Latest / The Hypnotist / Riding the Stream of the Region Beta Paradox Embracing Something Difficult to Make Things Better

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Riding the Stream of the Region Beta Paradox Embracing Something Difficult to Make Things Better · The Hypnotist

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  Welcome to The Hypnotist, the show that gives you inside
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  access to cutting edge hypnosis with real clients facing
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  genuine. Issues.
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  Brought to you by The Hypnotherapist, Demanded by
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  celebrities, CEOs and even royalty, Adam Cox.
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  These recordings took place live from Adam Smith in London's
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  world famous Harley Street. So get yourself comfortable and
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  enjoy today's episode of The Hypnotist.
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  Hi, it's Adam here. This is a hypnosis session all
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  about resilience and re evaluation, both very important
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  things. Resilience is the, let's say
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  emotional capacity to deal with difficult things.
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  Life is easy if it's easy, if everyday you know things are not
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  challenging, you get what you want, people are nice to you, no
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  difficulties, no problems. It's fairly easy to feel.
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  Resourceful because. There's not many challenges
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  going on. When you really need resilience
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  is that when things are challenging and they might be
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  financially challenging or career challenging or
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  relationship challenging or you might have a health scare,
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  that's when you really need resilience.
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  And this client I was working with was going through
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  difficulties in their marriage, but also in their business.
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  And the Rapids that you're going to hear in this metaphor
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  represent the challenging period.
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  The second part of this session is about re evaluation.
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  Now, one of my favorite questions is the question
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  knowing everything that I now know, but I still choose to do
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  what I'm doing now. And why it's such a good
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  question is it gives you permission to re evaluate based
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  on how things are, not how they were at a different point in
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  time. And the client that I was
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  working with was in a marriage that at one point clearly was
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  very, very desirable. They were absolutely committed
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  to that marriage. They wanted it more than
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  anything else. And it was the right.
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  Decision for them to make at that point in time.
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  But sometimes things can happen in a relationship where people
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  hold on to things that can make them bitter or resentful or
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  angry or hurt. And that can change power
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  dynamics. And what could be a wonderful
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  relationship at one point in time could be a very toxic
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  relationship at a different point in time.
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  And this client had re evaluated variables in their business and
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  they were making decisions based on how the actual economy is and
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  things like interest rates. They were making real decisions
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  based on real variables and what was a great decision at one
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  point to buy property can be a horrible decision if the economy
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  changes. But they weren't having that
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  same thought process connected to their relationship.
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  And what this does is it positions a difficult
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  conversation that they needed to have known as a daunting thing
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  that they needed to be apologetic or sneaky about, but
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  actually as a win win outcome. Because either it would give
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  them a clue that something positive was possible within
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  their relationship that they could restore it to its former
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  glory, or it would give them confirmation that something had
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  changed so much in their relationship that it wasn't a
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  relationship that they would actually want anymore.
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  I'm a big believer that if you're in a relationship and
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  things are going through difficult times that you mend
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  it, you don't end it. But I'm an equal believer that
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  if you can't mend it, you need to end it, because not ending it
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  means that you're settling for something that is no longer
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  something you would want. And that's.
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  Why it doesn't make sense? Because.
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  Then resentment can. Build there can.
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  Be feelings of. You know, disinterest or
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  annoyance and all these kind of horrible things.
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  For a relationship to be a truly great relationship, both parties
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  knowing everything that they now know would still want that
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  relationship. And that doesn't mean that the
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  original things were in the relationship are still there.
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  It might be replaced by something else that's even
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  better. But there has to be something in
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  the relationship in its current form that makes it desirable so
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  that you want it. And unfortunately, there is a
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  cultural. Thing where tenure.
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  Is rewarded irrespective of the quality and I've worked with
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  people that have been in relationships for 30-40, fifty
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  years and that's become a badge of honour even though the
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  relationship itself might be abusive or toxic and have
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  horrible. Things going on.
