Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 279: Why Marriages Drift Apart — and How to Reconnect w/ Guest Dr. Lee Baucom

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E 279: Why Marriages Drift Apart — and How to Reconnect w/ Guest Dr. Lee Baucom · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:47
  Well,
• 0:48
  hello,
• 0:48
  everybody,
• 0:48
  and
• 0:48
  welcome
• 0:49
  back
• 0:49
  to
• 0:49
  another
• 0:49
  episode
• 0:50
  of
• 0:50
  Adult
• 0:50
  Child
• 0:51
  of
• 0:51
  Dysfunction.
• 0:52
  Today
• 0:52
  we
• 0:52
  have
• 0:53
  with
• 0:53
  us
• 0:53
  Dr.
• 0:53
  Lee
• 0:54
  Balcom,
• 0:54
  who
• 0:55
  has
• 0:55
  helped
• 0:55
  people
• 0:55
  around
• 0:56
  the
• 0:56
  world
• 0:56
  to
• 0:56
  find
• 0:57
  a
• 0:57
  path
• 0:57
  to
• 0:57
  a
• 0:57
  vibrant
• 0:58
  marriage.
• 0:58
  He
• 0:59
  has
• 0:59
  written
• 0:59
  seven
• 0:59
  books
• 1:00
  and
• 1:00
  created
• 1:00
  a
• 1:00
  number
• 1:01
  of
• 1:01
  online
• 1:01
  resources
• 1:02
  for
• 1:02
  people
• 1:02
  caught
• 1:03
  in
• 1:03
  a
• 1:03
  marriage
• 1:03
  crisis.
• 1:04
  Welcome.
• 1:06
  Are
• 1:07
  you
• 1:07
  doing.
• 1:07
  Thank
• 1:07
  you
• 1:07
  so
• 1:07
  much
• 1:07
  for
• 1:07
  having
• 1:07
  me.
• 1:08
  I'm
• 1:08
  excited.
• 1:08
  I'm
• 1:08
  excited
• 1:09
  to
• 1:09
  be
• 1:09
  here.
• 1:09
  Oh,
• 1:10
  you're
• 1:10
  very
• 1:10
  welcome.
• 1:10
  I
• 1:11
  love
• 1:11
  just
• 1:12
  the
• 1:12
  conversation
• 1:12
  we
• 1:12
  had
• 1:13
  right
• 1:13
  before
• 1:13
  this,
• 1:13
  because
• 1:14
  I
• 1:14
  think,
• 1:15
  well,
• 1:15
  you
• 1:15
  were
• 1:15
  going
• 1:15
  to
• 1:15
  be
• 1:16
  talking
• 1:16
  about
• 1:16
  marriage
• 1:16
  today,
• 1:17
  which
• 1:17
  is
• 1:17
  totally
• 1:18
  different,
• 1:18
  but
• 1:18
  we
• 1:18
  were
• 1:18
  talking
• 1:19
  about
• 1:19
  thriving
• 1:20
  in
• 1:20
  general.
• 1:20
  And
• 1:20
  I
• 1:21
  think
• 1:21
  even
• 1:21
  with
• 1:21
  the
• 1:21
  marriage
• 1:22
  part
• 1:22
  of
• 1:22
  it,
• 1:22
  that's.
• 1:23
  We
• 1:23
  stopped
• 1:24
  doing
• 1:24
  that.
• 1:24
  We
• 1:24
  stopped
• 1:25
  looking
• 1:25
  for
• 1:25
  that
• 1:25
  really
• 1:26
  blissful,
• 1:26
  joyful
• 1:27
  part,
• 1:27
  and
• 1:28
  we
• 1:28
  get
• 1:28
  stuck
• 1:28
  in
• 1:28
  the
• 1:29
  ick.
• 1:29
  So
• 1:30
  talk
• 1:30
  about
• 1:31
  what
• 1:31
  you
• 1:31
  do
• 1:32
  and
• 1:32
  how
• 1:32
  did
• 1:32
  you
• 1:32
  get
• 1:32
  started
• 1:33
  into
• 1:33
  helping
• 1:34
  people
• 1:34
  with
• 1:34
  their
• 1:34
  marriages?
• 1:35
  Yeah.
• 1:36
  So
• 1:37
  that
• 1:37
  story
• 1:38
  starts
• 1:38
  back
• 1:38
  in
• 1:39
  college
• 1:39
  when
• 1:40
  I
• 1:40
  was
• 1:40
  like,
• 1:40
  what
• 1:40
  am
• 1:40
  I
• 1:40
  going
• 1:40
  to
• 1:40
  do
• 1:40
  with
• 1:41
  my
• 1:41
  life?
• 1:41
  And
• 1:41
  my
• 1:42
  mom
• 1:42
  said,
• 1:43
  what
• 1:43
  do
• 1:43
  you
• 1:43
  find
• 1:44
  yourself
• 1:44
  naturally
• 1:44
  attracted
• 1:45
  to?
• 1:45
  And
• 1:45
  I
• 1:45
  realized
• 1:46
  I
• 1:46
  wasn't
• 1:47
  the
• 1:47
  popular
• 1:47
  guy
• 1:47
  in
• 1:48
  high
• 1:48
  school,
• 1:48
  but
• 1:48
  I
• 1:48
  was
• 1:48
  the
• 1:49
  confidant
• 1:49
  for
• 1:49
  lots
• 1:49
  of
• 1:50
  people.
• 1:50
  You
• 1:50
  know,
• 1:50
  they
• 1:50
  wanted
• 1:51
  to
• 1:51
  share
• 1:51
  what
• 1:51
  was
• 1:51
  going
• 1:51
  on
• 1:52
  with
• 1:52
  them,
• 1:52
  and
• 1:52
  that
• 1:52
  never
• 1:53
  stopped.
• 1:53
  And
• 1:54
  so
• 1:54
  therapy
• 1:54
  seemed
• 1:55
  to
• 1:55
  be
• 1:55
  the
• 1:55
  route
• 1:55
  for
• 1:55
  that.
• 1:56
  So
• 1:56
  I
• 1:57
  went
• 1:57
  to
• 1:57
  graduate
• 1:58
  school
• 1:58
  and
• 1:59
  focused
• 1:59
  on.
• 2:00
  Well,
• 2:00
  first
• 2:01
  started
• 2:01
  as
• 2:01
  individual
• 2:02
  therapy,
• 2:02
  and
• 2:02
  then
• 2:03
  I
• 2:03
  went.
• 2:03
  This
• 2:04
  marital
• 2:04
  thing
• 2:04
  interests
• 2:05
  me,
• 2:05
  too.
• 2:05
  Now,
• 2:05
  the
• 2:06
  reason
• 2:06
  of
• 2:07
  that
• 2:08
  is
• 2:08
  because
• 2:08
  of
• 2:08
  watching
• 2:09
  my
• 2:09
  extended
• 2:09
  family
• 2:10
  as
• 2:10
  a
• 2:10
  child
• 2:10
  and
• 2:10
  watching
• 2:11
  some
• 2:12
  pretty
• 2:13
  horrid
• 2:14
  divorces
• 2:15
  happen
• 2:15
  in
• 2:15
  my
• 2:15
  extended
• 2:16
  family.
• 2:16
  My
• 2:16
  parents
• 2:16
  are
• 2:17
  still
• 2:17
  happily
• 2:17
  married
• 2:17
  in
• 2:18
  their
• 2:18
  80s,
• 2:18
  but
• 2:20
  I
• 2:20
  had
• 2:20
  an
• 2:20
  uncle
• 2:20
  who
• 2:21
  had
• 2:21
  multiple
• 2:21
  relationships,
• 2:22
  multiple
• 2:22
  marriages,
• 2:23
  two
• 2:23
  aunts,
• 2:24
  same
• 2:24
  thing,
• 2:24
  and
• 2:25
  their
• 2:25
  relationships
• 2:26
  ended
• 2:27
  badly.
• 2:27
  And
• 2:28
  I
• 2:28
  could
• 2:28
  see
• 2:29
  the
• 2:29
  damage.
• 2:29
  And
• 2:30
  so
• 2:30
  my
• 2:30
  thing
• 2:30
  was,
• 2:31
  first,
• 2:31
  what
• 2:32
  does
• 2:32
  it
• 2:32
  take
• 2:32
  to
• 2:32
  have
• 2:33
  a
• 2:33
  healthy
• 2:33
  marriage?
• 2:33
  And
• 2:33
  second,
• 2:34
  what
• 2:35
  does
• 2:35
  it
• 2:35
  take
• 2:35
  to
• 2:36
  more
• 2:36
  healthily
• 2:36
  take
• 2:37
  it
• 2:37
  apart,
• 2:37
  if
• 2:37
  that's
• 2:38
  necessary,
• 2:38
  if
• 2:38
  we
• 2:38
  can't
• 2:39
  get
• 2:39
  that
• 2:39
  healthy
• 2:39
  thing.
• 2:41
  As
• 2:41
  I
• 2:41
  was
• 2:41
  finishing
• 2:42
  up
• 2:42
  my
• 2:43
  PhD,
• 2:44
  I
• 2:44
  was
• 2:45
  reading
• 2:45
  about
• 2:45
  coaching,
• 2:46
  and
• 2:46
  I
• 2:46
  turned
• 2:46
  to
• 2:46
  my
• 2:47
  wife
• 2:47
  and
• 2:47
  I
• 2:47
  said,
• 2:47
  this
• 2:47
  is
• 2:48
  how
• 2:48
  I
• 2:48
  do
• 2:48
  counseling.
• 2:49
  This
• 2:49
  is
• 2:49
  the
• 2:49
  mid-80s
• 2:50
  or
• 2:50
  mid-90s,
• 2:51
  before
• 2:51
  everybody
• 2:51
  was
• 2:52
  a
• 2:52
  coach.
• 2:53
  And
• 2:54
  so
• 2:54
  I
• 2:54
  immediately
• 2:55
  launched
• 2:55
  into
• 2:56
  training
• 2:56
  for
• 2:57
  that
• 2:57
  and.
• 2:57
  And
• 2:57
  switched
• 2:58
  over.
• 2:58
  I,
• 2:59
  for
• 2:59
  years,
• 2:59
  was
• 2:59
  in
• 3:00
  the
• 3:00
  office
• 3:00
  as
• 3:00
  a
• 3:00
  therapist,
• 3:01
  but
• 3:01
  I
• 3:01
  worked
• 3:01
  as
• 3:01
  a
• 3:02
  coach.
• 3:02
  And
• 3:02
  we
• 3:02
  can
• 3:02
  talk
• 3:02
  about
• 3:03
  kind
• 3:03
  of
• 3:03
  the.
• 3:03
  Some
• 3:03
  of
• 3:04
  the
• 3:04
  distinguishing
• 3:04
  things,
• 3:04
  if
• 3:05
  that
• 3:05
  makes
• 3:05
  sense.
• 3:05
  But
• 3:07
  eventually
• 3:07
  I
• 3:07
  went,
• 3:07
  okay,
• 3:08
  I've
• 3:08
  got
• 3:08
  to
• 3:08
  be
• 3:08
  honest
• 3:09
  about
• 3:09
  this.
• 3:09
  I'm.
• 3:09
  I'm
• 3:10
  coaching.
• 3:10
  And
• 3:10
  so
• 3:10
  now
• 3:11
  I
• 3:11
  call
• 3:12
  myself
• 3:12
  a
• 3:12
  marriage
• 3:12
  coach,
• 3:13
  but
• 3:14
  you're
• 3:14
  Right.
• 3:15
  I.
• 3:15
  My
• 3:15
  big
• 3:15
  interest
• 3:16
  in
• 3:16
  thriving
• 3:17
  isn't
• 3:18
  separate
• 3:18
  from
• 3:19
  marriages.
• 3:19
  I.
• 3:20
  My
• 3:20
  goal
• 3:20
  is
• 3:20
  to
• 3:21
  have
• 3:21
  thriving
• 3:22
  relationships
• 3:22
  and
• 3:22
  people
• 3:23
  thriving
• 3:23
  in
• 3:24
  their
• 3:24
  lives.
• 3:24
  As.
• 3:25
  It's
• 3:25
  kind
• 3:25
  of
• 3:25
  my.
• 3:25
  My
• 3:26
  dual
• 3:26
  piece.
• 3:26
  And.
• 3:27
  And
• 3:27
  really,
• 3:27
  I
• 3:27
  see
• 3:27
  them
• 3:28
  as.
• 3:28
  As
• 3:29
  fitting
• 3:29
  together.
• 3:31
  Makes
• 3:31
  sense.
• 3:32
  What
• 3:32
  would.
• 3:33
  Let
• 3:33
  me
• 3:33
  ask
• 3:33
  you.
• 3:33
  You've
• 3:34
  been
• 3:34
  doing
• 3:34
  the
• 3:34
  marriage
• 3:34
  thing
• 3:35
  for
• 3:35
  how
• 3:35
  many
• 3:35
  years
• 3:35
  now?
• 3:37
  So
• 3:37
  30
• 3:38
  some
• 3:38
  years.
• 3:39
  30.
• 3:39
  So
• 3:39
  you've
• 3:39
  been
• 3:39
  coaching
• 3:40
  slash
• 3:40
  therapy.
• 3:41
  And.
• 3:41
  And
• 3:41
  we
• 3:41
  can
• 3:41
  talk
• 3:42
  about
• 3:42
  the
• 3:42
  differences
• 3:42
  between
• 3:43
  coaching
• 3:43
  and
• 3:43
  therapy.
• 3:44
  And.
• 3:44
  And
• 3:44
  it
• 3:45
  is
• 3:45
  funny
• 3:45
  because
• 3:45
  I
• 3:45
  never
• 3:45
  did
• 3:46
  go
• 3:46
  back
• 3:46
  and
• 3:46
  get
• 3:46
  my
• 3:47
  therapy
• 3:47
  degree,
• 3:48
  but
• 3:48
  I'm
• 3:48
  the
• 3:48
  same
• 3:48
  way.
• 3:49
  I
• 3:49
  had
• 3:49
  a
• 3:49
  coaching
• 3:49
  certificate
• 3:50
  back
• 3:50
  in
• 3:50
  the
• 3:50
  early
• 3:51
  90s
• 3:51
  because
• 3:51
  I
• 3:51
  was
• 3:51
  like,
• 3:51
  well,
• 3:52
  this
• 3:52
  is
• 3:52
  interesting.
• 3:52
  And
• 3:52
  this
• 3:53
  is
• 3:53
  what
• 3:53
  I
• 3:53
  feel
• 3:53
  like.
• 3:53
  I.
• 3:54
  I
• 3:54
  always
• 3:54
  felt
• 3:55
  like
• 3:55
  that
• 3:55
  was
• 3:55
  my
• 3:56
  niche
• 3:56
  because
• 3:57
  I
• 3:57
  was
• 3:57
  the
• 3:57
  same
• 3:57
  way.
• 3:58
  I
• 3:58
  was
• 3:58
  everybody's
• 3:58
  mentor,
• 3:59
  everybody's
• 3:59
  free
• 4:00
  therapist,
• 4:01
  basically.
• 4:02
  So
• 4:03
  I
• 4:03
  like,
• 4:03
  maybe
• 4:03
  I
• 4:04
  should
• 4:04
  do
• 4:04
  something
• 4:04
  with
• 4:04
  this.
• 4:05
  So.
• 4:06
  But
• 4:07
  we.
• 4:08
  Marriages
• 4:08
  are
• 4:08
  struggling
• 4:09
  right
• 4:09
  now.
• 4:09
  I
• 4:10
  mean,
• 4:10
  so
• 4:10
  many
• 4:11
  people.
• 4:11
  And
• 4:11
  I
• 4:11
  don't.
• 4:12
  What
• 4:12
  do
• 4:12
  you
• 4:12
  think
• 4:12
  is
• 4:13
  the
• 4:13
  core
• 4:13
  problem,
• 4:14
  like,
• 4:15
  at
• 4:15
  the
• 4:15
  base
• 4:15
  of
• 4:16
  everything?
• 4:17
  Yeah.
• 4:17
  So
• 4:18
  my
• 4:19
  belief
• 4:19
  after
• 4:19
  watching
• 4:20
  all
• 4:20
  of
• 4:20
  these
• 4:20
  years
• 4:21
  is
• 4:21
  that
• 4:22
  there
• 4:22
  is
• 4:22
  something
• 4:22
  that
• 4:23
  happens
• 4:24
  at
• 4:24
  some
• 4:24
  point
• 4:24
  early
• 4:25
  on
• 4:25
  in
• 4:25
  the
• 4:25
  marriage
• 4:26
  that
• 4:27
  sets
• 4:27
  the
• 4:27
  path
• 4:28
  now.
• 4:28
  So
• 4:28
  let's
• 4:28
  just
• 4:28
  kind
• 4:29
  of
• 4:29
  go
• 4:29
  back.
• 4:29
  People
• 4:30
  find
• 4:30
  this
• 4:30
  interesting
• 4:31
  person
• 4:31
  that
• 4:32
  they
• 4:32
  want
• 4:32
  to
• 4:33
  get
• 4:33
  to
• 4:33
  know
• 4:33
  better
• 4:34
  both
• 4:34
  ways,
• 4:34
  and
• 4:35
  they
• 4:35
  start
• 4:35
  connecting
• 4:35
  and
• 4:36
  they
• 4:36
  build
• 4:36
  the
• 4:36
  connection,
• 4:37
  and
• 4:37
  there's
• 4:37
  a
• 4:37
  lot
• 4:37
  of
• 4:37
  energy
• 4:38
  into
• 4:38
  building
• 4:38
  that
• 4:39
  connection
• 4:39
  between
• 4:40
  them.
• 4:40
  Right.
• 4:40
  And
• 4:40
  at
• 4:41
  some
• 4:41
  point
• 4:41
  they
• 4:41
  go,
• 4:42
  you
• 4:42
  know
• 4:42
  what?
• 4:43
  We
• 4:43
  want
• 4:43
  to
• 4:43
  do
• 4:43
  this
• 4:43
  for
• 4:44
  life.
• 4:45
  And
• 4:45
  what's
• 4:45
  interesting
• 4:46
  to
• 4:46
  me
• 4:46
  about
• 4:46
  that
• 4:47
  is,
• 4:47
  I
• 4:48
  don't
• 4:48
  know.
• 4:48
  I
• 4:48
  can't
• 4:48
  run
• 4:49
  into
• 4:49
  anyone
• 4:49
  and
• 4:49
  say,
• 4:50
  you
• 4:50
  know,
• 4:51
  what's
• 4:51
  the
• 4:51
  rate
• 4:52
  of
• 4:52
  divorce
• 4:53
  in
• 4:53
  the
• 4:53
  US
• 4:53
  and
• 4:54
  for
• 4:54
  them
• 4:54
  to
• 4:54
  go,
• 4:54
  I
• 4:54
  don't
• 4:55
  know.
• 4:55
  I
• 4:55
  mean,
• 4:55
  everybody
• 4:56
  knows
• 4:56
  it,
• 4:56
  right?
• 4:56
  So,
• 4:56
  you
• 4:57
  know,
• 4:57
  walking
• 4:57
  down
• 4:58
  the
• 4:58
  aisle
• 4:59
  that
• 4:59
  the
• 5:01
  just
• 5:02
  on
• 5:02
  percentage,
• 5:03
  you
• 5:03
  got
• 5:04
  a
• 5:04
  52%
• 5:05
  chance
• 5:05
  of
• 5:05
  succeeding
• 5:06
  at
• 5:06
  this,
• 5:06
  and
• 5:06
  yet
• 5:07
  everybody
• 5:07
  is
• 5:08
  walking
• 5:08
  down
• 5:08
  that.
• 5:08
  Not
• 5:08
  everybody,
• 5:09
  but
• 5:09
  lots
• 5:09
  of
• 5:09
  people
• 5:09
  are
• 5:09
  walking
• 5:10
  down
• 5:10
  the
• 5:10
  aisle
• 5:10
  without
• 5:11
  considering
• 5:11
  that
• 5:12
  because
• 5:12
  they
• 5:12
  think
• 5:13
  they've
• 5:13
  already
• 5:13
  beat
• 5:13
  it.
• 5:14
  Right.
• 5:14
  Their
• 5:14
  connection
• 5:15
  is
• 5:16
  real
• 5:16
  love.
• 5:17
  And
• 5:18
  because
• 5:18
  of
• 5:18
  that,
• 5:19
  we
• 5:19
  often
• 5:19
  walk
• 5:20
  into
• 5:20
  marriage
• 5:21
  fairly
• 5:21
  unprepared,
• 5:22
  thinking
• 5:22
  the
• 5:23
  love
• 5:23
  will
• 5:23
  take
• 5:24
  us
• 5:24
  through.
• 5:25
  In
• 5:25
  spite
• 5:25
  of
• 5:26
  the
• 5:26
  fact
• 5:26
  that
• 5:26
  many
• 5:26
  people
• 5:27
  come
• 5:27
  from
• 5:27
  very
• 5:27
  broken
• 5:28
  homes
• 5:29
  and
• 5:30
  they've
• 5:30
  seen
• 5:30
  very
• 5:31
  dysfunctional
• 5:32
  relationships,
• 5:33
  and
• 5:34
  there's
• 5:35
  not
• 5:35
  a
• 5:35
  lot
• 5:35
  of
• 5:36
  training
• 5:37
  that
• 5:37
  goes
• 5:37
  into
• 5:37
  getting
• 5:37
  married.
• 5:38
  Some
• 5:38
  people
• 5:38
  have
• 5:38
  to
• 5:38
  go
• 5:38
  to
• 5:39
  premarital
• 5:39
  counseling.
• 5:39
  They.
• 5:40
  I
• 5:40
  was.
• 5:40
  Did
• 5:41
  a
• 5:41
  lot
• 5:41
  of
• 5:41
  that.
• 5:41
  Or
• 5:41
  they
• 5:41
  might
• 5:42
  have
• 5:42
  to
• 5:42
  go
• 5:42
  to
• 5:42
  a
• 5:42
  weekend
• 5:43
  event
• 5:43
  or
• 5:43
  something
• 5:43
  like
• 5:44
  that.
• 5:44
  But.
• 5:44
  But
• 5:45
  if
• 5:45
  you
• 5:45
  already
• 5:45
  Believe
• 5:46
  you've
• 5:46
  got
• 5:47
  it
• 5:47
  down.
• 5:48
  That
• 5:48
  kind
• 5:48
  of
• 5:48
  bounces
• 5:49
  off
• 5:49
  the
• 5:49
  wall,
• 5:49
  right?
