Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Right Person Wrong Time and Good Relationship Wrong Life (Headnoise)

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Right Person Wrong Time and Good Relationship Wrong Life (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:17
Speaker 1: Of course, this is a head Noise episode. I'm going
0:20
Speaker 1: to be answering your questions. We're going to be unraveling
0:25
Speaker 1: what's in your head the head noise, and we're going
0:28
Speaker 1: to try and get ourselves as close to a solution
0:31
Speaker 1: or an answer or some sort of clarity as possible. Okay,
0:35
Speaker 1: I've got this email head noise. I've got three that
0:38
Speaker 1: I want to work through. And I just want to
0:39
Speaker 1: read out the titles of this head noise because I
0:43
Speaker 1: love I love a good title.
0:46
Speaker 2: So this one's right person, wrong time? Is it bullshit
0:51
Speaker 2: or not love that?
0:53
Speaker 1: The next one is feeling stuck and looking for direction,
0:56
Speaker 1: and the other one is good relationship, wrong life?
0:59
Speaker 2: How good? Can't wait? Okay, let's get into it.
1:02
Speaker 1: So the first one, let's begin. Hi, alexis I love
1:05
Speaker 1: your pod. I've been listening for about three years now
1:06
Speaker 1: and always chuck your episodes on when I need my
1:09
Speaker 1: head screwed on a little bit.
1:10
Speaker 2: Straight up. That's brilliant.
1:11
Speaker 1: There should be my next campaign, screw your head on
1:15
Speaker 1: or screw your head anyway. Your way of answering advice
1:19
Speaker 1: questions is amazing it's so insightful, and I love how
1:21
Speaker 1: you will try it to lead people to their own
1:23
Speaker 1: answers instead of just outright.
1:24
Speaker 2: Telling them what to do. Thank you.
1:26
Speaker 1: Love that, Thank you. That's my goal if it's useful.
1:30
Speaker 1: I'm in my early thirties and the man is the same.
1:33
Speaker 1: Like the title suggests, I've always thought right person, wrong
1:36
Speaker 1: time was bullshit, and if someone was the right person,
1:39
Speaker 1: it wouldn't matter on timing and you'd find a way
1:42
Speaker 1: to make it work. I guess I've met someone or
1:45
Speaker 1: that's changed my mind and I need some help navigating it.
1:47
Speaker 1: We met through work, where I'm in a lower working
1:50
Speaker 1: position to him. I'm currently in a graduate position, and
1:52
Speaker 1: when we met, he was in the position of my
1:54
Speaker 1: assessor slash instructor. Nothing untoward happened while we were in
1:57
Speaker 1: direct working lines of each other, but were vibing and
2:00
Speaker 1: the banter was.
2:01
Speaker 2: Flowing, which we love.
2:03
Speaker 1: Essentially, immediately after we finished working together, he came up
2:06
Speaker 1: on my Tinder. I thought, fuck it, and I liked
2:08
Speaker 1: him and it was a match. This started around four
2:12
Speaker 1: months ago, with us going on dates and seeing each
2:14
Speaker 1: other pretty regularly. It was pretty obvious we both had
2:16
Speaker 1: big feelings for one another, and we talked about how
2:19
Speaker 1: neither of us wanted something casual. When we were together
2:22
Speaker 1: it felt really good, but when we were apart, both
2:24
Speaker 1: of us both felt a lot of stress and anxiety.
2:27
Speaker 1: His was surrounding work finding out and mine was around
2:30
Speaker 1: him leaving because his anxiety has got too much. With
2:33
Speaker 1: our work culture, there's a lot of stigma surrounding people
2:36
Speaker 1: in these different hierarchical roles. Dating or falling around as
2:40
Speaker 1: it used to be super common, but there was some
2:42
Speaker 1: company wide backlash. At this stage, there's about a five
2:44
Speaker 1: to ten percent chance I'll work directly under him again,
2:47
Speaker 1: possibly even lower. To also clarify, after we matched on Tinder,
2:51
Speaker 1: I made the move to ask him to dinner. I
2:53
Speaker 1: can say with certainty that because of the work culture stuff,
2:57
Speaker 1: he never would have made the first move. The long
2:59
Speaker 1: story short is that after four months it's now ended.
3:01
Speaker 1: He said, the stress is getting too much and the
3:04
Speaker 1: best chance for us to have a chance is to
3:06
Speaker 1: end it now and see where we both are once
3:08
Speaker 1: the graduate part of my career is done, which will
3:10
Speaker 1: be around October, so that's not that far away. That's
3:13
Speaker 1: what like six months, I think, six seven months, six.
3:17
Speaker 2: Seven He's told me that there's no issue in.
3:21
Speaker 1: The company once that's done. It's just very frowned upon
3:23
Speaker 1: now and could affect future promotions in the roles. The
3:26
Speaker 1: area I need helping is how do I sit in
3:29
Speaker 1: the unknown now. The graduate role requires a lot of
3:31
Speaker 1: study outside of work hours, so I'm not looking to
3:34
Speaker 1: date currently as I want my focus to be on
3:36
Speaker 1: me doing well. We made no promises to each other though,
3:39
Speaker 1: so realistically he could go out and date and I
3:41
Speaker 1: just have to be okay with that. I'm struggling not
3:43
Speaker 1: to be able to have any control on this outcome
3:45
Speaker 1: and sitting in the what ifs. I'm also struggling with
3:48
Speaker 1: a huge change in the amount of contact we have had,
3:50
Speaker 1: going from talking every day to now a couple of
3:52
Speaker 1: times a week.
