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you admit, you got to make the change. And I didn't want to
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make the change. About six months after that, I moved back home and
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managing nightclub and I got to get a ride home because I lost my license
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for drinking and driving. And you know what topic, good depression came up
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that this is fifteen years ago. No depression exists. I think you know
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what emotions were. I knew at alcohol, laughter and having fun was,
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or so I thought, because I was battling dark demons and drinking by myself.
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That was my best friend. Go home, grab a two six,
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drink it with one cant pop, and then go to bed. Wake up
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at seven or five pm. The next day, be at work for seven
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pm because I was a bartender, worked till three am, same cycle.
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But me and my Addy started talking about topicod depression, where I look at
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him and I'm like, man depression just for the week, some excuse.
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You gotta man up, you gotta go to work, you gotta pay your
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bills. And I don't know why I said it back down, but I
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definitely know why I said it now is because I trying to look stronger on
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the outside than what I was feeling on the inside. Right, So at
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twenty four, I have two major problems, mental health and substance use.
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But at twenty four, I'm ignoring two major problems mental health and substance use.
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Now, I went down another four years of moving around being a gypsy,
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going from city to city, from bar to bar. Because I was
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I was really good bartender. I could literally go into any restaurant, train
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up within thirty minutes and I would know what to do right. They would
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normally not tip you out for your first three four shifts, but I could
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pick it up and i'd usually get tipped out that night because i'd split it
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with the bartender and so I could pick it up. I'd go anywhere,
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right, and I just started living out of a suitcase, going from town
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to town. Finally ended up back home at twenty eight, and I was
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like, I was losing a lot of things, you know, I was
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losing jobs like bartaining, jobs that show up drunk and I would tell them
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to be like, guys, I'm drawing, I'm starting my stiff seven drinks
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under. Is that okay? Yeah, I'm like I just for some reason
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when I got drunk, I got a little bit honest. We all get
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honest with it. And that's actually one of the things that's so scary because
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you're like, whoa wait a second, did I say those things out loud?
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I'm hearing myself saying these things like wow, and it is it's a
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truth, sereum. I got like, well, if so many jobs were
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it's like, man, like we love you, like just smart, not
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like we want you here. But they, you know, they have their
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thing to follow and things. I mean, some of you even reached back
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out. They wanted me to go back, but that was already gone.
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Right, I'm like, okay, I'm out. This is nothing. So
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finally twenty eight I moved back home and I finally realized you justin you're depressed
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man, and you know what you You abused drugs and alcohol. So I
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asked for help. How every when I asked for help at twenty eight,
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you know, that's when my suicidal thoughts started to start to come up.
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Oh. Interesting, Interesting, after you decided to ask for help, that's
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when you actually started to get suicidal. Well, I started to learn well
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because I started to try to quit drinking, right, so I was taking
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away my coping mechanism. Finally goes sober. And no, when you go
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sober, you have to deal with all your emotions with yourself or with a
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counselor, or with a medication. And I didn't want to go on medication.
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At the game, I'm like, I don't want to be a pill
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popper. Okay, you're gonna sort that line of cocaine, but you don't
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want to be a You don't want to take medication for your mental illness.
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And it took. Yeah, my reasoning was not the greatest back then,
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but I asked for help, and you know, I go on and off
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drinking and go on and off meds, which they're not going to work unless
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you take them right. So I ended up meeting a girl and we hang
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out, but eventually we end up breaking out. My drinking was too much,
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and then all of a sudden, she phones me and she says,
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Justin, we need to talk. Okay. She's brettant and she looks at
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me. She's like Justin. She's like, you don't need to be in
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this relationship, or you don't need to be a dad, but I'm keeping
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this baby, and I'm like, wait, minut, obviously I'm gonna be
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a dad. I was scared of shitless, like I can't even take care
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of myself, how am I gonna take care of this kid. One of
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the worst feelings I've ever had was I don't want my son to be like
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me. And it's like I'm gonna bring it in this world and I hate
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myself so much. I'm messing up so much. I don't want him to
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be like me. Well, we end up getting back together, and you
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know, I was actually off work for about nine months. Work told me
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to justin, go get your stuff together, because you know, I worked
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at a mill and I was running heavy equipment and working on a four hundred
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degree press putting plywood together. You can really hurt somebody, and my thoughts
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and my emotions were not there. I would be sitting on across from somebody
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and be like, am I gonna make it? Am I gonna make it?