• 5:50
  And
• 5:50
  so
• 5:50
  they're.
• 5:50
  They're
• 5:51
  going.
• 5:51
  Because
• 5:51
  they
• 5:51
  have
• 5:51
  to.
• 5:52
  So
• 5:53
  then
• 5:53
  they
• 5:53
  get
• 5:53
  into
• 5:54
  marriage
• 5:54
  and
• 5:54
  they
• 5:54
  go,
• 5:54
  okay,
• 5:55
  we've
• 5:55
  got
• 5:55
  the
• 5:55
  relationship
• 5:56
  covered.
• 5:57
  Now
• 5:57
  we
• 5:58
  need
• 5:58
  to
• 5:58
  kind
• 5:58
  of
• 5:59
  do
• 5:59
  these
• 5:59
  other
• 5:59
  things.
• 6:00
  And
• 6:00
  so
• 6:00
  they.
• 6:01
  And
• 6:01
  this
• 6:01
  is.
• 6:01
  This
• 6:02
  is
• 6:02
  the
• 6:02
  start
• 6:02
  of
• 6:02
  the
• 6:02
  problem.
• 6:03
  They
• 6:03
  hit
• 6:03
  what
• 6:03
  I
• 6:03
  call
• 6:03
  the
• 6:04
  pause
• 6:04
  button.
• 6:05
  They
• 6:05
  go,
• 6:06
  we'll
• 6:06
  get
• 6:06
  back
• 6:06
  to
• 6:07
  us.
• 6:07
  You
• 6:07
  know,
• 6:07
  we.
• 6:07
  We've
• 6:08
  got
• 6:08
  to
• 6:08
  do
• 6:08
  the
• 6:09
  parenting
• 6:09
  thing
• 6:09
  or
• 6:10
  the
• 6:10
  job
• 6:10
  thing
• 6:11
  or
• 6:11
  whatever.
• 6:12
  There's
• 6:12
  something,
• 6:12
  you
• 6:13
  know,
• 6:13
  once
• 6:13
  the
• 6:13
  kids
• 6:14
  are
• 6:14
  at
• 6:14
  some
• 6:14
  point
• 6:14
  in
• 6:15
  life,
• 6:15
  and
• 6:15
  it's
• 6:15
  always
• 6:16
  the
• 6:16
  next
• 6:17
  stage
• 6:17
  out
• 6:17
  where
• 6:17
  they'll
• 6:18
  go,
• 6:18
  yeah,
• 6:18
  we'll
• 6:19
  get
• 6:19
  back
• 6:19
  to
• 6:19
  us.
• 6:19
  And
• 6:19
  once
• 6:20
  I
• 6:20
  get
• 6:20
  to
• 6:20
  this
• 6:20
  point
• 6:20
  in
• 6:20
  my
• 6:21
  career,
• 6:21
  and
• 6:21
  it's
• 6:21
  always
• 6:21
  one
• 6:22
  point.
• 6:22
  Point
• 6:22
  beyond
• 6:23
  where
• 6:23
  they
• 6:23
  are,
• 6:24
  we'll
• 6:24
  get
• 6:24
  back
• 6:24
  to
• 6:24
  us.
• 6:25
  And
• 6:25
  so
• 6:25
  they
• 6:26
  put
• 6:26
  it
• 6:26
  in
• 6:26
  what
• 6:26
  they
• 6:27
  think
• 6:27
  is
• 6:27
  suspended
• 6:27
  animation.
• 6:29
  And
• 6:30
  there's
• 6:30
  a
• 6:30
  problem
• 6:31
  with
• 6:31
  that,
• 6:32
  that
• 6:32
  you
• 6:32
  can't
• 6:33
  put
• 6:33
  a
• 6:34
  relationship
• 6:34
  into
• 6:34
  suspended
• 6:35
  animation.
• 6:35
  It
• 6:36
  doesn't
• 6:36
  work.
• 6:37
  It's
• 6:37
  either
• 6:37
  growing
• 6:38
  and
• 6:38
  expanding
• 6:39
  or
• 6:39
  it's
• 6:39
  shrinking
• 6:39
  and
• 6:40
  dying.
• 6:40
  Right.
• 6:41
  So
• 6:41
  when
• 6:41
  you
• 6:41
  pause
• 6:42
  that
• 6:42
  relationship,
• 6:43
  it's
• 6:44
  shrinking
• 6:44
  and
• 6:44
  dying.
• 6:45
  And
• 6:45
  so
• 6:45
  they
• 6:45
  become
• 6:46
  functionally
• 6:47
  in
• 6:47
  the
• 6:47
  household
• 6:48
  together.
• 6:48
  They
• 6:48
  cover
• 6:49
  the
• 6:49
  basics,
• 6:50
  things
• 6:50
  like
• 6:50
  that.
• 6:50
  Thinking,
• 6:51
  we'll
• 6:51
  get
• 6:51
  back
• 6:51
  to
• 6:51
  that.
• 6:52
  We've
• 6:52
  got
• 6:52
  that
• 6:52
  love.
• 6:52
  It's.
• 6:53
  It's.
• 6:54
  But
• 6:55
  you
• 6:55
  start
• 6:55
  creating
• 6:56
  habits
• 6:56
  of
• 6:57
  disconnection.
• 6:58
  And
• 6:58
  when
• 6:58
  you
• 6:58
  have
• 6:59
  habits
• 6:59
  of
• 6:59
  disconnection,
• 7:00
  as
• 7:00
  they
• 7:00
  grow,
• 7:01
  you
• 7:01
  go
• 7:01
  from
• 7:01
  disconnection.
• 7:02
  I
• 7:02
  have
• 7:02
  a
• 7:03
  arc
• 7:03
  of
• 7:03
  disconnection
• 7:04
  that
• 7:04
  seven
• 7:04
  stops
• 7:05
  along
• 7:05
  the
• 7:05
  way
• 7:05
  to
• 7:06
  disdain.
• 7:06
  And.
• 7:07
  And
• 7:07
  that's
• 7:08
  why
• 7:08
  we
• 7:08
  see
• 7:09
  so
• 7:09
  many
• 7:09
  problems.
• 7:09
  It's
• 7:10
  just
• 7:10
  coasting
• 7:10
  down
• 7:11
  to
• 7:11
  hit
• 7:11
  that
• 7:11
  bottom
• 7:11
  point.
• 7:14
  So
• 7:14
  it's.
• 7:14
  You
• 7:14
  black.
• 7:15
  So
• 7:15
  you're
• 7:15
  saying
• 7:16
  it's
• 7:16
  really
• 7:16
  just
• 7:16
  not
• 7:17
  prioritizing
• 7:18
  the
• 7:18
  couple
• 7:19
  right
• 7:19
  from
• 7:19
  the
• 7:19
  beginning,
• 7:20
  letting
• 7:20
  everything
• 7:20
  else
• 7:21
  take
• 7:21
  take
• 7:21
  place
• 7:22
  and
• 7:22
  kind
• 7:22
  of
• 7:22
  come
• 7:22
  over,
• 7:23
  go
• 7:23
  over
• 7:23
  that.
• 7:24
  So
• 7:25
  I
• 7:25
  know
• 7:25
  a
• 7:25
  lot
• 7:25
  of
• 7:25
  people
• 7:26
  and
• 7:26
  I've
• 7:26
  had
• 7:26
  a
• 7:26
  couple
• 7:27
  marriage
• 7:27
  people
• 7:27
  on
• 7:28
  just
• 7:28
  recently,
• 7:28
  and
• 7:29
  I
• 7:29
  get
• 7:30
  different
• 7:30
  answers.
• 7:30
  That's
• 7:30
  why
• 7:31
  I.
• 7:31
  It
• 7:31
  was.
• 7:31
  I
• 7:31
  like
• 7:32
  that
• 7:32
  you
• 7:32
  asked
• 7:32
  that
• 7:33
  because
• 7:33
  I
• 7:33
  got,
• 7:33
  you
• 7:34
  know,
• 7:34
  money
• 7:34
  is
• 7:35
  the
• 7:35
  root
• 7:35
  of
• 7:35
  so
• 7:36
  many.
• 7:36
  And.
• 7:37
  And
• 7:37
  communication.
• 7:38
  And
• 7:38
  I
• 7:39
  think
• 7:39
  communication,
• 7:40
  you
• 7:40
  know,
• 7:41
  yes,
• 7:41
  of
• 7:41
  course
• 7:41
  you
• 7:41
  have
• 7:42
  to
• 7:42
  communicate,
• 7:42
  but
• 7:43
  you're
• 7:43
  right.
• 7:43
  You
• 7:43
  start
• 7:44
  very
• 7:44
  well
• 7:44
  communicating,
• 7:45
  and
• 7:45
  then
• 7:47
  that's.
• 7:47
  I
• 7:47
  love
• 7:47
  that
• 7:48
  you
• 7:48
  gave
• 7:48
  a
• 7:48
  totally
• 7:48
  different
• 7:48
  answer
• 7:49
  than
• 7:49
  everybody
• 7:49
  else
• 7:50
  I've
• 7:50
  listened
• 7:50
  to.
• 7:51
  So
• 7:51
  if
• 7:52
  you're
• 7:52
  disconnected,
• 7:53
  there
• 7:53
  are
• 7:54
  lots
• 7:54
  of
• 7:54
  symptoms
• 7:55
  that
• 7:55
  you
• 7:55
  will
• 7:56
  find.
• 7:56
  And
• 7:56
  then
• 7:57
  you
• 7:57
  point
• 7:57
  to
• 7:57
  the
• 7:57
  symptom
• 7:58
  because
• 7:58
  you
• 7:58
  haven't
• 7:58
  recognized
• 7:59
  the
• 7:59
  connection
• 8:00
  piece.
• 8:01
  We
• 8:01
  as
• 8:01
  humans
• 8:02
  are
• 8:02
  Deeply
• 8:02
  connecting
• 8:03
  creatures.
• 8:05
  You
• 8:05
  watch
• 8:05
  that
• 8:06
  from
• 8:06
  infancy,
• 8:07
  right?
• 8:07
  I
• 8:07
  mean,
• 8:08
  I
• 8:08
  don't
• 8:08
  think
• 8:09
  there
• 8:09
  is
• 8:09
  another
• 8:09
  creature
• 8:10
  on
• 8:10
  the
• 8:10
  planet
• 8:11
  that
• 8:11
  takes
• 8:11
  18
• 8:12
  plus
• 8:12
  years
• 8:13
  to
• 8:13
  launch.
• 8:14
  And
• 8:14
  that's
• 8:15
  what
• 8:15
  happens
• 8:15
  with
• 8:16
  humans
• 8:16
  because
• 8:17
  we
• 8:17
  are
• 8:17
  built,
• 8:18
  our
• 8:18
  brains
• 8:18
  are
• 8:18
  built
• 8:19
  in
• 8:19
  connection,
• 8:19
  not
• 8:20
  in
• 8:20
  instinct
• 8:20
  as
• 8:20
  much.
• 8:21
  Sure,
• 8:21
  we
• 8:21
  do
• 8:22
  have
• 8:22
  instincts,
• 8:22
  but
• 8:22
  it's
• 8:22
  not
• 8:23
  the
• 8:23
  same.
• 8:23
  You
• 8:23
  don't.
• 8:24
  You're
• 8:24
  not
• 8:24
  born
• 8:24
  ready
• 8:25
  to
• 8:25
  hunt,
• 8:25
  you
• 8:26
  know,
• 8:26
  not
• 8:26
  born
• 8:26
  ready
• 8:27
  to
• 8:27
  take
• 8:27
  care
• 8:28
  of
• 8:28
  yourself.
• 8:29
  And,
• 8:29
  and
• 8:29
  because
• 8:29
  of
• 8:30
  that,
• 8:30
  it
• 8:31
  points
• 8:31
  to
• 8:31
  the
• 8:31
  fact
• 8:31
  that
• 8:32
  we
• 8:32
  are
• 8:32
  probably
• 8:33
  the
• 8:33
  most
• 8:33
  connecting
• 8:34
  creature
• 8:34
  on
• 8:34
  the
• 8:35
  planet.
• 8:35
  And
• 8:36
  so
• 8:36
  when
• 8:37
  we
• 8:37
  are
• 8:37
  connecting
• 8:38
  thing,
• 8:39
  we
• 8:39
  know
• 8:39
  how
• 8:39
  to
• 8:39
  handle
• 8:40
  things.
• 8:40
  When
• 8:40
  we
• 8:40
  are
• 8:41
  disconnected,
• 8:42
  we
• 8:42
  start
• 8:43
  to
• 8:43
  have
• 8:43
  these
• 8:44
  symptoms.
• 8:44
  So
• 8:45
  you
• 8:45
  name
• 8:45
  money,
• 8:46
  right?
• 8:46
  This
• 8:47
  is
• 8:47
  why
• 8:47
  I
• 8:47
  think
• 8:48
  money,
• 8:48
  the
• 8:48
  fights
• 8:49
  about
• 8:49
  money
• 8:49
  are
• 8:49
  never
• 8:50
  actually
• 8:50
  about
• 8:51
  money.
• 8:52
  They're
• 8:53
  about
• 8:53
  whether
• 8:53
  you
• 8:54
  see
• 8:54
  it
• 8:54
  as
• 8:54
  our
• 8:55
  money
• 8:55
  or
• 8:55
  is
• 8:56
  it
• 8:56
  a
• 8:56
  division
• 8:57
  of
• 8:57
  yours
• 8:57
  and
• 8:57
  my
• 8:58
  money,
• 8:58
  right?
• 8:58
  And
• 8:59
  so
• 8:59
  a
• 8:59
  connected
• 9:00
  relationship.
• 9:00
  So
• 9:01
  there's
• 9:01
  a
• 9:01
  second
• 9:01
  piece
• 9:02
  that
• 9:02
  I
• 9:02
  think
• 9:02
  happens
• 9:02
  in
• 9:03
  a
• 9:03
  marriage,
• 9:03
  in
• 9:03
  a
• 9:03
  healthy
• 9:04
  marriage,
• 9:04
  is
• 9:04
  that
• 9:04
  you
• 9:04
  create
• 9:05
  a
• 9:05
  we.
• 9:06
  We
• 9:06
  are
• 9:06
  in
• 9:06
  this
• 9:07
  together.
• 9:07
  We
• 9:07
  are
• 9:07
  a
• 9:08
  team.
• 9:08
  So
• 9:08
  when
• 9:08
  I,
• 9:08
  when
• 9:09
  I
• 9:09
  ever,
• 9:09
  I'm
• 9:09
  writing
• 9:09
  something
• 9:10
  we
• 9:10
  as
• 9:11
  capitalized,
• 9:12
  italicized,
• 9:13
  bolded,
• 9:14
  because
• 9:14
  I
• 9:14
  really
• 9:14
  want
• 9:14
  to
• 9:15
  make
• 9:15
  the
• 9:15
  message
• 9:15
  that
• 9:15
  it's
• 9:16
  about
• 9:16
  being
• 9:16
  a
• 9:17
  we.
• 9:17
  Now,
• 9:17
  that
• 9:17
  doesn't
• 9:18
  mean
• 9:18
  you
• 9:18
  lose
• 9:18
  the
• 9:19
  two
• 9:19
  people.
• 9:20
  So
• 9:20
  the
• 9:20
  team
• 9:20
  concept
• 9:21
  might
• 9:21
  help
• 9:21
  with
• 9:21
  that,
• 9:22
  right?
• 9:22
  On
• 9:22
  a
• 9:23
  team
• 9:23
  this
• 9:24
  morning
• 9:24
  I
• 9:24
  was
• 9:24
  playing
• 9:24
  pickleball
• 9:25
  before
• 9:26
  this,
• 9:26
  and
• 9:27
  I
• 9:27
  had
• 9:27
  my
• 9:27
  partner
• 9:28
  and
• 9:28
  I
• 9:28
  were
• 9:28
  making
• 9:28
  sure
• 9:29
  we
• 9:29
  covered
• 9:29
  the
• 9:29
  court.
• 9:30
  I
• 9:31
  could
• 9:31
  have
• 9:31
  been
• 9:32
  going,
• 9:32
  you
• 9:32
  keep
• 9:32
  messing
• 9:33
  up.
• 9:33
  What
• 9:33
  is
• 9:33
  wrong
• 9:33
  with
• 9:34
  you?
• 9:34
  Of
• 9:34
  course,
• 9:34
  I
• 9:34
  was
• 9:35
  making
• 9:35
  errors
• 9:36
  too.
• 9:37
  But
• 9:37
  our
• 9:37
  job
• 9:38
  was
• 9:38
  to
• 9:38
  win,
• 9:39
  right?
• 9:39
  So
• 9:39
  we're
• 9:39
  working
• 9:39
  as
• 9:40
  a
• 9:40
  team
• 9:40
  to
• 9:41
  win.
• 9:41
  And
• 9:41
  so
• 9:41
  that's
• 9:42
  what
• 9:42
  I'm
• 9:42
  talking
• 9:42
  about.
• 9:43
  Like,
• 9:43
  I'm
• 9:43
  going
• 9:43
  to
• 9:43
  play
• 9:43
  my
• 9:44
  best.
• 9:44
  Whoever
• 9:44
  my
• 9:44
  partner
• 9:45
  is,
• 9:45
  I'm
• 9:45
  going
• 9:45
  to
• 9:45
  play
• 9:45
  my
• 9:45
  best.
• 9:46
  They're
• 9:46
  going
• 9:46
  to
• 9:46
  play
• 9:46
  their
• 9:46
  best,
• 9:46
  I
• 9:47
  hope.
• 9:47
  And
• 9:47
  we're
• 9:48
  going
• 9:48
  to
• 9:48
  do
• 9:48
  our
• 9:48
  best
• 9:48
  to
• 9:48
  win.
• 9:49
  That's
• 9:49
  the
• 9:49
  we
• 9:50
  concept.
• 9:50
  And
• 9:50
  it's
• 9:51
  a
• 9:51
  way
• 9:51
  that
• 9:51
  people
• 9:51
  can
• 9:51
  think
• 9:52
  about
• 9:52
  that.
• 9:53
  So
• 9:53
  money
• 9:54
  ends
• 9:54
  up
• 9:54
  being
• 9:54
  a
• 9:55
  battleground.
• 9:57
  Another
• 9:57
  one
• 9:57
  you
• 9:58
  talked
• 9:58
  about
• 9:58
  communication.
• 10:00
  That
• 10:00
  is
• 10:00
  often
• 10:01
  where
• 10:01
  therapy
• 10:02
  has
• 10:02
  defaulted
• 10:03
  to.
• 10:04
  I
• 10:05
  know
• 10:05
  because
• 10:05
  when
• 10:05
  sitting
• 10:06
  in
• 10:06
  my
• 10:06
  therapy
• 10:06
  office,
• 10:07
  I
• 10:07
  would
• 10:07
  have
• 10:07
  people
• 10:07
  constantly
• 10:08
  come
• 10:08
  in
• 10:08
  and
• 10:08
  say,
• 10:09
  help
• 10:10
  us
• 10:10
  with
• 10:10
  our
• 10:10
  communication.
• 10:11
  And
• 10:11
  so
• 10:12
  I
• 10:12
  would
• 10:12
  just
• 10:12
  sit
• 10:12
  there
• 10:13
  and
• 10:13
  listen
• 10:13
  to
• 10:13
  them
• 10:13
  for
• 10:14
  25,
• 10:14
  30,
• 10:14
  35
• 10:15
  minutes
• 10:15
  and
• 10:15
  go,
• 10:15
  you
• 10:15
  know
• 10:15
  what's
• 10:15
  interesting?
• 10:16
  I've
• 10:17
  understood
• 10:17
  every
• 10:18
  single
• 10:18
  word
• 10:19
  you've
• 10:19
  said,
• 10:19
  every
• 10:19
  sentence
• 10:20
  you've
• 10:20
  said,
• 10:20
  and
• 10:20
  you've
• 10:20
  understood
• 10:21
  each
• 10:21
  other.
• 10:22
  It's
• 10:22
  not
• 10:22
  communication
• 10:23
  that's
• 10:23
  the
• 10:23
  issue.
• 10:24
  It's
• 10:25
  what
• 10:25
  you're
• 10:25
  communicating.
• 10:26
  That's
• 10:26
  the
• 10:26
  problem.
• 10:27
  Communication
• 10:27
  is
• 10:28
  a
• 10:28
  delivery
• 10:28
  device
• 10:29
  and
• 10:29
  it's
• 10:29
  delivering
• 10:30
  connection
• 10:31
  or
• 10:31
  delivering
• 10:32
  disconnection.
• 10:33
  So
• 10:34
  what's
• 10:34
  behind
• 10:34
  all
• 10:35
  of
• 10:35
  that
• 10:35
  is
• 10:35
  the
• 10:36
  connection
• 10:36
  that
• 10:36
  comes
• 10:36
  along.
• 10:37
  And
• 10:37
  so
• 10:38
  as
• 10:38
  I
• 10:38
  hear
• 10:39
  people
• 10:39
  talk
• 10:39
  about
• 10:40
  these
• 10:41
  reasons
• 10:41
  they
• 10:42
  think
• 10:42
  a
• 10:42
  marriage
• 10:42
  is
• 10:42
  falling
• 10:43
  apart,
• 10:43
  I
• 10:44
  almost
• 10:44
  always.
• 10:45
  Well,
• 10:45
  actually,
• 10:46
  unless
• 10:46
  they're
• 10:46
  saying
• 10:46
  it's
• 10:47
  connection,
• 10:47
  I'm
• 10:47
  always
• 10:48
  going,
• 10:48
  that's
• 10:48
  a
• 10:48
  symptom
• 10:49
  of
• 10:49
  the
• 10:49
  disconnection,
• 10:50
  right?
• 10:51
  So
• 10:51
  connection
• 10:52
  is
• 10:52
  the
• 10:52
  key.
• 10:53
  And
• 10:53
  you
• 10:53
  talk
• 10:54
  about,
• 10:54
  and
• 10:54
  I'm
• 10:55
  sure
• 10:55
  you
• 10:55
  probably
• 10:55
  talk
• 10:55
  about
• 10:55
  it
• 10:56
  in
• 10:56
  your
• 10:56
  books.
• 10:56
  You
• 10:56
  have
• 10:56
  seven
• 10:56
  books,
• 10:57
  so
• 10:57
  that's
• 10:57
  pretty
• 10:58
  cool.