3:53
Speaker 2: Please help a girl out before I ruminate myself into
3:56
Speaker 2: a brain injury. Long. Oh, Okay, this is hard. Okay.
4:02
Speaker 1: The first thing I'm going to suggest that you do
4:04
Speaker 1: I recommend that you do is I want you to really,
4:08
Speaker 1: whatever it takes, you need to get into the headspace
4:11
Speaker 1: of acting as if it is completely over, like it
4:14
Speaker 1: is over. He is an ex And the reason I
4:16
Speaker 1: say this is because if you make it feel like
4:20
Speaker 1: it's on hold and it's been paused, and this and
4:23
Speaker 1: that you're going to be and this is irrelevant if
4:27
Speaker 1: you want to date other people or not, it doesn't matter.
4:28
Speaker 1: But you're going to be acting like you are waiting,
4:31
Speaker 1: you're holding on, you're pausing, you're in your head, you're.
4:35
Speaker 2: Holding onto this oblong.
4:36
Speaker 1: I'm kind of in a relationship and in whatever. And
4:38
Speaker 1: it doesn't allow you to just have this sense of
4:41
Speaker 1: total freedom and total flexibility as a single person would,
4:45
Speaker 1: even if you don't want to go on dates.
4:47
Speaker 2: Your mind is occupied with that. And the reason why
4:51
Speaker 2: this is also.
4:51
Speaker 1: So important is because if you do get together with
4:56
Speaker 1: him after this happens, it's going to be a brand
4:58
Speaker 1: new relationship starting from scratch. So you want to look
5:02
Speaker 1: at the one that's happened now where it was in secrecy.
5:04
Speaker 2: Is done. It's finished.
5:05
Speaker 1: It's done, and I need to, like, like I was
5:07
Speaker 1: saying in last week's episode, I need to close that chapter.
5:10
Speaker 2: Okay, So I think that I.
5:14
Speaker 1: Want you to look at behaviors that you are engaging
5:18
Speaker 1: in that make you feel like you're putting your life
5:20
Speaker 1: on hold for him, and you need to do a
5:22
Speaker 1: bit of an audit.
5:23
Speaker 2: Okay. So if anyone recommends, oh, do you want to
5:26
Speaker 2: go out and do this and meet some new people.
5:27
Speaker 1: And you're thinking, oh no, like I just can't wait
5:29
Speaker 1: for him to come back into my life, and I
5:31
Speaker 1: think you go to that event.
5:32
Speaker 2: Okay.
5:33
Speaker 1: If there's going to be an opportunity where you actually
5:35
Speaker 1: do vibe of someone, even if you don't want to
5:37
Speaker 1: be dating, and you're kind of send me interested, go
5:40
Speaker 1: on the day, explore things, have conversations with people, flirt
5:43
Speaker 1: if you want, Okay. But what I'm saying is act
5:45
Speaker 1: as if you were a single girl about town and
5:49
Speaker 1: you are completely independent in that regard relationship wise.
5:52
Speaker 2: Okay.
5:53
Speaker 1: Another thing I want you to ask yourself. Now, this
5:56
Speaker 1: is me just dotting the eyes and crossing the t's,
6:00
Speaker 1: but I want you to ask yourself, is it possible
6:03
Speaker 1: that the reason why this relationship felt so good and
6:07
Speaker 1: was so awesome was because.
6:10
Speaker 2: Of the secrecy around it.
6:12
Speaker 1: A lot of relationships start off with this secrecy, whether
6:15
Speaker 1: it's affairs, whether it's a workplace scenario, whether it's you know,
6:18
Speaker 1: there's many, many, many reasons why a relationship might start
6:21
Speaker 1: off as a secret before they go out into the
6:23
Speaker 1: public and in that time, it sometimes feels like the
6:28
Speaker 1: connection is stronger than ever because it's like the two
6:30
Speaker 1: of you against the world. No one can know about it,
6:31
Speaker 1: so that there is this added element to the relationship
6:35
Speaker 1: that does bring you closer in a way, or at
6:37
Speaker 1: least it makes you feel like you are closer because
6:40
Speaker 1: it's something that only the two of you know about,
6:43
Speaker 1: so you share and in this bubble. Okay, does that
6:49
Speaker 1: change how much you actually like him?
6:52
Speaker 2: The answer might be no, it doesn't.
6:54
Speaker 1: I think you can never know unless you actually do it,
6:56
Speaker 1: But like it's still important to shed some light on
6:58
Speaker 1: it and and what it would be like after the fact,
7:01
Speaker 1: because it's easy to get caught up in this thrill
7:04
Speaker 1: and excitement of this you know, forbidden love kind of vibe,
7:09
Speaker 1: and then when it all comes out and when all's normal,
7:11
Speaker 1: then you start it's the every day you see each other,
7:13
Speaker 1: and every day would just still be as compatible and
7:17
Speaker 1: as you know, successful moving forward if you were to
7:20
Speaker 1: see each other every day. And then the other thing
7:22
Speaker 1: I'm going to ask you is be very very very
7:26
Speaker 1: very blunt with yourself and say, am I reading him properly?
7:33
Speaker 2: Is he being legit? And the answer I vs.
