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I'm Having an Affair with My Boss · Therapy Thursday with Ellen K

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: How long have you been saying him?
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: It's been about six months.
• 0:05
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 0:06
  Speaker 4: Do other people at work know that you and the
• 0:09
  Speaker 4: boss are have an affair?
• 0:12
  Speaker 5: I don't believe. So I haven't told anyone. And if
• 0:17
  Speaker 5: they know, they haven't said anything to me.
• 0:21
  Speaker 6: Are you willing to lose your job over this?
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: Therapy?
• 0:28
  Speaker 4: Thursday? Let's get some therapy today. We're going to talk
• 0:32
  Speaker 4: about affairs. Okay, No, and to the different kinds of affairs, right, Sarah,
• 0:38
  Speaker 4: you are a licensed therapist. You see all kinds of
• 0:41
  Speaker 4: affairs happening.
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: It comes up a lot.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: I mean, I think most people have either had an
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: affair or been cheated on at some point in their life.
• 0:52
  Speaker 4: Do you think it's an honest thing to say? Do
• 0:55
  Speaker 4: you think it's a real thing to say that every
• 0:57
  Speaker 4: girl in the world has been cheated on?
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Oh?
• 1:02
  Speaker 5: God?
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Either I'm gonna go back to what I said, either
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: been cheated on or has cheated on someone?
• 1:08
  Speaker 4: Okay, because it really is about half and half.
• 1:12
  Speaker 6: Its to some infidelity has touched everybody at some time.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: I think, so, I would say, So, what do you.
• 1:17
  Speaker 4: Think I think it starts early in elementary school when
• 1:20
  Speaker 4: you know you've got to crush on someone and then
• 1:21
  Speaker 4: someone else steals him from.
• 1:23
  Speaker 6: You when as a therapist and you you just kind
• 1:26
  Speaker 6: of lit up when Ellen brought up in fidelity, like
• 1:27
  Speaker 6: do you go to work thinking like, oh God, I
• 1:29
  Speaker 6: hope I get some cheatings today, or you know, like
• 1:32
  Speaker 6: when you go when you're like a skill wants to
• 1:33
  Speaker 6: talk about money and his cousin what it's.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: Like, But I hope I get some salacious material today.
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: The people on parking, No, seriously, do you feel? Do
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: you feel?
• 1:43
  Speaker 6: Do you like those conversations better?
• 1:46
  Speaker 5: Well?
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: They are interesting.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: Affairs are interesting because they reveal so much about us.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: They reveal things about the other people, our views on life,
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: our views on fidelity, monogamy.
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: It's very rich.
• 1:56
  Speaker 4: Why people have affairs a.
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: Couple of different reasons.
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: I love this, ques No, I do.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: It's like I love it because there's I've actually touched
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: on the concept of the maintenance affair in the past.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: The maintenance affair. It makes the marriage viable. It fells
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: in gaps, and if someone weren't having an affair, they
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: would actually be more likely to leave their marriage. Think
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: about it.
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: It serves a function.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: Okay, so there's that, and then we have the exit affair.
• 2:29
  Speaker 4: I'm too I'm too much of a chicken to break
• 2:31
  Speaker 4: up with you, So I'm going to cheat on you.
• 2:33
  Speaker 4: You're going to catch me, and then we're going to
• 2:34
  Speaker 4: be over.
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: That can be one reason.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: The exit affair can also tell us that something's missing.
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: It gives us.
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: That reason to leave.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: It usually happens when we kind of have one foot
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: out the door already, and.
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: It just gives us that little bit of inspiration.
• 2:53
  Speaker 4: When a partnership doesn't work out, Sarah and there's been infidelity,
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: do you say sometimes say thank God because they were
• 3:02
  Speaker 4: not right for each other.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: I never say thank God because of the pain that
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: ensues with an affair often, But I mean, there have
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: been times when I'm glad that somebody is taking the
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: step to exit a relationship that's clearly not working for
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: other people. Ideally that's not through an affair. Ideally that
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: I realized this relationship is no longer Bible, so I'm
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: going to take steps to exit. But you know, sometimes
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I think there is a sense that two.
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: People aren't meant to be together.
