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4. MyMaine Birth Hayley's Maine Coast Memorial Hospital Birth Story, Ellsworth Maine · MyMaine Birth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: I'm Angela and I'm a certified birth photographer, experienced doula, childbirth educator and your host here on the my Maine Birth podcast.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: This is a space where we share the real-life stories of families and their unique birth experiences in the beautiful state of Maine, from our state's biggest hospitals to birth center births and home births.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Every birth story deserves to be heard and celebrated.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Whether you're a soon-to-be mom, a seasoned mother or simply interested in the world of birth, these episodes are for you.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Welcome to episode four of the my Main Birth podcast.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Today's birth story guest is Haley, and she's here to share all about the birth of her oldest daughter, fiona, with the care of the midwife team at Maine Coast Memorial Hospital in Ellsworth.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Hi Haley, welcome to my Maine Birth.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: Hi, this is Angela.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: Remember when she did our pictures on the beach, when we looked at the starfish?
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah hi, leah.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: So we're also going to be chatting with your good friend, leah, who was actually your birth partner during your birth with Fiona yeah, she was my birth partner, so it was kind of fun, um, and probably I don't know if we remember things exactly the same way and neither of you know she doesn't have any kids.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: It was my first kid, so it was like very educational for both of us, oh my gosh, ok, so we're going to hear Fiona's birth story today.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: Fiona was the big dramatic one.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: But then, you know, leah went a lot smoother and I knew what to expect and everything.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: But then I hemorrhaged at the end with her and I'm lying there.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: They're like pounding my uterus, they're jabbing me with Pitocin.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: Everything got real serious and I was like distinctly remember, holy crap, like this is crazy and this is happening.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: And then I was fine, obviously, and so that was the only drama there and that was kind of funny.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: With my son, he, they wouldn't give me an epidural.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: I was begging for an epidural and they're like like we'll just wait a few.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: I was like, no, no more waiting, like get it now.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: And they're like, well, you have to use the bathroom, like you have to get up and go over there and use the toilet before you have him, before they'll give you the epidural.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: I mean, that wasn't true, but obviously I was like too like pain addled to argue with them.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: So I squat down over the toilet and his head basically falls out.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: So then they like have their head under me, I'm like waddling back over, and he was born like five minutes later.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: And then the you know anesthesiologist walked in right after that.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: So each one had its moments, but Fiona was just crazy from beginning to end, so yeah, so I figured I would just go with her.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: Where did you decide?
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: to birth at.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: In Ellsworth, yeah, so I went through the midwife practice there each time but, yeah, it was a very different experience each time.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: I really liked them.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: My worst experience with them was my first experience and I was actually I like literally had PTSD from it and so when I got pregnant again, I didn't want to go there and I went, tried to go to Blue Hill but it was just too hard with all the driving.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: So then I finally, after my first trimester, went to them and kind of like told them what happened and like why, um, why I hadn't wanted to come back.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: And then it was like through that whole process that actually the PTSD ended up healing and resolving, like from my first pregnancy.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: So I'm really glad it worked out that way and they were like very, very conscientious of like the things that had gone wrong with Fiona.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, so overall, yeah, it was good, but if I had just been left with what happened with Fiona I would have been like not good.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: So it's because it's crazy, childbirth is nuts and I remember I love this idea for a podcast because, like when I was a first time mom, I just like wanted to hear every single birth story that I could.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: I was like so obsessed with finding out like what had happened to everybody.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: So it's super cool, it's wild, it's a wild thing.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: That's like that's how human beings enter the world all right, it looks like your friend Leah is joining us now.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: Hi Leah, oh, there she is, yay.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: Hello, I'm Leah.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: It's been a while since I've told this story, like at first I told it all the time like trying to understand it, and now it's been so long, so it'll be kind of fun to dredge up the memories.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: So can you tell me about when you found out you were pregnant and a little bit about how your pregnancy went?
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I got married in July, july 11, 2015.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: And you know, decided that we wanted to have a baby and so I took out my IUD and the next cycle found out I was pregnant and I remember like taking the test and the line was really faint, like I knew, like I was counting days, so I knew like the earliest I could take one.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: So it's really, really faint, and I showed my husband at the time.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: He's like no, I don't think that's a line.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: So I was like expecting this, like oh, oh, my gosh, and he's like looking at it and I'm looking at he's like no, I don't think so.