7:36
Speaker 1: And that's great, but you have to ask yourself the
7:37
Speaker 1: hard questions, and I'm I will be the one to
7:40
Speaker 1: highlight the hard questions for you so you don't have
7:42
Speaker 1: to find out the hard way. Or is he using
7:45
Speaker 1: this as an excuse because he is now over it,
7:48
Speaker 1: he doesn't want to be with me, he tried it,
7:52
Speaker 1: liked me but not enough or whatever? Is this just
7:55
Speaker 1: a really good out for him, or you're like, no,
7:58
Speaker 1: alexis you've got it completely wrong?
8:00
Speaker 2: Or is he actually so into you?
8:02
Speaker 1: But the anxiety is like, it's exactly as he says
8:04
Speaker 1: it is, and he is just gonna wait, Okay, ask
8:08
Speaker 1: yourself that And if there's this feeling of doom in
8:11
Speaker 1: your tummy, being like, that's the thing I don't want
8:15
Speaker 1: to hear. Sometimes if we like, your instincts are quite
8:19
Speaker 1: right a lot of the time, and if you're like
8:21
Speaker 1: based on his actions, based on like I just read him,
8:25
Speaker 1: and I feel like, deep down he was just finding
8:29
Speaker 1: it out and this is the proper out. And that's
8:31
Speaker 1: why I'm freaking out so much. That's why I've got
8:32
Speaker 1: so much anxiety, because I feel I know the answer
8:34
Speaker 1: and it's getting closer and closer and closer and then
8:37
Speaker 1: what you know? In a way, I don't have the
8:38
Speaker 1: clearest answer, So I'm kind of saved here. But what
8:41
Speaker 1: do I do when October rolls around and he what
8:43
Speaker 1: if he doesn't message me?
8:44
Speaker 2: Am I messaging here?
8:45
Speaker 3: Like?
8:45
Speaker 2: What's gonna happen?
8:46
Speaker 1: Right? So I just want you to face a potential
8:50
Speaker 1: reality and see does this sit well with me?
8:54
Speaker 2: Is this right?
8:54
Speaker 1: Because if you feel that, then before the next few months,
8:59
Speaker 1: go on where you've got you head?
9:00
Speaker 2: Okay, we'll ask him about on a date later.
9:01
Speaker 1: Then I think you should very comfortably confront him, being
9:04
Speaker 1: like if this is you just not wanting to pursue whatever,
9:09
Speaker 1: this is a safe space you can tell me. And
9:11
Speaker 1: I'm an adult and I might not like the answer,
9:13
Speaker 1: but I can handle the answer. It's not about me
9:16
Speaker 1: liking it. It's not about you making me happy. I
9:18
Speaker 1: just want the truth. And if you need to be honest,
9:21
Speaker 1: this is your opportunity and I will respect it. You'll
9:24
Speaker 1: be heartbroken, but you can respect someone saving you time.
9:28
Speaker 2: Okay. So I if.
9:29
Speaker 1: You feel in your guart that this is his out,
9:32
Speaker 1: give him a safe opportunity to say so okay. Because
9:37
Speaker 1: there's a lot of people that are cowards out there,
9:38
Speaker 1: and they will use any fucking excuse under the sun,
9:40
Speaker 1: and then looking you in the eye and saying I'm sorry,
9:43
Speaker 1: I just don't feel that way. People don't like saying that, okay,
9:46
Speaker 1: because it's a hard conversation to help I get it, okay,
9:48
Speaker 1: But be really critical and ask yourself, because sometimes chemistry
9:54
Speaker 1: can be so strong that it is so binding.
9:57
Speaker 2: Like you said, the banter was great, and especially.
9:59
Speaker 1: Like supervisor, you're working underneath him this that like it
10:02
Speaker 1: it's you know, this dynamic that's not allowed, and so
10:07
Speaker 1: then the band is amazing, and the chemistry can sometimes
10:10
Speaker 1: be such a strong binding thing. But is there enough
10:14
Speaker 1: outside of the chemistry. That's what you want to ask yourself.
10:17
Speaker 1: And if after everything I've said to you, after like no, no, no, no, no,
10:20
Speaker 1: there's no way this isn't out for him. I know
10:22
Speaker 1: for a fact that he is into me. He's this,
10:25
Speaker 1: he's that, he's whatever. He can go see other people,
10:27
Speaker 1: but whatever, you know, but he's October's going to roll
10:31
Speaker 1: around and we're gonna then I just say, find little
10:34
Speaker 1: things to like distract you in the interim, limit your
10:39
Speaker 1: communication with him so you're not thinking about him. Twenty
10:42
Speaker 1: four seven and allow that kind of wash out period
10:44
Speaker 1: where you guys can.
10:45
Speaker 2: Kind of really cleanse each other out.
10:48
Speaker 1: And if you still feel that way on October, then
10:50
Speaker 1: I think that's a good opportunity to actually date this person.
10:53
Speaker 1: But there's no point dating now for the right reasons.
10:56
Speaker 1: You guys have chosen the correct reasons why you shouldn't
10:58
Speaker 1: be dating. Like obviously, even that anxiety, like that's not
11:00
Speaker 1: how you date. That's just crazy, Like you're going to
11:02
Speaker 1: feel absolutely shit, he's going to feel like shit.
11:04
Speaker 3: Whatever.
