Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 27 - Family Breakups Be Happenin

Transcript

Episode 27 - Family Breakups Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

0:00
SPEAKER_01: I live in like it.
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SPEAKER_01: I believe like it.
0:03
SPEAKER_01: I believe I guess it's a good idea.
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SPEAKER_01: I believe I guess I believe I guess we might as well talk about it.
0:15
SPEAKER_00: Might as well, yo.
0:18
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
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0:57
SPEAKER_00: On today's episode, we're going to be discussing family breakups.
1:01
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes family breakups is a part of life and upbringing, and it's an unfortunate part of life in the family dynamic, but it does happen.
1:12
SPEAKER_00: I have had experience with family breakups of different types, and you know it's more common than we think, especially nowadays, as people heal and set boundaries and just grow apart, honestly.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: But before we dive into that, you already know we got to do a moment of gratitude.
1:32
SPEAKER_00: So if you are listening today, say something out loud that you are grateful for.
1:36
SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
1:39
SPEAKER_00: Today I am grateful for a good cry.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: A good cry can be so cathartic and release so much built-up stress, emotion, pressure that we have inside that we didn't even know could be released from a good cry.
1:57
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I can feel so overwhelmed and just in need of a release, and I will kind of make myself cry to get it all out, and I'll feel much better afterwards.
2:11
SPEAKER_00: And crying to me in my relationship with it used to have a negative like emotion associated with it to me.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: But today I'm not afraid to cry, especially if it helps me feel better.
2:22
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, if you haven't had one in a while, get you a good crying.
2:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, it'll serve you.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: But all right, let's get into it because family breakups be happening.
2:34
SPEAKER_00: So, what is a family breakup?
2:36
SPEAKER_00: It's exactly what it sounds like when you have chosen to either fully, partially, or quietly separate yourself from the family, whether that be emotionally, physically, or just you know, like giving your energy to the family.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: It is something that happens, and it is unique in the sense of it's not like a normal like relationship breakup.
3:03
SPEAKER_00: It's a little deeper than that because this is your family.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: And like I said earlier, it is something that is happening more and more these days.
3:12
SPEAKER_00: And there's a few different types of family breakups.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: We have the full estrangement, which is no contact, whether that be by choice or by force.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: We have the slow fade, where just over time you gradually start to show up less and less, and you're more so family just by like name and like blood, but not like being a unit in the community aspect of the family.
3:40
SPEAKER_00: And then you got like conflict-driven, like it's beef, like something didn't happen, and now y'all just not talking, which kind of piggybacks on full estrangement, but um, you don't have to have a conflict to be fully estranged, but usually the conflict makes you fully estranged.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna be talking about all of those.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: Regardless of which family breakup it is, there is definitely a grief that goes along with it.
4:07
SPEAKER_00: There's a special kind of grief that goes along with grieving someone who isn't past, someone who's still alive and that you could technically contact, but that relationship, the person that you thought they were, or the person that you wanted them to be, doesn't exist.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: And that is a grieving process that you have to go through.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: What specifically makes family breakups more difficult than like a romantic breakup, I feel like romantic breakups, there's like a script.
4:39
SPEAKER_00: You cut them off, you remove all the past history and photos and memories and stuff of them, just a clean slate, move forward.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: With your family, these are people you've known your entire life, and there could have been different levels of proximity, closeness that you had to your family.
5:03
SPEAKER_00: And if you have this point of like, these are people that I knew and that are literally related to me, and now we have no sort of connection, contact, anything, that's that's not the same type of hurt as someone that you chose to date or be with and then ended that relationship.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: Like, this is more close to home.
5:26
SPEAKER_00: What I have seen in recent days is when people choose to separate themselves for the family for their own mental health reasons, which is usually the reason why people leave, because they gotta respect their peace and honor themselves and set the boundary.
5:44
SPEAKER_00: It's seen as like a betrayal, especially in communities such as my own.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: Um, people don't see the thing that got them to the estrangement.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: They just see them as like family over everything.
6:00
SPEAKER_00: Not that I completely disagree, but it's not gonna be family can disrespect me, and I am just supposed to deal with that because y'all are family.