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: So then the next day I took it again.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: I'm like I still see it and we're like maybe, and then the next day took it again.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: So it's kind of this like ramp up to like really be like okay, yes, this is definitely a positive um.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, I was like super, like excited, but also like whoa, you know, because when you take your IUD out there, like oh well, it could be like a year, six months or years, like don't, basically don't come back right away, like if you don't get pregnant.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: So I was kind of thinking that I would have some time and I was like, okay, well then, now that now's the time.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: So I went to the midwives in Ellsworth and it's kind of cool because they're midwife practice.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: So you see there's four midwives.
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: You see each one of them like a different one each visit because you don't know who's going to be on call when the time comes.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: And, um, yeah, it was pretty cool.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: So, like the first appointment, they do the whole like anatomy and you see, like what happens that whole first trimester and um, they're like this is why you're so tired, because it goes from like a few cells to like what resembles, you know, all the parts of a human in those weeks.
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: And so that was like pretty cool.
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: Um, and yeah, I just remember like, oh, I remember, right before I got my pregnancy test, I um, I didn't know it at the time, but I remember coming home and being like my first graders have BO like this.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: They are so stinky, like it's so gross, like in first graders even have BO.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: This is like so weird.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: And then, um, you know, then later found out I was pregnant.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: I was like because I'd been teaching for years and like they never smelled, smelled.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: And then my other two like pregnancies later.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: That was my first sign.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: Each time is like that serious smell, sense of smell.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: But I just remember like, oh, these first graders stink like it's a middle school classroom, so that's pretty funny.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: Um, and then I had cravings for like cinnamon and peach peaches and gas station station pizza, and that was like the only foods that didn't make me feel like throwing up the first many months.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, and then everything was kind of like just standard procedure through the pregnancy.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: Did you do any other tests during your pregnancy?
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I did the panorama test, uh, right off the bat, which does all the chromosomal disorders and everything.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: So that was a little bit terrifying but that came back like within whatever expected ranges, but we didn't find out the gender for her.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: And then, yeah, we had the ultrasound at 20 weeks and then didn't have another ultrasound until she was overdue and they started checking like the fluid levels.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: So I think everything was like normal and had been normal, so I opted out of like any additional checks toward the end Now.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: how about your labor and birth?
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: How did that all unfold?
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: And, Leah, feel free to add anything you'd like.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I don't even remember, like, when I asked Leah to be to come with me, I remember, like contemplating it and being like, you know, my husband at the time like he's like funny and he's like you know, like might be nice to like be a distraction or whatever.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: But I was like I need like female energy, you know, I need, like you know, just another woman in there with me.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: And, um, you know, I was like, ah, this seems like a lot to ask of a friend, because I was like, oh, none of us are going to be able to unsee this.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: But, um, yeah, I remember asking her and her being like, yeah, and I was like really yeah it was months ahead of time.
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: I think you knew pretty early on that you wanted somebody there and, yeah, I was like, of course.
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: I mean, someone asks you to.
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: You know, a friend asks for a favor, you say yes if you can't it's a pretty big favor.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: I remember you said you're watching, like call the midwife for training.
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: And then I immediately had to stop watching midwife because it was not helping.
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: And then I immediately had to stop watching Golden Midwife because it was not helping.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Leo, is this the only birth you've attended?
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it was the only one and, yeah, I actually had hoped that I could, I could attend the second one as well, but it happened while I was out of town, so, well, out of the state.
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, never, never thought that that would be something that I would do, but I'm really glad that I did.
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: I really thought.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: I really thought that she needed my help, like I thought that she needed me specifically and that this was a good friend of mine, who, who, yeah, who needed me.
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: So I'm like sure I can, I can do that.
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: I'll give it a shot, yeah it's a pretty intense, an intense ask.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: But well, it makes sense really to want to have someone there just for you, because you're in this altered state of mind, this labor land going through it, and you're not in your normal rational thinking brain yeah, that's so true, and I really I had like thought about getting a doula, but I wasn't sure.