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  There is some pride in the length of that relationship, and
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  I would say that can become a trap, something called the sunk
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  cost fallacy, that because you've done something for so
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  long, you have to stick with it. And that's why that question of
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  knowing everything that I now know, but I still choose to make
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  this decision is such a powerful question.
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  Now, the beta paradox part that you've probably seen in the
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  title refers to this theory that sometimes something has to get
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  worse in order for it to get better.
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  And you'll hear a couple of metaphors and analogies actually
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  in this. It can be a gift.
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  For. Something to be so much worse
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  than it was. Before if.
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  It leads to a catalyst of change, in which case, and just
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  imagine, you know, that there wasn't a betrayal in this
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  relationship, but imagine that you're in a relationships and,
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  and it's a it's an OK relationship.
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  You know, you, you don't think it's the best relationship.
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  You're settling with it. And then suddenly that person
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  lies or cheats on you and you discover that that would be
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  emotionally painful to begin with.
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  But if that is the very catalyst that you need to then end that
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  relationship and find a better relationship.
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  The region beta paradox is that in order for things to get
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  better, it had to get worse. But the getting worse is
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  actually. A gift so.
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  There's a bit going on in this session and hopefully if you
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  resonate with any of those things you'll get some value
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  from it. And if you like the idea of
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  working with me directly rather than just listening to
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  recordings in these show notes. In the description of this
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  episode, you'll see various resources, free downloads, a
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  free course, but also ways of working with me directly.
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  So check those out if you're interested.
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  For now, though, find a quiet, comfortable place where you
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  won't be distracted or disturbed.
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  Relax and enjoy. The session.
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  Take a deep breath in, and as you breathe in, breathe in a
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  wonderful feeling of pure resourcefulness.
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  And as you exhale, just imagine a release valve and certain
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  emotions that have been kept bubbling below the surface.
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  Any anger, any stress, any tension, any sadness, just allow
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  it to be released there on that outward breath, breathing in
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  that resourceful feeling of calm and relaxation and exhaling,
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  allowing what needs to be released to be released.
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  Breathing in what's necessary and useful, and exhaling
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  anything that isn't that's in. And the deeper you breathe, the
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  more relaxed you feel. And the more relaxed you feel,
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  the deeper you breathe. As your body relaxes, your
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  imagination awakens. And I want you to imagine a
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  wonderful, calm stream. I want you to imagine that calm
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  stream as a boat. And maybe you've heard that
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  nursery rhyme about merrily rowing your boat down the
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  stream. And just imagine you're climbing
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  into that boat and you are merrily, gently gliding down
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  that stream, matching blue skies and sunshine.
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  And I want you to feel how comfortable, how pleasant, how
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  relaxed you feel in that boat, on that stream.
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  And just imagine it's like that for a while.
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  Gentle, comfortable, easy. No conflict, no stress,
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  difficult decisions. Just gently rowing that boat
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  down the stream. But I want you to imagine that
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  something changes. Just imagine the blue skies
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  start getting cloudy and the white clouds turn to dark
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  clouds, and the gentle breeze turns into a ghost of wind.
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  I just imagine that that gentle stream starts to find a
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  gradient. That gentle stream starts
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  turning into gentle Rapids and then more rigorous Rapids.
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  And I want you to feel that while you were happy and those
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  smooth conditions, there is something about this more
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  challenging environment that brings out something powerful
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  within you, that part within you that has gone through difficult
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  things. Life hasn't been easy, but it
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  has made you capable. They say it's better to be a
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  warrior in the garden than a gardener in the war.
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  It's better to have the resources and the capabilities
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  and not need them than to not have them and really need them.
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  And as you imagine, navigating those Rapids while under
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  rainstorms and winds and clouds. And we need to get the sense
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  this is temporary. You have absolute belief that
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  you can navigate this difficult terrain.
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  You've done it before, you've done it again, you know you'll
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  do it again, which is why it feels like it's already been
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  done. You can anticipate the relief
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  afterwards, knowing difficulties are manageable.
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  I want you to get a sense of what it would look like, perhaps
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  in your business. Or your relationship.
