Latest / Groove with Portia / How Do You Forgive the Person You Used to Be?

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How Do You Forgive the Person You Used to Be? · Groove with Portia

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Guru Portia, the podcast that uncovers the hidden
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: treasures within grief. I'm your host, Portia, the producer, and
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: I'm inviting you to join me on a transformative journey
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: where we will exchange laughter. Of course, the best medicine
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: of them all. Reflect on cherished memories. Remember that time
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: that the little boy grabbed my hand instead of his
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: mother's at the amusement park?
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Yikes.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: And of course, discover gratitude while navigating one of life's
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: hardest challenges, loss. So get ready to grew with me, Portia,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: the producer. Let's dive in. Why, hello, everyone, and welcome
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: back to Group with Portia. I'm your host, Portia Booker.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: And as always, don't forget to like, share, and subscribe
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: to keep up with all things Group with Portia. So
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: one of the things that a lot of people may
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: not know about my story, and I've shared it plenty
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: of times, but if you don't know, that when I
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: had lost my dream job, those of you know I
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: used to work in news, and I had landed the
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: job through a Facebook post, True Story. And when I
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: think back to that time of me leaving and pivoting,
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: I felt as though I had this scarlet letter of
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: failure written across my face. And what I mean by
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: that is I had worked so hard to get there.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: I had worked so hard and dreamed to land in
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: that position and seat of occupancy that was only meant
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: for a season. But that was only one piece of
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: my story. Today, as you can see, I host Grew
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: It Portia. I also produce other shows. But the core
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: piece of that is how many of us continue to
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: wear these scarlet letters of titles and pieces of our
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: journey that no longer serve us today. Let that sink in.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: So I have the honor of being joined by an
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: amazing individual who also has pivoted through many identities in
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: her life. She is the author of the memoir, Breaking Good,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: a memoir. So without further delay, welcome to Guru of Portia,
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: Miss Nikki Mamano. Nikki, how are you today?
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: Hey, I am great and super happy and excited to
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: be here and chat with you.
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  Speaker 1: Nikki, I know it has been a little bit of
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: a wait for us. Life, as we talked about before
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  Speaker 1: we even jumped on the conversation, has been lifing for
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: both of us. But here we are in the present today. Nikki,
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  Speaker 1: as I brought up in the beginning, We've all been
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: through different identities and pivots in our life. For you,
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: you've been known as a teen addict, criminal, inmate, a mother, author,
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: and survivor. And I'm curious for our audience, Nikki, out
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: of some of these identities that I've mentioned for you,
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: which one would you say was the hardest to let
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: go of? And which one would you say was the
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: hardest that you believe you didn't deserve?
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: That's a really good question. Which one's the hardest to
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: let go of? I think failure and causing pain to anyone.
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: And I think that kind of weaves itself through all
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: of the different experiences.
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  Speaker 4: I mean, I had experienced a lot of trauma and
• 3:32
  Speaker 4: pain that was inflicted upon me.
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: And then I grew up and I made choices that
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  Speaker 3: hurt other people.
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  Speaker 4: And whether it was an addiction, whether it was a
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  Speaker 4: relapse as a mother, you know, in all the other ways,
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  Speaker 4: you know, I scammed when I was on the streets.
• 3:45
  Speaker 4: I was a homeless, drug-addicted prostitute. I did things for
• 3:49
  Speaker 4: a reason, but nonetheless, I did them. And so coming
• 3:52
  Speaker 4: to terms with that. And letting go of that and
• 3:55
  Speaker 4: loving myself through that and understanding that that all happened
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  Speaker 4: for a reason was probably the hardest.
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: Thing to get through. And I still struggle with it
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  Speaker 3: at times.
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  Speaker 4: But today I do love myself and I do, you know,
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  Speaker 4: I live in the moment of what I have gone
• 4:09
  Speaker 4: through and how I've helped people over the last 30
• 4:12
  Speaker 4: years and continue to help people.
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: So, yeah, there's a second part to that question.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: And go ahead.