6:08
SPEAKER_00: Like it's not family over everything.
6:11
SPEAKER_00: There is a respect aspect.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: And maybe before in the past, that was something that was acceptable, but today is new day.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: And so I see a lot of people choosing themselves, and usually they are the villain in their family story.
6:26
SPEAKER_00: Regardless of how the family looks at them, you know, I completely respect people who choose to honor themselves after being disrespected or dishonored, um, to walk away from any sort of situation or relationship, but especially family, because that is the hardest.
6:45
SPEAKER_00: And, you know, as you move through the grieving process of who you thought they were or who you wanted them to be, it gets a bit easier, but it's still something that doesn't go away.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: And I know that specifically.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about all the different kinds of family breakups.
7:07
SPEAKER_00: The first one, and I feel the most common, is the slow fade.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: This is when the calls get fewer and further in between, the visits slowly stop, holidays start to get skipped, you start seeing the family less and less.
7:26
SPEAKER_00: This doesn't have to happen after like a direct conflict, but there's usually something that stirs this up.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: Um, from my own experience, it was me trying to express the situations and issues and problems that I was having and how I needed support, and not only not getting support, but further getting like disrespected.
7:54
SPEAKER_00: And so it just really came down to a choice of do I want to make this like a conflict or do I just want to remove myself?
8:03
SPEAKER_00: And I felt like if I were to bring it up, I wouldn't be heard and it wouldn't land, it would fall upon deaf ears.
8:10
SPEAKER_00: I have tried bringing up each of my problems to my family, and for one reason or another, it was just like looked over.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: So I felt it was best for me to just slowly remove myself without this big situation that severs the ties.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: And when that happens, you know, there are times when I am put in situations, situations where I need to see my family.
8:40
SPEAKER_00: Um, for example, when there's like significant family events, then, you know, I'm put around family members.
8:49
SPEAKER_00: But for the most part, I don't go around them because there is like a pain and a sadness, and we're sitting here acting like everything's normal, but we all know like there's something different here.
9:04
SPEAKER_00: So I would just choose to not deal with that because that's not enjoyable for anyone.
9:10
SPEAKER_00: I leave feeling very like shaken and rattled.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: My nervous system is on high alert, and it's like, do I really want to deal with that every time I go around somebody?
9:20
SPEAKER_00: No.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: So I choose to minimize as many times that I need to be around them as possible, and that's just for my own sake, that's for my own well-being, but also it just is very uncomfortable, and I feel like when you have that slow distance that you are living through, that ambiguity, that gray area of not having like a clean separation or any closure, or this re-affliction by sometimes you're going around them and being around them, that's a very unique grief in itself.
9:59
SPEAKER_00: There's something about having to be around someone that you've grieved that lands a bit differently from never seeing the person again.
10:14
SPEAKER_00: It's very unique.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: It's hard to explain, but if you have been in that situation, you can understand like to go around this person that you know you've known the way you view them now is completely different from what you grew up knowing, and understanding that that relationship is like really severed, it hurts, it's not enjoyable.
10:38
SPEAKER_00: Um, and it makes you feel like you should go no contact altogether because maybe that would be easier for you to feel versus the latter.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: And I definitely feel there are some pros to the slow fade, like you don't have to deal with the big blow up, you don't have to deal with the tears or the fights or the difficult conversations or getting disrespected or disrespectful in an argument, but it also doesn't really allow a space for repair.
11:11
SPEAKER_00: You know, I have my own idea of what I think would happen if I were to bring the situation to my family, but I don't know for sure because I haven't given it the opportunity.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: So there's that ambiguity with that that you just have to live with if you choose to do a slow fading method for the family breakup.
11:34
SPEAKER_00: Now, there are admittedly times where I feel guilty, but there are also times where it's like y'all should feel guilty too.
11:41
SPEAKER_00: Because I did this just didn't happen overnight.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: This just didn't pop up in the last like couple years.
11:47
SPEAKER_00: This has been going on in different aspects of it's like y'all see this is I'm dealing with these things and nobody's doing anything.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't know if this happens in a lot of different cultural family dynamics, but I know specifically in like the black community, we like to sweep things under the rug.