11:05
Speaker 1: But I think I just want you to ask yourself
11:07
Speaker 1: those hard questions and then if they pass, if he
11:10
Speaker 1: passes with flying colors, if your view of the relationship
11:13
Speaker 1: passes with flying colors, then at least you can be like,
11:15
Speaker 1: all right, I'm going to end the relationship of how
11:17
Speaker 1: it was in my head, and I'm going to look
11:19
Speaker 1: forward to the potential blossoming of a brain new relationship
11:22
Speaker 1: come October. Okay, but don't waste your time being in
11:26
Speaker 1: denial about information that you might already have in your
11:29
Speaker 1: heart and you don't want to face it. Okay, thank
11:31
Speaker 1: you for writing in, because that's a really good one.
11:34
Speaker 1: Next question, this is the one about feeling stuck. Feeling
11:39
Speaker 1: stuck and looking for direction. Hi alexis who I'm writing
11:48
Speaker 1: because I currently feel quite lost in my life, and
11:50
Speaker 1: I hope you might have some thoughts or advice. I'm
11:53
Speaker 1: thirty three years old and on paper, my life looks great.
11:57
Speaker 1: I live in a beautiful apartment with an amazing view
11:59
Speaker 1: of the lake love for you.
12:01
Speaker 2: I have a well paid job.
12:02
Speaker 1: Financially, I'm comfortable, and I've learnt to enjoy my money
12:05
Speaker 1: and take care of myself. I wouldn't say I spend excessively,
12:08
Speaker 1: but I allow myself to do things that make me
12:10
Speaker 1: happy without constantly worrying about the end of the month.
12:13
Speaker 1: Despite all of that, I don't feel fulfilled. I'm single,
12:17
Speaker 1: and nothing is really keeping me where I am accept
12:19
Speaker 1: my family, I live in my hometown, and lately I've
12:22
Speaker 1: been feeling a strong need for change. I've traveled before,
12:24
Speaker 1: just for fun, but it didn't give me the sense
12:26
Speaker 1: of direction i'd hoped for. When I came back, everything
12:28
Speaker 1: went back to the same routine. Find a job, settle again,
12:31
Speaker 1: and repeat. If I were to travel again, I think
12:33
Speaker 1: I would need a purpose or goal behind it. The
12:36
Speaker 1: challenges that I don't really know what I want. I
12:38
Speaker 1: don't like I don't feel like I have a clear passion,
12:41
Speaker 1: and thinking about it constantly is starting to burn me out.
12:43
Speaker 1: It feels like I'm just going in circles mentally without
12:46
Speaker 1: finding clarity. In one of your podcasts, you mentioned that
12:49
Speaker 1: you often don't know if something is right for you
12:51
Speaker 1: until you start it. That really resonated with me. But
12:54
Speaker 1: my problem is I don't even know where to start.
12:56
Speaker 1: One area that attracts me is the wellness industry. I'm
12:58
Speaker 1: a sporty person and I'm very interested in health and
13:01
Speaker 1: well being. However, I don't have any formal education or
13:04
Speaker 1: experience in that field, and it's such a broad industry
13:07
Speaker 1: that I just don't know which direction could make sense
13:09
Speaker 1: for me. I feel like I might need a break
13:11
Speaker 1: or a change, but I'm sure how to take the
13:13
Speaker 1: first step without just running away from my current life.
13:17
Speaker 2: If you have any.
13:18
Speaker 1: Advice, perspectives, or even questions that could help me reflect
13:21
Speaker 1: differently on my situation, I would truly appreciate it. Thank
13:23
Speaker 1: you for your work, and I truly admire you and
13:25
Speaker 1: your work.
13:26
Speaker 2: You're a legend. Thank you.
13:27
Speaker 1: Okay, great, great question, by the way, Love it so
13:31
Speaker 1: I've got some notes that I wrote down because I've
13:33
Speaker 1: read this before, and I put some little notes down.
13:36
Speaker 1: So the first thing is with this idea of travel,
13:41
Speaker 1: I get it. Travel is not because there's a difference
13:44
Speaker 1: between wanting change in your life and wanting adventure, big difference.
13:49
Speaker 1: And this is where I think a lot of people
13:50
Speaker 1: get caught up. They're like, I want change.
13:51
Speaker 2: I won't change. I want change.
13:52
Speaker 1: They go on a temporary trip that's adventure, which we
13:55
Speaker 1: need important. But you got on that trip and then
13:58
Speaker 1: you come back and it's all the same, and you're like,
13:59
Speaker 1: a fuck, I was looking for change. I spent all
14:01
Speaker 1: this money, I did this thing. It was mind blowing.
14:03
Speaker 1: But now I'm back and it's the same thing. Okay,
14:05
Speaker 1: So we've got to understand when is it that we're
14:07
Speaker 1: doing something for our need for something novel and adventurous
14:11
Speaker 1: in our life, which I think is a need for
14:13
Speaker 1: absolutely everyone.
14:13
Speaker 2: But it looks different for everyone. And what does change
14:17
Speaker 2: look like?
14:17
Speaker 1: So first you got to ask yourself when I talk
14:19
Speaker 1: about change, do I actually need.
14:20
Speaker 2: To move cities?
14:21
Speaker 1: And you might be a fucking yes, give me the
14:23
Speaker 1: fuck out of here. Love it so much, love my family,
14:25
Speaker 1: But I'm done.
14:26
Speaker 2: Okay.
14:27
Speaker 1: You might have this overwhelming feeling when I say that
14:29
Speaker 1: question and you know exactly the answer.
14:31
Speaker 2: Do I need to move overseas? Do I just want
14:34
Speaker 2: to move cities?
14:35
Speaker 3: Like?
