Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 228. Enough With The "Duty" Sex. How To Start Wanting To Make Love Again

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228. Enough With The "Duty" Sex. How To Start Wanting To Make Love Again · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: Enough with the duty sex.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: How do I start wanting to make love again?
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Is today's podcast episode with Nick and Amy.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: So dive and ride in.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: For most couples during the early years of marriage, things are passionate and exciting and there's just that connection.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: Most likely, you're making love all the time.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: But over time the relationship dwindles and couples just stop having frequent sexual intimacy and it actually, for a lot of couples, can turn into something that then is very, very seldom.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: This is a very common theme in reality for many couples, but according to experts, couples that find themselves in this type of relationship have around an 80% chance of ending a divorce.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: So if you are in a relationship where your spouse is just one of you, or even sometimes both of you have just completely lost interest in sex, this is probably the type of relationship you're in.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: A second scenario is where the lower desired spouse is not wanting to have sex at all, but they do so occasionally because of duty.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: This is what we call duty sex.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: So no one likes duty sex.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: The person giving the sex and the person receiving the sex the person giving the sex out of duty is going to feel resentment and the person receiving the duty sex is, of course, going to feel rejected and withdrawn from the lower desired spouse.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: So most relationships fall under these two categories.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: So what can marriages do?
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: That's what we're going to talk about in today's episode.
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: Good start, babe, Good start.
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: I just think that if you have a low desire sex drive, if you are a low desire sex drive, spouse does that say that right.
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: It's usually duty sex I agree I mean, we just got to rip that band-aid off.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: Like it usually starts out as duty if you have zero drive, Like it is what it is right and that's what we're going to talk about.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: Like we have to get past that.
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, sometimes it does feel like that and the whole point is how do you figure out how to enjoy that?
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: So, even if it feels like duty, at the beginning at least.
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: Well, let's talk.
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: Duty does not always have to be off a word, I guess.
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: I guess that makes it sound like it's.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: Like, oh, I have to do it, it's not forced.
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: Duty isn't forced.
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: It just means like I feel like I need to do this right, I feel like I have to do that, but.
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: But that happens in most marriages where there's two different drives.
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: But and I'll raise this question how often in marriage do we do things out of duty because it needs to be done?
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: A lot Right.
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: Like it's.
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: It's not always bad, but there's a lot of things we do out of duty because it just needs to be done Absolutely.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: And reading the statistics and saying, okay, if you're in a marriage where you're just not prioritizing or having sex anymore and you have close to an 80% chance of getting divorce, I mean that's pretty significant.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: And you've often You've also remembered the polls that we've done right.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: The poll where it says how important is sexual intimacy in your marriage, and I think it was either 91 or 92% said it is important in their marriage to be happy, and that was between both men and women.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: So sex is a very important and vital key to finding happiness in marriage for the majority of relationships.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: And then women agreed, like you said, or the low drive spouse agreed Okay.
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: So we took a poll.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: We just wanted to know, like how are you feeling about this word?
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: Like how do you feel about this in your marriage?
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: We asked have you ever felt like you needed to give duty sex in your marriage?
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: Quote duty sex.
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: Can you guess the responses?
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: Nick hasn't seen these.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: Oh, I would guess it's going to be pretty high, for you know well, actually is it both men and women answering.
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's both.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: So the men that are answering are going to say, no, I've never given duty sex, and the women that are answering are going to say, yeah, I've given duty sex.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: So if you combine those it might be 50-50.
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: It's 49-51.
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: What?
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: Because our audience is literally half and half Crazy.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: You're exactly.
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess I should have said husbands, you take it, and then the wives take it.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: That would probably have been a better poll, because a guy's never going to say, oh yeah, I've had to do duty sex.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: At least most guys are not, and yeah, yeah.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: So I guess that's exactly why it's half the poll's literally half.
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: So I mean it just shows that our audience it looks on this poll that it's about half and half men and women.
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: So we then asked what factors contribute to feeling like this and how does it impact your marriage?
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: I'm just barely pulling these up for the first time, so just feeling like my husband's needs sexy time more than I do, but I'm just tired.
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: I think my wife has felt this way and I can tell when she just lays there and doesn't contribute, not having been intimate for such a long time, my husband gets upset, not awfully impacted, felt like it was a win for him.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: And usually I do get into it.
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: I am the higher drive.
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: I'm sure my spouse would be a.
