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Searching For The One May Be Keeping You Single · The Love Lab Podcast: Sex | Love | Relationship

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  Kevin Anthony 0:05 Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, the place to be for honest and real talk about relationships and sex. Whether you're a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to help you have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life.
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  Kevin Anthony 0:26 All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 420, and it is titled "Searching for the One May Be Keeping You Single. I've talked about this a few times here and there in podcasts and in some YouTube videos. This idea of searching for the one, and whenever I'm talking about it, I'm usually talking about it from a slightly negative perspective because I've just watched so many people over the years sabotage themselves because they have some idea in their mind of what the one is, and because they can't let go of that idea, they miss all these amazing people that come through their lives because they just can't let go of it.
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  Kevin Anthony 1:10 So I've also seen people who believe they're in a relationship with the one, but it's an absolutely dysfunctional relationship where they are torturing each other and just going through all kinds of struggles and challenges and things that they probably could avoid if they just realized they weren't really a good match for each other. But they swear this is the one. So it's always a good conversation to have to kind of dive into what does it really mean to have the one, and you know, is this something we should even be looking for? And if so, what does that look like? And just to help people make better choices when it comes to finding a partner. So that's what we're going to talk about in today's show. If you're watching on YouTube, you can see I have a guest with us today. She's going to help us unpack this. I will introduce her in just a moment,
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  Kevin Anthony 2:04 But first, a short ad from my sponsor. Are you ready to build deeper intimacy and a more passionate relationship? I hope so. Introducing Intimacy Mastery, the sex, love, and intimacy app for singles and couples. Your personal guide to mastering love, sex, and connection. Get a personalized plan tailored to your unique relationship goals. Enjoy daily lessons, real-world challenges, and guided reflections. All designed by me, Kevin Anthony, your trusted guide and coach. Track your growth, celebrate your wins, and get expert feedback every step of the way. Access exclusive resources, videos, and proven tools right at your fingertips. Whether you're single or partnered, this app will help you create the love life you truly desire. The app is available right now at kevinathonycoaching.com/go/app. That's kevinathonycoaching.com/go/app. By the way, if you're out there trying to find the one, you really need to be on this app because this app is going to teach you a bunch of things that you need to know to make good decisions and have a good relationship before you get into a relationship and screw it all up. So go check that out.
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  Kevin Anthony 3:18 Okay, my guest today is Simone Milasas, and she is a best-selling author, international speaker, and relationship innovator known for her refreshingly honest and unconventional approach to love, intimacy, and life. For over two decades, she has facilitated classes around the world, empowering people to move beyond expectations, judgment, and dependency to create relationships based on choice, freedom, and true connection. She's the author of Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One, Joy of Business, and Getting Out of Debt Joyfully, and the creator of the Intimate Play for Lovers card deck. Welcome to the show, Simone.
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  Simone Milasas 3:19 Thank you so much for having me here, Kevin.
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  Kevin Anthony 3:23 All right, we're gonna we're gonna dive right in with this idea of searching for the one. When people say that they're looking for the one, what do they really mean?
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  Simone Milasas 4:12 You know, it was interesting as I was listening to you give the introduction. It reminded me of a restaurant that I went to in Russia, in Moscow, and I think a lot of people, when they're searching for the one, they have an image, right? And this restaurant I went to in Moscow was run by blind people. It was pure darkness, right? So there were, like, I think eight of us, and before you went in, you had to put your hand on the person's shoulder in front. They would walk you in, absolutely. Like, your hand in front of you; you couldn't see a thing. And it was with seven of my friends, so there were eight of us. And it was immediately I was like, "Can I leave if I don't want to be here? Like, it was like, you know, freaking me out a little bit, and because your food's in front of you, your dreams. Everything, but Kevin, it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever done. Eight of us sat there, and we had some really great conversations, but we couldn't see each other.
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  Simone Milasas 5:09 And I noticed how, at one moment, you know, I was quiet, and I had, you know, two friends on either side, and they sort of leaned in and went, "Are you good? I went, "Yeah, I'm just listening. And I realized that when we didn't have to look at each other, it was such a different energy. And I would highly recommend that if anyone gets a chance to do something like that, they do it, because I think when people look for the one, they get very caught up in an image. As an example, I have a friend of mine in Australia, and she's six foot one. She lives on the Sunshine Coast, which is where I live. It's a smaller town, but she doesn't want to date anyone shorter than her. I'm like, you've really limited what this looks like. If you're six foot one and now you want someone over that, and then there's a whole lot of other criteria that you desire.
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  Simone Milasas 6:00 So, as you mentioned, if we stop, like, defining what we're looking for and, for me, actually address the energy of what we would like. Like, hey, I'd like someone who's, I don't know, fun in bed. I'd like someone who is kind and caring, etc., or nurturing or funny, makes me laugh. Like these things, rather than actually having a look at the image, because there are so many things that go into that. Whether it's, like, you know, age, what they look like, the amount of money in their bank account- like all of these different things- rather than just being with the energy of what somebody is when they walk into, you know, your space. It's like, do they make you smile?
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  Kevin Anthony 6:43 Yeah, I completely agree, and I think where a lot of people go wrong is that they create this whole list of criteria, and usually a lot of it is even superficial stuff. You know, like, in other words, it's not the kind of stuff that creates a long-term, lasting, successful relationship. It's like he needs to be six foot one. Or I told this story. Actually, I can't remember if it was last week's podcast or the week before, but quite a while back. I don't know. Somehow on social media, I saw this clip of this show, and it was another podcast, and it was a male host. I don't remember the name of it. Otherwise, I'd give him a quick shout-out. But he had all these women. I think it was about six women, three on each side of the table, right?
