Latest / Harder Than Life / 20: Why is Self-Love so Hard? w/ Nicole Frazier

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20: Why is Self-Love so Hard? w/ Nicole Frazier · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'm Kelly Siegel and this is harder than life a podcast about self-love self-awareness business and health We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple practical advice. You can start using today. Let's get living
• 0:15
  Awesome. I have never been this excited to have a guest on the Heart of the Life podcast. She is a faith-based mindset coach at Level Up Life & Company. You can already tell by her title she's a badass. I suggest everyone bounce over to her socials and add her immediately because she is changing the world one person at a time. Her positivity is radiant. She is beautiful on the inside as well as out.
• 0:41
  Every time I hear her voice, my soul lights up. It's an honor to introduce to the Harder Than Life listeners, Nicole Frazier. Oh my gosh, Kelly, you give the best introductions. I am so not worthy, but I am so appreciative of you and your amazing friendships.
• 0:59
  I told you when we first met, my daughter heard your voice and said, I like her. So immediately you get street cred from a then 13-year-old, but now 14-year-old girl. So we only have an hour today because we're here recording. If the recording doesn't sound as great, we had to pivot like harder than life. We have a snowstorm here in Michigan, so we couldn't get to the studio. So we're...
• 1:24
  We're doing everything from home. My producer, Grant, is busting his butt. So we really appreciate the Heart of Life team working harder than life to make this happen. But this is long overdue. I want to jump right in. Nicole, what's your story and why does your story matter?
• 1:41
  Oh, Kelly, how much time do we have? I always joke and I say, I'm on my like seventh of nine lives. Just turned 45 this year. No. Yes. Wow, you are stunning. I am, I say it's no kids and a lot of sleep. No. And sunscreen. See the wrinkles right here? The wrinkles? This is a 14 year old daughter I have.
• 2:12
  I love it. And sunscreen. I'm a huge believer. Um, but no, I, I had like, uh, one of those childhoods that a lot of people experienced where like, I was like severely bullied in grade school. Once I got to those like puberty years and stuff and, um, didn't know how much that affected me going on in life. You know, how hard it is while you're going through it. Um, but I'm strong and, you know, faith filled. So I like persevered through.
• 2:41
  But it ended up affecting like relationships I was in, in my 20s. Um, and then it, it, it's a weird kind of balance Kelly, where.
• 2:52
  You know, you could be strong and bold and confident in business, in your career. You know what I mean? Cause you're like, I have the skills, I know how to do this and that, but personally you still struggle. Right. So I excelled, you know, in, in the corporate career made my way up to that, like C-suite level executive, but.
• 3:13
  In 2019, I stepped away from that due to burnout. And I wanted to start this entrepreneurial journey that had been like tugging on my heart. And it wasn't until I had to step out as my own brand that all of those insecurities and limiting beliefs from my past came like front and center crashing down in my world because now I had to show up.
• 3:38
  to the world as me, not under like the guise of somebody else's company where like, I know how to perform. This was like, are people gonna resonate with me? Can I trust my voice? Things like that. So it almost imploded my business that first year. And I realized like, oh, my biggest fear is regret.
• 4:05
  and knowing that I am the thing that is holding myself back. So even though I had always been like a personal development junkie, there's only so many books that you can read, right? You have to go that extra step and do the work. So I connected with a mindset coach and did a lot of subconscious work and realized like where all that came from. And then I
• 4:31
  everything changed in my business. Everything. The success started to come. And actually, after people confirm it in your life, like, why aren't you doing this? You're like now helping me through this. You should be doing this. So it's why I ended up becoming certified as a mindset coach myself. And that's why I'm here with you today. What are we, two minutes, three minutes into this thing? I'm already going to deviate. So you have...
• 4:58
  regret and you are what I just said, you're beautiful. How are you bullied in growing up? Like what would they bully you? Would they pick on you because you're beautiful? And now so like I was like the ugly duckling, like, you know, I had a yes, I had a very, very awkward stage. I didn't realize that I was
• 5:26
  like allergic to dairy. So I any I was like drinking milk by the gallons, I had horrible skin, I had braces, the glasses came. I ended up getting like beat up. And then my nose was broken, which I had to have fixed later on in life, like when I was 19. So it was it was a journey. It was a struggle. So a lot of times people see like,
• 5:49
  you know, how you are today and think you always looked that way or something. But, you know, you grow into yourself. You learn to find like what works. I'm always like, if I knew how to do makeup now, like I did back then, or just half the stuff, you know, as a girl, and I know you understand with a teenage daughter, early teenage daughter, it's a, it can be so tough for girls at that age. Oh, this is so good. And it's not even girls. It's, I felt the same thing. It wasn't till
• 6:16
  you know, well into my twenties that I started figuring out in being what I would turn comfortable in my own skin. But again, um, when I was always handsome and nobody, nobody is my key. Um, you got beat. So this is what I said. Don't go to New Jersey, New Jersey. You get beat up. That's where you're from. Right. Yup. They jumped me. They tried to steal my leather jacket. They didn't get my jacket though.
