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How Do You Build Community In Your 20s? · The imuRgency Room

• 0:00
  Hello and welcome back to the emergency room.
• 0:02
  And today we have a very special episode.
• 0:05
  First and foremost, we are in the Spotify offices again, but
• 0:08
  this time we are not interviewing someone from
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  Spotify. We are actually having a very
• 0:12
  engaged and special and dear conversation with some of the
• 0:17
  closest people in my life, my best friend Quest Morris and my
• 0:21
  brother making his first debut in the Robinson.
• 0:25
  How's. It going.
• 0:28
  It's crazy. It's been a long time coming.
• 0:30
  We've been talking about this for a minute.
• 0:31
  We've actually been talking about this forever.
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  Actually. I think this was like one of the
• 0:34
  first conversations we had once we like locked in and we're
• 0:37
  like, we're going to be friends. We need.
• 0:38
  To start a podcast. Because no shade, you did say
• 0:42
  that you were going to start your own podcast and you're
• 0:44
  waiting on that podcast equipment and that was three
• 0:46
  years. Ago, so this is not.
• 0:49
  The hot seat, right? No, I've been waiting for this
• 0:51
  exact moment to be like, so let's see.
• 0:54
  Well, all things come in due time, right?
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  That's true. You know, we're in the exact
• 0:57
  moment that we're supposed to be, all three of us together,
• 1:00
  having this moment together. I feel like we could not ask for
• 1:03
  a better moment to like, do this 'cause we're in the fucking
• 1:07
  Spotify studios like. If we're going to do it, you got
• 1:10
  to be with me. You got to do.
• 1:12
  A thing like really walking in here and seeing all this stuff
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  is insane. Like multiple cameras talk to me
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  and then like being with you guys like no, this is this is a
• 1:22
  cool experience for sure. Yes, thank you all for being
• 1:24
  here. I did bring you a hostage of
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  those of you that don't know Quest.
• 1:28
  And I've been friends for three years and Nuri and I've been
• 1:32
  friends slash brothers for life. And we're going to talk about
• 1:37
  all the things that have to do with that specifically around
• 1:39
  community, because I think community is a conversation that
• 1:43
  is kind of been like buzzified. It's one of the biggest buzz
• 1:47
  words right now for Gen. Z because everyone's looking for
• 1:50
  a community. Everyone wants to build
• 1:51
  community, but like no one knows how and no one knows how to
• 1:54
  maintain that even when they find it.
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  So I felt like it'd be fun to get a little conversation going
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  with the closest people in my life to foster the connections
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  that we have today and just to talk about that.
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  Because I think there is such power and such intentionality
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  that goes behind having intentional connections like
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  that. And I don't know, I think that
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  people need to know it's. Definitely one of those things
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  that like you said, people talk about, but they don't know what
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  to do. And I don't think it's for like
• 2:24
  lack of them trying. It's that we're in a world
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  nowadays where people legitimately is structured in a
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  way that doesn't allow for community, especially in America
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  is super and hyper individualistic.
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  And so like talking and being able to get those things out
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  there is a big part of like what we should be doing to form
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  community. I think we're also like
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  constantly bombarded with things all the time, right?
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  Everything Everywhere all at once.
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  So like certain things kind of fall by the wayside when I'm
• 2:51
  just trying to survive. Like I'm doing the best I can
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  with what I got right now. And it's a lot, yes.
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  I also feel like we rely on circumstance a little too much,
• 3:02
  right? Because like, we, we're friends
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  because we happen to be in the same general location or most of
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  our relationships at least, you know, for those who have been to
• 3:11
  college and stuff like that, it's trauma bonding, right?
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  Like we're all collectively going through this stuff.
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  So that's the easiest way to make friends.
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  But when you're out into the world and you're doing your
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  thing, it begins a little, It begins to be a little harder,
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  right? Because you have to put a lot
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  more intention into it then I guess you're used to because
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  you're around these people all the time previously, yeah.
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  I kind of love that you said that because I think especially
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  like with how we became friends, we kind of beat the odds like.
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  We have overcome. Go into it.
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  Yeah, like you want to talk about our Orient?
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  Story. Yeah, let me sit back.
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  Shit. Take us back to 2023.
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  Yeah. I feel like for me, and This is
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  why I say intention is so important because I had
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  originally relocated to DC from South Carolina.
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  And one of my biggest reasons was that community feel because
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  I don't feel like I had a substantial like amount of
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  people around me that share the same identities, that share the
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  same ideas. And so coming into that space, I
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  was very nervous because I was like, I'm out here by myself and
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  this is like the first big major adult life decision I'm making.
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  So of course, I'm like, this is very daunting.
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  I don't know what I'm going to do.
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  And This is why I like alignment is so crazy because I manifested
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  that for myself. I was like, I'm going to move
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  here. I'm going to have this community
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  is going to be really good for me.
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  But I had no idea where to start.
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  And so like when I got hired at the place that I was hired at.
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  That lovely, lovely place. Not going to name drugs them,
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  they don't deserve that for me. I will my alma mater.
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  So when I got hired there, I was like, you know, I don't want the
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  circumstantial friends, right? Circumstantial friendships.
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  Like, it was easy for me to be friends with my coworkers
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  because we work in the same space.
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  But I was like, you know, I really want a deep, emotionally
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  intense and meaningful relationship with people here.
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  And so I had heard so much about this guy named Emergency in the
• 5:15
  streets, right? His name, We're all in this GW
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  streets. And I was like, what's going on?
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  I don't know who that is. I don't know who that man.
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  I hate to say it. I hope I don't sound ridiculous.
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  I don't know who he is, but you know, I came across your
• 5:30
  Instagram and I was like, I'm going to follow him.
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  Hey, social media bringing people closer together.
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  And so he followed me back and I was like, wow, I feel like, you
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  know, maybe maybe we should maybe we could go somewhere with
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  this. But I didn't rigidly think much
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  of it because, you know, OK, you follow somebody, they follow you
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  back. That doesn't make you besties.
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  You know, I don't have parasocial relationships like
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  that. That wasn't a shot at anybody,
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  by the way, just in case you're watching.
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  So. Oh, OK.
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  So who's watching? And so I right.
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  And so I was like, OK, yeah, like, and then we started like,
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  conversing on their, like, commenting on each other's
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  stuff, like sliding up on the stories, all that other stuff.
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  And, you know, we were just like, you want to like, hang out
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  sometime? And I was like, I'm going to be
• 6:23
  a little forward. I'm going to shoot my friendship
• 6:25
  shot. Why not?
• 6:26
  And so we're like, yeah. And then it didn't happen for a
• 6:30
  while because we kept rescheduling.
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  You know, the forces that be did not want us together on those
• 6:35
  other days, and I think it worked out perfectly the day
• 6:37
  that we did end up hanging out. Yeah.
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  So, you know, I had to cancel. He had to cancel.
• 6:42
  We rescheduled. And so the only day that we
• 6:45
  ended up being free, which is so interesting, which I'm excited
• 6:49
  to see how this is going to affect our lives in the future.
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  But like, the only day we ended up being free together at the
• 6:56
  same time was Valentine's Day. Like hello, who's for
• 7:00
  anniversary is on Valentine's Day because like, we're not
• 7:03
  beating a single allegation with that at all.
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  And so like. I remember you walked in with
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  this. This gay ass outfit.
• 7:13
  I have never seen an outfit so homosexual in my life.
• 7:17
  If I can find a picture, I want to insert it because I think I
• 7:19
  need. We need to put it out here.
• 7:21
  Actually, we need to put it out. And so he walked in lavender
• 7:26
  suit, shirtless but with like this sparkle mesh underneath
• 7:32
  like it was giving we host finest and my dude, we were at
• 7:35
  some kind of like dive bar. I don't know where you were
• 7:38
  going after that because I did not think it was to a date.
• 7:43
  It was, It was to a date, but I'm saying like you were not
• 7:46
  dressed for a date, you know? And I think that first
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  conversation we had will always stick out to my mind because I
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  was really the first time that I feel like I had that level of
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  like deepness and intentionality, like right off
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  RIP. Like, I don't know if you
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  remember, but like I was, I was shocked.
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  I was shaking that first conversation because we we got
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  into it. I don't exactly remember what
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  you asked, but I remember how I felt in the moment.
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  And I was like, I feel very vulnerable.
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  I feel like naked right now because I think you were asking
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  about like, why I do what I do, like what my purpose is.
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  And I'm like, I've never had these kind of conversations with
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  like basically a stranger. Like we were strangers at that
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  point. And I can just tell that you
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  were coming from like such a genuine place.
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  Like you genuinely cared. Like you weren't just asking
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  just to be like, oh, what's your favorite color?
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  Like, let me learn these superficial things about you.
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  Like you genuinely care. And I'm like, wait, this feels
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  different. And this is someone that I think
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  I want to like, really invest time into because that's just
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  like so rare. Like especially now because I
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  feel like everything can be really surface level.
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  A lot of conversations can just be like really fleeting, but
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  like taking the time, like really see somebody when you
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  didn't have to. Like again, we were strangers at
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  that point. Like it could have just been
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  like a little high. It's so great to see you.
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  You're so fab, like, but it wasn't bad.
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  And I think the lesson in that were like the beauty in that is
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  just like showing up fully and like laying all the cards out on
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  the table. I think that is like the theme
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  of our friendship, of our relationship, like always, just
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  like showing up 100%. Like the good, the bad, the
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  ugly, the everything in between and just like accepting each
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  other and like loving each other through that and like wow, this
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  is a real ass bitch like this is.
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  Well, I think part of it came from my own like preservation
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  because I knew what kind of relationship I wanted and the
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  kind of relationship I did not want.
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  And because of that, I'm just like, I'm going to do my due
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  diligence and getting to know this person to see if they're a
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  good fit for me. Because I know that moving up
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  here, I wanted that community and I wanted to have anchor, so
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  to speak, because I, I did not have anybody up there.
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  And so I was just like, I have to make sure like this person is
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  really good for me and that I see like myself growing.
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  And I was just having a conversation.
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  And I don't only apply this to friendships, I apply it to
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  dating. But I do not associate myself
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  with people who don't inspire me.
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  And you know, from our conversations and from the way
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  that we interacted, I have consistently been inspired.
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  So I feel like, you know, this is one of the more rewarding
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  friendships I've been able to make.
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  I actually want to go back to what you're saying about like
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  the superficial relationships compared to the deeper ones.
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  And we see all the time on social media when people are
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  talking about I'm going to talk about aliens and I want to talk
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  about why do you feel like you're on this earth?
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  And I don't want to hear about your favorite color.
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  But a lot of the times that people, they kind of like
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  inflate that and, and go too deeply into there.
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  And I think those deeper conversations are difficult to
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  have. That's the whole reason why they
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  they don't get talked about that much.