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  Kevin Anthony 7:26 And they're all young and beautiful, and you know, he was asking them specifically, you know, what characteristics a man you would date has to have, and they were all outrageous; like, every one of them was over six feet tall. Had to make a certain six-figure salary. Had to drive a certain kind of car. Had to meet all these criteria. And so then, after he let them all share what they're looking for, and they were all similar variations of each other, he read the actual statistics about how many men are actually over that. How many men actually make more than that? And showed them all that they were looking for, like a 1% guy, a
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  Simone Milasas 8:09 A unicorn, basically.
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  Kevin Anthony 8:11 Unicorn, basically, right? Yeah. So I mean that that's definitely part of it. You know, creating these unrealistic expectations, and then basing it on things that aren't the things that make a true, lasting relationship, which we can get into a little bit more as far as, like, you know, what should they really be looking for? But just to sort of follow up on what you said, I think it is a good idea to go more with, like, how do you feel about the person? How do they treat you? Do they make you laugh? Do they make you smile? Do you look forward to seeing them? Like those types of things, rather than specifically, you know, what they look like, how much money they make, what kind of car they drive, that sort of thing.
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  Simone Milasas 8:52 Yeah. I do think you know, and I mentioned kindness, and I said that, and because I would, about 12 years ago, I remember distinctly asking, "I would like more kind people to show up in my life, but I had some stuff go on about 12 years ago that I sort of required to have people around me who were kind, and I know we ask for that, but there's also a really interesting thing too, Kevin. Not that many people are willing to receive it. As you mentioned, I see so many people in relationships, and they're trying to control each other. I mean, I see a lot of women trying to, you know, train the man they're with. Can you make him do this? Can you make him change that? And I'm always like, hey, if you want to train something, get a puppy, not a man. Like, what if you could let the man be the man and let the woman be the woman too? Like, how they show up is how they show up.
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  Simone Milasas 9:46 And it was many, many years ago, and I remember I was living in California, and a friend of mine said to me, I was sort of, you know, met this guy, and he said to me, "You should have sex with this guy because you're going to find out what." Like, to sleep with someone who's kind, right? And I was like, "Huh, and it was such an interesting conversation. So I did. I did my homework, and then the next morning was really interesting, Kevin, because I hadn't surrounded myself with men who were kind. I had surrounded myself with men who judged me and my body because I had those judgments, and then when I met them, and if they had the same judgments, it would justify my judgments, and that's what I see as a very common occurrence. And the next morning, I woke up, and this guy was so sweet and so kind, and I went, "Can you just hang on a second? I've got to go do something. And I went down the street, and I called my friend, and I said, "You have to help me. And he goes, "Why? And I went, "I want to kill him. He's so kind.
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  Simone Milasas 10:47 And Kevin, I was so grateful. I will always be grateful for this guy because I had to look at this and go, "Wow, I want to kill this guy because he's so kind. So I had to look at. I have not been willing to receive kindness. I was only willing to receive judgment, maybe even a little bit mean, like all of this, because somewhere in my world I could control that, whereas kindness was so out of control. So I want to just sort of state that because a lot of people go, "Oh, I'd like someone who's kind, caring, and nurturing, and it's like, "Do you? Are you actually able to receive that? So I think we also have to look at what we're like willing to receive. And I wonder, Kevin, how many of these, you know, the women that you were talking about and saying I want this much and this much money and blah blah blah and all this sort of stuff. Is it so that someone doesn't show up, but they can talk about it, but they don't actually have to put the effort in and work on a relationship because a relationship is work? It's not something that shows up and is like, " Hey, it's like no, it's a full-time job if you're in a relationship. So I wonder, do they actually- would they really like a relationship? Would they just want to talk about it?
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  Kevin Anthony 12:00 Well, that's a good question. We would have to ask them that, but you know, I mean, in that particular scenario, they were all very young too, and I think they just didn't have any idea what it meant to have a real relationship, and so they're focusing totally on external factors. But I want to get back to something else that you just said a moment ago, which was, you know, this idea of the things that you say that you want. So let's just say you have your list of things, whether they're good or bad. The things that you say you want, are they actually the things that you really want? And now it could be because, you know, you say you want it, but you're not really open to receiving it. That's a possibility. But another thing is, like, think about you were saying that, you know, in your case it related to something like an insecurity that you had, right? And so you were looking for something that matched sort of your pattern and where you were at.
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  Kevin Anthony 12:57 But I guess what I really want to say here is like anybody that's listening to this. I think the thing to learn from what Simone just shared is that you've got to really ask yourself some honest questions when you have your list of the things that you say you want in a partner. Is it really true? Right? Are these the things that you really actually are looking for? Because it could just be that some of those things are just what you're used to. It could be that some of those things are just, you know what somebody else told you you should want, right? Society or image or whatever. When it comes to, you know, cars, money, height, whatever, it could be all kinds of reasons that are telling you that this is what you should be looking for, but maybe it's actually not. And I would say too that if you've had that same list for a while and you've dated a bunch of people that fit that list, and it ain't working out, that might be a clue that what's on your list isn't quite the right stuff.
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  Simone Milasas 13:58 You know, I'm just putting it together. I don't have this out yet, but I'm putting together a class that I'm going to launch in India next year, called Living Done Different, and it started in 2020. I came home after, you know, I was in Europe, and the crazy was like, what the hell's going on? I started to question everything in my life, and I didn't talk to anybody else, and I think this is pretty key because, as you said, Kevin, we tend to look at what other people are choosing and use that as a reference rather than what actually works for you. So I sat down, and I'd broken up a long-term relationship, and I went, okay, what would I like here?
