Latest / The Parenting Podcast / What to Do When They Rebel and are Still at Home (Pt. 2) | Ep. 65

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What to Do When They Rebel and are Still at Home (Pt. 2) | Ep. 65 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:05
  I'm so glad you're here at the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:09
  I'm your host, she Lang, and I'm really excited about today's episode.
• 0:14
  Now listen in whatever's the stage of your parenting, I think this is a conversation you aren't going to want to miss.
• 0:22
  The TPP team of Christie Dne Ellen and myself have been dealing with the issue of what to do when our children.
• 0:31
  Still home underage, and they rebel in a particular way with conduct that needs to be addressed.
• 0:37
  The example we grabbed is smoking marijuana.
• 0:41
  The original conversation was so meaty, but also long.
• 0:45
  So we posted the first part last week and finished up here.
• 0:49
  Rather than jump in mid-sentence, I'm gonna cut us up just a little bit at first and then get right back into the conversation about what would he want to do in the midst of these hard conflicts.
• 1:11
  Cheryl: let's look at not are grown children, But Children in her home and when they choose.
• 1:18
  Cheryl: To walk into something that is against a core value or a family practice mm-hmm or what we expected of them.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Previously, when we talked about it, we were more kind of philosophical mm-hmm about, um, preferences versus values and all of that.
• 1:36
  Cheryl: And some people have asked us and come let's come back to it.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: Maybe a little more practical.
• 1:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:42
  Christie: Oh, Okay.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: And so let's look at that.
• 1:44
  Cheryl: Let's talk about it like when it happens, what would we recommend doing mm-hmm we're not saying there aren't consequences to things.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: Right?
• 1:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 1:53
  Christie: mm-hmm And so we have to going back to that, listening mm-hmm and asking good questions of where they are at, what their reality is at their
• 2:01
  Cheryl: age.
• 2:03
  Ellen: That's really hard when we feel disappointed, but we have to get over that cuz we're the adult.
• 2:09
  Ellen: And those are the things that you keep private within yourself.
• 2:13
  Ellen: When you work your own disappointment out, you don't work it towards.
• 2:16
  Ellen: The the kid at the time.
• 2:19
  Ellen: Oh, that might be a discussion down the road.
• 2:21
  Ellen: Mm-hmm as you're working through this multi-layered conversation, but you don't wanna dump that all on them at once.
• 2:28
  Ellen: That might be two weeks down the road and saying, oh, I was really surprised that you know, that you decided to do that at the party.
• 2:36
  Ellen: You know, I didn't think you would do something
• 2:38
  Cheryl: like that.
• 2:38
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:39
  Cheryl: So maybe what you're saying.
• 2:41
  Cheryl: A phased response.
• 2:43
  Ellen: Yeah, that's good.
• 2:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm okay.
• 2:45
  Cheryl: But the first phase is when.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: boom.
• 2:48
  Cheryl: Yeah, the emotion of it.
• 2:49
  Cheryl: We're in it.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm, we're surprised when you're in the emotions.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: Not when we have the good conversation.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so maybe that's a limited conversation where you're listening.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but not a lot of dialogue.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:00
  Danae: Yeah.
• 3:01
  Cheryl: I think come back to a second phase.
• 3:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm where now we're gonna go in.
• 3:05
  Cheryl: When I have myself under control.
• 3:08
  Cheryl: My emotions mm-hmm and now let's have a good conversation.
• 3:11
  Ellen: It's not a one time.
• 3:13
  Ellen: Let's fix it at this moment.
• 3:14
  Ellen: No, it is an ongoing conversation.
• 3:17
  Ellen: That should be going deep.
• 3:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 3:19
  Danae: so what I'm not hearing you say is this is a great time to give a lecture, right?
• 3:25
  Christie: you have to tell them the things they already know that you believe.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: So you were talking about having that good conversation.
• 3:32
  Cheryl: So let's say I'm coming to you.
