Latest / Beyond our Stories / Can Leaving Help You Discover Who You Really Are? | Beyond Our Stories with Giada Joys
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- speaker-0: You're in it, you don't see it. As soon as you you start seeing all the things that and that were happening and you recognize that they weren't the w they weren't right. When I broke speaker-1: You stepped out, you all the were done to you. I went to therapy because I speaker-2: Every person has a story. Some stories make us laugh, some challenge us. speaker-0: And some stay with us long after they're over. speaker-2: But sometimes the most meaningful part of a story isn't the ending. speaker-0: But it's the conversation that begins afterwards. speaker-2: Welcome to Beyond Our Stories. I'm Ali. And today's conversation is for anyone who's ever questioned themselves because of someone else's work, struggles to trust their own instincts, or wonder whether healing is truly possible. Our guest is Jada Bardeli, ⁓ also known as Jada Joy. Through her own journey and the work she does today, she has become a voice. speaker-0: I'm Stephanie. speaker-2: for people rebuilding their lives after toxic relationships. This conversation was inspired by our movie I Love You My Narcissist. But today we're here to explore the experiences, emotions, and lessons that connect us all. Jada, thank you so much for joining us today. speaker-0: Thank you so much for having me here. I'm really excited before. speaker-2: Before we start ⁓ going to today's stories and before Jada Joy became a voice for Survivor, who was Jada? speaker-1: ⁓ so ⁓ Jada is Italian in New York in fifteen. speaker-0: Johnna was a dreamer. I moved to N in 2015 ⁓ with the big dream of living in the city and being an entrepreneur. That has always been my biggest dream. My another biggest dream of mine was to speak English Italian. So came here with full of dreams, and eventually I that was the beginning of my journey. speaker-1: And the English is a I can speak Italian so I can with a like My speaker-0: Not knowing that the right beginning of my journey. speaker-1: of my journey in New York would led me to what was an abusive relationship. speaker-0: And eventually everything that happened. speaker-1: So ⁓ the good thing about who she was. ⁓ speaker-0: Was is that iron steel and eventually speaker-1: That person I found the the real version of that junta speaker-0: New York. So that means coming to New York really was the changing point for your life? speaker-1: Yeah, it was. It was because as I as an Italian we are really usually following ⁓ the rules of society and our culture, which is really close to ⁓ stay which really stay close to your own, ⁓ have a safe job and restructur life which I didn't feel that was exactly what made me happy. I expect that and by the time that I decided to speaker-0: You know Build your family, create your family on You know it's a very N speaker-1: come to New York for a vacation I realized that every diet that I always wanted was to actually build a life that was speaker-0: different from the one that was exactly the turning point of my life. I was twenty then and but I was still very young to do everything although I would do that was the speaker-1: They taught me should be. ⁓ so yeah, that was exactly my life twenty seven back then. I felt that do it even now, but it yes a moment that literally changed everything life journey. So I'd say so. speaker-0: And in ⁓ in my life. speaker-2: And you you you experienced ⁓ toxic abusive relationships yourself, right? speaker-0: Yes. speaker-1: I didn't ⁓ speaker-2: Yeah, because many people who experience toxic abusive relationships, they don't like to share their stories publicly or or talk about it ⁓ in public. I'm really interested to know what inspired you to talk about it publicly. speaker-1: So Ali it's ⁓ it's a weird question because as you said for myself as well because speaker-0: It's been hard for because it's not something that you really want to tell because unfortunately speaker-1: Because yeah, you feel ashamed of what happens, you always feel guilty because you feel that that was your fault, that that you should have prevented that. ⁓ that I didn't feel that it was quite speaker-0: ⁓ the weird thing is I didn't feel it was only my choice. I really feel thin. When I broke up from my abusive this feeling that I really needed to speaker-1: felt it from within. So when relationship I had that I really to use this experience to help others so over the years it took a long time actually all ⁓ really started talking about it. ⁓ it didn't take me like a few months just talking with people that eventually would share the experience with me. But always had this urge speaker-0: And it became so strong okay took me a long time before opening ⁓ opening At the very beginning I was speaker-1: of audience with I knew that I had the power to help others and my healing process. speaker-0: Sharing it with a bigger with more people because And it was also part of my healing process because I felt that turning this pain into something positive was also healing me. speaker-1: positive from the experience itself. So a little hard to say why do I do this because I feel from within. I feel that it's to use this because I feel that we have the power of helping people work towards a realistic abuse and abusive relationships stop. speaker-0: It's a hard for me to say because it's really something that I Sort of like my duty. I know healing and people and finally ⁓ world where narcissists speaker-2: Yeah, that's that's also very important for for people who are in such relationships to understand that first they can trust themselves and they can stay strong and they they can also also talk about it because the more you talk