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  Simone Milasas 14:35 And so I wrote down these different topics, and I had relationship, sex, business, money, my body-like, what would I like to create with that? And geographical. For me, these were the topics that worked for me because I was like, do I actually want to live in Australia, or would I like to create something different? Was over there, and a lot of people put business and money and just lump that together, and a lot of people do the same with relationships and. And when I broke up this long-term relationship, everyone was like, "Oh, are you going to get another relationship? And I was like, "Wow, is that what people go to? And I started to look at it, and I went, "Well, I don't know.
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  Simone Milasas 15:12 And I was like, "I like sex. Okay, so let's look at this. So what could I create with sex? And do I actually want another long-term relationship? And I remember I have this beautiful bathroom that my ex actually created, but it has the, you know his and her sinks, and in one of the sinks I'd put all my makeup in there because it was much easier for me to put makeup on in the sink, and my PR agent saw it and she, like, saw this video or photo, and she's like Oh my God, you can't do that and I said, " Why? " and she said, " Because you're not going to invite another man into your life because you're using that sink. And I went, " You know what? I actually don't, not really looking for someone else to share my bathroom. I have another bathroom. They can use that, you know. But it was such an interesting conversation because she immediately went to, oh, you're not inviting this in, and I was like, yeah, I'm not looking to show my bathroom anymore. Actually, to be honest, it's really nice having a bathroom that's just mine. They can use the one down there. Like, the house is pretty big, you know.
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  Simone Milasas 16:10 So again, I started looking at what I would like, and for me personally, I don't really like. I don't want to sleep in a bed with somebody every night. That, you know, I like sleeping in a bed a few times a week or something like that. But I'm not looking to live with someone at the moment. I'm not. I don't know if I'd ever choose that again. I really enjoy being on my own, but I enjoy having, say, a lover, but not having that. What are we doing for dinner tonight? Like, I think you really need to question what that is for you. If there were no reference point, if you were not looking at anybody else, how many nights do you want to sleep with them? How many hours a day do you want to spend with them? Like, what parts of your life do you want to share? You know, do you do sports? Like, if you, I don't know, you like horse riding or something like that. Do you need to go horse riding with someone, or do you actually like horse riding on your own or with friends, etc. Like, or going out to dinner. We tend to put everything in this one basket and go. I want one person for all of this, and I think we live in a time right now that we can choose something really different, and it doesn't have to be that necessity that everything's in one basket. We can receive from multiple people for multiple different, you know, things.
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  Kevin Anthony 17:26 Yeah, and I totally agree with that. I think you know it's this idea of, you know, creating your life, right? Creating it the way that you want it versus creating it the way that other people have told you you should create it, right? And I think, you know, that's one of the there's a series of things that I sort of call like master skills in life, right? And one of them is being able to let go of all the pressures and expectations of family and society and all of that, right? The things that guide most people's lives, and figuring out what you want, what works for you, and so relationships are no different. You can actually design the relationship style that works for you, and I think that's maybe one of the biggest things that's really come up in the last few years, especially with the rise in younger people with things like polyamory and open relationships and stuff like that, where people are starting to realize, like, I actually have some choices and some options here. I can, you know, choose to make it the way that I want it.
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  Kevin Anthony 18:28 The tricky thing, though, I think that comes in is again, then we're coming back to this idea of asking yourself those difficult questions because, you know, on the one hand, if we're talking relationship styles, right? Forever was monogamy, get married, have kids. Like, that was pretty much your only option, right? Now, especially with the younger generations, there are a lot more options, but some of that is also pressure, right? So you're seeing a lot of young people go into alternative relationship styles when that's not necessarily what they want either, right? So somewhere, the balance needs to be what works for you. Now you've got the options. Figure out what works best for you, and that does, as we said before, require asking yourself some really honest questions, some difficult questions, and being really honest with yourself.
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  Simone Milasas 19:21 Yeah, I agree. Being brutally honest and being vulnerable with yourself. I have a 22-year-old niece, and you know I've had many conversations with her. And yeah, one of the things she said was, if any of her friends actually wanted to get married and have kids, like what I grew up with, it's not on the table anymore. It's it's it's not as available. Like, that's not what they're looking for. So it's. But if you did desire it, it's, yeah. So yeah, I think it's a constant state of being in question.
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  Kevin Anthony 19:51 Yeah, and the crazy thing about that, because I've heard that a lot in the younger generations, is that they think that idea comes from them. They think that. That idea is like, well, we're so much more advanced than our, you know, parents or grandparents were, and now we get to do all this, and it's like, you have no idea that idea has actually been programmed into you for a reason. But that's a whole other topic for a whole other day. But you know what? That does kind of lead to, and we don't necessarily have to talk about specifically, that. But there are a lot of different expectations that come up that, you know, people start to follow when it comes to looking for the one, and they can come from a lot of different places. What's your take on where some of these expectations come from?