• 3:35
  Cheryl: Give me some suggestions.
• 3:37
  Cheryl: What should I be bringing to this conversation in this phase two?
• 3:42
  Cheryl: Where now we're gonna sit down and talk about it.
• 3:45
  Christie: Well, I think first.
• 3:46
  Christie: You want to affirm your love for them?
• 3:49
  Danae: Yeah
• 3:49
  Christie: Oh.
• 3:49
  Christie: And, let them know if, if there is a lecture, it's a lecture of my love for you and my, my, um, empathy for where you are.
• 3:59
  Christie: Mm-hmm, growing up as a human in new circumstances and dealing with new temptations and maybe new friends and new environments and asking, you know, where, where were you that mentally or in your heart?
• 4:15
  Christie: That this is the choice you've made.
• 4:17
  Christie: Mm-hmm and get to the root of the issue.
• 4:20
  Christie: Mm-hmm and empathize.
• 4:22
  Christie: And, and maybe even, you know, in that time share a personal story of, yeah, gosh, I remember being 17 and faced in that situation and this is how I blew it or how I, you know, handled it.
• 4:33
  Christie: Mm-hmm and
• 4:34
  Ellen: sometimes they don't even know why they've done it because that's part of being a teenager.
• 4:38
  Ellen: You kind of sometimes just do things.
• 4:40
  Ellen: So this gives them the opportunity to kind of, you know, well, maybe you need some time to think about it, not in a mean way, but just, you know, maybe you need to think through, well, why did I make that choice?
• 4:50
  Danae: Yeah.
• 4:50
  Danae: Yeah, because I think we would handle it differently, you know, for different reasons in those circumstance.
• 4:57
  Danae: Are they, are they doing it just for fun and haven't really thought of the consequences.
• 5:02
  Danae: Yeah.
• 5:02
  Danae: Are they taking part.
• 5:05
  Danae: With their friends, because they're, they're feeling pressured.
• 5:08
  Danae: Mm-hmm and they're wanting approval from their friends, you know, is there, is there a deeper issue that this substance is helping them cope with the anxiety of school and that they're not doing well with friends?
• 5:22
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 5:22
  Danae: And so this substance is, is helping them feel better.
• 5:26
  Danae: Yeah.
• 5:26
  Danae: You know, if we give them the time and we really listen to what's going on in their lives, Then we'll know how to approach this.
• 5:33
  Danae: I think you would handle each one of those circumstances very differently.
• 5:37
  Danae: Yeah.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: that's really good That goes back to that, developing that fertile feel of being the safe place, where they can process, even when it stays opposed mm-hmm to what our value is.
• 5:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:53
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:53
  Ellen: And we're, laying a foundation.
• 5:56
  Ellen: for our children when they enter adulthood to start thinking about why do I do this?
• 6:00
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:00
  Ellen: Mm-hmm because I mean, here I am in my sixties and I still ask myself, why did I just do that?
• 6:06
  Ellen: right, right.
• 6:07
  Ellen: And it's, and I have to think through, yeah.
• 6:09
  Ellen: Why did I
• 6:09
  Christie: do that?
• 6:10
  Christie: And that's that coming side by side, equipping them for adulthood.
• 6:14
  Christie: Rather than shaming them.
• 6:16
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:16
  Christie: You've disappointed me.
• 6:17
  Christie: You've let our family down.
• 6:19
  Christie: You've gone against everything we believe in, you know, all of that is, is not helpful.
• 6:23
  Yeah.
• 6:23
  Cheryl: There's somebody that's really helped me and he teaches on parenting and life and things.
• 6:29
  Cheryl: And one of the things he says is in parenting, we need to remember our children are a whole lot more like us.
• 6:36
  Cheryl: rather than unlike us.
• 6:38
  Cheryl: Mm mm-hmm and the same thing, what you're just saying, rather than saying you are like this and I'm like this to say, we all struggle.
