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S2 Ep4: The Real Deal on Aging 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Well you know I I'm learning that um that we don't age all at once.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Different body parts age faster than others, right?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like my taste buds, still tasty.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: My colon.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Not a team player.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: But different parts of the body age faster than others, right?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like my heart.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Still young.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: My knees.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Apparently my knees walk to freedom with Harriet Tuppet.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all, I call my knees the Middle East.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because no matter what I do, there's no peace.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: My uh my doctor, my doctor told me to take osteobiflex.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: And it works, right?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like I don't hear my knees cracking anymore.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: But now I'm afraid that's because I'm losing my hearing.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: But I I will I will admit to you guys that age is a uh is a touchy subject for me.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's a there's a TV show called Younger, right?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Where in order to find and keep a job, a white woman in her forties pretends to be in her twenties.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because white women age so well.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: See, I don't I don't understand how the star of that show is not a black woman.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Aging well is what we do.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, Angela Bassett is two hundred and nine.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm eighty-seven.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, you know what?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: I was I was taught uh that it's impolite to ask a woman her age.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: But it happens.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: So now uh whenever a man asks me how old I am, uh I ask him if he's good in bed.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, see, that way we both know we're about to lie.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: How about how about this?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: How about because it really tells you nothing substantive about who I am regarding age, I just say I'm a seasoned woman.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Which basically means I'm delicious.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm probably gonna raise your blood pressure.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Real talk though, real talk, I don't I don't like sharing my age because I feel like it gives people another way to discriminate against me.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like I got the hang of racism and sexism, I got that.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now you throw in ageism, now I'm Trinity in the Matrix.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I just took the red pill, right?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, one of my biggest fears is that I will be brutally murdered.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: It will make the news, and they will say my age.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Lee and Lord 87.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not bad enough that I'm dead, but now the whole world knows that I am fourscore and seven.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Anderson Cooper.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's a lot of self-esteem, right?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: To think that my murder will make CNN prime time.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Shout out to my vision board.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta tell y'all, according to my vision board, tomorrow me is amazing.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: All right, she's gonna get up early, she's gonna eat right, she's gonna exercise, and be married to Jason Mamoa.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what, if if if anyone in here doesn't know who Jason Mamoa is, let me fill that void in your life.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Jason Mamoa is the actor who played Aquaman.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yes, even the men are moist now.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now you know what I I I saw the movie and I was a little confused because somebody told me that Aquaman had a plot.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: I don't remember that.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: I remember Jason Mamoa came on screen.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Two hours and twenty-two minutes later, I knew how to swim.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now I uh I really wasn't into the whole superhero thing uh until I saw Black Panther.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all, I saw Black Panther opening weekend.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right, and I had not seen that many happy black people in one place since Election Day 2008.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: The line, the line to get into the theater was so long.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: I got excited.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, are we voting?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: One of my uh one of my favorite lines from Black Panther is uh be silent, colonizer.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I'd be getting through these zoom meetings.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: And and that's how you teach critical race theory.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: But my um my favorite superhero movie is Harriet.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: The movie about Harriet Tuppin.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll tell you the part of the film that that really moved me is when she escapes, she's free.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: She goes back home one year later to rescue her husband and finds that he is already married to another woman.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Now, to her credit, she took it well.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: I did not.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was like, if that could happen to Harriet Tubman, that could happen to me.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: I leave, I come back, he's married.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Talk about baby, I didn't know where you went.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know how long you'd be gone.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: Motherfucker, I went to work.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: I left this morning.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: I have to tell you guys, I was incredibly thrilled and honored to be invited to do this show.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because women, we are we are fifty-two percent of the population.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: But we only make 85 cents on the dollar.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I don't feel bad about shoplifting.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now, black women, we only make 65 cents on the dollar.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: So that means if I told a joke that you didn't like, that's because I only wrote 65% of it.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: No, I know 65%, that does that doesn't sound too bad, right?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: But in in fairy tale terms, uh, that's Snow White and the four and a half dwarves.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: That is insufficient.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: I need a full set of dwarves.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, one for each appendage.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I grumpy happy, dopey doc, sleepy, sneezy.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Bashful.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Stop crying, bashful, you know what it is.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: But I wanna I wanna ask y'all a question before I go.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, by round of applause, round of applause, how many of you here would agree that time is money?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Applaud if you believe time is money.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: So then I have a proposal.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: If they're not going to pay me all my money on the dollar, then I have to take back my time.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: So that 12-hour shift is now eight.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Nine to five is nine to two, and my weekend starts on Wednesday.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: All those in favor say aye.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: The ayes have it, the motion carries, and the senator from Wakanda reclaims her time.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.