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Am I gonna make it? And I forget people's names, and I'm
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very fortunate that I never heard anybody. And when you don't get help for
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your mental health, you're gonna have a hard time regulating your emotions. And
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that's what I was doing. So they finally go get some help, and
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I finally crashed a car, and I'm like, okay, I'm going to
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rehaby. I got to get out of town. But I kind of went
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for the wrong reasons. I kind of I was embarrassed because I'm from a
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small town of eighteen thousand people. You know. I worked at the sports
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store, I worked at the mill, I worked at the bar. But
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everybody knew me, right, And so if they see person crashed the car
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on the side of the road, there, all of a sudden, here
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you go see these text messages. Are you okay? I'm like, okay,
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I need help. So I ended up going to rehab. And when
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I went to rehab, my he was about seven months pregnant. And I
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went to rehab. It was with sixty other men for three five days,
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and I went to all my classes and I worked out, and you know,
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I made some friends, and you know, in rehab, I felt
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normal. I didn't feel like the Black Sheep anymore. Rehab was easy for
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me, and they talking about my feelings. Was it was different because I
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had a group of ten other dudes and we were all messed up. We
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all had problems, we could get emotional, we could cry in front of
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each other, we disappointed people, some from j We were just messed up
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dudes working together. So I felt normal and safe there, which I'm not
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sure if everybody tell you, well, it's kind of it's one of those
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things where when you go into situations where you're not you're to use your words,
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not the black Sheep anymore. I completely identify with that because I also
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was. Everybody would would say right now, even talking to me right now
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or looking at me right now having this conversation, that I am extroverted,
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like nobody's business. Well, I put on costumes, I put on masks.
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I built up every kind of person that I should be for everybody else,
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no matter what group I was in. I was one of those girls
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in high school and in college and even in work life where I was able
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to adapt to multiple types of groups. I was able to be with the
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sports people. I was in performing arts. I was really smart. I
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was all these different things, and I put on every single possible mask I
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could possibly put on, and everybody thinks that I was just this happy,
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go lucky, fun, talented, smart, witty whatever, And inside I'm
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like, all I want to do is go back home and not be around
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any people and be very, very introverted, and it's scary. So when
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you do find a place where you find people that are like yourself truly deep
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inside, that's when you're like, what's up, homie, you know,
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like you get it about me, and I can be who I am without
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my mask. I can take all of that off, which is really hard
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to do when you're not in a setting when people don't understand no. And
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you know, when I would go out, I could. I would pre
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drink to pre drink like I would. I would pick up like one of
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those mini mickeys from a from a store and I would drink Mickey like mini
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Mickey. Oh sorry, we're Canadian? Is that not? Is that not
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an American word? No, No, it's it's American working. I'm just
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laughing because I remember, because I remember, Oh yeah, it was like
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one of those six or eight ounce mickeys, and then there's the fifteen or
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twelve ones, twelve ounce ones, Oh yeah, so anyone. And then
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I would crush it, just go to a friend's house just because I wanted
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an eld rhythm. You know, I'll have this many drinks and I'm gonna
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be funny. You have this many drinks, and I'm gonna talk to that
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girl and have this many drinks, and I'm going to the danceport. I
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have this many drinks just so I can hang out with my friends. It's
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like methodical, like we used to do it. Like my ex husband and
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I was like, okay, well, we're going over to my parents' house.
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We mess. We got a pre party to go to Thanksgiving. Isn't
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that everybody when they go to their parents' house. But I would be at
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their house and I would just look at them, and I feel like I
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was losing my touch. I'd have some more drinks, and yeah, I
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just I would sit there and be like, why are these guys hanging out?
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Like I'm such a loser, Like I'm such a failure. Why why
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are they even hanging out with me? People be like how are you doing?
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And I'd be like, I'm like, I'm thinking of suicide. And
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I just look at them and be like, I'm doing awesome. Man.
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How are you doing? Man? You're looking good? Right, I could
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just I could flip it where. Yeah, I literally think of that at
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the same time as I'm speaking. So I got out of rehabit and the
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first thing I said was is I was not not don't drinking forever. And
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you probably guess what happened. Yeah, because I read your book listeners,
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you can probably guess what happened. One month later, we have our son.
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Two months later I started making bad decisions hitting the bottle, and six
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months after that, my girlfriend probably had made the decision of her life pick
19:18
up my son and leave me on my lowest point. And I don't blame
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her, because I was in no shape to have a kid around, and
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my kid didn't need to need to see that. Right. She came home
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from a vacation one time, and I was white girl wasted, as we
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see up here in Canada. Aren't you all white up there? Though?
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White girl wasted, I'm dead. That's like, yeah, for sure,
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you need to like bumper stick or that ship, because that's epic. Just
19:55
white girl wasted totally. I can see it, asking seeing the bartender to
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play a play a song about the d d Oh my god, you're screaming
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on the dance floor with all the other girls. My favorite song came on.
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She used her off and everything. Oh that's dead. That's another stream.
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But she came she walking, Actually she just visited her family for thirty
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days and here I am drunk out of my mind and she's just like,
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I can't do it. She walked out, and finally I was like,
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I just had to watch my world walk out of my house. And you
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know, my suicidal thoughts started to build up and build up and build up.
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And I was very fortunate that I don't know that. One time I
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woke up, I had a knife in my bed, and you know,
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I had blood in my bed and my wrist were cut, and I'm fortunate
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to be here. I don't remember doing it. I remember I wanted my
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mom to come get me as I was out of pup and like, Mom,
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I need to come home, And she said I was talking weird,
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but I was living underneath her. You felt safe knowing that I was home,
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And yeah, I was very fortunate, but I had to make up
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on my wrists. And there's not a lot of my friends that know.