• 6:47
  The trust and regret, trusting yourself and regret are two of the biggest, I bet you 85% of the people listening to this, especially women, are probably like, girl, I hear you. Yeah. When did you start trusting yourself and what did you not trust yourself about? So in my 20s, I did not trust myself about choosing,
• 7:18
  the right person to be with. Right. I have, because of that bullying, because, um, like I had a lot of things of like about my worth, about really feeling pretty myself and confident in my looks. And when you're bullied about your looks, looks become a big thing the rest of your life, you know, like, so you tie your worth to that.
• 7:45
  you tie like, well, when I don't look good, people attack me. When I look okay, people don't attack me. But then, so I had a lot of ways that I was just like, and also I learned early on that people attacked me more when I stood out, when I did share my voice, right? That's like a huge thing that I had to realize. So what I would do is like,
• 8:09
  play smaller because I'm like, well, if I don't draw a lot of attention to myself, then maybe they won't even notice me walking down the hallway. And like, that can be a day that they don't pick on me kind of thing. So, um, you know, that kind of theme wove itself through a lot of areas in my life. Um, and it, once I had to start marketing my business on social media, I still wasn't trusting my own voice because I had a lot of
• 8:39
  fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of the people who like, I felt like were always judging me stepping forward and being like, look, what are you doing? What do you know? So it was like a lot of that kind of stuff.
• 8:57
  Oh, you're so good. That is exactly what every woman needs to hear right now. So you started a business that you needed most when you were a child and it scared the bejesus out of you, but you did it. And now you're probably getting hated on because you're beautiful and smart. And now you're going to wait with welcoming it, right? No, no. But you know what? At 45, you start to feel like, you know what? I can't accept a compliment. Yeah.
• 9:24
  You know, it doesn't mean like, you know, I will, I compliment other people and I want them to accept my compliment. Like, so you can stand and hold that compliment and not have to feel like weird about it, but more. And I I'm sure you agree in your forties, it was, it was like a switch went off. And I was like, I just don't want life is too short. Um, for me to live this way anymore. That's why I have to change it now.
• 9:52
  And now I don't care who the heck's talking about me. You can talk about me in my face. I've built such a strong, solid foundation of who I am. And I so now trust myself that there's really nothing anybody can say or try to make me feel that's gonna pull me out of that. Do you regret not doing it sooner? Because that's, I don't have regret. I only wish, I started taking my life, control of my life really at 43.
• 10:23
  And arguably, you know, life expectancy is 78, that your life's half over. I didn't, I don't even call it a rebirth. I call it a birth because I never lived my life. Now, I reached a financial success. And it's well documented, but I wasn't present.
• 10:40
  I was bullied because I was short. I was called Smurf and then I would beat up everybody. That's why I became so big. I would beat up anybody that would call me. And then I got the reputation of being a tough guy and that was kind of fun. So I wore that badge for years and years and years. And now I'm trying to just be the Mr. Vulnerable and love guy because it's just better. Like you said, life just gets so much better when you get out of your own way. And I think that's what you're saying. I just wish it didn't happen in the forties and it happened for most people in their,
• 11:10
  20s would be great their teens would be great but their their 20s would be better i know so many women here in michigan that are in that situation and just drinking too much sleeping with the wrong guys um you know just going from guy to guy to guy looking for external validation and so that's where i'm going to go to is do you you're you're a coach but do you coach men or only women
• 11:37
  So it's funny, I market more towards women, but I will absolutely coach men. I actually am more comfortable in male energy. I have three brothers. I have one other girl cousin, everybody else is men. And historically, all of my closest best friends throughout my life have been guys. So I'm very comfortable in that male energy. I love working with men.
• 12:05
  This is why you and I get along. I am most comfortable working with women because I find women to be more less egotistical and they're more genuine and authentic. And I like getting because when you can be genuine and authentic.