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  Speaker 3: No, I just, I dropped the second.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: So the second part was kind of like, and you
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: did answer it, which one was the hardest for you
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: to believe that you deserved or didn't deserve? And I
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: think you really hit the nail on the head about,
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  Speaker 1: you know, throughout life, we're shaped by our experiences. Each
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: person that we meet, right? For example, when we start
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: to learn our worth. I don't know if you remember
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: this quote, Nikki, that used to circulate around social media
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  Speaker 1: that said, people know the value you bring to the table.
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  Speaker 1: They just hope you don't. And I remembered when I
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: would see that on LinkedIn, I shared it all the
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: time because there's always those people that prey on us, right?
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  Speaker 1: But until we learn who we are to our core
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  Speaker 1: and our value and worth is when we're going to
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: recognize when those types of infiltrations come into our wheelhouse.
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  Speaker 1: The other thing, Nikki- The other thing, Nikki, you brought
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: up was about addiction. And I think in our society,
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  Speaker 1: there's a lot of misconceptions about addiction, about what it is.
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  Speaker 1: And when I think about Nikki for you, addiction was
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: kind of that running away for you. Right. And I'm curious,
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  Speaker 1: was there grief in realizing how much of your life
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: had been shaped by something you didn't choose? Yes.
• 5:53
  Speaker 5: Sure.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, there's grief.
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  Speaker 4: I still hold on to that grief, the time spent
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  Speaker 4: in pain, the time spent in addiction, the time spent
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  Speaker 4: in relapse. And, you know, it's something that I'll always,
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: you know, live with, but I appreciate all of it.
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  Speaker 4: And I know like, you know, I say that addiction is.
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  Speaker 3: A disease of trauma and disconnection, which is how it
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: got me here. And so I lived in that for
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: a very long time. And then after I put the drugs.
• 6:18
  Speaker 4: Away, I held on to all those pieces that got
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: me there in the first place. So it's not like
• 6:23
  Speaker 4: we put that down right away. We can put the
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: drugs down and then we still hold on to that. So,
• 6:27
  Speaker 4: you know, I've carried that with me. Um, but I,
• 6:31
  Speaker 4: you know, I'm grateful, uh, for, for what I have today.
• 6:34
  Speaker 4: And I think, you know, just to go back to
• 6:36
  Speaker 4: one thing you said, which was, um, about, I'm missing
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: it for a second.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: Um, I'm so sorry. Which it was, oh, it was about,
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  Speaker 3: I'm sorry.
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  Speaker 4: It was, there were so many beautiful things you said
• 6:49
  Speaker 4: and I was trying to remember them as you said them,
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  Speaker 4: but it's about like surviving.
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  Speaker 3: Like, you know, people think, and I'm jumping back, but
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  Speaker 3: people do come for me. You know, I was a.
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: Drug addict and I did things and they do. And
• 6:59
  Speaker 4: I try to remember that, you know, it comes from
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: other people's pain. And so I bring myself out of that.
• 7:05
  Speaker 4: And that's where I heal from that. When I know
• 7:07
  Speaker 4: it's not about me, it's a reflection of them. And
• 7:10
  Speaker 4: so all of these things that I put together, the addiction,
• 7:13
  Speaker 4: the trauma, and the understanding of human nature and how
• 7:16
  Speaker 4: we all survive in this world gets me to the
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  Speaker 4: place where I can stand in my value, no matter
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  Speaker 4: what anyone thinks, no matter what anyone doesn't want me
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  Speaker 4: to have. Because you're right, people don't always want you
• 7:27
  Speaker 4: to hold on to your value and your worth. And
• 7:30
  Speaker 4: I do that by understanding other people, by understanding what
• 7:34
  Speaker 4: this world does to us. And there's so much, you know,
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  Speaker 4: there's just this world is, it's filled with, It is.
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  Speaker 4: It's filled with a lot of pain and it's filled
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: with a lot of beauty.
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  Speaker 3: You know, you have to find that balance.