about it, the better it is for them. Because I'm I s I say always every person has a specific capacity and as soon as is this capacity is reached and people don't let it out. they will explode from inside. So if someone is taking the whole situation in themselves and the whole time and the capacity is rich, then it might damage them psychologically or physically. speaker-0: I wanna add to that though that I also understand why a lot of people are struggling with opening up because there's shame, there's guilt that they're feeling, like you described for yourself as well. And then ⁓ a lot of times survivors as soon as they start opening up, there there might be the chance that they're not hurt, that other people don't believe what they're experiencing. So I think that's also ⁓ why it's good to have people like you that share their experiences to show that people are not alone and they have somebody they can look up to or reach out to that was exactly my point. I remember that when I journey, I kept repeating I wanted to know that you were not alone. I and I kept saying it. I kept it and kept although I only had beginning speaker-1: Well except because I I first started with these kept it over of course at the beginning and a few people that would listen to me but ⁓ that was actually what I really wanted them to there are a lot of people out there speak up about it but they are living as a matter of fact as soon as you start ⁓ talking about narcissistic abuse or toxic relationships, a lot of people just come to you saying it happened to me too, it happened to me too. So you are giving a voice because you speaker-0: And as a matter of fact, as ⁓ speaking up loud You giving them a you are the one that at the moment feels happened to me and I can say speaker-1: that and feels comfortable to say that happens to me it I say it because it's true, because I lived it to you. So I believe it's very important for all of them, as you said, to know that there are people that do believe you because we that it's real. speaker-0: And they come. Very important for There are we not. speaker-2: Yeah, that's interesting and many many people or listeners or viewers who are in such relationships or came out of such relationships recently ⁓ might ask, now you have the power, you have the courage, you have the information. If you could travel back to the time and see your younger self, what would you tell her? Well speaker-0: There are many things that are speaker-1: Ulta the first one would be love yourself more. Sometimes it hurts to hear because you know it's very it they it's also overused to just say love yourself. speaker-0: I know that Is not this the meaning of the speaker-1: what I'm saying. Respect yourself and love yourself more because I grew up with narcissistic abuse. speaker-0: grew up in an art environment. My father was one of them so speaker-1: So I was built, I was taught. I was taught that I speaker-0: shouldn't have like my opinion didn't matter. speaker-1: as his opinion. So you have your own computer that says speaker-0: Have your mind. It's not you. You need to listen to water, you need to ask for permission, you're not enough, you're not here, you're not there. speaker-1: Yeah. So I would just gently go back to yourself and say that voice is true and you should listen to her. ⁓ since you were saying like it's very difficult in a toxic relationship to listen to yourself because you feel that your voice doesn't matter. Your voice is the voices that you hear outside of you. It's a very important information to give. So when I say love yourself is just say speaker-0: So my younger And it's And ⁓ And that I think speaker-1: Your voice has a value you have. is ca is coming to you saying because you exist, but when you believe in your own voice your life full speaker-0: Changes. And also ⁓ the idea of you have to start loving yourself, it sounds so random, like so overly used. ⁓ but it's really not because I don't think we've actually really learned to start doing that. Because as a child, you listen to your parents, you listen to your teachers, but we don't consciously learn a switch to what do I really want? Where's my boundary? We don't speaker-1: Yeah, exactly. Where speaker-0: Consciously are taught, ⁓ this is what you have to do from that this is something you should listen to from now on. Yeah. speaker-1: True. That's really true. That's exactly that's exactly the point. speaker-2: Is it true that because I I was also in narcissistic relationships ⁓ and and toxic abusive relationships ⁓ and in my family also ⁓ I had that as well. And during the production of I Love My Narcissus, during the development of the s ⁓ of the story ⁓ and the script, I just realized that ⁓ this situation is happened to me my whole life. This situation happened to me. I went to a stuff I said ⁓ hey ⁓ I'm scared because it happened to me my whole life and I didn't even know that it was that actually. Is it is it true that people or that we fail to recognize the emotional abuse because we don't have the information and the knowledge about that or or why is that in your opinion? speaker-0: It's a hundred percent true. That is also one of the the main reasons. speaker-1: And reasons why I started doing what I do because after with abuse ect therapy because I was complete as myself that you see today is being you speaker-0: After when I broke up ⁓ my ex ab my abus ⁓ I went to therapy. I couldn't I literally couldn't recognize myself. I wasn't the person speaking with him. And I knew that I needed help. speaker-1: Because I that was the very first time that I myself speaker-0: I couldn't help myself. And when I started looking at all the dynamics, and when I to therapy and someone else speaker-1: I went to therapy started saying to me, This