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: And now I can definitely see, like based on everything that happened, like you're so at the mercy of everything that's going on around you and you I mean, at least I was so just like delirious with the pain and the confusion, and it's like if any really serious decisions had had to be made, I would have been really hoping that the people around me like wouldn't know how to make them, because I was like I couldn't have.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: There would be no way.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: So that was like crazy.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: And even, like you know, you are also in like such a heightened, like emotional, and you go into this like super, like your world goes from very big to like only that moment, and so, like if anyone in the room needs to be managed, including said husband, like you need sometimes need a buffer, including said husband, like you need sometimes need a buffer, and I remember doula saying that to me when we, when I talked to one about that, she was like you know, sometimes I can even be like hey, husband or mom or whoever, like it's time for you to go get a sandwich, and I laughed at the time.
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: But like now, going through this three times, I'm like, yeah, I can see how that is really valuable to have that person who's like in their right mind navigating all the people, all the questions coming in and out, even like when you know the midwives all had different personalities and like the midwife I ended up with was not like my total favorite one.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: I mean, we kind of resolve things afterwards but, um, she was, her bedside manner was a little rough, so like having someone to help mitigate that and to process those conversations after, and there's just like so much going on and you're just in this, like I don't know, I guess it's like the reverse of an out-of-body experience.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: You're like so in your body that you don't you have such little bandwidth to like understand things.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: I mean, at least that's how it was for me.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, so, having like a birth partner is huge and like and luckily, out of my three births, that was the one that I really needed someone.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: So it did work out that that was the one she was able, um to be at, and especially it being my first.
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, so, and we didn't know, you know, obviously, when it was going to be and Leah was in Portland and I was in Ellsworth.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: So we knew that like maybe she wouldn't be there because, like she was also on call for my second birth, who actually ended up?
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: I named my daughter Leah after her and but she was in like a library conference in Baltimore or something that week.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: So Cleveland, cleveland.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: But yeah, so I, it was kind of funny, it was kind of funny.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: So I went on maternity leave early at like 36 weeks because they were, you know, she was really really low and I was in really bad like pelvic pain and I was starting to dilate a little bit as a face and they're like you know, if you can take the time you should, I was like, okay, sweet, like you know, because by 36 weeks you're pretty much like over it.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: And uh, yep, so I went on the train leave and had nothing to do for six weeks because she came two weeks late and then I was induced.
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: So, um, yeah, that was a funny lesson learned.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: It was like hurry up and wait and so, yeah, so I just couldn't believe that she was late because I was convinced for so long that she was coming early.
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: So it's like excruciating waiting.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: So then they started doing like it was like when she was a week older, late, they they checked, like they did an ultrasound to check her fluid levels and she was okay.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: And then it was like every two days we started coming in to check and I think it was like I think my due date was the second and so on July 11th, which was my one year anniversary, we went in for the appointment and she's like, well, you could wait.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: Like we're definitely inducing by the 14th, it's the 11th, so the longest you can wait more is three days.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: Uh, but I have, like these other women that were like already scheduled, or she was expecting them to be scheduled or something like that, and she's like so, basically, so, basically, it's going to be really busy the end of the week, so if you want to be induced now, um, you know, we'll just do it now.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: So we went, you know.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: So they were like we can induce you and I was like, okay, this is actually great because, like now I can let Leah know she can get up here.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: Um, you know, so this hospital bag that I'd had packed for weeks, like I drove home to get it, it packed up the car like we got a sandwich on our way back to the hospital.
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: Um, and you know, it was like just super exciting and it felt like I don't know.
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: It's like that montage before, things like all go to shit and you're just like to do like happy and sunny and then it's like everything goes crashing down.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: It was like that Like I just didn't even know it was coming yet and it just felt like we're going on vacation, like this anticipating of like all this excitement or whatever, and that's like before I knew what it would actually be like Do you remember what time?
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: Because I'm trying to remember I was at work, I think.
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: I just I think I just drove and it's it's like three hours, but I think I got there on the 11th, but I can't remember when it would have been you did.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: You got there like kind of late at night, I think, because I know I had dinner first, and then I got there and I got settled and they started the um, whatever I forget serve, serve a, serve a, a deal, yeah and yeah.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: And then I think you got later that night and we had the plans that, like you could, we could all spend the night because I think we had.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I slept in the chair yeah, because we didn't know how long it was gonna take, so that felt good.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: I have like this of me, like all hooked up to the probes and my belly ad, and I'm like, here we go.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: And I remember they wanted to give me morphine to also like help it move along.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: But I had just the three days before a family friend had passed away from cancer and they had given him morphine at the end and I, just as the association was like too close and they explained how safe it was and everything, but I was just like no, I can't do morphine, I feel super weird about that.
