Latest / Deep Thoughts / You don’t lack self-control — you lack alignment

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You don’t lack self-control — you lack alignment · Deep Thoughts

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  Self-control. When we hear that term, we often
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  picture, you know, these incredibly focused people.
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  Successful entrepreneurs, elite athletes, maybe monks meditating
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  for hours. People with immense willpower.
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  And the standard narrative tells us this quality, this
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  self-control, is just fundamental for getting
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  anywhere. It's presented as the bedrock of
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  achievement, of productivity. Even philosophers have held it
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  up as a virtue. The core idea seems to be if you
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  can control yourself, well, you control your destiny.
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  But we're doing a deep dive today to maybe question that a
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  bit. Is self-control really just
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  about saying no all the time? About pure denial.
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  Or could there be something else at play?
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  Maybe something involving affirmation?
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  That's what we want to unpack today.
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  We're looking for a perhaps fuller understanding of
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  self-control. What really makes it tick?
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  And a good starting point is that famous experiment, the
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  marshmallow test. Its initial interpretation
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  really shape how we view this. Ah yes, the kids and the
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  marshmallows. The story went that waiting for
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  the second marshmallow predicted all sorts of future success.
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  It did, and that conclusion became incredibly popular.
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  It fit neatly with this cultural idea of meritocracy.
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  The idea that pure willpower is what separates the successful
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  from everyone else. It's a compelling story.
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  Very compelling, but the story, like many simple stories, got
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  more complicated later on. Subsequent research started to
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  peel back layers, didn't it? Finding environmental factors
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  that the first interpretations missed.
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  Profoundly so. Later studies showed that the
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  child's background, their environment, had a huge impact
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  on whether they took the marshmallow straight away or
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  waited. So it wasn't just about the
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  child's inherent discipline. Not solely, no, it turned out
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  children from, let's say, less stable or less predictable
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  backgrounds were much more likely to just eat the one
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  marshmallow immediately. And that wasn't necessarily a
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  failure of self-control. It seems it was more of a
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  learned response if your experience teaches you that
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  promises of future rewards will often fall through.
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  Then taking the sure thing right now is actually the logical
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  move. It's a rational adaptation to an
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  unreliable world, not really a weakness of character.
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  It's about learned beliefs regarding the future.
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  That really shifts the perspective.
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  The late gratification isn't purely an internal switch you
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  flip. It's deeply interwoven with
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  external conditions, especially, it seems, with trust.
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  Trust. That feels like a key element
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  that often gets overlooked in these discussions about
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  willpower. It does.
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  A child's choice in that test reflects not just their capacity
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  to wait, but also their fundamental belief about whether
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  waiting is worth it, whether the promised future reward is
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  actually likely to appear. So we move from thinking about
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  innate willpower to thinking about learned expectations.
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  This challenges that old idea of willpower as just this finite
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  resource. The analogy of willpower being
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  like a gas tank, you know, something you use up throughout
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  the day. That model feels a bit
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  incomplete if trust and environment are so important.
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  It might be there's an alternative view gaining
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  traction thinking of self-control less as a resource
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  and more like a a feedback system A.
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  Feedback system. How does that work?
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  Well, drawing on work by user researcher Rica Ivaninen, the
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  idea is that sometimes when we feel we fail at self-control, it
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  isn't because our willpower tank is empty.
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  But because of something else. Perhaps because the task itself
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  isn't aligned with our genuine interests, or our need for
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  autonomy, or maybe our deeper sense of purpose.
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  So the brain is holding back. In a way, yes.
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  It might be strategically conserving energy because the
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  underlying why isn't strong enough.
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  The motivation isn't truly there.
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  That turns the whole idea of failure on its head.
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  A lack of self-control isn't necessarily a personal failing.
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  It could be a signal, an internal message telling you
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  that something about the path you're on isn't quite right for
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  you SO. Instead of just trying to push
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  harder, grit your teeth. You might listen to that
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  feeling. Treat it as back.
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  Ask yourself, what is this lack of motivation trying to tell me
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  about my goals or my current situation?
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  This suggests a different approach then, not just battling
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  temptation constantly. Moving away from glorifying
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  constant resistance, perhaps the most disciplined people aren't
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  the ones with the most willpower.