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  Simone Milasas 20:42 I think it's. I think it can be generational a little bit, as you said. I mean, I remember being at a family-like, friend party many, many, many years ago, and I had just come back from overseas, and I was super happy, Kevin. I'd spent three years traveling. I was thinking I needed to do another job that I could, you know, make some more money and keep traveling. Like, I just wanted to see more of the world, and I overheard my mother say, "Oh, she'll be happy when she finds the one, and I was like, "Wow, she's not even willing to perceive that I am really happy because, in her world, you can't be happy unless you find the one, and throughout my whole entire life, any time I was single, my mother was just like, almost like grieving for me or devastated for me. I was lucky; I had a really cool dad, and he was always like, "Simone, you've got to choose what works for you. Like, he was always encouraging and empowering. My mother was not. I didn't really get on well with her, but having that projected at you all the time is like you're a loser if you don't have a partner. Was definitely projected at me by my mother, and yeah, all these different things. So I think it can be generational again, and as we've been stating, I think now we actually have a choice, but you've got to be, as we said, really honest with what you would like to choose, and choose what everybody else is choosing. Choose what works for you. It's a key element.
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  Kevin Anthony 22:12 Yeah, and unfortunately, it's a very difficult thing for young people to do because, you know, they tend to be more herd creatures. They tend to follow what everybody else is doing. So, if they're, you know, I mean, I do have a decent chunk of the audience who is, you know, on the younger side of the spectrum. And you know, if you're listening to this, just know that you don't have to do what everybody else is doing. You do what works for you. And I think we live in a time now where it's easier to do that than ever before, because there are more chances, more choices available, and there are more examples of people doing things differently than there used to be. So, just because everybody's doing the poly open relating thing, if that doesn't work for you, if every time you feel hurt and like you're struggling with massive jealousy and it's hurting your self-confidence and all the other things that can happen. Then don't do it.
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  Simone Milasas 23:06 Yes, it's so key, so key, Kevin.
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  Kevin Anthony 23:10 Yeah.
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  Simone Milasas 23:10 It's nothing. If nothing was right or wrong, what would you choose?
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  Kevin Anthony 23:15 That's a good question.
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  Simone Milasas 23:17 Yeah, not looking for the rightness and not judging that there's something wrong. It's like, what would you choose?
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  Kevin Anthony 23:21 Yeah, and you know, in some cases in life, there are very clear rights and wrongs. But when it comes to relationships, I don't think there really is a right and a wrong. The only thing that is right is what works for both of you. As long as you're both consenting to it and you're both, you know, desiring this style, whatever it is, and doing it openly and honestly with each other, then I don't really think there is a right or a wrong.
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  Simone Milasas 23:48 I totally agree. I totally agree. Yeah.
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  Kevin Anthony 23:52 So this kind of brings me to this idea. I wrote this note down when we spoke originally about the difference between a relationship and a creatorship, and I was curious. I'm sure I wrote that because that was something that you had said to me when we were talking, and I was like, "Ooh, that's interesting. I want to know more about that. Can you talk a little bit about what the difference is between those two?
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  Simone Milasas 24:19 Yeah, well, I would say creationship is what we probably mentioned, and because if you look at the definition of relationship, like in a dictionary, it literally means the distance between two things, right? So you're talking about the relationship between you and somebody else. Whereas, if you are asking for a creationship, then my definition of that would be if you choose to be with someone that you are creating at least 20 times more because you're with that person. As we stated, you stated right at the beginning. You know people in relationships who say that they're with the one, and yet you listen to them. Hear them or watch them, and you're like, really, that's the best you've got, you know. And I see a lot of people in relationships; they start to cut themselves off for the other person. Like, I'll give you an example: my ex, he was in a long-term relationship before me, and he loves surfing, and we live across the road from the beach.
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  Simone Milasas 25:21 And I remember one day, about a year into the relationship, he came home, and he'd been surfing for like three hours or something, and he walked into the house, and he looked at me with this, like, "I'm going to get in trouble" look, and I went, "What's up? And he went, "Are you angry at me? And I went, "No. Why would I be angry at you? And he said, "Because I've been surfing for three hours, and I went. But you love surfing. Why would I be angry at you? And he. It was such a good conversation because he said, Simone, previously, with his other ex, he would have been in so much trouble for doing something without her. And I was like, Hey, I love having three hours on my own, and I also love that every molecule in your body is like clinging together with this joy when you come back from surfing because you love it. It's like, for me, you're choosing something you love. I'm having this, so it's like when we do come together, it's like it's a different space.
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  Simone Milasas 26:14 And for me, that's like an explosion of possibilities. It doesn't have this expectation and projection of how much time we're supposed to spend together, or you didn't invite me to this, etc. No, you are. I look at this as you being an infinite being. I'm an infinite being, and if we're in a creation ship, then we're going to be adding to each other's lives, not chopping away at it, and you know, giving these rules and regulations of what you can and cannot do, and again, if that other person is choosing something or doing something that doesn't work for you, then you might want to have a conversation about that. But for me, it's like not telling someone that they can't do something. That's not a relationship that I would choose to be in, so I would call that more creationship about being in question.
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  Kevin Anthony 27:06 Isn't it so interesting that he was so conditioned by past relationships that he knew she was going to be mad, even though you had not given any previous indication that that would be the case? He just assumed that that's how it was going to be because that's how it has been before. Very, very interesting to think about. Yeah, there were a few things.
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  Simone Milasas 27:26 I remember watching a movie with him one day, and Cameron Diaz was in it, and I can't remember what movie it was, but I was commenting on how hot she was, how good-looking she was, and I was like, and I said something like, "Don't you think? Same thing. He looked at me with this look like, "Am I about to get in trouble? And I went, " What's going on? He goes, " If I comment about how hot she is, what's going to happen? And I went, I just think she looks really great. Like, don't you? You know? And I see this happen a lot in relationships. And for me, if you're smart as a woman, point out the women in there who are hot. And it's like, because guess who you get to go home with when he's all turned on, going Oh my God, look at this woman and blah blah blah. Same goes for the other way around. It's like, why would we not? Why would we cut that off? Like, why would we cut our sexualness and our turn-on off because you have a partner? For me, that's like, again, those projections and expectations and judgments of relationship, rather than in a creation ship. It's like, what else is possible?