• 6:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, my struggle's a little different mm-hmm but this is a struggle mm-hmm can I walk alongside of you?
• 6:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm disregarding what I may have to do as a parent mm-hmm in dealing with this mm-hmm mm-hmm but we're not saying there aren't consequences to things.
• 7:01
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 7:02
  Ellen: Right.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: but human to.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: let's walk along this cuz we all struggle.
• 7:07
  Cheryl: I will say that's another part of the reason that I didn't do this as well as I absolutely wish I had and would do now.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: I wish I would handle it all better.
• 7:18
  Cheryl: Is that lie of.
• 7:20
  Cheryl: if we just do it a certain way, it's gonna work out.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: Like I said, the good parenting and good kids out also like baking a
• 7:27
  Ellen: cake, we're gonna put stuff in and get a good result.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: Or the philosophy of kind of school kind of taught me this, you work hard.
• 7:38
  Cheryl: You're diligent all of this, you get the good grade mm-hmm And that if we really put ourself into something, we're all gonna turn the corner.
• 7:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and it's gonna be success.
• 7:47
  Danae: Yeah.
• 7:48
  Danae: You know, I think now we're kind of joking sometimes when we say don't take it personally.
• 7:55
  Danae: But I think for me, you know, that root of the don't take it personally is I must be doing something wrong.
• 8:02
  Danae: Yeah.
• 8:03
  Danae: Yeah.
• 8:03
  Danae: You know, kinda like if your cake doesn't turn out, you're like, shoot, I must have messed up.
• 8:07
  Danae: I must have not put in an ingredient.
• 8:09
  Danae: And that's how I have felt in my parenting a lot.
• 8:11
  Danae: Yes.
• 8:11
  Danae: What, which ingredient did I miss instead of realizing.
• 8:15
  Danae: What, what you all are saying of that.
• 8:17
  Danae: This is part of being human.
• 8:19
  Danae: This is part of growing up.
• 8:21
  Danae: That life is
• 8:22
  Ellen: really hard.
• 8:23
  Ellen: Mm-hmm and it's really painful.
• 8:24
  Ellen: Let's not take away from no when our kids.
• 8:28
  Ellen: Go off a path that we wanted to see them on.
• 8:31
  Ellen: Mm-hmm for their own good mm-hmm not for our egos.
• 8:33
  Ellen: Right.
• 8:34
  Ellen: It's very painful.
• 8:35
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 8:35
  Ellen: And it's very hard and it's very hard to stay in that place where you try to be objective and not have all your emotions on your sleeve mm-hmm and things like that.
• 8:45
  Ellen: Because there are circumstances.
• 8:47
  Ellen: Sometimes our children do hurt us very
• 8:49
  Cheryl: deeply.
• 8:49
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and Ellen, that's the place where I think there's the wisdom of sharing.
• 8:57
  Cheryl: with someone that's gonna be able to speak into it.
• 9:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I really believe we should protect our children's privacy.
• 9:03
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:04
  Cheryl: And confidentiality mm-hmm to a place, but like what you just said, I don't wanna be isolated mm-hmm and not have any, anyone of loving wisdom.
• 9:15
  Cheryl: speaking into my life.
• 9:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so there's a place where there's a friend, a good friend, not a group, a friend, right?
• 9:21
  Cheryl: A good friend or a pastor mm-hmm or maybe even a counselor, if you need it or your medical doctor mm-hmm Yeah, but it's appropriate to reach out for wise counsel and also.
• 9:35
  Cheryl: To model for our children.
• 9:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:37
  Cheryl: We don't live and isolation in life.
• 9:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:39
  Cheryl: We need good wise people who love us to come alongside.
• 9:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:43
  Cheryl: I
• 9:43
  Danae: wanna say to encourage everyone, please.
• 9:46
  Danae: Parents, if you're feeling isolated.
• 9:49
  Danae: Yeah.
• 9:49
  Danae: Please reach out.
• 9:51
  Danae: Mm-hmm you know, for me, I know it would be pride.