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  And so in order to have those conversations, it's like you
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  have to be there and be willing to kind of be embarrassed in
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  front of somebody that you don't know.
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  And there's like a certain shield that gets put up.
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  And so it's like we can have a conversation on, you know, why
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  do you feel like you're on this earth or like, what do you feel
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  like you bring to your friends and your family?
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  But if you're going to not embrace that and tell the truth,
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  then you never really get to where you were trying to get to
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  in the 1st place. And it's like part of building
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  that community is like that sense of vulnerability and like
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  to know that, like, I am giving you information that could make
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  me feel like bad about myself. It can make me feel sad if, if
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  this information gets into the wrong hands, that's what it will
• 11:38
  be used for. But those kind of like
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  interactions and like saying that I'm going to give you this
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  and you're going to give it back to me is what makes these
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  relationships so beautiful. And that is what community
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  really is about. And so kind of getting into
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  like, how do you feel that we can manage and like remove that
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  emotional barrier of like being an open book and being so
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  private with your life? Like, how do you feel people
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  should go about that? I feel like people are afraid of
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  being hurt. Yeah.
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  And I think, I think that there is a lot of content and just
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  like messaging out there that like you should protect yourself
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  from being hurt and like being emotionally hurt is like the
• 12:26
  worst thing in the world and like you should avoid that at
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  all costs. But I honestly think it's like
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  the opposite. And I think that the reason why,
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  or I think the fact that we are so afraid of being hurt is the
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  reason why we have like this vulnerability issue, because to
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  be hurt is to honestly like feel one of the most rawest human
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  emotions. I don't know, do you remember
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  this, but I used to say before I'd ever been in a relationship
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  that I used to want to get broken up with and.
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  I used to. I think about that all the.
• 12:53
  Time I used to want to have my heart broken for the sole reason
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  that if I could have my heart broken, that meant that I had to
• 12:59
  give and I felt fully comfortable with somebody for a
• 13:02
  period of time. And like that was something that
• 13:04
  was like so interesting. And then I, you know, I got my
• 13:06
  heart broken and it was like it at the moment it hurt.
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  But then I like, I reflected back on that and realized like
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  this was literally what I wanted because I knew for a fact I felt
• 13:15
  what love was and I got like really embrace and sit in there.
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  And so like that gave me a perspective.
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  I'm like, how do I go and move throughout life with that new
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  perspective? This is a word OK.
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  Because you can't like go around life just being afraid of being
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  hurt or being afraid of like experiencing a negative emotion.
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  Because like it's in those moments that you grow as a
• 13:35
  person and arguably like become most authentic version of
• 13:39
  yourself because you've been at rock bottom, you've experienced
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  like the depths of whatever shit you got going on in your mind
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  and you're still able to come back from that.
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  Like you kind of evolve as a person with each heartbreak.
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  I do think that it takes, again, we're going back to attend a
• 13:55
  level of intentionality because you can come out of that more in
• 14:00
  a constructive way, but you can also become more destructive as
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  a result. So it really just depends on how
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  you look at it. I just think people need to be
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  less afraid of being open and hurt.
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  And I do want to push right now. So like again, I feel like this
• 14:17
  conversation has already been a great one, but people have had
• 14:20
  these conversations. What do you guys feel as what do
• 14:23
  you guys feel is the thing that people can do to learn those
• 14:26
  skills? Like at the end of the day, like
• 14:28
  saying stuff is cool, but if there isn't any, like if we're
• 14:31
  not progressing the conversation anyway, what is the purpose?
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  Like, how do you guys feel? If we're saying all right, let's
• 14:37
  be more vulnerable, what are steps people can take to like,
• 14:41
  actually live that? I think actively doing it, I
• 14:45
  know it's like got super help or actionable, but it is the truest
• 14:50
  form in my opinion. Like actually committing to
• 14:54
  doing it. And whether that's like seeking
• 14:57
  out that sort of her or vulnerability, like deciding
• 15:01
  that like today I am going to share this one piece of
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  information that like I normally wouldn't, it doesn't matter who,
• 15:08
  but I'm just going to share it. I'm going to get it out just
• 15:10
  like it used to, like that sort of, not necessarily projection
• 15:13
  therapy, but like being vulnerable in that way.
• 15:16
  I think you have to go on this, this, this spiritual journey,
• 15:20
  right? But it's more so aligned with
• 15:23
  the self-awareness piece, right? Like what?
• 15:26
  What are my likes? What are my dislikes?
• 15:28
  What are my triggers? You know, what are the things
• 15:31
  that I know that are going to prevent me from connecting with
• 15:37
  ABCD, right. And I think in that sense, you
• 15:39
  have to be hyper aware of those because they're going to
• 15:42
  manifest in whatever relationship you choose to
• 15:45
  build. And so you have to leave, have
• 15:46
  to actively work to kind of overcome those.
• 15:50
  But it's really like depended upon the person.
• 15:53
  What would you say? If, if I were explaining to
• 15:56
  somebody how to be vulnerable, be a community member, I think
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  the biggest thing is showing up and putting other people 1st.
• 16:06
  And so like microwaves of putting other people first.
• 16:08
  I like, I think there's something to be said about, you
• 16:11
  know, like being there for yourself.
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  We've learned that as a generation and I think we've
• 16:16
  overcorrected on it of saying like, I'm going to do everything
• 16:19
  for myself 1st. And so it's kind of like like
• 16:22
  micro dosing, helping other people.
• 16:24
  It's like something like I came in LA yesterday, it was 11/30.
• 16:28
  You pick me up from the airport. Something like that is good.
• 16:32
  I think other examples could be if your friend is having a bad
• 16:38
  day, learning different ways and actively learning different ways
• 16:42
  that you can help uplift them. That isn't just like hey, I'm
• 16:48
  I'm there for you. We can talk whenever isn't just
• 16:50
  getting them their favorite thing.
• 16:51
  Sometimes telling them like the more difficult thing that they
• 16:53
  need to hear. It's doing things for your
• 16:57
  friends, like your want all friends for people that you
• 17:00
  know, but you don't have like the best relationship with.
• 17:02
  If they invite you to a party, if they invite you to something
• 17:05
  like spend time to go there, whether it's like 30 minutes or
• 17:09
  like do some type of effort. And then I think it's a lot of
• 17:12
  smaller intentional things of like finding ways like
• 17:16
  communication. I think social media and
• 17:19
  technology have done a good and bad job at connecting us, but
• 17:23
  it's about how do you use these things and so constant
• 17:26
  communication and like using social media for what it's for.
• 17:29
  It is social media, like go out there and like be social on it.
• 17:32
  Don't try to hide everything and have your life be like super,
• 17:35
  super private. It's like going out there and if
• 17:38
  someone posts something that resonates with you at all, like
• 17:41
  comment on it and let them know how it resonates with you.
• 17:43
  Start talking to them about something that they find
• 17:45
  interesting and then like we see them in person, then bring that
• 17:48
  thing back up. It gives you something to talk
• 17:50
  about. So those are like a couple of
• 17:52
  examples. I also feel like we have to work
• 17:55
  on being more present, right? Because I feel like, you know,
• 17:58
  in a lot of these situations, we get in our heads, we think a lot
• 18:00
  about our insecurities, things that we don't want to reveal to
• 18:02
  people, all that other stuff. And I think that that causes us
• 18:05
  to pull away a lot. And because of that, you know, I
• 18:09
  really do recommend that people just be more present and in the
• 18:13
  moment because I feel like that's the most organic thing to
• 18:16
  do. Because I feel like if you have
• 18:18
  to construct something to make people perceive you a certain
• 18:23
  way, that obviously isn't going to be right.
• 18:26
  But that's not a good foundation to build anything that's organic
• 18:30
  on. I always say that you got to do
• 18:33
  your villager duties when it comes to like building a
• 18:37
  village, like everyone wants to be a village or everyone wants a
• 18:39
  village but wants to be a villager.
• 18:40
  And to me, that means like, like you said, like showing up to do
• 18:44
  the things you don't necessarily want to do, but you know are
• 18:46
  going to be impactful and meaningful to the people you
• 18:48
  care about or people that you want to build a relationship
• 18:51
  with. So like whether it is like
• 18:53
  picking your friends up from the airport, dropping them off or
• 18:57
  like going to different events that you may or may not have the
• 19:00
  energy for. Like, or even just like doing
• 19:03
  mundane stuff like hanging out when you don't have energy or
• 19:06
  like going to do errands or stuff like that.
• 19:09
  Like continuously showing up for people in ways that aren't
• 19:14
  really, that may not seem like super significant to you or may
• 19:16
  seem like inconveniences to you, but could mean the world to
• 19:20
  someone else or like could help someone else out because it may
• 19:23
  seem small, but you're impacting people's lives and you're,
• 19:27
  you're showing that you care and that you want to be intentional
• 19:30
  with them. And I think that that doesn't
• 19:34
  necessarily happen enough. Or when it does happen, it's
• 19:38
  seen as like more of a transactional thing, like, oh,
• 19:39
  you do this one thing for me or like I'm keeping tabs on how
• 19:42
  many things I'm doing for you, so why aren't you doing the same
• 19:45
  for me? Which?
• 19:46
  I'm also going to add that it should, even though you might it
• 19:49
  not might be. Excuse me, it may not be your
• 19:52
  favorite thing to do. You should at least genuinely
• 19:55
  want to do it because that is your friend.
• 19:58
  I also think that a lot of times when it starts to feel like a
• 20:01
  chore, you just don't want to do it.
• 20:03
  Like I don't want to be in a relationship with somebody who
• 20:07
  feels like relationship or friendship or anything with
• 20:10
  somebody who feels like showing up for me as a chore.
• 20:12
  And then in that sense, you're not aligned.
• 20:14
  That is not your friend. That doesn't need to be your
• 20:16
  friend. So I want to make that
• 20:18
  distinction when people are like, well, show up for things
• 20:20
  that you don't want to do. Well, what?
• 20:22
  Why don't you want to do it right?
• 20:24
  I I think you should generally want to show up for your people
• 20:27
  even though it's not your most favorite thing.
• 20:29
  But when it starts to feel like you're obligated to do it, then
• 20:32
  I think you should start questioning a lot of the
• 20:34
  motivations. I don't know how I feel about
• 20:38
  that cuz I don't, I don't know if it's necessarily like a a
• 20:43
  chore, but I think there are definitely times where like
• 20:47
  there are things that you just don't want to do, but you know
• 20:49
  it's going to be impactful or meaningful for someone else.
• 20:51
  Well, that's what I'm saying, like the foundation should
• 20:54
  always be like I want to show up for this person, right?
• 20:57
  But when it starts to like, OK, well, I don't really want to do
• 21:00
  anything. It isn't starting to feel like a
• 21:01
  chore Then, like maybe that's not the friendship for you.
• 21:03
  Do. You think that like I, I think
• 21:08
  at a certain extent, like things are just going to be difficult.
