Latest / The Life-First Solopreneur / 64. Escaping the Trap of Being Fine When Fine isn't Really Fine with Lauren Lefkowitz
Transcript
- Lauren Lefkowitz (00:00): If you put the frog in tepid water, you make the offer that's like pretty good. Or you're in a work environment that has been great but is slow declining, the water is slowly heating up. By the time it boils, you are a dead frog because you have tolerated and tolerated and tolerated until it's intolerable, but you don't have or feel like you have the power to do anything else. Speaker 2 (00:29): Welcome to the One-Person business podcast, the show for solopreneurs, consultants and contractors who are ready to take charge of their business and reclaim their freedom. Join us as we bring you inspiring stories, invaluable insights and practical strategies from successful solopreneurs and industry experts, empowering you to create a thriving business that aligns with your unique goals and allows you to live life on your own terms. Here are your hosts, Joe Rando and Carly Ries. Carly Ries (00:58): Welcome to the One-Person Business podcast. I'm one of your hosts, Carly Ries. Joe Rando (01:02): And I'm Joe Rando. Carly Ries (01:03): And listeners, I'm really sorry for what you might hear in a second. Joe thinks I'm about to go into an introduction of our fabulous guest today, Lauren Lefkowitz. But in reality today is a very special day in Joe Rando's world. So, Lauren, if you do not mind, there is a song that I think both of us know that I think everybody listening knows that we're gonna start off the podcast (01:57): We are kicking off the show today with a Happy Birthday to Joe. Lauren, We are so happy you are here. (02:39): Let's talk about you, Lauren Lefkowitz. We were so happy you are here. Lauren is an executive coach partnering with executives who've gotten to the middle of their careers and think this is it, it's fine, I guess. She works with humans who are ready to find joy, excitement, challenge, and balance in their careers and have personal life to love. You are right in line with our values here at LifeStarr Lauren. Lauren was an 80 hour week executive and is a recovering people pleaser. I am working on that myself. You have lived with chronic illness for more than 15 years. Once she broke both of her shoulders chasing a vacuum. We should maybe get into that at some point during the podcast, because that sounds like a great story. Despite these challenges, she decided to take action in her life. She learned to set boundaries, create opportunities for personal choice, and find her version of success and joy, which included becoming a certified laughter yoga leader. Which again, I want to revisit that Joe Rando (03:38): I've done that. I've done laughter yoga. Licia knew a woman that was a certified instructor and she had us come to an event once. It was a riot. It's a workout, it really was a workout. Carly Ries (03:52): If you ever do virtual classes, send me your sign up and I will do that. I'm a big yogi, but I've never done laughter. Lauren Lefkowitz (03:59): I sure will. Carly Ries (04:00): Perfect. Well, if you guys are uncomfortable listeners, if you're not uncomfortable enough, Lauren makes it comfortable to get uncomfortable, create powerful goals, and create real sustainable career and life transformations. So Lauren, welcome again to the show. Lauren Lefkowitz (04:16): Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here. Carly Ries (04:18): We wanted to ask you, we had the privilege of listening in on one of your presentations about a month ago now, where you talked about fine is a trap. What is fine is a trap and why does this happen, especially with solopreneurs? Lauren Lefkowitz (04:31): Yeah. Fine as a trap came up when I was creating my company and really trying to figure out what the problem is. And we have a big problem. If you walk into a job and you're a vice president or the CEO and you walk in and people start hitting you, you're gonna leave. That's terrible and toxic and dangerous and shocking, and you are going to run out the door. That's not the way that fine happens. Fine happens when something isn't great, it starts off great. It starts off exciting. You've got the title, you've got the job, you've got the money, you've got the company, you've got the great coworkers, you've got the job, you've got the title, you've got the great product or service that you're working with. You've got the coworkers, everything you dreamed of, and yet you're not happy because you're working a lot of hours or it's not as much money as you thought it would be. (05:35): Or the team you have isn't as great. Or your boss or the board has some level of toxicity and you say to yourself, it's fine because they're paying me a lot of money. Or it's fine because I finally got the CEO title or the VP title or the I switched departments or industries, which I never thought I could do. So it's fine that I work of these hours. It's fine that I'm missing my kids' games or recitals. It's fine. And it's not fine. It's just not bad enough yet that you're willing to do anything about it. And the more things become fine, the more things become fine. And the more we settle into this life, that's actually really not okay, but we've taken