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: Yes, I wasn't into it, but my husband, hubby, was, and sometimes you just need to go for it.
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: I always want her to feel good first or at the same time, so I have to take the lead.
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: Another answer my husband isn't.
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: I don't see, I'm not going to read that.
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: I'm skipping that one.
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: My wife says that sex and intimacy is just another job.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, I mean, that's what we're talking about, right?
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: So let's take that one right there because.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: I think that's the way most low desire spouses feel that sex is just a job.
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: If that comes with mindset, negative mindset about sex, right.
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: Like if you've already told yourself in your mind that it's just one more person to take care of or it's just another job you have to do, you kind of turn sexual intimacy into a negative thing.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: And you're going to look at it negatively from that point on, like, everything sexual related is going to look negative to you, absolutely.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: It's just.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: You're exactly right.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: If you're a person in life that looks at the let's just say you look at the glass half full, right.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: You look at everything through a negative lens.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: You're going to look at sex or whatever through a negative lens and anytime that subject or that topic or whatever comes up, you're going to look at it negatively.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: It is amazing how simple or how important it is to look at things from.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: Well, let me back up.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I'm kind of fumbling my words.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: Perception is everything.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: If we, if all a lower desire spouse did was change their mindset about sex, that could that alone could completely change everything.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: We have heard of people that went from wanting zero sex and hating sex to becoming the higher desire spouse because all they did is change their mindset and they convinced themselves, instead of sex being an awful and horrible thing that they don't want to do and they don't enjoy.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: They figured out how to change their mindset.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: The sex is a wonderful thing, it brings us closer together, it's, you know, whatever.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: And that, and these people have literally become the higher desire spouse just by changing their mindset about what sex looks like in the relationship.
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: For sure For sure.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: So again, if you look at sex as a positive thing, then you're going to sex is probably going to be a good thing.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: If you look at sex as a negative thing and a duty and a chore, that's the way sex is always going to be and you're never going to want it.
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, totally agree with you, and not even just that.
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: But when we call it just sex, it changes what it is, because in marriage it should be sexual intimacy, like there's a really big difference between the two.
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: If you, if you start calling it, even just in your mind, sexual intimacy with my spouse, it kind of changes your mindset about what it is right, totally agree, so if it's just sex.
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: It's just sex.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: You feel like it's going to be just another job.
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: Or, if you call it sexual intimacy, it's being intimate with your.
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: I mean intimacy creates other areas of intimacy, so right, they beat off each other.
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: Another one said this was really long, so it's separated.
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: She wanted sex but I would decline.
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: It would wreck her emotions.
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: So that was a higher drips wife.
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: There I see it more as selflessness to make sure his needs are met, despite me not being in the mood.
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: So what I get from that comment is that she looks at more as a selfless selflessness act or service to make sure his needs are met, even if I'm not in the mood.
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: So she's still calling it duty sex, but it sounds like she's positive about it being a duty sex because she's probably found a way to enjoy it and it's not thinking of it as a negative service project.
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: It was early in our marriage before we learned how to be intentional.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: Not being in the mood or angry but hubby, hungry for sex, wanted to appease him creates resentment.
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: So, yeah, if you're not in the mood and you're just doing it for all physical reasons, it is going to create resentment.
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: Another answer was sometimes you have to take one for the team and he never knew it.
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: That's okay, right, if you Okay.
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: So me and Nick are just super open about this conversation.
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: But I'm just going to flat out admit I don't have a high-each sex drive, absolutely.
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: I take one for the team all the time and I have no problem telling Nick that I don't have to hide that Like this is for you tonight, but I'm going to enjoy it for you, like there's no problem saying that to your spouse and he's like okay, thanks, he does stuff for me, right.
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: Like that's fine Win-win.
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: Another answer no libido for me, but I love him and it's his lumb language.
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: He can feel the difference.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: That's awesome.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: You want to respond to that.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: That's like.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: I think that's great Because men don't want duty sex.
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: Husbands don't want duty sex.
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: They want their wife to want to make love to him, or they don't even.
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: It's just sex again.
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: Once again, it's just sex.
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: And husbands want sexual intimacy, not just sex.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: Or most husbands, right, let's see.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm getting back to it.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: Like a lot of women don't have the drive, like you don't have the drive, but once we start making love, you enjoy it.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: It's just getting to that point.
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: And if you have a positive mindset.