• 12:20
  the vulnerability comes and then you get real connection. And I just, that just speaks to my soul. I want related, valuable, close relationships in my life. And we've only talked a handful of times and I feel very close to you. Cause when we talk, we talk serious. So we've only begun, just begun. Cause I'm going to get my butt out to New Jersey and hopefully you'll come to Michigan and maybe even Florida and we will, we'll catch up and we're going to do some great things together. Cause I'm really proud of what you're doing.
• 12:49
  Because having a 14-year-old daughter, it just – every woman needs – I've read all of Brene Brown's books and Shame and Regret. And it amazes me how –
• 13:01
  rampant this is and you're and you're not alone people need to know that so i'm going to pivot because i want to start talking about the amazing resources that you have available to people that could be listening to this that are in this situation i know i have a lot of female followers um so tell us about this mindset march madness which i know is already in but i want them to understand the listeners to understand what
• 13:25
  what services you offer because you're going to continue doing being awesome and it's going to keep growing and you're going to have more, uh, offerings to everybody. And I, I just, I want everybody to hear this cause there's, you're not alone. There's many resources out to you and you're just one of them. So, well, thank you for that. Um, and, and that segue. So this is what I think most people and then women especially don't realize, um,
• 13:54
  You know, we're all spending a lot of time on social media. And if you are a woman that's also building a business and you are struggling with mindset, there's no way that that struggle is just happening in a silo only in relation to your business, right? There has to be a way that that's filtering into your personal relationships, into your self-worth.
• 14:19
  into all kinds of other areas, right? It's not like you're this perfect being and then in business you're not. So it's funny, a lot of women come to me because they're like, I want to grow my business or I'm having trouble getting over mindset blocks to reach that next level of success in my business. But then it quickly, the conversation moves to, well, my relationship is like this.
• 14:44
  Or I'm having trouble finding a mate and it's making me feel like this, or I just don't feel comfortable on camera. And it's because I really don't like, like my looks. I don't, I don't think I'm pretty. I don't think people want to look at me. I feel like I'm going to be judged. So, um,
• 15:02
  Really the mindset work that I do is heavily based on getting to that truest identity of who God really made you to be, right? Because we all come into this world, and think back to your daughter as this perfect little being, right? We're goofy, we're outgoing, we're like, we're just ourselves. And then as we go through childhood and early adulthood,
• 15:31
  labels get put onto us. You know, people tell us things that we then decide in that moment, they must be right. So then it becomes a limiting.
• 15:42
  decision. We decided to believe that false thing. A limiting decision, once you carry it forward, becomes a limiting belief. And then it starts to change how you interact with the world, how you take in the information that you're receiving every moment of the day. So now it becomes an aspect of a limiting identity. So you start piling up all these limiting beliefs.
• 16:05
  all these limiting identities, I equate it to like putting on a heavy backpack and you just keep stuffing it with more stuff. By the time you're in your early twenties, you're really not anything like who you really are. You think you are what all these other people said you are. These other experiences caused you to think about yourself. But the beautiful thing is just like you chose to put that backpack on by believing those things, you can take it off.
• 16:32
  and get back to who you really are. And it doesn't have to take years and years of therapy. Science has figured out like how the subconscious mind works and there's very amazing ways that you can have quick shifts to let those kinds of limiting aspects of yourself go. So hold that thought for a second, quick shifts I wrote down here.
• 16:56
  what's the single best advice you could give a lady who is simply existing and only a little aware that something is missing or life could be much better. You just alluded to it. So I want to dig into that. And then I'm going to ask you the follow-up question that says, tell me about these quick shifts because people are sitting back going, well, Nicole is a bad-ass of course, but it just not going to work for me or worse yet. I don't have any limiting beliefs or, or everything is fine in my life. And,
• 17:25
  my amount of drinking is fine and I don't sleep with a million guys, but then they do. So tell me about what's the single best advice that you hear over and over and over that if a listener, if a woman listener is listening to this, she should call you? I mean, for one, it's the only thing holding yourself back is you.