• 21:12
  And I think there's like, like beauty in that difficulty.
• 21:17
  And so it's like, I think I would say if I enjoy spending
• 21:20
  time with this person in any capacity, and then there was
• 21:23
  things that I just don't want to do, I won't necessarily say that
• 21:27
  that is somebody that I wouldn't want in my life.
• 21:30
  I guess what am I like, I guess I'm like trying to get at the
• 21:33
  point where it's like that difficulty of saying you don't
• 21:35
  want to do something if they bring you any type of
• 21:37
  satisfaction and joy should be the difficulty that we are
• 21:40
  pushing through. And it's like, I just think like
• 21:44
  all of that is what needs to be acted on.
• 21:49
  So like do you, you feel as if, I guess I'm trying to like
• 21:51
  understand you're thinking with that more?
• 21:53
  I feel like the relationship shouldn't be incredibly arduous.
• 21:56
  Like, I don't think that I should continuously feel like I
• 21:59
  have to force myself to do something with or for somebody,
• 22:03
  right? But the foundation, like I said
• 22:05
  earlier, should always be like, I genuinely want to maintain
• 22:07
  this friendship, even though it's not something that I
• 22:10
  necessarily want to do or like doing.
• 22:13
  But the motivation is always, I care for this person and I want
• 22:16
  to show up for them, right? But I feel like there's a
• 22:19
  distinct difference between that and just being like, this is
• 22:23
  starting to make me feel like I like this is just work that I
• 22:27
  just genuinely do not want to do.
• 22:29
  And in that sense, I don't think you and that person are aligned.
• 22:32
  It's like, if I don't feel like I'm willing to go and show up in
• 22:35
  these places for this person more often than not, then I
• 22:39
  don't think that that is something that you need to
• 22:41
  sustain personally. It's like a sign that yeah, I
• 22:45
  got it. Yeah, Well, yes.
• 22:47
  Like in that context, you have to come to terms with having
• 22:51
  that difficult conversation about separation because
• 22:54
  sometimes friendship breakups could be even worse than like
• 22:56
  romantic breakups. And you have to be on and it
• 23:01
  goes back to like self-awareness, that
• 23:02
  self-awareness piece. You have to be honest with
• 23:05
  yourself. You have to continuously like
• 23:07
  question the motivations for you doing things because even though
• 23:10
  this friendship is not serving you, you are continuously
• 23:14
  maintaining it for the sake of not want to hurt the other
• 23:16
  person's feelings, not want to be the bad guy, all that other
• 23:19
  stuff. But you have to face the music
• 23:21
  like. In that situation where you feel
• 23:23
  you're not connected with somebody, I think you find a way
• 23:26
  to connect is and it's like if you just straight up do not like
• 23:29
  somebody, that is one thing where it's like we can go our
• 23:32
  separate ways, but the whole like it being a toll.
• 23:37
  I think it should be a journey between the two of you to find a
• 23:41
  way to connect with each other that isn't like that.
• 23:45
  So it's like, where are you guys meeting in the middle ground?
• 23:46
  Because if you feel some type of way about somebody or not about
• 23:50
  somebody, but like hanging out or doing this thing with them is
• 23:54
  a like is something that tolls on you, then that means that
• 23:59
  they're not meeting you halfway. And so like that's the
• 24:01
  conversation and it's like, how do we meet?
• 24:03
  So like there's something I want to do, something you want to do.
• 24:06
  Where do we meet in the middle and how do we find a way?
• 24:09
  It's like, enjoy ourselves, even if that's in less of a capacity
• 24:12
  than it was previously. I'm not saying don't try and
• 24:16
  don't put in effort. I think any meaningful
• 24:18
  relationship requires effort. I'm saying that if more often
• 24:22
  than not, it's starting to feel like this is not serving you,
• 24:25
  then maybe this just is not the thing for you.
• 24:28
  And that is OK to admit to yourself, no matter how much you
• 24:31
  like the person, no matter how much you're like, Dang, because
• 24:34
  I know me and I used to be that person.
• 24:36
  I used to be a fixer. I would be like, I don't put in
• 24:38
  all this work, this relationship to make it yadda, yadda, yadda.
• 24:42
  And I don't want to let it go for the sake of I put in a lot
• 24:44
  of time, energy and effort. And I would hate to see that
• 24:47
  just walk out the door. But again, I also have to
• 24:50
  acknowledge that this is not serving me whatsoever.
• 24:54
  I'm not happy. And I don't think that this is
• 24:57
  something that I need to continue.
• 24:58
  So This is why I start to have those conversations.
• 25:01
  I consistently evaluate my relationships with people and
• 25:04
  like, you know, is this giving me what I need?
• 25:06
  And then if it's not, I have those.
• 25:08
  Conversations of like evaluating relationships.
• 25:12
  So like what would you say is that evaluation criteria?
• 25:15
  I don't have a formal rubric. I don't be like, OK, check,
• 25:18
  check, check. I don't do that every month like
• 25:21
  Rumi did this check right? But for me, I, it's more so
• 25:25
  like, do I feel like, I feel like the concept is so like
• 25:31
  abstract, but it's really just personal, right?
• 25:34
  Do I feel loved? Do I feel seen, right?
• 25:37
  Do I feel cared for in the ways that make me feel cared for, not
• 25:41
  just how the other person wants to care for me?
• 25:44
  And that shows a level of intentionality that shows a
• 25:46
  level of effort. And for me, I consistently think
• 25:49
  about that because if my, if any of those questions are no, I'm
• 25:54
  asking why, right? Why is it like that?
• 25:57
  And I'm willing to have the conversations.
• 25:59
  It's not like I'm like, this person isn't doing it F you're
• 26:01
  out of the class, right? But you know, once I have those
• 26:05
  conversations and based on the person's responses, I have to
• 26:08
  make a decision on if this is serving me anymore and if.
• 26:12
  It's, I feel like that's a great like differentiator of like what
• 26:16
  it is, where it's like if you have a, if you have a
• 26:18
  relationship with somebody, difficulty isn't a thing that
• 26:21
  should pull you away from that person.
• 26:23
  It's what you said right there of like, how do they make me
• 26:26
  feel in a way that I know could be changed?
• 26:30
  And so because relationships are always 2 sided, that is part of
• 26:33
  like the conversation of, of, you know, I feel as if I'm doing
• 26:37
  this thing for you. I don't feel as if you were
• 26:39
  doing it for me. Not necessarily in like a
• 26:41
  transactional like, are you loving me the way I want to be
• 26:44
  loved? And I, I think that's something
• 26:46
  that comes up like so much nowadays, like people feel as if
• 26:49
  they love you and they will say, I love you so much, but they're
• 26:52
  loving you in the way that they want to love you.
• 26:55
  And that's good and all, but at the end of the day, everybody is
• 26:58
  different. And it's like trying to like
• 26:59
  find that for your friend. That is a difficulty you as the
• 27:03
  individual have to go through loving your people that they
• 27:05
  with the way that they want to be loved.
• 27:08
  And then like vice versa. And it's like if everybody is
• 27:10
  consistently thinking about that, I feel like that's where
• 27:12
  like the most growth happens. So yeah, I agree with you.
• 27:15
  I. Think that's the case for like
• 27:17
  all relationships, whether that's like friends or family
• 27:19
  and that's kind of like a segue I want.
• 27:21
  To get into because you got friends and family here, Yeah.
• 27:25
  Really quick, I just wanted to say before we transition to
• 27:29
  family, just about friends quest, I want to give you your
• 27:33
  flowers because I feel like our friendship actually changed my
• 27:37
  brain chemistry forever. And when it comes to things like
• 27:40
  we're talking about like prior to meeting you and prior to
• 27:43
  being friends with you, like I was a very guarded person, like
• 27:47
  very afraid of vulnerability, was not super close to anybody.
• 27:51
  Like I had, I had a lot of friends, but they're pretty
• 27:53
  surface level. Like no one really like got to
• 27:55
  know me in that way. A lot of friends would be like,
• 27:58
  oh, I feel like I don't know anything about you or like I see
• 28:01
  you all the time, but I only, I don't, I don't know all these
• 28:03
  things about you and I'd be really secretive about things
• 28:04
  oddly. But through meeting you, I
• 28:07
  learned how to be not only like a better friend, but a better
• 28:11
  person. And I wanted to just.
• 28:13
  Like I gotta cry. Take some time to thank you for
• 28:15
  that because really, truly there is a roomy before quest and a
• 28:19
  roomy after quest. Wow.
• 28:21
  And I talked to my therapist about this all the time.
• 28:23
  I'm like, this man was the catalyst.
• 28:27
  And I think there's something really beautiful and something
• 28:29
  that we can all really learn from that and just really
• 28:33
  trusting and being vulnerable and being open to just being
• 28:37
  hurt and, and being heard and seen in a way that I feel like a
• 28:42
  lot of people don't and that they deserve to.
• 28:44
  So thank you so much for seeing me and always being just like a
• 28:49
  safe space for me. And you want to know where the
• 28:51
  motivation for that comes from? Like, like, why approach like
• 28:55
  building my relationship with people like that?
• 28:57
  Because like growing up, I, because of the identities that I
• 29:00
  have, I did not feel very secure, right emotionally in my
• 29:06
  home life, in my situation. And I love my family, don't get
• 29:09
  me wrong, but I don't feel like they had the tools to see me in
• 29:13
  the ways that I wanted to be seen, which I think in that
• 29:16
  sense led me to discover exactly the kind of relationships I
• 29:20
  wanted in the relationships I did not and how I wanted to be
• 29:25
  loved because for a long time I didn't love me.
• 29:29
  And I was like, you know, I used to find it in other places, used
• 29:33
  to be very like, I need this kind of affirmation or external
• 29:36
  validation because that's what makes me feel good, right?
• 29:41
  And again, not that my family didn't love me, but it's a
• 29:43
  different level of, you know, being loved and then being truly
• 29:46
  like seen, right? And for a long time I didn't.
• 29:50
  And so with that, I was like, I know exactly the kind of
• 29:54
  relationships I want if I have the opportunity to choose my
• 29:58
  family, right? Because I believe like everybody
• 30:02
  has chosen family. Like you become a part of a
• 30:04
  dynamic that is so strong, so intentional, so intense that I
• 30:08
  feel like, you know, feels like family.
• 30:12
  And so I was just like, I'm going to build that for me,
• 30:15
  especially when I come out here to DC of people who have the
• 30:18
  same identities, who truly see each other.
• 30:21
  And that is how I approach that with you.
• 30:24
  So I appreciate that, you know, that is felt and I received
• 30:27
  that. I love you, I love you.
• 30:32
  And on the topic of family and chosen family, hey, Nuri.
