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I Choose...Not Giving Up On Love with Kaitlyn Bristowe · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, everyone,
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: the choices we make and where they lead us. My
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: guest today is someone we all fell in love with
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: when she was on the Bachelor and then later when
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: she starred as the Bachelorette. Some people say the best
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: bachelorette there ever was. Since then, we also got to
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: see her dominate on the dance floor when she won
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: season twenty nine of Dancing with the Stars Amazing. She's
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: founder of her own wine company, Spaden Sparrows, and the
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: host of the podcast Off the Vine. Please welcome Caitlin
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Bristow to the podcast.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for having me.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being on the I Choose Me podcast.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: This is so exciting to have you here. I want
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: to start by asking you, why are you such a
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: bad as.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: They go? Anyone's ever said to me? I Sometimes I
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: think I am, and other times I'm like no, If
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: I feel like a fraud.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: That's natural.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: I do feel like just like life will put you through.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: You know, life be lifeing sometimes and I feel like
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: that only makes you stronger. And I feel like maybe
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: a little hint of where I grew up with the
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: I grew up mixed with like being I don't know,
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: chewed up and spat out on a reality TV show
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: made me.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: I love that you just you don't give up. I
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: think you know, you put it all out there. I
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: mean even before the reality the Bachelor or the Bachelorette.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: Were you always like this? Were you an outgoing kid?
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: You know what's funny? I always think about this. I
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: was painfully shy when I was little and I couldn't
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: even make eye contact. I couldn't be in like I
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: got stage fright and I was a dance her. But
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: I don't know what happened. Something switched in high school.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: I remember, like the twelfth grade being like, I'm I'm
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: going into being an adult as I thought, but at
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: eighteen that was the legal like drinking age in Alberta,
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: in Canada where I grew up, So I was like,
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be an adult. I have to like
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: put myself out there. And I just like changed my
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: mindset and I remember being like, just just do what
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: you're you think you're scared of, Like nobody cares, nobody's
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: looking at you, nobody's staring nobody's thinking anything. It's not
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: that deep. And I remember switching my mindset in like
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: out of nowhere in the twelfth grade, and then all
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: through my twenties, I just remember having this best friend
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: who was she was probably seven years older than me,
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: and I feel like she just inspired me and she
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: didn't give a fuck, and she just lived her life
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: so authentically and I saw the way she just I
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: lived this authentic life and she was just so grounded
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: and happy, and I was like, I'm going to learn
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: from this woman. And still to this day, she's one
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: of my best friends, and I feel like I still
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: learn from her, and I.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Always the best.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: I always trying to give her credit, and she's like,
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: you did it, Caitlin, And I was like, kid, can
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: you help me?
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: That's the best? You said you at eighteen you kind
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: of had this epiphany. Did you have any therapy or
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: prior to that?
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I would have been even more advanced.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: I thought. I thought I had it figured out at eighteen.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: Also like a blessing and a curse, because you haven't,
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: you know, experienced things at eighteen that you that you're
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: going to do. But at nineteen, my world kind of
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: got rocked. I lost my best friend and we were
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: like sisters and we had attaching fences in our backyards
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: and our sisters were best thank you, and our parents
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: were best friends. And it was just like like a
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: pretty big loss for me. And then I went to Vancouver.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: I was living in a very small town in It's
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: called the Duke, Alberta in Canada. And I went to
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: Vanko because I had gotten a dance scholarship and so
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: I was going to dance with this company and do
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: some auditions. And I ended up dancing with this company
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: and also being a CFL, the Canadian Football League cheerleader,
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: and I just would always be like, how would Lindsay
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: be living her life? Was my friend that past, and
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: I feel like I chose to kind of like because
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: we were so similar and because we were like sisters,
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: I kind of chose to live the way that I
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: think she would be proud of and the way she'd
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: want to live in the way I was inspired to
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: live through her. So I feel like that kind of
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: rocked my world and set me up for the path
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: that I went on. And I ended up staying in Vancouver.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: And if it wasn't for all these little tiny shifts
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: in my life that happened nothing. You know, I wouldn't
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: be here where I am today. So, like I said,
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: like get right at the get go of this podcast,
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: it's kind of like when life gets you, that's when
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: you you learn that how resilient you are.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: I guess for sure, and you just have to learn
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: to listen to your instincts and follow the path that's
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: unfolding in front of you. Did you feel like when
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: you were a kid you had like you were destined
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: for something bigger than what's the name of the time due?
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, I really did. It was so funny. My
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: sister and I could not be more opposite. She's like,
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: honestly the loveliest human I've ever met, and she's so selfless.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: And I'm not saying I'm not like she was always
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: just craving this life of staying in the small town
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: having a family that was just like that is her
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: happy place, and I was always like, get me out
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: of here. I felt stuck. I felt like I wasn't
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: supposed to be there. I felt like I was supposed
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: to like when I moved to Vancouver. Still, you know,
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: it's kind of it's not massive, but I was like,
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: I'm in the big leagues now, like this is a
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: big city, and I just I felt like I was
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: always called to do like scary things, but to me
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: it didn't feel scary, Like going on national television to
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: a lot of people would be scary. And I was like,
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, it was a little late, like
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: I'm almost thirty, but okay, here we go. Like I
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: just I knew something like that was going to be
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: in my life. I don't know I do that, but
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: I think, you know, women are intuitive, but I also
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: just sometimes you just have that feeling like there's a
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: reason you asked, right, because sometimes people do have that feeling.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean sometimes it's not us. We need somebody
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: else to see that potential in us. And for me,
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: it was my main manager, Randy James, who I met
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: when I was I think six fifteen. I'm still with
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: him today's yeah, we're still together. But like, who is
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: your biggest cheerleader when you are growing up? Who was
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: there to make you take those big swings?