isn't right. This isn't the way people should talk to you. This isn't the way people should treat you. This isn't the way you should communicate with people. That was tough because when you realize that your entire life was built structure. was right towards yourself, that is really tough. And you think about it, I started wow, we have to rebuild everything from zero because everything that I've been through was there. But as you said, once you are if you are speaker-0: I started thinking about it back then and I said well now For a Leon. in it and you have no one else speaker-1: That tells you this isn't right. This isn't how relationships should work. This is how relationship work. You just think that this is how it is. Like I believed myself that that was love. It's the saddest thing ever because it was a toxic relationship with with my father. But that was the example that for me that was love. That meant to be speaker-0: Season how hell? That's normal. And relationship that my mom had with my that I had in front of my eyes that was that in our relationship. And that's why I've also found myself speaker-1: in that kind of relationship. So you don't see it. As soon as you stepped out, you start seeing all the things were speaker-0: You're in it. that were done to you and that were happening and you recognize that they weren't speaker-1: The w they weren't right. speaker-0: And so probably your mother also didn't didn't know she w she is on that kind of dynamic, right? She didn't. She didn't. Have you talked to her about that? Yeah, a lot. We have. ⁓ some level. ⁓ speaker-1: ⁓ yeah. Sorry but it's ⁓ like it's also a rewarding prize for me because my relationship with my definitely improved because we were both victims I saw it at the eyes of a child, so I was really upset, like saying why did why this happened to me as a child speaker-0: Like my my mom definitely But at the same time growing up into and becoming a woman, I was just saying a woman. speaker-1: But she was a woman and she was living that too. So it was we had to face together both learning. Of course, she was older than me, so ⁓ she got to a certain degree they they divorced that I was a kid, so there was still a breaking point in the relationship. once you're healed, you also start speaker-0: It something that we and we both that that wasn't I mean, she knew it. But now we make fun of it. Making fun of speaker-1: th those things and you're saying, but did he really say that like for me? Because speaker-0: Then you look at it and you say, Wow, now that I'm out, if I would hear a person talking laugh. Like I wouldn't say speaker-1: that way I was just laughing. ⁓ but you step out of the relationship. As soon as you until you are in it so hard to understand when is what is true for what is not and what is right for what is wrong. So I agree with what you said Alia a hundred percent. You don't see anything. speaker-0: That ⁓ you need to ⁓ and in it for the mind it's so it's one You don't know. speaker-2: And since since you've been in such a relationship and we were also in such relationships, w what do you think what are the the ⁓ the red flags often people ⁓ overlook? speaker-1: But I definitely would say to be careful to love that that's what I thought that was love. But ⁓ speaker-0: Bombing. Love bombing is the what I went through. Like I had no clue. I finally found it. There are some signs to recognize if someone is genuine when he's approaching the and when he's approaching bombing you because love bombing it happening in a short span of time. So about one week to throw in there, showering speaker-1: approaching you or if they're just loving we're talking about two weeks they're really th like they're you with all the gifts possible. They love you seem like you because that's the difference. Like your life saving never felt this way as I feel with you, but that because speaker-0: Eventually someone can come and I've never feel I never wouldn't happen in a week because you'd know nothing about me in a week. I'm the woman of your life. Even a month, definitely I don't want to say a hundred per ⁓ speaker-1: So if you're already coming saying you're like you want to have kids with me, you want to go Like a few days, couple of weeks, that is a lot of bombing, but the chances are extremely high. That is the the victim gets hooked because you're dependent on this love gives to you. So if they feel that you are there, this is what speaker-0: And the moment where a are now following you're standing on this adrenaline that bomb so they know that once they Where the manipulation speaker-1: manipulation starts. So they start making jokes on you. They start seeing nasty things to others so that they can immediate you or speaker-0: They not stand in front of me even when you are alone with them speaker-1: You s you can feel it's a a slightly a slight change in their voice or in what they say to you, but your body feels it. You feel the difference because there are jokes a joke is supposed to make you laugh. So with you that's speaker-0: Or in their manners or in the comments make feel there is something wrong with the beginning of the manipulation. So I don't want to tell people when they meet someone else, but definitely signs that everyone speaker-1: people to always be careful with these are the things that one should be careful of because a person that is of that is make you feel right or good after being in love with you for like these two three weeks that is the earliest for the earliest speaker-0: Takes a month. ⁓ speaker-1: relationship ⁓ music relationship so speaker-0: And then in my case, another thing that I remembered that I didn't notice speaker-1: But that I should have. But this goes also into what it could be physical abuse then. If