14:35
Speaker 1: What does that look like? And then is it you
14:38
Speaker 1: want change? I don't think you're looking for adventure. You
14:40
Speaker 1: are looking for change. You are feeling unsatisfied in your life.
14:43
Speaker 1: And this level of dissatisfaction is a really good alarm
14:46
Speaker 1: bell to tell us we need to shake things up.
14:48
Speaker 1: I need to feel passionate about something. The next question
14:51
Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself. Do I want to
14:53
Speaker 1: feel passionate about something? And it has to be my vocation,
14:56
Speaker 1: Like I need to have it as my job and
14:58
Speaker 1: make money.
14:59
Speaker 2: Can I have a that lives alongside my career.
15:02
Speaker 1: Does my career provide me with such a good life
15:05
Speaker 1: that the thought of letting go of that and maybe
15:07
Speaker 1: potentially taking a significant pay cut at least initially freaks
15:11
Speaker 1: me out?
15:12
Speaker 2: Or it's not something I even want, Like, so start
15:14
Speaker 2: looking into that, because passion doesn't have to be your career.
15:18
Speaker 2: But you might be like, no, I get that, but
15:19
Speaker 2: I want my career to be my passion.
15:21
Speaker 1: I don't want to work anymore in a place that
15:23
Speaker 1: I'm not passionate about. Fine, okay, So but again, questions, questions, questions,
15:27
Speaker 1: do some investigation work, do some investigation work. What I do,
15:31
Speaker 1: very very highly recommend is that you really look into
15:33
Speaker 1: this health and wellness thing because you found something that
15:35
Speaker 1: piques your interest.
15:36
Speaker 2: Okay. What I would do is I would grab a
15:39
Speaker 2: piece of paper and a pen. Love that.
15:40
Speaker 1: I mean, you can type it out, but I love
15:42
Speaker 1: a paper and a pen and start writing down ideas
15:46
Speaker 1: of all the potential jobs within that field or industry
15:50
Speaker 1: that would align with you as an individual. So I
15:53
Speaker 1: use someone really social, and you would feel very fulfilled
15:56
Speaker 1: working in a job that it's person facing, dealing with
15:59
Speaker 1: client science, social, all of the above. Do you prefer
16:02
Speaker 1: to be employed or do you want to work for yourself?
16:06
Speaker 1: Do you like the freed of working for yourself and
16:07
Speaker 1: you're okay with the pressure of having to get all
16:10
Speaker 1: these clients and paying X amount of money before you
16:13
Speaker 1: can comfortably, you know, have the financial lifestyle that you
16:16
Speaker 1: want to have, or do you prefer to walk into.
16:18
Speaker 2: A salary situation.
16:19
Speaker 1: There's all these things that I want you to have,
16:22
Speaker 1: and even for people that don't love working for themselves,
16:24
Speaker 1: They're obviously weigh it up. It's like, well, I might
16:26
Speaker 1: not love this aspect, but I really love what this
16:28
Speaker 1: aspect gives me, so overall it's okay. So you don't
16:31
Speaker 1: also have to love every single aspect of it, but
16:33
Speaker 1: I think it's important to look at the ones that
16:36
Speaker 1: kind of marry well with the kind of person that
16:38
Speaker 1: you are. So when I spoke about like when I
16:41
Speaker 1: was looking at the things that I'd be passionate about,
16:43
Speaker 1: I used to think that maybe I'd do a career
16:45
Speaker 1: just in research in a lab. But then I thought,
16:47
Speaker 1: I'm really really social. Is this going to work for
16:50
Speaker 1: the kind of person I am? Or am I going
16:51
Speaker 1: to feel, you know, like I'm not fulfilled because I'm
16:55
Speaker 1: not getting that social interaction or whatever, you know what
16:57
Speaker 1: I mean. Like, there's there's there's certain things that no
16:59
Speaker 1: matter how interested you are, it could just be an
17:02
Speaker 1: interest or it could be a passion something that you
17:04
Speaker 1: do other than something you learn about or you know,
17:07
Speaker 1: dabble into.
17:08
Speaker 2: There's a difference. So when you do that pick kind
17:11
Speaker 2: of once you've written.
17:12
Speaker 1: That whole list and the ones that actually align with you,
17:14
Speaker 1: then I want you to pick kind of the top three,
17:16
Speaker 1: and then I want you to either speak to someone
17:19
Speaker 1: that actually has that job, follow someone who has that job,
17:23
Speaker 1: who's on social media that talks about having that job,
17:25
Speaker 1: just to like the surface level research into it. And
17:28
Speaker 1: what the reason I say surface level is because you
17:30
Speaker 1: don't want to pyck yourself out of anything.
17:32
Speaker 2: The aim is to actually want to do it.
17:34
Speaker 1: You don't want to be like, oh, but then this,
17:35
Speaker 1: and then just kind of look at like an.
17:38
Speaker 2: Overview of what that could look like. Is it a
17:40
Speaker 2: personal trainer? Is it someone like who's the whatever it is?
17:43
Speaker 1: Then another thing you want to ask yourself, which is
17:45
Speaker 1: kind of tying into what I said before, is is
17:47
Speaker 1: this something that I want to do on the side
17:48
Speaker 1: or is it something.
17:49
Speaker 2: To replace my job? Okay?
17:51
Speaker 1: And then another thing is if I did something that
17:55
Speaker 1: I found my passion. Let's say you found your passion
17:57
Speaker 1: and you were like, this is the be all end
17:58
Speaker 1: or for me, I finally found that thing. The more
18:00
Speaker 1: I dig into it, the more I want to do it.