• 9:55
  Danae: Right.
• 9:55
  Danae: You know, to admit to someone that one of my children is, is doing something that, you know, Feel like is wrong or maybe the majority of my community, you know, would be thought of as bad or wrong, and they're not being a good kid or something.
• 10:11
  Danae: Mm-hmm So please overcome that pride and, and reach out and maybe feeling, um, isolated yourself
• 10:18
  Ellen: and make sure it's a safe.
• 10:19
  Ellen: Place.
• 10:20
  Ellen: Yes.
• 10:20
  Ellen: Mm-hmm because sometimes your peer girl might not be the safe place.
• 10:23
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:24
  Ellen: Because then, you know, they're kinda like, oh, well, your kid's doing that.
• 10:27
  Ellen: Mm-hmm you know, and it makes you feel worse, but it's nice.
• 10:29
  Ellen: If everyone could have someone a little older than them, mm-hmm that's walked through it.
• 10:34
  Ellen: I know that helped me a lot.
• 10:35
  Ellen: I had a couple of older friends that were more like my mom's age mm-hmm and, um, you.
• 10:41
  Ellen: Being able to talk to them or somebody that's can be neutral.
• 10:45
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 10:45
  Ellen: Because you know, you're so hurt.
• 10:47
  Ellen: You're, you're struggling.
• 10:48
  Ellen: You have so many emotions you want that neutral person in there that can kind of help you sift through all that's going on.
• 10:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm neutral, but wise.
• 10:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:57
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:58
  Cheryl: Not a cheerleader.
• 10:59
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 11:00
  Cheryl: But a true friend.
• 11:01
  Christie: Yes.
• 11:02
  Christie: Well, and why is an objective?
• 11:03
  Christie: Right?
• 11:03
  Christie: Because it might need to be somebody you can even ask your child's input on this.
• 11:08
  Christie: Like who could we invite into this conversation to be objective mm-hmm that's mediate for us where I may get wrapped up in my emotions.
• 11:16
  Christie: I wanna love you.
• 11:16
  Christie: Well, and walk through this in a healthy way.
• 11:20
  Danae: Yeah.
• 11:20
  Danae: Mm-hmm yeah, that's good.
• 11:22
  Danae: I think also.
• 11:23
  Danae: Moms and dads being on the same page.
• 11:27
  Danae: Mm-hmm, talking about it.
• 11:30
  Danae: Um, this not being something that could then be divisive between the parents is huge.
• 11:37
  Danae: Mm-hmm mm-hmm, you know, we've heard the term United front, you know, um, that can be really get really sticky and.
• 11:45
  Danae: Messy.
• 11:46
  Danae: If the, the parents are now arguing about what's going on with the teenager.
• 11:52
  Danae: Right.
• 11:52
  Danae: And so spend that time that, that due diligence there to,
• 11:57
  Ellen: and that's a whole nother conversation.
• 11:59
  Ellen: Mm-hmm is when parents don't agree.
• 12:01
  Ellen: Mm-hmm yeah, because that is really hard.
• 12:03
  Ellen: Mm-hmm
• 12:03
  Cheryl: and I think we should.
• 12:05
  Cheryl: Respectful and protect the privacy of this individual.
• 12:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm in the way we approach the rest of the family, the other siblings mm-hmm because they're living life together.
• 12:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, just boy does that have to be handled with grace and love and wisdom mm-hmm
• 12:20
  Danae: and we have to watch our own attitude.
• 12:22
  Danae: Mm-hmm you know, and not say.
• 12:24
  Danae: To the younger siblings, like, well, right, your brother did, or your sister,
• 12:30
  Christie: you know?
• 12:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:30
  Christie: We had our older girls, um, you know, AF after they would move out of the house, maybe make different choices than what we made in our home.
• 12:38
  Christie: Mm-hmm and they were light things in comparison to what the grand scheme of life can be, you know, food or clothing.