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  On the other side of these difficult Rapids, wouldn't it be
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  the case that you would appreciate those calm waters on
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  the stream and that sunshine all the more after having navigated
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  the Rapids? If it was just smooth sailing
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  all the way, a part of you would feel bored.
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  It would be easy, but it wouldn't challenge you.
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  That part within that is capable, resilient, tenacious,
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  decisive. That part, that part welcomes
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  the storm, embraces the Rapids, likes the challenge.
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  And I want you to imagine you're now back on those smooth waters.
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  And I want you to think, I want you to think about how things
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  change, that a good decision at one point in time can be a bad
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  decision at a different point in time.
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  Statisticians call it variable change, but as things change,
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  the numbers change. You've seen that.
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  In property in. Stocks in different investments,
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  what's an excellent decision in one set of circumstances is a
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  horrible decision in another, even if the asset is identical.
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  The same is true with a relationship.
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  The person can be the same person, but under certain
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  conditions it can be the most desirable thing in the world,
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  and in other conditions, something you wouldn't want even
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  if it was offered. I want you to get a sense that
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  some people feel trapped, controlled, coerced, but
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  sometimes it's all based on a premise.
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  And that premise used to be true but is no longer true.
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  And I want you to wonder what would happen if you re evaluate
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  something, you look at it with fresh eyes by asking yourself
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  the question, knowing what I now know, would I choose what I
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  chose before now? Would you create that trust
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  fund? Would you make that proposal?
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  Would you make certain decisions?
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  One line of questioning leads to regret, another leads to
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  liberation. True courage is not being a
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  prisoner to decisions of the past.
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  True courage is being willing to re evaluate big decisions to
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  make sure that the original thesis still stands true.
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  You've done that in investing. You made a decision based on a
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  fundamental idea. And if that idea changes, the
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  decision behind it changes too. And I want you to go back in
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  time now to the very early days of that relationship.
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  As an observer. I want you to observe the
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  tonality in conversations. I want you to observe qualities,
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  perhaps like love, kindness, consideration, respect.
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  Don't change the past, just see it as it was.
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  As an observer, I don't want you to imagine meeting that version
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  of you when a decision was made to commit.
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  To that relationship. And just imagine meeting that
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  version of you for a coffee or a drink or a meal, maybe in
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  Italian. Just imagine they're that age,
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  you're your age. And ask them, what is it about
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  this person that is so desirable?
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  What is it about this person, this relationship that makes you
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  want to commit to it? No need to sway them or steer
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  them. Just listen.
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  Listen to what was true then and then ask them.
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  Ask them before they're in that relationship what would have to
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  happen for them to change their mind.
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  Not quitting, not bailing, just to re evaluate because actual
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  things have changed. Give them scenarios, scenarios
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  that you know are possible in the future.
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  Ask them in advance. If this was to happen would it
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  be OK? Because sometimes, sometimes
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  things change so slowly. But what you wouldn't tolerate
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  if it happened all at once is tolerated if it happens over a
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  period of time. And there's a story that if you
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  put a frog in cold water in a pan and slowly, slowly heated,
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  the frog doesn't notice the rising temperature until that
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  frog boils alive. But interestingly, if the same
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  frog was put already into a hot pan, it would immediately jump
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  out. What would be intolerable if it?
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  Happened immediately is. Tolerated if it.
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  Happened just over a slower period of time.
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  And what if this wasn't a trap, a prison?
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  What if it was freedom? When you feel like you have
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  nothing to lose, it gives you the power to choose.
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  And I want you to think of something specific.
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  Almost the perfect test. To evaluate if this thing that
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  you have is still something you want, I want you to imagine a
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  conversation that you instigate. Imagine seeing that version of
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  you instigating that like you're seeing someone else.
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  And I want you to see you confidently, articulately
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  initiating that conversation. No upward inflection.
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  Asking for permission. Calmly, confidently bringing up.