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah it was it was definitely my mom. My mom
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: was a professional ballerina her whole life, and so she
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: taught me dance she used to have a dance studio,
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: and she's kind of beautiful by the way. Oh, and
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: she's such a firecracker, Like that looks fun. She is
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: so fun, and she's just always been like encouraging to
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: kind of like dance at the beat of my own drum.
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: She's never told me to follow some sort of path.
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: I mean, I do think she was very happy that
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: the path I was on was like kind of her
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: path and she was living vicariously through me, though I
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: actually loved doing what I was doing too, So I
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: feel like she was always her and my dad they
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: were very much like, you know, like they kind of
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: always had me believing that I was so unique and
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: I needed to follow my own path and Caitlyn's going
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: to do what she wants to do, and let's kind
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: of like encourage her instead of stop her. They never
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: forced me to go to college. I was like, no,
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to be a dancer, and they kind of
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: just they always supported my dreams and my quirkiness. I
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: would say, like, I just I feel like they never
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: made me feel like I was supposed to be anything
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: else but myself, And I feel like that's kind of
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: you know, when you just live. Yeah, living true to
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: yourself things for a line.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: And that's so cool that your parents were so supportive
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: like that. I wanted to ask you, since you've come
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: onto the scene, you've always just been authentically you. I
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: think that's why so many people are drawn to you.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: You've been really open that. It hasn't always been an
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: easy road. I think was when you were in your twenties,
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: you said you struggled with an addiction to valium. Can
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: you share with us how you got through that.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: Yes, again, that's where my parents will come in. But
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: I you know, growing up in my twenties in Vancouver,
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: I'm thinking, you know, I'm going to get some sort
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: of dance gig. I always thought I would be like
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: traveling the world as a dancer. And as I went through,
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: like you know, twenty to twenty five, I was doing
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: the grind. I was living four people in a one
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: bedroom apartment, dancing at night, working at a restaurant in
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: the day, doing auditions, all of that kind of thing,
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: which I'm sure you're familiar with as well. And I
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: at twenty five twenty six, you know the old story
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: of I met a boy and he was this Canadian
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: hockey player, and in my mind, I thought, well, I'll
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: just you know, go wherever he goes and he's successful,
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: and I'll live his life and that I'll just find
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: my own thing to do along the way. And I
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: think I completely lost myself to this person. I financially, emotionally, spiritually,
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: in every way relied on this one guy and thought,
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: you know, this is it for me. I'm going to
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: get married, We're going to have a family. And I
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: was kind of all over the place with him. We
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: were in Winnipeg, Canada, and then Anaheim, and then Newfoundland, Canada,
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: and then Germany, and I just you know, in Germany,
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: I had no friends. The German team, all the wives
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: were German. They kind of all had their friends, and
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: I thought, you know, I'm going to travel Germany and
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: I worked two jobs before I went, but I just
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: started getting stuck in this little room that we lived in.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: This is so crazy to think back on, but I
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: was totally addicted to call of duty like video games.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. I never would have thought that.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: It's so funny to think back on because I'm like, oh,
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: that poor girl. I just want to go for a
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: hug so bad. But I would just sit there and
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: I would drink and I would play video games, and
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: I would just wait on him to get home from practice,
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: and then he'd go on the road and I would
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: just sleep all day. And I became shell of myself
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: and I couldn't work. And I realized that I am
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: such a go getter and I love to do things
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: and you know, meet people and all these things, and
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: I wasn't doing any of it. And we ended up
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: breaking up because he basically looked at me and he
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: was like, you are not meant for this life. I
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: see how miserable you are. I got very depressed, and
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: on top of being very depressed, he left me. And
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: I had no education, no job, I could not go
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: back to dancing, didn't have a dollar to my name,
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: I didn't have anywhere to live, and I my whole
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: world just felt like it got rocked. Because that also
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: it does sound silly, but I know how real it
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: is to lose somebody like that is also going through grief.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: And I loved I loved him so much, and so
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: my mom said, I'm booking you a flight. She lived
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: in Phoenix at the time, and I was I was
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: not okay. I was saying very scary things. And she
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: picked me up at the airport with my stepdad and
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: we didn't even go home. We went straight to a
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: walk in clinic and I had to take a bunch
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: of tests and paperwork, and you know, you had to.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: It was like a basically a test of how suicidal worried.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: And I had never felt like that in my whole life.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: I was always pretty like fun and outgoing, and I
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: was just rock bottom. And they put me on without
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: even really talking through it. They put me on valum
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: and an antidepressant. And when you've never taken anything like
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: that before and you start feeling completely numb, that is
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: a beautiful feeling compared to depression. And so I thought,
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: I can just take this pill and not feel anything,
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: and I would. Nobody gave me a limit on it.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: Nobody really walked. You know. My mom didn't have too
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: much information on this, so she just so heartbroken watching
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: me just be the shell of myself. And every day
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: I would just sleep and take a pill and go
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: back to sleep. And that happened for honestly too long,
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: and my parents really had to do something about it
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: because I had to wean myself off and it was
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: probably you know, I ended up being sneaky about it,
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: not telling them when I was taking it, and they
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: just kind of were there for me during all of it,
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: and they said, this isn't you like go back to Vancouver.