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Still. If they want to know, they can read the book. I
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don't go bragging about it or anything. Yeah, it's a hard topic to
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go bragging about. Yeah, when I go to school, I don't talk
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about it either. Are my keynot speeches. It's just pretty deep, pretty
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dark, But I'm not I'm not afraid to talk about it because you know,
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you were talking about the suicide disease or whatever. And I had to
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come to terms with not too long ago, after I heard about the story
21:33
from the guy that jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge he was on at my
21:36
Lets podcast, and the things that had to happen for him to survive,
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like a seal brottom like caught him, he broke his back right and then
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for him to get the surgery he had. He was lucky that the surgeon
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was on in San Francisco and he's like, I still have suicidefis. And
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it took me very long time because I went the wrong McDonald for the breath
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of my daughter, and you know, I was getting those thoughts again,
22:02
like why me, why now is watching her going through what she went through?
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I was just I was down. I was getting dark again, and
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it took me a long time to realize that I may still have these thoughts.
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They're okay to have those thoughts for me personally, but I know they're
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not an option anymore. Now. I allow them to come in, allow
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them to float through. I acknowledge them. I don't ignore them, but
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I questioned them. But I got those suicidal class very very hard. And
22:32
you know, I became an organ donor, got no thistle from my liver,
22:34
got kidney flush. You know, it's training to be healthy so I
22:37
can prepare my body to donate to somebody. And I remember walking into the
22:41
DMV where do you do it here in Canada and like I need to be
22:45
an organ donor And the lady looked at me, She's like, oh,
22:48
good for you, sir. You know we need more people like you.
22:52
Just remember thinking looking at her early ground here like, you don't know why,
22:56
but thank you, But yeah, I got that low. And then
23:00
finally, on January fourth, twenty nineteen, I found myself sitting in my
23:07
basement suite alone, windows drawn, like didn't foil on them, tell us
23:12
that its light was evil. Dark was my friend, and I was looking
23:18
at pictures of my son. I was looking at his toys, and I
23:21
finally, I'm with Tustin, you got two choices here, man, you
23:23
can either end it or ask for help. And finally, with that,
23:27
I phoned up my mom. I said you need to take me to the
23:30
hospital, and she did, and finally my dad's my left, my mom
23:33
in front of me and the counselor my right, I finally been to those
23:36
words allowed that if I was going to continue to feel the way that I
23:38
did that plane and that that final was to ultimately end it. And seeing
23:42
that in front of them, you know, that took a lot of weight
23:45
off. It didn't They didn't cure anything, but just to be able to
23:49
say that in front of them so they know how I truly felt. You
23:52
know that that definitely helped. And I was allowed to go home that day
23:56
because my mom still like and you know, ever since that day, I
24:03
got back together with the mother and my children. We down have another baby
24:06
girl. I get to see my son every day. I get the coachman
24:10
in hockey, I get the coachman in baseball, I get to I became
24:14
a speaker, I became a coach, I became an author. And it's
24:17
all because I finally, you know, I accepted that I needed help,
24:21
and I finally asked for it and got the help that I needed, and
24:25
now I'm able to do what I do. And you know, it's it
24:27
was quite the journey to get here, I would say so. And you
24:33
know you cover so much of that in your book. The organ donor part
24:37
sticks out to me. In fact, I have that sticky noted. One
24:40
of my sticky notes in your book was just the the absolute like planning that
24:47
goes into people that are legitimately contemplating this. I call it writing letters,
24:52
and it's writing letters to your loved ones to make sure that they know you
24:56
know your wishes, what what they meant to you, Why you did this
25:00
da da D Like it's so sad and so scary and so unbelievable that I
25:06
would even say those words out loud, right now that I've even contemplated it,
25:11
that this stuff has happened and that nobody knows about it, you know,
25:14
because I've kept my mouth shut and I've been so so so masked for
25:18
so long for everybody in my world, and I find myself still doing and
25:22
I mean, give us, give me a break. Everybody dresses up for
25:25
the show, you know, I mean, we all, we all are
25:26
hiding something, right, But the point is to not feel that we need
25:30
to hide anymore. Because when you're in that spot where you feel you always
25:33
have to run away, you have to run to your addiction, whatever that
25:36
might be. It can be food, it can be gambled. It could
25:37
be drugs if you can alcohol, it can be sexy, be whatever it
25:40
is to be shopping. You know. The addiction is a version of a
25:44
coping mechanism for you. And when you're able to open up and finally go,
25:48
you know what, Hey, this is what's going on. I'm not
25:51
perfect. I don't know what I'm gonna do right now, but this is
25:53
where I'm I am right now. And being honest with yourself and being honest
25:57
with your loved ones is so incredibly important. I mean, it's just it's
26:02
aren't you worried about me? Like, have you not been worried about me
26:04
for this entire time? You're just now caring or are you just now noticing
26:07
or whatever. And what I found is a lot of the people are like,
26:10
yeah, we just didn't want to say anything, or yeah, we
26:12
were a little worried, and then you kind of just didn't seem like anything
26:15
was wrong again, And I was like, oh my gosh, like being
26:18
left behind in some of those conversations. I think we we need to be
26:22
more cognizant of the people that are around us and what they are struggling with
26:25
and ask them how they're doing, you know, ask how people are doing
26:29
around you, how are you and if they're like all right, well what's
26:32
going on? You know, because I know so many times I'll go and
26:34
they're like all right, it's just like next topic. You're like, well,
26:37
there might be a reason why I'm not saying I'm great. You know.