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  A difficult. Conversation respectfully,
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  politely, and yet firmly. And I want you to see there is a
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  twinkle in that eye of yours. You are not daunted by this
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  conversation because you know there is a way of thinking about
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  this conversation that rather than feeling like a lose lose,
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  it's a win win. That version of you knows that
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  if something important to you is acknowledged, listened to,
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  respected, it's a wonderful sign.
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  The things that you value in the relationship are still possible,
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  which is a win. But it's also a win if your
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  wishes, your needs, your thoughts, your feelings are
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  disregarded. And as you observe, I want you
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  to think, why would that be a win?
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  Some people have heard have something called the Beta
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  paradox. The beta paradox is a paradox
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  because it's counterintuitive. Just imagine someone working at
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  a mildly unfulfilling job. They work at that job for years
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  and then suddenly, overnight, they get a toxic boss.
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  Horrible mean. They would have stayed at that
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  job for years, but the moment it got worse, they feel galvanized
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  to quit and things get worse before it gets better.
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  And a year later they're grateful for that toxic boss.
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  Or perhaps perhaps it's the distance between one place and
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  another place that paradoxically, if it's just far
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  enough that someone walks, they walk, but if it gets further,
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  they drive and they get there quicker.
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  Part of your mind knows that you can re evaluate whenever you
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  choose and that sometimes something being awful is the
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  very gift you wanted it or needed it to be.
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  And I want you to see that version of you where it is
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  genuinely a win win. You don't care what the outcome
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  is because whatever the outcome is, it empowers you.
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  And sometimes, sometimes when someone feels confident and
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  empowered, the person that's been bluffing all of this time
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  realizes that their bluff has been called.
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  And that very strong hand gets folded because it was never a
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  strong hand, only the perception of 1.
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  So as you breathe in and breathe out, observing that confident,
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  empowered version of you taking back something that was never
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  meant to have been lost, whatever words come to mind,
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  they're your words. You might think in terms of
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  respect identity standards, allow your mind to suggest
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  qualities that were in abundance in your past and have been lost.
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  And what if this is the very opportunity not to ask for them
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  back, but to take them back? I want you to imagine returning
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  to that, that little boat on the stream, imagining what it would
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  be like one year from now in two different circumstances, both of
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  which are good. Either that relationship is
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  exactly as you want it to be, it has those things that have been
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  missing that needed to be there for you to value it, or the beta
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  paradox was a gift. It got to a certain level where
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  you just didn't want it anymore and that gave you permission to
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  find something that actually is desirable and works for you.
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  The one thing you know you don't want is the status quo.
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  If the status quo is not desirable anymore, this is a
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  future where you have escaped that sunk cost fallacy.
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  You're free of it, one way or the other.
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  The only way you lose is by secrecy, shame, or hesitancy.
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  And as you hold that thought, it's time to return.
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  Taking a deep breath in through your nose and out through your
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  nose and wiggle your fingers and wiggle your toes, connecting and
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  calibrating into the here and the now as I now count from 1:00
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  to 10:00 to awaken you. Starting to count 123 waking up
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  456, more alert. 7-8. Open your eyes.
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  Open your eyes, 910. Wide awake, wide awake, wide
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  awake. Thank you.
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  So much for joining me on today's episode of The
• 27:20
  Hypnotist. If you've enjoyed this episode
• 27:23
  or got some value from it, please give it a five star
• 27:26
  rating. And review and maybe.
• 27:29
  You know someone that would also benefit from this particular
• 27:33
  episode. In which case, share the
• 27:35
  episode. With them so they can also get
• 27:37
  the benefit too. And if.
• 27:39
  You would like to listen to this episode where it's just the
• 27:44
  hypnosis, so no. Intro No outro.
• 27:47
  No explanation, just the hypnosis.
• 27:49
  And completely ad free. There will be a link in the
• 27:52
  description where you can subscribe at a very low cost and
• 27:56
  only get access to the hypnosis, so if that's of interest please
• 28:00
  check that. Out thank you again for being.
• 28:04
  A regular listener of the hypnotist and I'll see you again
• 28:07
  soon for more.