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: My friend said I could live on his couch. I
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: stayed on my friend's couch and I just got myself like,
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: little by little. My mom said, baby steps, baby steps,
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: is all you need to do right now. We're here
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: to support you financially. And I took little baby steps.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: If I got out of bed that day, that was
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: a small win. If I walked out and got a coffee,
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: that was a small win. I eventually worked myself up
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: into going to a restaurant and filling out an application
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: to host to work my way up in a restaurant,
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: and just little by little through the support of friends
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: and family and then therapy. That's when I got into therapy.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: Baby steps got me where I needed to get to be.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: Oh, you should be so proud of yourself, not only
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: for how far you've come, but also for being really
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: vulnerable and sharing that part of your life with the world,
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: because it's that kind of honesty that creates impactful connections
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: with people all over the world who are dealing with
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: similar things to you.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: Perhaps, Yeah, I actually couldn't believe. So I think also
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: a part of how I grew up, I didn't I didn't,
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: you know, grow up doing auditions for TV. I didn't
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: know how TV worked. I didn't know what overnight success
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: looked like with a platform. And so I think I've
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: just always been like, what isn't everyone this honest? And
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: that has gotten me in trouble, but that's also built
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: a beautiful community. And I always vulnerability creates connection, It
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: creates community, and I couldn't believe how much people were
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: craving that in a world of social media. I was like, oh,
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: I didn't even realize the impact that could have by
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: sharing a story.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: Right, It's it's wild. You don't think it until you
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: do it, and then you just feel so connected to
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: the people who are in similar situations.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: Yes, and just hearing it. Like I used to get
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: a little bit overwhelmed if people would come up and
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: be like, because you know, on the Bachelorette, you get pigeonholed,
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: you get pigeonholed into this one dimensional character. And I
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: got overwhelmed by people coming up to me and saying
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: like I can't believe what you did and this and this,
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: But then it started turning into you, you know your
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: podcast is really helped me, or how honest you are
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: has really helped me. And now I just like want
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: to hug everyone. I just like love it so much.
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: And the people are like, oh I was scared to
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: say hi, I'm like no, please like run and jump
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: in my arms.
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: I just think it's so cool now.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: It really is. How do you choose to show up
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: for yourself? Now?
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: Every day I was thinking how good of timing this
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: podcast was because I just came out of a three
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: day therapy retreat that I did in Nashville. I ended
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: up actually doing some equine therapy with a horse.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: And oh my god, I'm so jealous right now.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: Oh it was beautiful work. Like I've I've done some
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: really heavy stuff. I did this program called Hoffman where
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: I did some inner child work, and I've done a
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: lot of therapy and I loved it so much, and
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: I just choose, like I think, at this point in
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: my life, I really understand kind of it's kind of
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: clockwork for me when I have tough times. So I
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: suffer pretty badly from hormonal depression. And I don't know
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: why it took me so long into my thirties to
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: realize that's what it was like every time, same time,
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: every month. I'm like, oh, so, I just I really
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: choose to, like look at where I'm at in my cycle,
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: if I'm being completely honest and give myself banks for
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: certain things, and I feel I have therapy I do
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: once every two weeks, and even if I don't feel
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: like going, and even if I feel like I have
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: nothing to learn or nothing to say, I always walk
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: away being like I'm so glad I did that. It's
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: kind of like, you know, moving your body or going
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: to the gym, or I always joke about how it's
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: like going to the gym and having sex. It's like,
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: why did it feel so good once you get there?
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: Why were you so hesitant to that place? It's like
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: that's for me too, And I felt like another thing
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: that I really do. I lift heavy weights, and I
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: never thought I would do that. I always hated working out,
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: and now just I feel so mentally strong after coming
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: out of a workout that that's become something I really
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: do for myself. And how I show up for myself
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: and then I would say the last thing is And
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: I still struggle with this, but I will have pep
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: talks with myself in the mirror, like if somebody was watching.
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: I live by myself and sometimes I'm like, I should
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: have brother cameras in here, like it is hilarious how
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: I talk to myself. I'll look in the mirror. I'll
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: be like, oh, you look so and then I go, no, no, no,
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: we don't talk to ourselves that way. And then I'll
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: find something I love about myself. I'll give myself my fives.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: I'll like go do a gratitude circle with my freaking dogs,
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: like I'll hold up paws. And it's like, over all
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: the years of doing things, you know that learning lessons,
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: and you kind of just build up this the as
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: they call the toolbox, you know, for people who know
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: what that is obviously, who listen to your podcasts, and
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: you know it's it becomes easier over time to snap
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: out out of it, but there's nothing wrong with not
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: snapping out of it either.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: Right, And I think once you really determine, like I
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: am a person that's a little chemically imbalanced, and you've
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: gotten specific about it, that it's connected with your cycle.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Once you nail it down and figure it out, it's
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: less scary, and you know you can you can accept
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: that about yourself and not be shameful of it, you know,
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: because there's a lot of shame around depression, I feel like.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: And I still do, even though I could sit here
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: and talk about it all day, Like, I still do
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: find myself having shame around it, even though you know,
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: how we we have this thought and I know a
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: lot of people bring this up lately, is that two
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: things can be true at once. I can suffer depression
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: and I can also be very vulnerable, and I can
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: also be very happy, and I can also be very sad.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: And I am a human being feeling the full spectrum
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: of emotions in a day, and it's it's I do
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: feel shame around it sometimes, but thanks to podcast like
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: yours and people talking about it, it's like there's really
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: nothing to be ashamed of. And I also do have
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: the chemical imbalance. And obviously I'm not a doctor, but
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: like going on medication for me changed my whole life
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: because and what the doctor said to me, and what
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: I've heard a lot is people say, if you had
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: a heart condition, you'd take medication. If you have a balance,
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: take medication. You know. Again, go talk to your doctor
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: and whatever you believe in. But for me, personally helping
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: myself through medication and therapy has like changed my whole
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: whole life.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: I'm so happy for you. It sounds like your toolbox
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: is full, yes, of great things to get you through
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: tough times like that. And yeah, also in relationships, like
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: if anybody ever makes you feel ashamed or like you're
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: too much or you're just I had this a lot, Caitlin.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: I was always told I was too emotional. Yeah, And
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: it was hard for me because you know, I played
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: like the this character for ten years in my very
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: formative developmental years who was experiencing trauma after trauma after
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: trauma on the show. And that definitely had an effect
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: on me. But I came to the place where I
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: was like, yeah, I am emotional, and I'm going to
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: switch it to say I'm emotionful and I actually love
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: that about myself now.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: Yes, And how long did it take you to love
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: that about yourself?