12:10
SPEAKER_00: We like to choose sides and be loyal um historically, previous generations, instead of looking at what's right and what's wrong.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying this is what happened to me, but you know, when you have that family member who does something very inappropriate with you or with people in the family, and like the family knows about it, and nobody does anything, like this man could come around and be around the kids and be around the family and no one's confronting him, like things like that.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: Like, why is nobody stepping in?
12:41
SPEAKER_00: Why is nobody whooping his ass?
12:44
SPEAKER_00: Why is nobody putting him out?
12:46
SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm talking about.
12:48
SPEAKER_00: Again, not my experience in general, these types of things come up.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, it's like you know that there are issues that I'm dealing with with people in the family, and it's having a big impact.
13:02
SPEAKER_00: Why is nobody saying anything?
13:04
SPEAKER_00: Why is nobody stepping in as the adults?
13:07
SPEAKER_00: And then you turn into an adult, and you're like still dealing with things in a sense, but now you have choice.
13:16
SPEAKER_00: Now you don't have to come around, and so you're like, that's what I'm gonna do.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to step back, but you still love these people, so it doesn't make it any easier.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: So I believe the slow fade is the most loving way to end the family relationship that there is, you know, not every relationship can be repaired, and just because there's no explosion doesn't mean there isn't a hurt or guilt associated with it.
13:45
SPEAKER_00: But I feel it's better than the other ways in which you can end a family dynamic.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: Which brings me to the conflict.
13:53
SPEAKER_00: Now, this is exactly that.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: There's some significant event that happens that ends the relationship or makes you want to end a relationship, separate yourself from a person.
14:05
SPEAKER_00: This could be behind the scenes, this can be at in front of the family at a holiday, maybe there's an argument, maybe sometimes things get physical, like there's a big situation that causes you to completely cut ties.
14:21
SPEAKER_00: This one I feel is the most painful, and most of the times there is no like recovery from it.
14:28
SPEAKER_00: Uh, I feel when these things happen, each side feels like maybe they don't have a blame in it, and they're waiting on the other to come and make it right.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: And so there's nobody working to fix the situation, and that's when you move through life without repairing this relationship.
14:47
SPEAKER_00: What I have learned from not only just seeing like other people in a conflict and watching their relationship sever, but going through my own conflict that has ended relationships.
15:04
SPEAKER_00: The thing, the situation, the big like occurrence that happens usually isn't the thing that causes the breakup.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: That's just like the match that sets things on fire.
15:18
SPEAKER_00: But there are years in historical context that builds up to this point.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: There are unconscious beliefs, there are traumas, there are family dynamics that play out because of the way the relationship has been carried out throughout the years.
15:35
SPEAKER_00: There's jealousy, there's envy, there's all these different things attached.
15:40
SPEAKER_00: The conflict just sets all that shit on fire.
15:43
SPEAKER_00: And even though it might happen between two people, it usually spills over to everyone.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: Because once there is a rupture, a situation, a conflict, then it's like who chose sides?
15:56
SPEAKER_00: Whose side did you choose?
15:57
SPEAKER_00: Who stayed quiet?
15:59
SPEAKER_00: Who is like sticking up for this person when they know they're in the wrong?
16:04
SPEAKER_00: Who is then being like a hypocrite because it's like you are saying this, but you have done the same things or you enabled this behavior.
16:12
SPEAKER_00: The conflict tends to get really, really messy.
16:14
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you even have people who are acting as if nothing happened.
16:18
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know which is worse.
16:21
SPEAKER_00: The people who choose sides, the people who stay quiet and just like stay out of it, or the people who act like they don't know what's going on.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: Like, we can be family and have conflict and come to a resolution and talk things out without it getting to this explosion.
16:39
SPEAKER_00: You can love somebody and call them out on their shit.
16:42
SPEAKER_00: You can love somebody and tell them, hey, you were wrong.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: But unfortunately, at least in the generation before me, and maybe there are still people in the world who do this, but like you people think that if you love someone, you have to agree with them, you have to take their side, you have to be loyal.