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  Speaker 1: And you're right, Nikki. And sometimes it's hard because when
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: I think about back to this addiction piece, our society
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  Speaker 1: holds a very hard stigma around addiction. But we don't
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: know the shoes that you're walking in. The baggage that
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: you're carrying, where if we just took that extra little step,
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: I always talk about going the extra mile. My soul
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: mother calls me the queen of gratitude and the one
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: who goes the extra mile because I do. And when
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: we think about the way the world is set up,
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  Speaker 1: A lot of people will not go that extra mile
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  Speaker 1: to understand why you're the way that you are. Asking
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: a simple question of, how are you today? I often
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: talk about, Nikki, there's been a few times where in
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: my neighborhood, I have called 911 for different individuals who've
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: experienced some type of mental health challenge openly. And I
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: had to tell the dispatcher, hey, listen, Make sure you
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: don't send the police because this man is African-American. He
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: may respond differently because he's already possibly traumatized. So I'm like,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: leave your sirens off. You're going to see him because
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: I described what he had on. And I'm very grateful
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  Speaker 1: that there's people like me who take that extra time,
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  Speaker 1: who recognize that. when there is an issue. And I
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: used to be someone who judged, but my mother always
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: said to me, you don't know the shoes that someone
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  Speaker 1: is walking in until you've walked them yourself.
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  Speaker 3: That's correct.
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  Speaker 4: And, you know, to be a little cliche, it's like,
• 9:31
  Speaker 4: you know, lead with love.
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  Speaker 2: Lead with love and understanding. You know, if we could
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: all do that, the world would be a different place.
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  Speaker 2: And I totally agree with everything you said. I do
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  Speaker 2: a lot of work with homeless people. I work with
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  Speaker 2: Rise Hawaii, a place where I was homeless and other people.
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  Speaker 4: And, you know, I talk to a lot of people
• 9:48
  Speaker 4: about it and I say, you know, there is so
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  Speaker 4: much judgment in that and they don't want to be there.
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  Speaker 3: I didn't want to be there. Right. And it's like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: they're coming into our town. They're doing this.
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  Speaker 4: Let's help, you know, because I can promise you that
• 10:00
  Speaker 4: the addict doesn't want to be detoxing and addictive. The
• 10:03
  Speaker 4: homeless person would rather have a home. There are and
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  Speaker 4: you hit the nail on the head. There are reasons why.
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  Speaker 4: And we have to you know, we kind of have
• 10:11
  Speaker 4: to start there.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we have to take that time with people. You know,
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  Speaker 1: my mom always had to say, I don't know why
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: my mom is so heavy on my mind today, but
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: clearly she must be channeling through me for some reason.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: But my mom had a saying too about when you
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: experience a breakup, she said, you have to spend the
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: same amount of time or longer away from that person
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: to start to find your footing again. And I think
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: the same applies when we go through different transitions and
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: pivots in our life. Nikki, before we transition to the
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: next part of the conversation, because I want to talk
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: about your book. If our audience wants to connect with you,
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: if they want to learn more about your book, here's
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: for our audience who's tuning in. If they want to
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: learn more about you and connect with you, how can
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: our audience do that today?
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: Sure.
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: My website is NikkiMamano.com, N-I-K-K-I-M-A-M-M-A-N-O.
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: On there.
• 11:08
  Speaker 4: There's my email agents and all sorts of ways to
• 11:12
  Speaker 4: get the book. And there's also ways to reach out.
• 11:14
  Speaker 4: And also on LinkedIn, I do a lot of speaking
• 11:16
  Speaker 4: and I love it. I speak to master's classes. I
• 11:19
  Speaker 4: speak to hospitals. Actually, I was at NYU and I'm
• 11:23
  Speaker 4: going back to help the doctors and staff there treat
• 11:26
  Speaker 4: their clientele with compassion and kindness. And we're working on that.
• 11:30
  Speaker 4: you know, I speak with nonprofits. So, you know, that
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: is something I love to do and, and, and so
• 11:36
  Speaker 4: happy to do. And so please, if anyone, you know,
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: wants some information or some help in working on those things,
• 11:42
  Speaker 4: reach out to me on LinkedIn or, or my, my email.
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: But you could find me there and also on social media.