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: That's the way it works for a lot of wives.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: So if a wife can think instead of thinking oh not sex again.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Really, I just got to do this If they can have the mindset.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: Like you know, it takes me a little while to get into it, but I enjoy it.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: So how do I prepare to get into it?
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: Or how can I look at this from a different standpoint, to enjoy it rather than, I guess, despise it or not want to do it?
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: This guy says I'm a husband, so I don't think this is something I've ever felt, but I'm sure my wife has.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: That's normal.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that is normal.
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: If that's your marriage, you're pretty normal.
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: Another comment said no real connection and then out of the blue, being told if you want sex, come now.
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: That's the kind of stuff that makes sex be just sex and not sexual intimacy.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: Right, like feeling like there's no emotional connection previous.
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: However, though that's very important.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: However, if you said, hey, if you want sex, let's do it now, I wouldn't be offended.
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: Well, that's because you're the guy.
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: That depends which wife is saying that, right, or which wife or husband is saying that when you don't feel that you have the urge, but you know you need to serve your spouse.
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: That's what she's calling duty sex, and I agree.
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: So I think that we get the in our mind that duty is bad and it becomes a negative thing.
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: But I feel like we have duty sex a lot, Not that it's bad, but maybe it is more for him.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: Maybe it is more for him sometimes.
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: But if you learn to enjoy it or just be like hey, I'm serving you, but I'm going to enjoy it too, then it's not such a bad thing, right?
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it's how you take that word in, I think.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: So we in this podcast, we said how do I want to start making love again?
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: Right, how do we take it from duty sex to start wanting to?
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: So you want me to stop reading this?
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: No, but that's the question I think we're asking and what everyone is.
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: Okay, so I asked a question after that.
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: Okay, the next question is what advice would you give to someone who feels like sex is always feeling like a duty?
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: Okay, so let's just jump into that Great question.
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: Communicate.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: They actually want you to enjoy it too, which is what we just said, right Longer discussion.
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: That's the let's see.
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: So remember Jesus' words it's more blessed to give than to receive.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: No, that's great advice.
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: Figure out what causes pleasure for you and help your spouse figure out what that is.
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: So if you're feeling like it's a duty I know we've said this a million times figure out how to enjoy it.
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: And even if you know you need foreplay and you know you need to get aroused first and it takes a positive mindset first if you're still willing and you know it's good for the marriage, then hopefully between the two of you, you can figure out how to make it enjoyable right.
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: Which is kind of what we've done in our marriage.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: Is that good?
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: Communicate mindset.
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: Sex is an investment in building intimacy.
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: It is a way to speak love, so foster the mood.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: I like that.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: That's a good one.
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a great one.
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: Sometimes it can change and become satisfying.
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: It's nice to say yes if your spouse wants to be intimate with you, and we did an episode just recently that you should be flattered if your spouse wants to make love to you, because so many high drive wives are reaching out to us and saying I would do anything for my spouse to desire me sexually, unlike we did in that one podcast episode.
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: Like when a wife is a high drive and she's not getting that, she's also not getting the emotional connection.
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: She's missing out on both.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: Probably right.
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: She's missing out on both, which really hurts, really hurts.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: Find the root cause.
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: Find ways to make it beneficial for you so it doesn't feel like a duty.
• 16:11
  Speaker 3: And I feel like the low drive spouse.
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: If it's feeling like a duty, I feel like it's kind of their responsibility to figure out why To kind of maybe fix the situation a little bit.
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: Like I understand, like if you're not feeling emotionally connected and that's why it's feeling like a duty, that definitely goes on your spouse.
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: But if your spouse is loving and respectful and is good emotionally and you have a good, loving marriage, I feel like that's more on the low drive spouse figuring out why do I not enjoy it, and that's your responsibility to help your spouse figure that out.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: Well, we had this discussion not too long ago, as we were laying in bed I was saying I'm the high desire spouse and I wish sometimes I wasn't such a high desire, right, right, and Amy's the low desire spouse.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: She enjoys it once we get into it, but it's getting, I guess, past that point.
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: Right, right, and exactly what she just said, like because the low desire spouse typically controls if and when sex happens.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: What you're saying is it's up to the low desires spouse to figure out why they're the low desire, right, like what?
