Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / It's Never About The Dishwasher | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep481

Transcript

It's Never About The Dishwasher | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep481 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: The issues are always about sex.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sexless marriage.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: The number one relationship hack.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Answer the question.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: The impact that impacts trust.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Getting your partner on board.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: The issues are always about sex.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Another fan mail.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: But this is like, I mean, a daily that I gotta deal with.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um sure Catherine deals with it just as much.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: But like it's funny, like that's that's how you guys start.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: You have to understand it it the sex is a disconnection.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: But like, if unless you all just walk up to people before you got married, maybe you did it with your partner too, you just walk up to them and fuck somebody, you don't even ask them their name, there was some sort of connection.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Would you agree?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: So if you don't want to have sex with the person that you love, then wouldn't you also agree that there's a disconnection?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now you have to start realizing, because this is this is a stupid argument.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I need sex to feel connected.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I need emotional connection to want sex.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's a stupid argument.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason why it's stupid is because it's well, it's cyclical, it's chicken, egg, chicken, and egg.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: But before we even get to that, everybody wants connection, just like you don't just go fuck someone on the side of the street, okay?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: You get to know them, you date them, you have fun, you then this is how you end up getting married, right?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: You get to you you you plan your life together.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: All of that was connection.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: You may have wanted to have sex, but you still wanted more.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're a man or a woman, is there really chicken and egg?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: So this is a woman upset because obviously all the issues means, and she explained it, but they're fighting all the time.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: All the time.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the usual, he ditches on responsibilities because of it.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And there's coping because he's not having sex.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like the whole, you know, I have to watch porn.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Or uh this guy's even saying some one of the normal, I'll go get it somewhere else.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, that's gonna make her want you.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, fuck, man.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I've made a lot of these mistakes, guys.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I get it, but like you have to start thinking, you clearly want more.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're trying to guilt somebody into having sex and not recognizing that you kind of like the last episode, there's more that you want, there's more that you can do.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we went mega viral, eh, honey?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because the first um the first reel that ever went viral was uh women who tell you they're not interested in sex, they're not they're not telling the truth, they're not attracted, they're not in love, and they're settling.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it went mega viral.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because the truth is there was a disconnection between Catherine and me where she didn't want to be intimate with me.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't want to be physical with me.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, intimacy, not sex even.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Just intimate.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: So she therefore didn't want to be physical.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: There was no room to desire, no room to wanting to please.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Never mind for herself, take pleasure.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's the case, then what would make you think it's only sex that we have a problem?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like you gotta get it out of your head.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you stay hyper-focused on that, you get focused on, well, I don't want to fuck them.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: I want all these things.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And you're talking about emotional connection, but they don't even know what that means.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Most of you don't.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: You think emotional connection has to be positive.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if I'm there for my wife today because she's very sad because of putting a dog down today, then we can connect.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be a flirt and fun.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so your only issue is not sex, your biggest issue is disconnection.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Your second biggest issue is you've enabled it to get this far.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Both of you.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: The one complaining about no sex, and the one who doesn't want to have sex and asking for other needs.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because as you defended yourselves and missed yourselves, like two episodes there ago, where you guys don't even know who you are, and you don't even know what you want.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're asking your partner to love you and you don't know who you are, so therefore you can't possibly know what you want.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: You're just saying you want sex, or you're just saying you want emotional connection.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, who are they supposed to connect with, physically or emotionally?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Who don't stand it?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: I also think with this one, so you said it was a woman that sent this in.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: The fights are also always about sex.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: I I believe that there's probably some truth here.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Now that's what's superficial is the sex.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: But her husband probably is getting pouty, getting upset, everything is fine, and then as soon as he starts to express his negative emotions, it is to do with sex, or it's because they didn't have sex in a certain number of days.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: So it it's always going to look like it's sex because that's what he's fucking crying about.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: So that's why she thinks that.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: But really, he wants like what Castor's just describing.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: There's there's a whole lot more intimacy that you can experience that has nothing to do with sexual intercourse.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: But somehow, and this is this is I I mean, I hear this from a lot of women.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: I we actually joke in in the program, men think their love language is sex, like they will die without it.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I teach my women, I'm like, you might as well just pretend that that's real.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: It will help you if you if you pretend that your husband really will, like this is how important it is to him.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care if it's if if it's real or not.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: But if you pretend that this is so important to your husband that he will die without it, he believes he needs it, he needs it, like water and food and oxygen.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: There are men that actually say that.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: They think that they need it.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: So, okay, who cares if they're right or wrong?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Don't get on the crazy train defending it.