• 10:59
  What
• 11:00
  are,
• 11:00
  what
• 11:01
  are
• 11:01
  the
• 11:01
  levels
• 11:01
  of
• 11:01
  connection?
• 11:02
  There's
• 11:02
  got
• 11:02
  to
• 11:02
  be
• 11:02
  certain
• 11:03
  pivot.
• 11:03
  You
• 11:03
  said
• 11:03
  it
• 11:04
  was
• 11:04
  like
• 11:04
  basically
• 11:05
  connection
• 11:05
  all
• 11:06
  the
• 11:06
  way.
• 11:06
  Seven
• 11:06
  down
• 11:07
  to
• 11:07
  what
• 11:07
  did
• 11:07
  you
• 11:07
  say
• 11:08
  contempt?
• 11:08
  No,
• 11:08
  you
• 11:09
  didn't
• 11:09
  say
• 11:09
  contempt.
• 11:10
  Disdain.
• 11:11
  So
• 11:11
  disconnection
• 11:13
  all
• 11:13
  the
• 11:13
  way
• 11:13
  to
• 11:13
  disdain.
• 11:14
  And
• 11:14
  every
• 11:15
  one
• 11:15
  of
• 11:15
  the
• 11:15
  seven
• 11:15
  is
• 11:15
  a
• 11:16
  dis,
• 11:16
  Right?
• 11:16
  And
• 11:16
  because,
• 11:17
  I
• 11:17
  mean,
• 11:17
  in
• 11:17
  some
• 11:17
  ways
• 11:18
  you're
• 11:18
  dissing
• 11:18
  the
• 11:19
  relationship,
• 11:19
  but
• 11:20
  disrespect
• 11:20
  is
• 11:20
  in
• 11:21
  there.
• 11:21
  Disdain,
• 11:22
  disregard.
• 11:23
  There's
• 11:23
  a
• 11:23
  lot
• 11:24
  of
• 11:24
  those
• 11:24
  pieces.
• 11:24
  But
• 11:25
  that's.
• 11:25
  That
• 11:25
  says
• 11:26
  we're
• 11:26
  headed
• 11:26
  down
• 11:26
  the
• 11:26
  bottom
• 11:27
  lane.
• 11:27
  And
• 11:27
  when
• 11:28
  you
• 11:28
  get
• 11:28
  to
• 11:28
  that
• 11:28
  bottom
• 11:29
  stain,
• 11:29
  you've
• 11:30
  got
• 11:30
  a
• 11:30
  problem.
• 11:31
  And
• 11:31
  because
• 11:32
  now
• 11:32
  two
• 11:32
  people
• 11:33
  are
• 11:33
  really
• 11:34
  kind
• 11:34
  of
• 11:36
  done
• 11:36
  with
• 11:36
  each
• 11:37
  other
• 11:37
  at
• 11:37
  that
• 11:37
  point.
• 11:38
  So
• 11:38
  let's
• 11:38
  go
• 11:38
  back
• 11:38
  to
• 11:39
  the
• 11:39
  connection,
• 11:39
  though.
• 11:40
  You
• 11:41
  mentioned
• 11:41
  the
• 11:41
  levels.
• 11:42
  What
• 11:42
  are
• 11:42
  they?
• 11:42
  And
• 11:42
  I
• 11:43
  believe
• 11:43
  there
• 11:43
  are
• 11:43
  three
• 11:44
  levels
• 11:44
  to
• 11:44
  connection.
• 11:45
  And
• 11:46
  these
• 11:46
  aren't
• 11:46
  stages
• 11:47
  like
• 11:47
  you
• 11:47
  go
• 11:48
  from
• 11:49
  level
• 11:49
  one
• 11:49
  to
• 11:49
  level
• 11:50
  two.
• 11:50
  It's
• 11:50
  all
• 11:50
  three
• 11:51
  levels
• 11:51
  are
• 11:52
  functional
• 11:52
  in
• 11:52
  a
• 11:52
  relationship.
• 11:53
  So
• 11:53
  let's
• 11:54
  talk
• 11:54
  about
• 11:54
  those
• 11:54
  just
• 11:54
  for
• 11:55
  a
• 11:55
  second.
• 11:55
  The
• 11:55
  first
• 11:56
  one
• 11:56
  is
• 11:57
  physical
• 11:57
  connection.
• 11:58
  When
• 11:59
  I
• 11:59
  say
• 11:59
  that,
• 11:59
  and
• 11:59
  I'm
• 12:00
  talking
• 12:00
  about
• 12:00
  marriage,
• 12:00
  every
• 12:01
  goes,
• 12:01
  oh,
• 12:01
  you
• 12:01
  mean
• 12:01
  sex.
• 12:02
  No,
• 12:03
  but
• 12:03
  yes,
• 12:04
  that
• 12:04
  is
• 12:04
  a
• 12:04
  way
• 12:05
  of
• 12:05
  physical
• 12:06
  connection.
• 12:06
  But
• 12:06
  loving
• 12:07
  touch.
• 12:08
  And
• 12:08
  so
• 12:09
  just
• 12:09
  to
• 12:09
  point
• 12:09
  out
• 12:10
  this,
• 12:10
  all
• 12:11
  three
• 12:11
  of
• 12:11
  these
• 12:11
  levels
• 12:12
  of
• 12:12
  connection
• 12:13
  can
• 12:13
  be
• 12:13
  in
• 12:14
  other
• 12:14
  relationships.
• 12:15
  They
• 12:15
  are
• 12:15
  not
• 12:16
  bound
• 12:16
  to
• 12:17
  just
• 12:17
  marriage.
• 12:18
  But
• 12:18
  how
• 12:18
  they
• 12:19
  happen
• 12:19
  in
• 12:19
  marriage
• 12:19
  is
• 12:20
  the
• 12:20
  important
• 12:20
  piece,
• 12:21
  right?
• 12:22
  So
• 12:22
  touch,
• 12:23
  touches
• 12:23
  or
• 12:24
  loving
• 12:24
  touch.
• 12:24
  That's
• 12:25
  physical
• 12:25
  connection.
• 12:27
  That's
• 12:28
  non
• 12:28
  verbal.
• 12:29
  And
• 12:29
  we
• 12:29
  see
• 12:29
  that
• 12:30
  with
• 12:30
  creatures
• 12:31
  around
• 12:31
  us.
• 12:31
  My
• 12:32
  dog
• 12:32
  is
• 12:32
  sleeping
• 12:33
  beside
• 12:33
  me.
• 12:34
  Clementine
• 12:34
  is
• 12:34
  a
• 12:34
  big
• 12:35
  cuddler.
• 12:36
  She
• 12:36
  understands
• 12:36
  physical
• 12:37
  touch,
• 12:37
  right?
• 12:37
  She
• 12:38
  wants
• 12:38
  to
• 12:38
  come
• 12:38
  over
• 12:38
  and
• 12:38
  be
• 12:39
  beside
• 12:39
  me
• 12:39
  and
• 12:40
  she
• 12:40
  wants
• 12:40
  me
• 12:40
  to
• 12:40
  pet
• 12:40
  her
• 12:41
  and
• 12:41
  she'll
• 12:41
  paw
• 12:42
  me
• 12:42
  and
• 12:42
  all
• 12:42
  that.
• 12:43
  But
• 12:43
  that's
• 12:43
  because
• 12:43
  she
• 12:44
  understands
• 12:45
  you're
• 12:45
  touching
• 12:45
  me,
• 12:46
  you
• 12:46
  love
• 12:46
  me,
• 12:46
  right?
• 12:47
  And
• 12:47
  she's
• 12:48
  touching
• 12:48
  me,
• 12:48
  so.
• 12:48
  So
• 12:49
  I
• 12:49
  know
• 12:49
  she
• 12:49
  cares
• 12:50
  for
• 12:50
  me.
• 12:51
  Physical.
• 12:52
  The
• 12:52
  second
• 12:52
  one
• 12:53
  is
• 12:53
  emotional.
• 12:54
  Now,
• 12:54
  emotional
• 12:54
  is
• 12:56
  non
• 12:56
  verbal,
• 12:57
  but
• 12:57
  also
• 12:57
  verbal
• 12:58
  and
• 12:58
  so
• 12:59
  it's
• 12:59
  a
• 12:59
  cross
• 12:59
  point.
• 13:00
  As
• 13:00
  we're
• 13:00
  sitting
• 13:00
  here
• 13:00
  talking
• 13:01
  and
• 13:01
  you're
• 13:01
  nodding
• 13:01
  your
• 13:02
  head
• 13:02
  in
• 13:02
  agreement
• 13:03
  with
• 13:03
  what
• 13:03
  I'm
• 13:03
  saying,
• 13:03
  that's
• 13:04
  non
• 13:04
  verbal
• 13:05
  going,
• 13:05
  I
• 13:05
  get
• 13:05
  what
• 13:05
  you're
• 13:06
  saying,
• 13:06
  right?
• 13:06
  That's
• 13:06
  right.
• 13:07
  So
• 13:08
  if
• 13:08
  somebody
• 13:08
  is
• 13:09
  sharing
• 13:09
  with
• 13:09
  their
• 13:09
  spouse
• 13:10
  and
• 13:10
  their
• 13:10
  spouse
• 13:10
  is,
• 13:11
  you
• 13:11
  know,
• 13:11
  shaking
• 13:11
  their
• 13:11
  head,
• 13:12
  non,
• 13:12
  whatever
• 13:13
  it
• 13:13
  is,
• 13:13
  that's
• 13:13
  in
• 13:13
  agreement,
• 13:14
  you
• 13:14
  go,
• 13:15
  okay,
• 13:15
  they
• 13:15
  are
• 13:15
  understanding
• 13:15
  what
• 13:16
  I'm
• 13:16
  saying.
• 13:16
  And
• 13:16
  so
• 13:17
  there's
• 13:17
  a
• 13:17
  non
• 13:17
  verbal
• 13:18
  element.
• 13:18
  And
• 13:19
  there
• 13:19
  are
• 13:19
  two
• 13:19
  pieces
• 13:20
  that
• 13:20
  I
• 13:20
  think
• 13:20
  are
• 13:21
  key
• 13:21
  to
• 13:21
  this.
• 13:21
  And
• 13:21
  one
• 13:22
  is
• 13:22
  that
• 13:22
  you
• 13:22
  feel
• 13:22
  like
• 13:23
  somebody
• 13:23
  g
• 13:23
  gets
• 13:24
  you,
• 13:24
  that
• 13:24
  emotionally
• 13:25
  they
• 13:25
  understand
• 13:26
  you
• 13:26
  and
• 13:26
  that
• 13:27
  they
• 13:27
  support
• 13:27
  you
• 13:27
  and
• 13:28
  vice
• 13:28
  versa.
• 13:29
  So
• 13:30
  when
• 13:30
  I,
• 13:31
  my
• 13:31
  wife
• 13:31
  is
• 13:32
  for
• 13:32
  whatever
• 13:32
  reason
• 13:32
  laughing
• 13:33
  at
• 13:33
  a
• 13:33
  joke,
• 13:33
  I
• 13:34
  say,
• 13:34
  you
• 13:34
  know,
• 13:34
  I
• 13:35
  go,
• 13:35
  oh,
• 13:35
  she
• 13:35
  gets
• 13:35
  me,
• 13:36
  right?
• 13:36
  And
• 13:36
  she
• 13:37
  understands
• 13:37
  what
• 13:37
  motivates
• 13:38
  me.
• 13:38
  And
• 13:38
  if
• 13:38
  she's
• 13:38
  going,
• 13:39
  hey,
• 13:39
  you're
• 13:39
  usually
• 13:40
  like
• 13:40
  this,
• 13:40
  what's
• 13:40
  going
• 13:40
  on?
• 13:41
  She
• 13:41
  gets
• 13:41
  me,
• 13:41
  she
• 13:42
  understands
• 13:42
  me.
• 13:43
  If
• 13:44
  I'm
• 13:44
  talking
• 13:44
  about
• 13:45
  a
• 13:45
  struggle
• 13:46
  and
• 13:46
  she's
• 13:47
  listening
• 13:47
  and
• 13:48
  giving
• 13:48
  feedback
• 13:49
  on
• 13:49
  that,
• 13:49
  I
• 13:50
  also
• 13:50
  feel
• 13:50
  supported
• 13:51
  and
• 13:51
  vice
• 13:51
  versa,
• 13:52
  I'm
• 13:52
  doing
• 13:52
  the
• 13:52
  same.
• 13:53
  So
• 13:53
  that's,
• 13:54
  that's
• 13:54
  that
• 13:54
  emotional
• 13:55
  connection.
• 13:57
  The
• 13:57
  third
• 13:58
  level
• 13:58
  is
• 13:58
  spiritual
• 13:59
  connection.
• 13:59
  And
• 14:00
  when
• 14:00
  I
• 14:00
  say
• 14:00
  that,
• 14:00
  people
• 14:01
  go,
• 14:01
  oh,
• 14:01
  you
• 14:01
  mean
• 14:01
  religion?
• 14:02
  No,
• 14:03
  but
• 14:03
  yes,
• 14:04
  that
• 14:04
  is
• 14:04
  a
• 14:05
  piece
• 14:05
  of
• 14:05
  it
• 14:05
  for
• 14:05
  people
• 14:05
  who
• 14:06
  are
• 14:06
  religious
• 14:06
  because
• 14:07
  they're
• 14:07
  such
• 14:08
  core
• 14:08
  values
• 14:09
  that
• 14:09
  are
• 14:09
  reflected
• 14:09
  in
• 14:09
  their
• 14:10
  religious
• 14:10
  beliefs.
• 14:11
  And
• 14:11
  whether
• 14:11
  they're
• 14:12
  on
• 14:12
  the
• 14:12
  same
• 14:12
  page
• 14:12
  about
• 14:13
  that
• 14:13
  or
• 14:13
  at
• 14:13
  least
• 14:14
  understand
• 14:14
  each
• 14:15
  other's
• 14:16
  places
• 14:16
  of
• 14:16
  belief
• 14:16
  is
• 14:17
  an
• 14:17
  important
• 14:17
  part
• 14:17
  of
• 14:17
  that
• 14:18
  spiritual
• 14:18
  connection.
• 14:19
  Spiritual
• 14:20
  connection
• 14:20
  is
• 14:21
  entirely
• 14:21
  verbal.
• 14:23
  You're
• 14:23
  talking
• 14:23
  about
• 14:24
  your,
• 14:24
  your
• 14:24
  hopes,
• 14:25
  your
• 14:25
  dreams,
• 14:25
  your
• 14:25
  beliefs,
• 14:26
  your
• 14:26
  values,
• 14:27
  your
• 14:27
  fears,
• 14:28
  all
• 14:28
  of
• 14:29
  those
• 14:29
  pieces.
• 14:30
  So
• 14:30
  when
• 14:31
  I
• 14:31
  was
• 14:31
  seeing
• 14:31
  premarital
• 14:33
  couples
• 14:33
  and
• 14:34
  I
• 14:34
  would
• 14:34
  see
• 14:34
  everybody
• 14:35
  who
• 14:35
  had
• 14:35
  to
• 14:35
  get
• 14:36
  married
• 14:36
  in
• 14:36
  seven
• 14:36
  of
• 14:36
  the
• 14:37
  bigger
• 14:37
  places
• 14:38
  of
• 14:38
  faith
• 14:38
  and
• 14:39
  are
• 14:39
  in
• 14:39
  that
• 14:39
  community,
• 14:40
  they
• 14:40
  had
• 14:40
  to
• 14:40
  come
• 14:40
  through
• 14:40
  my
• 14:40
  office
• 14:41
  for
• 14:41
  three
• 14:41
  visits.
• 14:42
  And
• 14:42
  so
• 14:43
  they
• 14:43
  told
• 14:43
  me
• 14:43
  their
• 14:43
  story
• 14:44
  of
• 14:44
  how
• 14:44
  they
• 14:44
  fell
• 14:44
  in
• 14:45
  love.
• 14:46
  And
• 14:46
  almost
• 14:46
  always
• 14:47
  there
• 14:47
  was
• 14:48
  this
• 14:49
  conversation
• 14:49
  they
• 14:50
  would
• 14:50
  kind
• 14:50
  of
• 14:51
  bright
• 14:52
  eyed
• 14:52
  go
• 14:53
  on.
• 14:53
  The
• 14:53
  conversation
• 14:54
  point
• 14:54
  of
• 14:54
  it
• 14:55
  started
• 14:55
  somewhere
• 14:55
  late
• 14:56
  in
• 14:56
  the
• 14:56
  evening
• 14:56
  and
• 14:56
  went
• 14:57
  until
• 14:57
  like
• 14:57
  early
• 14:58
  in
• 14:58
  the
• 14:58
  morning
• 14:59
  where
• 14:59
  they
• 14:59
  talked
• 15:00
  about
• 15:00
  the
• 15:00
  family
• 15:00
  they
• 15:01
  came
• 15:01
  from,
• 15:02
  the
• 15:02
  values
• 15:02
  they
• 15:02
  grew
• 15:03
  up
• 15:03
  with,
• 15:03
  the
• 15:04
  values
• 15:04
  they
• 15:04
  now
• 15:05
  hold,
• 15:05
  what
• 15:05
  they're
• 15:06
  hoping
• 15:06
  for,
• 15:06
  what
• 15:06
  they
• 15:07
  dream
• 15:07
  and,
• 15:08
  and
• 15:08
  they
• 15:08
  contained
• 15:09
  each
• 15:09
  other's,
• 15:09
  they
• 15:10
  held
• 15:10
  each
• 15:10
  other's
• 15:11
  connection,
• 15:12
  right?
• 15:12
  So
• 15:13
  I
• 15:13
  remember
• 15:14
  in
• 15:14
  my
• 15:15
  own,
• 15:16
  we'd
• 15:16
  gone
• 15:16
  out
• 15:17
  for
• 15:18
  soft
• 15:18
  serve
• 15:18
  yogurt,
• 15:20
  came
• 15:20
  back
• 15:20
  and
• 15:20
  we
• 15:21
  were
• 15:21
  just
• 15:21
  chatting
• 15:21
  and
• 15:22
  everybody
• 15:22
  else
• 15:22
  that
• 15:23
  had
• 15:23
  gone
• 15:23
  with
• 15:23
  us
• 15:23
  kind
• 15:23
  of
• 15:24
  drifted
• 15:24
  away.
• 15:24
  And
• 15:25
  my
• 15:25
  at
• 15:25
  that
• 15:25
  time
• 15:26
  girlfriend
• 15:26
  and
• 15:27
  I
• 15:27
  started
• 15:27
  this
• 15:27
  talk
• 15:27
  probably
• 15:28
  at
• 15:28
  9
• 15:28
  or
• 15:29
  10
• 15:29
  at
• 15:29
  night.
• 15:30
  And
• 15:30
  I
• 15:30
  think
• 15:30
  we
• 15:30
  wrapped
• 15:30
  it
• 15:31
  up
• 15:31
  at
• 15:31
  4
• 15:31
  in
• 15:31
  the
• 15:31
  morning
• 15:32
  with
• 15:32
  classes
• 15:32
  the
• 15:33
  next
• 15:33
  day.
• 15:33
  So
• 15:34
  not
• 15:34
  a
• 15:34
  smart
• 15:34
  move,
• 15:34
  but
• 15:35
  it
• 15:35
  was
• 15:35
  that
• 15:35
  moment
• 15:36
  when
• 15:36
  I
• 15:36
  went,
• 15:36
  wow,
• 15:37
  we're
• 15:37
  on
• 15:37
  this
• 15:37
  parallel
• 15:38
  path.
• 15:40
  I
• 15:40
  get
• 15:40
  this
• 15:40
  person
• 15:41
  and
• 15:41
  this
• 15:41
  person
• 15:41
  gets
• 15:42
  me
• 15:42
  on
• 15:42
  a
• 15:42
  deep
• 15:43
  level.
• 15:43
  Those,
• 15:43
  that's
• 15:44
  that
• 15:44
  deepest
• 15:44
  level
• 15:44
  of
• 15:45
  connection.
• 15:45
  So
• 15:46
  that
• 15:47
  if
• 15:47
  you
• 15:47
  notice
• 15:48
  that,
• 15:48
  like
• 15:49
  my
• 15:49
  dog,
• 15:50
  all
• 15:50
  about
• 15:50
  physical,
• 15:51
  that's
• 15:51
  it.
• 15:52
  As
• 15:52
  far
• 15:53
  as
• 15:53
  I
• 15:53
  know,
• 15:53
  she
• 15:54
  doesn't
• 15:54
  care
• 15:54
  if
• 15:54
  I
• 15:54
  get
• 15:55
  her
• 15:55
  emotional
• 15:55
  state.
• 15:56
  I
• 15:56
  mean
• 15:56
  that,
• 15:56
  that's
• 15:57
  not
• 15:57
  a
• 15:57
  part
• 15:57
  of
• 15:57
  the
• 15:57
  conversation.
• 15:58
  Humans
• 15:59
  have
• 15:59
  these
• 15:59
  two
• 15:59
  other
• 16:00
  levels.
• 16:01
  And
• 16:01
  when
• 16:02
  people
• 16:03
  hit
• 16:04
  that
• 16:04
  pause
• 16:04
  button,
• 16:06
  one,
• 16:06
  two
• 16:06
  or
• 16:06
  three
• 16:06
  of
• 16:07
  these
• 16:07
  levels
• 16:07
  start
• 16:08
  falling
• 16:08
  away.
• 16:08
  In
• 16:08
  fact,
• 16:09
  for
• 16:09
  a
• 16:09
  lot
• 16:09
  of
• 16:09
  couples,
• 16:09
  that
• 16:10
  spiritual
• 16:11
  level
• 16:11
  of
• 16:11
  connection,
• 16:12
  they
• 16:12
  don't
• 16:12
  even
• 16:12
  notice
• 16:13
  it.
• 16:13
  And
• 16:13
  so
• 16:13
  they
• 16:14
  had
• 16:14
  that
• 16:14
  conversation
• 16:14
  that
• 16:15
  caused
• 16:15
  them
• 16:15
  to
• 16:15
  fall
• 16:15
  in
• 16:16
  love
• 16:17
  and
• 16:17
  they
• 16:17
  forget
• 16:17
  to
• 16:18
  ever
• 16:18
  have
• 16:18
  it
• 16:18
  again.
• 16:19
  And
• 16:19
  so
• 16:19
  they're
• 16:20
  down
• 16:20
  to
• 16:20
  the
• 16:20
  two.