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: Oh gosh, I am going to say not until I
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: was out of a relationship where I didn't feel good
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: about myself. It was in my early forties.
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, see. And that's so inspiring because I think
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: a lot of people think there's an age on where
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: you should be, oh my gosh, or with where you're
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: at in life, and not only career, but emotionally financially.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: Everybody has this idea where they're supposed to be. And
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I bet you I'll get on my deathbed
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: hopefully in like one hundred and five and I'll go
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: I still don't think I got it.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: I mean truly it. Everybody's on their own schedule.
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah exactly. And relationships really will make you
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: believe something that is not true about yourself if it's
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: one you know and it's it's the benefit of hindsight
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: is always looking back and saying, oh, I just I
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: actually wasn't even myself in that relationship, and what that
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: person was making me feel bad about is actually something
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: that's that's part of who I am, that's part of
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: my DNA, and that can be something that's actually beautiful instead.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: Of exactly exactly. You said something about society. Do you
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: feel that the bullshit societal pressures that we are all
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: put under, but specifically that you should be in a
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: certain stage of life already at your age. How do
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: you handle that? Because I think so many women are
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: like you, living fierce, independent, cool lives, but they still
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: feel stuck or like something is wrong with them because
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: they haven't got the husband or the kids or whatever
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: else it is that they need quote unquote to have.
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I once in a while will like go into
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: a like, oh god, because I'm turning forty this year,
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: which I know, I feel like that's like I've always
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: been made to feel like that's scary. But then I'm like,
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: I still feel twenty five, and I just I almost
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: feel better than I did it twenty five. Actually I'm
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: taking better, yes, myself, I have more like wisdom and knowledge.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: I'm more a more evolved version of myself. And I
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: always heard people talk about, you know, forty's are the
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: best and it just gets better and better, and now
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: I believe it so, but I do. I still have
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: moments where I'm like, I kind of giggle sometimes when
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: I look around and I go, I'm I'm hyper independent.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: I'm almost the opposite now where I'm like I think
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: I could have a baby on my own. I think
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: I could on my own like my therapist will be like,
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: that's also a trauma response, because I like, I'm like,
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: but it's an option.
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's often, and I think that's empowering because I'm
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: I'm just I did this whole visualization the other day
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: with I have a talk about tools in the belt.
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: I've got a therapist, I've got a spiritual coach. I
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: have this she's like an intuitive coach, and we're doing
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: this visualization and she was asking me to picture like
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: you can wake up anywhere in the world and you're
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: with anyone you want, Like, what is your perfect day?
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: And it was so funny because like it's it's a
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: perfect world, so I can make it up. I have,
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: you know, it can be outrageous. And I was in
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Hawaii for like one hour of the day. But what
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: I found was I I was like, well, I woke
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: up in my own bed, in my home with my
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: dogs and no one else. And she's like, isn't that
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: beautiful that that was your actual Like you got into
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: a meditation, you were picturing your perfect day and you
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: were with yourself. And I'm like, that is really cool.
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: And I wouldn't have said that five years ago.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: You know, Yes, You've come so far. I'm so proud
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: of you.
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: I know I would go through the screen and give
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: you a hunk.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: Can we talk about relationships a little. People have followed
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: you finding love first on the Bachelor, then on the Bachelorette,
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: you know, and you were engaged and that didn't work out, right,
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: and then you found love again. Yeah, and that didn't
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: work out, which, by the way, is absolutely okay.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: Totally, I'm with you.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: We have to try things on first to see how
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: they fit. You know, when I was like single and
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: in my forties, I went through a number of let's
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: call them, ill fitting relationships, and I learned so much
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: about myself and I feel like you are. You know,
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: you are living that right now.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I honestly I go back and if I could
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: talk to that X that absolutely broke me, I would
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: thank him because that alone, that one breakup, made me
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: think I can get through anything. Anything get through through
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: you know, between losing my best friend and the guy
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: I thought I was going to marry, I was like, Okay,
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: I didn't think I could get through those two things.
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: And I came out of it more spiritual, I came
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: out of it much stronger and knowing myself a million
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: times better. So now I just think, like the relationship
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: that ended from the Bachelorette, I had a hard time
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: with that one, but again not as bad compared to
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: that breakup from the Germany Times, and I went, this
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: is awful, but I'm going to get through this and
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: I know what I deserve and that wasn't it. And
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: then the second one was like more of If I'm
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: being completely honest, in this moment, I think I was
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: caught up in everything this guy was because he was
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: everything that one wasn't and I just thought, well, he
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: does this, and he does this, and he has this
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: on paper, and the internet seems to support us, and
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: I kind of like fell into my own little trap
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: of what was real and what wasn't. And I think
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: that I changed a lot through that relationship. I think
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: that person changed tremendously through the relationship, and we just
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: were not compatible at all whatsoever at the end. And
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: it was one of the easier breakups I've had, even
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: though it was an engagement. We had dogs together, thought
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: our life was together, and I walked away from it
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: so confident, and now I just almost the bad part
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: about it is almost me saying, you know, the hyper
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: independent trauma response, as my therapist calls it, where I'm like,
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: I'm like, relationships are so hard.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: Uh, yours preaching to the choir.