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: So they just did the Cervidil or whatever the to start the dilation process or whatever the to start the dilation process.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: And so all night long I'm like, do I feel something?
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: Do I feel something?
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: Do I feel something?
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: Now?
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: Is something happening, like, and I woke up in the morning finally after like yeah, and the answer was no, nothing happened.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: And so they're like okay, this is fine, like this is normal, like sometimes it takes a while, and I was like, oh, like, so that was like my first taste of discouragement in the process, because I was like, oh, I like didn't really sleep.
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: I've been here for more than 12 hours already and I'm in the exact same place I was last night and but it had started like I had started cramping, and so I was like my back hurt, like uncomfortable, but nothing was like showing up.
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: So they're like okay, well, we're just gonna give you another dose.
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: And so they gave me the next dose and I want to say like I think Dan left for a while.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: I think he was like you guys seem good.
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he's like I'm gonna go to work and try to like get some things done and like keep me posted.
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: And they're like yeah, we don't know how long this is going to be.
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: So Leah and I were like hanging out and it was uncomfortable, like I definitely felt like really bad period cramps but and like tightening, and I'm like feel this, do you feel this tightening?
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: And she's like yeah, it's tightening.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: But they're like no, that's not it.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: I'm like but something's happening, because I'm like very uncomfortable.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: And they're like yeah, no, this is a long process.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, so we just like we're hanging out, talking.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: People were checking in, sending messages, and I think they gave me one more dose like around lunchtime, because it's still nothing had happened, and that's when things kind of started picking up and I'm like, okay, I'm like really uncomfortable, like I'm not like feeling so happy and chipper anymore and we started doing laps around the hospital, just back and forth and just talking and talking and laps and laps and laps.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: And that went on for a while.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: And then, like I kind of remember, I came back in and I'm like definitely not happy anymore and I'm like this hurts, like this does not feel good.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: And that's when I kind of remember, I stopped checking my phone.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: I don't think I sent another update after that point and oh, this is something I forgot to mention too.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: So I had this whole like birth mother thing.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: Like I had a very detailed birth plan about like exactly how everything was going to go and I was going to be in the tub and it was going to be like those pedals, and I was going to like, oh, and the baby would come out and I wouldn't need any meds and I was just going to like harness, you know, like earth, mother, energy, and just like be amazing and um, and that was like the only.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: So it was funny, because everyone's like you don't know like how it's gonna happen, but I felt like all I took away from that is like you don't know when it's gonna happen.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: I don't think I really fully absorbed, like you don't know how it's going to happen.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: I just thought't think I really fully absorbed, like you don't know how it's going to happen.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: I just thought like well, that's what's going to happen, I just don't know when the time comes, we'll go, we'll move into the room with the tub.
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I just had this whole vision.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: I was like I've been, like I took an eight week mindfulness course, I'd done the silent day retreat, I'd done my meditation, you know, with the baby and the breathing and everything, like I'd done the whole thing.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: I'd read all the books, like I was like I am trained, prepared, whatever.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: And I thought that you know, the strength of childbirth was like running a marathon, like if you're just mentally strong, you're going to get through it.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: And it was at this point where things started kind of like really being uncomfortable, really being painful.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: I started getting more in my my mind or whatever, that I realized that like this was going to happen to me, like I wasn't in charge of it, like all the training, like like it was happening and I was there, but like it did not feel like I was in charge of it.
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: Like all the training, like like it was happening and I was there, but like it did not feel like I was in control of the process.
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: And so by the middle of it it felt like not at all, like a marathon.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: It felt like you're on a plane with turbulence and it's nighttime and you're scared, shitless, and you're like I hope the pilot knows what he's doing, because you're just like it was awful.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: So the strength came from like tolerating, like the fear and the pain and like it happening and not like you doing anything to like get through it.
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: So that was a really huge realization and like shift in, like my naive you know coming into it.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: And the other thing that's ridiculous is I have like the worst pain tolerance on the planet.