18:02
Speaker 1: I'm obsessed. Would you still want to leave where you're living?
18:07
Speaker 1: And it's hard to know because you might not be
18:09
Speaker 1: able to answer that question until you're there. But if
18:12
Speaker 1: you think, no, it's a combination. I need to fucking
18:13
Speaker 1: get the fuck out of here and I need to
18:15
Speaker 1: find my passion. Then you might as well do both
18:17
Speaker 1: at the same time. No point setting yourself up in
18:19
Speaker 1: a new career and putting all the hard yards and
18:21
Speaker 1: everything to then uproot and lift and go somewhere else.
18:24
Speaker 1: If you're going to start a brand new career where
18:26
Speaker 1: you potentially need.
18:27
Speaker 2: Clients and this and that, you might as well do
18:28
Speaker 2: it all in one go.
18:29
Speaker 1: So what I'm trying to say here is that I
18:31
Speaker 1: think you should lean into the wellness thing because that's
18:33
Speaker 1: the one thing where you have like, actually, what's piqued
18:35
Speaker 1: your interest? And then I want you to start taking
18:39
Speaker 1: action on one of the things. And the beauty is
18:41
Speaker 1: that even if you don't get your answer, Let's say
18:45
Speaker 1: you start doing that thing and you're like, oh, this
18:49
Speaker 1: is not it for me.
18:49
Speaker 2: I'm not fucking loving it. You have not wasted time.
18:52
Speaker 2: You've been able to answer that question for you.
18:55
Speaker 1: That was a road I tried to go down, and
18:57
Speaker 1: I realized, wait a minute, there's actually so many things
18:59
Speaker 1: that not right for me for reason ABC and D, And.
19:03
Speaker 2: Therefore closing that door saves you. So much energy time.
19:08
Speaker 1: What if this that so it's actually very very beneficial
19:11
Speaker 1: and then you can move on to the next thing
19:12
Speaker 1: that you might have an interest in. But you've got
19:13
Speaker 1: an interest here, I think you need to explore it.
19:16
Speaker 2: All right, next question, since.
19:26
Speaker 1: Since all right, third and last question, This one is
19:30
Speaker 1: good relationship, wrong life.
19:32
Speaker 2: Hi Lexis girl.
19:33
Speaker 1: Thanks to you, I'm finally consistently showing up for myself
19:37
Speaker 1: in the gym. Thanks so much for doing what you do,
19:40
Speaker 1: obsessed and congratulations. Now for my complex question. I'm a
19:43
Speaker 1: twenty eight year old Dutch woman who moved to Spain
19:45
Speaker 1: three years ago with a Spanish partner. We're in a
19:48
Speaker 1: long term, stable and loving relationship, but I've gradually lost
19:51
Speaker 1: touch with who I am and what I want. I
19:54
Speaker 1: feel like the life I'm living here in Spain and
19:56
Speaker 1: the future we're building doesn't quite feel like mine anymore.
20:00
Speaker 1: A future together should feel exciting, right, but it makes
20:02
Speaker 1: me feel anxious and like I'm giving up my freedom.
20:05
Speaker 1: I find myself drawn back to my home city, where
20:07
Speaker 1: my family and closest friends are and where I feel
20:10
Speaker 1: most like myself lately, especially when I'm visiting by myself. Also,
20:14
Speaker 1: the idea of going back with my partner feels a
20:16
Speaker 1: lot less exciting than going back alone, and I'm not
20:20
Speaker 1: sure what to do with that feeling. We lived in
20:22
Speaker 1: my country in the past and it just wasn't for him,
20:25
Speaker 1: so I don't think that would be an option. At
20:26
Speaker 1: the same time, there's someone special from my past who
20:29
Speaker 1: has recently re entered my life emotionally and one hundred
20:32
Speaker 1: percent digitally. He's been in my life since I was fourteen.
20:36
Speaker 2: We've always had a.
20:37
Speaker 1: Strong thing for each other, but the timing was never right,
20:39
Speaker 1: so it stayed friendly. The past year, when my doubts started,
20:42
Speaker 1: we admitted our feelings for each other despite both being
20:45
Speaker 1: in long term relationships. I know that our connection is
20:48
Speaker 1: partly fantasy, but I keep wondering what if if, and
20:51
Speaker 1: it's made me realize how much I want to be
20:53
Speaker 1: free and independent. So the future remains undecided. My question is,
20:58
Speaker 1: when you're in a good relationship you feel like you've
21:00
Speaker 1: lost yourself inside and fall for someone else, how do
21:03
Speaker 1: you figure out whether the relationship is the problem or
21:05
Speaker 1: whether you're self sabotaging and the real work is internal?
21:09
Speaker 1: How can I find answers without destroying everything my partner
21:12
Speaker 1: and I built he deserves someone who's sure about him too.
21:15
Speaker 2: We'll just us from Spain.
21:18
Speaker 1: Now, let's first look at what's going on with this
21:21
Speaker 1: flame on the side, This you know, exciting thing where
21:25
Speaker 1: you've reconnected with this person and you know you've got
21:27
Speaker 1: feelings for this person. What does this represent because I'm
21:33
Speaker 1: not going to reprimand you on oh your shure and
21:35
Speaker 1: this and that other fucking you.
21:37
Speaker 2: Know, what's this representing for you? Is it an escape
21:40
Speaker 2: of your reality?
