Latest / Quiet Time Conversations | Practical Discipleship / God asked me to leave my ministry and then blessed me so much. My testimony.

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God asked me to leave my ministry and then blessed me so much. My testimony. · Quiet Time Conversations | Practical Discipleship

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Good morning.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Why are we in ministry and and we know God moves, but at the end of the day, we're not fulfilled.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: What is that?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna tell you my story.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this is based on my story.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I never felt loved.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was singing in bars, country music.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know just from that that it's it's very unfulfilling.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's all I know how to do is to sing.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, the first church that I ever went to outside, I would grew up Catholic, but I didn't like it.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I stopped when I was 16 and I was just out in the world, doing everything I wanted to do.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Then I decide I hate this life.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: I need some kind of a church.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's all I know.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I hate this life.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna sing again until it's in a church.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I made that vow on my knees, crying out to this God that I did not know.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I will not sing again until it's in a church.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: A couple years later, I'm I start dating a guy.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: His parents are going to a little church in a nearby town.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: So we go visit because I've been, he was like, hey, they they invited us to go.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I've been waiting for someone to invite me to church.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's been years.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I've been waiting.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so I couldn't wait to go.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it's this tiny little church.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, probably maybe 50 people in this church.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And they've got this worship band.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even know this was a thing.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't do this in the Catholic Church.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I audition to be on this little worship team.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And he, the main guy, he hears me and says, When can you start?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I'm in.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a Christian at this point, but I'm in.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: So now I've taken all this that I do for myself and to help me feel loved and feel better about myself and feel like I matter in this world.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And all I have done is picked that up and dropped it into a church.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's all I've done.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now I, this is where I was going to get saved.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so I believe that God got me through this process because some of you are thinking, what is that man doing?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Just not even asking you about your salvation experience.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: I believe this was God getting me onto this worship team because it is the only way I was going to become a Christian.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I was, if he said no, I'm out and I won't be back, you know?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I believe that God orchestrated this so I would be on the worship team.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then um another guy was on the worship team and he started telling me about Jesus.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And he and I had a six-month argument about Jesus.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: My dad was rough, and I had feelings against my dad.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And now you're telling me about this father in heaven.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my thinking was, I already had one dad.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: No thanks.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need a second one.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that was my argument for six months.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm good.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm good.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but then you know, he kept working on me, and the Holy Spirit is working on me, and I did finally accept Christ as my Lord and Savior.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I finally found what I had been looking for.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: So then I meet my husband at this place.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: We move on to a bigger church in another city, and the first thing I do is I uh audition for the worship team.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I work really hard and I'm on the choir and I work really hard to be able to get onto the team.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so now I'm on the worship team.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And here's where I get confused.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was confused.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not now.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I felt the Lord when I was worshiping.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm standing on that stage for about 20 minutes and I'm singing those songs, and I practiced those songs and I knew the words.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't just reading the words and singing a melody.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: I had practiced these songs until they were ingrained in me.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I knew my harmony part, and I could close my eyes and try to mean it.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I tried to do.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: I would close my eyes and try to mean it.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: At the same time, I'm now married.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: I now have a child, I now have two children.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Life at home, not great.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's I'm not doing well.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: My husband and I are fighting a lot.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm trying out wine because that's that's the thing that everyone's doing is a glass of wine.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I come from an alcoholic dad, um, and I struggled with alcohol in the bars.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I really shouldn't be doing wine, but I'm dumb, right?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm dumb.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it numbs a little bit.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm doing that.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to make it through the day.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've got one little one who was gonna end up having type 1 diabetes.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: So her moods, it was a roller coaster you couldn't follow.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then I have another child who has Down syndrome.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: So even though he's healthy, it's a lot.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just barely treading water at home.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: But when I get on that stage for 20 minutes, I feel him.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I can feel him.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like everything is right in the world, and it's feeding my ego and it's feeding who I am because you're standing on that stage, people treat you differently.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it's kind of nice.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I fell, I fell for it.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: People would tell me uh gossip that's going on in the church, and so I'm just talking to somebody and they're telling me all the gossip and all the stuff that's going on in the church.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, in that way, I do know what's going on in the church, and now I feel even more puffed up because I know what's going on in the church.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: People think I'm important.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: It is so easy to fall, and I haven't dug into the word.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: My Christianity is an hour on Sunday and a rehearsal on Thursday night.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's my total of Christianity.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was miserable, I was absolutely miserable.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I just completely lose my contentment.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm trying to learn about the Lord.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm joining Bible studies because I am so discontent, except for the 20 minutes that I'm standing on that stage.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Here was my problem.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: I took the fact that I could feel him for him being okay with what I was doing.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it really messed me up because after that wonderful time, and that church had four services, two on Saturday night and two on Sunday morning.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I've spent a lot of time on that stage and very little time sitting in the seat learning anything.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm backstage in the green room most of the time.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not learning and I'm not growing.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know yet that I can read the Bible and He will meet me here.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know that.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I just know that I've all the information I'm gonna learn about God is up at that building, and it's through someone else.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else is gonna have to stand up and tell me what to think because I don't know.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how to do this.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's all I know.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: It was so confusing and it led to such pride.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was just spiraling downwards.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't understand how I could be so lifted up.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I felt.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was lifted up when I was up there for 20 minutes.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: People were lifting me up, God was using me, everything's right with the world, and then I come home.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I've got poop to clean, vomit to clean, a husband that's not really working out, and life is just no fun.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember mopping one time after I have one of these wonderful weekends at the church.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I come home and I'm mopping.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, is this how you humble me?