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: Well, I already know why I'm low desire because I am a woman and I don't have a penis.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, but instead of just using the excuse and saying, well, I'm low desire and I don't crave it, therefore we're never going to have it, and dismissing how your husband feels, or maybe the high desire wife, instead of just saying this is how I feel, therefore I'm going to control, when an if sex happens, is taking a look inside and saying why do I not desire it?
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: Am I too stressed?
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: Does it not feel good?
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: Are we not emotionally connected?
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: Are we?
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: you know, whatever the Am I not having orgasms every time?
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: Is my orgasms not long enough?
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: Does it not feel good the whole time?
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: Am I, too, worn out?
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: So that, like I even I was flat out honest with Nick last night.
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: I even told him.
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: I said you know, some nights I am kind of worn out, and the fact that I already showered, got ready for bed, climbed into bed and now I've got to get undressed Not that I mean that's a really stupid excuse, but I think a lot of women have been there before and they're just like oh, now I've got to put all this effort into foreplay and it doesn't feel good as long as it does for you, like, is it worth the effort?
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: The orgasms are great, but are they great enough to go through all that effort?
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: Those are the kind of conversations that you can have.
• 18:34
  Speaker 3: Yeah Right, if you're really open and we have a lot of them, but it's important.
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: No which is good, and I say that jokingly because we like having those conversations.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: That's why we do these podcasts is because we talk about them all the time, and there's been so many times where, like, why were we not recording that conversation?
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: Like we just had an amazing conversation and then, of course, the next day, I don't remember.
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: I was like I'm 40, almost 48 and I'm getting old.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: I can't remember what we talked about.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: So, like, okay, but it's so true, it's so true.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: But so, coming from a look, okay, so you're the lower desire spouse, coming from a low desire spouse, what strategies would you say?
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: Because this is how do I want to start making love again?
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: So, for the low desire spouses out there, what are things they can do to implement To try to get that desire back, to start making love?
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: Like, what have you done?
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: Well, I already said it, the first one is change your mindset Right.
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like it's all about your brain.
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: It's all about your brain.
• 19:43
  Speaker 3: So for a low desire spouse, it's okay.
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: Like you said, why am I not creating it?
• 19:50
  Speaker 3: Why is it not good enough or long enough?
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: Or why am I not enjoying enough physically?
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: Do I need to try something new?
• 19:58
  Speaker 3: Do I need to bring in a toy?
• 19:59
  Speaker 3: Do I need to teach my spouse more about my body?
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: So taking that responsibility like how do I make it better for me, is probably number one, right.
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think.
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: Oh, you're asking me.
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah Well, I just want to read this other comment.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: It said would love check-ins but hubby won't really talk about stuff.
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: That's a big problem.
• 20:25
  Speaker 3: Because I think that's one of the answers you're looking for is like it's important to have these conversations, Like, if you're feeling like it's a duty, that's a conversation you need to go straight to with your spouse.
• 20:34
  Speaker 3: Why am I feeling like this?
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: Or what you have to self-diagnose a little bit.
• 20:39
  Speaker 3: There Be like what is my husband maybe not doing?
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: Or what am I not doing?
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and how do we fix this?
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: This is a team issue.
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, for sure, this is a couple issue right, this isn't just a me issue or a you issue.
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: Something's off Something's off Agreed.
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: And then the next answer is another comment that I got.
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: It said do you orgasm?
• 20:58
  Speaker 3: If not, figure it out ASCP.
• 21:00
  Speaker 3: Get excited about what makes you enjoy it so that you want it.
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: And again that goes with mindset.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: It goes with mindset, exactly that goes with mindset.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like we said, figure out why you're not enjoying it.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: I think another important thing too is, like, for a lot of couples, the initiate initiation pattern is always the same, right when it comes to sex.
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: How do you feel about like changing the initiation patterns?
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: Like, if a, if a low-desire spouse Maybe initiates a different way, or initiates a different time, or something that's maybe the?
• 21:41
  Speaker 3: lower.
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: The lower desire spouse is probably not gonna initiate.
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: I know that all you height desire spouses out there like I wish the lower desire spouse is gonna initiate when it is not something that your body is telling you you need.
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: It is not natural for you to be like, oh I'm gonna go initiate sex tonight.
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: I'm just.
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: I'm just being honest.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: So what?
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: Maybe even the higher-desire spouse?