all of these little steps towards fine. So now we live there. Joe Rando (06:23): When you talk about this, it reminds me of that story about the "if you throw a frog and boiling water, it'll jump right out. But if you put it in there and heat the water slowly, the frog cooks." Is that kind of what you're coming down with this, that it's really a function of just slowly. Lauren Lefkowitz (06:38): I literally posted about that the other day, that story. If you throw a frog in a boiling pot of water, that's the equivalent of you walk into a new job and it is terrible. Or they offer you a job and they say, but it's half the salary you wanted, but you're gonna love the place. You know right away the the water is boiling, you know, to jump away. We know how to have a gut response to something. But yes, if you put the frog in tepid water, you make the offer that's like pretty good. Or you're in a work environment that has been great but is slow declining. The water is slowly heating up. By the time it boils, you are a dead frog because you have tolerated and tolerated and tolerated until it's intolerable. But you don't have or feel like you have the power to do anything else. Carly Ries (07:32): I feel like far too many people have experienced that. Well, I want to jump from a frog to a monster discussion if that works for everybody. You have a monster analogy. Can you talk about it and what those common monsters are that you see in solopreneurs? Lauren Lefkowitz (07:50): So, one of the ways that we look at ourselves is "what is wrong with us?" Nobody ever asks, tell me what's going on, and you start by saying, "well, I'm amazing. I'm really talented. I'm funny, I'm a lot of fun to be around. I have a ton of skills. I have a great book of experience behind me. So now I'm going out to be a solopreneur, and all I can feel in front of me is confidence." Nobody says that. Carly Ries (08:22): That'd be wonderful. Lauren Lefkowitz (08:23): It would be wonderful. Yeah. And it can be! All of those things I said I believe about me and I didn't used to. And I believe about both of you and I would have wondered how you were both so brave to be solopreneurs, to be entrepreneurs and thought, oh, that couldn't be for me. It's a learning process. What happens instead is, we think about doing something or we are standing in place doing something, and our inner voices get the best of us. Some people refer to them as saboteurs or survival mechanisms. I call them monsters. They are the monsters who live in our heads, who tell us what's wrong with us, who tell us what we can't do, who tell us the ways that we are likely to fail and who tell us we're just not good enough. And some of the really common monsters that live inside of us are the perfectionist who will not do anything unless it's going to be perfect. (09:21): And I think you'll both agree that there is nothing perfect about being a solopreneur. It is messy. The people pleaser who has spent their careers serving other people. And now as a solopreneur, you are called on to support and serve yourself. We are not used to that. We are not used to putting ourselves first. The truth is if we do put ourselves first, we're actually gonna serve other people better. But we're not trained to do that. We're trained to serve others. The third one that's really common is the good enough monster. The monster who makes us think that everybody else is smarter, more talented and more successful than we are or than we even can be. And that I think is what prevents a lot of us from becoming solopreneurs and what prevents a lot of us from being successful as solopreneurs and not going back into the corporate world or the healthcare world or whatever world we've been in prior to being solopreneurs because perfectionism and and pleasing certainly hold us back. But the not good enough monster who tells us that everybody else is better than us gets really loud and makes us think we can't be as great as we need to be. Carly Ries (10:43): So how do you get rid of these monsters? It's funny cuz I have a four year old. We have this discussion from a four year old level, but how do us as adults, as solopreneurs get rid of them? Joe Rando (10:53): Can I ask a quick question before we dig into the solution? I heard two things there and I want to make sure I'm hearing it right. So there's the trap of being fine, the trap of saying, okay, this is fine. I'm okay with this even though it really isn't fine. And then there's the monsters. If I understand that the monsters are kind of what's keeping us willing to be trapped. Is that fair? Lauren Lefkowitz (11:18): Yeah. Great clarifying question. If you think about the monsters, they are derived from our primitive response system. Being chased by lions or walking towards a fire and getting burned. We are trained from a neurological, physiological perspective to protect ourselves. The evolution of that is that we are trained to stay in safe places so that we don't even run into the lion. We don't even see the fire. We have this false sense of safety, receiving a paycheck from a company, which isn't really safety because layoffs and job eliminations happen all the time. We have this sense of safety of not pushing too far one way or the other, not