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: I had it completely wrong.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about what we do up at the church, not not at its core.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: The core is he is holy, and I've given him my life, and Jesus has died for my sins, and I I've accepted that, and I've given my life to him, and I came from him.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: He created me, he gave me the ability to sing, he gave me the ability to harmonize.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: They're gifts from him, it's his glory that matters, it's his glory when in my life I'm at peace.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's his peace.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: It all starts with him.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And what I needed to do the whole time was give everything up.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: He did call me to walk away from the worship team.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I cried for a week because I felt like that's what he said.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I went in to tell the worship pastor about it, and I'm crying because it is my very identity.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: I had no identity outside of being up there.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I didn't make friends easily.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was abrasive.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't, I didn't even have that many friends up there, but I had this group in the worship team, and we were together all of the time.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And to me, that was friendliness.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that was some sort of a friendship.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm sitting at his desk and I'm crying and I'm telling him, I think God is asking me to step down.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now I found out later that they already knew in the worship team that I was not in a good place.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And and even they had discussed it with the actual pastor, and he had said she needs to step down, but the pat but the worship pastor wouldn't do it.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm I'm I'm sitting at his desk and I'm crying, and I'm like, I I think he's asking me to step away from this.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't know the rest of the story about that, it's my whole identity.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And he talked me out of it.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: The worship pastor talked me out of it, and he said, I think if God asked you to do this, you wouldn't be so devastated right now.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I didn't quit.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the discontent continued, and I'm discontent.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And my prayer is, God, I just want to be content.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to be content with life because I'm not, and the discontent continues.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like a year later, he asked me again, the Lord, step down, step away from it.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I had fallen to deeper depths.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: In my prideful heart, I'm working so hard to have more friends and to have people like me even more.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's not working, mind you, but I'm determined.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to make this happen.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then when the main worship girl fell and left the ministry for a while, you know what my thought was?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is how far down the road I had gotten.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: My thought was, oh good, it's my turn.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't sad for her.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: She was my competition.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I was.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And the Lord had asked me to walk away.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I was too weak to do it.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't walk away, and I got worse.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was now into competition with my sisters and brothers and sisters in Christ.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: I was not even in a Christian place anymore.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I was still a Christian, but I I wasn't even trying anymore.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: It was competition.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then the second time, he said, you need to step down.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the second time I realized how bad this whole thing had gotten.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I left.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: I walked, I left the church.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And we were out for a while while I continued to work with God.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I mistook feeling his presence on stage for him telling me, this is right and good what you're doing.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I want you to do.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: I mistook it.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was wrong.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I found out.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: If even if your worship ministry is off base and not doing, not really focused in on Jesus and his glory and it's all about him, even if they've gone another way, God will still show up.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because the people in the congregation are worshiping him.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: They are crying out for him.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: He's going to show up.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: He's going to show up even if the worship ministry is doing something wrong, because those are his people and he's going to show up.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: So even though I was in the wrong place, he still showed up.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I could feel him.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: I could feel that he showed up.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: But he didn't do it for me.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I thought he was doing it for me.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: When really he was showing up to minister to them.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I happened to be standing there.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: I had a gift of singing, and he used it in that moment to minister to them.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't understand why it was so great on stage and not great off.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because I thought I had the pleasure of the Lord in my life, because he showed up.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was feeling him, and I felt that pleasure and that blessing in that moment.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: He was showing up for them.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to tell that story because if you're in ministry and it's great while you're there, and it's not great at home, it's like it's not really great at home at all.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta step out.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta step out, and you've got to you've gotta relearn who he is.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: And because of who he is, who you are.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: You you you gotta know that to be in healthy ministry.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: You just do.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you've moved into competition, you gotta step out.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: You have to step out.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: I it's so hard to walk away from competition because we wanted to win this.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I had a goal, and I'm so close.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: But you're a Christian, you're a Christian, and you gave your life to God.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And no matter how long you try to stay in this competition, he is against it.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: And you're not gonna find that peace because he's against it, because it is about his glory and his son and his holiness, and you gave your life to him when you became a Christian.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: You don't get to take it back.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can try, but you will have no peace.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I am asking you, if you're in this place, to step out.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you, when I finally quit, I came home and I laid in bed and cried for a week.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: My whole definition of who I was was wrapped up in singing.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: My whole identity was wrapped up in the ministry I thought I was supposed to do.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Without that ministry, I was zero.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was nothing.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: And and that's that's that was my true definition of myself.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't defined by him, I was defined by what I did and what I could do and what I could give the church.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I cried for a week, and after a week, I got in the Bible, and I started looking up scriptures of who am I?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I supposed to be?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: What does God think of me?
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: I started looking up scriptures all by myself, sitting at home, and I started reading the Bible that he met me there.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I had to repent of a lot.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: I had a lot of forgiveness to ask for.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: I repented to other people.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: I I just started that process.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say that if you're in ministry and you're miserable or you're in competition, I ask you to s to quit, to step away, and to go find out what God thinks of you.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's your beginning point.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus is our beginning point and the cross.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean to your life?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: What does it mean?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Who is he?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: What does he think of when he looks at you?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's in there.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Go find out.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Go find out.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: I can't wait for you to find out.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's so great when you find out what he thinks of you, and it gets deep down into your soul and your spirit, and you have that joy and that peace because he met you there.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: It is so much greater than the competition you were trying to win.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: I promise.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: I promise.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Blessings.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: I pray for you.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: I I can't wait to hear about how great it was.