• 12:45
  Christie: And it, it is very challenging.
• 12:47
  Christie: Mm-hmm when the younger siblings.
• 12:49
  Christie: Well, she's doing this and we're not, you know, allowed to do that here.
• 12:53
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:53
  Christie: But yeah, watching your tone and your she's
• 12:57
  Ellen: watching that show, we were never allowed to
• 12:59
  Christie: watch.
• 13:00
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:01
  Christie: not Shaming them..
• 13:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm Yeah.
• 13:04
  Cheryl: So let's circle back to that convers.
• 13:07
  Cheryl: okay.
• 13:08
  Cheryl: What are some other things like that?
• 13:09
  Cheryl: You mean what we would actually say in the conversation so we can love them, but parent them
• 13:16
  Christie: so we're talking about maybe the first time you find out about something a child's done one act, but what about when it's something habitual and continual that mm-hmm They're just not budging on yeah.
• 13:29
  Christie: It's against your value system as a family, but they are not.
• 13:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:33
  Ellen: Marijuana is not illegal.
• 13:35
  Ellen: And I wanna do it right when I go to parties.
• 13:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 13:38
  Christie: So how, how do we handle
• 13:39
  Cheryl: that?
• 13:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm what would be the conversation?
• 13:41
  Cheryl: What would you recommend?
• 13:43
  Danae: know, I think a way to talk back to your values, which they probably already know mm-hmm you know, assuming that this is something you've talked about, let's say drug use mm-hmm you know, um, I think it's a time you can still say this is not what.
• 13:59
  Danae: Is best for you.
• 14:01
  Danae: Um, I'd like to discuss this more about the consequences of smoking marijuana, you know, and then take that time to go through.
• 14:10
  Danae: I mean, goodness, there's a lot of information out there, a lot of
• 14:12
  Ellen: statistics and a lot of, and that they're open to it cause they may just go, no, I already know mm-hmm I don't care.
• 14:19
  Ellen: And then what do you do?
• 14:21
  Ellen: cause that's when you hold things very loosely I mean, you know, we have younger children in the home or just all the things that we know can go wrong, driving all just the practical, everyday consequences of their choice.
• 14:36
  Cheryl: In all of this, we need to be taking to account whether we're talking about a 11, 12 year old or 16, 17 year old, right.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Because it's a different situation.
• 14:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:47
  Cheryl: personally maturity and, um, releasing wise mm-hmm
• 14:52
  Ellen: Mm-hmm exactly Mm-hmm and then we have to decide how do we handle that within our family?
• 14:58
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 14:58
  Ellen: And
• 14:58
  Cheryl: I think.
• 15:00
  Cheryl: that answer.
• 15:00
  Cheryl: Isn't gonna show up here on this
• 15:02
  Danae: podcast.
• 15:02
  Danae: Mm-hmm that's a personal family,
• 15:05
  Ellen: Yeah
• 15:05
  Cheryl: That's where we go back to, what do we really believe?
• 15:09
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:09
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:10
  Ellen: Yeah
• 15:10
  Cheryl: How are we going to do this?
• 15:11
  Cheryl: And how
• 15:12
  Ellen: do we deal with it when it happens?
• 15:14
  Ellen: Right?
• 15:14
  Ellen: Think through this.
• 15:15
  Ellen: Scenario before it happens.
• 15:17
  Ellen: Mm-hmm you know, it's kinda like military preparedness.
• 15:20
  Ellen: You're always ready for the enemy to strike mm-hmm it doesn't mean you're sitting there with your finger on the button.
• 15:26
  Ellen: Mm-hmm but you're always alert and aware and it's the same way with teenager.
• 15:30
  Ellen: We have to be alert.
• 15:32
  Ellen: I mean, I think the thing that always caught me off guard is when I just assumed.
• 15:36
  Ellen: One of my kids wouldn't do that.
• 15:37
  Ellen: Right.