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm just like it scares me now because I'm
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: just like, you know, you think you know somebody and
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: you think it's right, and three years down the road
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: that person could not be right for you anymore, and
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: it's scary.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: Do you think you give in to I call them
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: my non negotiables, Like I made a list of what
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: it was that was just not ever going to work
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: for me in a relationship, what I didn't want, and
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: I was, you know, being very specific and kind of like, well,
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: I'm really narrowing this down. I don't know who's going
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: to fit into this category. But have you done that?
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: Oh yes, Oh my gosh. And I I laugh every
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: time at my list because it'll be like, no more
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: bachelor guys, Caitlin.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: Oh my god. Okay, I'm so happy to hear you
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: say this. I'm really feeling like you need to go
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: elsewhere to find okay, or that.
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: I honestly don't. I just feel like I'm I have
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: I have a list, like obnoxiously long list, and some
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: of them I go Caitlin like, don't you can bend
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: on that one? But I'm just like, am I making
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: it too hard on myself? Way? Wait?
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: Wait, what's when you could bend on?
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: Like I don't want them to have a podcast? I
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: feel like I feel like the podcast actually like tore
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: us a part of my last relationship.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, get a guy that doesn't have a podcast. It's
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: not that hard.
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: Every guys, I feel like every you know that trend
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: where people will be like, hey, there's a guy without
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: a podcast, and You're like, where because every he has
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: a podcast, which I love because I love the podcast
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: community so much. But I'm like, why is that? Why
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: is that all my non negotiable? I guess because I
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: have trauma from it?
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I feel you though. I I was married
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: to an actor for a long time. I'm always around actors, wow,
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: And I was trying to make the actor thing work,
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: but it did not work for me whatsoever. Yeah.
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: You probably have this common bond with somebody if they're
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: in the same industry as you and you've been through
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: similar situations and you do it's exactly that word. You
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: bond over it and then it's like, Oh, they understand
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: me and I understand them, and I don't know something.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: You get a little fooled, Yeah, you do get.
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: I feel like I've been bamboozled in the past.
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: Bamboozled.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: That's such a good word.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: You've been so open though, Like with your journey to
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: love and breakups. How are you feeling about another relationship?
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: Will you let it be in the public.
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: I probably won't until it is, like, you know, I
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: always talk about the foundation of a relationship, and in
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: my last two the foundation was built online, like in
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: front of people, and I just feel like I really
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: would like to try a different approach this time. And
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: although I am like, I kind of find myself feeling
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: guilty about that because I do share so much, and
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: I do feel like that's part of who I am,
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: as an open book and sharing everything and not caring
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: what people think. But when it comes to dating right now,
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: I just feel like I want to keep it so sacred.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: Same thing with my house. I you know, I thought
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: about doing this big house tour and showing everybody, and
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I think I'd like to keep my relationship
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: that part of my heart and my home sacred for
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: me right now and not open it up to even
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: though it's so much love and support and joy, there's
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: a lot of criticism and I'm just like wanting to
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: just build this healthy foundation first and then I'm sure
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: eventually I would share, but in this moment right now,
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: I think I want to keep it myself.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I think your instinct is absolutely right, because all right,
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: being sharing and being open is such a beautiful, vulnerable
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: quality that you have. You have to honor that in yourself,
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: you know.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I just I'm like, I you know, when you
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: see people online where you're like and then they break
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: up and you're like what, And it's so shocking because
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: you like were inspired with them, you look up to them.
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: And I myself just because like even in my other
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: relationships that I've shared online, those those things still happened.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: There was still those moments that we shared, but there's
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: always something.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: Absolutely you never know what's going on behind closed doors.
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I just I think that's part of a relationship.
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: To me, feels like I need to put all beautiful
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: things out there because I don't know if people want
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: to even see messy things like that or be like, well,
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: why are you sharing that, So I feel like, you know,
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: right now, let's just let's keep it all to ourselves.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: I like that idea, they do. Do you think that
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: any of your relationship ups and downs have changed your
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: outlook on marriage in general? Maybe you know, not going
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: public is a step in the right direction.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: But I just go like I really do. I was
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: never one of those girls that grew up being like
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: I can't wait for my wedding day and blah blah.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: Like I was always like, oh my gosh.
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: Really yeah, yeah, But I think you're like me. You
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: love love. I love love.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: I do. I am a sucker for it. I really
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: am a sucker for it too, And so I do.
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: I do like the idea of marriage. I do like
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: the idea of having a family. But I don't know
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: if anything's changed. I feel like I still have the
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: same like sometimes I think I need to soften up
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: a little bit on because I do love love. But
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: I try to be too tough sometimes and my friends
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: always call me an undercover softy because I act so
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: hard on the outside with like, yeah, I don't know
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: if I want to get nearried, But they're like, you
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: you are a lover, like I am, deep down, and
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: I just think I've always I don't know. I think
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: I've always had the same beliefs and thoughts and ideas
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: of what love is. It's just I think I've maybe
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: gotten more secure in my own self so I can
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: like talk about it differently now.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, I'll say this with all sincerity. I
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: know it's hard because I've been through it all. Yeah,
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: when you go through all of that heartbreak, though, how
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: do you choose love again?