17:03
SPEAKER_00: Loyalty does not mean you are oblivious to bullshit.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: It means that you are staying by them through their hardships, you're staying by them through their obstacles that they're fighting.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: It don't mean you're staying by them when they're doing some foul ass things.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean staying by them when they are causing the issue.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: If you love someone, you gotta call them out.
17:25
SPEAKER_00: You have to hold them accountable.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: Love does not mean enabling.
17:30
SPEAKER_00: It's quite the opposite.
17:31
SPEAKER_00: If you love someone, you're gonna make sure they do their best in the world.
17:35
SPEAKER_00: They show up as their best selves.
17:37
SPEAKER_00: And if you are just letting them slide with bad behavior, then do you really love them?
17:44
SPEAKER_00: It's not love.
17:46
SPEAKER_00: You're just further perpetuating this terrible behavior.
17:50
SPEAKER_00: We will dive into this a bit deeper on another episode.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: But one reason a lot of the family members that I do not talk to today are cut off, or I it's more of a slow fade.
18:04
SPEAKER_00: It's not like I'm like, fuck y'all, like that wasn't the case.
18:07
SPEAKER_00: But they were enabling bad behavior.
18:11
SPEAKER_00: You see that someone is doing something that is affecting me.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: Like, there's no way to look at it any differently to be like, oh, I see why they did that.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: Like, no, like some things are just objectively wrong.
18:25
SPEAKER_00: Wrong.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: There's no denying it.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: And you're still staying by their side and denying my experience because this is your brother, son, cousin, whatever.
18:38
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's why we're doing this.
18:41
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so you're saying your loyalty to them is more important than my emotional like distress is more important more important than my well-being.
18:56
SPEAKER_00: All right, well, if that's what you choose, I can't be around you because you don't understand how this person's behavior has impacted me.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: You don't understand how dark their behavior has made my mental health and the type of spaces that it's put me in.
19:14
SPEAKER_00: So I need to stay away from all y'all.
19:16
SPEAKER_00: And it's not like uh I hate you forever.
19:19
SPEAKER_00: I just can't continue to go down this road because it always ends negatively.
19:26
SPEAKER_00: And that's all right, y'all be over there.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: I will love you from over here.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: But there's no accountability, so I can't be around that.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, when you are again put in these situations where there are very significant things that you have to go around family for, or maybe you don't, you don't have to go around, but I choose to go around for big significant events like funerals, weddings, things like that, like life-altering events.
19:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be there.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: It's like we don't, you don't you don't have to talk to me and act like things are good because they're not, and I'm not going to act the way you're acting to make you feel better because I'm not going to be fake anymore.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: Because I've already moved past it, I've already grieved it, and I'm in the process of healing from it.
20:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna be pulled back into the song and dance that you got going on over here to make you feel better.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: Because we both know this is built on a bed of lies.
20:30
SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to sit here and say, like, I have no blame in it, or I have no fault in it.
20:40
SPEAKER_00: Being an adult, I definitely have fault in not expressing when there is an issue.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: Everything from a kid, when it's between a child and an adult, guess who's to blame?
20:53
SPEAKER_00: Not the kid.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: So I take no fault at that.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: But even in the situation where it's like I really have done nothing wrong, again, objectively, I can still accept the fact that there are things that are within my control.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: Like I could express myself and explain the situation.
21:14
SPEAKER_00: I could be clear about the dynamic, um, but I haven't.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: And so like I can accept that part.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: I can sit with that part and recognize like that is mine to hold.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: Um, and that's where I need to take responsibility for, and I have, but everything after that, because let's say I do do the repair or I attempt to do the repair, reach out, and I met with the same thing.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: Now we're reafflicted, now we're re-triggered and re traumatized, and now we're taking steps back in the healing journey.
21:48
SPEAKER_00: Is that worth it to me?
21:50
SPEAKER_00: I don't, I really don't think so.
21:52
SPEAKER_00: So that's when we move to complete estrangement.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: I am not completely estranged from my family.
21:59
SPEAKER_00: There's only One real person that I am completely estranged from.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: But even in that estrangement, like I still have times when I run into my dad, unfortunately, because you know I have three brothers over there, and he's still part of the family.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: So I do see him occasionally, but in terms of talking, no.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: In terms of relationship, no.