• 11:49
  Speaker 4: I love when people, people DM me all the time
• 11:52
  Speaker 4: that read the book and, you know, my favorite thing there's,
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: I always say that there's three things, three different things
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  Speaker 4: that people reach out to me about. And I'm kind
• 11:59
  Speaker 4: of going off for a second, but this is what
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: I love. I have the people that reach out that
• 12:03
  Speaker 4: are addicts and tell me, thank you. You've helped me
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: and you've touched things that I've been through. I have
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: the family members that have said, you know, now I
• 12:10
  Speaker 4: understand more. And I have the people, which goes back
• 12:13
  Speaker 4: to what we were saying, which is why I'm circling
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: back people that are having more compassion and empathy. I
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: have people reach out and say, you know what? I
• 12:19
  Speaker 4: haven't been an addict. I really haven't known any, or
• 12:22
  Speaker 4: I haven't been homeless or known any, but I want
• 12:24
  Speaker 4: to volunteer now.
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  Speaker 3: I want to have more empathy. and understanding. And I
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: come together with all those people and we connect there
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  Speaker 3: on social media. So there's ways to find me. I'm here.
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  Speaker 4: I spent the last 30 years and continue to give back,
• 12:37
  Speaker 4: pay forward and do.
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: And so, you know, please, I welcome it.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Excellent. And Nikki, you know, for our audience too, I mean,
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: what a true, just confirmation that you, anyone can turn
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: their circumstance around. And so many people don't realize, and
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: I say this often, that the worst part of you
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: is the best part of you. So many people hide
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: what they think, what they're ashamed of, right? But there's
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: so many of us who have walked in similar buckets.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: And it just takes that one pivot, that one voice,
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: which is yours, that people are going to resonate with.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: I always say that there's an audience out there.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: And there's a connection and there's an openness.
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: And, you know, I think for the people that, and
• 13:28
  Speaker 4: we talked about this before, the people that want to
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: kind of take you down, they're the people that my
• 13:32
  Speaker 4: honesty and my authenticity threatens, you know, but, but for
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: the most, I'm not doing it for them. I'm doing
• 13:37
  Speaker 4: it for the people that it speaks to. And, and I,
• 13:40
  Speaker 4: and I, and I, I couldn't, I couldn't ask for
• 13:43
  Speaker 4: a greater gift in this life.
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: You know what I mean?
• 13:45
  Speaker 4: There's other great gifts I have and wonderful, but, to
• 13:48
  Speaker 4: be connected to people and to be able to help.
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  Speaker 3: It's amazing.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: Well, Nikki, it's like, how can you really throw dirt
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: on me when the dirt is out there in the
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: books that I wrote, right? Nikki, let's talk about your book,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: Breaking Good, right? And one of the things that I
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: think about is that your book, tells so many different
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: people the life that you had before, which now looks
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: different than the seat of occupancy that you have today.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: And I'm curious, Nikki, for our audience, when you decided
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: to write Breaking Good, were you afraid that telling the
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: truth about who you had been could threaten the woman
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: you worked so hard to become? Absolutely.
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: Absolutely. It was a gamble.
• 14:36
  Speaker 4: And I was willing to take that gamble because I
• 14:38
  Speaker 4: knew I could help people and it also helped me. Um,
• 14:40
  Speaker 4: but it was a gamble and it paid off.
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: It really did. Um, for sure. But it was not
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: an easy lift. And, um, you know, there was the
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: writing of it, which was hard.
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: And then there was my publishers, like we're going to print,
• 14:54
  Speaker 4: you know, and I was like, hold on, you know, like,
• 14:57
  Speaker 4: maybe I don't want to do this, but I'm so
• 15:00
  Speaker 4: glad I did, you know, and it's been, it's been wonderful. But, um,
• 15:04
  Speaker 4: You know, necessary, necessary.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: And Nikki, let's talk about that because I'm always curious
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: about people's writing process. And I'm wondering for you, was
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: there maybe hidden grief that came up as you were
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: writing this? And also, did you.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Find yourself wrestling too with the title, because I look
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: at breaking good and it's kind of oxymoronic like Biggie Smalls. Right.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: And I think so many people would see that as
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: kind of, yes, I'm breaking this stigma of what quote
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: unquote good means. But at the same time, I'm showing
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: the redemption in who I am today in comparison to
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: who I was years ago.
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
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  Speaker 4: That's exactly what I did. I broke good and, you know,
• 16:01
  Speaker 4: didn't always break good.
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: Always had a heart. And when people read the book,
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: they'll see that come through.