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: And it's changing the initiating maybe that's your question.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe that's your question is how maybe the higher-desire spouse changes the approach on initiating.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: So it's at a time where maybe things aren't as stressful, or they it's not.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: At the end of the day, their wife's too tired or what have you, I don't know, just throwing some well, like I would never be too tired for this right, well, I was just saying, yeah, I'm too tired, like Once again it comes back to conversations like why are you so tired?
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: So your wife's like I'm too tired tonight, don't touch me.
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: I mean, we've talked about how you can deny in nicer ways, right, like maybe tomorrow or, you know, be honest with them, tell him why, but but ask her what is it that made you so tired today?
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: And how can I be a better husband or a better father or Just a better person tomorrow to help you not be so tired?
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: Right, like, what can I do?
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: What's making you so tired?
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, correct, absolutely.
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: Like, once again, this is a team issue.
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: If someone feels like it's a duty, then as a team you need to figure out what is that barrier?
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: What is that barrier?
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, curiosity and intimacy, or variety and sexual experiences.
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: How do you feel about from a woman's standpoint, because obviously you created the app right.
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: We we, but it was your idea.
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: It was my idea, but we use experts to help.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so how do you think that plays into it from a low-desire spouse standpoint, because we're obviously talking about what are the things that can reignite passion Predominantly, and maybe a lower-desire spouse, so it doesn't feel like duty sex?
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: How do you feel like the curiosity or variety with the sexual experience?
• 23:50
  Speaker 3: I think that you have to Be open, which comes with positive mindset about sex, but be open to Trying new things, even if you're like, oh no, don't want to do that.
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: You got to try something before you can really say no, I don't want to do that, right?
• 24:06
  Speaker 3: If?
• 24:07
  Speaker 3: it's something you both consent to and you're like, let's at least try and give it a try, and then if you hate it, or we both hate it, that's fine.
• 24:13
  Speaker 3: But you have to be willing to be like and like, change up the atmosphere once in a while.
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: Well, I love in your car.
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: Great a hotel or a great example of that is like introducing a vibrator Into the love making.
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like we, we were very against it, we tried it and now it's like okay, that makes it better for everybody way better for her, which makes it better for me, and so, yeah, being able to experience and try new things and find out.
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: What makes it even better because, as we shared in a podcast quite a while ago, one of the one of the reasons why your spouse may not be craving the sexual intimacy like you do is because maybe it's not as enjoyable for them.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: For whatever reason, For sure.
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: Well, you know women's brains.
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you don't, I don't, you don't.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: I only I've heard through you and this is.
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: This is a poll we're gonna share soon, but we actually I was looking back at some our stories from last year and some polls that we took and we asked about hey, how many times during making love is your brain kind of like go somewhere else to the women Because the men are like no, doesn't that never happens, right?
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, even even when we're not making love, a lot of us men are Thinking about one thing.
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: You're still thinking about making love.
• 25:29
  Speaker 3: Your mind does not wander.
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: And then we asked the women that, and how many times during sex Does that happen?
• 25:35
  Speaker 3: And it was like every woman said at least once, and most were multiple times.
• 25:40
  Speaker 3: And then we asked what do you think about?
• 25:42
  Speaker 3: And I've got an entire list.
• 25:44
  Speaker 3: There's like a hundred things cooking, if my kids are gonna walk in.
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: What my to-do list tomorrow?
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: If I got my to-do list today, what's?
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: the temperature in the house right now.
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: What was the temperature in Mexico?
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: Because we're, if we go in, six months, that's probably not thinking about.
• 26:04
  Speaker 3: But my point is our as a husband.
• 26:07
  Speaker 3: You don't understand because you're not a woman, and we don't understand our husbands because we're not men, right?
• 26:12
  Speaker 3: So that's where we have to talk about these things, like my mind's wondering.
• 26:17
  Speaker 3: Why is my mind wondering?
• 26:18
  Speaker 3: How do I focus more?
• 26:19
  Speaker 3: How do I relieve more stress before?
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: How do I make sure that the kids are sound asleep?
• 26:24
  Speaker 3: Unlock the door, like?
• 26:25
  Speaker 3: How do you get yourself In a place where you don't have to worry about your mind wandering to other things?
• 26:29
  Speaker 3: And it happens.
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
• 26:31
  Speaker 3: It's fine, it's natural, but right oh, absolutely, I think, yeah, yeah.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: So let's talk about emotional Intimacy.
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: I mean from a woman's standpoint.