26:41
I like to do that is the rule of three. How you doing?
26:45
No, okay, how are you doing? I'm okay? How are
26:48
you really doing? You right? Oh? Well, actually I'm busy.
26:55
Yeah, yeah. I beat up a mother in the carpool lane this morning,
26:57
and I'm not sure where it came from. You gave me the thumbs
27:03
up. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, and now my
27:07
kid's expelled and I don't know what to do about it. Oh man,
27:12
So okay, so you pull yourself through all of this. I would like
27:15
to talk a little bit about the Ronald McDonald house because that part of your
27:18
book with your daughter, you haven't talked about her. I would like to
27:26
if that's okay with you, because she's beautiful and what you have done with
27:30
her. If you can talk to us a little bit about her health,
27:33
because I was concerned about you derailing. I'm in that part of the book
27:37
and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is going to be such a
27:40
challenge for him to stay sober and to work through this, because it shows
27:44
a lot about you. I mean a lot. Yeah, oh man,
27:48
I've been tested. Yes, you have my four years of being sober.
27:52
You know, they in sobriety, in recovery, they tell you don't do
27:57
anything for a year, and in six months, I'm getting back together with
28:03
the mother of my children. I went back to work as a bartender,
28:08
and I don't encourage people who deal with addiction to become a partner. But
28:15
you know when it just clicks for you. It clicked for me. I
28:18
knew I wasn't going backwards. If I might go backward with my emotions,
28:22
but I'm not going backwards with my addiction. And I could work at night,
28:26
I could go to school to be a speaker and a coach during the
28:29
day, and I could be with my family. I could make enough money
28:32
to pay our bills. But me and my girlfriend, we wanted to have
28:34
another kid. She's not my wife, by the way, and we want
28:38
to and that was going to come up. Yeah, we got married.
28:42
It was a very small wedding. But that's another thing that almost put me.
28:47
I'll talk about that too, yeah, yeah, yeah, So we
28:52
won't have another kid. And he tried and we lost one, and then
28:56
you know, I'm actually supposed to be a father of six with her.
29:00
Yeah, but you know, we went through four missed parages, wow,
29:04
three in the last or three and four years, sorry, three and four
29:07
years plus the birth of our daughter. A lot and one of those was
29:11
fairly traumatic. That it was you know, it was it was hard to
29:18
see, hard to watch something like that. But it's been tested. But
29:22
one osha, she uh, she made it, but it was it was
29:26
it was touch, touch and go almost. So we're both older. So
29:30
we wanted to get testing for our down syndrome because we knew there would be
29:34
a chance to downcent room. And when we went and got the neck measured,
29:37
it came back because if you have a bigger a little bit bigger a
29:40
neck, I think it's nine millimeters or eleven millimeters, there's a chance of
29:42
down center. So we they came back that she had a bigger neck.
29:45
So we went down to the children's hospital and then they did an ultrasound and
29:48
they found that she had a hole in her heart or two holes in her
29:52
heart, and needed a valve to be rebuilt. But also she had webbing
29:56
in her intestine called it do a diesional denal atrisia sorry, And then she
30:03
had an AVSD in her heart, so she had ganged. She still has
30:07
a shunt up at talk, but she had a whole repaired and a valve
30:11
rebuilt, and with that downst her babies the heart complications, and so she
30:18
she got that one, but then she also got the webbing in the test
30:21
line. So we knew that we were gonna have to go down to the
30:22
wrong mc donald house and stay there. Well, she had to get these
30:26
two surgeries. My family went down first, and I was gonna go down
30:30
a week later because she wasn't due til the twenty fourth of September. But
30:33
all of a sudden, you know they're going to induce her, like,
30:36
okay, well you go down, I'll come. They went down in August,
30:37
I'll come down on the first. Well, all of a sudden,
30:41
I was working so much that summer because I was saving so we could go
30:44
and be his family at the Wrong with donald House. Have don seven hours
30:48
seven hours. There are seven days a week twelve hour shifts. Were working
30:51
in the restaurant business around people non stop all day on my feet, managing,
30:56
serving, bartending, whatever. So I and I'd be drinking black coffee
31:02
all day night just to make it. I was in the state of burnout.
