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Being There for Someone: How can I not make it about me? · Infinitely Precious

• 0:00
  Intro: Welcome to the Infinitely Precious podcast produced by Infinitely Precious LLC. Your host is James Henry. Remember, you are infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are.
• 0:12
  James: Hello, beloved. It's me, James, and I've come to speak with you and share some thoughts once again. Many of you may know that if you're watching this in video format, that on Tuesdays, I run this, thought as both a video at noon in on multiple different channels, Facebook, website, etcetera. And then I turn the audio from this into my Tuesday version of the podcast. Later in the week, on Fridays, I drop a a podcast that is just the podcast, which is along the same formats.
• 0:58
  The reason I mentioned that is because, for the first time, today, this is a question that didn't arise so much from me as it was asked of me. Now as you know, I don't answer questions so much as share some thoughts about the way I would reflect on a particular question or a way of seeing things. I share some practices and other kinds of things. And I I can't help but tell you how exciting it is to actually answer someone else's question or respond to someone else's question, share thoughts about someone else's questions other than my own. So if any of you wanna take me up on asking your questions or sharing your thoughts, I invite you.
• 1:50
  The best way to do so is to send them to infinitelypreciousllc@gmail.com. And I will look over them, and if there is a way for me to respond, I'll sit with it and see if there's something I can say I can't promise. If there's a lot of questions or if there are questions that, don't fit this format, then I'll be able to answer them, but I'll do my best. So having said all of that, which is taking some time, I wanna share with you the question and then some responses to it. The question that was asked of me is how can you be there for someone?
• 2:37
  How can you be present to someone and not make it be about yourself? Not make it about me. It's a great question because almost everyone I know is trying to be there for someone else. It could be a significant other. It could be for, their children or their parents or their, siblings or friends who are struggling with something.
• 3:10
  Lots of people I know are trying to be there for someone. How do you do that, though, without making it be about you? I'll tell you, first of all, it's easier said than done. And second of all, you are part of the equation. If you are being there for someone else, if you're attempting to help someone who is struggling or facing a difficult situation, walk with them along the way.
• 3:46
  You bring you. And you is a whole package deal. Can can we just be honest with each other for a moment? You is a whole package deal. And what I mean by that is whatever your motivations, the ones that you know and the ones that are underneath the surface that you even haven't examined yet, are part of your being there with that person.
• 4:16
  And so if if you're concerned that being with this person, you are putting your own stuff on it, that you're bringing your own things into it, your own projections. There's no relationship in which you don't bring projections. You bring your projections to your relationship with god. You bring your real, projections into relationships with every other being in the world. You, whether you realize it or not, you are projecting on those folks that you encounter, your own stuff.
• 4:49
  Seeing them really as they are is hard work, and perhaps the subject of a different podcast another time. So here's what I would say. Here are my thoughts about being there for someone without making it be about you. As you enter into being there with someone, sit with yourself for a moment, probably longer than a moment. If you're a journaler, I encourage you to pull out your journal and begin to ask the questions of yourself.
• 5:23
  Why am I doing this thing? What is it that is drawing me into being there for this person? Is it a sense of obligation? Is it a sense of guilt? Is it, some combination of those two, or is it something else?
• 5:43
  It's rarely just one thing. It's rarely just altruism. It's often you want to feel better about yourself, or this person has been there for you many times, and you feel like you ought to reciprocate. There are any number of motivations that may be, inviting you to be present with that other, to be there for them. So name them.
• 6:10
  Be honest with yourself. Figure out why it is, what it is you're bringing into these things. Why does it have to be about you? What are your coping skills that you're bringing into this? What are the things that the other person is going through that are bringing up things for you that are triggering, responses in you?
• 6:31
  Or are, you know, are they struggling with illness and you have difficulty dealing with illness because you've had to deal with it before and it didn't come out so well? Or, are they having struggles in a relationship and and you've had relationship struggles, and knowing the risk, the struggles they're having and the struggles you had brings up some of that stuff for you. If you can be honest about the things that you are taking in to any relationship, any engagement with other human beings, if you can be honest with yourself about them, you can at least, having named them, be aware when something is stirring up inside of you to make you want to be there with them, be about you instead of about them. But you have to be able to recognize naming them gives you something to recognize when it starts to rise up. Being able to name what is happening allows you to recognize when it's rising in the way that you're treating the other person.
• 7:52
  I'm gonna say something else too, and that something else is this. You are, by being there for someone, you're setting aside time in your schedule, you're set aside setting aside energy and engagement principles in your life, and there is some desire for you, by you, for an outcome for a particular outcome. When I go into relationships, I I kinda like to have sometimes, I have my own, in the back of my head at least, some kind of outcome. I'd I'd like to walk away feeling I helped. I'd like to know that I was fully present when I was there.
• 8:38
  And, I mean, there are other measurements that might you might put on it. Naming them, let's say, even if it's something like obligation. This person has helped you before, and you feel like you've gotta help them now. And the reason that you want to help them or be there for them is obligation. Now when I say that word obligation or duty, it may sound to you immediately like that's a bad reason to be there with them.
• 9:10
  Who said? I mean, who who decided that responding out of obligation, out of a sense of duty is wrong? Who said that it's negative? Are you putting stuff on yourself because you're, because of perhaps your motivation for engaging with the other, for wanting to be there for the other? Be careful how you judge yourself when you enter into that kind of desire to assist the other.
• 9:47
  Because, you know, your primary, motivation may really be that you wanna help them. And there's all sorts of other little things floating along because we rarely do anything for just one reason. Being aware helps you set aside those things. When you start making it about yourself, when you're with this person that you're helping or assisting or just being there for, when you're being there with them and stuff starts rising that you can tell is trying to make the conversation turn toward you or make you feel better about yourself, when you see it starting to be about you, you can let that go. Being aware of it, having named it before you've entered into this, connection allows you to step back and say, hey.
• 10:49
  Hey. That's what's rising in me right now, and I'm not gonna let that get the better of this being there for the other person. We all bring ourselves into every relationship, and we bring all of ourselves, all of our motivations that are on the surface, you know, the way we want to see ourselves, but also the things, the motivations, and and feelings that are under the surface that we don't wanna see, that we're uncertain of, that a depth psychologist might call the shadow within us that is motivating us to do what we do. And that shadow may rear its head. And it'll teach you something about yourself.
• 11:35
  But this isn't a situation where you want to be, you know, teaching the other person about you. You learn about yourself when you're not with the person, when you're not assisting the person, when you're not, being there for them, when you're back by yourself and have a moment to reflect. You can see that stuff. You can learn more about what's going on inside of you, and you can choose to deal with it at a time other than when you're with the person and being there for them. No person is a simple person.
• 12:07
  No reason we help the world or engage the world is a simple reason. We are complex people. We're made this way, and we've learned to cope with a lot of different things over a lifetime. And some of the ways we've learned are not healthy ways. And when we feel those things rising in us, we can take those opportunities to let them go for the moment, but not forget to come back and deal with them.
• 12:33
  Those are my thoughts on that question. Again, I encourage you. I would love to hear your questions and your thoughts. I don't mind sharing whatever is rising up for me in a given day. But when you ask a question or have a thought that you want me to reflect on, it's a wonderful opportunity for me to engage, and I thank you for that.
• 12:54
  So thanks for the question. Thank you for any other questions. You can send an email to me at infinitelypreciousllc,all1word,@gmail.com. Until the next time, remember, you are infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are. So all the best to you.