• 15:39
  Christie: And it's like, oh, and that goes back to what we've been saying through this whole series of intentionality.
• 15:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:44
  Christie: And, and planning ahead.
• 15:46
  Christie: And I think bottom line though, even though it is very personal, we're.
• 15:51
  Christie: Affirming them as a person mm-hmm, fighting for relationship, keeping our end of the bridge empty mm-hmm so that they can come to us.
• 15:58
  Christie: Honestly, when these things
• 16:00
  Ellen: come up and think through your consequences, cuz you were kind of talking about that today.
• 16:04
  Ellen: Mm-hmm I think if you already have in the back of your mind, Some consequences for different things and how you're gonna handle it.
• 16:11
  Ellen: And of course, sometimes different kids are different is how, what bothers them for a consequence mm-hmm But I think that's always a handy thing rather than you're grounded for the rest of your life.
• 16:20
  Ellen: Mm-hmm right.
• 16:21
  Christie: Mm-hmm and reiterating that it's a consequence for them.
• 16:25
  Christie: Mm-hmm to help them.
• 16:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm not well, Kid of mine is going to
• 16:30
  Ellen: be right.
• 16:30
  Ellen: It's not a punishment, right?
• 16:32
  Ellen: It's a
• 16:32
  Danae: consequence.
• 16:33
  Danae: Yeah.
• 16:33
  Danae: My daughter was telling me about a 17 year old that was talking to her about some problems she's having with her family and some choices she was making her parents pretty much locked her down.
• 16:48
  Danae: I mean, she's not able to go to the house.
• 16:49
  Danae: They took the door off of her bedroom.
• 16:52
  Danae: You know, they really went, went extreme on some consequences.
• 16:57
  Danae: Guess what the 17 year old is saying.
• 17:01
  Danae: I can't can't wait, wait to go.
• 17:02
  Danae: His house to turn
• 17:03
  Ellen: 18.
• 17:04
  Ellen: Yeah, I know how many windows I broke out of as a teenager when I got locked in my room.
• 17:09
  Ellen: So
• 17:09
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 17:10
  Cheryl: so this is why it has to be that old bounce of yeah.
• 17:14
  Cheryl: Gray and truth.
• 17:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, the tension that's gonna be there.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: there are places where you have to draw.
• 17:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm a really hard line.
• 17:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:23
  Cheryl: And particularly when they're underage in your home.
• 17:26
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm as a parent I may have to draw that hard line but I'm telling you, I would want to let those grave consequences.
• 17:37
  Cheryl: be the last decision mm-hmm after everything else and I, and to go to wise people and have their input.
• 17:45
  Ellen: And if you have a child, that's at a place where they're not cooperative and they're being rebellious, you'd rather have them have the consequences while you they're living in your home.
• 17:55
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:55
  Ellen: Mm.
• 17:55
  Ellen: Then when they're on their own and it involves police or really heavy consequences.
• 18:01
  Ellen: Right.
• 18:02
  Ellen: Mm-hmm so you really want your kid to do their bad stuff while they're still living it home.
• 18:08
  Christie: be glad they're getting it out of their system.
• 18:10
  Christie: Oh, goodness.
• 18:11
  Cheryl: But we're not saying subsidize it now.
• 18:13
  Cheryl: No,
• 18:14
  Ellen: not at all.
• 18:14
  Ellen: Just yeah.
• 18:15
  Ellen: But, but when it happens, be thankful that it's happening now in your home.
• 18:20
  Ellen: Yes.
• 18:20
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:20
  Ellen: where you have influence on your child as opposed to when they've moved out and now they have to pay the consequences that society gives them.
• 18:27
  Cheryl: Yeah Right.
• 18:28
  Cheryl: Because it's not the actions that are the issue.
• 18:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm it's our children's hearts.
• 18:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:34
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 18:34
  Cheryl: And so we want to love that heart.
• 18:37
  Cheryl: Try to keep that relationship.
• 18:40
  Cheryl: And our influence.