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: Like I get a band-aid and I let it dissolve in the shower over days, like I do not rip it off because it hurts.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: So like how I thought I was gonna not have pain meds in childbirth was like very ridiculous, but I was like convinced that I was not going to have pain meds, you know, so, yeah.
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: So then we went back to the room and yeah, we're in this like waiting room, so there's beds and there's this chair and there's all our stuff and there's a bathroom, but we're not in a delivery room.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: So I had signed the release for the tub room and they're like you know, when it's time, when you're further along, whatever, we'll move you over.
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: So I was like okay.
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: So I think this is like the afternoon now and we had like the exercise ball out and we're like doing some stuff.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: But I was just kind of like this really sucks, like this really hurts like a lot.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: I don't like this.
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: The sucks like this really hurts like a lot, I don't like this.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Um, the excitement was gone.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: I was just like, oh, you know, and um, as we got closer to like dinner time-ish, like five o'clock-ish I don't know, it's all kind of a blur, but there's this time period between like five and seven-ish where the midwives started coming in and checking and I had been at that point like really serious, really not feeling good, really hurting, and I had been uncomfortable all day.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: I hadn't slept the night before.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: So I'm like, oh, this is bad, like I'm not okay anymore, and they're like you're like two centimeters and I was like what Like?
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: And they're like you're, and they kind of made me feel like I was over-exaggerating, which I have a low pain tolerance, so maybe other women like wouldn't have been as distraught about this situation as me.
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: But I'm like I've been in pain all day, like I'm only two centimeters, and they're like this is like just the beginning.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: And I was really starting to like freak out because I was like this is just the beginning, like I have like 12 more hours of this, like I can't do 12 more hours of this.
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: And then I just started feeling so crampy and everything just started feeling messed up.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: And I remember going into the bathroom and the mucus plug came out and all this like junk came out and it was just like coming out of me.
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: So it didn't feel like peeing, it just felt like dump.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: Just stuff was like dumping out of my body and I'm like calling for the nurse and she's in there.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: I just start sobbing and I'm like make this stop, like this is not okay, like this feels disgusting, I don't know what's happening.
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: I don't like this, I'm not okay.
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: And she like you're fine, this is just normal.
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: And she was like okay, but she wasn't like super warm and fuzzy, which maybe was okay, but she was very much like this is like just what happened.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: You're fine, it's okay, we're gonna move you in here.
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: You're gonna like now, how about you lay down?
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: I think you were like pushing on my back.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: She was like showing Leah some things to maybe help, and I think Dan was back at that point and I started just having to close my eyes because I just like couldn't look at anybody and I remember Leah just like rubbing my back and I was just like focusing on my back being rubbed and we did that for hours we did that for hours, yeah, stroking, and and you were just barely there like yeah, inside your head, and I was just there rubbing your back or rubbing your legs, changing arms.
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: My arm got tired yep, and I remember like Dan at that point was there and he was like kind of joking and laughing or whatever.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: And I remember at one point just being like and I think Leo was kind of managing him a little bit at that point like kind of keeping him a little low key Because I was like not even the sound of people's voices were starting to make me feel like throwing up.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: And I remember just being like stop talking, like stop talking, I can't hear talking.
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: And he's like what?
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: And then I think I just started like vomiting and I was just like so sick.
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: And they're like okay, let's check you again.
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: This could like sometimes you vomit near transition or whatever.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: And they checked me and I was like three or four centimeters and they're like yep, you're only that.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: I was like centimeters and they're like yep, you're only that.
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: I was like what are you talking about?
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: Like I am not okay, I'm not well, I'm vomiting, I'm hot, I've been in pain, I'm like delirious, this is excruciating.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: And they're like yeah, and that's when the midwife she's like Haley, labor is this long.
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: And she like held her arms out like pretty wide and she's like and you've done this much and like shrunk her hands down like very small, and I was like how can this be, like I'm not going to get through this, like this is crazy, how can this just be the start of it?
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: And so, you know, things are real hazy again, like beyond this point.
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: Know, things are real hazy again, like beyond this point.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: But I know it was nine o'clock the last time she checked me before Fiona ended up being born, because Dan kept saying how long, like I need to let my parents know because they're going to bring in my son, and like we're trying to get a ballpark.