• 30:39
  I feel like our relationship has blossomed and grown over the
• 30:44
  years. Like especially I was still
• 30:46
  friends. Like when they ask like, oh, are
• 30:48
  you close with your brother? I'm like, yeah, we're always
• 30:50
  like the closest. I feel like after, I want to say
• 30:53
  like maybe high school, when we started being in like the same
• 30:56
  spaces that our relationship deepened.
• 30:59
  And especially when we were both in college, I feel like that's
• 31:02
  when we, like, locked in more. Like I wanted to ask you like,
• 31:07
  how have you seen our relationship develop?
• 31:10
  Like what? What's your what's your take on
• 31:13
  on the brother dynamic? I really do things actually how
• 31:15
  you mentioned that quest kind of like open you up in the sense of
• 31:19
  like being more vulnerable because like during that same
• 31:22
  period of time, it really was noticeable.
• 31:24
  I guess that's not he's not just saying that for the camera of of
• 31:27
  course, I always knew who my brother was, but I knew who he
• 31:32
  portrayed himself to be to me. And so like kind of once we
• 31:35
  start to get to those periods of time where like we were in the
• 31:39
  same space and it was harder for you to like code switch family
• 31:42
  and friends and like all that, I got to see you for more of who
• 31:47
  you were to everybody else. And so that allowed me to change
• 31:50
  my conversations that I was having with you.
• 31:53
  That allowed me to change the conversations that I would go
• 31:55
  and bring to my friends. And kind of with that, I think a
• 32:00
  big part of that is understanding like family
• 32:06
  develops is like because I spent my entire life living with you.
• 32:09
  So I have a perception of who you are in my head.
• 32:12
  But then to see like you grow family often times sides to like
• 32:17
  say no, like you're the same roomie from when I knew you and
• 32:21
  when I had these past conversations with you.
• 32:23
  And it's like really getting a chance, like even right now and
• 32:26
  I'm in a room filled with people that you've met in relationships
• 32:29
  that you've cultivated. And it's like to be, you know, I
• 32:32
  kind of dropped into that and see how you've like, been like
• 32:37
  grown and like went about developing relationships has
• 32:41
  been something really interesting for me.
• 32:44
  And in terms like our relationship and how that's
• 32:46
  grown and changed, it's like we've gotten to a point where
• 32:48
  like there isn't too much that we don't tell each other.
• 32:50
  It was like things that happened within our family, things that
• 32:53
  happened within our friends. It's like we understand that we
• 32:56
  kind of live 2 separate lives and like the decisions we're
• 32:58
  going to make are separate. But that like external output is
• 33:03
  always something where I feel like I can be the most honest
• 33:05
  with you. Like I, I, I'm a pretty blunt
• 33:07
  person in general. It's like when I'm having
• 33:09
  conversations with people, it's, I don't like the sugar coat
• 33:11
  things. And a lot of times I've learned
• 33:13
  that like when I'm having conversations with new people,
• 33:15
  you have to sugar coat in a, in a certain way.
• 33:19
  If there's anybody I kind of feel bad about, it's for me
• 33:21
  because there is like no sugar coating with that at all at any
• 33:24
  point in time. I.
• 33:25
  Have like a a growing screenshot list of like times.
• 33:28
  I ask you for your opinion and you just give me, like I said, I
• 33:34
  sent them to Tremay every time because they're funny.
• 33:36
  Like they're so blunt and so like, you need to have some
• 33:39
  things get if you're going to ask him for an opinion, Like it,
• 33:42
  it's crazy. And you get real creative with
• 33:44
  it too. You're a dummy bitch.
• 33:47
  I've been called a mess, I've been called can't dress, can't
• 33:50
  do all that in so many different ways.
• 33:53
  And I love you for it, because you've never been wrong and.
• 33:56
  And I think that's like the part that I appreciate, appreciate
• 33:59
  about you the most is the fact that like I don't have to sugar
• 34:02
  coat. And so I feel like I, I feel
• 34:05
  like the information I can give to you helps me learn so much
• 34:08
  more about me because of the fact that it's like when I'm
• 34:10
  sugar coating things, like I have to find another way to the
• 34:13
  answer. When I say it to you, I can say
• 34:16
  it directly how I truly mean it. And so now your response back is
• 34:20
  responding to who I am currently and how I'm thinking about the
• 34:25
  world. So it's like other people get to
• 34:26
  hear like a part of what I'm saying, and so they reply to
• 34:31
  that part. But because you get to reply to
• 34:33
  exactly what I'm thinking, it allows me to actually change my
• 34:37
  thinking in a way that is not as easily done with other people.
• 34:42
  There was this thing that you said that really like stuck out
• 34:45
  to me about, you know, you noticing a shift in him, right?
• 34:50
  So like who you perceive him to be versus who he actually, you
• 34:53
  know, was around other people. And that just made me think
• 34:56
  about how, you know, family dynamics can be so insular,
• 34:59
  right? Like, you know, this person that
• 35:01
  I've grown up with my entire life, right?
• 35:03
  And I've seen through ups and downs and all this other stuff
• 35:07
  can be actually very different from, you know, the person that
• 35:10
  I've come to know, right? And so like, I feel like for me,
• 35:14
  that is why I did not want that in the relationships.
• 35:17
  I chose to build a new place I was in because I wanted to be
• 35:21
  who I felt like I wanted to be consistently in all aspects of
• 35:26
  my life. And so like, yeah, that was
• 35:28
  interesting. The biggest thing I do want to
• 35:30
  ask you guys about, and this is like something that like is I'm
• 35:33
  generally curious about and has changed me a lot is like with
• 35:36
  family relationships and with having different friends, at
• 35:40
  least for me. And for me, like the big thing
• 35:42
  was like like I just, I just got to say I got to say it without
• 35:45
  it. Like it's like essentially like
• 35:47
  with being gay, there is a certain aspect that.
• 35:49
  You said the G word gay. Who's?
• 35:52
  Gay girl don't play you. Know like, like actually, I
• 35:56
  think I think there's something that like it that has always
• 36:00
  been AI say when, when if I were to say like the ways that like I
• 36:05
  knew you and didn't know you, that is one of like the biggest
• 36:08
  things that like as you developed and became more
• 36:12
  comfortable with yourself, then you were able to become like
• 36:14
  more outwardly comfortable to me and be able to tell me how you
• 36:18
  feel about certain things and like different interactions that
• 36:20
  you've had. And so like, how do you feel
• 36:23
  like that has shaped your relationships with like family
• 36:27
  and like the people that you've known when you're younger that
• 36:32
  yeah, they're essentially people you've known before you came out
• 36:34
  versus after coming out That's. A really good question.
• 36:36
  It definitely made things a lot clearer for me and I was able to
• 36:40
  move more intentionally and like finding out who I wanted to
• 36:46
  spend time with, who I wanted to open up with and who I really
• 36:50
  had nothing to come with. Like even speaking to like our
• 36:52
  family. I feel like after I, I've been
• 36:56
  thinking this for a while, but like, after I came out, like for
• 36:58
  real, for real was like, all right, This is why I'm seeing
• 37:01
  like, you know, our family having different sides of our
• 37:04
  family, having different views and opinions on a lot of things.
• 37:07
  I was kind of like, Oh, well, that kind of counts me out of,
• 37:10
  of, of that side. So I'm just going to move to the
• 37:13
  people that I know are going to support me.
• 37:15
  And I think it really made me dive more into things like
• 37:18
  chosen family and, and friends and, and people that I knew were
• 37:22
  wanting to be more safe and more accepting of, of all of me.
• 37:29
  Because I think that was definitely a fear of mine being
• 37:32
  like, OK, I can like, operate under the constraints of being
• 37:35
  like the son, the uncle or not the uncle.
• 37:38
  The girl on The girl on. The the nephew and whatever
• 37:45
  family dynamics, but like that's not really the entirety of, of
• 37:47
  who I am, whether it's like me being gay or me just being like
• 37:51
  a creative or like not taking the traditional path for work or
• 37:54
  life. I just need to take stock of who
• 37:58
  can I be like my full self around?
• 38:00
  Who do I want to be my full self around?
• 38:02
  Because I hate like the whole like you can't have access to
• 38:05
  me. But like, sometimes it's kind of
• 38:06
  real, like some people don't need or deserve like the entire
• 38:11
  beat of access to you, your personality and everything that
• 38:15
  comes with you because we're we're all gifts.
• 38:18
  And I think our personalities and energies are a gift and it
• 38:21
  doesn't need to be shared with everybody.
• 38:22
  I learnt that from you actually Quest.
• 38:27
  But yeah, yeah. What about you?
• 38:29
  How, how did you see that developed?
• 38:31
  Because I know you don't have to go through the gay thing, but
• 38:33
  you also gained like consciousness.
• 38:37
  He suddenly became aware. You know, like, I feel like
• 38:39
  those PA and a a where you like kind of just like going with the
• 38:45
  flow for a lot of things that are going on both in family life
• 38:49
  and like in your own life. And then there was like a moment
• 38:51
  that switched for you, like, wait, I actually can control my
• 38:55
  destiny and what I want to do and what do I actually like?
• 39:00
  Yeah, I would say it was like kind of see your point of
• 39:05
  intentionality of I am a very like type B person.
• 39:10
  And so a lot of times like I if someone else is going to plan
• 39:14
  something, I'm fine going along with it.
• 39:16
  Like no real complaints. And then I went to college and
• 39:21
  then I got around like real type B people.
• 39:23
  And that kind of changed a lot of that where it's like we just
• 39:26
  weren't doing anything for a while because of the fact that
• 39:29
  everybody was just cool chilling.
• 39:30
  Like there's parts of that where I really liked.
• 39:32
  But then I realized that a lot of my relationships were like
• 39:35
  that. And so a lot of them were just
• 39:37
  like, we were like, it was great because I'd had people where
• 39:41
  they would legitimately come over and we would do nothing but
• 39:44
  just like chill, watch TV, be on our phones, maybe say something.
• 39:47
  And then I kind of like started to like grow a little bit where
• 39:51
  I wanted to do more things. And so I had like take
• 39:54
  initiative in what I'm going to do.
• 39:56
  And luckily with them being type B people, it's like anything I
• 39:59
  want to do went then because like I as long as I planned it,
• 40:02
  if I drove, they'd be happy to come along with me and keep that
• 40:05
  conversation going. Hang out with people was like,
• 40:07
  you're my older brother. And so the people around you are
• 40:10
  older and to kind of see that like, all right, like. 25 isn't
• 40:15
  ancient. It's like seeing stuff like that
• 40:18
  and like seeing that you guys are like, just like same
• 40:22
  conversations I'm having with my friends, you guys are having.
• 40:24
  And so there isn't that type of like, like, I don't know what to
• 40:27
  say around these people. I don't know how to interact.
• 40:30
  So a lot of those types of situations have just like helped
• 40:33
  me to be more intentional, helped me to like be more
• 40:35
  grounded. I, I want to bring up this topic
• 40:37
  because this is something I actually saw.