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  Kevin Anthony 28:29 Yeah. So you know, I mean, this has not been the case with my partners because I would never date somebody who, you know, was like this. But many times when a woman says, like, "Isn't she hot? Okay, the second you said that, the picture I had in my head was, "Do you remember Star Wars Admiral Ackbar when he goes, 'It's a trap! Right? Like that's when most women say, 'Isn't she hot? In the back of our minds, as men are screaming, Admiral Ackbar goes, ' It's a trap! ' It's a trap! Don't answer that question! Right?
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  Simone Milasas 29:07 I know, I know, I know. Yeah.
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  Kevin Anthony 29:10 But the reality is, I 100% agree with you. So you know, my wife and I used to do that all the time. We would both comment all the time, and we, you know, we and I still live very close to, you know, one of the best nude beaches, you know, in the country, and so we would go all the time, and we would point out, you know, she'd be like oh my God, look at the size of his dick you know, or whatever, or boobs, or you know, and we would do that all the time, and we'd both be like, " Oh, wow yeah you're right you know because why deny that stuff? Everybody knows you're seeing it, you're thinking it. Why not just bring it out into the open and then use that energy? It's exactly what you said. Cameron Diaz is on a screen, right? She may as well not even actually exist in most of our worlds because we're never going to meet her. There's no chance that Cameron Diaz is going to walk into your living room and take your man away from you, right? So why not allow him to feel turned on by it and then turn that energy towards you?
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  Simone Milasas 30:12 Exactly, exactly. But, but you know what, Kevin? What you and I have both spoken about? It's like, for me, I love that energy. You have to have this. I don't even know. I don't even know if it's confidence. It's something different. Being really present with yourself and being aware, and being willing to have anything show up. I guess it's like trusting yourself as well, like being vulnerable with yourself, honoring you. You have to have those elements in order to have that and be that. But I think we all have that, and what occurs is we get entrained to not have it. Like when you listen to the noise, and you know all the stuff I don't know on social media and movies and stuff. You listen to that, and you have that as an expectation rather than, like, well, who am I today, and what would I like to be here? You know.
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  Kevin Anthony 30:59 Yeah, I mean, if we were talking in terms of attachment language, we would say that you need to be in secure attachment to really be able to do that, right? Where you feel secure, you're not worried that Cameron Diaz is going to walk into your living room and steal your medical line. If she does,
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  Simone Milasas 31:13 I might be like, hey, you know what? You should have a good time.
• 0:50
  Kevin Anthony 31:18 Sometimes couples do that, right? They get their celebrity pass, you know. Like, if you ever had an opportunity to have sex with that celebrity, I'll give you a pass, right? Couples will do that, but yeah. So this idea of, you know, you have to feel secure in your relationship, which generally means, as you said, feeling secure with yourself first, and then also secure with the relationship. But the other thing I think too is, you know, when people feel jealousy or insecurity in relationships, their general approach to solving that is to put up walls, right? Let's put up the defenses. Let's put up the, you know, super high concrete wall with the steel-reinforced barbed wire, you know, guns facing outward. Like we try to wall off to protect, right? Where I think a better thing to do is: why not make your relationship so effing good that your partner would never even think about leaving. It's a completely different approach. Rather than trying to box them in like a prison to hold them in, why not make it paradise so they won't even look outside of paradise?
• 0:51
  Simone Milasas 32:31 I love that, Kevin. That is absolutely brilliant. I love it. And if they do want to look outside, then then maybe maybe we've done what we're meant to do together. And that goes against the one too. It's like, I think that's a great conversation people can have. I've had that twice in my life, of Hey, have we done what we were meant to do together? Instead of breaking up and being all, you know, dramatic, etc. I don't know really why people have to do that. What if you could have a conversation and go, " Are we done? You know, and I had it once with my ex, and we were done. It probably took about a year for us to undo a lot of different things and have these conversations, and finally go, okay, we're done. We had so much together, financially and everything, but that's a whole other story. And then the second time I had the conversation, it was with my lover, and we were in Italy, and we had this conversation, and it was so friggin' beautiful, because we started talking about what was up in our world, and the gratitude that was just growing between us was an absolute turn-on, you know. And we became more, but we were willing to say, " Are we done? I think that's got to be a really key element as well.
• 0:52
  Kevin Anthony 33:46 Yeah, I agree. You know, just back to like, you know, so they don't even need to look outside of paradise. But the thing is, if you're living in paradise and you do look outside paradise and you see something else that also kind of looks like paradise, it doesn't have the same draw, right? You know, you go. Yeah, I mean, hey, that kind of looks like paradise. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. But why would I risk it? Because I'm already living in paradise, right? So there's that, and then there's the part that you were just talking about, which is if they do look outside and they decide they'd rather be over there. Well, then that's probably a good thing because if they stay, if you force them to stay, it's probably not going to be a good relationship from that point on, and to your point, you know what you were describing is what we would call, you know these days, conscious uncoupling, right, where two people decide to sit down and, in an emotionally mature way, realize that this has run its course and it's time to move on.
• 0:53
  Kevin Anthony 34:45 Yeah, I learned that lesson like many, many, many years ago. I had two friends; they'd been together, I think, 10 or 11 years, and they were just like pillars in the community. They had events all the time. Every. Knew them, right, and so one day they came out, and they announced that they were separating, and people were shocked. They were like, "What is going on? And they kind of knew that that was going to happen. And so when they announced that, they didn't just say, "We're splitting up. They actually had people, you know, they like gathered people around, and then they told a story. And the story they told was that when they got together originally, they made an agreement that they would stay together as long as they felt that their relationship was creating more good in the world.