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: So, like what time should I prepare them for?
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: And I remember it was nine o'clock, cause she was like, well, she's four centimeters.
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: We usually plan on one centimeter per hour roughly.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: So guess six more hours, which would have put us at 3.00 AM.
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: And so he texted them like 3.00 AM, you know.
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: And so I just that memory stands out to me again because I'm like six more hours, like are you kidding me?
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: This is nuts, like this is, this is bad.
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: And I think at that point, or I don't know when it started, leah, but I was not like oh, and meditating, I was like like, I was like swear, like I was swearing, I was like this how like I'm not okay, whatever.
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: And they're just um of like you're fine, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine.
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: And so then I don't know like exactly when it happened, but it was sometime, maybe around 10 o'clock, maybe an hour later, and we're still in this waiting room because they're still like she hasn't progressed.
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: So we're just hanging out in this waiting room and I'm like haven't moved in hours, I'm just laying on this bed like just wanting this to be over and just so much pain.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: Every contraction was just excruciating.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: And then all of, and I think at that point that's when I started doing like help me, like I'm not okay, and then all of a sudden I was like I have to push, and so my water had never broken, but I was like I had to punch, like I screamed it right, and they were like what something happened, did you run out and let them.
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: I was, yeah, I was there with you and I don't know if it was your water breaking, but something occurred.
• 29:36
  Speaker 3: There was there, was there's something there that wasn't there before, and I was alone with you and I looked around and I was like oh, and I like ran up to the nurse's station and I said something is happening to her.
• 29:53
  Speaker 3: I was like we need help now and they were like oh, and they like perked up and came in, yeah, and then they checked you and yeah, it was like it's happening now, like yeah, they're like you're 10 centimeters.
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: So I had gone from four centimeters to 10 centimeters in like an hour and some change probably, which kind of explains why it was like so incredibly painful, like it was just so fast and I was literally delirious at that point.
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: I was just, I think just during that whole transition time I was screaming, swearing, moaning, just just a disaster, just like.
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: And I kind of remember from the mindful birthing class they said like the moaning and the intonation or whatever could like help.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: So I remember those vibrations like semi kind of feeling, like it was absorbing a little bit of the edge.
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: And yeah, I think at some point did I ask for meds?
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: I feel like I did, and they were like your birth plan doesn't have meds on it.
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: I was like, fuck the birth plan.
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: No, no, this is the plan, this is the plan.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they're like no, I had coached Dan.
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: Oh, that was the other thing I had read.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: Oh, which book was this?
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: I think it was the hypnotherapy book I forget which one it was called now and it said when you get to transition, a lot of women start saying I can't do this.
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: So I had practiced with Dan like 50 times.
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: Like when I say I can't do this, tell me you're almost there, because that's what the book said and we had practiced in the car randomly, I'd be like what are you going to say?
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: When I say I can't do this?
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: He's like you're almost there.
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: So I'm like I can't do this and he's like you're almost there he said it like twice and then he just gave up on you, kept saying I can't do this, and we just kept saying you're doing it, you're okay, it's you're okay, I think he was saying ride the wave, because in mindfulness class they said it like pressed and then it drops out.
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: So enjoy the pause.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: He's like enjoy the space.
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: But then they would boom.
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: Another contraction would start seconds after that.
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: I'd be like, no, not again.
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: So my enjoy the wave was like split seconds until it started again.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: And so, yeah, I kind of have a few memories of his like phrases that he interjected.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: And so they come in and they're like whoa, you're 10 centimeters.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: And they're like we don't have time, we can't move you over.
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: Like you're, this baby's coming right now.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: And so they start paging the midwife, who is nowhere to be found anywhere there.
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: I hear them on the phone and so at this point my eyes are still closed, but I hear things like happening around me and I hear them saying like where is she?
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: Have you called her again?
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: And they're like.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: So they come back in and they're like we are going to, we're going to have this baby right now.
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: And like don't worry, like the nurses are also trained to do this.
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: They're like but we need your help.
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: And so Dan went out and started wheeling in stuff that they needed.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: I think he wheeled in the incubator and he wheeled in like a couple other things and I think you were grabbing washcloths and we were like getting set up.