they break things out next, he broke he literally took a wall. speaker-0: become a standings around you. Like I remember them I chair and through it. And back then I had no clue that that could eventually he's breaking an object. It could be me one day. It can be. speaker-1: That would be wow. But it like so if they become physically aggressive towards objects to you but never to you, but it can turn into that's your face, it's not your change. So a lot of people the object, it's really the personality that they're showing. speaker-0: anymore. And that I think is very important to mention. A lot of people don't know. That is not Why do you think survivors tend to think that things will change and this is just a one off moment of like for example, like you said, a bad joke or ⁓ the person was throwing things. Why is it so hard to understand ⁓ something is version of that speaker-1: Friend wrong here. Because the first version you saw is the version that you are in love with. ⁓ as I said, your our brain, which is the most beautiful machine we have, doesn't take the information. ⁓ it's not that easy for the brain to say, Wow, that was a ⁓ speaker-0: And Ma sheet Yeah. ⁓ And for ⁓ speaker-1: flowers was so sweet, was so romantic always is me somehow. For the brain easy to just say that is the starts taking place because you have a side of you that says, This is the perfect person, like this is the person that I was in love with this version of that. And your brain is information which is but is insulting me right now. So that's why it's complicated. It's not as easy as say, well just speaker-0: with yesterday and I'm really in love with them and then is giving you another information Is really common. speaker-1: can't just leave because you are in love with this person. There are emotions involved in the relationship. So if you see it from the outside, it's easy to say he's abusive, just leave, or she's abusive, just leave. But you are emotionally connected to this person are what drives us, are what drive us to live our life. So they confuse you to a level where even you where should I go? What should I believe to be true? speaker-0: So speaker-1: Is he are they the person the people that I saw yesterday or are they the people that I'm seeing today? So that's why it's really complicated because it takes time to accept that the first version wasn't it never existed. That was the entire falls off. It's hard, it hurts to see. ⁓ and that is when survivors are starting to say, How could I be so stupid? speaker-0: Then exactly. Yeah and say, Wow. speaker-1: I felt the same because I said how could we see that this was the person we met at the beginning? It's really hurtful, like everyone must be tough on this and realize that it wasn't their fault. So I always reaches out to me for help that I understand why they just take in their stuff and leave because it's not as easy as to be sad, like you need help, you need speaker-0: And I knocked And not that one that everyone Say when someone reaches asking for I do a they're not Up unique. speaker-1: ⁓ the time for your brain to process that decision of might take years. So kind of judgment on the of the say of people that are in an abusive relationship. It really gets to the point where you just hope that they are safe because it's gonna take time for them to take their stuff and speaker-0: Living and it might take months and it might I wouldn't put any length. speaker-2: In your opinion, what is the biggest misconception people have about narcissistic abuse and toxic relations toxic relationship? speaker-1: So first of all, the biggest is when you don't see a bruise, it means that it's not abuse. This is the biggest misconception. Because coming from my personal experience, I also thought that I was just I don't have any bruises. No signs of my no signs of my skin, so this is not abuse. This is the biggest misconception. Because you can spend years with a person that one finger on you. speaker-0: Problem in And it's hard because even in front No have a I'm fine, like my body in you know, there's no my body, there's no sign on my Misconstruction be spent. speaker-1: But it's destroying minds and you see it because video where I was showing my face before the abuse, my face during the abuse, my face after, because they're draining your energy. Like they're really taking the ⁓ I'd say ⁓ the way I said that years ago when I first got out of that relationship was I stole stole because I wanna see it took time to recover from that. So speaker-0: ⁓ I remember creating a V Use a map. I had a feeling that it's my soul was walking down the street and I felt completely empty. Biggest they don't touch not violate. speaker-1: Misconception is it doesn't it me they are not physically violent, so it's not abuse. It is still abuse. The abuse has different forms. speaker-0: many different and the second one is that I what I noticed in general speaker-1: ⁓ is that we ⁓ our society is built to believe abuser better than protected. So it was built that way so that it could protect the abusers. So even for people to realize that all of us we were taught speaker-0: Then bigs. But no, you must ask the victim, don't ask the speaker-1: abuser, we need to shift. Those are the biggest two I'd say. speaker-2: For people who are listening or or or watching this podcast, ⁓ this episode, ⁓ and they are going through this abusive relationship and they want to start the healing process. It's actually not easy, but it's possible. It needs determination, it needs it needs trust in them s i i in themselves. So if you can share with them what what what was your what was the hardest part of your healing journey? And how could you overcome that situation and find the right healing for yourself? ⁓ that would be