• 17:49
  Right? If there's if there's any aspect of your life where you are not feeling truly fulfilled, you have to look inward first, right? Because everything that's happening outside is just a mirror of what's happening inside. So we have to get like really honest with ourself. If you're not attracting happiness into your life, if you're not with attracting the guy that you really want, there's a reason. And sometimes we don't want to take accountability for that. Sometimes we think, Oh, I'm going
• 18:19
  you know, people are jerks and, you know, or whatever the heck, but honestly, it's like, um, a big aspect of what I teach women is about energy, right? So if you're looking for the guy that has the great body, has the great job, the house, he's outgoing, he's going to treat you like a queen, right? But internally, you're feeling like,
• 18:42
  My body isn't where it needs to be. You know, I aren't, you know, I don't have like the personality or I don't have the job or the education or whatever it is, right? Somebody that's up here is never going to be attracted to somebody that's down here. And that's on the subconscious level.
• 19:01
  So wait, I want to stop you right there just for a second. So I've seen that happen where they do get together and then they sabotage it. Why does that happen? Because they don't truly believe that they deserve it.
• 19:18
  Right? Your subconscious mind is 95% of your mind. It is never going to make you a liar. So if you don't truly believe that you can be in a happy, fulfilling, loving relationship long-term, you believe all men are cheaters. You believe, you know, whatever, nothing, nothing lasts, right? Because maybe it was modeled to you in your early age, or maybe that was your, your experience.
• 19:46
  you're never, your mind is never going to allow you to move forward with that. Like you're going to come up, I call it like a thermostat set point in your mind. It's like, oh, we're getting close to that. So now we're going to start to self-sabotage and make this belief that you hold on to deeply actually true. And what you deeply hold on to and believe is what you will continually manifest in your life.
• 20:14
  You get what you want. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, why is, why is this change so hard for people? I mean, you turn on any of this personal development people, they're all gonna say the same thing. Love yourself, do the workout, don't drink, meditate, read books, watch podcasts, but yet nobody will do it. Why is it so hard? This is what I've found to be true for me. And this is what I've learned as I went through certification to become a mindset coach. Right. Um, again,
• 20:43
  Your conscious mind is 5% of your brain. So anytime you were trying to make change on the conscious level, you are working with your willpower and willpower. We only have so much it's finite. We only have so much every single day. It's why you walk into the office and there's a plate of cookies at 10 in the morning and you're like, I'm not having those cookies. But by three o'clock you're like, screw this. I'm having the damn cookie, right? Your willpower ran out. So to make a truly lasting change.
• 21:13
  the things that are holding you back are stored in your subconscious. So you need to access that and be able to change it on the subconscious level because you have to change. So there's something Kelly, it's called the levels of your mind. Okay. And it's like a funnel. It's like an inverted triangle if you think of it. So at the top is purpose, then it's identity, then it's values, beliefs, potential,
• 21:39
  behaviors and environment. So when you're reading the books and trying to put in the routines and all that stuff, you're only working with behaviors. And behaviors at the bottom of the funnel only funnel down into your environment. So to truly change, you have to change your identity.
• 22:00
  become that more true version of yourself. Because when you truly believe, I'm the person that gets up. I'm the person that's a person of excellence. So what does that person of excellence do? You know, they believe that,
• 22:15
  differently. They value different things. Their behaviors then become different because they fall in line with who they truly believe they are, right? So when people try to, I always like to just use health and fitness because it's such an easy analogy, but if you're trying to like drink more water, hit your 10,000 steps, work out a couple times a week, right? But deep rooted in your mind, you don't believe you are somebody that could...
• 22:44
  Be healthy as a lifestyle and just be that way all the time. It's never going to change. Eventually, you're going to lose that five pounds and then you're going to be like, all right, you're going to start self-sabotaging because you're coming back up against that thermostat in your mind that says, I really truly only see myself like this.
• 23:02
  killing me so you got to tell me what what you keep going subconscious is it some sort of hypnotherapy that you do or what you said you called it a quick shift give me an example of one quick shift so maybe some ladies listen to this right now and she's like oh i like this i'm gonna call nicole but i still don't understand what are we talking about what's a quick shift we can that that you can say to her
• 23:25
  So the easiest way to explain it is that you could think of your brain as a holographic filing cabinet. Okay. Everything that you've experienced, every time you believe something, if I say like Kelly, um, you know.
• 23:43
  What do you believe about like, you know, who you used to be, right? If you close your eyes, usually like a picture, an image will come up, right? Of like the behaviors like, like, no, you don't have to, but like a snapshot of something that happened in your life. And you're like, man, I remember when I was like that, right? So
• 24:03
  Um, neuroscientists have figured out how, um, like our brain will store a certain memory in a certain way. So I work with clients and one of the things that we call it's like single, it's called single belief change. So I'll ask them, what is this belief that you would no longer like to believe about yourself? Okay. Close your eyes. And I want you to pull up that picture of what that looks like in your mind. Let me know when you have it and when they have it,
• 24:30
  I run through a series of questions very quickly so that we're bypassing their conscious mind and getting that immediate intuitive subconscious answer. So now I've found out how they store that limiting belief, right? Then I ask them, now I want you to pull up the opposite. What is the opposite of this thing, this thing that you want to believe?