22:26
SPEAKER_00: Like there is nothing there, like nothing at all.
22:29
SPEAKER_00: And I feel like full estrangement is the most stigmatized, it's the least understood and the most like looked at as disrespectful to the person who chose to walk away.
22:45
SPEAKER_00: It also feels like it's the one type that has the least consideration for the reasons as to why the person left.
22:55
SPEAKER_00: Nobody really cares why they left.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: They just look at the fact that they did left leave and treat them as such.
23:03
SPEAKER_00: Like, how could you walk away from this person?
23:05
SPEAKER_00: That's your fill-in-the-blank.
23:07
SPEAKER_00: That's your mom.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: That's your sister.
23:10
SPEAKER_00: Right.
23:11
SPEAKER_00: So, how is it that my family member who's this close can do the things that they did to me when I'm their family member as well?
23:21
SPEAKER_00: You ain't tripping off their actions.
23:23
SPEAKER_00: You're just tripping off the fact that I decided to leave because they're not gonna keep doing this to me.
23:28
SPEAKER_00: Why didn't you have this smoke for them when they was doing that?
23:31
SPEAKER_00: Why didn't you confront them when they were acting this way?
23:34
SPEAKER_00: You get mad at me for removing myself, but you'll let this person continue to mess with me and cause me harm.
23:43
SPEAKER_00: Who's really the problem here?
23:45
SPEAKER_00: But they're your family.
23:48
SPEAKER_00: Right.
23:48
SPEAKER_00: And that does not remove the harm or the trauma or the negative emotion that they have caused on this person or the physical distress they have caused on this person?
24:00
SPEAKER_00: That's not enough for me to stick around and continue this relationship.
24:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm not a punching bag, I'm not something you can just do whatever you want to because of blood, because of proximity.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: Because what happens when I remove that and stop looking at you as such?
24:17
SPEAKER_00: How do you think I'm going to respond to the harmful things that you are trying to impose on me?
24:24
SPEAKER_00: So once you walk away, now you got a 24-7 circuit of people trying to guilt you.
24:31
SPEAKER_00: If you got a religious background, oh man, that you're gonna get Bible thumped to death as to why you need to overlook the disrespect and go back to your family member, mom, dad, cousin, brother, sister, whoever, because that's blood.
24:46
SPEAKER_00: But they don't get told anything.
24:48
SPEAKER_00: You just have to go back and honor your family.
24:51
SPEAKER_00: Then you got friends who mean well, you know, you only got one mom, you only got one dad, or whoever, fill in the blank.
24:59
SPEAKER_00: Again, mean well, but nobody's looking at it from your point of view.
25:05
SPEAKER_00: They're just looking at it like this is your family member and you can't replace them.
25:09
SPEAKER_00: But this family member is causing me a lot of harm.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: So why would you want me to be around them?
25:15
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you look on social media and you see people who talk about their family who is no longer with them and how much they miss them.
25:23
SPEAKER_00: And if you still have this family, you need to make amends and talk to them, and people telling you that same thing.
25:30
SPEAKER_00: I definitely understand that, but let's remove titles for a second.
25:36
SPEAKER_00: Let's take away any sort of relationship title from a person.
25:40
SPEAKER_00: If just a regular person is causing you emotional distress, traumatizing you, physically hurting you, mentally hurting you, would you choose to stay around them?
25:54
SPEAKER_00: Would you try and convince somebody, your friend, somebody that you love, to go back to an abuser?
26:02
SPEAKER_00: No.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: But because they have this label of them being your family member, we're supposed to just not look at the neglect, not look at the abuse, not look at the harm, not look at none of that shit, and just focus on the fact that this is a family member.
26:20
SPEAKER_00: Nah, I can't do that no more.
26:23
SPEAKER_00: As someone who has learned to love themselves and put their well-being first, as someone who had to climb themselves out of a dark place that I was put into because of family and family responses to my situations, I will never put myself in that situation again.
26:43
SPEAKER_00: Not for the sake of the kids, not for the you only have one.