amazing. speaker-1: The hardest part for me was the right beginning because I was entirely I had PTSD, very strong PTSD. I had intrusive thoughts. speaker-0: From morning to night I couldn't sleep a night. speaker-1: nights I would wake up every each hour. I a lot of four hours. So it'd be tough. But speaker-0: And I was dealing with the trauma bond. speaker-1: So which I ⁓ used to call love. I thought this this was the last when I recover from this speaker-0: And then when I learned about Sramabon and I saw speaker-1: all the symptoms, I said this is this wasn't love. This was a trauma bond. It's a deep so eventually the first month I'd say are the hardest one, but I would highly, highly, highly suggest to people to stay strong in there because once those are over, the body in the meantime the body is recovering the mind is taking some rest. So your nervous system start speaker-0: can see healing as well and there's no length that is everyone the speaker-1: It really depends through is equal for everyone. So we all it depends on the gravity of the trauma, it depends on your personality, depends to speaker-0: On a lot of things. But speaker-1: I would suggest to stay strong in the go back because as soon as you go back you're starting everything from the so it since it's a cycle it goes in waves but it's a cycle. And as soon any time you go back you start from zero. They should take strength continue was as I told you at the beginning. speaker-0: Yeah, never go back in there, you didn't the beginning. you go tomorrow again. And the strength I mean what gave me strength to continue was that beginning I had a lot of dreams and I'm a dreamer, I have a lot of goals for my life and I knew that being in those kind of relationships and if I didn't heal from that kind of relationship I would see that I speaker-1: For myself. really should never reach everything that I aim to reach in my life. So they should eventually put the famous I don't wanna call it the vision board, but an e what they want from their life. speaker-0: And knowing knowing that it can never be in an abusive speaker-1: relationship that they will reach that happiness. But happiness is possible. speaker-0: Not only is possible. And I'm not a pr n another important thing that I speaker-1: would like to say which I I felt in myself people that said that right after the abusive relationship you speaker-0: And I also know other people feel like you're not normal anymore. Completely out of your mind. Where I couldn't connect my thoughts. speaker-1: your mind like your thoughts. So I would change I would switch from thoughts every second. speaker-0: from one to the other in like and I remember that I taught myself told myself I would never be normal. And this is important to say that not only you go back to normal but you become a version of your speaker-1: myself ⁓ I tell myself I'll go back to this is ⁓ better version of yourself that never, never, ever accept to treat you that way. So make sure it is possible for them as well. It is for everyone. Advice is always leave. Get out of that relationship. ⁓ this work, how sh what should I do to do? If they don't go to get help, which is really rare speaker-0: anyone away again. I wonder to sure that Usually my There's no ⁓ how am I gonna make this there's nothing. As we know. speaker-1: person a person that in the relationship rarely has the tools to that relationship. The biggest advice is to just take out of it. So this is something that I like to make clear. speaker-0: So my themselves. speaker-2: I'm curious because you watched the movie I Love You My Narcissist. And we had also a very short, ⁓ interesting conversation afterwards. ⁓ I I have I I have it briefly in my mind, but I remember that it was a it it was a very short, interesting conversation about the movie. It might be interesting for ⁓ for for the for the listeners and the viewers. What was your first impression that you had and when we approached you with I Love You My Narcissist? What are what what were your hopes, your wishes and your worries about ⁓ about ⁓ us making a movie like this? speaker-1: So first of all I was very curious because representing Zizom is easy as everyone can speaker-0: Making a movie on narcissism and the dynamics of narcissism is not as easy as I can think. And I know that for a fact because it's also hard to short video. So an entire movie on that. ⁓ speaker-1: So hard for me to represent narcissism in a short video. ⁓ expect. I thought just commentary, but you actually put stories, real stories, within the movie. ⁓ I was I was excited speaker-0: Be ⁓ and at the same time, I must admit very much so me an entire speaker-1: It triggered me. I had to take it took entire day to watch it entirely because I had to take some breaks here and there. Because there are some things if you experience that, it really touches your body. So I remember that I speaker-0: Some things in the movie that one instance probably sent two attacks saying Alia needs to take a pick one second. speaker-1: ⁓ but I loved it. I personally recommend to everyone because what you did was truly representing the it's very slow at the at the very beginning of the movie. You see it might seem like a relationship, a healthy relationship. You found love, so both couples there's this person that is just helping when you start when he gets too speaker-0: Commander movies everyone. dynamic so beginning like you don't understand what's happening a normal relationship ⁓ in b speaker-1: I'd say probably half of the movie you you start. I'd say that for survivors you probably see every speaker-0: You understand everything that is happening from the pretty much the right beginning. Never speaker-1: For those who never experienced narcissistic abuse, they're probably