Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Before Walking Away From Your Marriage or Leaving Your Relationship, Ask Yourself This…

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Before Walking Away From Your Marriage or Leaving Your Relationship, Ask Yourself This… · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
0:09
SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
0:14
SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
0:18
SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
0:26
SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
0:36
SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
0:53
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: Entitled Before Walking Away from Your Marriage, Ask Yourself This.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: Leaving a relationship or a marriage when nothing is really obviously wrong can feel hard.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: Harder perhaps than when there is that clear, obvious reason, right?
1:16
SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing: it is okay to leave simply because it no longer feels right.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: It is okay to leave something that isn't bad in inverticomas.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to want a life that feels fully aligned, completely yours, a life that feels true and real to you, to who you are, but also one that holds space for who you're becoming, space for you to expand into, that doesn't just fit who you were when the relationship started, but holds space for your growth and your expansion.
1:55
SPEAKER_00: It's not wrong, it's not bad, it doesn't make you mean or selfish to choose differently to leave when it no longer feels right.
2:06
SPEAKER_00: You can honor what was, what's been, and still choose something different.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: You don't need a huge catastrophic or you know cracky wide open type of reason to choose yourself.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes choosing yourself, choosing peace means walking away gently, even if it's walking away from something that looks fine on the outside.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: Your feelings, your desires, your hopes, your dreams are actually reason enough.
2:42
SPEAKER_00: And so today I want to talk to the part of you that's questioning, that's questioning everything.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: The part that's whispering, or maybe that part that's trying really hard and loudly to be heard.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: This isn't what I want anymore.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: And that can be you if you're still in a relationship, or if you're kind of moving through the separation, divorce, early stages of divorce, or even reorganizing life afterwards.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: This episode can still be relevant for you.
3:12
SPEAKER_00: You're not in crisis, nothing massive or earth-shattering or crack you wide open has happened.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: There's no big betrayal, no unforgivable, um impossible to come back from moment.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: Just a quiet truth that perhaps has been building for a really long time, building in your body, building in your knowing, building in your gut.
3:36
SPEAKER_00: And so you might be wondering: is that enough?
3:40
SPEAKER_00: Is that enough of a reason?
3:42
SPEAKER_00: Is it a valid reason?
3:44
SPEAKER_00: Can I choose this?
3:45
SPEAKER_00: Can I choose to leave even if no one else might understand why?
3:50
SPEAKER_00: Am I really going to do this?
3:52
SPEAKER_00: Am I really going to break apart a family, impact a whole lot of people just because it doesn't feel what I want anymore?
4:04
SPEAKER_00: And the answer to that is yes.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: Yes, you can.
4:07
SPEAKER_00: So I want to talk about what it really means to choose yourself without needing to burn everything down, without needing to destroy everything or set fire to everything on your way out, on your way off to something different.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about giving yourself permission.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: Permission to leave, permission to want more, permission to choose something different, even when what you have, where you are, is not a bad place.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: It's not deeply or inherently wrong or bad.
4:39
SPEAKER_00: It's not wrong to leave when it just doesn't feel right.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: And here's the truth of what I want to offer you today.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: You can leave a marriage, a long-term relationship, a life you've built, even if it's not bad, even if your partner is actually a really decent human being, even if your life looks fine from the outside, you can leave simply because it no longer feels right, because you're not happy, because you've tried all the things, you've tried to fix it for so long, you've tried to create or co-create something different, and it hasn't been enough.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: You can leave simply because the connection you once had has changed or disappeared or no longer feels like it's enough.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: Because there doesn't feel like there's room for you to expand into, because you don't feel seen, heard, fully held in this space anymore.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you never quite did.
5:36
SPEAKER_00: You can leave simply because you crave, deeply desire, want something different for yourself.
5:44
SPEAKER_00: You don't need to wait until there's a massive reason, until things are completely broken, you're devastated, you're betrayed, or you've been the betrayer, or you are absolutely completely depleted.
5:58
SPEAKER_00: You don't need a dramatic justification, and you certainly don't have to make yourself or your partner the villain in this story.
6:06
SPEAKER_00: You are allowed simply to want more and to choose to go in search of it, to choose to create it for yourself.
6:15
SPEAKER_00: And one of the most powerful questions I ask clients who are in that in-between, in that grey zone, not quite sure whether to stay or leave, is this how do you want your life to feel in five, ten, or even twenty years' time?
6:34
SPEAKER_00: Not just look like, not just how do you want your life to look and all the material box things and boxes ticked, lists ticked.
6:41
SPEAKER_00: How do you want your life to feel?
6:44
SPEAKER_00: So I would invite you, close your eyes for a moment and just imagine that.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: Breathe into that.
6:51
SPEAKER_00: What do you see?
6:53
SPEAKER_00: What do you feel in your body?
6:56
SPEAKER_00: Is it calm?
6:58
SPEAKER_00: Is it joyful?
6:59
SPEAKER_00: Is it expansive?
7:01
SPEAKER_00: Is it safe?
7:02
SPEAKER_00: Do you feel seen, supported, inspired, free?
7:06
SPEAKER_00: Or is it a bit edgy, like something unknown, maybe a little bit scary, but undeniably alive, alive with possibility.
7:17
SPEAKER_00: And that edge, that spark of possibility, mixed with a little bit of uncertainty or even fear, it's often where the truth lies.
7:26
SPEAKER_00: That is your edge, right?
7:27
SPEAKER_00: And it might feel uncomfortable, it might not feel natural or familiar, it might not even feel completely safe in your body yet, but it might feel real, it might feel raw, it might feel true, it might feel like choice and opportunity and freedom, it might feel like coming home to yourself, and it might just feel really, really honest, and that's what matters.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: That honesty, that feeling like coming home to yourself, that's important and it matters.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: And next, ask yourself does where I am right now, does my life, does this relationship with this person have the capacity to help me create those feelings in this version, this this life?