• 0:54
  Kevin Anthony 35:37 And so, after 11 years together, they realized that being together was creating more good in the world, because, you know, they were having some challenges in the relationship and things like that. They realized it was creating more. I don't know. I don't know if challenge is the right word, but it wasn't. It wasn't creating something beautiful and positive out there in the world anymore. And they decided to, you know, they didn't have the term at the time, but consciously uncouple and just say, "I think that we could do more for ourselves, for each other, and for the world by not being together than by being together. And I just remember, yeah, I remember watching that. I was maybe, I don't know, 30 at the time, going, "This is freaking amazing! I've never seen anything like this before.
• 0:55
  Simone Milasas 36:26 Yeah, yeah. No, I think that's wonderful, and for me, that's part of creationship.
• 0:56
  Kevin Anthony 36:31 Yeah, absolutely, and that's part of how it all ties in together, right? It's this idea of you now consciously creating your relationship in whatever that looks like, and that might be from who you choose to how you structure your relationship, to how you live your day-to-day life, and then ultimately to whether or not you actually stay in a relationship. Yeah,
• 0:57
  Simone Milasas 36:58 Yeah, I think it's a constant state of question, and for me, that's creationship.
• 0:58
  Kevin Anthony 37:03 Yeah, I love that idea. You know, the thing that I like about creationship too, using that term, is that it's empowering when you think about how you have the power to create it the way that you want it, rather than feeling like, well, this is just the way you do it, or what you have to do. I'm a big, I'm a big like personal freedom, sovereignty kind of person. So, like, the ability to create things the way you want to create them in a way that works for you, provided, of course, that you're not negatively hurting somebody else in the process. I mean, that's I think, the ultimate right: the ability to create it the way you want it.
• 0:59
  Simone Milasas 37:43 Yeah, and not to choose less because you have a partner. And as an example of that, I remember at one stage, because I was traveling. I travel a lot, and I said, I think I want to go live in Europe for six months. And you know, he had a kid, so I had a stepchild. And he said to me, "Okay, what, what, what would this look like? Sort of thing. It was like, well, we don't have to break up. But I said, I just think I need to base myself in Europe for six months. So we had this whole conversation. It wasn't that we had to split up. It wasn't that we had to do this. I was like, look, I'll still contribute to the mortgage and do all of this, but we go, and I didn't end up going. But I was so grateful that I had the conversation and the choice to go, rather than Oh, I can't go because I'm in a relationship and we've got this and blah blah blah. So, for me, the creationship too is not limiting the possibilities that you can choose. It doesn't mean, you know, it doesn't mean you're excluding someone. It's like you're including them in your choices, but you are not choosing less for somebody else.
• 1:00
  Kevin Anthony 38:51 Yeah. Well, and you know, this kind of comes back to the whole idea of surfing, right? Because you mentioned that, you know, he was out doing something that he loved, and that lit him up, right? And then he's going to come back and feel great because he just did something that he loves, and he's going to bring that into the relationship. And I completely agree that you know, if you're if you're going to be in a successful relationship, then you should be supporting your partner in their desires in life, right? So, like, I use the term helping your partner become the best version of themselves. Right, what lights them up? What do they want to do in life? Right, what gets them excited? Because the more they're excited about life, the more they're doing what they love to do, whether it's extracurriculars or career or whatever it is. Right, the happier they're going to be, the better they're going to show up for the relationship, right? So it's actually in your best interest to help your partner live their best version of their life, and of course they should be helping you live your best version of your life also.
• 1:01
  Simone Milasas 39:56 Yes. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.
• 1:02
  Kevin Anthony 40:00 All right, I gotta take a short break. I'm a little bit past that, but when we come back, I want to talk about the five elements of intimacy and how that factors into all this. All right, if your relationship feels disconnected, if your sex life has lost its spark, or if you just know something needs to change, then relationship and intimacy coaching can help. I've created transformational coaching programs for men, women, and couples, all designed to help you create deeper intimacy, better communication, and the kind of passionate relationship you actually want. Whether you're struggling with intimacy, confidence, desire, emotional connection, or recurring relationship challenges, you don't have to figure it out alone. The best place to start is with a free strategy call, where we'll talk through your challenges, get clarity on what's really going on, and create a personalized plan for moving forward. Go to kevinantthonycoaching.com today to book your free strategy call with me. That is kevinantthonycoaching.com today. The link is in the description, and you know all the stuff we're talking about: creatorships and, you know, figuring out what it is you really want and how to create that. If you're struggling with any of that, coaching might be the way to help you get really clear and really create the life and the relationship that you truly love and desire, so consider that.
• 1:03
  Kevin Anthony 41:23 All right, so we've been talking about, you know, why searching for the one might be keeping you single, and although we haven't specifically said, like this is the reason why you're single, you know, we've been talking about how we create these expectations, and how sometimes those expectations are either unrealistic and/or hold us back. We've talked about some of the negative consequences of that. We've talked about how, rather than being necessarily in a relationship, what we really want to do is create a creation ship. So we've, I think, really reframed a lot of this idea of we gotta find this one. By the way, there could be multiple ones, so that's that that is a possibility. Don't think there's only one person on all of planet Earth that is the only one that you can be with. That would be, that would be a really sad thought if that were the case. I don't know. I find that somewhat depressing. Before we go into the five elements of intimacy, what is your take on that? As far as there is only one for everybody, or are there potentially multiple ones?
