Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Build Team Norms in Their First 90 Days
Transcript
- Lucas: So you've got the title, you've got the team, and you've got the first 90 days stretch goal from your own boss. But here's something most new manager training completely skips: team norms. The explicit, written rules about how you all work together. Luna: And by norms, you mean things like 'we don't Slack after 7 PM' or 'meetings start on time, full stop'? That kind of thing? Lucas: Exactly. But also deeper stuff — how decisions get made, how you handle disagreement, what happens when someone misses a deadline. Most teams operate on an implicit set of norms that nobody ever wrote down. And that's where the friction lives. Luna: Yeah, especially when you're a new manager who used to be a peer. The unwritten rules suddenly feel different. You're supposed to enforce things you used to bend. Lucas: Right. And that's the exact reason I think norms are the single highest-leverage thing you can do in your first month. They depersonalize the rules. It's not 'Lucas says we can't do this' — it's 'the team agreed we don't do this.' Huge difference. Luna: So where do you even start? You walk in day one and say, 'Hey everyone, let's draft a constitution'? Lucas: More or less. But you do it carefully. I want to talk about a specific case: a friend of mine took over as VP of Content at a 50-person marketing agency. She was internal, promoted over a few peers. She knew the unspoken norms were messy — late meetings, Slack messages at 10 PM, decisions getting reversed without explanation. So in her third week, she did a one-hour team workshop. Luna: A workshop on norms. Did people roll their eyes? Lucas: A few, yeah. But she framed it as 'Let's make sure we're all clear on how we work best together — so nobody gets frustrated.' She came with a draft that had three sections: communication norms, decision-making norms, and conflict norms. And she asked them to tear it apart. Luna: Okay, that's smart. Starting with a draft, not a blank page. What did she put in communication? Lucas: Stuff like: Slack is for quick questions, email for formal updates, and anything urgent gets a phone call. Also, response time expectations — she proposed within four hours during business hours, but the team pushed back and said two hours felt right for their pace. So they landed on two. Luna: And the team got to own that number. That's key. If she had imposed two hours, it might have felt controlling. But they chose it. Lucas: Exactly. The process matters as much as the output. Then for decision-making, she introduced a simple framework: 'consult, then decide.' For most decisions, she'd gather input from the relevant people and make the call. But for things like budget shifts over $5,000, it became 'consensus required' — meaning the whole content team had to agree. Luna: Was that too slow? Consensus on budget decisions with a team of, what, eight people? Lucas: They debated that. In the end, they kept it but added a time-box: if consensus wasn't reached within 48 hours, she would decide. That became a norm itself — 'decisions have a deadline.' She told me that single line prevented weeks of paralysis later. Luna: And the third bucket — conflict norms. What does that even look like? Lucas: This was the part that made people uncomfortable at first. She proposed something direct: 'If you have a disagreement with someone, address it with them directly within 24 hours. No triangulating.' And she added a corollary: 'If you can't resolve it, bring it to me as a neutral party within 48 hours.' That created a clear escalation path. Luna: I love that. Because the default for many teams is either avoidance or complaining to a third person. Both kill trust. Lucas: Right. And those norms become especially important when you're managing former peers. Because the old dynamic might have been 'I vent to you about the other person.' Now you're the manager — you can't participate in that. So the norm protects everyone. Luna: Let me ask you this: the norms document sounds great on paper. But how do you enforce it? What if someone consistently breaks the 'respond within two hours' norm? Lucas: Great question. The answer is you treat it like any other performance expectation. You have a private conversation: 'Hey, we all agreed to this norm. What's getting in the way? Do we need to adjust the norm, or do you need support?' The key is you don't let it slide, because then the norm becomes meaningless. Luna: So norms have a feedback loop. You revisit them. My friend's team did a quarterly check-in on their working agreement — what's working, what's not, what should change. That kept it from becoming a dusty document. Lucas: That's a great practice. And I'd argue that for a new manager, the act of revisiting norms sends a signal: 'I'm not here to impose rules, I'm here to help us build a system that works for everyone.' That builds trust faster than almost anything. Luna: So what's the one norm you think every new manager should insist on, even if the team pushes back? Lucas: The feedback norm. Specifically: 'I want to hear critical feedback directly, and I promise I won't punish you for it.' Most new managers never say that explicitly. And the team assumes the default — which is that criticizing the boss is risky. So you have to break that assumption with words and then with actions. Luna: Meaning if someone gives you tough feedback in a one-on-one, you thank them and then actually change something. Otherwise the norm is dead. Lucas: Exactly. In fact, the VP of Content I mentioned — in her first month, a direct report told her that her stand-up meetings were too long and rambling. She thanked them, shortened the stand-up to 15 minutes hard stop, and mentioned the change in the next team meeting, crediting the feedback. That one move made her feedback norm real. Luna: That's a great example. And I think the broader point is: norms aren't about control. They're about creating psychological safety so people know what to expect. Lucas: And for new managers, especially those promoted from within, norms are the shortcut to establishing your leadership without having to be heavy-handed. You're not the sheriff — you're the person who helped the team write the rules together. Luna: I think for me, the biggest takeaway is to start early. Don't wait until something goes wrong. Use those first few weeks to co-create a working agreement. Lucas: Yeah, and keep it to a single page. Three sections, ten items max. The goal is clarity, not comprehensiveness. Luna: And that's the kind of resource that, honestly, if it saved you even one awkward conversation or one blown deadline, it was worth the time. Lucas: Absolutely. And if today's episode helped you think about how to set those norms, or gave you a concrete framework to use, that's exactly what we're here for. We keep the show ad-free and listener-supported — so if it was worth a coffee to you, you can find that link at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Seriously, even a small contribution tells us this kind of content matters. Luna: Yeah, and we appreciate every single one. It's what lets us keep digging into these real-world management challenges without any sponsor pressure. Lucas: Alright, back to norms. One last thing I want to mention: when you share your draft norms with the team, don't frame it as 'here are my rules.' Frame it as 'here's my proposal based on what I've observed — let's make it ours.' That language alone sets a collaborative tone. Luna: And if someone says 'I don't think we need written norms'? What do you say? Lucas: I'd say: 'I hear you. But I've seen teams waste a lot of energy guessing how to work together. I'd rather we spend an hour now and save twenty hours later.' And then I'd ask them to try it for one quarter and re-evaluate. Most skeptics become believers once they see it in action. Luna: That's a good close. So to sum up: write your norms early, co-create them with the team, cover communication, decision-making, and conflict, and revisit them regularly. Lucas: And don't forget the feedback norm — that's the one that makes all the others work. If you can't hear 'this meeting is too long' without getting defensive, no document will save you. Luna: Right. Thanks, Lucas. This one's going in my own new manager toolkit. Lucas: Glad it helped. See you next time.