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I honestly I don't. I wish I
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: had an answer. I don't know. I feel like I
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: talked about that this past weekend at this it's like
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: an intensive It was so beautiful, it was so cool.
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: It was so scary. It was so messy and great
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: and lovely.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: That's awesome.
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I did talk about that. I was like,
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: you'd think the older you get in, the more wisdom,
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: the more heartbreak and the more lessons, you would feel
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: more confident going into another relationship. But I actually feel
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: like I'm more confident in myself and I'm less confident
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: and more insecure about real love. And I think that's
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: okay because that's where I'm at right now. And that's
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: where you're at. Yeah, And I still like, I feel
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: like I'm always this walking contradiction. I have so many
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: different thoughts at the same time, so many different beliefs,
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: so many ideas and things that I go why I
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: just said the opposite and then I'm saying this, and
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: I do it all the time. But I'm like, that's
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: just part of who I am. And I just have
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: so many different thoughts around relationships and love that I
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: actually don't know how to answer that question because I
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: don't know how to believe in it. Again, I just
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: I do. I just don't know how to explain it
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: or do it, or I don't know.
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: I think you're exactly right. You are in the space
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: of loving yourself right now, and in our to do that,
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: you have to be all in, you know, and you
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: don't need somebody else's opinions or you know, parameters defining
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: you getting to love yourself. Yeah, I've been there. It
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: wasn't until I was after my second divorce and i'd
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: been with him for a long time. We had three
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: beautiful kids together, and it wasn't until after that that
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: I started to do the journey and started to do
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: the work and find who I really was because I
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: had no idea. And it was in that that I
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: fell in love with myself finally, and all I wanted
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: to do was hang out with me yep and like
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: my dogs and my kids. And then that seemed like
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: and I know they've said this before, but that is
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: when it happens.
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I believe that. I totally believe that. And I
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: think I think somebody who's also done the work and
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: been through their own you know things, is important and
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: I just feel, yeah, that's I mean, that's shown up
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: in my life right now. I'm not I'm not not dating.
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: I'm you know, I've I've I've been consistently on a
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: date with somebody, and I'm just you know, that's like
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: as much as people know, and it's it's really like
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: kind of helping me believe in people. Again. I think
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: that's also my problem. I think it's not even love.
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: I think it's humans. I grew up in a such
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: a loving environment with true friends, and I think real people,
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: real people, And I think going on TV and being
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: in a world of social media has rocked my world
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: with trust issues and using the word bamboozled again, like
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: where you think you know somebody and their intentions aren't
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: what you thought, and it's just like it rocks my world.
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: So I don't even know if it's about love. I
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: think it's about people. And I'm just like, kind of
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: what you said, I'm I'm like, how do you leave this? Hi?
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: I have a dog with me too right now.
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: It's just the best. It's the absolute best. And especially
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: dogs because my friends and family always laugh at me
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: because they go Babies, dogs and old people are like
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: your three favorite things because they can't hurt you. And
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: I was like, that's so true.
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: It's so true. I think that's an okay list of
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: things people to hang out with.
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: And I don't. I don't even stop at dogs. I'm like,
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: I want a horse now. After this last weekend, I
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: am destined to have a horse. All the animals. I
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: just love it.
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: That's so great where you live? How's the dating pool?
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: Not?
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: What's it like out there?
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: I've you know, what's so funny is I've so I
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: live in Nashville and I've never dated, Like, I haven't
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: been on a date with somebody here. I Nope, we
• 37:58
  Speaker 2: got to go to New York for that. I feel
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: like I feel like there's or Canada, good ones in
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: Canada and New York. Yes, I've only heard through the
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: grapevine of friends dating in Nashville that it's the worst.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: But I'm not sure why.
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: I feel like Nashville is the new La, Like it's
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: a mini La.
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like Nashville is starting to do LA
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: better than LA does LA.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: It's full of La guys. Yeah, full of musicians, two
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: categories that are yeah, dicey.
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: You're right, it's the yeah and everyone's here just to
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: like live out their dream of being a musician. So, yeah,
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: I have heard it's rough out there.
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't envy you. I've already said I if
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: I have a divorce from my husband now, which I
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: hope that doesn't happen, I will absolutely live the rest
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: of my life just with my animals. I fully, I'm
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: gonna Doris day it just move out of town.
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: I honestly, I think about this all the time. I'm
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: like a ranch in Montana with animals sounds dreams, Yeah,
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: right up, my alley.
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: Absolutely. Okay. You know how patterns repeat themselves in relationships.
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: After you've been in and out of relationships, good and bad,
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: you start to recognize patterns and other people like, have
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: you been able to say, oh, look at this, here
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: are my patterns.
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: Oh yes, Oh, I like I call it being an awareness.
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: Hell after you do this my therapy, Like it's almost
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: I'm hyper aware of my patterns and I work on
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: them so much. But there's it's like ingrained in me,
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: and it's it's it's wild. But I think it really
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: does stem from so my parents divorced and then I
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: lost my best friend. So I think I'm just truly
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: terrified of loss. And so I find my pattern is
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: to look for either the other shoe to drop or
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: an out because I'm always having you know, my guar up,
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: and I'm waiting for something bad to happen. And I
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: do feel like I punish myself by doing that. I
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: find that And you know, it's another funny thing that
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: I learned from being with a horse this weekend is.
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: It sounds so weird, so weird.