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: I mean, how important is emotional intimacy in getting you more interested in making love?
• 26:55
  Speaker 3: No wife wants to make love if they're not feeling emotionally connected to their spouse.
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: All right you know, so say there.
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: So, cultivate.
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: Okay that I have another poll answer that answers your question.
• 27:07
  Speaker 3: She says cultivate intimacy outside of the bedroom before being in the bedroom correct your answer correct.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, simple right yeah, all right.
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: Next strategy on the list to reignite passion is Quality time together.
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: Quality time is big.
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: You want to expand on that, or?
• 27:34
  Speaker 3: not really.
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: So how do we, how do I not say too much info?
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: So quality time.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: Quality time could be like enjoying activities together, going on a vacation, like for whatever reason, when Amy and I go on a vacation, we make love a lot more often because there's no distractions.
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: Because there's no distractions, we're spending quality time together, we're connecting the on the emotional level, almost like a big date.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, we cover a lot of things.
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: People cover a lot of things when they are on vacation, but it's no different, even if you're not on vacation.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: Spending quality time together is a great way to Disconnect on a deeper level.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: And if you're, if the low-desire spouse is Filling emotionally connected, the desire to connect physically is probably going to be greater.
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: For sure, for a lot of them not all of them, but a lot of them if, if you're a low-desire spouse and you just Are kind of thinking I'm more doing it for the high-desire spouse, you absolutely are not even gonna go there in any way if you're not emotionally connected.
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: Right like your marriage has to be a really good place for you to even want to serve your spouse right.
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, yeah, absolutely, prioritizing intimacy.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: Now, how in the world can this be a strategy to reignite passion?
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: You're asking.
• 29:05
  Speaker 3: You're speechless.
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: I don't know who you're asking.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: I haven't seen you speechless very often.
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: Can you give me a direct question?
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: Well like how can prioritizing intimacy help intimacy, Help sexual intimacy and help sex not to become duty sex?
• 29:25
  Speaker 3: So many answers.
• 29:27
  Speaker 3: I'm just sorry.
• 29:28
  Speaker 3: I'm just trying to decide which one.
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: I put you on the spot.
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: I totally did.
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: Once again, I think that's really hard for a low-desire spouse because our minds are probably on other things, because naturally we don't have that strong sex drive.
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: Right, but you prioritize what you love in life.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: That's what I was looking for.
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: Is that what you were looking for?
• 29:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly, and I think a lot of husbands are saying my wife loves her phone and her social media way more than she loves me, because that's where all her time goes.
• 29:57
  Speaker 3: So when you climb into bed, if you pick up your phone, you're showing your spouse I can sit on social media for an hour, but I can't touch you.
• 30:05
  Speaker 3: I would rather do this and I'd rather swipe my phone than make love to you, right?
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're going to prioritize in life what is most important to you.
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: And if people are out there thinking, ah, it's not true, it is true.
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: If you are prioritizing your phone over your kids and your husband, then your phone is more important.
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: If you are prioritizing work over your relationship, then your work is more important.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: You are going to prioritize the important things in your life and so to make those connecting experiences or that sexual intimacy together just saying you know what I'm going to try to, instead of this being number 100 on the list of 100 things to do, I'm going to try to bump this up to you know, whatever that is, but at least moving that up the priority list.
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: It's a lot more likely that's going to happen more often and it's going to not be looked at as, oh, it's duty sex, because you're actually prioritizing it and saying that this is important in our relationship, it's important to him or it's important to her, and making that a priority.
• 31:14
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: I got a comment that said sex is the fruit of what you are doing outside the bedroom.
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: That's the real homework, which goes along with the emotional intimacy that you have right, for sure.
• 31:30
  Speaker 3: Like, and you're the one that always says sex is a temperature for your marriage.
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: Your sexual intimacy in your marriage is a thermometer to show the temperature of your marriage.
• 31:39
  Speaker 3: So people that are prioritizing, like you said, and making sure the intimate time a couple times a week or whatever works for your marriage is prioritized.
• 31:48
  Speaker 3: The other aspects of the marriage are going to be even better too, and when the other aspects of the marriage are good, then that's prioritized Like it's like the perfect circle.
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: You can't break that circle really and it's really hard to get back there.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: It really is.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: So if you're a lower-desire spouse and you do have the mindset and feel like, oh it's just, it feels like duty sex, change your mindset.