31:06
I'd wake up tired, go to sleep, but I was taking melatonin
31:08
at night and I just came home popped a couple of melatonin, and Renne
31:12
calls me, She's like, my water. I'm like, oh man,
31:15
I just popped melotonain fifteen minutes ago. And then I thought about it,
31:19
and I'm like, I could do it, but I didn't want to put
31:22
anybody else in jeopardy. So I waited. I tried to go sleep,
31:26
slept from like eleven till four am, and then I got up and I
31:30
was on my way. However, the rolling mc donalds is in Vancouver.
31:34
I'm in a small town five hours from it. So I'm driving there and
31:38
all these thoughts are going through my head. Is she gonna make it?
31:41
I'm in this bad mindset. And I got a text finally, and she
31:45
arrived and I told her before I left, you tell her, she stays
31:49
put, Well, here's my daughter. I even met her. She's not
31:56
even listening to me. She's already not listening to me, going against my
31:59
wishes to the hospital, and yeah, I know she she still doesn't.
32:07
But that wasn't We weren't able to see her for two hours. But she
32:12
was small. She was she was three weeks early, but she was at
32:14
least five pounds, which is okay. But then I got to walk into
32:17
the room and you walk into the Nike you and you just see her in
32:22
a dome kind of thing and with tubes and stuff, and like she's no
32:27
bigger than my hand. Yeah, and it's tough. You can't. I
32:31
couldn't hold her for the first five days. For the next day she was
32:37
wheeled out. They just bring in this team, six or seven people and
32:40
she's gone, and you're like, huh, all right, well you can
32:45
do is hope the surgery prey. The surgery goes well, you know,
32:47
they bring her back and you just look at her and finally we got to
32:52
take her out. But it's scary to take her out because she's hooked up
32:55
to all these different tubes. Right, she has breathing apparatus, which she
33:01
had to keep for six months. Finally he came up to her heart surgery
33:06
time, and so they take you into a room and all of a sudden
33:08
there's a whiteboard, two doctors, and the doctor just he made you feel
33:13
comfortable. But then they start going with stats and you're just like, holy
33:15
cow, right, one out of this, one out of that, one
33:19
out of that, you know, the septic, you know, infection,
33:21
this that, this, You're like, holy cow, this just got real.
33:25
So we book her surgery, did take her away, and it just
33:30
during COVID so only one person could go and I knew Renee really wanted to
33:36
go with her, so I'm okay riding and you go. She walked her
33:38
down, came back and started crying, and we just back went back to
33:43
the room McDonald house and said, it's going to be touching. Go like
33:46
the first four I think, as they said, the first four hours or
33:49
or first eight hours or something or critical. But then we got a call
33:53
sixteen hours later she flatlined and we're like, holy but she almost had But
34:00
the two minutes they have CPR and brought her back to life. She almost
34:04
had to go on an act moments and all you want to do is you
34:07
go want to go see her, But they had a room full of sixteen
34:10
doctors or something like that. There's going to be no room for you in
34:14
here. There's nothing you can do. She she's on a paralytic she's sedated.
34:20
Comes see here in the next day or something. I think. We
34:22
went in the next day and we walked in that room. It's just yes,
34:28
there's tubes more tubes of bags and she sedated and she still has her
34:34
chest cut open because I couldn't shut it because there's too much pressure here.
34:42
And then I don't know how you did it. I don't know how you
34:45
did it. You know, you just do it. Yeah, I started
34:50
talking to a counselor as at the hospital, which was which good. I
34:53
started reaching out because I've worked with I partnered up with Canadian Mental Health Associations
34:58
a couple of times and spoke with them, so I knew some counselors.
35:00
But you just it's something, It's just something you do. It's I don't
35:06
know how to explain it. You you see it for what it is.
35:10
You accept it. And that's a big thing I talk about is accepting right.