• 16:06
  Speaker 4: And I have a lot of people that have told
• 16:08
  Speaker 4: me that, you know, and so, but I, I still
• 16:11
  Speaker 4: did things because of my pain and my trauma. And
• 16:13
  Speaker 4: so in the end I did, I.
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: Think, I think, I think when you get clean, you
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: become a new person.
• 16:19
  Speaker 4: And I said this before, but you also come back
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: to the person you were always meant to be, or
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: the person that you were from the beginning. And I
• 16:26
  Speaker 4: always connected to people and wanted the kindness. I was
• 16:30
  Speaker 4: just in too much pain to live in that honest,
• 16:33
  Speaker 4: true life. And so I found myself again and broke good.
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: And I continue to, and I love it. And yes,
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: the writing process, it opened me up. It opened me up.
• 16:44
  Speaker 4: I mean- I had to write about everything. And, you know,
• 16:47
  Speaker 4: the first thing I did, people ask how long it took.
• 16:49
  Speaker 4: And the first thing I did was to speak into
• 16:53
  Speaker 4: my phone for a year. I would be driving and
• 16:56
  Speaker 4: a memory would come up. And then, you know, I
• 16:58
  Speaker 4: had all that. I had to collate that, put that
• 17:00
  Speaker 4: in order. People are like, how do you remember all that?
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: It's like, I don't know.
• 17:02
  Speaker 4: I had to, I had to interview people and, you know,
• 17:06
  Speaker 4: make sure that I talk to people. I.
• 17:07
  Speaker 6: I, I, I, talked to my brother a lot to
• 17:11
  Speaker 6: remember the family. I wanted to make sure I, you know,
• 17:12
  Speaker 6: spoke about my family. I wanted to make sure it
• 17:14
  Speaker 6: was fair and honest. And so it was a whole process.
• 17:17
  Speaker 6: It was years before I ever actually started writing it.
• 17:20
  Speaker 4: And then the writing itself was, you know, cathartic and, and, um,
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: at times painful. And I think, like I just said before,
• 17:30
  Speaker 4: knowing it was going out there was almost as.
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: Intense as writing it, if not more. because putting it
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: down by myself is one thing and.
• 17:38
  Speaker 4: It brings me to understand and process, but knowing it's
• 17:41
  Speaker 4: actually going out there, that was like a whole different
• 17:46
  Speaker 4: beast and I had to battle that.
• 17:48
  Speaker 3: Beast and that was a big one.
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: And in the end I did, in the end I
• 17:52
  Speaker 4: came to terms with it and I'm really happy I
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: did and I'm okay with it. I'm okay with it now,
• 17:58
  Speaker 4: but it has been a lifelong lesson to hear.
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: But I'm ready. Here I am.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: You know, Nikki, you brought up about interviewing people. And
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: I'm curious, when you were reaching out to some of
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: these people, was there some hesitation about them possibly keeping
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: you in the same boat that you were in, in
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: comparison to the growth that you've experienced? Sure.
• 18:27
  Speaker 4: And I think there's people that had no idea that
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: I had gotten to the place and didn't know the.
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: Person I am today.
• 18:33
  Speaker 4: And, and as they got to talk to me and to, to,
• 18:35
  Speaker 4: you know, know me again, they, they, you know, they
• 18:38
  Speaker 4: figured that out.
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: But, um, you know, I also interviewed people that I
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: still talk to, like in the book, Bella, I still
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: talk to all the time. I talked to Kehlani.
• 18:47
  Speaker 4: I talked to, you know, not, not often that, you know,
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: certain people, but enough that they're in my life. And so, um,
• 18:54
  Speaker 4: It was a matter of just making sure that I
• 18:59
  Speaker 4: had everything as best I could. I thought that was
• 19:01
  Speaker 4: really a big responsibility of mine to tell the story
• 19:04
  Speaker 4: as best I could, you know, as honestly as I could.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: And so I made sure that I pulled these people
• 19:11
  Speaker 3: in so that I did that.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: Wow. And that's not easy to do, especially if you
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: know that some of these people you've lied to, you cheated, right?
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I called myself out. Like people say, I was like, no,
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: I call myself out more than anyone.
• 19:28
  Speaker 4: But then people trust me, right?
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: Because they know like, here I am, I've like ripped
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: myself open. And I've been like, no, I did this.