• 24:55
  And then they pull up that picture in their mind. And then I run through that same series of questions to get clear about how they store that. Then I find out where are, it's called contrastive analysis, where are the drivers that are different? And then I have them recall up that old picture and I change the way they're storing that.
• 25:18
  to how they stored the good thing. And then when they come out of that experience and it's not hypnotherapy or anything, I say, okay, now how did you feel? How do you feel about that old limiting belief? It's actually a four step process. And we do it four times. But all in one session. At the end, they're like, I don't know.
• 25:36
  I just sort of don't believe it anymore. The only way I can explain it when you make these shifts is like, you remember that you used to feel like that, but it like doesn't bring up any kind of emotion. And you're like, yeah, no, I remember like I used to not feel confident, but like, that's just not me. I don't believe that anymore. What does something like that cost? So I do one off 90 minute transformation sessions and it's three 47.
• 26:03
  or I work with people one-on-one. I usually suggest like a three-month program. And it's like, I want to do it. I want to do it. You would love it. It's amazing. I want to do it. I want to do it. I'll pay it. I, I, I,
• 26:17
  I've been posting like this year I've plateaued and now I'm deep diving into this. There's got to be something. I just reached out to my hypnotherapist and said something's off and I'm going to hurt. So if I can keep it in the family, I'm going to come to you. And there's something that has got me stopped right now. And you know me, I'm going to go straight through it. So.
• 26:38
  I'm not worried, but it's like, I want to, I bet you're, I am so visual that it's going to go, oh, and I'll be your best aha moment. We'll laugh together. So, so you have my word. I'm going to, I will reach out to you after and we'll figure this out. Talk to me about self. The first chapter of my book, harder than life. It talks about self-awareness and a lot of people just deny where they're at.
• 27:06
  So what happens, what do you do when you, it's the ego that's protecting them. It's, this is the familiar misery over the unfamiliar happiness. Talk to me about that. And if, if someone were listening to this and saying, all right, this is stupid. I don't, I don't, everything's perfect. How would they know that it's not? And they know that their ego is talking and how does one become self-aware? So for one.
• 27:31
  It's just like an addict. You can't have somebody change if they're not ready to change. So. Yeah, that hits home. I have some people in my life because being in this space, people reach out to you and they want to change. My big thing is, is, you know, choosing not to drink. So people reach out to me and I got a problem with alcohol. And then they don't, they're at least aware. I'll give them that.
• 28:01
  But to do the work, they don't do it. And it freaking hugs at my heart, Nicole. I can't do it. I can't be a coach. That's why I'm so envious of you and so loving it. I got to make a positive. I got to change each person a different way. I read something somewhere. We all know this.
• 28:22
  It's like a drowning person. When you approach them, if they don't want to be saved, they will drown you. So there is absolutely no way that you can lift anybody up that doesn't want to be lifted up. And a matter of fact, if you try, they will drown you. I literally have a story that I got to keep to myself about this happened last night. Someone reached out to me and woke me up from a dead sleep. And I tried to help him and it ended horribly. And I was like, I...
• 28:50
  for my own wellbeing have to cut this person off as much as that they're aware they want help, but just not willing. They're just stuck. What would your advice be to someone that just take the assessment and at least make, commit the $350 and take the assessment to try to see what, what is that what you would do? Or you just wait till they life gets so crappy for them that, that they just say, I just got to change.
• 29:17
  Yeah. So for one, like my 90 minute sessions are for somebody that's like, I know I need, I know that this is the thing or like that there's something that's holding me back. And I, so it's really good if you have some clarity that you're like, I know I have a fear about this, or I really don't believe I could ever make money. I don't believe I could be successful. I don't believe I could, you know, do this or that. So transformation sessions are like really great
• 29:45
  if you already have a level of focus, if you're going to be involved with any coach, you have to know that something is wrong. You can't come in and be like, I think I'm all right, but check me out. It's not anything like that. You have to be like, this area of my life is not working for me. I want it to work better.