• 16:21
  And
• 16:21
  then
• 16:21
  as
• 16:22
  they
• 16:22
  have
• 16:22
  disconnected
• 16:24
  sometimes
• 16:24
  they're
• 16:24
  down
• 16:25
  to
• 16:25
  one
• 16:26
  or
• 16:26
  none.
• 16:26
  And
• 16:27
  so
• 16:27
  they're,
• 16:28
  they're
• 16:28
  at
• 16:28
  a
• 16:28
  disconnected
• 16:29
  state.
• 16:29
  And
• 16:29
  then
• 16:30
  they
• 16:30
  don't
• 16:30
  know
• 16:30
  where
• 16:30
  they
• 16:31
  are,
• 16:31
  nor
• 16:31
  do
• 16:32
  they
• 16:32
  have
• 16:33
  this
• 16:33
  need
• 16:33
  being
• 16:33
  met.
• 16:34
  They.
• 16:35
  Within
• 16:35
  the
• 16:35
  relationship.
• 16:36
  So
• 16:36
  they
• 16:36
  start
• 16:37
  one,
• 16:38
  having
• 16:38
  arguments
• 16:38
  about
• 16:39
  these
• 16:39
  issues
• 16:39
  that
• 16:40
  you,
• 16:40
  you
• 16:40
  talked
• 16:41
  about.
• 16:41
  And
• 16:41
  two,
• 16:42
  trying
• 16:42
  to
• 16:43
  find
• 16:43
  connection
• 16:43
  somewhere
• 16:44
  because
• 16:44
  we
• 16:44
  humans
• 16:45
  are
• 16:45
  desperate
• 16:45
  for
• 16:46
  it.
• 16:46
  So
• 16:47
  it
• 16:47
  may
• 16:47
  be
• 16:48
  being
• 16:48
  overly
• 16:48
  involved
• 16:49
  with
• 16:49
  kids,
• 16:49
  it
• 16:49
  may
• 16:49
  be
• 16:50
  overly
• 16:50
  involved
• 16:50
  with
• 16:50
  friends
• 16:51
  or
• 16:51
  at
• 16:51
  work
• 16:52
  or
• 16:52
  with
• 16:52
  our
• 16:52
  career
• 16:53
  or
• 16:53
  even
• 16:54
  an
• 16:54
  affair.
• 16:54
  And
• 16:55
  all
• 16:55
  of
• 16:55
  those
• 16:55
  are
• 16:56
  ways
• 16:56
  of
• 16:57
  trying
• 16:58
  to
• 16:58
  somehow
• 16:58
  get
• 16:59
  the
• 16:59
  connection
• 16:59
  need
• 17:00
  met
• 17:00
  in
• 17:00
  ways
• 17:01
  that
• 17:01
  are
• 17:01
  outside
• 17:02
  of
• 17:02
  the,
• 17:02
  the
• 17:02
  marriage.
• 17:04
  Yeah,
• 17:05
  makes
• 17:05
  sense.
• 17:06
  Makes
• 17:07
  total
• 17:07
  sense.
• 17:07
  And
• 17:08
  you
• 17:08
  know,
• 17:08
  I'm
• 17:08
  just
• 17:08
  looking
• 17:09
  back
• 17:09
  to
• 17:09
  either
• 17:10
  like
• 17:10
  my
• 17:10
  parents
• 17:11
  or
• 17:11
  even
• 17:12
  my
• 17:12
  own
• 17:13
  first
• 17:13
  relationship.
• 17:14
  And
• 17:14
  I
• 17:14
  kind
• 17:15
  of
• 17:15
  joke
• 17:15
  about
• 17:15
  it
• 17:15
  now,
• 17:16
  but
• 17:16
  I'm
• 17:16
  like,
• 17:16
  that
• 17:17
  first
• 17:18
  meeting
• 17:19
  was
• 17:20
  totally
• 17:21
  wrapped
• 17:21
  around
• 17:21
  alcohol
• 17:22
  and,
• 17:22
  and
• 17:23
  crazy.
• 17:23
  Like
• 17:23
  we
• 17:23
  never
• 17:24
  ever
• 17:24
  discussed
• 17:25
  that
• 17:25
  thing.
• 17:25
  I
• 17:25
  remember
• 17:26
  one
• 17:26
  comment
• 17:26
  he
• 17:27
  made
• 17:27
  to
• 17:27
  me,
• 17:27
  my
• 17:27
  first
• 17:28
  husband,
• 17:29
  and
• 17:30
  I
• 17:30
  remember
• 17:30
  thinking,
• 17:31
  okay,
• 17:31
  the
• 17:31
  chances
• 17:32
  of
• 17:32
  that
• 17:32
  happening
• 17:32
  are
• 17:33
  like
• 17:33
  null
• 17:33
  and
• 17:33
  void.
• 17:34
  Like,
• 17:34
  he
• 17:34
  was
• 17:34
  like,
• 17:34
  oh,
• 17:35
  I'm
• 17:35
  27
• 17:36
  and
• 17:36
  I
• 17:36
  want
• 17:36
  to
• 17:36
  have
• 17:37
  three
• 17:37
  kids,
• 17:37
  but.
• 17:38
  Or
• 17:38
  a
• 17:38
  child
• 17:39
  by
• 17:39
  my
• 17:39
  30th
• 17:39
  birthday.
• 17:40
  Like
• 17:40
  all
• 17:40
  of
• 17:40
  those.
• 17:41
  But
• 17:41
  we
• 17:41
  never
• 17:41
  ever
• 17:42
  after
• 17:42
  that,
• 17:42
  now
• 17:42
  that
• 17:43
  I
• 17:43
  think
• 17:43
  about
• 17:43
  it,
• 17:43
  we
• 17:43
  never
• 17:44
  discussed
• 17:44
  what
• 17:44
  we
• 17:44
  wanted
• 17:45
  to
• 17:45
  do.
• 17:45
  The
• 17:45
  only
• 17:46
  thing
• 17:46
  I
• 17:46
  ever
• 17:46
  said
• 17:46
  was
• 17:47
  I
• 17:47
  will
• 17:47
  never,
• 17:47
  I
• 17:48
  will
• 17:48
  if
• 17:48
  I'm
• 17:48
  not
• 17:48
  going
• 17:49
  to
• 17:49
  marry
• 17:49
  you,
• 17:49
  if
• 17:49
  I
• 17:49
  have
• 17:49
  to
• 17:49
  live
• 17:50
  in
• 17:50
  the
• 17:50
  Midwest.
• 17:50
  That
• 17:50
  was
• 17:51
  the
• 17:51
  only
• 17:51
  conversation
• 17:52
  we.
• 17:54
  Where
• 17:54
  does
• 17:54
  he
• 17:54
  live
• 17:54
  right
• 17:55
  now?
• 17:55
  The
• 17:55
  Midwest.
• 17:56
  But
• 17:57
  you
• 17:57
  were,
• 17:57
  you
• 17:57
  were
• 17:57
  stating
• 17:58
  this
• 17:58
  is
• 17:58
  something
• 17:58
  important
• 17:59
  to
• 17:59
  me.
• 17:59
  Right.
• 17:59
  And,
• 18:00
  and
• 18:00
  so
• 18:00
  there
• 18:00
  was
• 18:00
  a
• 18:00
  point
• 18:01
  of
• 18:01
  connection
• 18:01
  in
• 18:02
  that,
• 18:02
  that
• 18:03
  you
• 18:03
  could
• 18:03
  go,
• 18:03
  okay,
• 18:04
  well,
• 18:04
  we.
• 18:05
  We're
• 18:05
  on
• 18:05
  that
• 18:05
  same
• 18:05
  path,
• 18:06
  or
• 18:06
  we're
• 18:06
  not
• 18:06
  on
• 18:06
  that
• 18:06
  same
• 18:07
  path.
• 18:08
  Yeah,
• 18:09
  that
• 18:09
  is
• 18:09
  funny.
• 18:09
  I
• 18:10
  mean,
• 18:10
  it's.
• 18:10
  It's
• 18:10
  really
• 18:11
  sad.
• 18:11
  I'm
• 18:11
  actually,
• 18:11
  to
• 18:12
  think
• 18:12
  about
• 18:12
  it,
• 18:12
  and
• 18:12
  I'm.
• 18:13
  I'm
• 18:13
  thinking
• 18:13
  back
• 18:14
  about
• 18:14
  so
• 18:15
  many
• 18:15
  people
• 18:15
  that
• 18:15
  I
• 18:15
  know
• 18:16
  that,
• 18:16
  God,
• 18:17
  they.
• 18:17
  Yeah.
• 18:17
  That
• 18:17
  spiritual
• 18:18
  connection.
• 18:18
  You
• 18:19
  just
• 18:19
  don't.
• 18:20
  You
• 18:20
  do.
• 18:20
  It's
• 18:20
  like
• 18:21
  the
• 18:21
  first
• 18:21
  couple
• 18:21
  months
• 18:22
  of
• 18:22
  dating
• 18:22
  and
• 18:22
  you
• 18:23
  have
• 18:23
  all
• 18:23
  these
• 18:23
  things
• 18:23
  and
• 18:24
  you
• 18:24
  talk.
• 18:24
  I
• 18:24
  want
• 18:24
  to
• 18:24
  go
• 18:24
  to
• 18:25
  this
• 18:25
  and
• 18:25
  I
• 18:25
  want
• 18:25
  to
• 18:25
  do
• 18:25
  that.
• 18:25
  And
• 18:26
  then,
• 18:26
  like,
• 18:26
  yeah,
• 18:26
  especially
• 18:27
  if
• 18:27
  kids
• 18:27
  come
• 18:27
  along,
• 18:28
  it's
• 18:28
  very
• 18:28
  easy
• 18:28
  to
• 18:29
  be
• 18:29
  like,
• 18:29
  okay,
• 18:29
  we'll
• 18:29
  put
• 18:29
  all
• 18:30
  that
• 18:30
  away,
• 18:30
  and
• 18:30
  we're
• 18:30
  not
• 18:30
  going
• 18:30
  to
• 18:31
  talk
• 18:31
  about
• 18:31
  that
• 18:31
  ever,
• 18:32
  until
• 18:33
  you're
• 18:33
  angry
• 18:34
  and
• 18:34
  you're
• 18:34
  resentful
• 18:35
  because
• 18:35
  it's
• 18:35
  20
• 18:36
  years
• 18:36
  later
• 18:36
  and
• 18:36
  you
• 18:36
  didn't
• 18:37
  do
• 18:37
  any
• 18:37
  of
• 18:37
  those
• 18:37
  things.
• 18:38
  Well,
• 18:39
  never
• 18:39
  had
• 18:39
  the
• 18:39
  chance
• 18:40
  to
• 18:40
  bring
• 18:40
  them
• 18:40
  up
• 18:40
  again.
• 18:40
  Wow,
• 18:41
  that's,
• 18:41
  like,
• 18:41
  pretty
• 18:42
  profound.
• 18:43
  Yeah.
• 18:43
  Yep.
• 18:44
  And.
• 18:44
  And
• 18:44
  so
• 18:45
  part
• 18:45
  of
• 18:45
  that
• 18:46
  disconnect,
• 18:47
  I
• 18:47
  do
• 18:47
  believe
• 18:47
  that
• 18:47
  we
• 18:48
  are.
• 18:49
  We
• 18:49
  need
• 18:49
  meaning.
• 18:49
  We're
• 18:50
  meaning
• 18:50
  makers.
• 18:51
  As
• 18:51
  humans,
• 18:51
  we
• 18:51
  need
• 18:52
  meaning,
• 18:52
  a
• 18:52
  sense
• 18:52
  of
• 18:53
  purpose
• 18:53
  and
• 18:53
  a
• 18:53
  sense
• 18:54
  of
• 18:54
  direction.
• 18:55
  And
• 18:55
  if
• 18:56
  you
• 18:56
  can't
• 18:56
  have
• 18:57
  that
• 18:57
  together,
• 18:57
  like,
• 18:57
  you
• 18:58
  can't
• 18:58
  navigate
• 18:58
  that
• 18:59
  together,
• 18:59
  you
• 19:00
  start
• 19:00
  struggling
• 19:01
  against
• 19:01
  each
• 19:01
  other.
• 19:02
  So
• 19:02
  I
• 19:02
  talked
• 19:03
  about
• 19:03
  that.
• 19:03
  We.
• 19:03
  Right.
• 19:04
  So
• 19:04
  a
• 19:04
  lot
• 19:04
  of
• 19:04
  couples
• 19:05
  think
• 19:05
  that
• 19:05
  what
• 19:06
  it
• 19:06
  really
• 19:06
  is
• 19:06
  is
• 19:06
  you
• 19:07
  and
• 19:07
  me.
• 19:07
  Like,
• 19:07
  we.
• 19:08
  We
• 19:08
  have
• 19:08
  this,
• 19:08
  you
• 19:08
  and
• 19:08
  me.
• 19:09
  But
• 19:09
  if
• 19:10
  you
• 19:10
  have
• 19:10
  two
• 19:10
  people
• 19:11
  in
• 19:11
  that
• 19:11
  intimate
• 19:12
  a
• 19:12
  relationship
• 19:13
  and
• 19:13
  they
• 19:13
  are
• 19:13
  disconnected,
• 19:14
  it
• 19:14
  becomes
• 19:14
  you
• 19:15
  versus
• 19:15
  me.
• 19:16
  It's
• 19:16
  an
• 19:16
  oppositional
• 19:17
  point.
• 19:18
  And
• 19:18
  it's
• 19:19
  just
• 19:19
  the
• 19:19
  natural
• 19:19
  part
• 19:20
  because
• 19:21
  so
• 19:21
  years
• 19:21
  ago
• 19:22
  I
• 19:22
  was
• 19:22
  at
• 19:22
  a
• 19:22
  seminar,
• 19:24
  and
• 19:24
  it
• 19:24
  was
• 19:25
  so
• 19:25
  profound
• 19:26
  for
• 19:26
  me
• 19:26
  because
• 19:27
  they
• 19:27
  said,
• 19:27
  okay,
• 19:28
  we
• 19:28
  were
• 19:28
  in
• 19:28
  these
• 19:28
  stacked
• 19:29
  chairs,
• 19:29
  you
• 19:29
  know,
• 19:29
  and
• 19:30
  they
• 19:30
  said,
• 19:30
  turn
• 19:31
  around
• 19:31
  and
• 19:31
  put
• 19:32
  your
• 19:32
  hands
• 19:32
  if
• 19:33
  you
• 19:33
  can.
• 19:33
  See,
• 19:33
  I've
• 19:33
  got
• 19:34
  my
• 19:34
  hand
• 19:34
  up
• 19:35
  with
• 19:35
  my
• 19:35
  elbow
• 19:36
  down
• 19:36
  on
• 19:36
  the
• 19:36
  table
• 19:36
  and
• 19:36
  my
• 19:36
  hand
• 19:37
  extended,
• 19:37
  and
• 19:37
  the
• 19:37
  other
• 19:37
  person
• 19:37
  put
• 19:38
  their
• 19:38
  elbow
• 19:38
  down,
• 19:38
  hand
• 19:39
  extended,
• 19:39
  we
• 19:39
  grabbed
• 19:40
  hands.
• 19:41
  That
• 19:41
  looks
• 19:42
  to
• 19:42
  me
• 19:42
  like
• 19:42
  we're
• 19:43
  going
• 19:43
  to
• 19:43
  be
• 19:43
  doing
• 19:43
  some
• 19:43
  arm
• 19:44
  wrestling.
• 19:44
  Right.
• 19:45
  And
• 19:45
  so
• 19:46
  the
• 19:46
  directions
• 19:46
  were
• 19:47
  to
• 19:47
  touch
• 19:47
  your
• 19:48
  partner's
• 19:48
  back
• 19:49
  of
• 19:49
  their
• 19:49
  hand
• 19:50
  to
• 19:50
  the
• 19:50
  table
• 19:51
  as
• 19:51
  many
• 19:51
  times
• 19:52
  as
• 19:52
  you
• 19:52
  can
• 19:52
  in
• 19:53
  two
• 19:53
  minutes.
• 19:55
  The
• 19:55
  woman
• 19:55
  in
• 19:55
  front
• 19:55
  of
• 19:56
  me
• 19:56
  was
• 19:56
  this
• 19:57
  fairly
• 19:58
  much
• 19:58
  older
• 19:59
  at
• 19:59
  that
• 19:59
  time.
• 19:59
  I
• 19:59
  was
• 19:59
  a
• 19:59
  young
• 19:59
  guy
• 20:00
  then,
• 20:00
  much
• 20:00
  older
• 20:00
  guy,
• 20:01
  woman
• 20:01
  who
• 20:01
  looked
• 20:02
  frail.
• 20:02
  And
• 20:03
  I
• 20:03
  was
• 20:03
  sitting
• 20:03
  there
• 20:03
  going,
• 20:04
  I
• 20:04
  gotta
• 20:04
  arm
• 20:04
  wrestle
• 20:05
  this
• 20:05
  person.
• 20:07
  And.
• 20:07
  And
• 20:08
  so
• 20:08
  I
• 20:08
  very
• 20:08
  gently,
• 20:09
  you
• 20:09
  know,
• 20:10
  did
• 20:10
  that.
• 20:11
  And.
• 20:11
  And
• 20:11
  at
• 20:12
  the
• 20:12
  end
• 20:12
  of
• 20:12
  it,
• 20:12
  I
• 20:12
  was
• 20:12
  like,
• 20:13
  I
• 20:13
  was
• 20:13
  proud
• 20:13
  of
• 20:13
  myself.
• 20:13
  I
• 20:14
  hadn't
• 20:14
  been
• 20:14
  a
• 20:14
  bully,
• 20:15
  I
• 20:15
  hadn't
• 20:15
  hurt
• 20:16
  her,
• 20:16
  but
• 20:17
  I
• 20:17
  Didn't
• 20:17
  let
• 20:17
  her
• 20:18
  touch
• 20:18
  my
• 20:18
  hand
• 20:19
  to
• 20:19
  the
• 20:19
  table.
• 20:20
  Right.
• 20:21
  And
• 20:22
  so
• 20:22
  at
• 20:22
  the
• 20:22
  end,
• 20:23
  there
• 20:23
  were
• 20:23
  a
• 20:23
  few
• 20:23
  people
• 20:23
  in
• 20:23
  the
• 20:23
  room
• 20:24
  that
• 20:24
  I
• 20:24
  could
• 20:24
  hear
• 20:24
  them.
• 20:24
  They're
• 20:24
  going.
• 20:26
  And
• 20:26
  I
• 20:26
  was
• 20:27
  like,
• 20:27
  what
• 20:27
  is
• 20:27
  wrong
• 20:27
  with
• 20:27
  these
• 20:28
  people?
• 20:29
  That
• 20:29
  was
• 20:29
  the,
• 20:30
  the
• 20:31
  assignment,
• 20:31
  though,
• 20:31
  to
• 20:32
  touch
• 20:32
  the
• 20:32
  partners
• 20:33
  back
• 20:33
  of
• 20:33
  their
• 20:34
  hand
• 20:34
  to
• 20:34
  the
• 20:34
  table.
• 20:34
  So
• 20:34
  if
• 20:34
  you
• 20:35
  didn't
• 20:35
  put
• 20:35
  any
• 20:35
  resistance,
• 20:36
  you
• 20:36
  just
• 20:36
  flopped
• 20:36
  it
• 20:36
  back
• 20:36
  and
• 20:37
  forth,
• 20:38
  you
• 20:38
  did
• 20:38
  what
• 20:39
  they
• 20:39
  said.
• 20:39
  But
• 20:40
  why
• 20:40
  is
• 20:40
  it
• 20:40
  that
• 20:41
  almost
• 20:41
  everybody
• 20:42
  in
• 20:42
  the
• 20:42
  room
• 20:42
  went
• 20:43
  oppositional,
• 20:44
  went
• 20:44
  into
• 20:44
  arm
• 20:44
  wrestling
• 20:45
  mode?
• 20:45
  It's
• 20:45
  because
• 20:46
  two
• 20:46
  people
• 20:46
  link
• 20:47
  that
• 20:47
  way,
• 20:48
  we
• 20:48
  immediately
• 20:49
  go,
• 20:49
  okay,
• 20:49
  we're
• 20:49
  in
• 20:49
  opposition.
• 20:50
  And
• 20:51
  that's
• 20:51
  what
• 20:51
  happens
• 20:51
  in
• 20:52
  a
• 20:52
  marriage.
• 20:52
  Just
• 20:52
  naturally,
• 20:53
  if
• 20:53
  we're
• 20:53
  not
• 20:53
  going,
• 20:54
  hey,
• 20:54
  we're
• 20:54
  on
• 20:54
  the
• 20:54
  same
• 20:54
  team,
• 20:55
  we're
• 20:55
  going
• 20:55
  to
• 20:55
  win.
• 20:56
  So
• 20:56
  you
• 20:56
  watch
• 20:56
  couples
• 20:57
  argue.
• 20:59
  They're
• 20:59
  trying
• 20:59
  to
• 21:00
  win
• 21:00
  the
• 21:00
  argument,
• 21:01
  not
• 21:02
  ask,
• 21:02
  how
• 21:02
  do
• 21:02
  we
• 21:03
  win
• 21:03
  this
• 21:03
  for
• 21:03
  our
• 21:04
  relationship?
• 21:04
  How
• 21:05
  can
• 21:05
  this
• 21:05
  conflict
• 21:06
  help
• 21:06
  our
• 21:06
  relationship?
• 21:07
  And
• 21:08
  especially
• 21:08
  if
• 21:08
  people
• 21:09
  have
• 21:09
  grown
• 21:09
  up
• 21:09
  in
• 21:09
  dysfunctional
• 21:10
  atmospheres,
• 21:12
  conflict
• 21:12
  is
• 21:12
  usually
• 21:14
  very
• 21:14
  prevalent
• 21:14
  in
• 21:15
  those
• 21:15
  relationships
• 21:15
  of
• 21:16
  some
• 21:16
  sort,
• 21:16
  whether
• 21:16
  it's
• 21:17
  an
• 21:17
  aggressive,
• 21:17
  passive
• 21:18
  aggressive,
• 21:18
  or
• 21:18
  two
• 21:18
  aggressives
• 21:19
  or
• 21:19
  whatever
• 21:20
  it
• 21:20
  is.