• 3:33
  Speaker 4: Okay, does that make sense? Yeah? Total, everything you say
• 3:37
  Speaker 4: makes sense to me. Let's go to Porsia Hi Porsche Hello,
• 3:42
  Speaker 4: Hey Porsche. You're on with Sarah Dash and Ryan Mannow
• 3:45
  Speaker 4: and myself. I'm ellan Hi.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm nervous to talk about this.
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: What's going on?
• 3:55
  Speaker 5: I have fallen in love with my boss. Okay, So,
• 4:00
  Speaker 5: like he's the chief physician at the Mets ball I
• 4:04
  Speaker 5: work at, and I'm the concierge and like patiently a liaison.
• 4:10
  Speaker 5: He has told me that his marriage has been over
• 4:14
  Speaker 5: for a really long time and that like I'm the
• 4:17
  Speaker 5: first person who's made him feel.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: Alive in years.
• 4:20
  Speaker 5: Okay, and that you know that he's planning on leaving
• 4:23
  Speaker 5: his wife to be with me, but he's also has
• 4:27
  Speaker 5: a six year old daughter.
• 4:31
  Speaker 4: Can I say something real quick? This is just something
• 4:33
  Speaker 4: I've noticed is my years in radio, when people end
• 4:36
  Speaker 4: their sentences going up, they're totally unsure and almost like
• 4:42
  Speaker 4: insecure and unsure about what is happening.
• 4:47
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 4:47
  Speaker 5: Yeah, it's just like I love him, but I feel
• 4:51
  Speaker 5: just like kind of sick thinking about like this little
• 4:54
  Speaker 5: girl that like is going to lose her family because
• 4:58
  Speaker 5: of me. But like I also can't imagine not being
• 5:02
  Speaker 5: with him.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: Portia, how long have you been saying him?
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: It's been about six months?
• 5:10
  Speaker 4: Okay, do other people at work know that you and
• 5:13
  Speaker 4: the boss are haveing an affair.
• 5:17
  Speaker 5: I don't believe, so I haven't. I haven't told anyone,
• 5:21
  Speaker 5: and if they know, they haven't said anything to me.
• 5:24
  Speaker 6: Okay, are you willing to lose your job over this?
• 5:28
  Speaker 6: Because that's that's a possibility. As I'm listening to you,
• 5:30
  Speaker 6: Oh you are okay?
• 5:32
  Speaker 4: Is he willing to lose his family over you?
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: He says he is.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: That.
• 5:40
  Speaker 5: I that's where it's like tricky. It's like I want
• 5:44
  Speaker 5: him to be with me, but I don't want I
• 5:45
  Speaker 5: don't want to be the cause of like this pain
• 5:49
  Speaker 5: and trauma for this little girl, you know, and like
• 5:52
  Speaker 5: I feel sick, but like I also just like I
• 5:54
  Speaker 5: don't know if I can be the one to walk away.
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: I mean, like you need to stop now, the break
• 5:59
  Speaker 4: up with him? Right now. We'll call him Sarah, will
• 6:02
  Speaker 4: tell him the bad news is over.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Has he taken concrete steps to leave his marriage? And
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: when I say concrete steps, I mean consulting an attorney
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: telling his wife that he no longer wants to be married,
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: that type of concrete step.
• 6:17
  Speaker 5: He has said that he has looked into attorneys. I
• 6:20
  Speaker 5: don't know if he has made.
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: Any calls, Okay, Sarah? Is six months enough for them
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: to even really know each other.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: I think that people who are unavailable are particularly compelling
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: because part of that relationship exists in fantasy, and I'm
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: always curious if that might be going on here, Like
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: how often are you seeing each other?
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: Do you work together every day? Are you having every
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: guts away?
• 6:48
  Speaker 5: Yes?
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: How much a fair time?
• 6:51
  Speaker 5: Have you?
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: Have you clocked with this guy?
• 6:55
  Speaker 5: I would say that we I mean we see each
• 7:00
  Speaker 5: every day at work, and I would say that we
• 7:02
  Speaker 5: see each other three times a week outside of work,
• 7:07
  Speaker 5: and then like probably one weekend every month, every other month,
• 7:12
  Speaker 5: depending on like scheduling, like at.