• 30:08
  But coaching is also for, so it's not just even for the people that are having a problem, but it's for the people that now have success and they know I want to take this further.
• 30:19
  And I know I need to come into a higher version of myself to get to that next level. Right. I've brought it to this, but I want to go here. Help me get there. So, um, you know, the coaching is for like two types of people. It's for the people that like are at rock bottom or experiencing a bunch of problems. But then it's also for people that have that certain level of enlightenment that are like, I want that mentor and that guide to go with me. Um,
• 30:45
  I'm going to, that's why I'm at and I'm going to, I'm going to do it. Talk to me about in your experience and in your life, what happens when people, when people do nothing? I know the answer, but I want it to come from you. You know that something's in alignment. You're at least aware, you know, this thing and you do nothing. What does life look like for that person? You know,
• 31:14
  Start every January with the same damn resolution. Right. Because nothing changed. You look back and you're like, the year flew by. I'm still at the same spot. I'm still at the same weight.
• 31:27
  I'm still not turning a profit in my business. I'm still not- Same way, get older, you know how that happens. Yeah, I believe it. Get a little heavier. You know, I'm still not happy in my relationship. I'm still not happy with myself. I'm still, this is, I always share this story and I feel like this really embodies everything that I believe and try to help people with, okay? So there's a story of an old Hasidic rabbi. His name was Zuzia. Have you ever heard this?
• 31:58
  I don't know. Okay. So Zuzia is laying on his deathbed and he's sobbing hysterically. And the people around him are like, Zuzia, what's wrong? Um, you know, you're going to get to heaven and God's going to be like, oh my gosh, you know, you, you, you did so great in your life. Um, and Zuzia says, I'm not crying about that. He said, if I go to heaven and God's like Zuzia, why weren't you more like Moses? Why weren't you more like Abraham? He's like, I know what I'll say.
• 32:28
  He said, but if when I get to heaven and God says, Zuzia, why were you not Zuzia? What will I say then? And to me, that is really the whole story, right? We get one go at this. You don't want to be like, I could have been.
• 32:54
  get the chills right now. Oh, I just posted something about this. It said, we only, we die once. We live every day. This isn't a dress rehearsal. I posted about like, why are people partying like rock stars? Like they did something. And I know the answer. I'm just trying to create awareness and trying to funnel people to you because I just can't do it. I, what I've seen in my experience is life gets worse.
• 33:22
  When you do nothing, life tends to get worse because whatever you're using as a crutch, whether it be sex, drugs, alcohol, porn, work, you tend to need more of it and more of it and more of it. And that starts causing other problems in every factor of your life. So if it's only a problem in one part of your life, it goes everywhere. That's what happened with me.
• 33:53
  just is what broke the camel's back of me making the change. What was your point of change? When did you just say enough is enough? Was there a moment? Everybody says there's a moment. Somebody asked me this the other day and I, and I, I made my decision to change. I was drinking in a key West Florida and I said, I'm going to,
• 34:11
  on new year's i'm going to quit drinking i'm going to try and it just there wasn't an aha moment it just boom and i did it that's how i i do everything weird so how what was your moment where you said this is enough is enough there's a better life out there and then follow it up with how's good is life right now all right so um it all happens like
• 34:31
  At the end of 2020, actually probably like into 2021. So now it was like, I had completed that first year of my business. I made $11,000 that year, um, because I was afraid to put myself out there.
• 34:46
  I wouldn't show up on camera. I wasn't on stories. There was no like reels or anything like that, but like I was afraid to market myself. And my first business was a social media management company and you have to be out there, right? I have to be on social media. So I had just completed this first year where I've made, you know, a 10th, not even a 10th of what I had been making the year before my corporate career. Um,
• 35:09
  And it was, we were about to go do something with a group of people because like lockdown was like, like the restrictions were coming away. And I had this huge anxiety attack about having to be around a bunch of people, even in a social situation, because I would always sort of like not change myself, but I always would change my...
• 35:39
  Uh, energy in the room, like I would play off of like what other people were giving me, I wasn't standing confident and firm in who I was. I was still like this little like shell of myself. I can't explain it, but it was like being alone in my home was very, in my home was very like restorative during COVID. And then, um, uh, I'm a blend. I'm an introvert extrovert. Like I love that, that restorative nature of, of being alone. Um, I'm never bored when I'm alone.
• 36:09
  But I also love being in a good crowd if it's the right energy. But if any, I, I guess I should say it this way, Kelly. I knew that in certain social situations, if I wasn't around people who were completely supportive and kind, I would fall back into that small version of myself that stemmed from all those years of bullying.