• 40:39
  It was a topic on like line culture in how people are
• 40:43
  waiting in lines at like a like a heavy rate when you came to
• 40:46
  New York and you were like, it's like there are lines everywhere.
• 40:48
  Boots. Yeah.
• 40:49
  And it was it was one of those things where at first I was kind
• 40:51
  of like, all right, hate lions. I'm not going to wait in the
• 40:54
  line. I think lions are our new third
• 40:56
  space and like to to get a little more into.
• 40:59
  That oh, OK. I was like, where are we going?
• 41:04
  I think lions are our new third space.
• 41:06
  We're like the stuff they're waiting in line for is like
• 41:09
  honestly mediocre in a lot of the situations.
• 41:11
  Like you can go right down the street and find something that
• 41:13
  is very similar, but people choose to be in there.
• 41:15
  And I think that says a couple things about them with like 1,
• 41:18
  you guys are choosing that you guys all like the same thing.
• 41:21
  And then two, you guys are just getting out there with other
• 41:24
  people that one, you like you're, you're friends with
• 41:28
  them. And then also there's like other
• 41:29
  people that you can now meet and talk to.
• 41:32
  And I think there's going to be like a resurgence in like more
• 41:35
  lines are going to be there. But I think it's, it's like a
• 41:37
  positive thing of just being out there and being able to talk to
• 41:39
  people. It's like talk to the person in
• 41:41
  front of you. And you guys can hate on me, but
• 41:44
  to a certain extent, cutting the line is like is a positive
• 41:48
  social experience because the fact that to cut a line, you
• 41:51
  have to go and like make a conversation with a random
• 41:54
  person and and continue that. And so like, I'm not for like,
• 41:58
  all right, cool, cutting is like bad, but at the same time like
• 42:01
  that skill is something that I want people to develop.
• 42:03
  Like I think it's a pro social behavior because if you think
• 42:06
  about it, you cut the line, you create three conversations for
• 42:09
  like all the different. Groups in line so like oh why?
• 42:11
  The fuck are they cutting in line?
• 42:12
  Like who the fuck are they? Like the fight?
• 42:14
  I just remember, I remember OG club culture.
• 42:19
  And by OG club culture, I mean like 2019 when I first was able
• 42:21
  to sneak into clubs, like waiting outside of decades in
• 42:26
  DC, you know, with all the other 18 year olds and like the random
• 42:31
  30 year olds that we're trying to, you know, touch on the 18
• 42:33
  year olds. That was peak existence.
• 42:37
  Not the touching part, but like. That was your peak.
• 42:41
  You know, but like waiting in line with like 10 of your
• 42:44
  friends and like seeing all the different like pods of friends
• 42:47
  trying to get into the same club and everyone having their own
• 42:49
  drama with like the international kids that thought
• 42:52
  they were like better than everyone else and could like pay
• 42:54
  off. The bouncers just like walk in
• 42:56
  and the bouncer be like, who the fuck are you?
• 42:58
  And everyone just kind of like getting in on that, like talking
• 43:00
  shit about them. They're talking shit about us.
• 43:02
  Like that is what the people yearned for.
• 43:04
  Like that is the community. That is the the interactions,
• 43:08
  the third spaces that people are yearning for because there's so
• 43:11
  much like just social behavior that goes on there.
• 43:15
  I don't know, will you fuck with lines like that?
• 43:18
  No, I'm not a lying person, but I also feel like I do my due
• 43:23
  diligence and going to actually build out relationships more
• 43:26
  formally. And so when there's a lot and I
• 43:30
  guess in this contest when we talk about lines and community,
• 43:34
  I don't wait in them. Oh.
• 43:36
  See, but that's the thing, I was also someone that like, I
• 43:38
  dislike lines. There was like if I saw a line,
• 43:40
  I was not waiting and because of the fact that I could get that
• 43:43
  item somewhere else. But like after like, like with
• 43:46
  the second thought, I think even thinking about like in that same
• 43:49
  club culture, right, the club itself is fun.
• 43:52
  But when you think about the two other times that are most fun is
• 43:55
  when you were getting into the club and when you were leaving
• 43:57
  the club. And it's like in these like
• 43:59
  unstructured periods of time where you can like talk and
• 44:03
  commerce with people, that's when people typically have the
• 44:05
  most fun. And so I think there's something
• 44:07
  to be said about like, which structures do we put in place to
• 44:10
  make more of that happen? And so, like, another way of
• 44:13
  using social media is like, when creators get on here and say,
• 44:17
  like, hey, this is a really cool place to go to.
• 44:20
  Like, it's probably like, don't get me wrong.
• 44:22
  Like I'm sure it's OK, but it's not the best thing ever.
• 44:25
  It's never gaggy. But, but what it does is it
• 44:27
  creates like a demand for that place and one helps out like
• 44:32
  the, the local community of like you're growing a business 2 now
• 44:35
  brings a whole bunch of people together to a location.
• 44:38
  And then three, it allows you to now meet more and more people.
• 44:41
  Like I think, and a lot of people in this room can
• 44:43
  experience this. When you move to a new place,
• 44:45
  it's hard to meet people because people don't, they feel as if
• 44:48
  they don't want to like talk and there aren't places to go and to
• 44:52
  kind of like find those similarities of like, you have
• 44:56
  to really try hard nowadays to build a community.
• 45:00
  And so I think it's just like a very open gate of, hey, you like
• 45:03
  this ice cream place? I like it too.
• 45:05
  What flavor are you getting? Did you hear about that flavor
• 45:07
  from this person? Like why did you like that
• 45:10
  flavor? At what point did like, and then
• 45:11
  you can start getting into like your own baseline.
• 45:14
  At what point did you choose that you're a vanilla person
• 45:16
  over a chocolate person? Bring back small talk.
• 45:19
  I also feel like that takes a level of vulnerability to do.
• 45:23
  And I think that people are not accustomed to being in these
• 45:26
  spaces or wanting to be in these spaces and like be vulnerable
• 45:30
  because like a lot of times, like I go to like the bar or the
• 45:34
  club by myself and I get all these questions like you came by
• 45:38
  yourself, like, why would you do that?
• 45:40
  Let's get into that. Like, why would you do that?
• 45:42
  And I'm just like, why wouldn't you?
• 45:44
  Like there is I people, I feel like people possess this
• 45:48
  duality. It was like, yes, I want these
• 45:50
  relationships, but I don't want to put myself out there to do it
• 45:54
  in ways that will be meaningful, right?
• 45:56
  And like, I really do think that we need to be locked in to the
• 46:00
  fact of are we internal hypocrites, right?
• 46:05
  Yes, The answer is yes, because I can't say that I want these
• 46:08
  relationships and then I'm not doing the work to do it or I'm
• 46:11
  chastising somebody else for being out.
• 46:14
  And like, for example, like we get a little aggravated
• 46:17
  sometimes when this random person who walks up to us and
• 46:19
  starts asking us questions, starts talking to us while we're
• 46:21
  just being in our solo modes. But you never know that that
• 46:24
  person in that moment, that was them being vulnerable.
• 46:28
  That was them stepping out and saying, I'm going to make a
• 46:30
  friend because I feel like I need that.
• 46:32
  So I feel like we have to restructure our brains around
• 46:36
  these social experiences and thinking about what, what could
• 46:41
  this other person have needed in this moment?
• 46:42
  Maybe I need to think outside of myself a little bit more because
• 46:46
  you never know, that person could end up being one of the
• 46:49
  best friends you'll ever have. And I have a very specific
• 46:52
  example of this, right? So I was coming to LA to see the
• 46:56
  Beyoncé Giselle Knows Carter for the Cowboy Carter tour.
• 47:00
  I had posted about it on Twitter and on Instagram and then I get
• 47:04
  this random DM from this boy. I do not know at all.
• 47:09
  I'm like who are you? Why don't you talk to me like
• 47:12
  and you know exactly what I'm talking about.
• 47:14
  But I was like OK, like hi. I was like well I'm going to the
• 47:19
  Cowboy Carter tour too but I'm here in LA by myself yadda
• 47:23
  yadda. And I was just wondering if we
• 47:25
  can like hang out and I could go with you.
• 47:26
  Mind you, I do not know this man whatsoever.
• 47:29
  I do not know how he found me on social media, but he DM me and I
• 47:34
  answer because I was like, OK, well, I'm a little bit curious.
• 47:37
  Like, what is this? And come to find out, you know,
• 47:40
  he was in LA for work. He didn't have a lot of friends
• 47:42
  in the area. He didn't know anybody in the
• 47:45
  area. And like, to this day, I was
• 47:47
  like, you know, we're going to yes, let's hang out.
• 47:49
  And to this day, he is one of my favorite people on this planet.
• 47:52
  And I think a lot about that moment, you know, I think a lot
• 47:58
  about how that took a lot of courage to put yourself out
• 48:03
  there, right? And like, DM this stranger that
• 48:06
  you've never seen or met before, never talked to you and say,
• 48:10
  Hey, I would really like some community in this space that I'm
• 48:13
  in. We both have this love for
• 48:16
  Beyoncé. And that was the, the, the, the
• 48:19
  origin of that, right? Finding that that common space
• 48:22
  that that. That's something I think is
• 48:24
  really interesting where I, I, I talked to my friends and
• 48:26
  they'll, they'll go on like a first date and they'll be
• 48:28
  worried about like, Hey, what do I say on this first date?
• 48:31
  And to that point, it's like, you don't know this person at
• 48:34
  all. You have literally everything to
• 48:36
  talk about. Like everything in the world is
• 48:38
  something you could talk about because you don't have any like
• 48:41
  there's nothing not to talk about.
• 48:43
  And so like to find that like that common ground, that middle
• 48:45
  piece is like any small thing you have in common with somebody
• 48:49
  is a talking point. And like, that's what people
• 48:52
  like. Another way of like actually now
• 48:53
  putting this out into the world and practicing this is like, if
• 48:56
  you are wearing an outfit, this is something that like I like to
• 48:58
  do as like, like really to practice getting out there and
• 49:01
  talking to people is I like 2 rules. 1 is if I like something
• 49:05
  that somebody is wearing, I have to compliment that thing.
• 49:08
  And so in that compliment, it's a simple like, Hey, I really
• 49:12
  like your shoes. And then that could be it.
• 49:14
  Especially like with me, if it, if it happens to be a girl, a
• 49:16
  lot of times they might feel uncomfortable.
• 49:18
  So it's like, I like your shoes. That's it from, from me.
• 49:21
  If they want to continue the conversation, all right, we can
• 49:23
  really get into it. And now it's like we can have a
• 49:25
  full conversation on your shoes. But then that allowed me to 1,
• 49:28
  put positivity out there. And then two, just start
• 49:31
  something getting comfortable. And it's like it.