• 40:16
  Speaker 2: So what I learned from being with a horse is
• 40:20
  Speaker 2: I was trying to lead this horse. And I pride
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: myself on like being an animal lover, and I'm like,
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: horses love me, and so I was trying to walk
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: this horse and the horse wouldn't go with me, and
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: she was like, what is coming up for you? And
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm being needy, like impatient and needy where
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: I'm like, come on, all animals love me, like you
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: come with me? Like you're embarrassing me. And she was like,
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: does that come up for you in your life? And
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I think I have been needy in my past,
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: and I think the hyper awareness now of that being
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: a pattern, I'm so the opposite where I'm like, I
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: find the neediness embarrassing and I don't think it has
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: to be. It's it's kind of just like about being
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: aware of it. But it was interesting that that came
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: up because that's something that I've noticed in my past,
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: just like even though I'm this independent, strong, you know
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: all this, but I can be really needy in relationships
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: and that's when I start to lose myself. So it's
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: I think that would be a pattern. But most most pattern,
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: the biggest pattern that keeps patterning for me is probably
• 41:26
  Speaker 2: the fear of loss and sabotaging it myself.
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so interesting your story because you said when
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: you're younger, you experienced these huge losses and then your
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: life's work has become to you just have been sent
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: more and more loss. Yes, in these relationships that haven't worked,
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: And so something is really sending you a very strong
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: message on what to focus on. Yes, in allowing yourself
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: that grief.
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: Yes, it doesn't have to be so scary, like I can,
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: I will survive. Yeah, And I keep showing myself that.
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: But what do they say that? Like, there's some saying
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: is like what you don't heal will be revealed, or's
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: something like it's just going to keep showing up until
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: you heal that part of you and then and then
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: what I'm like, Well, if that part of me is healed,
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: I'll just find something else to focus on. Yep, else
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: to destroy.
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: I know there's always going to be work to do ourselves,
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: I think until our last breath. I sometimes I'm like,
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm so tired of evolving.
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: I know it's exhausting, it's exhausting, it's so exacting. I
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: compare it always to I always try and think of
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: my body as my home. This is where I'm constantly living.
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: You want to take care of it, but there's always maintenance.
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: Something will always be wrong, There's always going to be
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: something you need to fix.
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: Or rebroken wood around the windows, you got to get
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: it painted.
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: Yes, no matter what, there's always something And that's also
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: a blessing that I have live in a home you
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: know that I can fix and take care of. And
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: I have to treat myself like that too.
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yep, Okay, you're going to be this big things
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: coming up for you. You're about to enter your forties
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: in June. What's the date, June nineteenth? June nineteenth, Yes,
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: that is a big milestone birthday. What do you hope
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: to gain in your forties and what do you hope
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: to leave behind you from your thirties?
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: Okay, I hope to I hope to gain a little
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: more softness because I think I think that's part of
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: my life lesson is to soften and like even even
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: you know, when I think of myself, and like you
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: said at the beginning, and I'm it's like my favorite
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: compliment if somebody says badass, like that still means that
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: I can be soft, you know, like that still means
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: that I can and and not that I'm not. I
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: really am soft, but like embracing that, and I think
• 43:57
  Speaker 2: I think I need to let go of the fear
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: of life, like and that comes in every form, like
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: I do grief counseling for when my dogs go because
• 44:06
  Speaker 2: I'm so scared of losing them, Like it's My best
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: friend said something to me the other day and I was.
• 44:11
  Speaker 3: Like, whoa.
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: She goes, do you think this is your last life?
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: And I was like, why do you say that? And
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: she was like, because I feel like you really are
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: like trying to find your life purpose and she said,
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: and you are so sad of like loss and time,
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: the passage of time. She's like more than most people,
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: and she lost the same it was our best friend together.
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: So she she's lost her dad. She said so much
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: loss too, but she's like, you take it harder than
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: most people I know. And so I'm like, oh my god,
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: is it my last life? I have to figure it
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: all out.
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: But I do think that I don't think that has
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: anything to do with it. It being your last life.
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm okay with it if it is, because I
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: feel like I'm I feel like this is a very
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: good one and I'm happy with it. And I do
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: feel like I'm on this like quest and search to
• 44:57
  Speaker 2: find like the meaning of life. And I love, But
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: I think I need to With all this therapy I've
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: done because of the loss, and with seeing every single
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: time how I get through it, I think I need
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: to stop focusing it on it so much. It's almost
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: like I'm manifest loss because I think of it so much.
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: I think I would like to loosen up a bit
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: there and maybe leave that in the past and then
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: gain in my forties. Oh my gosh, I think I
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: want I think I want to. The simple thing of
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of people are doing this right
• 45:31
  Speaker 2: now is say no to the things that like you
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: don't really want to do.
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: Because so hard, so.
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: Hard, And I feel like, especially I do the comparison
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: things sometimes where I'm like, why am I not on
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: that carpet interviewing people, or why am I not doing this?
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: Or why am I? And I'm like, I've actually craved
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: this downtime that I'm in right now for so long,
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: For I mean so long ten years, I've been like, Okay,
• 45:55
  Speaker 2: don't go, go, go go. In my forties, I think
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: I want to just like reap the benefits of the
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: hard work and still work hard, but like kind of
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: like take it all in in my.
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: Forties appreciate it.
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, appreciate it.
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: Yes, appreciation is the same as gratitude. And I found
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: so much peace in allowing myself to have gratitude because
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: there were so many times in my life that I
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: thought I was in most people's eyes, I've been so
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: lucky and or you know, I've had this life that
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: I felt almost ashamed of it.
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I understand that. I mean, you you have had
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: a really beautiful career. You're so talented, and your your
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: voice is so soothing by the way, like podcasts, I'm like, oh,
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: it's just like there's something very peaceful about your energy.
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: But it's yeah, it's it's that's That's a good way
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: to think about it, as to appreciate all the hard
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: work and and not that you're you're like, okay, done here,
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: Like you're podcasting. It's hard work, you know what I mean.