pushing our manager to promote us, not pushing for a raise because we don't want to get in trouble, we don't want to get fired. So we stay in this safety zone, which is the fine zone. We remain trapped in this place where everything is fine because we are not being actively attacked. So these monsters are designed actually to protect us, not to make us feel bad. But they do, that's the result. They make us feel bad. But they're designed to protect us so that we stay safe. In staying in this false sense of safety and control, we don't get to really enjoy this full range of emotions and success and joy. Joe Rando (12:50): So keeping us safe, but not necessarily keeping us happy. That leads me to my next question, which is solopreneurs, we have found, mostly become solopreneurs not because they want to be rich, but because they want to live life on their own terms in some way. There's something they want out of life from not having a boss, to getting to do the kind of work they want to do to being able to go to their kids' games, to be able to work from anywhere. It's a whole range of reasons for doing it. I guess my question is, since you work with lots of different kinds of people, are solopreneurs in general better off in this dimension of this fine or worse off than people that have more corporate jobs? Lauren Lefkowitz (13:34): I don't think that it's a better or worse scenario. I think that wherever you are, if you stay in the corporate life, if you go to the solopreneur life, if you go back and forth, if you aren't building resources and community and support, you will be somewhere between fine and not okay wherever you go. So to your point, Joe, about solopreneurs wanting a life that has more freedom or no boss or doing the thing you want to do or whatever it is, or money or both or all, we get to choose how we want things to be. If you're not building the support systems that you need, if you're not doing the inner work to tackle those monsters and to help manage them and to find out who you are when you are talking about how talented and smart and funny and fun you are, then you won't succeed in either place, in the world where you have a boss or in the world where you're your own boss because your bosses will be your monsters. Carly Ries (14:40): All right, so let's get rid of 'em or is that the right thing to do? Lauren Lefkowitz (14:44): Good luck and let me know if you figure that out. (14:50): We are whole people. We are whole people with different aspects of ourselves that come up in different parts of our lives and at different times. With my clients and with my work, the goal is not let's eliminate your monsters because they live and breathe. They're part of us. And when they actually do need to keep us safe, they do. If I were filing my taxes and my inner perfectionist went to sleep and I was like, I'll just file whatever and hope for the best. The IRS is not gonna love that. So we need our monsters to function to some level, not as much the not good enough monster. But, the not good enough monster can help us figure out what kind of support we need in the areas where we feel like we are not good enough so that we can move forward so that we don't make big, huge mistakes so that we don't hold, hold ourselves back. (15:51): It's less about getting rid of the monsters, it's more about discovering who our higher selves are. Who we are when we're willing to say what's great about us, which is a hard thing to learn. And shifting the volume. Being louder about how amazing you are and quieting the monsters when they need to be quiet. Listening to yourself when you're going to do something new and you're in that discomfort zone and you're stretching from what you know and what you've already done so that you can choose. So when your monster says Do not release this new online course you've created because it's not perfect, then your higher self gets to choose, "do I want to listen to this? Does it need to be perfected? Does it need to be made better?", Or can I release this as the first edition, learn from it and come back and revise? Do I just get the thing out there, the product, the service, the offer, or do I wait until I think it's absolutely perfect? Who gets to talk? Is it my higher self or is it my monsters? So it's really about gaining choice between which parts of yourselves get to give input. Joe Rando (17:17): I just wanted to dig in a little bit. There's something that I have observed and it was in myself when I was younger and I've seen it in a lot of other people. It ties back to the not good enough monster. I think a lot of people, whether they're solopreneurs or wherever they are in life, look and say, I'm good at this and this and this, but I'm not good at this. I'm not good at that. And they say, well, I better get good at the things I'm not good at if I want to be successful. And what I've learned over many years in making the mistake is that you're way better off focusing on what you're good at and building up those skills and becoming really great and finding ways to offset the weaknesses. (17:58): I never should be an accountant. I learned early on hire an accounting firm, don't try to get good at. I could have done it, but it would've taken me so much time and