• 7:16
  Speaker 6: Your place at a hotel? Are you are you banging
• 7:19
  Speaker 6: in a car?
• 7:20
  Speaker 4: Like what do you do where you ryan bagging?
• 7:23
  Speaker 5: I'd rather not give explicit Okay, I shouldn't have said that,
• 7:28
  Speaker 5: are you liaising in a car?
• 7:30
  Speaker 4: I ask you this? Do you go get waxed regularly?
• 7:34
  Speaker 5: Right?
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: I do? So?
• 7:38
  Speaker 6: I guess what is what? What is your biggest like
• 7:40
  Speaker 6: what's your primary concern here? What is it? Is it
• 7:42
  Speaker 6: the daughter? Is it that you don't think he's gonna leave?
• 7:45
  Speaker 6: Is it that your job now is tricky? Like, what's
• 7:48
  Speaker 6: is it?
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: All of it?
• 7:49
  Speaker 5: Like? Am I a terrible person for wanting this man
• 7:53
  Speaker 5: and like wanting this relationship?
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: Look, I don't think.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: Okay, first of all, are they're a terrible person or not?
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Isn't really a useful question. I mean, I hate to
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: say it like that, but that's kind of I understand
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: why you're asking that, but that's not really the point.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: The point is that I hear that you're doing something
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: that's not in alignment with your core values.
• 8:18
  Speaker 5: M m.
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: And maybe it's not just hurting the six year old girl.
• 8:25
  Speaker 4: Maybe it's hurting the girl in you and that you
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: you really you know it's wrong. Ooh ooh.
• 8:35
  Speaker 5: I didn't think about it like that.
• 8:38
  Speaker 6: I don't think you have to. In this could be
• 8:40
  Speaker 6: an unpopular opinion, I feel like, as it relates to
• 8:42
  Speaker 6: this girl, you don't have any guilt in my opinion
• 8:46
  Speaker 6: over this. You're not responsible for changing her life or
• 8:48
  Speaker 6: fixing her life. Her dad is not you, that's my
• 8:53
  Speaker 6: that's a me thing.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: And you know what, he is the married firston and
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: he's also her boss.
• 8:56
  Speaker 6: That's what I'm saying.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: Definitely has the burden of the heavier boundary.
• 9:01
  Speaker 6: And that's her. That's this girl's dad. He will do
• 9:04
  Speaker 6: what is right for his kids, be it now or
• 9:07
  Speaker 6: down the line. If he loves his daughter, he's going
• 9:09
  Speaker 6: to do the right thing for his daughter. But I
• 9:11
  Speaker 6: really don't think you should, like, you know, bear a
• 9:13
  Speaker 6: lot of that guilt right now.
• 9:16
  Speaker 5: But also I guess like if we if we stay
• 9:19
  Speaker 5: together and he leaves his wife and we you know,
• 9:22
  Speaker 5: make this a permanent official thing, like years down the line,
• 9:28
  Speaker 5: and is it all going to just blow up in
• 9:30
  Speaker 5: my face?
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 9:31
  Speaker 6: But that's with any relationship, isn't it. We never know and.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: When affairs, but when a relationship begins with an affair,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: there is a substantially higher chance that that relationship too
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: will end. I mean, that's that's statistics.
• 9:46
  Speaker 4: It starts as the way it ends totally.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: And but if we don't know that, that's necessarily going
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: to be the case with you. But I think it
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: is important to know that that is a possibility. And
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: I think you're already sensing that. I mean you already
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: said that.
• 10:00
  Speaker 4: Yeah, did you grow up in a blended family?
• 10:04
  Speaker 5: I did?
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: Yeah? And how did that go? Did someone have an affair?
• 10:09
  Speaker 5: Yes?
• 10:11
  Speaker 4: Was it your dad or your mom? The oh they
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: both did.
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: Did they stay with their affair partners?
• 10:18
  Speaker 5: No?
• 10:19
  Speaker 6: Oh, neither neither.
• 10:21
  Speaker 4: There's more fear right there.
• 10:22
  Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, have you met the daughter?
• 10:28
  Speaker 5: I have not?
• 10:30
  Speaker 4: Okay, I kind of like that a line to that's.