35:14
Doesn't mean you have to accept what's happened in your life. Doesn't mean
35:16
you have to like it, not one bit, but you have to accept
35:20
it because it's ex truly happened and there's nothing I can do. It's outside
35:23
of my control. But I can be there for my family. I can
35:25
be there before my daughter. But seeing her like that, it reminded me
35:30
of when my stepdad passed away in front of me when I was giving him
35:34
CPR. Just the way you looked at me, his us breath, there's
35:38
one eye kind of being open, her I being open like it was like,
35:43
I'm like, this is not happening. This can't happen again. Well,
35:45
that was tough, you know, it's tough to go through. But
35:49
she made it. She made a recovery and she became off the breathing,
35:52
so we were allowed to go home after six months. And then when we
35:55
got home, she ended up having to go back on the breathing. She's
35:59
on six different men times, she's on six different feet times, so you're
36:01
up throughout the night. And as soon as she got back home, she
36:06
started crying in the night by screaming once or twice the night. I don't
36:09
know what it was. At the The only thing that we keep you up
36:12
at the wrong or in the children's hospital is the beeping or the or the
36:15
changing of the bags. But as soon as she got home, it was
36:20
once or twice or three times a night to console her. The feedings meaning
36:24
the bags, watching the feeding tubes, and she such a she kept playing
36:30
her en G two out so your feet heer. We actually had these little
36:34
things that you put on her hands that kept her hands like out to the
36:37
side, her arms so she couldn't bend them. Stints feel bad, but
36:45
she pulls it out. She could choke right if she pulls it too,
36:47
like not far. She doesn't pull like all the way out. It could
36:50
pull just enough where it's not in her stomach where it could go into her
36:52
lungs, or she pull it out and be running and then you just get
36:58
all on your bed. Which happened, Okay, I can't tell you why
37:00
she's crying and screaming right now. She has been cut open, broken in
37:07
a nickbuse, surrounded by bright lights, beeping sounds. This is her first
37:12
welcome into the world. This poor little thing is a warrior already. You
37:15
know what a badass she's gotten that from both you and Renee. I mean
37:20
she has to have had because I mean Renee obviously is stuck around. She
37:23
deserves a medal by the way. She exactly reading about the whole story,
37:30
which you guys do need to read the entire book. That the story just
37:35
goes on and on with you Buster, and I just, I mean,
37:37
I'm so grateful that you that you will a that you're here for starters,
37:43
So let's give you a round. But plus with that and me too,
37:45
so everybody clap for us as we're here. But like your little baby doll,
37:49
I mean, I just you think about the things that happened to us
37:52
from a traumatic perspective in our lives over our years. You don't expect it
37:55
to happen, or certainly not want it to happen right out of the gates
38:00
when you're first born, like they're already given a rough map at birth,
38:04
you know, and you know, really being my I have a nephew of
38:08
mine who was born premature, and he was a little little baby doll.
38:12
He was like the size of a dollar bill, you know. And in
38:15
the nick you and all of the pictures of the tubes and all of that
38:17
stuff, and you know, it's a scary place to be and you had
38:21
to keep your sobriety throughout all of this, did you. Yeah? Yeah,
38:25
how hard was that for you to do? I don't know it was,
38:30
you know. I just I knew it wasn't an auction for me,
38:34
and I knew I've known, you know. I told a buddy once that
38:37
I was in I was born resilient. I believe we all are born resilient.
38:45
And I tapped into mind and I know that everything I go through I
38:50
will be able to get back up. I know that. I don't know
38:53
how long it will take me. But I know I can handle anything,
38:59
just because I've seen a lot they've had, been a part of a lot
39:02
of things that are scary, and I'm still here. But it's all it's
39:07
all on how you look at it. You know you're here for you're not
39:10
here for a very long time. Life doesn't care how you feel like life
39:15
itself. A lot of people do get the problem. A lot of people
39:20
do, like there's so many people that you don't even know that care for
39:22
you. People love you, people that matter, even strangers, they care
39:25
for you. But life doesn't care of the situations that you're going through.
39:30
But those situations that you go through, you got to learn from them.
39:35
You got to accept them, but you gotta sit with them, don't ignore
39:37
them, because you know, I realized that, you know, one of
39:40
the things that I'm not good at is or too good at. Let's say
39:45
it is death, having a best friend pass away, my grandfather passing away,
39:50
my cousin passing away. And I was like, you know, I'm
39:54
accepting these too fast as being a part of life. So when I say
40:00
accept things as they are, you got to accept them, but you got
40:02
to deal with them as well. And I've recently realized that I'm accepting them
40:07
too quick and that I probably should talk about them personally myself. Because then
40:12
I got into that and I said, okay, well it's life. Whatever.
40:15
Well it's it's life, but you still got to sit with your feelings.
40:17
You gotta acknowledge them, and you got to start that healing journey.
40:21
But it's just with the things that I've gone through, it's I know that
40:23
I can't drink. Well, I don't say can. I know I shouldn't.
40:28
I don't want to say can, I can do whatever. Yeah,
40:30
that's true. I'm a person if I don't drink. Did you find that
40:37
alcohol or drugs were more of your to your detriment? Was it more of
40:40
the alcohol that did it or was it more of a cocaine kinde of things.
40:44
I'm just curious, you know, probably the alcohol for sure, because
40:49
I wouldn't turn it off with cocaine. It actually made me more oh going,
40:53
almostly, I'd liked it. Well, that's what it does. I'd
40:57
like to talk. But also with ADHD it calms you down a little bit.
41:00
It's a little different. Yeah, that doesn't have a right. Yes,
41:04
I'm glad that you pointed that out. Yeah, that has. So
41:07
the drug acts a little same thing with caffeine. It acts a little different
41:13
and same with cocaine. If you have. It actually calmed me down a
41:15
little bit. I mean, I'm still liked super I'm still gacking out and
41:21
chewing my mouth off, but other than my tongue out of my mouth,
41:23
but I'm super chill. I'm to be around. That's a lie. I'm
41:29
the only one that ever said I was pleasant to be around. I just
41:31
did a ton of home improvement projects when I used cocaine back in the day.
41:37
I'm like at home depot with my best friend at the time, and
41:40
we're like, let's go, it's five a m. Where are the people
41:44
We're going to the home depot right now? Oh I didn't even want to
41:46
be in public anymore. Oh God, Well you get to that point.