• 1:04
  Simone Milasas 42:35 Oh, I agree. So part of it, I think, finding the one too, is I was always like, how can I say, I want to be with you for the next 50 or 60 or 70 or 80 years? I don't know where I want to be. I don't know what I want to be. So for me, I was like, what if you could be with someone and maybe once a year or every five years or whatever works for you, you sit down and you have a conversation. You go, "Do you want to go another year? Do you want to go another round? Because you may actually desire to choose something completely different. Like, I'm 56, and I'm in Costa Rica at the moment, and I'm developing my life, and I'm spending a fair bit of time over here. I have these horses here, etc. And in South America, I'm really enjoying it. So if I had met someone in Australia and gone, oh, I've got to stay in Australia, then I've really limited myself to that part of the world too, rather than What if you could always constantly be exploring what's next, like what else is possible for you, as you know, an infinite being here on the planet. So yeah, I don't. I think there's I think there's plenty of the ones.
• 1:05
  Kevin Anthony 43:40 You know, some people might hear that and think, "Oh, she's just like squirrel, squirrel, squirrel, right? You know, like a dog whose attention is constantly going all over the place because a squirrel ran over here or over there. But I don't think that's what you're saying.
• 1:06
  Simone Milasas 43:57 Well, it's not what I'm saying. But what if it was like I've chosen so many different things, Kevin? I remember at one point this guy that I went to get a job with, and he said to me, "Do you realize how bad your CV looks? And I went, "Why is that? And he went, "You've had so many different jobs, and he said to me, "Let me guess. He said, "You work somewhere, you're good at it, and then you get bored. And I went, yeah, and I was like, and then I leave, you know. And I did when I was younger. I had a lot of relationships that were like three months, and then I was like, this was great. And then I was like, okay, I think I'm done. Bye, you know. And to the point that I remember my mother actually was like, " You're nothing. This is my mean mother; you're nothing but a little slut because I had all these different three-month relationships.
• 1:07
  Simone Milasas 44:46 But I was like, but why am I staying with this person if if I'm if I'm good? I don't need this anymore. I'm not. It doesn't. It's not working for me anymore. Why can't I change? So I guess there is a little bit of squirrel, squirrel. Squirrel, but it's because I've always wanted to really explore the world, and from a really young age, I wanted to change the world and explore the world. And I get that I've done that, and I'm doing that. And I've had people that I've played with along the way, some for a shorter period of time, some for many years, etc. But I keep choosing what works for me. I'm not looking to be acknowledged by anybody else, or, you know, congratulated or set an example. For me, it's like what works for me, and I will choose that. So, I think that gets easier as you get older, too.
• 1:08
  Kevin Anthony 45:37 It definitely does because you get more clear on who you are.
• 1:09
  Simone Milasas 45:42 Oh God, in my 20s, I wouldn't want to be in my 20s for anything again. Like, I was constantly looking at my friends for their approval, and now it's like, no, I'm looking for my own approval, if that works for me. So yeah,
• 1:10
  Kevin Anthony 45:53 Yeah, you know, that's a funny thing too, because I've always been very much the same way, as far as you know, looking back at the past, and you see a lot of people, because we're very close in age, and so you see a lot of people, you know, saying like, "Oh man, I wish I was in high school again, or I wish I was in my 20s again, or I wish. And every time I hear somebody say that, I go, "Absolute, absolutely not! No way would I want to be 20 again. Would I like to have some of the strength and endurance of my 30s? You bet.
• 1:11
  Simone Milasas 46:23 You know, it's actually my life has gotten better and better as I've gotten older. You know, and there are different things you have to look at. Like say, you know, quite a few years ago, it's like okay, so with my body, it's like I want to I want to be strong. Like I want to create strength and mobility and agility sort of thing. So you stop, you start looking for different things or doing different movements, etc. So, you know, it changes. But I've become more of me as I've gotten older. That's for sure.
• 1:12
  Kevin Anthony 46:49 Yeah, I agree. Would I like to have some of the strength and endurance when I was younger? Ability to, you know, have horrendous mountain bike crashes and huge falls, rock climbing, and be perfectly fine. Yeah, I still wish I had some of that, but outside of that, I wouldn't want to be younger at all. Yeah. Okay. Let's get into these five elements of intimacy. So, because we were we were talking about creatorship, right, and creating the relationship style, and basically designing it the way that we want it. I imagine that you know these elements are kind of important in creating that, right? So, what are they, and how do they fit into this?
• 1:13
  Simone Milasas 47:40 Okay, so there are five elements of intimacy that we talk about in Access Consciousness: trust, honor, allowance, gratitude, and vulnerability. Now, most of those is what people look for outside of themselves. So my suggestion is have this with yourself first, and what I used to do, and I do it every now and then. I would write it on a Post-it note, and I put it on my bathroom mirror. So every time I'm brushing my teeth, you know, at least twice a day, I'm looking at this, going, "Okay, so where have I not been? Trusting myself, allowing myself, grateful for myself, vulnerable with myself, and gratitude, trust, and honoring of me, right? So trust, honor, gratitude, vulnerability, and allowance, and being in question about that-not about going to judgment, but it's-it's like if you're looking for somebody else to be grateful for you, but you're not grateful for you, where's that going to lead you? You know, if you're looking for somebody else to honor you, but you're not honoring of you, same thing, and so I would ask these questions of myself, but also ask questions of my body because same thing. As I mentioned before, I would attract a lot of men who were judging me and my body because they had the same judgments I had. Whereas if I'm honoring of my body, if I'm trusting of my body, an allowance of my body, etc. Then I'm not looking for somebody else to, you know, quote unquote, complete that for me. I have that, and what I find is when you have those five elements of intimacy with yourself and your body, then you can have that with somebody else.