• 19:37
  Speaker 4: And then they're like, okay, well, and that brings people
• 19:40
  Speaker 4: in for the connection and then.
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: For the healing. Yeah.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Nikki, I'm curious. I don't know if anybody's ever
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: asked you this, but do you ever miss the woman
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: who you used to be?
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: Yes. So each role that you played, the addict, the
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: drug dealer, do you ever miss that?
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: Some of those characteristics of that woman who you used
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: to be in the woman who you are today.
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: I don't miss them now.
• 20:14
  Speaker 7: I love them because I've taken the best parts of
• 20:17
  Speaker 7: them because they're, you know, every part of me was
• 20:21
  Speaker 7: still a whole being. I've taken the best part of
• 20:24
  Speaker 7: them and I've kept them as I've progressed as the
• 20:27
  Speaker 7: person I've become.
• 20:28
  Speaker 4: And I've also learned to love every version of myself
• 20:31
  Speaker 4: before that.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: And that's not always easy to do when you're faced
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: in the mirror of, oh, great, I've got this list of,
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: I hate to say it, deadly sins. And how do
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: I learn to, and that's why I brought up in
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: the very beginning about the scarlet letter failure. in front
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: of your face, right? That's how I felt with my
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: TV career when I worked so hard to get there.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: And then for me, coming back home meant, oh, you failed.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: You messed up. You're a joke. And that's what I
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: was always afraid of. But today, I've learned to incorporate
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: and integrate the skills that I've taken from that very
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: short-lived career, which was 10 years ago this year, it's
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: hard to believe, into who I am today. into my
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: show today. So the, go ahead.
• 21:24
  Speaker 4: I was going to say, and the beauty of it,
• 21:26
  Speaker 4: the beauty of the pain is the rising.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: That's what we, that's what we do.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: We rise.
• 21:32
  Speaker 4: And, and it's, as you know, it is painful and,
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: you know, difficult and exhausting, but.
• 21:40
  Speaker 5: Then, you know, but then like, here we are, here
• 21:43
  Speaker 5: we are, you know, and I also love the concept
• 21:46
  Speaker 5: of here we are with all our flaws.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: You know, here I am. I've done this. I've done this.
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to be the best human I can.
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: So, yeah.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: You got to keep walking up that mountain.
• 21:58
  Speaker 3: It's beauty. There's beauty up there.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it takes a trick. I mean, I shared with
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: my Facebook within the last two weeks that I did
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: a bike race of 25 miles. And that was a
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: stretch for me on my bike for that long period
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: of time. The benefits went towards cancer research. But I mean,
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: I felt great afterwards. But let me tell you, the
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: bottom cheeks were complaining for a couple of days.
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Let me know next time you do something like that.
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: I'm enjoying you. Yeah.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: I'm thinking about doing it next year. They have different
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: levels of it. You can do 25 or you can start,
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: I think it's six, 12, 25, 50, 75 and a
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: hundred I think is the top. And I mean, it
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: was definitely no pun intended a ride for me, but
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: especially the Hills, but that's, that's part of the journey.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: It's being present in that moment. And if anything taught
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: me about entrepreneurship, Nikki, that day definitely did. That was
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: a trek for sure. Nikki, let me just say this.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: This conversation was definitely worth the wait. And we will
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: be wrapping up here soon. But before we conclude for today, Nikki,
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: I have one more last question for you. After your addiction,
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: time in prison, the trauma you've experienced, recovery, and finally
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: letting people know the story that you carried for decades.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: What would you say finding your groove means to you today?
• 23:41
  Speaker 5: It means finding the love inside me for everyone else
• 23:49
  Speaker 5: and myself and actually transmuting all the pain into that love.
• 23:55
  Speaker 4: You know, and giving back and connecting and talking to you.
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: Like, this is it right here.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: Excellent. And that's why, you know, to me, that question
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: is so important because so many of us don't realize
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: that we lose our groove when we're going through adverse circumstances.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: But what if that adverse circumstance is paving the way
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: for you to deliver a form of wisdom through sharing
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: your story to others? Well, everybody, that was Miss Nikki
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: Mimano that you heard from today on Grew Up Portia.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: And that concludes our conversation. And until next time, everybody,
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: peace and hair grease, everyone.