• 10:32
  Speaker 5: The line I won't cross and tell like we have
• 10:40
  Speaker 5: a concrete like only us relationship.
• 10:43
  Speaker 6: And even then I think it takes some time, like
• 10:45
  Speaker 6: I'm i'm I'm in a relationship now for some time
• 10:49
  Speaker 6: with a mom. And when I sleep over and the
• 10:51
  Speaker 6: kids are there, I still sleep on the couch because
• 10:54
  Speaker 6: I think that's the nice thing, that's the right thing to.
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: That's where she went to.
• 10:57
  Speaker 7: Actually, that's good, laugh, I do.
• 11:08
  Speaker 6: Here's one other thought I just had. I think that
• 11:10
  Speaker 6: if you're having a problem with this and he's the
• 11:12
  Speaker 6: right person, he'll do the right thing in the right
• 11:14
  Speaker 6: order for you. Because he's making this is making you uncomfortable.
• 11:19
  Speaker 6: We can hear it.
• 11:20
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, And.
• 11:22
  Speaker 6: So maybe your feelings came at the wrong time, but
• 11:24
  Speaker 6: if he is the right one, the right thing will happen, yeah,
• 11:27
  Speaker 6: in the right way.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Because it's not always convenient. I mean, we don't fall
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: in love with convenient people. We don't necessarily fall in
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: love at the convenient times. But I do hear that
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: you have a really deep attachment to him. But yeah,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: I mean, but the ball's kind of in his court.
• 11:43
  Speaker 6: It's not the only place the ball learn Oh right,
• 11:49
  Speaker 6: Hey what about this?
• 11:50
  Speaker 4: And Sarah, what do you think of this? Imagine your
• 11:53
  Speaker 4: life without him and the freedom that you would have
• 11:57
  Speaker 4: to go meet someone who doesn't have all these problems
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: and who's not your boss and whose little girl you
• 12:05
  Speaker 4: wouldn't be risking of hurting. Like, if you didn't have
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: any of that in your mind, how would that feel?
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: You just porsche out in the world with all these possibilities. Like,
• 12:18
  Speaker 4: I just feel like Carrie, if you could get out
• 12:20
  Speaker 4: of your mind and world carry was scary.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: I just I it just it seems so vulnerable.
• 12:32
  Speaker 4: I don't know, Like, have you ever been alone?
• 12:38
  Speaker 5: No?
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, So what was your relationship situation before you met
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: this man?
• 12:47
  Speaker 5: I had a partner for many years, and I mean, like,
• 12:54
  Speaker 5: we we broke up not too long after I started
• 13:00
  Speaker 5: did work my new job where I met my boss.
• 13:04
  Speaker 5: We didn't start anything. I didn't start anything with my boss.
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: Wow, I was were you attracted to your boss?
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: Is that part of what ended in this relationship.
• 13:14
  Speaker 5: Okay, I yeah, I think I realized that, like I
• 13:17
  Speaker 5: wasn't getting that there wasn't as much of a connection there,
• 13:22
  Speaker 5: and I was looking forward to being at work more
• 13:24
  Speaker 5: than I was looking forward to being at home, and
• 13:27
  Speaker 5: and that it just wasn't the right person.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: And so it highlighted for you what was missing in
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: your relationship.
• 13:35
  Speaker 4: Yeah, got it? Okay?
• 13:37
  Speaker 6: Would you just and I know I know that the
• 13:39
  Speaker 6: answer already, but maybe you'll think about this. Would you
• 13:42
  Speaker 6: feel the same about this guy if he wasn't your boss,
• 13:45
  Speaker 6: if you just met him, I don't know, at a
• 13:47
  Speaker 6: happy hour and you guys talked for forty minutes or
• 13:50
  Speaker 6: something like, would you would you still have the same feeling?
• 13:54
  Speaker 6: Or is it? Did it happen because he's your boss
• 13:56
  Speaker 6: and you you see him every day. It's almost like
• 13:58
  Speaker 6: the prison philosophy, right someone, if you're in prison and
• 14:02
  Speaker 6: you see this prison guard walk by every day and
• 14:04
  Speaker 6: she's a woman, yeah, and you might not like her
• 14:06
  Speaker 6: out in the world right now, she's looking real case,
• 14:11
  Speaker 6: is that what it is like?
