Latest / The Gill Athletics Track and Field Connections Podcast / #53: Gill1918 Presents David Mitchell “Navigating Difficult Conversations” Powered by Coach O

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#53: Gill1918 Presents David Mitchell “Navigating Difficult Conversations” Powered by Coach O · The Gill Athletics Track and Field Connections Podcast

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  Welcome to the Gill 1918 Project, a podcast series by
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  coaches for coaches, powered by Gill Athletics.
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  Think of it as the Ted Talks of track and field coaching.
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  Short, insightful, and packed with valuable strategies to help
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  you grow as a coach. This episode is part of the
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  Youth and Beginner Series, brought to you by Coach O.
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  In this series, we focus on topics relating to coaching
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  youth athletes, coaching beginner athletes of any age,
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  and supporting brand new coaches as they find their way.
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  With that in mind, let's grow. Hello everyone.
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  I'm David Mitchell and I'm here to talk with you today about
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  navigating difficult conversations.
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  If you're a coach, an educator, a parent, a spouse, a friend, an
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  employer, a supervisor, or even as an employee, you're probably
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  going to have some difficult conversation opportunities arise
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  in your life. And more times than we like to
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  admit, we really can't just stick our head in the sand and
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  and ignore the situation. Sometimes we need to go ahead
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  and initiate that difficult conversation rather than letting
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  it fester and get more difficult.
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  So by navigating it, I mean finding a way to approach
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  uncomfortable topics and in conversation in a way that helps
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  avoid unnecessary confrontation. The basics of this are a few
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  phrases. I care, I see, I feel, I want,
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  and I will, but let me elaborate on that.
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  And then at the very end, give you the secret of breaking that
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  passive aggressive response. Oh, nothing's wrong, all right,
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  so I care. First, you want to establish the
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  relationship with that person you're speaking with.
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  You're going to say things like in the four years that I've
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  known you, I've really grown to care about you.
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  If it's family member, you can say I love you, you're very
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  important to me. Or even something like even
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  though we haven't known each other for very long, I've really
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  gotten a positive impression from you.
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  The IC step is going to have you stick to observations without
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  judgments, so only those observable things.
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  You'll say things like I noticed that you're slurring your speech
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  and appear to be having a hard time walking rather than saying
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  something like you're drunk, which will get an automatic
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  denial and become a confrontational situation.
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  Another example would be I see lately that you've been missing
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  your deadlines on reports at work and I want to know what can
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  help you what what could be done to help you.
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  So stick with those observable things with no judgments to it.
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  It takes away the chance to argue because you're only
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  talking about facts. So you're Joe Friday on Dragnet.
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  Just the facts, ma'am, I feel is the next step.
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  So here you're going to speak only of your feelings about the
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  situation again without placing blame or judgment.
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  And notice these are all I statements starting with the
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  word I, not pointing a finger of blame by saying you, but talking
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  about how you are doing. And this one is probably most
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  important is that it's not really right for them to try to
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  debate you about your feelings. This is what you're going to
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  say, I feel. And you're going to speak only
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  your feelings about that situation and say things like,
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  I'm really concerned that you might end up in trouble or
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  suspended or arrested or fired from your job, or I feel scared
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  when I think about what will happen to you.
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  If if things keep going in the direction that they're going,
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  then the next step is I want. So this is where you're going to
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  put an action step in the process.
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  You'll state the desired action, state the outcome that you
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  believe is the best way to proceed in this situation.
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  So you're giving that person some direction with this
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  statement without telling them what to do because again, it's
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  an I statement I want. So things like I want you to
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  stay out of trouble. And the best way to do that is
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  to make safer choices. Or I want you to take the brave
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  step of admitting, to fill in the blank with someone important
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  what you've been doing. So I want you to take the brave
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  step of admitting to the head coach what you've been doing.
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  At that point, we take time to listen.
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  So we've laid a lot on that person at that point.
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  You've said I care and establish the relationship.
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  You've said the IC, just the facts, sticking to observations
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  without judgments. I feel putting your feelings
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  into words and I want stating that desired outcome.
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  Now you're going to give the opportunity for the person
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  you're talking with to be heard. Avoid getting caught up in
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  denials or arguments and come back and repeat some of those
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  previous steps if it's necessary to do that.
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  So take some time and listen. Listen with empathy, make eye
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  contact, lean forward. You have to convince your face
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  not to betray you in this situation because some so many
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  times we have times that our face betrays us and it shows
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  what's really happening in our head or in our heart and ruins
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  the whole situation. Because you're trying to
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  establish that empathy, you're trying to break down some of the
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  barriers and avoid confrontation.