• 36:34
  So I, at that point I was like, I just wanna feel confident walking into any situation, walking into any room, any social situation, putting myself out there in my business. I was like, I am 41 years old. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna struggle with this. And that was when I got really serious. What advice would you give? So you said at 41, what would you give the 31 year old
• 37:04
  What would you give the 31-year-old Nicole advice about knowing what you know now? For one, I would say pay attention to the areas where you're struggling and stop denying that it's a problem. Stop pretending that it's not real, that you're just like in your head every now and then and putting on that facade because...
• 37:33
  like you said, with the other areas of like addiction and stuff like that, it just gets worse as you get older. It just compounds and becomes stronger, it doesn't get easier. So become aware, do the work, learn about this stuff. Because this is so this should be taught in every grade school, every kindergartner up should be learning this stuff because there's nothing you can do that
• 37:59
  will more powerfully affect every aspect of your life than understanding who you truly are, empowering yourself, letting go of all things that have been holding you back that are really not of you. I love it. I love what you're saying. I just want I'm not even speaking. What does your daily winning routine look like?
• 38:23
  So I, on my Instagram, I actually have a morning routine and, um, but I am not super strict with it. Okay. Because everybody has to know what works for you, right? If you are somebody that doesn't like to live in the space of rigidity, just because somebody says you need to do this to be successful does not mean that's going to work for you. Everybody's different. Some people are morning people. Some people are night people. Um,
• 38:52
  So, but I do know the things that set my day up for success. So I put as many of those in, in a way that feels good to me, time permitting. Right? So, um, there's times of the year where I'm getting up at five and that feels great and I'm hitting the gym at five and starting my day off like that. There's other times of the year where I feel like working out later in the evening fits me better, but it always revolves around exercise, reading my Bible.
• 39:22
  um, praying and music. Like I am, uh, we all have different representational systems. I'm auditory. So like music is like very like restorative to me. Do you meditate? I used to be a big meditator, um,
• 39:44
  I do it when I feel like I need it. I don't do it every single day. And that's, and that's just what works for me. But my prayer time, I guess, is sort of meditative. But I've been, you know, life is like a beautiful journey. There's times where I was like so into yoga and like doing all that. And, and, and, but now I'm like,
• 40:09
  I'm a Gemara. I'm a weight room. I love, I love the person I'm becoming. I'm like, I've actually been able to slow down and just look around and smell the roses and just see, you know, measure the gain and not the gap. You know, it's like, uh, I look and I just look in the mirror. I, for me, it was, I didn't like the guy in the mirror. That was it. I hated, I could look, I could look at my face. It was blotchy. It was puffy. And it was like, I'm drinking too much. That was it. What is your relationship with alcohol?
• 40:39
  Kelly, I worked in casinos for 10 years because I went to Atlantic City High School. I live right here.
• 40:47
  I was a bartender. I was a beverage director. I managed a wine inventory of $250,000. So I have a, I'm blessed to have a very healthy relationship with alcohol. I have $350 bottles of tequila in my house. My husband and I don't even touch it. Like I'm not the person that has a glass of wine every day. Um, I, I don't even drink hard alcohol anymore. Um, it just doesn't like.
• 41:16
  I don't like the kind of buzz that it ever does give me. I drink Prosecco if we go out to dinner or we're getting together with friends, but that's it. I'm so grateful for you. We're going to be friends forever. Define happiness for me. Oh, my gosh. I mean, the first thing that popped into my head is like God. Like to me, happiness is feeling connected and grounded to something bigger than you.
• 41:46
  It's not about the money. It's not about the cars. It's not even fully about, and I like cringe to say this a little bit. It's not even fully about family, right? It has to start with God and that relationship. And then everything else that stems off of that to me is just better and bigger and brighter, right? But if you're not connected to that,
• 42:16
  first, I feel like you're sort of lost. What does then define success? So success, this is funny, Kelly, I actually heard this, I think it was like maybe on on one of Craig's podcasts, he was like interviewing somebody. And they said in 1828, the definition of success
• 42:41
  was the achievement of anything or the successful achievement of anything attempted, right? I actually like have it in my notes. But then nowadays, it's like fame and fortune and that kind of stuff. Here, wait.