just gonna start seeing towards health. But it was great the representation that you made because it really showed all the steps of narcissistic abuse from the very lowest point of love to the lowest of manipulations. ⁓ you did a great job. speaker-0: DNA of the movie and the end. From the very highest point of I need to In my personal opinion was a great job. speaker-2: Thank you. Yeah, and yeah, and you said you were you were triggered a lot ⁓ while watching the movie. What were the emotions that ⁓ came up while watching it? speaker-1: Well it's ⁓ it's a bit tough to say. Like let's say that I speaker-0: I recognize the manipulation I went I went through. Mostly I saw myself more because I'm a woman, I could recognize the actor and the manager. I recognize some of the manipulations so when let's speaker-1: Probably also because I recognize myself in the relationship between the industries say for example you started asking for a social media people you need to do this you have to do this you have to do that I myself involved it was hard to watch because it's it's sort of like you're seeing yourself with a different face that was you. If you watch the movie like a lot is you see that scene you can they do it. But speaker-0: Yeah, you need to cut off I saw my and that But you know that that you know loving my narcissist and you think, nah, it could never happen. Yes. speaker-1: I believe as I said, your the movie like a lot of narcissists can really ⁓ well lead feel you can see yourself if you survive narcissistic abuse. So speaker-0: Is done that well that you can literally In a movie. speaker-2: And for for for for the viewers and the listeners who who are now listening and watching, if they are survivors or they are in the in such relationships right now and they want to watch the movie, or even if they are not familiar with the topic and want to watch the movie, what do you hope they take away from the movie after watching it? speaker-1: I hope speaker-0: they understand that ⁓ psychological and emotional And not something that they should underestimate. Because you never know part in the movie that was those who think that that would never happen to them are ⁓ speaker-1: ⁓ there was a ⁓ the next in line. I believe that was Dr. Bramani that says that. speaker-0: And there's nothing more true. Like everyone that thinks, ⁓ I'm not that is not gonna happen to me who's gonna meet that kind of people. Not your easy up and I don't want people I don't want the people that never speaker-1: True than this because you You're the first Because you are experience narcissistic abuse to get the message that you should always look out for that. But to be careful because emotional and psychological abuse are hard to recognise hard to get rid of. So I really hope that they people speaker-0: And also how see that none of those people would have ever imagined which kind of people they were dealing with believe and is speaker-1: each person with. So this is I was probably also your the point of your movie to have them see it with their own eyes. That is not that easy to recognize. So speaker-0: Yeah. And we've heard from basically everybody that we talked about this that ⁓ had a narcissist in their surrounding, be it their family or ⁓ their relationship. and in our own experience too, they and we only learned about narcissistic abuse after we experienced it, but never before. Yep. Well, so now I've been that many of us speaking up about speaker-1: believe it's a bit different now because I see as well these survivors there as narcissistic abuse are giving more resources to people so before the relationship starts. speaker-0: Learn about it. I remember that w when I broke from I couldn't find any material online and now there are a lot speaker-1: Back ⁓ my abusive relationship ⁓ people that are doing it. So we are speaker-0: stepping up in on a into a different level where now narcissism is recognized meaning that we can we we know what are we know different era and I'm I personally am happy speaker-1: So it's a ⁓ happy because I believe that this is a societal a society issue. So the fact that we all are working together to solve it. fall into the shop. speaker-0: Come in as survivor. speaker-2: Before we continue, I'd like to take a moment and tell you about Aleph Cine's dream. At Aleph Cine Stream, we believe every movie has the power to connect us. Some inspire us, some challenge us, and others help us better understand ourselves and the people around us. speaker-0: Today's conversation is inspired by our movie I Love You My Narcissist. So if today's discussion resonates with you, you can go to Olive Cena Stream and watch the movie. It's on acream dot com. There you can experience the full story yourself. If you watch I Love You My Narcissist as a survivor and are worried or you're thinking about watching it and you're worried that it might be triggering, you have the option to buy the movie and have it forever. So there's no need for you to watch it in one. You can take as many breaks as you want. You can stop watching and go back to it at a later time. Once you buy it, it's for you to keep and you can just take your time or watch it as much as you want, as many times as you want. speaker-2: For many people who are listening and watching and they are asking if healing is actually possible, is really possible, what what would you say to them? speaker-1: say that is a hundred percent possible is a choice that you make for yourself. I'd say to stay strong in the process because it's a hundred percent worth it. Every tier, every ⁓ hundred percent worth it because at the end of that you see the the real lights. You're coming out as a different person, but you're coming out as a the speaker-0: Strongly, Then when you final at