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Be like, okay, my husband needs it that bad.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: My husband needs me that bad.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so he thinks sex is his love language.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Don't argue with him.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: What if what if you just give him what he needs?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: They think that they're gonna die.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: If that if it's that important to them, because think about it.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: When you're fighting about whatever you're fighting about, I don't know what you're fighting about.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: But if if the first thing that comes out of his mouth is like, well, you don't want me, we didn't have sex, blah, blah, blah.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's how important it is.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: You were talking about the dishwasher for goodness sakes, and now he's talking about a blowjob that he didn't get for two weeks.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or two years or whatever.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Or however long it is, right?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: So he really believes that that's the problem.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's not your place to convince him that that's wrong.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, you should just recognize how important that is to him.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Just like the dishwasher, the laundry taking care of the kids, that's not the issue.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: If you are saying that to your husband, gentlemen, if you're gentlemen, if your wife is nagging you and bitching and complaining that you don't take care of the kids, you don't take care of the house, what's the real problem?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: She can take care of the kids and the house.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Watch her do it if you guys get separated.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: She doesn't need you.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: What she needs, this is what's coming out.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: You think that she's saying this is important, pretend that it is.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Pretend that it is about the kids and the dishwasher and the laundry.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's not.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: All of this is about connection.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: He cries about sex, she cries about the dishwasher.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about sex, and it's not about the dishwasher.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's about the connection, like Cass was saying, the emotional intimacy that you guys just don't have.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's what it's about.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you guys had the emotional intimacy, then you wouldn't be crying about the superficial stuff.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because the dishwasher is not that important.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care what he does with his dishes.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't matter.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: I do care how much he wants sex because that's so important to him.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: And if I wanted you to do the dishes, he would do the dishes.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: I just don't care because it's a superficial, stupid thing.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Once you're listening to my TED talk, I got on a little bit of a rant.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: So many more examples though.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because you guys do it with like tie that into like when you're not partnering with the kids.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Tie that into when you're not um actually like just using the examples Catherine gave when she she wants that connection to feel like she's not alone in the home, and you're like, Well, I worked all day and you don't give me blowjobs.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: You don't, you don't fuck me.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it really makes zero fucking sense, which is I don't get what I need, why should you get what you need?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, so this is this is now where where what Catherine brought up in the beginning, where the chicken and egg thing matters.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because you are, even though you both need emotional connection, even though you're talking about stupid little shit, like I know that if he's watching porn and he's threatening to um go get it somewhere get it somewhere else, I know that you're fighting about everything else.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's just it like it's like this couple that says everything was perfect.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't fucking believe them.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I think there was more shit going on because otherwise, one day doesn't ruin your whole fucking life.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let's get fucking real, okay?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so, like, when you when you think about it like that, you have to now go, well, now we're in this stage where it doesn't really matter why he doesn't or why she doesn't want to have sex with him, why um she he doesn't want emotional connection.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: What matters is it's chicken and egg.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you're the one that's listening, so and if you're a couple, you can do the same thing, both of you do your thing.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You go for what you want by asking, and you offer what they want more.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's Catherine didn't want to have sex with me when we started.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, not when we started, but you know, when we started to repair.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: But Katha didn't want a sexless marriage.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: She started to think about what she wanted for life.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: She also wanted to, she thought about what would make it easier.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: It does make it easier if you give your partner what they need.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Not just men with aggression, with with softening aggression because they have sex.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: It that that does happen.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: But it also happens when a man is there for a woman meeting her needs, right?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: A woman feels different.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because, like, go back to this couple we were talking about a couple episodes ago, you know, I feel so safe.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden he says these terrible things.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just stop saying those terrible things.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Start listening to her, asking her questions.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: She feels real safe again.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, she trusts me.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, go watch the other episode about believing your partner's changed.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: But like, if you can wrap your head around this, it is chicken and egg.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it doesn't matter.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is just where you are.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you want more emotional connection, then start asking for it, trying to make it happen, all of these things.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: But also hear what they want.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: And if it's sex, ladies, you were actually built to give him what he needs.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that difficult.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, but I mean, we can that that's this is a whole thing because this is chicken and egg.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: But men, you were also supposed to love your wife like Christ loved the church.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, you see, one of you has to just do it.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: You're both fucked.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: So you start giving, asking for what you need gently, not to get a personal way, you don't get it, because you're here right now.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then you give them what they need.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're the one in, and if you're both watching, well, good.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're about to have a lot of sex and start having a lot nicer conversations again.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're welcome.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: All right, we'll see you guys.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.