21:43
Speaker 1: Kind of what I was speaking about in the first
21:44
Speaker 1: question that I answered around you know, when you're actually
21:48
Speaker 1: in a relationship and when you're all out in the
21:50
Speaker 1: open and whatever, you know, would it actually be good?
21:52
Speaker 1: Or is the chemistry just so intense because it's secret
21:55
Speaker 1: of because like maybe you're just chatting and it's exciting
21:57
Speaker 1: it whatever. So is he representing like someone that you're like, I.
22:01
Speaker 2: Think I'm in love with someone else?
22:02
Speaker 1: Or is it this person represents an escape and I'm
22:05
Speaker 1: feeling unsatisfied with my life and this is the one
22:08
Speaker 1: thing that I can kind of lean into and feel like,
22:11
Speaker 1: oh my god, I fully escape into another world when
22:13
Speaker 1: I'm messaging this guy. But in the real world, in reality,
22:17
Speaker 1: is a relationship actually on the table here, and if
22:20
Speaker 1: it even is, is this what I want?
22:22
Speaker 2: And what would that life look like? Do I even
22:24
Speaker 2: want a relationship? Is he just representing the fact that you've.
22:29
Speaker 1: Become aware that you're no longer in love with your partner,
22:32
Speaker 1: and it's making you realize whether I did anything with
22:34
Speaker 1: this new guy or not is irrelevant. It's just made
22:38
Speaker 1: me realize that the feelings I thought I had for
22:40
Speaker 1: my partner.
22:40
Speaker 2: Are no longer there.
22:41
Speaker 1: Maybe I just really respect him and I like the
22:43
Speaker 1: life we built, but I just don't feel that way
22:45
Speaker 1: emotionally towards him. Right, So it's really important to really
22:50
Speaker 1: ask yourself these questions.
22:51
Speaker 2: Of what is this telling me?
22:53
Speaker 1: What is the significance behind this flame coming up, this
22:57
Speaker 1: old flame or whatever you want to look.
22:58
Speaker 2: At in my life? Okay?
23:00
Speaker 1: Another thing that I want you to ask, is this
23:04
Speaker 1: a case of the grass is green or on the
23:06
Speaker 1: other side situation?
23:08
Speaker 2: Because and how do you know that?
23:10
Speaker 1: Right?
23:10
Speaker 2: How do you know it?
23:11
Speaker 1: And the best way to know it is have I
23:12
Speaker 1: warded the grass enough on my side?
23:15
Speaker 2: Okay?
23:15
Speaker 1: And if I've warded the grass enough on my side
23:17
Speaker 1: and it's just not fucking greener, it's not meant to be,
23:20
Speaker 1: and I've done what I can do, but until you've
23:23
Speaker 1: really been able to look and it doesn't have to
23:25
Speaker 1: be now.
23:25
Speaker 2: Maybe you've already done it in the past.
23:27
Speaker 1: But the point is, and it doesn't have to be now.
23:29
Speaker 1: I'm not saying stop everything. You've got to pour everything,
23:32
Speaker 1: your heart and soul into this relationship because you might
23:34
Speaker 1: have already done that. It's not saying that no matter
23:36
Speaker 1: what you've done, trying again.
23:38
Speaker 2: You know the answer?
23:39
Speaker 1: You could say, you know what, I feel like, I've
23:42
Speaker 1: let things slip away, I'm mentally tapped out.
23:45
Speaker 2: I've done this, I've done that.
23:46
Speaker 1: Are there things I could do that could reignoe my
23:49
Speaker 1: excitement in this relationship? Or at the very least that
23:52
Speaker 1: I know I've left no stone unturned, so I don't
23:55
Speaker 1: end up like the end of the question where you're like,
23:56
Speaker 1: am I throwing something away? Am I doing something that
23:59
Speaker 1: you know maybe I'm going to regrets later down the line.
24:01
Speaker 1: You know, if you exhaust everything, and if you really
24:04
Speaker 1: give it your all and it's still not right, then
24:06
Speaker 1: even if it's a shame, even if it makes you sad,
24:08
Speaker 1: even if you've been like I wish that had worked
24:10
Speaker 1: but it couldn't. At least you don't have regrets un
24:12
Speaker 1: less you don't think, oh my god, I had my
24:15
Speaker 1: head not in the game, somewhere else, and then years
24:18
Speaker 1: later you looked back down the line and say, Wow,
24:21
Speaker 1: maybe if I had tried differently or been more grateful
24:25
Speaker 1: for him or whatever.
24:26
Speaker 2: So only you know the answer, but you might have
24:29
Speaker 2: already done that. You might have already put in the effort.
24:31
Speaker 2: You've moved countries to be with him. Maybe you've really.
24:34
Speaker 1: Tried to feel said with them. Maybe you've tried to
24:35
Speaker 1: make your friendship connection work. Maybe you've had had friends
24:38
Speaker 1: but it's not the same.
24:39
Speaker 2: Or the world. I don't know. Only you know the
24:40
Speaker 2: answer to that.
24:41
Speaker 3: And if you've exhausted all possibilities and you still feel
24:44
Speaker 3: this way, and you still feel isolated, and you've got
24:45
Speaker 3: this deep desire to be home, and you've got this
24:50
Speaker 3: other example of the fact that you are capable of
24:53
Speaker 3: having romantic feelings for someone else.
24:54
Speaker 2: So it's not like I only.
24:56
Speaker 1: Have my heart with him and I'm completely torn do things.