• 21:21
  So
• 21:21
  you're
• 21:21
  used
• 21:21
  to
• 21:22
  seeing
• 21:22
  that
• 21:22
  model
• 21:23
  and
• 21:23
  if
• 21:23
  you
• 21:23
  haven't
• 21:24
  switched
• 21:24
  it
• 21:24
  to,
• 21:25
  hey,
• 21:25
  we're
• 21:25
  on
• 21:25
  a
• 21:25
  team
• 21:26
  together,
• 21:26
  you
• 21:27
  tend
• 21:27
  to
• 21:27
  replicate
• 21:28
  that.
• 21:29
  Yeah,
• 21:29
  100%.
• 21:30
  And
• 21:30
  especially
• 21:31
  if
• 21:31
  you've
• 21:31
  grown
• 21:31
  up
• 21:31
  in
• 21:32
  those
• 21:32
  dysfunctional
• 21:32
  homes
• 21:33
  and
• 21:33
  then
• 21:33
  you
• 21:33
  come
• 21:33
  out,
• 21:33
  you've
• 21:34
  never
• 21:34
  won
• 21:34
  anything
• 21:34
  in
• 21:34
  your
• 21:34
  life.
• 21:35
  You're
• 21:35
  like,
• 21:35
  I'll
• 21:36
  be
• 21:36
  darned,
• 21:36
  like,
• 21:37
  I'm
• 21:37
  gonna
• 21:37
  take
• 21:37
  a
• 21:38
  little
• 21:38
  control.
• 21:38
  I
• 21:38
  mean,
• 21:39
  some
• 21:39
  people
• 21:39
  need
• 21:39
  that.
• 21:40
  Like,
• 21:40
  they
• 21:40
  need
• 21:40
  to
• 21:40
  feel
• 21:41
  that.
• 21:41
  But
• 21:41
  yeah,
• 21:41
  you're
• 21:42
  right.
• 21:42
  And
• 21:42
  looking
• 21:43
  back
• 21:43
  at
• 21:43
  the.
• 21:43
  The
• 21:44
  assignment
• 21:45
  was
• 21:45
  to
• 21:45
  touch
• 21:46
  as
• 21:46
  many
• 21:46
  times
• 21:46
  as
• 21:46
  you
• 21:47
  could.
• 21:47
  And
• 21:47
  it
• 21:47
  would
• 21:47
  have
• 21:47
  been
• 21:47
  easy.
• 21:48
  Like,
• 21:48
  hey,
• 21:48
  let's
• 21:48
  just
• 21:48
  take
• 21:49
  turns.
• 21:49
  Let's
• 21:49
  work
• 21:49
  together,
• 21:50
  let's
• 21:50
  do
• 21:50
  this.
• 21:50
  But
• 21:50
  yeah,
• 21:51
  you're
• 21:51
  right.
• 21:51
  Let's
• 21:51
  cooperate.
• 21:52
  Let's
• 21:52
  cooperate.
• 21:53
  And
• 21:54
  it's,
• 21:54
  it's
• 21:54
  not,
• 21:55
  it's.
• 21:55
  I
• 21:55
  mean,
• 21:56
  at
• 21:56
  the
• 21:56
  end
• 21:56
  of
• 21:56
  the
• 21:56
  day,
• 21:57
  we
• 21:57
  don't
• 21:57
  like
• 21:58
  being
• 21:58
  wrong,
• 21:58
  we
• 21:58
  don't
• 21:59
  like
• 21:59
  being
• 21:59
  beat.
• 22:00
  We
• 22:00
  don't.
• 22:00
  So
• 22:00
  it
• 22:01
  is
• 22:01
  a
• 22:01
  us,
• 22:02
  it's
• 22:02
  a
• 22:02
  we
• 22:02
  thing.
• 22:02
  When
• 22:03
  your
• 22:03
  pride
• 22:03
  is
• 22:03
  like
• 22:04
  that
• 22:04
  and
• 22:04
  your
• 22:04
  ego
• 22:04
  takes
• 22:05
  in
• 22:06
  and
• 22:06
  you
• 22:07
  don't
• 22:07
  look
• 22:07
  at
• 22:07
  it
• 22:07
  as
• 22:08
  a
• 22:08
  couple.
• 22:08
  Wow.
• 22:09
  So
• 22:09
  one
• 22:09
  of
• 22:10
  the
• 22:10
  things
• 22:10
  that
• 22:10
  all
• 22:10
  people
• 22:10
  often
• 22:11
  ask
• 22:11
  me
• 22:11
  if
• 22:11
  do
• 22:12
  I
• 22:12
  then
• 22:12
  therefore
• 22:13
  believe
• 22:13
  that
• 22:13
  couples
• 22:13
  shouldn't
• 22:14
  have
• 22:14
  any
• 22:14
  conflict?
• 22:16
  And
• 22:16
  that's
• 22:17
  an
• 22:17
  impossibility,
• 22:18
  but
• 22:18
  I
• 22:18
  believe
• 22:19
  the
• 22:19
  conflict
• 22:20
  should
• 22:20
  serve
• 22:20
  the
• 22:21
  purposes
• 22:21
  of
• 22:21
  the
• 22:22
  relationship.
• 22:23
  Instead
• 22:23
  of
• 22:23
  being
• 22:24
  my
• 22:24
  way
• 22:24
  of
• 22:24
  winning,
• 22:25
  it's
• 22:26
  our
• 22:26
  way
• 22:26
  of
• 22:27
  saying,
• 22:27
  hey,
• 22:27
  we're
• 22:27
  not
• 22:27
  on
• 22:28
  the
• 22:28
  same
• 22:28
  page.
• 22:28
  On
• 22:28
  that
• 22:28
  that's
• 22:29
  okay.
• 22:29
  That
• 22:29
  we're
• 22:29
  not
• 22:29
  on
• 22:30
  the
• 22:30
  same
• 22:30
  page.
• 22:30
  That's
• 22:30
  just
• 22:31
  how
• 22:31
  humans
• 22:31
  are.
• 22:32
  Yeah,
• 22:33
  but
• 22:33
  how
• 22:34
  can
• 22:34
  we
• 22:34
  talk
• 22:34
  through
• 22:35
  it
• 22:35
  so
• 22:35
  that
• 22:35
  our
• 22:36
  relationship
• 22:36
  is
• 22:37
  at
• 22:37
  a
• 22:37
  better
• 22:37
  place?
• 22:38
  Can
• 22:38
  we
• 22:38
  identify
• 22:39
  miscommunication
• 22:41
  points,
• 22:41
  misunderstandings?
• 22:42
  Can
• 22:42
  we
• 22:42
  identify
• 22:43
  places
• 22:43
  where
• 22:44
  we
• 22:44
  can
• 22:44
  come
• 22:44
  to
• 22:44
  a.
• 22:45
  Another
• 22:45
  conclusion?
• 22:46
  So
• 22:46
  I
• 22:46
  always
• 22:46
  think
• 22:47
  in
• 22:47
  third
• 22:48
  options,
• 22:49
  usually
• 22:49
  there's
• 22:50
  your
• 22:50
  opinion
• 22:51
  and
• 22:51
  my
• 22:51
  opinion,
• 22:52
  and
• 22:52
  there's
• 22:52
  almost
• 22:52
  always
• 22:53
  a
• 22:53
  third
• 22:53
  option
• 22:54
  that
• 22:54
  somehow
• 22:54
  brings
• 22:55
  those
• 22:55
  together
• 22:56
  and
• 22:56
  puts
• 22:57
  us
• 22:57
  to
• 22:57
  a
• 22:57
  better
• 22:57
  place.
• 22:58
  If
• 22:59
  you're
• 22:59
  used
• 22:59
  to
• 23:00
  conflict,
• 23:00
  though,
• 23:01
  rarely
• 23:01
  do
• 23:02
  you
• 23:02
  think
• 23:02
  of
• 23:02
  third
• 23:02
  option.
• 23:03
  You're
• 23:03
  thinking,
• 23:03
  I've
• 23:04
  got
• 23:04
  to
• 23:04
  win.
• 23:05
  Yeah,
• 23:06
  yeah.
• 23:06
  Because
• 23:07
  you,
• 23:07
  you
• 23:07
  want
• 23:07
  to
• 23:07
  be
• 23:08
  right
• 23:08
  and
• 23:08
  people
• 23:08
  want
• 23:09
  to
• 23:09
  win
• 23:09
  and
• 23:09
  dominate
• 23:10
  and
• 23:10
  that's
• 23:10
  just
• 23:11
  human
• 23:11
  nature.
• 23:13
  Yeah,
• 23:13
  it
• 23:13
  really
• 23:14
  is.
• 23:15
  Wow.
• 23:15
  Where
• 23:15
  were
• 23:16
  you
• 23:16
  for
• 23:16
  all
• 23:16
  these
• 23:16
  people?
• 23:16
  Like,
• 23:17
  why?
• 23:17
  Where
• 23:18
  were
• 23:18
  you
• 23:18
  20
• 23:18
  years
• 23:18
  ago?
• 23:18
  Where
• 23:19
  were
• 23:19
  you
• 23:19
  25
• 23:20
  years
• 23:20
  ago?
• 23:20
  For
• 23:20
  me,
• 23:20
  well,
• 23:21
  30
• 23:21
  would
• 23:21
  have
• 23:21
  been
• 23:21
  35
• 23:22
  years
• 23:22
  ago.
• 23:23
  That's
• 23:23
  funny.
• 23:24
  That's
• 23:24
  funny.
• 23:24
  But
• 23:25
  you,
• 23:25
  it
• 23:25
  is,
• 23:25
  it's.
• 23:26
  And
• 23:26
  it's.
• 23:26
  A
• 23:26
  lot
• 23:26
  of
• 23:27
  it
• 23:27
  is
• 23:27
  conditioning.
• 23:28
  A
• 23:28
  lot
• 23:28
  of
• 23:28
  it.
• 23:29
  You
• 23:29
  know,
• 23:29
  when
• 23:29
  I
• 23:29
  look
• 23:29
  at
• 23:30
  money
• 23:31
  things,
• 23:31
  I
• 23:31
  remember
• 23:31
  one
• 23:32
  of
• 23:32
  the
• 23:32
  biggest
• 23:32
  fights
• 23:32
  my
• 23:33
  parents
• 23:33
  ever
• 23:33
  had
• 23:33
  was
• 23:34
  my
• 23:34
  dad
• 23:34
  went
• 23:34
  on
• 23:34
  business
• 23:35
  trip,
• 23:35
  my
• 23:35
  mom
• 23:35
  went
• 23:36
  out,
• 23:36
  bought
• 23:36
  a
• 23:36
  house.
• 23:38
  That
• 23:38
  didn't
• 23:38
  go
• 23:38
  over
• 23:38
  so
• 23:39
  well.
• 23:40
  Yeah.
• 23:40
  So
• 23:41
  money
• 23:41
  was
• 23:42
  something.
• 23:43
  Decision.
• 23:44
  Yeah,
• 23:44
  money
• 23:45
  was.
• 23:45
  And
• 23:45
  my
• 23:46
  very
• 23:46
  first
• 23:46
  fight
• 23:46
  I
• 23:46
  had
• 23:47
  with
• 23:47
  my
• 23:47
  husband,
• 23:47
  he
• 23:48
  didn't
• 23:48
  ask
• 23:48
  me.
• 23:48
  He
• 23:48
  went
• 23:49
  out,
• 23:49
  bought
• 23:49
  a
• 23:49
  thirty
• 23:49
  thousand
• 23:49
  dollar
• 23:50
  Harley
• 23:50
  and
• 23:51
  I
• 23:51
  thought,
• 23:51
  okay,
• 23:52
  this
• 23:52
  is,
• 23:52
  wow,
• 23:52
  deja
• 23:53
  vu.
• 23:54
  Like,
• 23:54
  I
• 23:54
  can
• 23:54
  either
• 23:54
  get
• 23:54
  pissed
• 23:55
  off
• 23:55
  about
• 23:55
  this
• 23:56
  or
• 23:56
  I
• 23:56
  can
• 23:57
  have
• 23:57
  fun
• 23:57
  with
• 23:58
  this.
• 23:58
  So
• 23:58
  I
• 23:58
  went
• 23:58
  out
• 23:58
  and
• 23:59
  bought
• 23:59
  myself
• 23:59
  a
• 23:59
  motorcycle.
• 24:00
  Here
• 24:00
  you
• 24:00
  go.
• 24:01
  I
• 24:01
  didn't
• 24:01
  even
• 24:01
  know
• 24:01
  how
• 24:01
  to
• 24:01
  ride
• 24:02
  one,
• 24:02
  but
• 24:02
  I'm
• 24:02
  like,
• 24:02
  we
• 24:02
  can
• 24:03
  play
• 24:03
  this
• 24:03
  together.
• 24:04
  But
• 24:04
  you're
• 24:04
  right.
• 24:04
  Like
• 24:05
  those
• 24:05
  decisions
• 24:06
  and
• 24:06
  second
• 24:07
  marriage,
• 24:07
  same
• 24:07
  thing.
• 24:07
  I
• 24:08
  wanted
• 24:08
  to
• 24:08
  go
• 24:08
  to
• 24:08
  grad
• 24:08
  school.
• 24:09
  I
• 24:09
  didn't
• 24:09
  know
• 24:09
  if
• 24:09
  he
• 24:09
  was
• 24:10
  going
• 24:10
  to
• 24:10
  like
• 24:10
  that.
• 24:10
  So
• 24:10
  I
• 24:10
  went
• 24:11
  out
• 24:11
  and
• 24:11
  I
• 24:11
  signed
• 24:11
  up
• 24:11
  and
• 24:12
  I
• 24:12
  spent
• 24:13
  $58,000
• 24:14
  going
• 24:14
  to
• 24:14
  grad
• 24:14
  school
• 24:15
  without
• 24:15
  telling
• 24:15
  them.
• 24:17
  So
• 24:17
  yeah,
• 24:17
  you
• 24:18
  can.
• 24:18
  And
• 24:19
  that's
• 24:19
  all
• 24:19
  from.
• 24:20
  My
• 24:20
  parents
• 24:21
  fought
• 24:21
  about
• 24:21
  money
• 24:21
  all
• 24:22
  the
• 24:22
  time.
• 24:22
  It
• 24:22
  was
• 24:22
  like
• 24:23
  our
• 24:23
  biggest
• 24:23
  source
• 24:23
  of
• 24:24
  contention
• 24:24
  besides
• 24:24
  the
• 24:25
  alcohol.
• 24:25
  But
• 24:26
  money
• 24:26
  was
• 24:26
  a
• 24:26
  big
• 24:26
  issue.
• 24:27
  The
• 24:28
  issue
• 24:28
  behind
• 24:29
  that
• 24:29
  is
• 24:29
  control.
• 24:30
  There's
• 24:30
  a
• 24:31
  piece
• 24:31
  of
• 24:31
  that,
• 24:31
  that's
• 24:31
  control.
• 24:31
  Like
• 24:32
  who
• 24:32
  gets
• 24:32
  to
• 24:32
  control
• 24:32
  the
• 24:33
  spending?
• 24:34
  But
• 24:34
  behind
• 24:35
  all
• 24:35
  of
• 24:35
  that
• 24:35
  is
• 24:36
  how
• 24:36
  you
• 24:36
  view
• 24:37
  that
• 24:37
  money
• 24:37
  and
• 24:38
  what
• 24:38
  role
• 24:38
  it
• 24:38
  has.
• 24:38
  So
• 24:39
  the
• 24:40
  money
• 24:41
  psychology,
• 24:41
  people
• 24:41
  talk
• 24:42
  about
• 24:42
  mental
• 24:42
  accounting.
• 24:43
  Mental
• 24:44
  accounting
• 24:44
  is
• 24:44
  where
• 24:44
  you
• 24:44
  make
• 24:45
  divisions
• 24:45
  in
• 24:45
  your
• 24:46
  head
• 24:46
  where
• 24:46
  they
• 24:46
  are
• 24:46
  not
• 24:47
  actually
• 24:47
  there
• 24:48
  in
• 24:48
  reality.
• 24:49
  So
• 24:49
  we
• 24:49
  carve
• 24:50
  out
• 24:50
  things
• 24:50
  you
• 24:50
  know,
• 24:51
  we
• 24:51
  do
• 24:51
  it
• 24:52
  all
• 24:52
  the
• 24:52
  time
• 24:52
  with.
• 24:52
  With
• 24:53
  money.
• 24:53
  Like,
• 24:54
  my
• 24:54
  parents
• 24:55
  may
• 24:55
  give
• 24:55
  me
• 24:55
  a
• 24:56
  gift
• 24:56
  every
• 24:56
  Christmas
• 24:57
  of
• 24:57
  some
• 24:57
  money,
• 24:57
  and
• 24:57
  they're
• 24:58
  like,
• 24:58
  you
• 24:58
  know,
• 24:58
  spend
• 24:58
  it
• 24:58
  on
• 24:59
  something
• 24:59
  fun.
• 25:00
  I
• 25:00
  mean,
• 25:00
  how
• 25:01
  do
• 25:01
  I
• 25:01
  mark
• 25:01
  that
• 25:02
  money
• 25:02
  as
• 25:02
  the
• 25:02
  money
• 25:02
  I
• 25:03
  spent
• 25:03
  on
• 25:03
  this
• 25:03
  thing?
• 25:03
  Right?
• 25:04
  Because
• 25:04
  it
• 25:04
  just
• 25:04
  came
• 25:04
  into
• 25:05
  the
• 25:05
  pile
• 25:05
  of
• 25:05
  money
• 25:05
  and
• 25:06
  goes
• 25:06
  out
• 25:06
  the
• 25:06
  door.
• 25:06
  So
• 25:07
  but
• 25:07
  in
• 25:07
  my
• 25:07
  mind,
• 25:07
  mental
• 25:08
  accounting,
• 25:08
  I
• 25:08
  get
• 25:08
  to
• 25:08
  do
• 25:09
  that
• 25:09
  little
• 25:09
  thing
• 25:10
  with
• 25:10
  that.
• 25:11
  Couples
• 25:11
  do
• 25:11
  that
• 25:12
  all
• 25:12
  the
• 25:12
  time
• 25:13
  and
• 25:13
  they
• 25:13
  go,
• 25:14
  your
• 25:14
  money,
• 25:15
  my
• 25:15
  money.
• 25:16
  And
• 25:17
  the
• 25:17
  actuality
• 25:18
  of
• 25:18
  it
• 25:19
  is
• 25:19
  there
• 25:19
  are
• 25:19
  resources
• 25:20
  coming
• 25:20
  into
• 25:21
  your
• 25:21
  house,
• 25:21
  and
• 25:21
  there
• 25:22
  are
• 25:22
  resources
• 25:22
  going
• 25:22
  out
• 25:23
  of
• 25:23
  your
• 25:23
  house.
• 25:23
  That's
• 25:24
  all
• 25:24
  that
• 25:24
  matters.
• 25:25
  So
• 25:25
  when
• 25:25
  you
• 25:26
  and
• 25:26
  your
• 25:26
  ex
• 25:27
  husband,
• 25:27
  right,
• 25:27
  that
• 25:27
  spent
• 25:28
  the.
• 25:28
  Got
• 25:28
  the
• 25:28
  Harley's,
• 25:29
  right.
• 25:30
  So
• 25:30
  that.
• 25:30
  That
• 25:31
  meant
• 25:31
  that
• 25:31
  60,000
• 25:32
  went
• 25:32
  out
• 25:33
  of
• 25:33
  the
• 25:33
  household
• 25:34
  that
• 25:34
  was
• 25:34
  no
• 25:35
  longer
• 25:35
  available
• 25:35
  for
• 25:36
  whatever
• 25:36
  else
• 25:36
  it
• 25:36
  could
• 25:36
  have
• 25:37
  been
• 25:37
  available
• 25:37
  for
• 25:37
  as
• 25:38
  a
• 25:38
  joint
• 25:38
  decision.
• 25:39
  And
• 25:40
  so
• 25:42
  that
• 25:42
  not
• 25:42
  being
• 25:42
  a
• 25:42
  joint
• 25:43
  decision,
• 25:43
  you're
• 25:43
  going,
• 25:44
  suddenly
• 25:45
  we.
• 25:45
  I
• 25:45
  mean,
• 25:45
  the
• 25:46
  reality
• 25:46
  is
• 25:46
  there's
• 25:47
  $60,000
• 25:48
  less
• 25:48
  in
• 25:48
  resources
• 25:48
  or
• 25:49
  whatever
• 25:49
  it
• 25:49
  ended
• 25:49
  up
• 25:49
  being.
• 25:50
  Right.
• 25:50
  And.
• 25:50
  And
• 25:50
  so
• 25:51
  that
• 25:52
  process
• 25:52
  of
• 25:52
  not
• 25:53
  saying
• 25:53
  how
• 25:53
  do
• 25:54
  we
• 25:54
  want
• 25:54
  to
• 25:54
  handle
• 25:55
  our
• 25:55
  money?
• 25:56
  Leads
• 25:56
  to,
• 25:56
  I
• 25:57
  get
• 25:57
  to
• 25:57
  choose
• 25:58
  my
• 25:58
  money.
• 25:59
  It's
• 25:59
  not.
• 25:59
  It's
• 26:00
  our
• 26:00
  resource.
• 26:01
  Right?
• 26:01
  And
• 26:02
  so
• 26:02
  then
• 26:02
  you
• 26:02
  get
• 26:02
  stuck
• 26:03
  in
• 26:03
  this
• 26:03
  power
• 26:03
  struggle.
• 26:04
  And
• 26:05
  it's
• 26:06
  a
• 26:06
  typical
• 26:06
  one,
• 26:07
  especially
• 26:08
  when
• 26:08
  couples
• 26:09
  haven't
• 26:10
  adopted
• 26:10
  that
• 26:11
  our
• 26:11
  perspective
• 26:12
  or
• 26:12
  we
• 26:12
  perspective.
• 26:13
  When
• 26:14
  I
• 26:14
  was
• 26:14
  doing
• 26:14
  those
• 26:14
  premarital
• 26:15
  sessions,
• 26:16
  I
• 26:16
  would
• 26:16
  listen
• 26:16
  to
• 26:17
  the
• 26:17
  formulas
• 26:17
  people
• 26:17
  were
• 26:18
  coming
• 26:18
  in
• 26:18
  with
• 26:19
  on
• 26:19
  how
• 26:19
  they
• 26:19
  were
• 26:19
  going
• 26:19
  to
• 26:20
  break
• 26:20
  up
• 26:20
  bills,
• 26:20
  and
• 26:20
  I'm
• 26:21
  like,
• 26:22
  this
• 26:22
  is
• 26:22
  higher
• 26:23
  math.