41:51
Yeah, absolutely, for sure, because at one point myself, Yeah,
41:54
absolutely, And I mean that's the introvert in us too. I'm a total
41:58
homebody. You would know, I guess it. And over the years it's
42:00
gotten a little worse just because of my mobility issues. But yeah, when
42:05
you're hiding from yourself, of course, you're going to hide from other people
42:09
like you've got and you say in the book about the tinfoil over your windows
42:13
and living in the dark and doing that. I work in the dark,
42:15
so I always I am a little light sensitive, and so when I can,
42:20
I like turn the lights off and I work in the dark. And
42:22
so but yeah, maybe there's a little bit of that in the back of
42:24
my mind that likes to hide up in my cave in here. I don't
42:27
know. So, but you were able to stay sober, which is amazing.
42:30
So okay, so let's I know that we're creeping on time here,
42:32
So let's talk a little bit about you've got yourself through all of this,
42:37
and so you decided you're sober. You've got your babies, you've got your
42:39
wife, you've got your family, you've got all these things are back into
42:43
place as best as they can be. I mean, we all lack in
42:45
some places, guys. So you know that perfectionism thing doesn't work, It
42:47
doesn't exist, doesn't exist. Don't try to be a people pleaser anymore.
42:52
Don't try to be a perfectionist anymore. It doesn't work. So now you've
42:54
moved into you're an inspirational coach and teacher and speaker and all these things.
42:59
Can you talk a little bit about what you're doing now to kind of pay
43:01
it forward, because I think that's what you're doing a really good job doing.
43:05
Oh well, yeah, I'm definitely trying. And don't get me wrong,
43:08
I still struggle, like I can still have bouts of depression. Sure,
43:13
we're human. I'm trying to give back the best that could from a
43:15
world that I you know, I feel like I took so much from because
43:17
I was a mess and I wasn't the greatest person all the time, and
43:21
I did whatever I com to fulfill my needs if I'm in steal or lie.
43:25
So now I go around to schools and businesses and organizations and sports teams,
43:30
and I speak on the power of your mental health and how it may
43:32
lead to things like substance use. And what I do is I take them
43:35
through a journey of my story. But I have things I talk about with
43:38
my three a's that admit the problem except internally ask for help. I talk
43:43
about how you know, what helped me the most was finding my why and
43:45
my son reframing my thoughts to being instead of being any so we can have
43:51
a better dad. I've become that dad right, and how you know if
43:53
you can't see yourself as your why, which one hundredercent you are your why?
43:58
You find something because you know what, It all comes back on you.
44:00
You know, I got better for him, I got better for me
44:01
your why? If you do something for something, it always comes back on
44:06
you because you end up gaining it. And then one day, hopefully you
44:07
see that you are your own why. And then I talk about you know
44:12
the importance of self love. You know love that person is staring back into
44:15
the mirror. Having compassion for yourself and others. And mental health is very
44:17
real and just does not discriminate, doesn't care your age, race, gender,
44:21
what you do for learning, how much money you have in the bank,
44:22
how big, how strong you think you are, It can affect either
44:24
you are the ones on your l you love. And then the importance of
44:28
your internal dialogue because a person you spend the most time within this lifetime is
44:31
yourself. You know. It's not a dog, it's not a your spouse,
44:36
it's not your friends, not your family, It is yourself. So
44:38
that therefore the most conversations you will ever have with yourself is with yourself.
44:43
Sorry, and you know they say, up to eighty percent of your thoughts
44:45
can be repetitive, they can be negative. So your thoughts are powerful.
44:49
So I tell people to be weary of their thoughts because not all thoughts are
44:53
facts. That you will have thoughts in your brain that you make up that
44:59
you believe are true, but there's no facts surrounding them, right, So
45:04
it's paying attention to your thoughts. And then you know, I speak on
45:07
the power, you know, personal awareness and choices. We as people have
45:13
one thing in common, you know that really sticks out, and that's choices,
45:15
the power to choose, the power to make decisions. We choose the
45:19
life we live. We may not choose our certain circumstances, right, But
45:24
you know I talk about you know, I chose to keep using, I
45:29
chose to not accept help, but I chose to and I chose to use
45:32
over feeling. Right. But I also let them know that if you choose
45:36
using over feeling, it could be the last choice you ever make. And
45:38
hence why I lost the best friend and you know, my cousin. But
45:42
go around and I speak on like basically all that I speak on inclusion,
45:46
you know, having you know, having a daughter with Down syndrome, I've
45:50
been very fortunate that I've done a lot of things, accomplished a lot of
45:52
things, worked at a lot of places in my life. I have a
45:54
big relatability factor to a lot of people, so I want to be able
45:58
to you know. I was very fortunate that when I came out of rehab
46:01
that the restaurant I worked for gave me a chance. They knew of my
46:05
past, like I was open, Like listen, I'm an alcoholic, but
46:07
i'm drug addict. You know, I'm depressed, And they gave me a
46:12
chance, and three years later they hired me to be their general manager.