• 49:33
  I think that like piece about you guys had Beyoncé in common
• 49:36
  is all you need for a relationship.
• 49:38
  You only need one little thing in common to start something.
• 49:43
  The special guest here are lovely Tyler English.
• 49:45
  Hello. Everyone, my question was just
• 49:49
  request. He mentioned that you know a guy
• 49:51
  DM Tim and pretty much has to be friends and the whole thing.
• 49:55
  My question was at what point do you know you don't know this man
• 49:58
  at all? I don't want to necessarily say
• 50:01
  it's a safety issue or anything like that, but like, you know,
• 50:05
  at what point do you within yourself decide like whether or
• 50:10
  not the opportunity is worth investing in pretty much.
• 50:15
  I feel like it was just a feeling that I have.
• 50:19
  I feel like I'm very intuitive just in general.
• 50:21
  And so with the vibes were off, I was going to be like, no, but
• 50:25
  like I think about in terms of the risk of it all, Like I'm
• 50:29
  meeting this man in the very public forum, right?
• 50:31
  And like he did, he obviously put in a lot of effort in a lot
• 50:36
  of like energy into reaching out to me to say, hey, I would like
• 50:40
  to like meet up at the concert, talk to you, yadda, yadda.
• 50:45
  Because you seem cool. And I'm like, okay, like I don't
• 50:49
  feel like, and plus I'm with my other friend too.
• 50:51
  So I'm just like, okay, like I don't feel like I'm giving away
• 50:54
  too much in this moment to where like I couldn't I couldn't
• 50:59
  recover from now, if if I was like, oh, this man could
• 51:01
  possibly, you know, be finessor or he might kill me or
• 51:05
  something, then I'll be like, OK, well, I'm probably not
• 51:08
  inclined to see you or like continue to relationship
• 51:12
  further. But you know, we, we met there,
• 51:15
  we had a great time. Of course it's Beyoncé.
• 51:18
  I'm a good time Beyoncé. But like, I, I, I feel like I
• 51:24
  felt he was just so genuine and the energy that he was exuding
• 51:30
  was just such like it felt comfortable.
• 51:33
  It felt like homie in a, in a way.
• 51:35
  And if you're watching this, I love you.
• 51:39
  But no, like, I don't know. It's always just goes back to
• 51:43
  the feeling that I have with people.
• 51:44
  I think from like, like also thinking about it, if you're, if
• 51:48
  you did feel uncomfortable with it, I think it's like finding
• 51:51
  other ways to engage with that person.
• 51:53
  All right, you know, they said they want to go to the Beyoncé
• 51:55
  concert. Maybe you don't spend the entire
• 51:57
  time, but before the concert starts, you invite some of your
• 52:00
  friends and you guys go to a bar or someplace beforehand just
• 52:04
  like talk and converse so that they know like, Hey, I was
• 52:07
  thinking about you. Like I do want to build
• 52:09
  something, but I do have to put my own safety and like
• 52:12
  well-being first in that regard. And so it's like finding other
• 52:16
  ways of like, all right, maybe not the Beyoncé concert, but me
• 52:19
  and my friends are having dinner tomorrow.
• 52:21
  And so do you want to come to that?
• 52:22
  Like I think it's more so about like if you as the individual,
• 52:26
  how would you feel if you were to kind of put them, if you put
• 52:29
  yourself into those shoes where it's like, I understand that in
• 52:34
  this situation, you wanted somebody, you wanted to hang out
• 52:37
  with somebody. But there's other opportunities
• 52:41
  to build a relationship and to like really just hone in on on
• 52:45
  those other opportunities if you do feel unsafe or you're unsure
• 52:49
  of the situation. I'm going to add that like, even
• 52:52
  though like the method of like reaching out to a complete
• 52:55
  structure, saying you want to hang out at a concert is was
• 52:57
  unfamiliar to me, which I think naturally would like take
• 53:01
  anybody back, like who are you? What's going on?
• 53:04
  But I also thought just because it's unfamiliar to me doesn't
• 53:07
  make it necessarily wrong or like a bad thing.
• 53:11
  And like, again, putting myself in his shoes, if I feel like I
• 53:14
  really wanted that kind of community and I reached out to
• 53:18
  somebody, I would hopefully want that want the same response that
• 53:22
  I gave him. Like I would hope that that
• 53:24
  would be received a little bit well.
• 53:26
  And so like, even though I have my own reservations about
• 53:30
  meeting strangers, but technically everybody's a
• 53:32
  stranger to you get to know them so for.
• 53:34
  Sure, that's all. I.
• 53:35
  Wanted to know. I like that.
• 53:36
  Like stuff like that is what I like a lot actually, because
• 53:38
  it's like it's one of those things where internally anybody
• 53:41
  could talk to me at any point in time because the fact that I
• 53:44
  feel comfortable. How do I say this?
• 53:46
  If you feel anxious about going up and talking to people, I
• 53:49
  believe like one part of it. It's just that like if someone
• 53:52
  were to come up and talk to you, you might treat them not
• 53:55
  disrespectfully, but you'd be more on guard.
• 53:58
  Because I know myself where it's like any like anybody who's like
• 54:01
  fully free to come and talk to me, I feel free to go and talk
• 54:05
  to other people because that's what I believe their mindset
• 54:07
  would be too. And so it's like, because I
• 54:09
  believe it's so much within myself, to me, it only makes
• 54:11
  sense that other people would be just as optimistic as, as me.
• 54:15
  It's like things like that. We need to embrace more non
• 54:19
  traditional ways to get to know each other and also embrace
• 54:24
  people just like, of course, use your discernment, but start to
• 54:28
  embrace like those things cuz I feel like in those moments where
• 54:31
  you least expect it, like in that moment, like there's so
• 54:34
  much beauty that can come from those, from those actions,
• 54:37
  right? And we need to be more accepting
• 54:42
  of building those relationships. We have to be more open.
• 54:44
  We had to be more vulnerable. And I feel like that's the
• 54:47
  premise of a lot of these conversations.
• 54:49
  So let's. Dial back into the conversation
• 54:51
  around friendships and knowing when to actually leave, because
• 54:55
  I think that's a a big conversation that people have.
• 54:58
  It's all over social media about like I'll leave them if it's not
• 55:01
  serving you, whatever. Like you touched on a little bit
• 55:04
  quest about knowing when to step away.
• 55:08
  What is that? Could you mean by that?
• 55:10
  It all comes. I feel like the basis of it all
• 55:13
  is self-awareness. Only you are aware of your
• 55:16
  capacity for things because if people request more of you,
• 55:20
  they're not incentivized to like have that, have yourself
• 55:24
  preservation in mind when it comes to their needs.
• 55:26
  Right. And I so I think in that moment,
• 55:29
  you have to be honest with yourself.
• 55:31
  Am I still willing to show up in these ways even though they
• 55:35
  don't? We don't provide each other the
• 55:37
  same things. And it's not necessarily a tit
• 55:39
  for tat transactional thing, but do these people make me feel the
• 55:44
  same way that I feel about them? And if the answer is no, then
• 55:48
  you have to work to because it's going to take where you have to
• 55:52
  work to sever those ties. And again, like, I do agree that
• 55:59
  like with him in the sense of like things can be worked out,
• 56:02
  but when it's like more detrimental to you than not,
• 56:07
  then I believe that that's your time to walk away.
• 56:09
  I oh, you want to go? First, Yeah, I just think that.
• 56:13
  So one, is it like sort of a question on what does it mean to
• 56:18
  like sever ties that just mean like entirely stop communicating
• 56:21
  with the person? This is a, this is a, are you,
• 56:25
  this is a me question, a personal question or just in
• 56:27
  general. For me, I gotta go.
• 56:31
  I gotta go with cold Turkey. At first.
• 56:33
  I feel like I can like reintroduce this person in my
• 56:36
  life into my life in a different capacity because I can't, I
• 56:41
  don't feel like it can be the same given, given the source of
• 56:44
  the conflict or like the the origin of why I feel this way.
• 56:48
  Why I feel like I need to sever ties with you.
• 56:51
  But I I have to go cold Turkey at first because I need to be
• 56:55
  able to evaluate exactly in those moments what made me feel
• 56:59
  that way. Why it made me feel that way in
• 57:01
  constant communication with you, but not even constant, but like
• 57:05
  sometimes communicating with you, I feel like can distract me
• 57:08
  from that goal. And so because of that, I'm just
• 57:10
  like, I have to give all of this up.
• 57:12
  I think friendship and just relationships in general, maybe
• 57:15
  not relationship at all, like friendships have like
• 57:17
  seasonalities to them. And I think people don't really
• 57:20
  accept that and think like, oh, if we're locked in, we're always
• 57:23
  going to be locked in. And that's that can be the case
• 57:26
  for a lot of people, but also it's not for a lot of people.
• 57:29
  Also want to add, like people change, you change, everybody
• 57:34
  changes. So that person that you
• 57:36
  originally felt that connection with, that you built this
• 57:39
  relationship with, like can fundamentally not be the same
• 57:43
  person like X amount of time down the line.
• 57:46
  And that relationship because you're both changing
• 57:48
  simultaneously. You may learn to grow together,
• 57:51
  or you can grow apart. Exactly.
• 57:54
  And you can grow together again after that.
• 57:57
  Like there are times where your lives are going to diverge from
• 57:59
  each other and you are going to be doing different things.
• 58:02
  And maybe it's like someone needs to catch up to where the
• 58:04
  other friend is or y'all both need to just like meet at some
• 58:08
  point in the future. But like I don't believe in
• 58:11
  closing doors for friendship specifically because I think
• 58:15
  there's always, if you, if you've had a, a strong
• 58:18
  connection with someone at some point, I think that foundation's
• 58:22
  always going to be there. The parts where you actually
• 58:24
  connect and and are able to be in each other's lives in that
• 58:27
  capacity, I think that's that's up to just like how you're
• 58:29
  growing. I do believe in closing doors.
• 58:31
  I do believe in locking them too.
• 58:34
  I think I think closing doors detriments you more than it
• 58:37
  detriments anybody else. And I I say that because of the
• 58:40
  fact that closing a door disables you from having a new
• 58:44
  learning experience of learning how to deal with that type of
• 58:47
  person. But what if what you learned is
• 58:49
  that you need to close the door? And I feel like that now limits
• 58:53
  your opportunities in, in other things and like not to be like
• 58:56
  directly transactional, but it's like if somebody has, if
• 59:00
  somebody makes you feel happy in like this one particular way or
• 59:05
  they allow you to come to this one particular event or there's
• 59:08
  something that they can do for you.
• 59:10
  I'm not saying like use them for that.
• 59:12
  I'm saying learning how to interact with them in a way that
• 59:15
  is like comfortable for the two of you is a skill to be learned.
• 59:19
  And that's something that like, it's when you start saying stuff
• 59:22
  like that, I believe you are slowly letting it creep into
• 59:25
  your mind that relationships aren't valuable.