the end of the tunnel. speaker-1: So just be strong in it because healing is for everyone, there's no exception. It's literally the choice you make for yourself. speaker-0: It's everyone. And I think you also said earlier that once you start your healing process, there's new opportunities, no dr new dreams that you can follow again and like have a new opportunity to discover yourself, right? Yeah. speaker-1: I believe the ⁓ most beautiful thing during the healing process is that you ⁓ out things about yourself that you didn't even know were there. When you're confused about what you like, rediscovering what you really love is also very exciting. Because maybe you thought until yesterday that you would love something in particular and then you figure out that you actually didn't and there's something new that you want to try, there's something new that you might love. So it's literally speaker-0: Find up. No. Maybe. speaker-1: Sort of like I don't want to for myself I would say I was reborn during my healing process. And there's nothing better than that because there's still like the entire personality of who you are of who you are, but you're building it in a different way. This time it's your own way. So you're really looking at yourself from a different perspective. And it's speaker-0: And then speaker-1: that you were looking at yourself before because you're not looking at yourself from what the other people told you about yourself. Looking at yourself from your own perspective. So you can finally see look at yourself in the mirror and say, This is who I am and this is who I love to be. So again, the healing process is a hundred percent worth it. So it's just a matter of stay strong in it. speaker-2: Okay, n amazing. I hear often that many people who experience toxic abusive relationships, even me, ⁓ at the beginning of ⁓ my healing journey and coming out of such relationships ⁓ and stuff like that, many people say they won't date again, they won't trust again, they won't love again. How was that for you? speaker-1: You were just looking for all the red flags. So this is what happens or at least this is what happens to me right after I broke up. Every person that I would meet speaker-0: Instead of looking at trying speaker-1: connect with the person I was looking for the red flags. So I will spend most of the time like speaker-0: saying ⁓ no he moved the glass on that way there's something wrong with that way so no there's something wrong. I don't wanna see anymore. speaker-1: So there's that who he said that word in that so it takes time. That is also part of the healing process. It really takes time because I eventually wouldn't suggest you just relationship because there's a high risk that you're gonna jump into abusive relationship at the right ⁓ right after you break up. So it's speaker-0: Been for for a few years he's been challenging for my speaker-1: Myself, but that was also for me. I was also overprotecting myself. So I that it doesn't necessarily take that long for every ⁓ but the place where I speaker-0: Do recognize. Everyone right now ⁓ and it's amazing because I've been in a very for more than one year and by myself and I was so he knows where I come from and I found speaker-1: it easier to be with him because I would say there's a red flag, he proved me. So let's say for example if you throw some they're just attacking you, insulting you because you make some no speaker-0: Be any time that my mind would say ⁓ no wrong. something on the floor, usually Narcing you and inst noise. And I remember that I did that once and I was freaking out. I said, ⁓ my goodness, what is gonna happen to me now? And he looked at me and he said, Well it's all fine. ⁓ good. So and I noted that my speaker-1: Free. That's sound like something stupid, but if you've been through narcissistic abuse, that is something huge because they're saying safe, find rest. So again, I believe that it's possible for everyone to find themselves in a healthy relationship, but they're first because otherwise just relationship just to fill the void is to anyone. And eventually sometimes I believe that survival. speaker-0: Now I'm s finally I can ⁓ Jumping in from one relationship to another jump is not gonna do any good anyone. And times my they might take some that are not speaker-1: They also become a say the abuser, but they can trade actually healthy because they're trying to protect themselves. It's true, you people right away, but it's a process, even that it's a process. You will build trust. You probably said that when you build trust on yourself that you believe in yourself, you enter the relationship in a different way because you're saying anyway or form. speaker-0: It is you don't trust. Any in any that I'm gonna handle it. speaker-1: trust trust that I'm gonna be fine. So that's a different way to ⁓ get into new relationships. It takes a little time to adjust. The nervous system need re really needs not something that can happen overnight. speaker-0: But Time to heal. And also one thing that should remember is that not speaker-1: They should remember narcissists, they always want us to create drama because otherwise they don't feel the excitement. So it could be anything that you do that is always saying something wrong to create chaos. speaker-0: Or can you as something just but in the hell happened? But you know, I'm just watching the movies. speaker-1: ⁓ that is very you start appreciating things that are just normal things. speaker-0: Normal nothing ⁓ then speaker-1: special but you appreciate it more when you've been through the entire chaos and now that chaos isn't there anymore. So this is the the main difference between the toxic relationship and the healthy relationship. speaker-0: Through D. speaker-2: And for