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: There were no stirrups in the bed, so they put Leah on one of my legs and a nurse on the other leg and they're pulling my legs back to straddle.
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: Because I'm in the right bed, I'm flat on my back, which is a terrible way to birth a baby.
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: And then something was going on with the heart rate and so they were having dan hold on the oxygen mask and they're still repeatedly calling the midwife, calling the midwife, calling the middle.
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: She's not coming, she's not coming, she's not coming.
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: And, um, I remember the nurse telling me to like stop swearing because I was going to give the baby a potty.
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 33:50
  Speaker 3: And I kept swearing so much and afterwards.
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: Lee was like you know, you didn't need a favorite nurse, I don't care about that nurse, it was fine.
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: But like I can't imagine, if anyone was trying to have like a peaceful water birth at that time, that there was any relaxation in the whole maternity wing or whatever.
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, so I'm just like so freaked out at this point, just yeah, like Leah's holding a leg, the nurse is holding a leg, dan's holding the oxygen, they're telling me to push and then, right, you know however many it wasn't that long 10, 15, 20.
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: I don't know, somewhere in that ballpark.
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so, but so this is all before midnight and I think her official birth time ended up being 10 50 pm.
• 34:39
  Speaker 3: So, um, yeah, you're pushing and the midwife does arrive she doesn't want, she walks in and she's very surprised by what she sees.
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: And I think she's like, okay, I'm here.
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: And she's like, stop pushing.
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: And I'm like what?
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: She's like you're going to feel contraction, do not push.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: I have to unwrap the cord from your baby's neck.
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: And I'm just like this is just getting worse and worse and worse and worse, and I'm just like I cannot even understand any of this.
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: So I'm like not pushing, she's doing something.
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: There's the most excruciating pain ever.
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: And then she's like they just handed me this, like writhing, slippery, warm, like creature, and I'm like what's happening?
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: What's happening, what's happening.
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: I kept saying it over and over again and they're like Haley, you just had a baby, this is your baby.
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: Like you're holding your baby, it's done, she, you know the baby's out or whatever.
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: And because we didn't know the gender, I thought they were gonna say like it's a girl, and so I'm just holding this baby.
• 35:57
  Speaker 2: And we're all like well, dan and I were like what is it?
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: They're like check and see for yourself.
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: And I'm like so, just out of it, by this point, I'm like what?
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: So we're like looking down and she's still, like you know, she still has the umbilical cord attached.
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: So Dan's like it's a boy.
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: I was like leave it to a man to think that a giant umbilical cord is his son.
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: And the nurse nurses were like check again.
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: So we, like you know, spread the legs.
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: We're like oh, it's a girl.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: And Leah said later that she knew when they had wheeled stuff in Right Because they had like pink blankets and they had all kinds of pink things.
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: And yeah, it was apparent to me at that time.
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: So I guess it was on the chart that she was a girl, so they had like prepped the pink stuff, but of course I didn't obviously know, my eyes weren't even open, so yeah.
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: So then she was like out and I was just like so confused and delirious and whatever.
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: But I do remember that all the pain stopped like that second and I was just like, wow, she's here, or you know.
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: And then, um, then they I don't remember what order they did it, but you know delivered the placenta, which freaked me out.
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: And then they had to do stitches and, um, yeah, then we were just like trying to get parents in and in-laws and figuring it all out and they did all their things that they do with her and she was fine and everything was fine and it was just like, and now it's over.
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: And it was just such a weird like to go from so much intensity to just like like that's it, we're done, we're good.
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: And it was crazy.
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: But I had some pretty serious, serious pelvic problems after that, just horrible pelvic floor problem.
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: She had bent my tailbone and because I didn't know what was normal or not, it took me over a year to get to the right physical therapist to get you know everything addressed, and so that was a huge learning thing.
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: Like I just thought, oh, this is what it's like.
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: It just destroys your body.
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: And the other thing that was really weird is I also learned this later in my process, but I read the book the Body Keeps the Score and it's about like PTSD and I'm probably not paraphrasing this exactly correctly, but it said something like when a trauma isn't, um, integrated, you know, healthfully or whatever, um, your body goes back to the actual experience and the actual sensations.
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: And so, you know, I'd always heard like, oh, you don't remember the pain of childbirth.