• 18:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:41
  Cheryl: In the midst of the sticky icky part of dealing with
• 18:45
  Danae: issues.
• 18:45
  Danae: Mm-hmm mm-hmm yeah.
• 18:46
  Danae: For our children, our young children, our teenagers, our young adults.
• 18:52
  Danae: We want them to know that we're on their side.
• 18:55
  Danae: We are for them we're we're in their corner at all times.
• 18:59
  Ellen: Mm-hmm yes, because the police don't care why you did what you did.
• 19:03
  Ellen: you know, you broke the
• 19:05
  Christie: law.
• 19:05
  Christie: Right.
• 19:05
  Christie: You know, on the other side, Getting them to adulthood and launching them.
• 19:10
  Christie: They are more than likely going to have some variant of living opposing to our values.
• 19:17
  Christie: I mean, in some degree or another, yeah.
• 19:19
  Christie: Mm-hmm and so fighting for that relationship, mm-hmm, all the way through and making that the first priority so that when we get there, when they finally make it to adulthood, we still
• 19:29
  Cheryl: have
• 19:30
  Christie: that relationship
• 19:31
  Cheryl: Absolutely Yes.
• 19:33
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:33
  Ellen: Yeah
• 19:33
  Cheryl: well that's because, and I think even of the deepest health values I have.
• 19:38
  Cheryl: I really don't want an adult.
• 19:40
  Cheryl: Who's doing it out of Yeah.
• 19:41
  Cheryl: Out of obligation or legalism mm-hmm I want them to embrace that value in the core of their target in that dead side.
• 19:52
  Cheryl: Bullseye mm-hmm And so if it's all superficial.
• 19:56
  Cheryl: then it's not gonna get there.
• 19:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm no, and that's what, because we want to love them.
• 20:00
  Cheryl: Well, for them to become the people that God can help them to be mm-hmm that's right.
• 20:05
  Ellen: That's really good.
• 20:06
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 20:06
  Ellen: It's true And sometimes we do have to reevaluate our values.
• 20:10
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:11
  Ellen: You know, you know, this is what I thought and how he's gonna handle it, but you know, now situation circumstances are a little different mm-hmm it doesn't mean you, you throw out.
• 20:21
  Ellen: You believe is morally and ethically, right.
• 20:23
  Ellen: But you might think, well, you know, maybe I don't need to be so firm about this thing that I thought was really important.
• 20:30
  Ellen: Mm-hmm and I mean that for me, I know I still do that.
• 20:33
  Ellen: I do a lot of evaluation.
• 20:35
  Ellen: Do I still hold this value?
• 20:37
  Ellen: Do I think it's still important?
• 20:39
  Ellen: If, and then how do we need to change it a little bit as.
• 20:43
  Ellen: External things change.
• 20:45
  Ellen: Do I need to adapt to something or have I just stuck my heels in and that's it that's really?
• 20:50
  Danae: Yeah.
• 20:50
  Danae: I really agree with that.
• 20:52
  Danae: And I've, I've told my children, this, the, the children that have been harder for me are the ones that have helped me grow the most.
• 21:03
  Danae: I'm so thankful for, for the challenges that they've brought to me because it's helped me do what you're saying.
• 21:09
  Danae: Ellen.
• 21:10
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 21:11
  Cheryl: Isn't that interesting that the challenges of parenting are helping us to become better people.
• 21:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:18
  Cheryl: If we use it that way.
• 21:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:20
  Cheryl: Wonderful.
• 21:20
  Cheryl: And again, we're out of time.
• 21:23
  Cheryl: What amazing input and wisdom from y'all A really hard parenting topic Mm-hmm
• 21:29
  Danae: Hmm.
• 21:30
  Danae: Yeah.,
• 21:31
  Cheryl: So until next time, listeners hang in there.
• 21:35
  Cheryl: Keep loving.
• 21:36
  Cheryl: Keep persevering because it's worth it.