8:27
SPEAKER_00: And this isn't about blame.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: Capacity isn't about blame, it's not about whether your partner is good, bad, or otherwise.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: It's about whether this relationship with its current energy, dynamic, patterns, can support the version of life you deeply want.
8:49
SPEAKER_00: Some relationships have capacity and can evolve and change and grow, some can't.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: Some people are willing to grow and evolve and co-create something different, some aren't.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: Relationships and people like life have seasons, and you might be in a season or your partner might be in a season where this is just not possible.
9:16
SPEAKER_00: This is just not within their capacity, and that doesn't make anyone wrong, but it does give you data, it gives you information, and with information, with data comes choice, comes freedom to choose.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: Does this relationship with this person have the capacity to help me create the feeling that I want to have, the feelings I want to have and experience in my life?
9:46
SPEAKER_00: If the answer to that question is no, you can still leave with grace.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: You can leave with kindness, compassion, with gentleness, with generosity, even love.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: You can leave while holding integrity and care and tenderness, especially if there are kids in the mix.
10:09
SPEAKER_00: You can leave and lead with your highest life values.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: Leaving doesn't have to mean rage or hurt.
10:20
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to mean destruction.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to mean breaking down and dismantling everything you've shared, every memory, every tradition, every holiday, every experience, every shared value.
10:35
SPEAKER_00: It can actually just mean saying, I honour what we had, I'm really grateful for the good, and now I need, probably we need, something different.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: And yes, sometimes choosing yourself will be hard.
10:51
SPEAKER_00: It will feel like the bravest and the hardest thing you've ever done, but it also offers opportunity, it offers the possibility of expansion, it cracks you open to what could be possible for you, to potential.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: It opens the door to a life that may just finally feel like it's yours.
11:12
SPEAKER_00: A life where you're not shrinking or minimizing to stay where you don't fit anymore or stay to keep the peace.
11:21
SPEAKER_00: You're not editing yourself, you're not keeping your thoughts, your ideas, your hopes, and your dreams small.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: So things, everything keeps ticking along smoothly for everyone else.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: You're not holding back, you're not holding things back in your body, in your heart, in your mind.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: You're not tiptoeing around unmet needs or unspoken resentment or or unexplored hopes and dreams.
11:46
SPEAKER_00: You're not tiptoeing through your own life.
11:49
SPEAKER_00: You are allowed.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to want more.
11:52
SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to want whatever it is you want.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: Softness, depth, expansion, adventure.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to want a relationship that reflects and holds space for who you are becoming, not just who you were when it all began.
12:09
SPEAKER_00: And now if you are standing at the edge of that decision, feeling all the big feelings, fear, guilt, overwhelm, that's perfectly normal.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: Leaving a relationship, especially a long one, is never an easy thing.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: There are roots and connections that run really deep.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: There's shared stories, there's shared friendships, there's connection that goes back a long way with a lot of different people.
12:38
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have kids together and it absolutely complicates your decisions about leaving and reorganizing life afterwards.
12:46
SPEAKER_00: Leaving is not easy.
12:48
SPEAKER_00: Leaving is not a simple choice.
12:51
SPEAKER_00: It's not a straight linear path.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: There's grief, there's doubt, there's fear of judgment, there's fear of what's coming next, there's fear of regret, there's all of that in the mix.
13:03
SPEAKER_00: And that's why scaffolding yourself matters.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: It's hard to do this alone, and you don't have to.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: So find your support people, find your crew and build your network around you.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: It might be a therapist, it might be a coach, a handful of close friends, or a mentor who can help you hold the vision that you have for your life when things get hard or when things get wobbly or when you are doubting and questioning and frightened.
13:36
SPEAKER_00: You can get through the dark hard parts.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: You can also unravel what was without tearing anything, including yourself, apart in the process.
13:49
SPEAKER_00: So if you've never heard this before, no one's ever said this before, or you're too scared to tell yourself this, you don't need anyone else's permission to leave.
14:00
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to wait for things to be bad or unbearable.
14:04
SPEAKER_00: You don't need to make yourself or your partner wrong or the villain.
14:09
SPEAKER_00: You just need to trust.
14:11
SPEAKER_00: You just need to trust yourself.
14:13
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it really is just about choosing yourself, and that can be the bravest, hardest thing you'll ever do, but it does open a door.
14:22
SPEAKER_00: It opens the door to a life that has the possibility to finally feel like yours, all of yours, everything you want it to be.
14:35
SPEAKER_00: So, how do you want life to look and feel in five years' time?
14:41
SPEAKER_00: Start making it feel like that now.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: You're not selfish for wanting that, you are allowed to choose and want and desire something different.
14:53
SPEAKER_00: It's brave, it's scary, and it's hard to do by yourself.
14:58
SPEAKER_00: So if you want support, reach out.
15:00
SPEAKER_00: There's an opportunity, as always, to book a free intro call in the show notes.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: Even just becoming a closer part of the Reflect community, follow on Instagram.
15:13
SPEAKER_00: It makes you feel less alone as you do the brave hard things.
15:17
SPEAKER_00: If there's somebody in your circle, in your friendship group, in your family who you know is standing at that edge, and this episode might support them to be able to make a grounded, solid decision that best serves what they want for the next 5, 10, 20 years of their life.
15:39
SPEAKER_00: Please share this episode with them.
15:41
SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here, and until next time, go gently with yourself as you step closer to that edge.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflex, Reclaim and Liberate.
15:56
SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: Until then