• 26:23
  I
• 26:24
  mean,
• 26:24
  they
• 26:24
  came
• 26:24
  up
• 26:24
  with
• 26:24
  these
• 26:25
  calculations.
• 26:25
  And
• 26:26
  my
• 26:27
  simple
• 26:27
  question
• 26:27
  was,
• 26:28
  don't
• 26:28
  you
• 26:29
  just
• 26:29
  have
• 26:29
  expenses
• 26:30
  coming
• 26:30
  into
• 26:30
  the
• 26:31
  household
• 26:31
  and
• 26:31
  going
• 26:31
  out
• 26:32
  of
• 26:32
  the
• 26:32
  household?
• 26:32
  I
• 26:32
  mean,
• 26:32
  how
• 26:33
  you
• 26:33
  divide
• 26:33
  the
• 26:33
  money
• 26:33
  into
• 26:34
  accounts
• 26:35
  doesn't
• 26:35
  really
• 26:35
  matter.
• 26:35
  But
• 26:36
  how
• 26:36
  you
• 26:36
  think
• 26:36
  about
• 26:36
  it,
• 26:37
  that's
• 26:37
  what
• 26:37
  matters.
• 26:38
  And
• 26:39
  do
• 26:39
  we
• 26:39
  think
• 26:39
  about
• 26:39
  things
• 26:40
  from
• 26:40
  an
• 26:40
  our
• 26:40
  perspective,
• 26:41
  like
• 26:41
  our
• 26:42
  parenting,
• 26:43
  our
• 26:43
  family,
• 26:44
  our
• 26:45
  money,
• 26:46
  our
• 26:46
  sexual
• 26:47
  relationship?
• 26:47
  All
• 26:48
  of
• 26:48
  those
• 26:48
  pieces
• 26:48
  are
• 26:49
  important
• 26:50
  for
• 26:50
  couples
• 26:51
  to
• 26:51
  have
• 26:51
  an
• 26:51
  our
• 26:52
  mindset
• 26:52
  about
• 26:53
  so
• 26:53
  that
• 26:53
  you
• 26:53
  don't
• 26:54
  get
• 26:54
  stuck
• 26:54
  in
• 26:54
  the
• 26:55
  me
• 26:56
  you
• 26:56
  or
• 26:56
  me
• 26:56
  versus
• 26:57
  you
• 26:57
  breakdown
• 26:58
  that
• 26:58
  happens
• 26:59
  when
• 26:59
  it's.
• 26:59
  I
• 26:59
  want
• 27:00
  to
• 27:00
  make
• 27:00
  my
• 27:01
  decision
• 27:01
  about
• 27:02
  something
• 27:02
  that
• 27:02
  is
• 27:02
  actually
• 27:04
  hours
• 27:05
  right
• 27:06
  now.
• 27:06
  That
• 27:06
  makes
• 27:07
  total
• 27:07
  sense.
• 27:09
  So
• 27:10
  what
• 27:11
  do
• 27:11
  you
• 27:11
  do
• 27:11
  for
• 27:11
  people
• 27:13
  that
• 27:13
  are
• 27:14
  way
• 27:14
  into
• 27:14
  it?
• 27:15
  Like,
• 27:15
  I'm.
• 27:16
  I'm
• 27:16
  thinking
• 27:16
  about
• 27:17
  one
• 27:17
  of
• 27:17
  my
• 27:17
  clients,
• 27:17
  and
• 27:18
  I'm
• 27:18
  just
• 27:19
  hypothetically,
• 27:20
  like,
• 27:21
  do.
• 27:22
  Can
• 27:22
  all
• 27:22
  marriages
• 27:23
  be
• 27:23
  saved?
• 27:24
  No.
• 27:25
  No.
• 27:26
  The
• 27:26
  fact
• 27:27
  is
• 27:27
  that
• 27:27
  you
• 27:28
  can
• 27:28
  disconnect
• 27:28
  a
• 27:29
  relationship
• 27:29
  to
• 27:29
  the
• 27:29
  point
• 27:30
  where
• 27:30
  there's
• 27:30
  nothing
• 27:31
  left
• 27:31
  to
• 27:31
  revive.
• 27:32
  Um,
• 27:34
  at
• 27:34
  the
• 27:34
  same
• 27:34
  time,
• 27:35
  I
• 27:35
  say
• 27:35
  that
• 27:36
  the
• 27:36
  only
• 27:37
  way
• 27:37
  to
• 27:37
  determine
• 27:38
  whether
• 27:38
  a
• 27:38
  marriage
• 27:39
  can
• 27:39
  be
• 27:39
  saved
• 27:40
  is
• 27:40
  by
• 27:40
  trying
• 27:41
  to
• 27:41
  save
• 27:41
  it.
• 27:41
  Right.
• 27:42
  That's
• 27:42
  the
• 27:42
  only
• 27:42
  way.
• 27:43
  I've
• 27:43
  had
• 27:43
  many
• 27:43
  people
• 27:44
  come
• 27:44
  to
• 27:44
  me
• 27:44
  and
• 27:44
  say,
• 27:45
  you
• 27:45
  know,
• 27:45
  I
• 27:46
  will
• 27:46
  do
• 27:46
  everything
• 27:46
  you
• 27:46
  tell
• 27:47
  me,
• 27:47
  follow
• 27:47
  all
• 27:47
  your
• 27:47
  course,
• 27:48
  do
• 27:48
  whatever
• 27:49
  you
• 27:49
  say.
• 27:49
  If
• 27:50
  you
• 27:50
  can
• 27:50
  guarantee
• 27:50
  me
• 27:51
  that,
• 27:51
  I
• 27:51
  can
• 27:51
  say
• 27:51
  my
• 27:51
  marriage.
• 27:52
  My
• 27:53
  response
• 27:53
  is,
• 27:54
  I
• 27:54
  can
• 27:54
  guarantee
• 27:55
  you
• 27:55
  what
• 27:55
  will
• 27:55
  happen
• 27:56
  if
• 27:56
  you
• 27:56
  do
• 27:57
  not
• 27:57
  take
• 27:57
  action.
• 27:58
  Whether
• 27:58
  it's
• 27:58
  my
• 27:59
  action
• 27:59
  or
• 27:59
  not,
• 27:59
  I
• 28:00
  can
• 28:00
  guarantee
• 28:00
  you
• 28:00
  what
• 28:00
  happens
• 28:00
  if
• 28:01
  you
• 28:01
  don't,
• 28:01
  because
• 28:01
  you're
• 28:01
  already
• 28:02
  on
• 28:02
  that
• 28:02
  path.
• 28:03
  Right.
• 28:03
  But
• 28:04
  can
• 28:04
  you
• 28:05
  see
• 28:05
  a
• 28:06
  path
• 28:06
  to
• 28:06
  something
• 28:06
  better?
• 28:07
  The
• 28:07
  only
• 28:07
  way
• 28:08
  is
• 28:08
  by
• 28:08
  actually
• 28:08
  taking
• 28:09
  action.
• 28:09
  So,
• 28:10
  no,
• 28:10
  not
• 28:10
  every
• 28:10
  marriage
• 28:11
  can
• 28:11
  be
• 28:11
  saved.
• 28:11
  You
• 28:11
  can
• 28:12
  only
• 28:12
  find
• 28:12
  out
• 28:12
  by
• 28:12
  trying.
• 28:14
  And
• 28:14
  part
• 28:14
  of
• 28:14
  that
• 28:15
  trying
• 28:15
  is
• 28:16
  seeing
• 28:16
  a
• 28:17
  path
• 28:18
  to
• 28:18
  do
• 28:18
  that.
• 28:19
  So
• 28:19
  one
• 28:20
  of
• 28:20
  my
• 28:20
  things
• 28:20
  is
• 28:21
  to
• 28:21
  help
• 28:21
  people
• 28:21
  see
• 28:22
  a
• 28:22
  reasonable
• 28:23
  path,
• 28:24
  a
• 28:24
  useful
• 28:24
  path
• 28:25
  to
• 28:26
  the
• 28:26
  marriage
• 28:26
  they
• 28:26
  want.
• 28:27
  And
• 28:28
  that
• 28:28
  means
• 28:28
  that
• 28:29
  they
• 28:29
  find
• 28:29
  a
• 28:30
  way
• 28:30
  of
• 28:30
  pacing
• 28:30
  their
• 28:31
  response.
• 28:31
  Because
• 28:31
  many
• 28:32
  times
• 28:32
  when
• 28:32
  people
• 28:33
  decide
• 28:33
  they
• 28:33
  want
• 28:34
  to
• 28:34
  save
• 28:34
  their
• 28:34
  marriage,
• 28:35
  they.
• 28:35
  They'll
• 28:36
  say,
• 28:36
  I'm
• 28:36
  all
• 28:37
  in
• 28:37
  on
• 28:37
  this.
• 28:37
  And
• 28:37
  they'll
• 28:38
  do
• 28:38
  these
• 28:38
  huge
• 28:38
  things
• 28:39
  that
• 28:39
  the
• 28:39
  relationship
• 28:40
  can't
• 28:40
  manage.
• 28:41
  The
• 28:41
  disconnection
• 28:42
  is
• 28:42
  too
• 28:42
  great
• 28:43
  for
• 28:43
  that.
• 28:43
  So
• 28:43
  date
• 28:44
  night,
• 28:44
  marriage
• 28:45
  intensives,
• 28:46
  romantic
• 28:47
  weekends,
• 28:47
  all
• 28:47
  of
• 28:48
  those
• 28:48
  things.
• 28:49
  There's
• 28:50
  not
• 28:50
  enough
• 28:50
  there
• 28:50
  to
• 28:50
  hold
• 28:51
  it.
• 28:51
  And
• 28:51
  so
• 28:51
  all
• 28:51
  you're
• 28:52
  doing
• 28:52
  is
• 28:52
  chasing
• 28:53
  your
• 28:53
  partner.
• 28:53
  And
• 28:54
  when
• 28:54
  you
• 28:54
  chase
• 28:54
  they
• 28:55
  space,
• 28:56
  you
• 28:56
  gotta
• 28:56
  find
• 28:57
  a
• 28:57
  way
• 28:57
  of
• 28:57
  pacing
• 28:58
  yourself
• 28:58
  into
• 28:59
  the
• 28:59
  process
• 28:59
  to
• 29:00
  make
• 29:00
  sure
• 29:01
  that
• 29:01
  you're
• 29:01
  inviting
• 29:01
  them
• 29:02
  back
• 29:02
  into
• 29:02
  connection.
• 29:03
  The.
• 29:03
  The
• 29:04
  thing
• 29:04
  that
• 29:04
  most
• 29:04
  people
• 29:05
  don't
• 29:05
  recognize
• 29:06
  is
• 29:07
  because
• 29:07
  we
• 29:08
  are
• 29:08
  so
• 29:08
  deeply
• 29:08
  wired
• 29:08
  for
• 29:09
  connection,
• 29:09
  when
• 29:09
  we
• 29:10
  start
• 29:10
  getting
• 29:10
  connection,
• 29:11
  that
• 29:11
  feels
• 29:12
  really
• 29:12
  good,
• 29:13
  and
• 29:13
  we
• 29:13
  start
• 29:13
  opening
• 29:14
  up
• 29:14
  to
• 29:14
  more
• 29:15
  connections.
• 29:15
  So
• 29:15
  you're
• 29:16
  building
• 29:16
  that
• 29:16
  connection.
• 29:17
  You're
• 29:17
  trying
• 29:17
  to
• 29:17
  create
• 29:18
  a
• 29:18
  momentum.
• 29:19
  That's.
• 29:19
  That's
• 29:19
  the
• 29:19
  whole
• 29:20
  process.
• 29:20
  Can
• 29:20
  I
• 29:20
  build
• 29:20
  up
• 29:21
  the
• 29:21
  momentum
• 29:21
  until
• 29:22
  we're
• 29:22
  getting
• 29:22
  back
• 29:22
  to
• 29:23
  where
• 29:23
  we
• 29:23
  want
• 29:23
  to
• 29:23
  be?
• 29:24
  Right.
• 29:26
  Makes
• 29:26
  total
• 29:26
  sense.
• 29:27
  I
• 29:27
  hope
• 29:27
  everybody
• 29:28
  out
• 29:28
  there
• 29:28
  is
• 29:28
  listening
• 29:29
  this.
• 29:29
  Didn't
• 29:30
  know
• 29:30
  this
• 29:30
  is
• 29:30
  a
• 29:30
  marriage
• 29:31
  channel,
• 29:31
  Right?
• 29:33
  I've
• 29:33
  just
• 29:33
  had
• 29:33
  a
• 29:34
  couple.
• 29:34
  Like
• 29:34
  I
• 29:34
  said,
• 29:34
  I've
• 29:35
  had
• 29:35
  a
• 29:35
  couple
• 29:35
  of
• 29:35
  these
• 29:35
  in
• 29:35
  the
• 29:35
  last
• 29:36
  few
• 29:36
  months.
• 29:36
  I
• 29:36
  don't
• 29:37
  know
• 29:37
  why
• 29:37
  it
• 29:37
  just
• 29:37
  kind
• 29:37
  of
• 29:37
  all
• 29:38
  of
• 29:38
  a
• 29:38
  sudden
• 29:38
  they
• 29:38
  fall
• 29:38
  in
• 29:38
  my
• 29:39
  lap.
• 29:39
  And
• 29:39
  I
• 29:39
  love
• 29:39
  it
• 29:40
  because
• 29:40
  I
• 29:40
  love
• 29:40
  different
• 29:41
  perspectives
• 29:41
  on
• 29:41
  things.
• 29:42
  And
• 29:42
  this
• 29:42
  was
• 29:42
  so
• 29:43
  like,
• 29:43
  again,
• 29:44
  that's
• 29:45
  why
• 29:45
  we
• 29:45
  have
• 29:45
  coaches,
• 29:46
  therapists,
• 29:47
  mentors,
• 29:47
  whatever
• 29:48
  you
• 29:48
  want
• 29:48
  to
• 29:48
  call
• 29:48
  yourself.
• 29:49
  It
• 29:49
  doesn't
• 29:49
  matter.
• 29:49
  That's
• 29:49
  why
• 29:49
  we
• 29:50
  have
• 29:50
  people
• 29:50
  out
• 29:50
  there
• 29:50
  helping
• 29:51
  because
• 29:51
  you've
• 29:51
  been
• 29:51
  doing
• 29:52
  this.
• 29:52
  You
• 29:52
  see
• 29:52
  the
• 29:52
  big
• 29:53
  picture
• 29:53
  and
• 29:53
  you
• 29:53
  see
• 29:54
  thousands
• 29:54
  of
• 29:54
  cases,
• 29:56
  and
• 29:56
  you've
• 29:57
  noticed
• 29:57
  it's
• 29:57
  all
• 29:58
  boiled
• 29:58
  down
• 29:58
  to
• 29:58
  one
• 29:59
  thing.
• 29:59
  And
• 29:59
  it
• 30:00
  does
• 30:00
  make
• 30:00
  total
• 30:00
  sense
• 30:01
  too.
• 30:01
  Like,
• 30:02
  okay,
• 30:02
  we're
• 30:02
  going
• 30:02
  to
• 30:02
  start
• 30:03
  working
• 30:03
  on
• 30:03
  this,
• 30:05
  jumping
• 30:05
  right
• 30:06
  in
• 30:06
  and
• 30:06
  pretending
• 30:06
  like,
• 30:07
  okay,
• 30:07
  we're
• 30:07
  back
• 30:07
  to
• 30:08
  ground
• 30:08
  one
• 30:08
  on
• 30:09
  that
• 30:09
  day
• 30:09
  where
• 30:09
  we
• 30:09
  were
• 30:09
  totally
• 30:10
  infatuated
• 30:10
  with
• 30:11
  other
• 30:11
  and
• 30:11
  could
• 30:11
  talk
• 30:12
  about
• 30:12
  our
• 30:12
  dreams
• 30:12
  and
• 30:12
  everything.
• 30:13
  It's
• 30:13
  like,
• 30:13
  no,
• 30:13
  because
• 30:14
  there's
• 30:14
  a
• 30:14
  lot
• 30:14
  of
• 30:14
  things
• 30:15
  going
• 30:15
  on
• 30:15
  in
• 30:16
  between
• 30:16
  there.
• 30:16
  There's
• 30:16
  a
• 30:16
  lot
• 30:17
  of
• 30:17
  dreams
• 30:17
  that
• 30:17
  have
• 30:17
  been
• 30:17
  squashed.
• 30:18
  There's
• 30:18
  a
• 30:18
  lot,
• 30:18
  a
• 30:18
  lot
• 30:19
  of
• 30:19
  animosity,
• 30:20
  potentially.
• 30:21
  I'm
• 30:21
  not
• 30:21
  saying
• 30:22
  always,
• 30:22
  but
• 30:22
  yeah,
• 30:23
  usually
• 30:23
  if
• 30:23
  you
• 30:23
  get
• 30:23
  to
• 30:24
  that
• 30:24
  point
• 30:24
  where
• 30:24
  you're
• 30:24
  almost
• 30:25
  ready
• 30:25
  to
• 30:25
  walk
• 30:25
  away,
• 30:26
  there's
• 30:26
  a
• 30:26
  lot,
• 30:27
  a
• 30:27
  lot
• 30:28
  of
• 30:28
  little
• 30:28
  pieces.
• 30:29
  Can
• 30:30
  you
• 30:30
  give
• 30:30
  us
• 30:30
  some
• 30:30
  baby
• 30:31
  steps?
• 30:32
  Yes.
• 30:33
  Let
• 30:33
  me
• 30:33
  tie
• 30:34
  in
• 30:34
  on
• 30:34
  one
• 30:34
  little
• 30:34
  piece.
• 30:35
  You
• 30:35
  said.
• 30:35
  So
• 30:35
  the
• 30:36
  animosity
• 30:36
  you
• 30:36
  talked
• 30:37
  about.
• 30:37
  What's
• 30:38
  behind
• 30:38
  animosity?
• 30:39
  Animosity
• 30:39
  is
• 30:39
  another
• 30:40
  word
• 30:40
  for
• 30:40
  anger.
• 30:40
  And
• 30:40
  what's
• 30:41
  behind
• 30:41
  anger?
• 30:41
  Anger
• 30:42
  is.
• 30:42
  Behind
• 30:43
  is
• 30:43
  the
• 30:44
  outward
• 30:44
  emotion
• 30:45
  of
• 30:45
  hurt,
• 30:46
  fear,
• 30:46
  or
• 30:46
  threat.
• 30:47
  And
• 30:48
  so
• 30:48
  we're
• 30:48
  often
• 30:48
  hurt
• 30:49
  by
• 30:49
  what
• 30:49
  we're
• 30:49
  not
• 30:50
  getting
• 30:50
  from
• 30:50
  the
• 30:50
  spouse
• 30:51
  missing
• 30:51
  that
• 30:51
  they're
• 30:52
  hurt
• 30:52
  from
• 30:53
  what
• 30:53
  they're
• 30:53
  not
• 30:53
  getting
• 30:53
  from
• 30:54
  us.
• 30:54
  Right.
• 30:54
  So
• 30:54
  we
• 30:54
  have
• 30:55
  this
• 30:55
  joint
• 30:55
  hurt.
• 30:56
  And
• 30:56
  so
• 30:56
  a
• 30:57
  piece
• 30:57
  of
• 30:57
  it
• 30:57
  is,
• 30:57
  is
• 30:58
  being
• 30:58
  able
• 30:58
  to
• 30:58
  say,
• 30:59
  I'm
• 30:59
  going
• 30:59
  to
• 30:59
  let
• 30:59
  go
• 30:59
  of
• 31:00
  that.
• 31:00
  I'm
• 31:01
  not
• 31:01
  going
• 31:01
  to
• 31:01
  hold
• 31:01
  on
• 31:01
  to
• 31:01
  that.
• 31:01
  We
• 31:02
  have.
• 31:03
  We
• 31:03
  were
• 31:03
  doing
• 31:03
  what
• 31:04
  we
• 31:04
  knew
• 31:04
  to
• 31:04
  do,
• 31:05
  which
• 31:05
  for
• 31:06
  most
• 31:06
  people
• 31:06
  you're
• 31:06
  doing
• 31:07
  on
• 31:07
  the,
• 31:07
  on
• 31:07
  the
• 31:07
  job
• 31:08
  training,
• 31:08
  you
• 31:08
  know,
• 31:09
  in
• 31:09
  your
• 31:09
  marriage
• 31:09
  and
• 31:10
  the
• 31:10
  damage
• 31:10
  that
• 31:10
  comes
• 31:10
  with
• 31:11
  that.
• 31:11
  And
• 31:12
  so
• 31:12
  we
• 31:12
  were
• 31:12
  doing
• 31:12
  what
• 31:12
  we
• 31:12
  could
• 31:13
  with
• 31:13
  the
• 31:13
  resources
• 31:14
  we
• 31:14
  had.
• 31:15
  So
• 31:15
  now
• 31:15
  we
• 31:15
  find
• 31:15
  new
• 31:16
  resources.
• 31:16
  And
• 31:17
  one
• 31:17
  of
• 31:17
  those
• 31:18
  resources
• 31:18
  is
• 31:19
  to
• 31:19
  recognize
• 31:19
  that
• 31:20
  since
• 31:20
  you
• 31:20
  go
• 31:20
  in
• 31:21
  unprepared,
• 31:21
  the
• 31:21
  hurt
• 31:22
  is
• 31:22
  going
• 31:22
  to
• 31:22
  be
• 31:23
  a
• 31:23
  part
• 31:23
  of
• 31:23
  what
• 31:23
  you
• 31:23
  have
• 31:24
  to
• 31:24
  say.
• 31:24
  It's
• 31:25
  not
• 31:25
  worth
• 31:25
  it
• 31:25
  for
• 31:25
  me
• 31:25
  to
• 31:25
  hold
• 31:25
  on
• 31:26
  to
• 31:26
  that.
• 31:27
  I'm
• 31:27
  not
• 31:27
  going
• 31:27
  to
• 31:27
  get
• 31:27
  stuck
• 31:28
  reacting
• 31:28
  to
• 31:29
  my
• 31:29
  spouse.
• 31:29
  So
• 31:30
  reacting
• 31:30
  versus
• 31:31
  responding.