I'm using my skills and things I'm better at to focus on using my time for that. Is that something you come across a lot with people? Are they worried about the not good enough monster saying, "Hey, let me put all this time into filling in my weaknesses?" Lauren Lefkowitz (18:28): I think that's such a great point for the solopreneur because the word solo leads us to think we have to do everything on our own. There are things that I will never be good at and that I don't want to get good at. Accounting is a great example. The first thing I did when I decided I was gonna go out on my own and that I was gonna have more complicated taxes and bookkeeping was to hire an accountant. It was an expense I was willing to front load while I was bootstrapping my own growth because I knew I wasn't good at it. I knew I could do it, but there's that time value equation. If I'm spending x amount of time making x amount of hundreds of dollars per hour and I have to spend triple the time or quadruple the time doing my accounting work, I am losing money. (19:23): I don't know a lot about math, but I get that. And there were other things that I did because I was interested enough and skilled enough to do a pretty good job. And that was me letting go of my perfection monster who is very strong and very loud. I built my own website, for example. And it's decent. It's not amazing for SEO purposes, but I didn't need it to be yet. I've since hired a tech VA to do some extra work on the website so that my podcast comes through, this podcast will be embedded in there and I'm gonna build a media page soon with that VA. So I've outsourced little bits and pieces here and there and what I think about is how much is this going to cost me in both scenarios if I hire someone for it or if I don't hire someone for it, what is the cost? What is the benefit? I don't want to be good at everything and eventually I only want to be good a executive coaching. I will want a marketing team, I will want a business manager. I will want all of that. I don't have the capacity or the money for that yet, but I'm only two years out of my corporate career. So I'm at a reasonable place for myself and I get to pick and choose what pieces I hand off. Carly Ries (20:53): Yeah, great point. I think it's funny as you've been talking about this, I have a self-deprecating monster. It's funny cause you say the monsters are like the tool, your defense mechanism. I feel like I'm very self-deprecating with my weaknesses. So as you're saying that, I'm like, gosh, that's something like a monster in mind and I didn't realize that was a monster. But I know that I can use that to my advantages in some cases. So how can people make their higher self louder and quiet their monsters a little more? And how can you use your monsters to your advantage? Lauren Lefkowitz (21:28): Great question. I'll start with your monsters. Your monsters can be used to your advantage to sort. When you're talking yourself out of something, choose a monster. And I gave you examples of three that I see in a lot of people, but I have like 40. I have a "they're out to get you monster", who's suspicious of everybody. I also have a Pollyanna monster who thinks everybody is all good and they argue with each other. So we have a plethora of monsters. There's no shortage. I do an exercise with my clients where we identify their higher selves and we identify their monsters and then we can sort of bring those into conversations when people are saying, "I can't". For identifying your monsters and for noticing them, notice when you say, "but" notice when you say "because", notice when you give yourself an excuse or a reason why not, those are your monsters. (22:34): Now if they are protecting you, then thanks monsters! And a great way to look at those monsters is in your own risk tolerance. So if you're not a risky person and somebody says, I have an amazing business opportunity for you, you only have to spend $40,000. Your monsters are gonna say, no, don't do that. And then your monsters will give you some time to evaluate whether you should do that or not. Even if your gut reaction is excitement and they can help you decide with your higher self, do I wanna do that? Do I want to invest in that? Does that risk level match my temperament and my tolerance. To identify your higher self, Ask other people what they think about you. Because we are not good at complimenting ourselves. We are not good at looking at who we are and how we are. (23:22): We are much better at looking at what's wrong with us. We are much better looking at the I can't becauses. So when you ask other people, "when you think of me, what do you think of?" Collect that data. See what comes up, what are the themes? What do different people say about you that is the same. I do this kind of exercise really in depth with my clients. And what ends up happening is that you learn about who you are. So some of my higher self qualities are that I'm a catalyst. I've been told by people that being with me is like sitting by a warm fire, which is the greatest compliment. And I look out for it. I look out for times when I'm working with clients or talking to friends or family, and I see that in myself and I try to remember that because it's so