26:48
SPEAKER_00: I don't give a damn.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: Because if you think I love somebody and I'm gonna bring them around someone who did harm to me, you're out your goddamn mind.
27:00
SPEAKER_00: No, like love does not mean you just forget everything for the sake of a relationship.
27:09
SPEAKER_00: That is insane, and I really hope as a people we can move away from that because I feel that'll ultimately help the conflicts, the issues, the people who are causing the problems, because they'll know you can't just talk to people and treat people and do things to people just for the sake of like their family, so you can, and they you're supposed to be around, family's supposed to stick together, man.
27:35
SPEAKER_00: Nah, and so maybe one day, but that's gonna take a long, long time and a lot of work that I don't think we as a collective are even ready to embark on.
27:48
SPEAKER_00: There are certain places things I can see or watch or hear, people I can be around that literally like shake my nervous system.
28:04
SPEAKER_00: And I feel like that is something that is common in the estrangement family breakup.
28:13
SPEAKER_00: When you get to that point where reminders or triggers from this person or people shake your nervous system, that is indicative of just how bad the relationship or the things that they were doing were.
28:30
SPEAKER_00: And so to me, I feel like if you see that a family member of yours that you love is having this response based on another family member, how could you ever side with the person causing this distress?
28:45
SPEAKER_00: Like, what could go through your mind to make you want to agree with them?
28:51
SPEAKER_00: People do it, but like for the person who is feeling rattled and feeling uncomfortable, that isn't something you should continuously have to put your body through.
29:02
SPEAKER_00: It's very uncomfortable.
29:04
SPEAKER_00: It's like a fight or flight.
29:05
SPEAKER_00: When your nervous system gets rattled like that, it's because your body thinks you were in so much danger that it's trying to prepare you to fight for your life in some regard.
29:16
SPEAKER_00: Like it's a natural survival instinct, and it thinks you're in such distress that you have to fight for your life, and all you did was see somebody.
29:27
SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
29:29
SPEAKER_00: So if repair is not an option, the only thing you can do is go no contact because it's not fair to you to constantly put yourself in that situation.
29:40
SPEAKER_00: Like that's literally not good for you.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: So maybe estrangement is permanent, or maybe it's a season, maybe it can be repaired with a boundary, a conversation, some conflict resolution.
29:56
SPEAKER_00: Both can be allowed in the situation.
29:59
SPEAKER_00: Whatever you feel is best for you, if you want to attempt to repair, or if you just want to serve the tie and move on with your life, you are allowed to choose either one.
30:08
SPEAKER_00: As someone who has lived through it and is living through it, the guilt, the grief, and the relief are all very real and they can all exist at the same time.
30:22
SPEAKER_00: And it is okay to feel all three at the same time because these are people that you love.
30:27
SPEAKER_00: So it's gonna hurt, but it's also gonna feel better to not be traumatized and triggered all the time.
30:32
SPEAKER_00: Some things that kind of still carry over, even though you've gone through the family breakup.
30:39
SPEAKER_00: Holidays feel a bit different, you know.
30:42
SPEAKER_00: You grow up experiencing holidays one way, and then you look up, and it's been years since you've had that family gathering.
30:50
SPEAKER_00: And that's not to say they don't have it.
30:52
SPEAKER_00: I have they don't happen.
30:53
SPEAKER_00: I'm not a part of them.
30:56
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, that can feel differently.
30:58
SPEAKER_00: Um, the grief kind of never goes away, but neither does the relief either.
31:04
SPEAKER_00: You see social media posts, families expanding, you know, people having kids.
31:11
SPEAKER_00: Life goes on, but it goes on for both of you.
31:15
SPEAKER_00: And then once you are in a position where you have a child, it I'm sure, because I'm haven't been in that situation yet, but I'm sure there is some sort of grief with my child won't know this side of the family.
31:31
SPEAKER_00: Because I'm you you think a child is gonna make me disregard all of that?
31:36
SPEAKER_00: No, because when I've given opportunities to make amends or be around, those were denied.
31:44
SPEAKER_00: So I'm not gonna give the opportunity for you to do that to my kid, so that they won't know that family.
31:53
SPEAKER_00: Um, and that is for their own protection.