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: After it's over, it fades away or whatever.
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: But for me it didn't.
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: And for months and months and months I would have dreams of the exact intensity of the pain.
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: I remembered every detail for so long, just excruciating pain.
• 39:08
  Speaker 2: It would make me like sweat thinking about it.
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: It was awful and I was like this you know, it never felt like it was going to go away.
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: But then later, after I actually had gotten, because when I got pregnant with my second daughter, my first emotion was like terror about having to go through this again and I didn't want to go back to the same practice because I was afraid that the same thing was going to happen.
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: So I tried to go to a different practice but I ended up going to the practice and I'm not a person to like really advocate for myself or whatever.
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: Oh, we didn't say this part.
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: So my midwife was with her grown son in the ER.
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: He'd had like a tick bite and she thought you know that we had so much time.
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: So she was with him and he's like a pretty well-known person in our area, like he's a singer and like we'd all known him and listened to his music and I'm like so my midwife's over with him while I'm having like the worst experience of my life, and so I had just like a lot of fear around the person not being there who was supposed to be there, around the whole loss of control, around this excruciating pain that I was not prepared for and I just was like I, you know, and I shared all that.
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: And then just kind of like a little bit about the bedside manner and not feeling like really respected because I felt like, looking back now it's like I was right, like if they had paid attention to my distress they might have known that it was progressing faster, even though the exact, the exact measurement wasn't there.
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: My body was progressing just a little bit out of order or something, which is why all exploded at once.
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: So I felt like not really heard or not like listened to, kind of talked down to when they were like you have so much more, like you're not, you're like too upset for like this stage of the game.
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: And so I shared all that with her and she's like you've got to talk to her, like you've got to tell her.
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: I was like no, I don't want to, it's fine, it's over.
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: This is two years ago, three years ago.
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: And she's like nope, you got to talk to her and I did, and she apologized and then she was in the rotation for my next birth or whatever, and it wasn't until then that then it all faded and like now I can't remember it anymore, like I know it was excruciating and I know I was upset, but I can't feel those sensations anymore.
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: But until I fully like process that and came full circle, like back to the midwife and had those conversations, it was like my body was trapped there in some weird way.
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: It was like my body was trapped there in some weird way.
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: So that was really interesting because I've never experienced, like I don't know, something that you like you read about like textbook and I'm like, oh, that's what it was Like, that's why that happened that way, so yeah, so it was definitely an intense experience and like very shocking that like this is how humans come into the world.
• 42:14
  Speaker 3: I remember that's what we said afterward.
• 42:16
  Speaker 3: We kept saying is that how all babies are born?
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: How are there so many people, if this is what it takes?
• 42:25
  Speaker 2: exactly.
• 42:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like I was telling you before.
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: You know when we first started.
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: It's like when I was, when this was unknown.
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: You know when we first started.
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: It's like when I was, when this was unknown.
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: You know, I wanted to hear as many stories as I possibly could and was always like, how did you know, and how long did it take, and this and that and that, and yeah, now when people ask me about, like well, what happened with you, I'm like I can tell you, but you're going to know zero percent about what's going to happen.
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: You know once, once, once it starts, because it's just, um, yeah, it's really amazing and mysterious that way and like, and I think it's so tied to, like the person that is born.
• 43:03
  Speaker 2: I think that birth story, like also how they come into the world, I think has a lot to do then with like who they are, and I think it's all like somehow connected.
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: Oh well, thank you so much, Haley, for sharing your birth story today, and thank you, Leah, for joining us.
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, thanks for inviting me.
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: Before you go, I just want to remind you I have a ton of resources for pregnancy and birth.
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: If you're pregnant, whether you're a first time mom or if this is your fifth baby, I want you to check out the show notes, because I have some free trainings and free downloads that you can sign up for, as well as the link to access my labor of love, a comprehensive, self-paced online childbirth education course.
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: I created this course specifically for moms who don't want to be told what to do, regardless of where you're birthing or who you're birthing with, and I'd honestly love to teach you everything that I know so that you can prepare for an autonomous birth experience and prepare to step into your role as the leader of your birth journey.
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: So click to the show notes, check out all of those links and, if you ever have any questions, feel free to DM me at my main birth over on Instagram.