• 59:28
  And of course that isn't like to the full extent of what you're
• 59:30
  saying, but language around there.
• 59:34
  And then like there's there's stuff they see about like like
• 59:36
  memes, the whole thing of like when your friend tells you like,
• 59:39
  oh, who's coming to this? Who's coming to the party?
• 59:41
  Or like your friend invites you to a party and then you say
• 59:43
  who's going? That act of saying who's going
• 59:45
  is anti community. That's that like that right
• 59:48
  there is already saying I, I don't care about you as a
• 59:52
  friend. And because of the fact that
• 59:54
  you're not showing up for the people that are going, you're
• 59:56
  showing up because somebody took the time to invite you.
• 59:58
  And it's like back to the like the original thing is like when
• 1:00:02
  you cut people out of your life entirely, like you are just
• 1:00:07
  hindering a experience to be had.
• 1:00:11
  And, and I believe personally, life is about experiencing.
• 1:00:15
  And so even if it is a negative experience, that experience is
• 1:00:18
  something that helps you. Grow and there's parts of it
• 1:00:21
  where I understand you could say like like me cutting them out is
• 1:00:26
  learning and that's like I don't need this type of person in my
• 1:00:28
  life. When you talk to somebody, all
• 1:00:30
  you're doing is having a reflection of who you are, like
• 1:00:33
  basically like spit back at you. And so that like even if they're
• 1:00:38
  a horrible person, cutting them out of your life, I feel does
• 1:00:41
  less good than bad I. Don't know, I'll say this.
• 1:00:47
  I think there's levels to this. I really do think that there's
• 1:00:49
  there's always nuance associated with these kinds of things
• 1:00:53
  Lotto, but I think there's always nuance associated with
• 1:00:56
  these kinds of things because I believe that generally a lot of
• 1:00:59
  things can be worked out and navigated through intentional
• 1:01:03
  conversations, right? Conflict is not bad.
• 1:01:07
  Conflict is actually very healthy as long as you have the
• 1:01:10
  intentionality and the skill to actually navigate it.
• 1:01:13
  You just have to be willing to be.
• 1:01:14
  But how do you learn that intentionality and skill if you
• 1:01:16
  don't practice? And and so I'm not saying like,
• 1:01:20
  oh, you did this to me, you're done.
• 1:01:22
  Like you are over. We are over.
• 1:01:24
  I would say like you can reasonably come to a conclusion
• 1:01:27
  that this person does not need to be in your life after having
• 1:01:30
  evaluated everything, after having had those conversations.
• 1:01:34
  And you're just like, we're just not aligned whatsoever.
• 1:01:36
  This relationship is not making me feel good.
• 1:01:38
  It's not serving me so reasonably.
• 1:01:40
  I have come to the conclusion that we don't need to be
• 1:01:44
  associated with. So what happens when you now
• 1:01:50
  have a boss that has the same characteristics and character
• 1:01:53
  types as the person that you cut out your life?
• 1:01:54
  I also think that that's a different level of kind of
• 1:01:57
  thing. Like I don't, even though I work
• 1:01:59
  there and I choose to work, that's a different environment
• 1:02:02
  that I'm meeting this person is, yeah.
• 1:02:04
  Like I hate work. I love money.
• 1:02:06
  So like I'm going to be at my job even though my boss sucks,
• 1:02:10
  what I do with my personal time. Choosing to have this
• 1:02:12
  relationship with you that is more of an active choice that
• 1:02:15
  doesn't have necessarily like AI don't want to say it doesn't
• 1:02:19
  have an impact on you, but like it's the difference between
• 1:02:21
  going to going to work to earn a paycheck to live.
• 1:02:25
  So you have to deal with that versus choosing to be in the in
• 1:02:29
  a relationship with somebody that just does not align with
• 1:02:33
  you. I believe that choice in to to
• 1:02:35
  maintain that relationship is the same choice you make when
• 1:02:38
  you decide to go to college. It's like, I don't like to
• 1:02:42
  study. I don't like to like have to
• 1:02:45
  spend 4 to 5 hours a day reading books everyday.
• 1:02:49
  But I understand that at the end of that I gained something that
• 1:02:52
  is now valuable. And so having that relationship
• 1:02:55
  with somebody and an example you use is like, OK, I think where I
• 1:02:59
  see a lot of people go is like politically and not to get like
• 1:03:02
  too deep, but if someone has like different political beliefs
• 1:03:05
  in you, a lot of people cut those people out entirely.
• 1:03:08
  But I like to think about it as if, like, if I cut that person
• 1:03:11
  out entirely, I just cut maybe their only connection to what I
• 1:03:15
  believe to be true. And so when you have like
• 1:03:18
  relationships and you cut people out, all you're doing is
• 1:03:21
  hindering like their ability to ever understand somebody like
• 1:03:25
  you. And so now they're going to go
• 1:03:26
  to the next person and interact with a person that's very
• 1:03:29
  similar to you and not know how to do.
• 1:03:31
  It I also don't feel like you should feel like you have to be
• 1:03:33
  obligated to be that person. That's the exact obligation that
• 1:03:36
  community requires. I do think that you also have to
• 1:03:40
  be aware of again, it goes back to personal like personal
• 1:03:45
  awareness, self-awareness, excuse me, and like personal
• 1:03:47
  capacity. Because if I know that I have
• 1:03:49
  reached my personal capacity, continuously extending myself
• 1:03:54
  past that is not, it's not helping me.
• 1:03:57
  And like again, like these people are not incentivized to
• 1:04:01
  have yourself preservation in mind when it comes to access to
• 1:04:04
  you. And so like in that sense, I
• 1:04:07
  can't say that I agree with that.
• 1:04:09
  I will cut somebody. Off that's why I agree with what
• 1:04:12
  Rami said about seasonality. So like when you look at
• 1:04:15
  anything, let's say fitness for example, the whole thing, what
• 1:04:17
  you're doing in fitness is you are tearing your muscles down
• 1:04:20
  and then resting. And then what it does is it
• 1:04:22
  builds your muscles back up. Yeah, that's why I believe these
• 1:04:25
  friendships and go, I'm not saying you have to go and talk
• 1:04:27
  to them every single day, but it's like if we are talking and
• 1:04:32
  then something happens where I feel like you should cut that
• 1:04:35
  person off. It's like take a break from that
• 1:04:38
  person. But like, there's never a point
• 1:04:41
  in my time where I think that a person should be removed from my
• 1:04:45
  life. And it's like, all right, I
• 1:04:46
  might have to go a month without seeing you and without
• 1:04:48
  communicating the same way we used to.
• 1:04:50
  But at the end of the month, I'm going to be now rejuvenated and
• 1:04:53
  I can go back to it. And that just like that
• 1:04:55
  increased my ability to then go and do that.
• 1:04:57
  So now I can do that for a longer period of time.
• 1:05:00
  And I think the reason why community has been like failing
• 1:05:04
  in the way that it has is because people don't really want
• 1:05:07
  to have conversations like real difficult conversations.
• 1:05:10
  When we talk about difficult conversations, of course it's
• 1:05:12
  difficult to be like open up and say who you are because you're
• 1:05:16
  scared. And that's like the
• 1:05:17
  vulnerability piece. But now what about a
• 1:05:19
  conversation where you and somebody just genuinely
• 1:05:21
  disagree? There's you feel as if there is
• 1:05:24
  nothing you guys have in common. How do you guys break that
• 1:05:27
  ground? Because at the end of the day,
• 1:05:29
  like a community isn't full of people that you wanted to be all
• 1:05:33
  the time. Like a lot of times in
• 1:05:34
  communities, there's a lot of people that you like and there's
• 1:05:36
  someone that you don't like, but if you don't have a somewhat
• 1:05:40
  cordial relationship with that person, that can ruin the entire
• 1:05:43
  thing. I, I just again, that is going
• 1:05:45
  back to like what I say that there's levels to this because I
• 1:05:48
  think the, the, the gravity of the relationship plays a lot
• 1:05:52
  into like my ability to be open to restoration, right?
• 1:05:59
  Because like a lot of people have very surface level and
• 1:06:02
  circumstantial friendship. So I'm not necessarily inclined
• 1:06:05
  to preserve those if I if, if, if, if it wasn't that deep.
• 1:06:09
  Whereas like somebody like Rumi, for example, like, like I know.
• 1:06:15
  And so no matter how, how we disagree, like that is somebody
• 1:06:19
  who has a significant stake in, you know, my development as a
• 1:06:23
  person. So I'll be a lot more inclined
• 1:06:25
  to, you know, restore for that relationship or like revisited
• 1:06:29
  then somebody who I see. Oh OK.
• 1:06:32
  Like I only go out with you when we go out to the club and that's
• 1:06:35
  the only time I see you like the.
• 1:06:37
  Thing about community that people kind of misinterpret is
• 1:06:40
  that like community doesn't always mean like everyone in
• 1:06:43
  that community is going to be like your bestest friend.
• 1:06:45
  Like not everyone is going to have the same level of access,
• 1:06:49
  the same level of connection. And that's OK.
• 1:06:51
  And that's kind of the point of community because if you think
• 1:06:53
  of like general communities, like communities TM, like a town
• 1:06:56
  or whatever, people aren't besties with everybody.
• 1:07:00
  Like not everyone has like the most deepest, most intentional
• 1:07:03
  connection with everybody. There's just like everyone just
• 1:07:06
  knows everybody. Like everyone is cordial.
• 1:07:09
  Everyone works together as a community to have like a shared
• 1:07:12
  purpose. So when it comes to building
• 1:07:14
  community and having those friendships and relationships,
• 1:07:17
  you don't necessarily need to agree with everybody.
• 1:07:19
  And again, I want to say this now because and how the Internet
• 1:07:22
  works, this is not talking about extenuating circumstances or
• 1:07:25
  like the extremes, because there are certain circumstances where
• 1:07:28
  people do not need to be a part of the community and it's OK to
• 1:07:31
  banish them to the shadow realm. But in most circumstances, in
• 1:07:36
  general circumstances, it's OK to not agree with people and
• 1:07:39
  have people honestly that you don't necessarily like all the
• 1:07:42
  time, but you keep around because it maintains the social
• 1:07:46
  fabric. And it is, is again, things like
• 1:07:49
  pro social and yeah, like, I don't feel like everyone needs
• 1:07:52
  to be the closest. And it's honestly better if
• 1:07:55
  people aren't the closest and there are.
• 1:07:56
  There is a difference of opinion because that's how everyone's
• 1:07:59
  able to grow and develop and actually learn from each other.
• 1:08:01
  Because it's not. We don't want a community of
• 1:08:03
  bitches telling each other. Exactly.
• 1:08:06
  Exactly, there is this concept that I want to ask y'all about
• 1:08:10
  because I feel like we we kind of glorify these people.