much easier to remember the monsters. So if you have these sides of yourself talking to each other and you're really noticing both sides and not just noticing the monsters, you're giving yourself the opportunity to see the greatness in you that other people already see. Carly Ries (24:37): It's so funny that the way you described people, or the way people described you, because I watched your presentation, I have followed your LinkedIn, we've emailed back and forth a little bit and literally the word that just kept coming into my mind was, gosh, she's so warm. She's just so warm, so I was like, oh, nailed it. Cuz the people that really know her said the same thing. Lauren Lefkowitz (25:01): Thank you. A few years ago if you had asked me, I would have not been able to own that. So some of the work that you can do, some of that inner work, which is valuable to do with a coach or a business coach or a company that helps you run your one-person business the way that, the way that you do at Lifestarr is that you're not on your own. One of my challenges was, I'd been executive coaching for 15 years before I realized I needed my own coach. It did not occur to me that as a high achieving, people pleasing, super successful person, that anybody could be more clever about me than me. That if I couldn't figure it out for myself, it probably wasn't figureoutable. So I lived this like almost martyr life where I was like, I'll help other people achieve their dreams, but that's not for me. (26:03): And I think a lot of us do that, especially a lot of high achievers. Especially people who want to be solopreneurs but are holding themselves back and keeping a long-term side gig because they aren't hitting that mark that they're trying to hit. Because we think we have to do it by ourselves. We think if we're smart enough to be supporting other people, to be leadership for other people, we shouldn't need help and support. So for me, through getting help and support, through having my own coach, through having my own business coach, through looking out for resources and community and other people who were building, which is how I came across this community, was just instrumental in giving me the confidence to stand up and tell you who I am and to take credit for who I am and to reach out for more support and really receive that support. Not just sort of superficially tell people I receive support, but actually really receiving and internalizing that. I think that's what so many of us don't realize. There is so much opportunity for support and community and help and then passing that on and paying it on forward and building this chain of people who just help and support each other. Carly Ries (27:25): Yeah. I feel like this podcast is so inspiring and I hope listeners feel the same way. You've given us so much wisdom, let's tie it all back together, knowing the monsters, knowing how we started. We started with what is "fine is a trap". So with everything you've given, how do people avoid Fine is a trap. Lauren Lefkowitz (27:47): The first thing is to pay attention, to notice. We do so much doing in our lives, and all of the things we talked about today are the being side of us. Are we being our monsters, are we being our higher selves? Are we being stuck in this trap of fine or are we willing to look out for what else might be out there? So before you even start looking, before you even start deciding, notice what is fine, what's great when you end your day. I have a client who does roses and thorns at the end of her day with her spouse. What was the best part of your day and the worst part of your day? Recognize that. What are the themes that come up? What was the best part of your day? Was there a best part of your day or was it just okay, and does that go on and on? (28:43): We're gonna have days where we don't feel amazing, but if all of your days aren't amazing, something's wrong. So notice what's wrong, then decide what do you not want anymore? What does not work for you? Once you clear out that set of cobwebs, what do you want? Write yourself a list of what you want and every time you write the word but, cross out the second half of that sentence, stop limiting yourself in just your ideas and thoughts. Then go find the support. It's gonna be different for everybody. Some people thrive with a coach, some people thrive with communities, some people thrive with an entire business that helps them run their business and everything in between. There are hundreds of ways to run your business as a solopreneur, but the thing you have to recognize is that, you don't have to be alone in it. You have to notice where you get stuck, where you hold yourself back, where your monsters get too loud and those are the parts of you that need support. Carly Ries (29:46): I love all of this. Joe Rando (29:51): I love the fact that, we're all kind of coming to the same place of just because you're a solopreneur, don't think you have to be alone. It's one of the things that people really don't like about being solopreneurs is being alone and yet it's a mistake. It's a mistake to be alone. Stacy has that sign up behind her sometimes in some of the events it's says "Solo together" Carly Ries (30:16): Well, Lauren, you have given us