• 1:14
  Kevin Anthony 49:18 Yeah. Well, as we often say on this show, it's an inside job, right? So, so many of the skills that we talk about here on this show start with mastering them for yourself.
• 1:15
  Simone Milasas 49:29 Absolutely, yeah.
• 1:16
  Kevin Anthony 49:32 Which, of course, would mean mastering these five elements of intimacy, and you know that's interesting as we look at them, so gratitude, trust. I wrote them down in a slightly different order than you said them before, but I have gratitude, trust, allowance, vulnerability, and honor. How many people do you think can really say they have mastered all five of those with themselves?
• 1:17
  Simone Milasas 49:57 Very few, and I'd say. Maybe you go through phases, because I mean myself, I'll be totally honest. It's like it's something that I would work on a lot, and I would have it a lot, and then I don't. But it's not about judging that. Okay, I don't at the moment. Okay, what would I need to change? What would I need to choose? What question can I ask that would, you know, allow more of this to show up. You know, like for me, like I mentioned, I'm in Costa Rica and horse riding, and I have horses here. And man, I have learned so much from horse riding. A friend of mine once said he learned everything. Everything you need to know, he learnt from a horse. And I was like, yeah, whatever. Years later, I'm like, wow, it's true. Like, you know, the horse riding I've done here, and it's like the ability to trust myself and my body and the horse, the universe, etc. as you're riding, but to like all of it, it's it just keeps increasing and increasing with how I be with that, so I don't think you settle on something and go right now. I'm being vulnerable. It's like no, sometimes I'm not, but I'll get there because I know that that actually will create more for me when I choose to be vulnerable with myself. You know, choose to be honoring of myself, etc. So I think we go in and out of
• 1:18
  Kevin Anthony 51:20 it. Yeah, and I think that's an important thing to just an important point to make is that you know if you're working on really embodying these five elements of intimacy, it's not like I work on it, I achieve it, great, it's done, we move on, right? Like it's a constant work in progress, and they are going to ebb and flow. And some you'll be feeling really great about, and some you might be struggling with, and then that might shift and change. But you're always working on it and doing your best to, you know, master them as well as you can. And I do agree with you that I think that the better job you do with yourself when it comes to those, then the chances of attracting a partner who also meets those things is going to be significantly higher.
• 1:19
  Simone Milasas 52:10 Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, and you can be more present with someone.
• 1:20
  Kevin Anthony 52:18 Yeah, which is obviously a big part of healthy, successful relationships is being being present with the relationship.
• 1:21
  Simone Milasas 52:26 Absolutely.
• 1:22
  Kevin Anthony 52:27 All right. Well, we have covered a fair amount today, and I hope that we have inspired people to think outside the box a little bit in a couple of different ways. Like there isn't only one person that's right for you, right? That there could be many different people, and what it's really mostly about is working on yourself first, right? Understanding what it is that you want, breaking outside of the expectations that society and others have given to you, deciding, you know, how do you want to live your life? How do you want to structure your relationships? Working on those five elements within yourself, and when you do all of that inner work, then being open to receiving that back from a quality partner. Yeah.
• 1:23
  Simone Milasas 53:16 Well, well put.
• 1:24
  Kevin Anthony 53:17 Thank you. Before you tell everybody where they can find out more about your books and your other work, are there any last things that you would like to share with the audience around this topic?
• 1:25
  Simone Milasas 53:31 I would just like to maybe suggest, not maybe suggest, stop judging yourself. I see so many people in a constant state of judgment of what they're choosing and what they're not choosing, and what if you made the demand of yourself that you never judge yourself again, you or your body again? It never, never, ever, ever creates anything greater ever.
• 1:26
  Kevin Anthony 53:58 Excellent advice for sure. You usually don't get anything positive out of negatively judging yourself.
• 1:27
  Simone Milasas 54:07 Nope, trust me, I've tried.
• 1:28
  Kevin Anthony 54:11 Indeed. Well, Simone, please tell people where they can find out more about your work.
• 1:29
  Simone Milasas 54:17 So, as I mentioned before, you can go to Simone Millasas, m-i-l-a-s-a-s.com. That's my Instagram and Facebook. You know everything. I don't think I have found another Simone Millisas in the world. So it's a good name. You can Google it, and everything's there. Also on AccessConsciousness.com, you can find me and hundreds of other facilitators of access as well.
• 1:30
  Kevin Anthony 54:42 Excellent, and of course the link to your website simonemillacis.com will be in the show notes. And as Simone just told you all, all her social media is the same thing, which is very convenient. You know, that's getting harder and harder for people to do these days. But I guess if you have a very unique. Name, you got it. Yeah, yeah,
• 1:31
  Simone Milasas 55:02 I know. Thank you so much, Kevin. Thank you for having me on here.
• 1:32
  Kevin Anthony 55:06 You're welcome. Thank you for coming on and sharing your unique perspective and hopefully inspiring some people.
• 1:33
  Simone Milasas 55:14 Yeah. Thank you.
• 1:34
  Kevin Anthony 55:16 All right, everybody. That's all the time I have for this episode, and I will see you next week. I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe, leave me a review, and share it with your friends. And for more free exclusive content, join me in the Passion Vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That's https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening, and remember, as Celine used to say, you're amazing!