• 1:08:14
  You know, you meet those people are like I can cut anybody off
• 1:08:17
  just like that, like the most minor incompetent, like I'm
• 1:08:20
  scared. Care to those people like And so
• 1:08:22
  like, what do you, what do you think when you hear about stuff
• 1:08:25
  like that? I mean, to be honest, like I
• 1:08:27
  used to be one of those people where it was like it like
• 1:08:30
  getting into like a little bit more about our back stories.
• 1:08:32
  Like we moved a lot. And so with part of moving, it
• 1:08:35
  was every three years pretty much on the dot, I would have to
• 1:08:39
  go and like meet an entirely new friend group.
• 1:08:41
  And so it was a hard time to like you spent three years with
• 1:08:45
  somebody, you really feel like you enjoy spending time and then
• 1:08:48
  all of a sudden boom, you have to pick up and move.
• 1:08:51
  And so I had that mentality like I can pretty much cut anybody
• 1:08:53
  off. And that's why I think I feel so
• 1:08:56
  strongly like the inversion now because of the fact that like
• 1:09:00
  that's not good at all. Like it's not like a positive
• 1:09:04
  trait to have. And I think again, all cutting
• 1:09:07
  people off does is like limit your opportunities to learn and
• 1:09:10
  like getting back a tiny bit. I think that when you are
• 1:09:15
  navigating with someone that you don't have the best relationship
• 1:09:17
  with already or they're not like a super long term friend that
• 1:09:21
  allows you to like learn how to say certain things.
• 1:09:23
  So in the now, when you have a conversation with somebody that
• 1:09:26
  truly matters to you, you understand how to go about that
• 1:09:28
  conversation and don't cut deep when you don't need to.
• 1:09:32
  And that's kind of my whole thing with like community.
• 1:09:35
  We're like, a lot of it is like practice, like it's like those
• 1:09:38
  people that you like don't really know are the best people
• 1:09:40
  to practice how to be a community member with.
• 1:09:43
  Because at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what
• 1:09:46
  they think about you and everything like that.
• 1:09:49
  Whereas the second you now apply it to somebody that truly
• 1:09:51
  matters, a friend, a family member, all of that.
• 1:09:54
  Now everything you say is being looked at kind of through a
• 1:09:58
  microscope. And because they understand,
• 1:10:01
  like, the little ways that you can like, jab at them that other
• 1:10:05
  people wouldn't. This is so interesting because I
• 1:10:07
  feel like I'm the inverse of that because I spent 23 years of
• 1:10:11
  my life in the same communities. And when I moved to DC, it was
• 1:10:15
  kind of like my opportunity to start new.
• 1:10:17
  And I in those 23 years, I had spent a lot.
• 1:10:20
  And like I said, I used to be a fixer.
• 1:10:22
  I spent a lot of time trying to maintain relationships, working
• 1:10:26
  on it because, I mean, I would see the same people all the
• 1:10:28
  time. And I was just like, I'm gonna
• 1:10:30
  work through it. I'm gonna work work through it.
• 1:10:31
  But I had to realize that there's just certain things that
• 1:10:34
  you just have to let go of. And I wasn't forced to let go of
• 1:10:38
  those relationships because of my geographic location.
• 1:10:40
  I was moving all the other stuff.
• 1:10:42
  So I had a lot of time to sit and reflect and think.
• 1:10:45
  And at the end of the day that they got to end.
• 1:10:48
  But also I had to realize that I have to, there's certain points
• 1:10:54
  to where you can be so selfless that it starts to very like it
• 1:10:58
  starts to take a toll on you and I just couldn't continue being
• 1:11:02
  that. And I think it kind of speaks to
• 1:11:05
  the fact that we I'm send my back on nary that we had those
• 1:11:10
  extremes like moving around a lot and having to cut everybody
• 1:11:13
  off and staying somewhere and not cutting anybody off.
• 1:11:17
  You know the answer. Hate to be a middle ass bitch,
• 1:11:19
  but like it is somewhere in the middle of having that
• 1:11:21
  discernment and there is no one-size-fits-all answer.
• 1:11:25
  And I think a lot of times these podcasts we try and like promote
• 1:11:28
  that for like the sound bites or whatever.
• 1:11:30
  But like really it is like case by case.
• 1:11:31
  And there is no like tried and true answer for how you're going
• 1:11:35
  to approach these things. It kind of of course there are
• 1:11:38
  ways in which that are better than others, but you know,
• 1:11:43
  there's there's no one true. Way.
• 1:11:44
  I don't know, I think there is a one true way.
• 1:11:46
  It just, it just sounds a little bit.
• 1:11:48
  It sounds weird to say out loud, but it's like it is your job to
• 1:11:51
  do your best for other people all the time.
• 1:11:55
  So it's like if somebody's being loud, if somebody's being loud
• 1:11:58
  in the area, it is your job to accept the fact that they might
• 1:12:02
  be hanging out with their friends and they might be
• 1:12:03
  enjoying life. On the inverse, if you are that
• 1:12:06
  loud person, it should be your job to say like, like, hey, I'm
• 1:12:11
  going to value everybody else because this is a quiet area.
• 1:12:13
  I'm not going to be too loud. But both of those things have to
• 1:12:16
  exist at the same exact time. And sometimes they're not going
• 1:12:20
  to exist. And so if someone's being super
• 1:12:21
  loud laughing with their friends, you have to acknowledge
• 1:12:24
  like they're having a pretty good time with their friends
• 1:12:26
  right now and like feel that and embrace that and be happy for
• 1:12:29
  them for having that time. Because on the inverse, now when
• 1:12:32
  you're being loud with your friends, you expect people to
• 1:12:34
  have a certain level of grace for you because of the fact that
• 1:12:37
  it's like, you know, I'm being loud, I'm enjoying life.
• 1:12:39
  And like the fact that I'm enjoying life, other people
• 1:12:42
  should be happy for me. And like, that is the singular
• 1:12:45
  answer. And it's an answer that doesn't
• 1:12:47
  necessarily both things have to be happening, and they're never
• 1:12:52
  going to be happening at once. But I believe that to be the.
• 1:12:54
  Answer I think that's the way the system is set up.
• 1:12:57
  And unfortunately, you know, we don't.
• 1:12:59
  We don't. And this is me getting into my
• 1:13:01
  teacher bag. We don't.
• 1:13:03
  We don't talk a lot about that when it comes to like social
• 1:13:07
  emotional learning and build a community and stuff like that.
• 1:13:09
  We don't teach kids a lot of that.
• 1:13:11
  We like, yeah, be a good neighbor.
• 1:13:12
  But what does that look like in practice?
• 1:13:13
  Like what does that look like internally and externally?
• 1:13:17
  Because not only am I again, like thinking about how my
• 1:13:21
  actions are impacting other people, but like how how what
• 1:13:25
  I'm seeing, how what I'm experiencing is impacting me.
• 1:13:27
  What are the similarities? What are the differences between
• 1:13:30
  those? And like, where can I find some
• 1:13:32
  synthesis? And so like you, that was a good
• 1:13:35
  point, period. You've had a great time
• 1:13:37
  chatting. I feel like we've got into a lot
• 1:13:39
  around community, around relationships, around
• 1:13:41
  friendships and just like how to be a person in the world to
• 1:13:46
  leave off. Like what's 1 actionable piece
• 1:13:48
  of advice that you have for, I don't know, some 20 something
• 1:13:52
  living in Idaho that may not live in like a big city where
• 1:13:55
  you can just like, go and find people on the street.
• 1:13:58
  I heard something that said to be interesting, you have to be
• 1:14:00
  interested. And like, I think that's the
• 1:14:03
  biggest thing of like, whatever calls to you, like really
• 1:14:06
  embrace it. And other people that happen to
• 1:14:08
  be interested in that same thing at some point will find you.
• 1:14:11
  Yeah, that's what I think social media is, has done the best job
• 1:14:14
  of, of letting people have these connections and find these
• 1:14:17
  people outside. So it's just if you're
• 1:14:21
  interested in something, be interested in it and other
• 1:14:23
  people will find you. I would say leave places better
• 1:14:27
  for you having been there. Don't let your existence just be
• 1:14:30
  there in a vacuum, right? I think you have the ability to
• 1:14:32
  impact your environment a lot more than you think.
• 1:14:36
  So really like hone in on that. I'd say to How about Audacity?
• 1:14:41
  I think a lot of times we want to like shrink ourselves and not
• 1:14:47
  take up space or be afraid to like be seen trying, like being
• 1:14:51
  seen, like reaching out to people, being seen in spaces
• 1:14:53
  alone. And to have the audacity be
• 1:14:55
  like, yeah, I actually do deserve connection.
• 1:14:57
  I do deserve to have people in my life that I care about and I
• 1:15:00
  care about me. And I'm gonna show up in spaces
• 1:15:03
  that I'm going to show up in spaces in a way that like shows
• 1:15:06
  that like I'm not going to, I'm going to go to like dinner
• 1:15:10
  alone. I'm going to go to the bar
• 1:15:11
  alone. And I'm going to try to meet at
• 1:15:14
  least one person or say hi to one person and kind of take that
• 1:15:18
  for what it is. Whether that's like me getting a
• 1:15:20
  weird look from like reaching out to them or it's me finding
• 1:15:22
  my new best friend. I'm going to have the audacity
• 1:15:24
  of of showing up and exerting myself and letting myself be
• 1:15:28
  seen. So yeah, thank you all so, so
• 1:15:30
  much for being here and chatting.
• 1:15:33
  I think this is such a great conversation.
• 1:15:35
  Where can people find you? You can follow me on Instagram
• 1:15:38
  at Quest Side Story. Like West Side Story but with my
• 1:15:40
  name Quest Side Story. And you can find me at Nuri dot
• 1:15:44
  Robinson and URII also have a blog, Nuri robinson.com.
• 1:15:48
  Thank you all so, so much for listening.
• 1:15:49
  This has been a amazing episode and let me know down in the
• 1:15:53
  comments what you think, what you thought.
• 1:15:55
  Should we have more of these sorts of conversations or do you
• 1:15:58
  never want to hear from us again?
• 1:16:00
  Let me know in the comments. Make sure to rate this podcast
• 1:16:04
  on Spotify, Apple Music or Spotify Apple Podcast or
• 1:16:07
  wherever you get your podcasting from.
• 1:16:09
  And be sure to leave us five stars because that'd be really
• 1:16:12
  nice and share with a friend. Other than that, I'll be back
• 1:16:14
  next week to talk about the political and economical state
• 1:16:18
  of the world. So you know what we do here.
• 1:16:19
  And thank you again so much, Spotify, for opening up your
• 1:16:23
  space to us. This has been the emergency room
• 1:16:25
  podcast. I have been emergency roomie and
• 1:16:27
  I will see you on the next one. Bye.