• 47:02
  Speaker 2: But it's appreciating where you've gotten to and loving what
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: you do. I think that's another thing, like choose the
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: things that I love to do. I love podcasting, I
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: love dogs, I love doing I love sharing stuff on
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: social media. I really do. I love doing it. I
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: just I need to cut back on the consuming of it.
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: But sharing I love.
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the consuming that gets you.
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: I just I see myself in you so much. I
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: think because you love so hard, yeah, is the reason
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: you grieve so hard at a relationship because I know,
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: for me, I'm the person that hangs on like I'm
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: the person never wants to break up. And what can
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: I do? And how can we work on this? How
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: can we make it better? I know we can fix this.
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: And because I am a very very hard worker, and
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: I think if I put my mind to it, I
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: can fix anything. And so I think that's why it's
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: so hard for people like us, that the grief and
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: just how it really hits you hard.
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: That's a good point. I don't know if I've ever
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: put those two together, that when you love hard, the
• 48:09
  Speaker 2: loss is hard. Like that's that's a good point.
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: Are you do?
• 48:12
  Speaker 2: You know what you are on the enneagram?
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: What's that tell us?
• 48:16
  Speaker 2: Oh? You need to do it? So anyagram is actually
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: so hard to explain. I had like an enneagram expert
• 48:23
  Speaker 2: on my podcast years ago to it helped me understand it.
• 48:25
  Speaker 2: But it's basically there's like numbers one through nine like
• 48:29
  Speaker 2: a personality test.
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: Yes, my daughter just told me about this she's settying psychology.
• 48:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, oh cool, that's amazing. Put me in touch with her.
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: And yeah, I'm a four with a three wing, and
• 48:43
  Speaker 2: I feel like there's so many similarities between us with that,
• 48:47
  Speaker 2: Like I would be shocked if you weren't that, because
• 48:50
  Speaker 2: a four like really has big feelings, very sensitive. That's
• 48:55
  Speaker 2: just a couple. There's like there's good and bad to
• 48:57
  Speaker 2: every number, but a three is also like a hard
• 49:00
  Speaker 2: worker and a go getter and the achiever. And I'm
• 49:05
  Speaker 2: so a mix of those two things. And I felt
• 49:07
  Speaker 2: validated and seen when I read those two types of personalities,
• 49:11
  Speaker 2: because I'm like, why do I think I'm the only
• 49:13
  Speaker 2: one out there that feels like this. I'm not. There's
• 49:16
  Speaker 2: so many people that feel the same way. And it
• 49:18
  Speaker 2: was just it was really validating to read about my numbers.
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and what you were saying before, it's so so
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: so important to remember that one no is a full sentence,
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: and two you can be strong and still be soft.
• 49:32
  Speaker 1: Like you said before, two things can exist at the
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: same time.
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: Yes, Like when I need to stop calling myself a
• 49:38
  Speaker 2: walking contradiction, I'm just like the true definition of maybe
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: five things being through at the same.
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: Time, I feel like you're really curious, You're really curious
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: about yourself about relationships. Like I've always also said, like
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: I suck at relationships. I just I can't do this,
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: Like I am a person that cannot have a healthy
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: relationship no matter what, because I will do something to
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: bust it open. Yeah, yeah, the same as and I
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: don't And just learning that about myself and then I'm
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: able to sort of step back and watch when it's
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: happening and like try to turn it around.
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: Yes, I have out of body experiences sometimes where I'm like,
• 50:21
  Speaker 2: I'm doing the thing.
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: I'm doing the thing.
• 50:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And there are like, obviously you found love, and
• 50:29
  Speaker 2: you know there are people out there that see that
• 50:33
  Speaker 2: as the beauty that it is. You know what I mean,
• 50:35
  Speaker 2: that is that's what makes you you.
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I just it's so important to me to
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: have somebody that loves all the parts of me. Yes, oh,
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: my damaged parts, the parts that other people see as
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: extra or too much.
• 50:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean I watched my mom be too much
• 50:55
  Speaker 2: all the time, and she's like one of the biggest
• 50:57
  Speaker 2: inspirations to me.
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and now as you get older, like she's not
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: being too much, she's just being her and that's so amazing.
• 51:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, she is so and that like I think
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: she is going to live the longest life because she
• 51:11
  Speaker 2: just enjoys it so much.
• 51:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I hope.
• 51:14
  Speaker 2: So.
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: Okay, before I let you go, Caitlin Bristow, what was
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: your last I choose me moment?
• 51:22
  Speaker 2: I would? I would say this past weekend where I
• 51:26
  Speaker 2: I you know, I have a little bit of guilt
• 51:28
  Speaker 2: because my best friend in the whole world it was
• 51:30
  Speaker 2: her husband's fortieth birthday and I would have had to
• 51:33
  Speaker 2: travel to Canada and I had to say no because
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: I had to choose me and go to this retreat.
• 51:39
  Speaker 2: That truly just I was like, what more can I
• 51:42
  Speaker 2: learn about myself? This is so fun? And I learned
• 51:44
  Speaker 2: so much more about myself this past weekend, and I
• 51:49
  Speaker 2: just I'm just such a believer in that kind of work.
• 51:52
  Speaker 2: So I think I really chose me this weekend.
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: I love it. I love it. I love you. I
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: think you're awesome. Thanks so much much, and I just
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: send you so much positivity and support.
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: Same to you. I honestly view there's some sort of
• 52:07
  Speaker 2: special energy about you, and I mean that. Oh thank you, Yeah,
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: thank you for having me, I really mean that
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: I appreciate it so much.