46:15
Now they hired me to run a Facebook page for them. They would actually
46:19
pay all their staff to get a coaching session from me. That's how good
46:22
the owners are. Yeah, it's it's incredible from a business, and it's
46:28
all because of somebody gave me a choice. So may included me into their
46:32
decisions. And I hope somebody one day sees my daughter because that her disability
46:38
is an ability somewhere else. Oh, it's one ability. I mean,
46:44
it's I mean beautiful, and especially nowadays, we've got such better tools and
46:49
resources and help for down's community. I've got a girlfriend of mine who's got
46:52
a down's daughter, and you know she's so good to her. She's got
46:55
her own little Instagram page. You know. It's just like I thinkclusion is
47:00
so incredibly important, and that goes with all of us because we all are
47:04
a little down. You know, we all need a little bit more of
47:07
a pick me up. We all need more help than we actually think that
47:09
we do. We do. We can't do this life on our own.
47:13
We're not meant to be humans alone. We're supposed to be connected. We're
47:16
supposed to build relationships. We're supposed to fall in love. We're supposed to
47:20
make babies or make dogs. You watch your mouth about the dog. You
47:24
watch your mouth about the dog things. I'm going to make so many baby
47:28
dogs. It's just going to be unbelievable. I do, I do.
47:35
I don't have children, and I'm not going to knock on wood, God
47:38
bless America. No, it's just it's such a wonderful story of perseverance and
47:45
resilience, and we've all got that grit up. Mock sianist, you know,
47:49
I certainly do. I know you do, and I just I'm so
47:52
grateful to have met you and to meet you today and connect with you,
47:57
and I just I just adore you. So let's talk about your book.
48:00
So your book really quick. I want to do a quick shout out to
48:02
you guys. The Chasing Shadows, fighting the monster within. It is so
48:07
incredible, guys. You know. He opens up the book with an acknowledgment
48:10
in the beginning. It says, to those we have lost to suicide and
48:14
substance abuse, you are not forgotten. And to all the people who showed
48:16
me love even when I couldn't, thank you. And I just love that
48:21
because, you know, it is a message of showing love and that's something
48:24
that I feel like we need to do a little bit more of. We
48:27
get so caught up and we forget how incredible we are and we're both crying.
48:35
So there you go, oh bullshit, Yeah yeah, yeah, I
48:44
just crank the heat up on you. Nice try. So you know,
48:46
we we thank you. We thank you to those that love us and that
48:51
have been there to support us and to lift us up out of our dark
48:53
and twisty places, and who have helped us fight the monsters. And it's
49:00
one of the reasons that I started this show, and it's one of the
49:01
reasons I'm so blessed to have you on the show and be part of my
49:05
life now. Justin, so thank you, thank you so much for yeah,
49:10
trying to snuck up on us. Sorry about that. That's like all
49:15
I was trying to look at my eyes in the video. I'm like,
49:16
you see that they're going beat red. I've got the tissues out. Never
49:22
there's a whole thing over here, guys, I don't have issues credit a
49:27
podcast. Well, this is why I'm here. I bring up my best
49:30
and well, thank you so much for your time here today. Tell us
49:36
where we can find you, Justin. You can find me at www dot
49:40
justinbriyan dot com. That's b R I E n dot com, at Justin
49:45
Brian nineteen, on Instagram at Justin inspiration, on TikTok. If you want
49:51
a book that will teach you around mental health substance use, that is it's
49:54
like a work book. I took everything I learned in personal development in rehab.
49:58
I put questions at the end of it every chapter for you. It's
50:00
more than an autobiography because I want to be more than a story and I
50:04
want you to learn. Well, thank you so much, and guys,
50:07
check out he's on Instagram, he's on Facebook, he's on LinkedIn, his
50:09
website. Like he said, Justin Brian, it's b our Ie and he
50:13
has he has to make everything complicated. He's got his book Chasing Shadows,
50:17
Fighting the Monster with and and also please tune into his brand new podcast,
50:21
The Stronger You Project. Thank you again for your time today and our tears
50:24
and our laughter what life's all about. Thanks for having me. You are
50:29
exclusively invited to share this being more than a story VIP pain journey together.
50:35
Let us get to the heart of how to heal with you by my side.
50:38
Do you know anyone who is living in and with chronic pain or is
50:42
dealing with suicidal tendencies or addiction issues. If you do, please send them
50:45
here to The Pain Game Podcast and to Justin Brian. We would love to
50:49
connect with you them and hear their heartfelt stories of strength, wisdom, grit
50:53
and moxie. Right, I'd love to have my community of listeners help drive
50:58
more traffic to my show and to so that we can continue to help others
51:01
on their journeys through pain and trauma together. Please follow The Pain Game Podcast
51:06
wherever you digest your podcast content. We will be there. Visit us at
51:09
the paygamepodcast dot com and follow us on all the socials. Thanks for listening
51:15
to my little VIPs. Catch you on the other side.