• 14:12
  Speaker 5: Is it?
• 14:13
  Speaker 6: Are you just attracted to the I don't know.
• 14:17
  Speaker 5: I feel like I definitely grew more of an attachment
• 14:20
  Speaker 5: to him the longer I was around him, but I
• 14:23
  Speaker 5: just assumed it was because I was getting to know
• 14:26
  Speaker 5: him more. And you know, but now I'm really questioning it.
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: Okay. I was a little bit earlier.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: I was talking about the concept of maintenance affair versus
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: exit affair.
• 14:40
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: Although you did not leave your partnership for him, this
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: has exit affair vibe. It lets you know what was
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: missing in your relationship. It energized you. You saw what
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: could be possible with somebody else.
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: Okay. For him, I wonder if it's exit or maintenance.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: Are you filling in gaps in his marriage?
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: Because I hear that.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: He's saying that he's leaving, But as you said, he
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: makes kind of a vague reference to meeting with an attorney,
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: but I don't hear concrete steps to legitimize your relationship
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: with him.
• 15:14
  Speaker 4: Yeah, you're right, it's pretty young, six months, isn't that. Lone.
• 15:20
  Speaker 4: I had a girlfriend who she used in a relationship
• 15:24
  Speaker 4: and then the guy she met was in a relationship
• 15:26
  Speaker 4: in a marriage, okay, and he used this line on her,
• 15:30
  Speaker 4: And I'm wondering for she. If you hear this from
• 15:31
  Speaker 4: your married guy, you deserve so much better. Yeah, does
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: that happen a lot, Sarah? Like that the enticer.
• 15:42
  Speaker 5: Is like, you do somebody who can you know, do
• 15:47
  Speaker 5: these things with you and take you out in public?
• 15:49
  Speaker 5: And definitely yeah.
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: I mean he went so far as to say, why
• 15:54
  Speaker 4: are you with a guy who wears logos on his
• 15:56
  Speaker 4: T shirts?
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: So that was part of the seduction?
• 15:59
  Speaker 4: Yes?
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: Interesting?
• 16:02
  Speaker 4: Whoa how did that fly out? They are still together?
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: Wow?
• 16:06
  Speaker 4: And he's not divorced yet?
• 16:07
  Speaker 6: Okay, how long are you willing to wait on this
• 16:11
  Speaker 6: portia that?
• 16:12
  Speaker 5: I was just about to ask you how long I
• 16:14
  Speaker 5: should wait?
• 16:15
  Speaker 4: Oh, Sarah along? Should you wait?
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: Well, I'm going to ask you something else.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: Do you think that he would leave.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: His marriage were it not for you? Are you the
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: sole reason why he's talking about leaving the relationship with
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: his wife?
• 16:35
  Speaker 5: I mean the way he talks sounds like they don't
• 16:40
  Speaker 5: connect anymore and that they're both unhappy and that they're
• 16:45
  Speaker 5: just kind of ships passing in the night, and like
• 16:48
  Speaker 5: you know, it's classic movie.
• 16:51
  Speaker 6: Does it ever cross your mind that he's just telling that?
• 16:53
  Speaker 4: I don't?
• 16:54
  Speaker 7: Like?
• 16:54
  Speaker 6: Do you think do you ever ask yourself like, would
• 16:57
  Speaker 6: he actually tell me if it was great? Like if
• 16:58
  Speaker 6: they had a nice dinner, and he took her to
• 17:01
  Speaker 6: Newport for the weekend. Is it gonna tell me that
• 17:03
  Speaker 6: they had a lovely weekend?
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: I would hope not.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I will tell you that having young children is
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: one of the strongest predictors for staying in a marriage,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: even if it is largely unsatisfactory, more than finances, more
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: than anything.
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: Young children very hard to walk away from a marriage.
• 17:25
  Speaker 6: Let's not forget about that too. You know this is messy,
• 17:29
  Speaker 6: This is messy.
• 17:29
  Speaker 5: Of course.
• 17:30
  Speaker 4: I just I think you deserve better, like I would
• 17:33
  Speaker 4: be that I would be the man saying you deserve
• 17:36
  Speaker 4: so much better than this situation.