25:00
Speaker 1: It's the life and this other person. So it does
25:03
Speaker 1: feel like there's enough indicators saying you're kind of not there,
25:07
Speaker 1: you're kind of tapping out. What I don't want you
25:09
Speaker 1: to do is rush into this decision. Now, you can
25:11
Speaker 1: make this decision in a short amount of time. But
25:14
Speaker 1: when you think, oh, this is exciting, this person's exciting,
25:16
Speaker 1: I can go back home. I can slop back into
25:17
Speaker 1: my old life. Because remember, once you get home, it's
25:20
Speaker 1: going to feel like the old days very very quickly.
25:22
Speaker 1: Things don't change that much and you're going to go
25:25
Speaker 1: back to the monotony.
25:25
Speaker 2: Of life very quickly. Are you happy with that?
25:28
Speaker 1: Because I might say that, and you might have this
25:30
Speaker 1: instant's sense of relief being like, that's what I want.
25:33
Speaker 1: I just want that, Like I just want to go
25:34
Speaker 1: back to my old kind of life. Because the common
25:36
Speaker 1: denominator is you. So you are taking yourself from each place.
25:41
Speaker 1: So if you're happy with who you are but being
25:43
Speaker 1: home with your friends, your family, your networks, and that's
25:45
Speaker 1: where you really thrive and shine and the potential and
25:47
Speaker 1: you relate, then do it.
25:48
Speaker 2: Then fucking do it. What are we waiting for?
25:50
Speaker 1: But if you think that this relationship really is kind
25:55
Speaker 1: of like a once in a lifetime relationship and you're
25:57
Speaker 1: really worried that you're going to regret leaving it, then
25:59
Speaker 1: I would encourage you to do this one final like,
26:02
Speaker 1: how can I see if the grass is greiner on
26:05
Speaker 1: this side, what are the things that I can do?
26:07
Speaker 1: And if they thought of even putting in more effort
26:09
Speaker 1: into makes you're like, oh, dread, then I think you've
26:12
Speaker 1: got the answer. But if there's a part of you
26:13
Speaker 1: that say, nah, I really want to try and resurrect this,
26:15
Speaker 1: I'm going to give it my all, one last shot,
26:17
Speaker 1: and I'm going to give it, like if you can
26:19
Speaker 1: even have that timeframe, three months, five months, whatever the timeframe,
26:23
Speaker 1: I'm going to pretend that this is my dream life,
26:25
Speaker 1: the love of my life, and see if I can,
26:27
Speaker 1: you know, make something to look forward.
26:30
Speaker 2: To every day. I'm going to romanticize my life here
26:32
Speaker 2: in Spain. It's going to be the life that I
26:34
Speaker 2: always dreamed of, and I'm going to do whatever. And
26:36
Speaker 2: then if you've just.
26:37
Speaker 1: Work your ass of doing that and still doesn't click,
26:40
Speaker 1: then you've got your answer.
26:41
Speaker 2: You'll be happy with it.
26:42
Speaker 1: So I think with everything I've just told you, I
26:46
Speaker 1: think already you know the answer because I've made you
26:49
Speaker 1: think of all these different scenarios. I made you put
26:52
Speaker 1: yourself in the shoes of what if this happened, what
26:53
Speaker 1: if that happened, What if this, and what if that?
26:55
Speaker 1: And instinctively you're going to know what's sat right and
26:58
Speaker 1: what just felt wrong in in your gut. Okay, so yeah,
27:02
Speaker 1: you know the answer or you're very inclined to an
27:05
Speaker 1: answer right now. You're sitting here right now not in
27:07
Speaker 1: being like, yes, I know what I'm going to do.
27:09
Speaker 2: So I'm excited for you also. So that's my answer
27:13
Speaker 2: to your question, but also to everyone.
27:15
Speaker 1: I love it when you guys do message me with
27:18
Speaker 1: an update on how your journey has progressed, whether you
27:21
Speaker 1: took my advice where you like, no, she was fucking wrong,
27:23
Speaker 1: but I did something regardless and taking my advice or not,
27:26
Speaker 1: or even if I said something and you thought, oh
27:29
Speaker 1: I don't agree with that, but she's made me think
27:31
Speaker 1: of this and then I did this.
27:32
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter.
27:32
Speaker 1: I love hearing an update on your life and what
27:35
Speaker 1: you ended up doing and how that ended up changing
27:38
Speaker 1: things and was it for the good, was it for
27:39
Speaker 1: the bad?
27:40
Speaker 2: Did it make you more resilient? What was the outcome?
27:42
Speaker 1: So if you do have any updates on questions that
27:45
Speaker 1: you've asked in the past that I've answered. Please write
27:48
Speaker 1: in with an update because I think it'd be so
27:50
Speaker 1: cool to do an episode on head Noise updates where.
27:53
Speaker 2: Are they Now? Where are they Now?
27:55
Speaker 1: And we do yeah a bit off a rerun into
27:57
Speaker 1: that. That would be fucking awesome can you imagine? So yeah,
27:59
Speaker 1: please please do.
28:01
Speaker 2: That is all for today's episode.
28:04
Speaker 1: That was the three Questions, right yeah, okay, guys, thank
28:06
Speaker 1: you so much for tuning in and listening.
28:08
Speaker 2: As always, remember you can't to yourself. You can't your brain.
28:11
Speaker 2: Don't text it from anyone, and especially don't text it
28:13
Speaker 2: from yourself. Don't ca