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: That alone will probably make a significant difference.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: Don't look at sex as being this horrible thing that you have to do.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: Look at it as a way to connect, to make your spouse happy, to serve each other.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: I mean, there's just.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: There's so many benefits of being sexually intimate with your spouse, you know.
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: Spend quality time together, go on trips, go on date night, whatever.
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: Just spend more time together.
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: Connect emotionally.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: If you connect emotionally, the chances are you're going to connect more physically and make intimacy a priority in your relationship.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: And try different things to spice things up.
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: Give those things a try and see if it makes a difference in your attitude towards sex and takes you from duty sex to actually enjoying sex.
• 33:08
  Speaker 3: Go back and listen to the one we did on playing games together in your marriage, naked.
• 33:14
  Speaker 3: Do something fun and spontaneous and out of the box.
• 33:17
  Speaker 3: That's the problem is, we all get stuck in this every daily routine Put the kids to bed, get ready for bed, clean up the house, take a shower, whatever Read, climb into bed, jump on our phones that's probably 90% of Americans, or like people, right yeah?
• 33:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you got to switch that up.
• 33:40
  Speaker 3: You got to do something fun.
• 33:41
  Speaker 3: You got to take a hot shower together or to hot bath together or go play a game together.
• 33:46
  Speaker 3: Get on the app together, spark up some new conversation game together.
• 33:49
  Speaker 3: Just do something new.
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: Totally agree, totally agree.
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: So anything else to add as we wrap up this podcast?
• 34:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I had one more comment I just wanted to talk about said learn what you enjoy and what feels good to you and make your pleasure a priority.
• 34:09
  Speaker 3: I think for most women that are lower drive spouses, we get in our heads that it's for them, it's for my husband, this is always for my husband because he's the man.
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: If you can literally switch that mindset to, how do I make it for me and that's not selfish, because your husband wants that right, like that's not a selfish thing.
• 34:33
  Speaker 3: How do I make it so?
• 34:36
  Speaker 3: More orgasm is amazing and how do I?
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: What do I need to incorporate into our lovemaking to make my pleasure as high as his pleasure?
• 34:45
  Speaker 3: A vibrator?
• 34:46
  Speaker 3: Well, not for all people.
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: No, I'm saying like for the women that maybe don't enjoy sex.
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: That could be a great tool to maybe help them enjoy it more.
• 34:58
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 34:59
  Speaker 3: That was life changing for us and anyone that's already heard all of our podcasts about that know that.
• 35:03
  Speaker 3: Like we were so against, so I.
• 35:06
  Speaker 3: One night I was just totally open with Nick and I'm like you know why I don't prioritize it all the time is because and I know you already said this is because it feels really good to you for the entire 30 minutes and it only feels good to me for like literally 60 seconds or 30 seconds, and it's a lot of effort for foreplay if it's not feeling physically good that whole time.
• 35:27
  Speaker 3: Maybe that's why a lot of women aren't prioritizing as much so incorporating a small toy or a penis ring or the vibe of mini vibrator or the regular one.
• 35:37
  Speaker 3: We tried so many things to make it so that it felt good the entire time, like it does for a man, because most husbands will admit it feels good the entire time.
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: Right, I would think so.
• 35:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not like it's not like that for most women.
• 35:52
  Speaker 3: So what I'm trying to say is figure out how to make it awesome for you, and then your mindset will probably automatically shift to this is enjoyable for me.
• 36:05
  Speaker 3: This is great.
• 36:06
  Speaker 3: This feels really really good, because women love body massages and being touched right.
• 36:11
  Speaker 3: It should feel that amazing.
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: It should feel that amazing I agree and, like we said, we we've found some amazing products that we totally love.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: You can check them out at shopultimateintimacycom and let us know if you have any questions.
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: We're happy to answer any questions.
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: As you hear, we're pretty open about things and if there's questions you have it may be a little bit embarrassed Just write us and email us, I guess, and let us know we're happy to answer your questions.
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: So absolutely.
• 36:41
  Speaker 3: We get those questions all day long.
• 36:43
  Speaker 3: So it's totally.
• 36:44
  Speaker 3: We get people that are like I've never tried a toy, I'm against toys.
• 36:48
  Speaker 3: Here's why we get all sorts of questions and we're happy to happy to answer.
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: Absolutely so, so message us with any questions that you have, and we hope you enjoyed the podcasts and until next time, we hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.