• 17:41
  Speaker 5: And it's like I know I do, but like I don't.
• 17:44
  Speaker 5: I don't want be afraid.
• 17:46
  Speaker 4: I just don't think you should be. I think it's over.
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: I take like Sarah, you talk about the exit affair,
• 17:52
  Speaker 4: take the exit ramp.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: So what about Ryan's question, like how long are you
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: willing to wait? Because we can't answer that for you.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's getting harder.
• 18:04
  Speaker 5: But I'm also like, how am I supposed to stay
• 18:07
  Speaker 5: working there if we're not together? Like I understand that
• 18:12
  Speaker 5: I could lose my job as we are together, but
• 18:14
  Speaker 5: like I also don't know how I can stomach going
• 18:16
  Speaker 5: into work every day.
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: Just because you wouldn't want to you wouldn't want to
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: see him or Okay.
• 18:21
  Speaker 4: This is a life where you do I think, yeah,
• 18:24
  Speaker 4: you do you ever allow yourself to feel like I'm
• 18:26
  Speaker 4: gonna go back to that same thing.
• 18:27
  Speaker 6: About what he tells you?
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 18:29
  Speaker 6: Do you know one day or you guys sneak away
• 18:32
  Speaker 6: and you're together, you do your thing, and then you
• 18:34
  Speaker 6: know that he's in bed next to her, Like, does
• 18:37
  Speaker 6: that ever eat you up?
• 18:39
  Speaker 5: I mean, there are definitely nights where I'm like, yeah,
• 18:43
  Speaker 5: he's at home and I'm here.
• 18:45
  Speaker 6: I guess that ties back into this. How long are
• 18:48
  Speaker 6: you willing to just just sit in that.
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: Stew you're single, he's not, Oh, and you're doing it
• 18:53
  Speaker 4: to yourself?
• 18:54
  Speaker 5: Really?
• 18:54
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 18:55
  Speaker 5: Why true?
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: I mean, Ryan, you break up. You bring up a
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: really good point because Poortie, I hear that you're in
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: touch with your empathy for the child, but there's not
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: a lot of discussion about the empathy for this other woman,
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: and it's not your responsibility to take care of her feelings.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: This is just a question in terms of a perspected.
• 19:20
  Speaker 5: I mean, I guess I never really thought about how
• 19:26
  Speaker 5: it impacted her more so like how she impacts me.
• 19:29
  Speaker 5: That sounds so terrible to say. I realize that because
• 19:34
  Speaker 5: I'm the one on the other side. But it's just like,
• 19:37
  Speaker 5: I mean, I just see that she has what I
• 19:41
  Speaker 5: want and it hurts right to see that, you know,
• 19:45
  Speaker 5: are you sorry?
• 19:47
  Speaker 6: Guys, I'm just gonnay. This is fascinating to me. Have
• 19:49
  Speaker 6: you ever considered, and please answer this honestly, have you
• 19:53
  Speaker 6: ever considered sabotaging their marriage with the information that you have?
• 19:57
  Speaker 5: No? I mean it, no, no, no, because you would never.
• 20:01
  Speaker 5: I feel like if I did that, I would also
• 20:04
  Speaker 5: be like ending our relationship, Like I don't know how
• 20:10
  Speaker 5: he could me if he found that out. If you
• 20:14
  Speaker 5: want to call.
• 20:14
  Speaker 4: Her friends like Britain House done, you're being a good
• 20:18
  Speaker 4: affair partner.
• 20:21
  Speaker 7: Partner, proud of you that on my resume?
• 20:28
  Speaker 4: Yeah, well we I mean, no, Sarah, what do you?
• 20:33
  Speaker 4: What do you? What do you? What would you? What
• 20:35
  Speaker 4: would you do?
• 20:35
  Speaker 3: I mean, but the most obvious.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Thing to me is that she's not seeing any concrete
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: steps to end this marriage. I've heard words, I've heard
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: nice time together, But I mean, only you can decide
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: how long you're willing to stay in this. But I
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: this sounds like I'm being pro affair. If it's an
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: exit affair, he needs to exit. If it's a maintenance affair,
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: he is not leaving that marriage. M hm, unless you
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: take Unless you take Ryan's advice and blow up his world.