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  And if you're making I can't believe anything you're saying
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  face, then that's not going to go well.
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  So we listen to what they have to say and then we go to the
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  next step, which is I will here you're going to state what
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  you're willing to do to assist that person with the next steps
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  in that process. And if appropriate, possibly
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  beyond the next steps. So here in this situation with I
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  will, you can say things like I will go with you and sit by you
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  when you have that conversation if you'd like.
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  Sometimes just that little offer of having somebody there, a lot
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  of times they won't even take you up on it, but sometimes that
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  offer makes a big difference or something like I'm willing to
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  check in with you every Friday for the rest of the school year
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  if you think it will help. And then you want to put some of
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  that responsibility back on that person that you're talking to
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  and have them come to see you. Not where you're spending your
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  time chasing somebody down, but you're making the offer.
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  I'm willing to help somehow. You're not in this alone.
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  You have some support as you take these difficult steps.
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  And at the end, you're going to persist because you care about
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  this person, because you've got responsibility in this
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  situation. You must persist in making sure
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  that there's follow through on the issue, whatever it may have
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  been. So if necessary, you may need to
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  say something like, OK, even though you won't agree to take a
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  step in a positive direction, I care about you too much to let
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  this drop without following through.
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  I can call your mom with you here or I can call your mom
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  after you leave. Which do you prefer?
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  That's also called a fail safe choice.
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  Either way, whatever, whatever that choice is, it's going to
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  get the job done. The the parent is going to be
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  informed. You're going to make that call
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  one way or the other, and you might be surprised.
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  Sometimes it's better for that person to be there when that
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  call is made, and sometimes they prefer not to be there.
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  Almost always the, if it's a, a young person you're talking to
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  and the parent on the other end almost always wants to speak to
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  their student right away after you break whatever news that is
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  that you have to break. So it's a good thing if you're,
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  they're willing to stay in the room with you.
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  That's going to put the parents mind at ease and heart at ease a
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  little bit more when when that time comes.
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  So again, this was actually adapted from the Ruster
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  Foundation in Jackson, MI learned it a long time ago when
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  I was at a coaching clinic and have learned to adapt it and
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  expand upon it over the years. So navigating difficult
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  conversations, I care, I see, I feel, I want, listen, I will and
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  persist. So when that listen step is
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  probably the hardest one for a lot of people, sometimes you
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  have to sit through some silence.
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  Sometimes you have to redirect a little bit, we repeat back to
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  somebody what they're saying and, and let them hear for
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  themselves. So you're saying that you never
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  actually did that or what I'm hearing you say is that this is
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  not the case, whatever it is, and, and get them to be able to
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  clarify for you. And then again, persisting at
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  the end is is very important because somehow you wouldn't be
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  having this conversation if you either didn't care or didn't
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  have responsibility for that person or for that whole
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  situation in general. All right.
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  Hopefully that will help you some.
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  And I promised you at the end that I would give you the the
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  magic breaker phrase for those who are doing that passive
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  aggressive. Is everything OK?
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  Yeah, everything's fine. Everything's fine.
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  When you know clearly everything's not fine, right.
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  Anything wrong? No, no, nothing's wrong.
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  So the response to that, to get things moving, to start that
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  conversation flowing, is without a hint of sarcasm, without any
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  sign on your face, Say honestly, just say good, then I won't have
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  to worry about it, or I won't worry about you anymore for that
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  situation. And then if possible, start
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  slowly walking away and often the words will start to flow and
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  you'll hear something. Now, don't let your spouse know
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  this because they'll use it against you when you try to be
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  that passive aggressive person. So be careful who you're sharing
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  this this episode with and make sure you keep that your own
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  little secret. But it is a great way to say,
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  well, good, then I know I don't have to worry about that.
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  And if there really is something going on, most of the time
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  that's going to open the floodgates and get some
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  conversation going. May not happen immediately, but
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  it it usually does happen after some time.
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  I thank you for sticking with me and going through this episode
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  together. I want to make sure you're aware
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  of the Powered by Kocho platform.
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  You'll hear a little bit more about it in the closing that
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  Mike Cunningham's going to come on and do.
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  And we want you to interact with us at Kocho and be a part of
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  this youth and beginner series for sure.
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  Let us know how you can help and what you'd like to contribute.
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  Thank you so much. Bye bye.
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  Hey gang, Mike Cunningham here. Thanks for joining us for this
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  episode in the Youth and beginner series Powered by Coach
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