31:56
SPEAKER_00: Um, and mine, honestly, because it's one thing to hurt me.
32:00
SPEAKER_00: You hurt my kid.
32:02
SPEAKER_00: And some folks I understand, you know, the identity piece of family.
32:09
SPEAKER_00: If you lose that sense of identity, it's very hard to kind of find your footing after that.
32:15
SPEAKER_00: Um, this is not to say family is not important.
32:18
SPEAKER_00: Family is very important.
32:21
SPEAKER_00: You should put your family on a higher pedestal than other people in the world, but also that does not mean family gets a free pass to treat you however they want.
32:34
SPEAKER_00: That's not what that means.
32:35
SPEAKER_00: And if you are dealing with that, I said they should be at a higher pedestal than everyone, because it's not the highest, because the highest is you and your well-being and your mental health.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: So if people aren't respecting that, you have to put yourself first.
32:51
SPEAKER_00: And that means doing whatever you need to do to be okay, whether that's cutting people off, conflict resolution, however, you want to go about it.
33:01
SPEAKER_00: Something that I did find is although you might lose, you know, blood family, your chosen family can show up and love you and support you and be there for you in ways that your blood family never got a chance to or was never able to.
33:21
SPEAKER_00: And that can help you move forward in the process.
33:25
SPEAKER_00: There are certain family members you just can't replace, you know?
33:28
SPEAKER_00: You can't replace your mom, you can't replace your dad.
33:32
SPEAKER_00: You can have figures, mother figures, father figures, who help step in and support you.
33:40
SPEAKER_00: But there's always going to be a yearning for the real parent, brother, the real person.
33:49
SPEAKER_00: But the chosen family can definitely help and give you love and give you guidance and support that you don't have.
33:56
SPEAKER_00: Throughout my life, I've had stepparents, I've had step siblings, I've had people who aren't actually family, like show up as aunts or uncles or cousins or siblings.
34:14
SPEAKER_00: I have nieces and nephews that aren't technically blood, but because how close I am to their moms or dads, like those are my nieces and nephews, you know?
34:26
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm so grateful for my chosen family.
34:30
SPEAKER_00: I'm grateful for my actual family, and I'm grateful for anybody that's in my life today.
34:37
SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'm grateful for anybody who has been a part of my life in the past.
34:42
SPEAKER_00: Like, it's all made me this person that I am today.
34:47
SPEAKER_00: They've helped build me into this person, and you know, I don't think I could ever like hate somebody who is family.
34:57
SPEAKER_00: Um so yeah, I just really appreciate them from all sides, especially my chosen family.
35:04
SPEAKER_00: Now that we have experienced the family breakup, how do we continue life as normal?
35:12
SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, not everything's gonna be solved in a day.
35:15
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna take some time.
35:17
SPEAKER_00: It's a grieving process.
35:18
SPEAKER_00: You have to heal through it, you have to mourn and release and move forward.
35:26
SPEAKER_00: That's not gonna happen overnight.
35:28
SPEAKER_00: So be patient with yourself.
35:32
SPEAKER_00: Therapy definitely helps, can help you move through the process, or like finding support, finding people who've gone through it, having those chosen family members or friends or support groups that can speak to the different things that you're going through and relate to you and give you some helpful pointers of how you can move through it.
35:54
SPEAKER_00: Give yourself permission to grieve, especially without an audience.
35:58
SPEAKER_00: You know, you don't have to put everything out there and explain yourself and make people understand the dynamics.
36:05
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do that.
36:06
SPEAKER_00: You know, some people aren't gonna understand.
36:09
SPEAKER_00: People are gonna have their own relationship to it and put their own stuff into their perspective.
36:16
SPEAKER_00: So give yourself the opportunity to go through that process of grief without having to worry about anyone's input on your process, specifically to those who are in the slow fade process or even the conflict, honestly, any of them.
36:34
SPEAKER_00: If you feel there is a relationship that is salvageable, maybe examine what it would take to repair it.
36:43
SPEAKER_00: Would that be a conversation?
36:45
SPEAKER_00: Would that be some intervention?