• 21:08
  Speaker 6: I'm just saying, there's all sorts of options.
• 21:10
  Speaker 4: Here that's awful.
• 21:14
  Speaker 5: Is there any way for me to know which which
• 21:16
  Speaker 5: way like which one is other than just observational?
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: Just to do you want to sit in the role
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: of observer and wait for somebody else to decide the
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: outcome of your life. That's up to you. But that
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: is what you're doing. Is you really are giving him
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: all the power.
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: And I mean, you're right, I use this.
• 21:36
  Speaker 5: That's like then the hardest part is like that I
• 21:40
  Speaker 5: don't have any say in like how and when it
• 21:44
  Speaker 5: all goes down, you know what you do have?
• 21:47
  Speaker 6: Saying though, what you do right exactly, that's what you
• 21:51
  Speaker 6: that's what you can control, control the controllable. Also, there's
• 21:54
  Speaker 6: a saying that I love to use and Ellen's probably
• 21:56
  Speaker 6: heard it so many times. You're going to rollerize, but
• 21:58
  Speaker 6: we encourage what we tolerate. Yeah, So every day that
• 22:01
  Speaker 6: you're letting this guy just, you know, sleep in bed
• 22:04
  Speaker 6: with his wife and promise you the world. You're just
• 22:06
  Speaker 6: encouraging it.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're telling him that he does not have to
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: leave his wife in order to be with you.
• 22:12
  Speaker 6: He's getting what he wants from you either way, a
• 22:15
  Speaker 6: good employee and then a good you know poorsha.
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: I think you have a lot to think about.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: I do thank you for talking to me.
• 22:24
  Speaker 5: I don't feel like I have anybody in my life
• 22:26
  Speaker 5: I can say these things with because I just I
• 22:29
  Speaker 5: feel like they would judge me or look at me different.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: So you have no idea how many people are going
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: through this. I mean you're You're not alone in your experience,
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: and I think hearing about your experience is probably really
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: helpful to other people because then they don't feel so
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: isolated in their pain and confusion.
• 22:46
  Speaker 4: So you're brave.
• 22:48
  Speaker 5: Thank you.
• 22:48
  Speaker 6: Will you keep us posted you have this number? Will
• 22:51
  Speaker 6: you let us know what you do when you decide
• 22:53
  Speaker 6: what to do.
• 22:53
  Speaker 5: Yeah, definitely, And I might issue as a referral for
• 22:57
  Speaker 5: a huge job. I don't know if he would give
• 22:59
  Speaker 5: me a reckon.
• 23:01
  Speaker 4: That's don't even worry about that.
• 23:04
  Speaker 5: Thank you.
• 23:05
  Speaker 4: Thanks Portia.
• 23:06
  Speaker 6: Okay, I was just thinking too about her partners at
• 23:12
  Speaker 6: Air Tasker. Okay, hear me out for this because she's
• 23:15
  Speaker 6: like she was asking Sarah, how would I know if
• 23:17
  Speaker 6: it's a maintenance affair, like if he's actually lying?
• 23:20
  Speaker 4: So you you.
• 23:20
  Speaker 6: You call Air Tasker, you get the Air Tasker app.
• 23:22
  Speaker 6: She knows her boss. She knows that he needs like
• 23:24
  Speaker 6: his uh you know Garadry Dunner's backyard donner a wall
• 23:28
  Speaker 6: painted the Air Tasker. She meets with him ahead of time,
• 23:31
  Speaker 6: and that's the mole. So now he's in the house
• 23:34
  Speaker 6: and instead of even caring about the project, she just
• 23:37
  Speaker 6: wants to see how is how did he interact.
• 23:38
  Speaker 3: With the air espionage.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: It's a two in one that was actually not an informal.
• 23:50
  Speaker 6: Private and he wouldn't think anything of it because she
• 23:53
  Speaker 6: could go, hey I hired because she's his boss. That's
• 23:55
  Speaker 6: the boss, be like, hey I hired, I got I
• 23:57
  Speaker 6: hired a guy to come paint your your den per fied. No,
• 24:00
  Speaker 6: she's you know, he's getting the infone read it out.
• 24:04
  Speaker 4: That's it all right, problem solved, Okay, okay, okay.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: M