so, so many I feel like quotable moments in this show. So I have to ask you, what is your favorite quote about success? Lauren Lefkowitz (30:27): I have a lot of favorite quotes about success, but I think my very favorite is, and I think originally it was attributed to Ford from the Ford Motor Company. But there's controversy about who said it first. The quote is, "Wherever we go, we bring us with us." I went from a 60 hour a week job, brought me with me without doing any inner work to the next job and got myself to 80 hours, sometimes up to a hundred hours because I didn't do the work. I broke my shoulders chasing a vacuum. Carly Ries (31:14): Okay, story time. You teed it up. You have to say it now. Lauren Lefkowitz (31:19): Ye I will tell you before I tell you that story. I learned zero lessons from it because I didn't do the work. I was building my perfect life. I was working 80 plus hours a week, and in my head I was building my perfect life. And in order to build my perfect life, I had to make my home perfect. So I cleaned everything out, got rid of a whole bunch of stuff, donated, threw away, organized my underwear by color. Everything was perfect. I was working from home on a snowy day, and I was running my Roomba vacuum to do the last perfect run of dust cleanup. And I saw the vacuum going for an unplugged glass lamps cord. It was the last thing I needed to donate. I jumped up from my laptop and ran across the room to catch it before it caught the lamp, slid in my socks on my wood floor, reached out my arms to try to reach a table. I wasn't close enough to, fell flat on my front and broke both of my shoulders over my head. Carly Ries (32:22): Oh My gosh! Lauren Lefkowitz (32:22): It was a literal sign from the universe because my known persona was that I was a hand raiser. I was a chronic hand raiser. Anytime anybody said, I need help with this, I will help. I nicknamed nicknamed myself the vice president of whatever you need. I would help with anything. The first joke from all different friends and colleagues from all different walks of my life, the first thing they said was, look who can't be a hand raiser anymore? So during my recovery, which the full recovery was about a year, but the time off of work was about four months. During my recovery, I said to myself, I will not go back to work the same way. I will work 40 hours a week. I will set boundaries, I will stay in my lane. I'm done with this hand raising, but I did no work. (33:15): And another favorite quote of mine is, "A goal without a plan is simply a wish". So I went right back to it. I went right back to 80 plus hours a week. When I hit my breaking point, it was the beginning of the pandemic. I was the vice president of HR, I was overseeing operations, I was overseeing meeting and conference planning. I was interim managing finance. I was managing a renovation of our office that was a million dollar renovation and I was tired. And that was when I hired my own coach was when I hit that point where I just couldn't see how to change anything. I couldn't do the work myself. And here I was coaching other people on how to do the work and really helping people change their lives. I couldn't see a way out. I finally realized that I could be helped if I was willing to be Carly Ries (34:08): Wow. I'm speechless. That was so inspiring. Lauren, you are an executive coach for people listening. Where can people find you if they are looking for help in your realm? Lauren Lefkowitz (34:22): Thank you for asking. There are three places where you can find me very easily. One is LinkedIn. I'm super active there. I'm on there every day. One is at fineisatrap.com where you can get your own inventory of how fine your professional life is right now. The third is my podcast, which is "I could talk to you all day", which I do with another executive coach. It is a podcast for leaders who are also humans, which I think is most of us. We get really vulnerable about our own experiences as executives, our own experiences of being entrepreneurs and we make it funny. Carly Ries (35:03): Cool. Wonderful. I cannot wait to listen. Joe Rando (35:05): Put those in the show notes, right? Carly Ries (35:07): Yes, absolutely. So thank you. (35:11): Well Lauren, this has been so wonderful. Thank you so much for coming on the show. And for listeners, like we keep saying, you are not alone in this, we are soloed together. If you are proof of that, visit Lifestarr.com with two r's. We have resources for you. We have great community blogs, we have an app getting released in hopefully a few months or so. You are not in this alone. Lifestarr.com with 2 rs. Be sure to check it out. Be sure to check out everything Lauren just mentioned or to reach out to her and we will see you next time. Thanks for listening. Closing (35:47): You may be going solo in business, but that doesn't mean you're alone. In fact, millions of people are in your shoes running a one-person business and figuring it out as they go. So why not connect with them and learn from each other's successes and failures. At LifeStarr, we're creating a one-person business community where you can go to meet and get advice from other solopreneurs. Be sure to join in on the conversations at community.lifestarr.com.