36:47
SPEAKER_00: What would it take to at least get the ball rolling towards repair?
36:52
SPEAKER_00: And I would also say assess the risks of that repair and the attempt of the repair.
37:03
SPEAKER_00: There are some people, it's like, if I bring this to them, they will hear me.
37:08
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe there's like a I don't know if they will.
37:11
SPEAKER_00: Some people, it's like, you know, there is no talking to that person.
37:15
SPEAKER_00: I'd say look at all the factors before moving down that road.
37:19
SPEAKER_00: To those of you who are dealing with family breakups, such as myself, I feel for you.
37:25
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry that this is something that we have to experience, but life goes on.
37:31
SPEAKER_00: And yes, that may be the family that we are born into and the family that we are given at birth, but the family that you choose, the family that you build, the family that you become, is also a family worth honoring and focusing on.
37:50
SPEAKER_00: So I would say do your best and do whatever you need to take care of yourself.
37:56
SPEAKER_00: Work on your healing and moving through your process of grief.
38:00
SPEAKER_00: And I wish you all the best of luck along the way.
38:04
SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
38:05
SPEAKER_00: It's time for I Say This With Love.
38:07
SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, if you want to submit for a chance to have your situation read during one of these episodes, you would visit the tiny URL link and submit your info there.
38:17
SPEAKER_00: What are your thoughts on going 50-50?
38:20
SPEAKER_00: My boyfriend and I split the bills 50-50, but he makes almost double what I make.
38:25
SPEAKER_00: He says it's fair because we're equal partners.
38:29
SPEAKER_00: I say this with love.
38:30
SPEAKER_00: I feel whatever situation you feel is best for y'all relationship, only y'all can determine that.
38:37
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what kind of arrangement you got where who takes care of like house chores or other responsibilities.
38:46
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know how y'all's situation is like split up and who gets what delegated to them.
38:54
SPEAKER_00: Uh I know how I do it in my relationship, but what's good for the goose might not be good for the gander.
39:00
SPEAKER_00: So y'all have to figure out what's good for you in your situation.
39:06
SPEAKER_00: Do you do other things to where he doesn't have to do certain things around the house?
39:12
SPEAKER_00: Or I don't know.
39:14
SPEAKER_00: Does he take care of more things like tangibly and externally, and you just take care of the household?
39:21
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
39:22
SPEAKER_00: Whatever arrangement y'all got, I think you need to discuss that with them.
39:26
SPEAKER_00: Um, because only y'all can understand like what is equitable.
39:32
SPEAKER_00: Now, based on the situation, the information that you gave me, if someone makes, let's say,$1,000 a month and another person makes$500 a month, splitting$500 worth of bills, these are unrealistic numbers, but like if y'all split$500,$500 a month in bills, you would be left with$250.
39:57
SPEAKER_00: They would be left with$750.
39:59
SPEAKER_00: So that doesn't seem equitable.
40:01
SPEAKER_00: But also, what happens with the surplus of money on their end?
40:05
SPEAKER_00: Like, are they paying for other things, other expenses?
40:08
SPEAKER_00: Do they get the gas?
40:08
SPEAKER_00: Do they get the groceries?
40:10
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know how that works.
40:12
SPEAKER_00: Um, so yeah, y'all gotta figure that out because I don't know what the situation is.
40:19
SPEAKER_00: But to answer your question cleanly, if I'm just looking at what you gave me 50-50, and they make twice as much, I don't think that's fair.
40:30
SPEAKER_00: But again, I don't know what else is involved.
40:32
SPEAKER_00: So um, I would say assess all the different expenses or things that get paid for within y'all dynamic, uh, and go from there.
40:43
SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
40:44
SPEAKER_00: That's it for today's episode.
40:46
SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, make sure you're following us on social media, hitting us up on the email, visiting the tiny URL link, and following us on the Patreon.
40:56
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for tuning in today.
40:57
SPEAKER_00: Um, I truly appreciate each and every one of you who just lock in and listen every week as we talk about all these different topics the good, the bad, the ugly, and we just grow through some things together.
41:11
SPEAKER_00: And as always, I'm RJ.
41:13
SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guess podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.