• 43:01
  I wrote it down. It says in 1828, it said the definition of success is the favorable termination of anything attempted. This means success is different for different people and different callings. It's unique and it's individualized. So now today, the definition of success is getting or achieving wealth, fortune, or fame, which means you either have it or you don't. So it's like we have to get back to the real meaning.
• 43:28
  of what success is. Success to you is not going to be success to me. It's not going to be success to my neighbor. Like people have a false sense of what it means to be successful. And they're using society and media to tell us what success is. But only you, once you know your purpose, right? Your purpose, your passion, your reason for being here, the gifts you have to give out in the world.
• 43:57
  then you can define your own definition of success. Not one point in there. Did you say money or material or materialistic success? Or there wasn't a, there wasn't one figure. There wasn't a quantitative thing about that. I need to point that out. There wasn't, I have 50,000 followers, a hundred thousand followers, a million followers. I don't have a million dollar business. So.
• 44:23
  I love you. I want to make sure that the listeners know how to support you. And I believe it's your one-on-one coaching because I'm going to sign up. It's amazing. So tell me about the one-on-one coaching. What does something like that look like? How is it done? Somebody's listening, talk about it. So one-on-one coaching brings me so much joy. Like,
• 44:48
  This is so what I am meant to do. So I work with clients one-on-one. We do a call every single week. And it's, you can either do a 60 minute call or a 90 minute call. I tend to like the 90 minute calls because we can get a little bit deeper and make sure we get all the modalities in there that we're working with or that we need to do in a session. You sign up for three months at a time. You pay monthly and in between the sessions, because this is what people forget. In the session is...
• 45:17
  One part of the transformation, the biggest transformation happens in between sessions when you're actually integrating what you've learned, what you've let go of, what you're stepping into.
• 45:30
  So on those in between times, I connect so much with my clients on Voxer because I want to know what are the shifts that are happening in between because people forget everything that happens in a week. So I want to stay closely connected so I can guide them through that. Yeah. And right now it's $9.97 a month. And that's what we do. That's cheap. Do you, man, do you give them homework and action items to do besides the checking in on Voxer?
• 45:58
  Whenever it's appropriate. Yeah. I'm not like do or die every week. You're getting homework just because, but I base it on the session and I know what they need to work on to either prepare for the next session or to reinforce what we just did during the current session. So many people need this. You are literally doing God's work. I can think of
• 46:24
  15 people that need to sign up right away. So hopefully they're listening. All of your socials, all of these things will be in the show notes. But I want to ask, we're going to finish it up with this one. Is there something I haven't asked you today that you feel compelled to share? Because we just, I got to have you back because we just scratched the surface. There's so many things I wanted to deep dive into, but we only have an hour today. But was there anything else that you want to share with the audience?
• 46:51
  No, I just, I just always like to leave it with like two little thoughts. You know, one, life is not about you. And I think that so many of us get that wrong, right? We're here to help other people. We're here to help each other. We're here. So, so when you take the focus off of you or anytime you're really struggling, one of the easiest things to do is go help somebody else and it'll pull you out of that. Right. They, they, they say there's always somebody better than you going through something worse.
• 47:21
  So take the focus off of you. Um, and the other thing. Wait a minute, hold on. Say that again. That was awesome. Somebody better than you going through something worse. Yes. There's always somebody better than you going through something worse, something harder. So remember that. I'm floored that you're going to see that on my social media tomorrow.
• 47:49
  All right, I'm sorry, I stole the second item. So go ahead and what was the second item? Because it's going to be profound. And I love you remind me of Columbo. And since you're old, like he does that last minute like little question and you just drop the best nugget at the very end. And then I'm just now I'm so excited to get this next one. So tell me what it is. So the second one is all you need is within you right now. Right? It's already in you.
• 48:17
  My job isn't to make you anything different. It's already there. I'm just going to help you pull it forward. Wow. I love you. You are amazing. I'm going to call you after this. I got another podcast to record and I want to sign up for that. I'm going to try to steer as many people your way as I possibly can, as nicely as I possibly can. I tend to attract a lot of people that could use your services.
• 48:44
  That's probably why I love you so much because I'm so over it. I just have no time. I'm not available for that crap anymore. I'm not here to – I'm here to inspire, educate, and model the behaviors that people need to do to win.
• 49:00
  and when I'm doing, and I'm going to continue doing it. So I want to let everybody know that each and every episode is sponsored by National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day. Visit TrustNTM.com for more information. And until next week, be harder than life. I love you, Nick. Love you. Thank you so much for having me.
• 49:23
  Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to Harder Than Life, and let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.