• 31:32
  Reacting
• 31:33
  is
• 31:33
  when
• 31:33
  you
• 31:33
  are
• 31:34
  meeting
• 31:34
  their
• 31:34
  anger
• 31:35
  with
• 31:35
  your
• 31:35
  anger
• 31:35
  instead
• 31:36
  of
• 31:36
  recognizing
• 31:37
  that
• 31:37
  their
• 31:37
  anger
• 31:37
  is
• 31:38
  hurt,
• 31:38
  for
• 31:38
  instance,
• 31:39
  and
• 31:40
  being
• 31:40
  able
• 31:40
  to
• 31:41
  speak
• 31:41
  into
• 31:41
  that
• 31:41
  and
• 31:42
  work
• 31:42
  on.
• 31:42
  So
• 31:43
  we,
• 31:43
  we
• 31:43
  labeled
• 31:44
  three
• 31:44
  levels
• 31:44
  of
• 31:44
  connection.
• 31:45
  I
• 31:45
  just
• 31:45
  named
• 31:47
  bullseyes
• 31:48
  to
• 31:48
  aim
• 31:48
  for.
• 31:49
  You
• 31:49
  know,
• 31:49
  how
• 31:50
  can
• 31:50
  you
• 31:50
  find
• 31:51
  a.
• 31:51
  An
• 31:51
  acceptable
• 31:52
  level
• 31:52
  of
• 31:53
  touch,
• 31:53
  of
• 31:54
  emotional
• 31:55
  connection,
• 31:55
  of
• 31:56
  spiritual
• 31:56
  connection?
• 31:56
  What.
• 31:57
  What
• 31:57
  will
• 31:57
  your
• 31:57
  spouse
• 31:58
  allow?
• 31:59
  And
• 32:00
  this
• 32:00
  is
• 32:00
  done
• 32:01
  invitationally.
• 32:02
  For
• 32:03
  instance,
• 32:04
  there
• 32:05
  are
• 32:05
  a
• 32:05
  lot
• 32:05
  of
• 32:05
  people
• 32:05
  who
• 32:06
  like
• 32:06
  with
• 32:06
  a
• 32:06
  touch,
• 32:07
  like,
• 32:07
  oh,
• 32:07
  I
• 32:07
  guess
• 32:08
  we
• 32:08
  just
• 32:08
  need
• 32:08
  to
• 32:08
  have
• 32:08
  sex.
• 32:09
  Well,
• 32:09
  your
• 32:09
  relationship
• 32:10
  may
• 32:10
  not
• 32:11
  be
• 32:11
  able
• 32:11
  to
• 32:11
  handle
• 32:12
  that
• 32:12
  with
• 32:12
  the
• 32:12
  disconnection,
• 32:14
  but
• 32:14
  can
• 32:14
  they
• 32:14
  handle
• 32:15
  a
• 32:15
  pat
• 32:15
  on
• 32:15
  the
• 32:15
  back
• 32:16
  as
• 32:16
  you
• 32:16
  go
• 32:16
  by
• 32:16
  a
• 32:16
  side
• 32:17
  Hug,
• 32:17
  a
• 32:18
  hand
• 32:18
  hold
• 32:18
  or
• 32:18
  a
• 32:18
  hand
• 32:19
  squeeze
• 32:19
  while
• 32:19
  you're
• 32:20
  watching
• 32:20
  TV
• 32:20
  or
• 32:21
  a
• 32:21
  pat
• 32:21
  on
• 32:21
  the
• 32:21
  leg,
• 32:22
  Something
• 32:22
  that
• 32:23
  will
• 32:23
  not
• 32:24
  put
• 32:24
  them
• 32:24
  into
• 32:25
  flight
• 32:25
  mode.
• 32:25
  Right.
• 32:26
  And
• 32:26
  so
• 32:26
  emotional
• 32:27
  connection.
• 32:28
  Can
• 32:28
  you
• 32:29
  make
• 32:29
  them
• 32:30
  feel
• 32:30
  and
• 32:31
  make.
• 32:31
  I'm
• 32:31
  being
• 32:32
  careful
• 32:32
  with
• 32:32
  that.
• 32:32
  But
• 32:32
  can
• 32:32
  you
• 32:33
  set
• 32:33
  it
• 32:34
  up
• 32:34
  so
• 32:34
  that
• 32:34
  you
• 32:35
  are
• 32:35
  showing
• 32:36
  your.
• 32:36
  Getting
• 32:37
  them,
• 32:37
  how
• 32:37
  you
• 32:38
  get
• 32:38
  them
• 32:38
  and
• 32:38
  understand
• 32:39
  them
• 32:39
  and
• 32:39
  ask
• 32:39
  them
• 32:40
  about
• 32:40
  their
• 32:40
  day.
• 32:40
  And
• 32:41
  when
• 32:41
  they.
• 32:41
  When
• 32:41
  you
• 32:41
  say,
• 32:42
  how
• 32:42
  was
• 32:42
  your
• 32:42
  day?
• 32:42
  And
• 32:42
  they
• 32:42
  say,
• 32:43
  I
• 32:43
  had
• 32:43
  a
• 32:43
  couple
• 32:43
  meetings.
• 32:44
  Oh,
• 32:44
  how'd
• 32:44
  the
• 32:44
  meetings
• 32:45
  go?
• 32:45
  What
• 32:45
  was
• 32:45
  good
• 32:45
  about
• 32:45
  them?
• 32:45
  What
• 32:46
  was
• 32:46
  bad
• 32:46
  about
• 32:46
  them?
• 32:46
  And
• 32:47
  you
• 32:47
  do
• 32:48
  lightweight
• 32:49
  connecting,
• 32:50
  right?
• 32:50
  This
• 32:50
  isn't
• 32:51
  the
• 32:51
  time
• 32:51
  to
• 32:51
  have
• 32:51
  the
• 32:51
  big
• 32:52
  relationship
• 32:52
  talk
• 32:53
  where
• 32:53
  you're
• 32:53
  going
• 32:53
  to
• 32:53
  convince
• 32:54
  them
• 32:54
  of
• 32:54
  anything
• 32:55
  that
• 32:55
  always
• 32:56
  backfires.
• 32:57
  Right?
• 32:57
  Spiritual
• 32:58
  connection,
• 32:59
  asking
• 32:59
  what
• 32:59
  they're
• 33:00
  hoping
• 33:00
  for
• 33:00
  down
• 33:00
  the
• 33:00
  road.
• 33:01
  You
• 33:01
  know,
• 33:01
  what.
• 33:01
  What
• 33:02
  excites
• 33:02
  you?
• 33:02
  What's.
• 33:03
  What
• 33:03
  do
• 33:03
  you
• 33:03
  hope
• 33:03
  for
• 33:03
  the
• 33:03
  next
• 33:04
  big
• 33:04
  thing?
• 33:04
  Anything
• 33:04
  you.
• 33:05
  You
• 33:05
  want
• 33:05
  to
• 33:06
  talk
• 33:06
  about
• 33:06
  so
• 33:06
  we
• 33:07
  can
• 33:07
  move
• 33:07
  to
• 33:07
  maybe
• 33:07
  a
• 33:08
  big
• 33:08
  vacation
• 33:08
  or
• 33:08
  maybe
• 33:09
  a
• 33:09
  new
• 33:09
  hobby
• 33:10
  or
• 33:11
  next
• 33:11
  stage
• 33:11
  of
• 33:11
  life
• 33:12
  or
• 33:12
  something
• 33:12
  that
• 33:13
  is
• 33:13
  a
• 33:13
  conversation
• 33:14
  starter.
• 33:14
  So
• 33:15
  that
• 33:15
  gives
• 33:15
  you
• 33:15
  the
• 33:15
  three
• 33:16
  bullseyes
• 33:16
  of
• 33:17
  what
• 33:17
  they
• 33:17
  can
• 33:17
  accept.
• 33:18
  But
• 33:19
  you
• 33:19
  have
• 33:19
  to
• 33:19
  make
• 33:19
  sure
• 33:19
  it's
• 33:19
  invitational,
• 33:20
  right?
• 33:21
  So
• 33:21
  that's
• 33:22
  why
• 33:22
  saying,
• 33:23
  well,
• 33:23
  we're
• 33:24
  going
• 33:24
  to
• 33:24
  do
• 33:24
  date
• 33:24
  night
• 33:25
  doesn't
• 33:25
  work.
• 33:25
  There's
• 33:26
  a
• 33:26
  lot
• 33:26
  of
• 33:26
  pressure
• 33:26
  on
• 33:27
  that.
• 33:27
  But
• 33:27
  to
• 33:28
  say,
• 33:28
  hey,
• 33:28
  I'm
• 33:29
  going
• 33:29
  to
• 33:29
  go
• 33:29
  grab
• 33:29
  a
• 33:29
  sandwich.
• 33:30
  Would
• 33:30
  you
• 33:30
  like
• 33:30
  to
• 33:30
  go
• 33:30
  with
• 33:31
  me?
• 33:31
  I
• 33:31
  got
• 33:31
  that
• 33:31
  new
• 33:31
  place
• 33:32
  uptown
• 33:32
  that
• 33:33
  I
• 33:33
  like
• 33:33
  to
• 33:33
  try
• 33:34
  out.
• 33:34
  Would
• 33:34
  you
• 33:34
  like
• 33:34
  to
• 33:34
  go
• 33:34
  with
• 33:34
  me?
• 33:35
  They
• 33:35
  can
• 33:35
  say,
• 33:35
  no,
• 33:37
  but
• 33:37
  it
• 33:37
  still
• 33:38
  feels
• 33:38
  like
• 33:39
  you
• 33:39
  cared
• 33:39
  enough
• 33:39
  to
• 33:40
  want
• 33:40
  them
• 33:40
  along.
• 33:40
  Which
• 33:41
  a
• 33:41
  lot
• 33:41
  of
• 33:41
  times
• 33:41
  people
• 33:42
  are
• 33:42
  surprised
• 33:42
  that
• 33:43
  their
• 33:43
  spouse
• 33:43
  that
• 33:43
  they've
• 33:44
  been
• 33:44
  feeling
• 33:44
  this
• 33:44
  animosity
• 33:45
  towards
• 33:46
  actually
• 33:46
  wants
• 33:46
  to
• 33:47
  do
• 33:47
  something
• 33:47
  with
• 33:47
  them.
• 33:48
  So
• 33:49
  you're.
• 33:50
  Even
• 33:50
  if
• 33:50
  they
• 33:50
  say,
• 33:51
  no,
• 33:51
  I'm
• 33:51
  good,
• 33:52
  you
• 33:52
  still
• 33:53
  have
• 33:53
  woven
• 33:53
  in
• 33:54
  a
• 33:54
  piece
• 33:54
  of
• 33:54
  connection.
• 33:55
  Right?
• 33:56
  I'm.
• 33:56
  Hey,
• 33:57
  I'm
• 33:57
  gonna
• 33:57
  go
• 33:57
  for
• 33:57
  a
• 33:57
  walk.
• 33:58
  Would
• 33:58
  you
• 33:58
  like
• 33:58
  to
• 33:58
  go
• 33:58
  with
• 33:58
  me?
• 33:59
  I'm
• 33:59
  going
• 33:59
  to
• 33:59
  the
• 33:59
  bookstore.
• 34:00
  Would
• 34:00
  you
• 34:00
  like
• 34:00
  to
• 34:00
  go
• 34:01
  with
• 34:01
  me?
• 34:01
  I'm
• 34:01
  going
• 34:01
  for
• 34:01
  a
• 34:01
  cup
• 34:01
  of
• 34:02
  coffee.
• 34:02
  I
• 34:02
  mean,
• 34:02
  it
• 34:02
  doesn't
• 34:02
  matter
• 34:03
  what
• 34:03
  that
• 34:03
  is,
• 34:03
  but
• 34:03
  if
• 34:03
  you
• 34:04
  set
• 34:04
  it
• 34:04
  up
• 34:04
  as
• 34:04
  an
• 34:04
  invitation
• 34:05
  that
• 34:05
  they
• 34:06
  can
• 34:06
  turn
• 34:06
  down
• 34:06
  and
• 34:07
  you
• 34:07
  still
• 34:07
  will
• 34:08
  do,
• 34:09
  then
• 34:09
  they
• 34:09
  understand
• 34:10
  that
• 34:10
  that
• 34:10
  was
• 34:10
  not
• 34:11
  a.
• 34:11
  A
• 34:12
  trick,
• 34:12
  right?
• 34:12
  That
• 34:13
  you
• 34:13
  can't
• 34:13
  make
• 34:13
  it.
• 34:14
  And
• 34:14
  so
• 34:14
  if
• 34:14
  you
• 34:15
  go,
• 34:15
  I'm
• 34:15
  gonna
• 34:15
  go
• 34:15
  grab
• 34:15
  a
• 34:16
  cup
• 34:16
  of
• 34:16
  coffee.
• 34:16
  Would
• 34:16
  you
• 34:16
  like
• 34:16
  to
• 34:16
  go
• 34:17
  with
• 34:17
  me?
• 34:17
  And
• 34:17
  they
• 34:17
  go,
• 34:17
  no.
• 34:18
  And
• 34:18
  you
• 34:18
  go,
• 34:18
  okay,
• 34:19
  well,
• 34:19
  I'm
• 34:19
  not
• 34:19
  either.
• 34:19
  That's.
• 34:20
  That
• 34:20
  is
• 34:20
  not
• 34:20
  what
• 34:21
  this
• 34:21
  is.
• 34:21
  This
• 34:21
  is
• 34:21
  truly
• 34:22
  an
• 34:22
  invitation.
• 34:22
  And
• 34:23
  you're
• 34:23
  gonna
• 34:23
  go
• 34:23
  do
• 34:23
  something.
• 34:24
  Right.
• 34:26
  So
• 34:26
  there
• 34:26
  are
• 34:26
  some
• 34:27
  other
• 34:27
  pieces
• 34:27
  to
• 34:27
  it.
• 34:27
  I
• 34:27
  mean,
• 34:27
  I
• 34:28
  always
• 34:28
  think
• 34:28
  that.
• 34:28
  So
• 34:28
  connection
• 34:29
  is
• 34:29
  one
• 34:29
  of
• 34:29
  my
• 34:30
  three
• 34:30
  Cs.
• 34:30
  Connections.
• 34:31
  Change.
• 34:32
  To
• 34:32
  look
• 34:32
  at
• 34:33
  yourself
• 34:33
  and
• 34:33
  say,
• 34:33
  where
• 34:33
  do
• 34:33
  I
• 34:33
  need
• 34:34
  to
• 34:34
  grow
• 34:34
  and
• 34:34
  change
• 34:34
  and
• 34:35
  expand
• 34:35
  myself?
• 34:35
  Is
• 34:36
  an
• 34:36
  important
• 34:36
  part,
• 34:36
  because
• 34:37
  I
• 34:37
  can
• 34:37
  be
• 34:37
  a
• 34:37
  better
• 34:37
  version
• 34:38
  of
• 34:38
  myself
• 34:39
  and
• 34:39
  then
• 34:39
  create.
• 34:40
  And
• 34:40
  that's
• 34:40
  creating
• 34:41
  a
• 34:41
  new
• 34:41
  path
• 34:41
  for
• 34:42
  your
• 34:42
  relationship
• 34:43
  of
• 34:43
  seeing
• 34:43
  it
• 34:43
  for
• 34:44
  yourself
• 34:44
  as
• 34:44
  a
• 34:44
  we.
• 34:45
  Those.
• 34:46
  The
• 34:46
  two
• 34:47
  of
• 34:47
  those,
• 34:47
  you
• 34:48
  can
• 34:48
  do
• 34:48
  no
• 34:48
  matter
• 34:48
  what
• 34:49
  how
• 34:49
  your
• 34:49
  spouse
• 34:50
  is
• 34:50
  responding.
• 34:50
  You
• 34:50
  can
• 34:50
  change
• 34:51
  yourself
• 34:51
  and
• 34:51
  grow
• 34:52
  and.
• 34:52
  And
• 34:52
  be
• 34:53
  better
• 34:53
  at
• 34:53
  regulating
• 34:54
  yourself,
• 34:54
  for
• 34:54
  instance.
• 34:54
  Be
• 34:55
  better
• 34:55
  at
• 34:55
  showing
• 34:56
  up,
• 34:56
  for
• 34:56
  instance.
• 34:57
  You
• 34:57
  can
• 34:57
  also
• 34:58
  be
• 34:58
  thinking
• 34:58
  about
• 34:59
  our
• 34:59
  money,
• 34:59
  our
• 35:00
  resource,
• 35:00
  our
• 35:00
  kids,
• 35:01
  our
• 35:01
  whatever,
• 35:02
  internally.
• 35:03
  And
• 35:04
  so
• 35:04
  then
• 35:04
  the.
• 35:04
  The
• 35:05
  connection
• 35:05
  piece
• 35:06
  is
• 35:06
  just
• 35:06
  trying
• 35:07
  to
• 35:07
  rebuild
• 35:07
  the
• 35:07
  connection
• 35:08
  a
• 35:08
  little
• 35:08
  at
• 35:08
  a
• 35:08
  time
• 35:09
  until
• 35:09
  it
• 35:09
  can
• 35:09
  sustain
• 35:10
  more
• 35:10
  connection.
• 35:12
  Nice.
• 35:13
  That's.
• 35:14
  That
• 35:14
  was
• 35:14
  helpful.
• 35:15
  So
• 35:15
  that
• 35:15
  wasn't
• 35:15
  just
• 35:15
  one
• 35:16
  tip.
• 35:16
  So
• 35:16
  I
• 35:16
  did
• 35:16
  ask
• 35:16
  for
• 35:17
  one.
• 35:17
  So.
• 35:17
  Wow,
• 35:18
  you
• 35:18
  nailed
• 35:18
  that.
• 35:18
  Thank
• 35:18
  you.
• 35:19
  One
• 35:20
  big
• 35:20
  long
• 35:20
  one.
• 35:21
  One
• 35:21
  big
• 35:21
  long
• 35:21
  one.
• 35:21
  Yeah.
• 35:22
  Well,
• 35:22
  and
• 35:22
  it
• 35:22
  makes
• 35:23
  sense.
• 35:23
  I
• 35:23
  mean,
• 35:23
  we.
• 35:24
  We're
• 35:24
  in
• 35:24
  a
• 35:24
  world
• 35:25
  of.
• 35:26
  First
• 35:26
  of
• 35:26
  all,
• 35:26
  I
• 35:26
  think
• 35:27
  we're
• 35:27
  in
• 35:27
  a
• 35:27
  world
• 35:27
  where
• 35:27
  it's
• 35:27
  too
• 35:28
  easy
• 35:28
  to
• 35:28
  get
• 35:28
  divorced.
• 35:29
  Like,
• 35:29
  we
• 35:29
  don't
• 35:29
  have.
• 35:30
  You
• 35:30
  know,
• 35:30
  I
• 35:30
  feel
• 35:30
  like
• 35:30
  there's
• 35:31
  just.
• 35:32
  I
• 35:32
  don't
• 35:33
  know
• 35:33
  why
• 35:33
  it
• 35:34
  changed
• 35:34
  or
• 35:34
  how
• 35:34
  it
• 35:34
  changed,
• 35:35
  but
• 35:35
  you
• 35:35
  look
• 35:35
  at
• 35:36
  parents,
• 35:36
  couples
• 35:37
  that
• 35:37
  are
• 35:38
  kind
• 35:38
  of
• 35:38
  miserable,
• 35:39
  but
• 35:39
  they're
• 35:40
  like,
• 35:40
  oh,
• 35:40
  no,
• 35:40
  we
• 35:40
  would
• 35:40
  never
• 35:41
  get
• 35:41
  divorced.
• 35:41
  And
• 35:42
  I
• 35:42
  kind
• 35:42
  of
• 35:42
  look
• 35:42
  at
• 35:43
  it
• 35:43
  the
• 35:43
  other
• 35:43
  way.
• 35:43
  Like,
• 35:43
  I'm
• 35:43
  like,
• 35:44
  I
• 35:44
  think
• 35:44
  everybody
• 35:44
  deserves
• 35:45
  to
• 35:45
  be
• 35:45
  happy.
• 35:45
  But
• 35:46
  I
• 35:46
  think
• 35:46
  that
• 35:46
  doesn't
• 35:47
  automatically.
• 35:48
  Shouldn't
• 35:48
  automatically
• 35:49
  move
• 35:49
  to,
• 35:49
  I
• 35:50
  deserve
• 35:50
  to
• 35:50
  be
• 35:50
  happy,
• 35:50
  so
• 35:51
  I'm
• 35:51
  leaving
• 35:52
  you.
• 35:53
  There's
• 35:54
  this.
• 35:54
  There
• 35:54
  should
• 35:55
  be
• 35:55
  some
• 35:55
  kind
• 35:55
  of
• 35:55
  draw
• 35:56
  to,
• 35:56
  I
• 35:57
  deserve
• 35:57
  to
• 35:57
  be
• 35:57
  happy,
• 35:58
  and
• 35:58
  I
• 35:58
  chose
• 35:59
  you
• 35:59
  to
• 35:59
  live
• 35:59
  about
• 36:00
  my
• 36:00
  life
• 36:00
  and
• 36:00
  be
• 36:00
  happy
• 36:01
  with.
• 36:01
  So
• 36:01
  let's
• 36:01
  figure
• 36:02
  this
• 36:02
  crap
• 36:02
  out.
• 36:03
  You
• 36:03
  know,
• 36:03
  I
• 36:03
  mean,
• 36:04
  I.
• 36:04
  You
• 36:05
  just
• 36:05
  named
• 36:05
  the
• 36:05
  third
• 36:05
  option,
• 36:06
  right?
• 36:06
  I
• 36:06
  talked
• 36:07
  about
• 36:07
  there
• 36:07
  are
• 36:08
  two
• 36:08
  op.
• 36:08
  And
• 36:08
  so
• 36:09
  I
• 36:09
  often
• 36:09
  have
• 36:09
  had
• 36:09
  people
• 36:09
  who
• 36:10
  like,
• 36:10
  okay,
• 36:10
  so
• 36:11
  you're
• 36:11
  telling
• 36:11
  me
• 36:11
  to
• 36:11
  stay
• 36:12
  married
• 36:12
  and
• 36:12
  be
• 36:13
  miserable,
• 36:14
  or
• 36:14
  I
• 36:14
  can
• 36:15
  leave
• 36:15
  and
• 36:15
  be
• 36:15
  happy.
• 36:15
  And
• 36:16
  I'm
• 36:16
  like,
• 36:16
  what's
• 36:16
  the
• 36:16
  third?
• 36:18
  Is
• 36:18
  it
• 36:18
  possible
• 36:18
  to
• 36:19
  stay
• 36:19
  married
• 36:19
  and
• 36:20
  be
• 36:20
  happy?