for listeners and viewers who are asking or who might ask, when do I know that I'm free and safe? What what would you say? When when when when when when did you realize that you are free and safe? And with the all from all the traumas, from all the thoughts that you had, because you couldn't also sleep ⁓ at night or had conflicts or nightmares or stuff like that, ⁓ how does it look like? When Could people possibly feel that they are free and safe? speaker-1: Well there ⁓ there might be a a bit of science for that, but ⁓ at my personal experience the first thing was that I finally stopped crying, which was a big thing because in the first months it was like ⁓ like I couldn't stop. I realised that I had eventually book up and I looked around and I said, Wow speaker-0: Time. It was unbearable. And as I remember actually one day that I I'm literally fine right now. Like nothing is happening. I am safe in my speaker-1: I'm safe in my own place. There's no danger. That is probably when you realize that you're safe because you're really you're looking around yourself, what is surrounding you, your environment, your your space, the people that are with you, and you're just happening right now. There's no drama. There is so that is probably when you get to the real realization that yes, I am safe. But it's weird because you realize it by I don't know, grabbing a cup of coffee. speaker-0: saying wow nothing is nothing going on. Because you ⁓ you might realize by doing I don't know, just and realizing that and or I don't know speaker-1: There's silence around you. Working starting to work thirty minutes after and nothing is happening. So it's a ⁓ mix of a lot of different things that you put together, actions that in the relationship were you could do it just do everything is happening. So it's really that you can build up to you feeling in your body. Your body is finally pressing when you sleep more. speaker-0: I'm reasonable to think that and now you can just everything you want and nothing. speaker-1: When you I can just stay there and take five minutes for myself, that is also your body that is saying, We are safe. So we speaker-0: Yeah. speaker-2: We are moving slowly towards the ending of the episode. So ⁓ if listeners and viewers remember only one thing from today's conversation, what should it be? speaker-1: Is you would speaker-0: That they can heal and ⁓ speaker-1: ⁓ yeah, I believe that's the they speaker-0: Can live and they can heal. And last one. No. speaker-1: So they That we that is true, that what they are experiencing is as we said at the very beginning that they are not alone. But surviving to this is possible for everyone. even if they're still with a person is telling them somebody without their people, they were somebody before the relationship, they are somebody who will be somebody after that. So this is what I want them to take from our conversation. speaker-0: It's true. They're not alone. They must know that they are not alone. Somebody now and there will be somebody. speaker-2: Amazing. And we have a ver ⁓ we have a signature question that we ask at the end of every episode from ⁓ from every ⁓ guest that we have. And we get also very interesting ⁓ answers ⁓ every time ⁓ to this question. So here it goes. What's the one story or a movie, even a personal experience that changed the way you see people? speaker-0: That's a tough question. ⁓ speaker-1: I don't know the exact moment, Ali. ⁓ that something clicked. speaker-0: Moment I don't know. I just know that something in my mind one day and I started up speaker-1: myself what we prior said I started asking myself what if from starting from today I look at myself from the way I do believe that is true that the people for what they are like what if they are telling me that is what changed everything my perspective because I was others say everything that you say is speaker-0: From And my frog. And I start looking at What me is not true. speaker-1: true eventually for me. So this sounds like bro it's a bit complicated to explain it, but when you switch the perspective of the way you look at yourself, it completely changed the entire ⁓ way you see the word and you approach other people. Knowing that your true is valuable. Your truth is valuable. So what you believe about yourself is the first thing you should believe. It comes everybody else with their opinion. So speaker-0: I know that it's So no And then speaker-1: It's more from my personal experience rather than speaker-2: Jada, thank you so much. Thank you for thank you thank you for your honesty, your courage and for sharing not only your experiences, but also your mission ⁓ to help others recognise the signs of emotional abuse and find the strengths to heal. speaker-0: Yeah, I think this conversation is a good reminder for everybody that healing is possible and they're not alone even if in if they have a moment where they feel like nobody could understand. No, there are people out there that went through the same thing and that started a healing journey and have more opportunities since they started this healing journey. If you enjoyed the conversation that we had today, why don't you go watch I Love You My Narcissist? It's on Olive Scene Stream, AC Minus Stream.com. And there you can see ⁓ really how ⁓ the dynamics with a narcissistic partner or narcissistic family member work. And they're a good ⁓ this movie is a good addition to what we discussed. speaker-2: If you enjoyed today's episode, we'd love for you to subscribe, leave a review, let us know your thoughts in the comments, and share this conversation with someone who appreciates meaningful stories. Every story begins on the screen, but it continues within us. Thank you for joining us and we'll see you next time on Beyond Our Stories.