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  But the ones who are smarter about setting things up.
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  Exactly that. They practice environmental
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  design. They structure their
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  surroundings so they don't have to rely on heroic acts of
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  self-control all the time. Can you give some examples of
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  what that looks like? Sure, simple things, really.
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  Stocking your kitchen primarily to with healthy foods makes
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  healthy eating the path of least resistance.
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  Or using apps to limit phone distractions, setting timers,
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  maybe even turning the screen to grayscale.
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  That's. Another one, or for social
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  situations, scripting out difficult conversations
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  beforehand so you're prepared and less likely to react
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  impulsively. So this isn't about avoiding
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  challenges, but about being intelligent and how we approach
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  them, working with our nature. Precisely.
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  It's a practical way to align your environment with your
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  intentions, acknowledging that we're all susceptible to
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  temptation. It's about making the desired
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  behavior easier. It feels like there's even more
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  depth here, though, connecting to our biology, our nervous
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  system. There is Neuroscience offers
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  some fascinating insights here. There's a clear link between the
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  state of our nervous system and our ability to exert
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  self-control. Meaning if we're stressed out,
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  it's harder. Considerably harder when we're
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  in a state of stress, fight or flight, our impulsivity tends to
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  increase. Rational decision making takes a
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  backseat. But when we feel safe.
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  When we feel safe, calm, connected, the prefrontal
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  cortex, the part of the brain responsible for planning,
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  judgement and impulse control, becomes more active, more
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  dominant. So cultivating a sense of inner
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  safety could actually be a foundational practice for better
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  self-control. It seems plausible it might be
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  one of the most fundamental layers.
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  Making sure our basic need for safety is met allows higher
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  brain functions to operate optimally.
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  And what about traditional practices, things like fasting
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  or periods of silence? They often seem like exercises
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  in pure denial. They can look that way from the
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  outside, but viewed through this lens they might be something
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  different. More like training.
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  Perhaps training and delaying gratification for a more
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  meaningful purpose. They aren't just about not doing
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  something, They can be about rewiring the mind to prioritize
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  long term values over immediate impulses.
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  So self-control in that context becomes less about deprivation
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  and more like a form of dedication.
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  A dedication to your future self, perhaps?
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  A commitment to what you value most deeply.
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  This really paints a very different portrait of
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  self-control moving away from that image of constant struggle
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  of grit and force. Towards something more like
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  grace or inner coherence, a state where your actions align
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  naturally with your values. So self-control redefined as
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  alignment. Alignment between your internal
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  compass, your values, your purpose, and your external
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  actions. And those moments of perceived
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  failure where we don't exert the control we think we should.
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  We can see them differently, not as defeats, but as valuable
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  signals. Maybe your environment isn't set
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  up right, or your beliefs are getting in the way, or the goal
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  itself isn't truly yours. They indicate misalignment.
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  Which reframes discipline too. It's not punishment.
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  It becomes proactive design, designing your surroundings,
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  your systems, even the stories you tell yourself to support who
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  you want to be. So ultimately, true self-control
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  isn't about crushing all your desires.
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  Maybe it's more about cultivating the right desires,
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  nurturing the impulses and goals that genuinely align with your
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  core self, and letting those guide your actions.
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  So to sum up this shift, we've moved from seeing self-control
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  as this internal battle, this finite resource of willpower.
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  To a much broader view involving trust, environmental design,
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  nervous system regulation, and fundamental alignment with your
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  values and purpose. And crucially, seeing those
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  moments where control seems to lapse not as failures, but as
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  potentially valuable information pointing towards necessary
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  adjustments. It really changes the whole
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  dynamic, which leads to a final thought for you, the listener,
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  to consider. How might your own approach to
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  your goals to challenges change if you started thinking about
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  self-control less as resistance? And more as a state of alignment
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  you can cultivate. Thank you for tuning into this
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  episode of the Deep Thoughts Podcast.
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  I hope you found insights and inspiration to take with you on
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  your journey of self growth. If you enjoy the show, be sure
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  to hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
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  See you next time where we'll continue to help you grow and
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  explore your full potential.