• 36:20
  Can
• 36:20
  you
• 36:21
  find
• 36:21
  a
• 36:21
  different
• 36:21
  relationship?
• 36:23
  Their
• 36:23
  response
• 36:24
  is
• 36:24
  usually,
• 36:24
  well,
• 36:24
  it's
• 36:24
  not
• 36:25
  work
• 36:25
  so
• 36:25
  far,
• 36:26
  because
• 36:26
  you
• 36:26
  haven't
• 36:27
  had
• 36:27
  a
• 36:27
  decent
• 36:27
  roadmap
• 36:28
  so
• 36:28
  far.
• 36:28
  Right?
• 36:29
  I
• 36:29
  mean,
• 36:29
  that's.
• 36:29
  It's
• 36:30
  kind
• 36:30
  of
• 36:30
  like
• 36:30
  if
• 36:30
  you're
• 36:30
  out
• 36:31
  in
• 36:31
  the
• 36:31
  desert
• 36:31
  and
• 36:31
  you're
• 36:31
  like,
• 36:32
  well,
• 36:32
  there's
• 36:32
  no
• 36:32
  way
• 36:32
  out
• 36:32
  of
• 36:32
  this
• 36:33
  desert.
• 36:34
  You
• 36:34
  don't
• 36:34
  have
• 36:35
  a
• 36:35
  map.
• 36:35
  If
• 36:36
  you
• 36:36
  have
• 36:36
  a
• 36:36
  map
• 36:36
  you
• 36:37
  might
• 36:37
  be
• 36:37
  able
• 36:37
  to
• 36:38
  find
• 36:38
  your
• 36:38
  way
• 36:38
  through,
• 36:39
  but
• 36:39
  so
• 36:40
  far,
• 36:40
  you've
• 36:40
  been
• 36:40
  driving
• 36:40
  in
• 36:41
  circles
• 36:41
  just
• 36:41
  because
• 36:42
  you
• 36:42
  didn't
• 36:42
  know
• 36:42
  better.
• 36:44
  And
• 36:44
  so
• 36:44
  part
• 36:44
  of
• 36:45
  the
• 36:45
  task
• 36:45
  is
• 36:45
  finding
• 36:46
  where
• 36:47
  there
• 36:47
  might
• 36:47
  be
• 36:47
  a
• 36:48
  decent
• 36:48
  map
• 36:49
  to
• 36:49
  get
• 36:49
  where
• 36:49
  you
• 36:49
  want
• 36:49
  to
• 36:50
  get
• 36:50
  to.
• 36:50
  And
• 36:50
  for
• 36:50
  me,
• 36:53
  having
• 36:53
  seen
• 36:53
  the
• 36:54
  damage
• 36:55
  of
• 36:55
  divorce,
• 36:56
  no
• 36:57
  matter.
• 36:58
  There
• 36:58
  are
• 36:58
  better
• 36:58
  ways
• 36:59
  of
• 36:59
  doing
• 36:59
  that,
• 36:59
  but
• 37:00
  divorces
• 37:01
  are
• 37:01
  damaging
• 37:01
  to
• 37:02
  family
• 37:02
  systems,
• 37:03
  no
• 37:03
  matter
• 37:03
  how
• 37:03
  we
• 37:03
  do
• 37:03
  it.
• 37:04
  They
• 37:04
  just
• 37:04
  are
• 37:04
  because
• 37:05
  you're.
• 37:05
  You're
• 37:06
  tearing
• 37:06
  apart
• 37:06
  something
• 37:07
  that
• 37:07
  you
• 37:07
  promise
• 37:07
  never
• 37:07
  to
• 37:08
  tear
• 37:08
  apart,
• 37:09
  and
• 37:09
  that
• 37:09
  has
• 37:09
  a
• 37:09
  psychological
• 37:10
  ramification
• 37:11
  to
• 37:11
  it.
• 37:12
  So
• 37:12
  we've
• 37:12
  got
• 37:13
  that
• 37:13
  piece.
• 37:13
  And
• 37:14
  so
• 37:14
  if
• 37:14
  we
• 37:14
  can
• 37:14
  have
• 37:15
  a
• 37:15
  roadmap
• 37:15
  to
• 37:16
  go,
• 37:16
  oh,
• 37:16
  well,
• 37:16
  let's
• 37:17
  make
• 37:17
  this
• 37:17
  good.
• 37:19
  Yeah.
• 37:19
  To
• 37:19
  me,
• 37:19
  that's
• 37:20
  a
• 37:20
  good
• 37:20
  option.
• 37:21
  Yeah.
• 37:22
  No,
• 37:22
  of
• 37:22
  course,
• 37:22
  it's
• 37:23
  always.
• 37:23
  I.
• 37:23
  I'd
• 37:24
  like
• 37:24
  to
• 37:24
  think
• 37:24
  that
• 37:24
  everybody
• 37:25
  at
• 37:25
  least
• 37:25
  try
• 37:25
  before
• 37:25
  they
• 37:26
  just
• 37:26
  walk
• 37:26
  out,
• 37:26
  you
• 37:27
  know,
• 37:27
  And.
• 37:27
  And
• 37:28
  also,
• 37:28
  it's
• 37:29
  different
• 37:29
  because
• 37:29
  who
• 37:30
  the
• 37:30
  person
• 37:30
  you
• 37:30
  were,
• 37:31
  I
• 37:31
  don't
• 37:31
  know,
• 37:32
  10,
• 37:32
  20,
• 37:32
  30,
• 37:32
  40
• 37:33
  years
• 37:33
  ago,
• 37:33
  is
• 37:33
  not
• 37:34
  the
• 37:34
  person
• 37:34
  you
• 37:34
  are
• 37:34
  today.
• 37:35
  It's
• 37:36
  you.
• 37:36
  And
• 37:36
  if
• 37:37
  you've
• 37:37
  disconnected,
• 37:38
  you
• 37:38
  don't
• 37:39
  notice
• 37:39
  that
• 37:39
  growth.
• 37:40
  Right.
• 37:40
  So
• 37:41
  you
• 37:41
  start
• 37:41
  here,
• 37:42
  and
• 37:42
  you're
• 37:42
  like,
• 37:42
  oh,
• 37:42
  we're
• 37:43
  just
• 37:43
  on
• 37:43
  the
• 37:43
  same
• 37:43
  page.
• 37:44
  And
• 37:44
  you
• 37:44
  keep
• 37:44
  thinking
• 37:44
  we're
• 37:45
  on
• 37:45
  the
• 37:45
  same
• 37:45
  page,
• 37:46
  but
• 37:46
  in
• 37:46
  reality,
• 37:47
  you're
• 37:47
  further
• 37:47
  and
• 37:48
  further
• 37:48
  apart,
• 37:48
  and
• 37:48
  you
• 37:49
  don't
• 37:49
  know
• 37:49
  it
• 37:49
  because
• 37:49
  you're
• 37:49
  not
• 37:50
  in
• 37:50
  that
• 37:50
  communication.
• 37:51
  So,
• 37:51
  yes,
• 37:51
  we
• 37:52
  are
• 37:52
  going
• 37:52
  to
• 37:52
  be
• 37:52
  different
• 37:52
  people.
• 37:53
  That
• 37:53
  is
• 37:54
  what
• 37:54
  growth
• 37:55
  is
• 37:55
  about.
• 37:55
  But
• 37:56
  if
• 37:56
  we've
• 37:56
  checked
• 37:56
  in
• 37:56
  and
• 37:57
  we
• 37:57
  know
• 37:57
  how
• 37:58
  we're
• 37:58
  both
• 37:58
  kind
• 37:58
  of
• 37:59
  becoming
• 37:59
  different,
• 38:00
  that's
• 38:00
  okay.
• 38:01
  That's.
• 38:02
  You're
• 38:02
  just
• 38:02
  finding
• 38:02
  this
• 38:03
  new
• 38:03
  person
• 38:03
  beside
• 38:03
  you
• 38:04
  who
• 38:04
  is
• 38:04
  the
• 38:04
  old
• 38:04
  partner,
• 38:05
  too,
• 38:06
  and
• 38:06
  then
• 38:06
  you
• 38:06
  march
• 38:07
  down
• 38:07
  together
• 38:07
  on
• 38:08
  that.
• 38:08
  It's.
• 38:09
  That
• 38:09
  doesn't
• 38:09
  mean
• 38:09
  you
• 38:10
  are
• 38:10
  lockstep.
• 38:10
  Just
• 38:10
  to
• 38:10
  be
• 38:11
  clear,
• 38:11
  I'm
• 38:11
  not
• 38:11
  saying
• 38:11
  that
• 38:12
  you
• 38:12
  have
• 38:12
  to
• 38:12
  see
• 38:12
  everything
• 38:13
  just
• 38:13
  alike.
• 38:13
  Not
• 38:14
  even
• 38:14
  in
• 38:14
  parenting.
• 38:14
  No.
• 38:15
  But
• 38:16
  to
• 38:16
  be
• 38:16
  able
• 38:16
  to
• 38:17
  have
• 38:17
  conversations
• 38:18
  about
• 38:18
  what's
• 38:19
  important
• 38:19
  to
• 38:19
  you
• 38:19
  and
• 38:20
  what's
• 38:20
  different
• 38:21
  for
• 38:21
  you
• 38:21
  is
• 38:21
  vital,
• 38:22
  because
• 38:22
  one
• 38:23
  day
• 38:23
  you
• 38:23
  turn
• 38:23
  around
• 38:23
  and
• 38:23
  go,
• 38:24
  who
• 38:24
  is
• 38:24
  the
• 38:24
  stranger?
• 38:25
  I
• 38:25
  didn't
• 38:25
  know
• 38:25
  they
• 38:25
  thought
• 38:26
  that.
• 38:26
  That's
• 38:27
  because
• 38:27
  you
• 38:27
  haven't
• 38:27
  checked
• 38:28
  in.
• 38:29
  Right,
• 38:30
  Right.
• 38:31
  Absolutely.
• 38:32
  Wow.
• 38:33
  Very,
• 38:33
  very
• 38:34
  enlighteningly.
• 38:36
  I
• 38:36
  love
• 38:36
  it.
• 38:37
  I
• 38:37
  love
• 38:37
  it.
• 38:38
  So
• 38:39
  you
• 38:39
  have
• 38:39
  obviously
• 38:40
  a
• 38:40
  lot
• 38:40
  of
• 38:40
  experience
• 38:40
  doing
• 38:41
  this.
• 38:41
  You
• 38:41
  have
• 38:41
  a
• 38:42
  very
• 38:42
  simple
• 38:42
  and
• 38:42
  nice
• 38:43
  way
• 38:43
  of
• 38:43
  explaining
• 38:44
  things.
• 38:44
  So
• 38:44
  I'm
• 38:45
  sure
• 38:45
  people
• 38:45
  would
• 38:45
  love
• 38:45
  to
• 38:46
  check
• 38:46
  in
• 38:46
  with
• 38:46
  you.
• 38:47
  How
• 38:47
  can
• 38:47
  they
• 38:48
  do
• 38:48
  that?
• 38:48
  The
• 38:48
  best
• 38:48
  and
• 38:49
  simplest
• 38:49
  way.
• 38:50
  Best
• 38:50
  and
• 38:50
  simplest
• 38:51
  way
• 38:51
  is
• 38:51
  to
• 38:51
  go
• 38:51
  to
• 38:51
  savethemarriage.com
• 38:53
  podcast
• 38:54
  here
• 38:54
  we
• 38:54
  are
• 38:54
  talking
• 38:55
  on
• 38:55
  a
• 38:55
  podcast,
• 38:56
  so
• 38:56
  savethemarriage.com
• 38:58
  podcast.
• 38:59
  That
• 38:59
  page
• 39:00
  gives
• 39:00
  you
• 39:00
  access
• 39:01
  to
• 39:01
  three
• 39:01
  different
• 39:02
  tools.
• 39:03
  One
• 39:03
  is
• 39:03
  the
• 39:03
  Save
• 39:03
  the
• 39:03
  Marriage
• 39:04
  system,
• 39:05
  which
• 39:05
  if
• 39:06
  you're
• 39:06
  in
• 39:06
  actual.
• 39:07
  In
• 39:07
  a
• 39:07
  marriage
• 39:08
  crisis,
• 39:08
  like,
• 39:08
  you
• 39:09
  see
• 39:09
  it's
• 39:09
  in
• 39:09
  trouble,
• 39:10
  you
• 39:11
  gotta
• 39:11
  stabilize
• 39:12
  it.
• 39:12
  So
• 39:12
  Save
• 39:12
  the
• 39:12
  Marriage
• 39:13
  is
• 39:13
  designed
• 39:13
  for
• 39:13
  stabilization.
• 39:15
  The
• 39:15
  other
• 39:15
  one
• 39:16
  is
• 39:16
  my
• 39:16
  Unpause
• 39:17
  app,
• 39:18
  which
• 39:18
  is
• 39:18
  designed
• 39:19
  for
• 39:19
  people
• 39:19
  who
• 39:19
  go,
• 39:19
  man,
• 39:20
  we've
• 39:20
  hit
• 39:20
  the
• 39:20
  pause
• 39:21
  button.
• 39:21
  We
• 39:21
  are.
• 39:22
  We
• 39:22
  need
• 39:22
  to
• 39:22
  change
• 39:22
  that,
• 39:23
  right?
• 39:23
  We're.
• 39:23
  We're
• 39:24
  not
• 39:24
  where
• 39:24
  we
• 39:24
  need
• 39:24
  to
• 39:24
  be.
• 39:24
  We're
• 39:25
  chronically
• 39:25
  unhappy.
• 39:26
  And
• 39:27
  so
• 39:27
  we
• 39:27
  need
• 39:27
  to
• 39:27
  work
• 39:27
  on
• 39:27
  that.
• 39:28
  So
• 39:28
  the
• 39:28
  Unpause
• 39:28
  app
• 39:29
  allows
• 39:29
  people
• 39:29
  to
• 39:30
  work
• 39:30
  on
• 39:30
  that
• 39:30
  in
• 39:30
  a
• 39:30
  very
• 39:30
  structured
• 39:31
  way.
• 39:31
  The
• 39:32
  other
• 39:32
  things
• 39:32
  on
• 39:32
  the
• 39:32
  page
• 39:33
  is
• 39:33
  some
• 39:33
  people
• 39:33
  don't
• 39:33
  know
• 39:34
  what's
• 39:34
  going
• 39:34
  on,
• 39:35
  and
• 39:35
  there's
• 39:35
  an
• 39:35
  assessment
• 39:36
  tool
• 39:36
  that
• 39:36
  they
• 39:36
  can
• 39:37
  use
• 39:37
  to
• 39:37
  figure
• 39:38
  out
• 39:38
  which
• 39:39
  it
• 39:39
  is.
• 39:40
  Green
• 39:40
  light,
• 39:40
  yellow
• 39:40
  light,
• 39:41
  red
• 39:41
  light.
• 39:41
  Red
• 39:41
  light
• 39:42
  doesn't
• 39:42
  mean
• 39:42
  there's
• 39:42
  no
• 39:42
  hope.
• 39:43
  It
• 39:43
  just
• 39:43
  means
• 39:43
  you
• 39:43
  really
• 39:44
  need
• 39:44
  to
• 39:44
  be
• 39:44
  cautious
• 39:45
  in
• 39:45
  your
• 39:45
  driving
• 39:46
  because
• 39:46
  there's
• 39:46
  some
• 39:46
  big
• 39:46
  issues
• 39:47
  there.
• 39:47
  Yellow
• 39:48
  means
• 39:48
  be
• 39:48
  aware
• 39:49
  of
• 39:49
  this.
• 39:49
  Right?
• 39:50
  It's
• 39:50
  going
• 39:50
  to
• 39:50
  take
• 39:51
  some
• 39:51
  pushing
• 39:51
  to
• 39:52
  get
• 39:52
  there.
• 39:52
  Green
• 39:52
  light.
• 39:53
  I
• 39:53
  mean,
• 39:54
  I'll
• 39:54
  throw
• 39:54
  you
• 39:54
  a
• 39:55
  book
• 39:55
  and,
• 39:55
  and
• 39:55
  you,
• 39:56
  you
• 39:56
  and
• 39:56
  your
• 39:56
  spouse
• 39:56
  can
• 39:57
  fly
• 39:57
  along.
• 39:58
  Right?
• 39:58
  There's.
• 39:58
  That's.
• 39:59
  It's
• 39:59
  all.
• 39:59
  You've
• 39:59
  got,
• 40:00
  the
• 40:00
  bases
• 40:00
  there.
• 40:00
  That
• 40:00
  is
• 40:01
  really
• 40:01
  green
• 40:01
  light.
• 40:01
  The
• 40:02
  Unpause
• 40:02
  app
• 40:03
  is
• 40:03
  perfect
• 40:03
  for
• 40:03
  red
• 40:04
  light.
• 40:05
  That
• 40:05
  Save
• 40:05
  the
• 40:06
  Marriage.
• 40:06
  Yellow
• 40:07
  could
• 40:08
  be
• 40:08
  either
• 40:08
  one,
• 40:08
  depending
• 40:09
  on
• 40:09
  what
• 40:09
  the
• 40:09
  outcome
• 40:10
  is.
• 40:10
  And
• 40:10
  so
• 40:10
  all
• 40:11
  three
• 40:11
  of
• 40:11
  Those
• 40:11
  are@savethemarriage.com.
• 40:13
  Podcast
• 40:14
  love
• 40:15
  it,
• 40:15
  love
• 40:15
  it,
• 40:15
  love
• 40:15
  it.
• 40:16
  Okay,
• 40:16
  well,
• 40:16
  this
• 40:17
  has
• 40:17
  been
• 40:17
  super,
• 40:17
  super
• 40:18
  fun
• 40:18
  having
• 40:18
  you
• 40:18
  on.
• 40:19
  I
• 40:19
  appreciate
• 40:19
  you
• 40:20
  so
• 40:20
  much.
• 40:21
  And
• 40:21
  before
• 40:21
  you
• 40:22
  leave,
• 40:22
  if
• 40:22
  you
• 40:22
  could
• 40:23
  leave
• 40:23
  the
• 40:23
  listeners
• 40:24
  with
• 40:25
  one
• 40:25
  big
• 40:26
  picture.
• 40:28
  Words
• 40:28
  of
• 40:28
  wisdom
• 40:30
  from
• 40:30
  Dr.
• 40:31
  Lee
• 40:31
  Balcom.
• 40:32
  If
• 40:33
  you're
• 40:33
  in
• 40:33
  a
• 40:33
  marriage.
• 40:33
  Yeah.
• 40:34
  If
• 40:34
  you're
• 40:34
  in
• 40:34
  a
• 40:34
  marriage,
• 40:34
  be
• 40:35
  on
• 40:35
  the
• 40:35
  team.
• 40:35
  I
• 40:35
  mean,
• 40:36
  that
• 40:36
  is,
• 40:36
  if
• 40:37
  you
• 40:37
  boil
• 40:37
  it
• 40:37
  down,
• 40:37
  be
• 40:37
  on
• 40:38
  the
• 40:38
  team
• 40:38
  and
• 40:38
  be
• 40:38
  the
• 40:39
  best
• 40:39
  player
• 40:39
  you
• 40:39
  can
• 40:40
  be
• 40:40
  on
• 40:40
  that
• 40:40
  team.
• 40:41
  Well,
• 40:42
  that
• 40:42
  was
• 40:42
  very
• 40:42
  simple.
• 40:44
  I
• 40:45
  try
• 40:45
  to
• 40:45
  be.
• 40:45
  Yeah.
• 40:46
  No,
• 40:46
  I
• 40:46
  love
• 40:46
  that.
• 40:47
  As
• 40:47
  I
• 40:47
  said,
• 40:47
  I
• 40:47
  love.
• 40:48
  You're
• 40:48
  just
• 40:49
  so
• 40:49
  profound.
• 40:50
  What
• 40:50
  you
• 40:50
  say
• 40:50
  is
• 40:50
  so
• 40:51
  profound,
• 40:51
  but
• 40:51
  in
• 40:51
  such
• 40:51
  a.
• 40:52
  Such
• 40:52
  a
• 40:52
  simplistic
• 40:53
  way
• 40:53
  that
• 40:54
  anybody
• 40:54
  can
• 40:54
  understand
• 40:55
  it.
• 40:55
  So
• 40:56
  for
• 40:56
  everybody
• 40:56
  out
• 40:57
  there
• 40:57
  listening,
• 40:58
  you
• 40:58
  heard
• 40:58
  it.
• 40:59
  Be
• 40:59
  on
• 40:59
  the
• 40:59
  team.
• 40:59
  It's
• 41:00
  a
• 41:00
  we
• 41:00
  world.
• 41:01
  It's
• 41:01
  not
• 41:01
  an
• 41:01
  I
• 41:02
  world.
• 41:02
  There's
• 41:02
  no
• 41:03
  I
• 41:03
  in
• 41:03
  team.
• 41:03
  How
• 41:04
  many
• 41:04
  times
• 41:04
  have
• 41:04
  we
• 41:04
  heard
• 41:05
  that?
• 41:05
  Right?
• 41:05
  No
• 41:05
  I
• 41:06
  in
• 41:06
  team.
• 41:06
  No
• 41:07
  I.
• 41:07
  And
• 41:07
  we.
• 41:08
  So
• 41:09
  take
• 41:10
  his
• 41:10
  suggestions.
• 41:11
  Listen
• 41:11
  to
• 41:12
  that.
• 41:12
  Be
• 41:12
  the
• 41:12
  absolute
• 41:13
  best
• 41:14
  person
• 41:14
  you
• 41:14
  can
• 41:14
  be.
• 41:15
  At
• 41:15
  all
• 41:15
  times
• 41:16
  because
• 41:16
  marriages
• 41:17
  are
• 41:17
  worth
• 41:17
  saving
• 41:17
  at
• 41:18
  the
• 41:18
  end
• 41:18
  of
• 41:18
  the
• 41:18
  day.
• 41:19
  So
• 41:19
  you
• 41:19
  all
• 41:19
  have
• 41:19
  a
• 41:20
  blessed
• 41:20
  day.
• 41:20
  Come
• 41:21
  back
• 41:21
  and
• 41:21
  see
• 41:21
  us.
• 41:21
  And
• 41:21
  we
• 41:22
  hope
• 41:22
  to
• 41:22
  see
• 41:22
  you
• 41:22
  soon.
• 41:23
  Bye.