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Money & Wealth Replay: Money & Marriage · Money And Wealth With John Hope Bryant

0:00
Speaker 1: Welcome the Money in Wealth with John Hobryant, a production
0:03
Speaker 1: of the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Hey, Hey
0:15
Speaker 1: is John Hope Bryant. And this is Money and Wealth
0:18
Speaker 1: And the theme of this week's episode is hot. Now
0:22
Speaker 1: that's not the theme I'm talking about. The topic is hot.
0:24
Speaker 1: You guys are gonna be talking about this one for
0:26
Speaker 1: a long time and nobody wants to talk about it.
0:29
Speaker 1: It's money and dating and marriage. All right, let's get
0:33
Speaker 1: at this. The first thing I want to deal with
0:36
Speaker 1: is in the trending topic of the week, this brother,
0:39
Speaker 1: you know, really decent brother. It appears he it was
0:43
Speaker 1: all over social media. Still is Ashley Brother went with
0:47
Speaker 1: his wife for dinner for one of his wife's girlfriends.
0:50
Speaker 1: And he knew, like I know all of you know,
0:53
Speaker 1: I know most of Shaker's good friends. So if I'm
0:56
Speaker 1: going to, you know, go to a surprise party whatever,
1:00
Speaker 1: I might be the one if Chasers busy to invite
1:03
Speaker 1: the rest of her crew. Right. So in this example,
1:06
Speaker 1: Chaterer's my wife, by the way, chaseck Bryant. So in
1:08
Speaker 1: this example, this brother, I don't know the backstory, but
1:12
Speaker 1: it appears his wife's girlfriend was having a birthday. He
1:16
Speaker 1: agreed to sponsor the birthday girl and his wife. Makes
1:20
Speaker 1: perfect sense to me, makes perfect sense to you, So
1:23
Speaker 1: far right? Okay, Somehow the brother ends up inviting the
1:26
Speaker 1: girlfriends of the birthday girl to a birthday dinner. So far,
1:31
Speaker 1: so good. Right, now you know what's coming next. This
1:36
Speaker 1: is us I'm talking about. Now, I'm not picking on us,
1:39
Speaker 1: but I'm talking about a high profile Flossie. You know
1:44
Speaker 1: where I'm going. And this is anybody flossy, any race,
1:47
Speaker 1: but anybody who knows a sister or brother. You know
1:50
Speaker 1: where I'm about to go, young Flossie. And I guess
1:54
Speaker 1: a little entitled Dinner's nice, it's over, And the bill comes.
1:58
Speaker 1: It's seven hundred dollars. Looks like it's about seven people
2:01
Speaker 1: at the table. And my man says, can you bring
2:04
Speaker 1: me a check from me and the birthday girl and
2:05
Speaker 1: my wife, and then of course split the rest of the
2:07
Speaker 1: check up exceptarate checks. Makes perfect sense to me. The
2:11
Speaker 1: girls go cray cray on his brother. They go absolutely nuts,
2:15
Speaker 1: what are you talking about? Nick? And somebody's filming this,
2:17
Speaker 1: I guess, because they're just filming the birthday dinner and
2:19
Speaker 1: they get all this drama. On tape. But the short
2:22
Speaker 1: version is the girls go nuts on his brother and
2:25
Speaker 1: start lecturing him, including the birthday girl. By the way,
2:28
Speaker 1: she'd be off my Christmas list for the next time.
2:31
Speaker 1: Around me and my mate, we have to have separate
2:33
Speaker 1: conversations about about homegirl. So the homegirl starts lecturing the
2:37
Speaker 1: man about how he has a responsibility. Oh, this is ghetto,
2:40
Speaker 1: she says, why are you not paying for everybody else?
2:42
Speaker 1: Now I might take a little bit of abuse from
2:46
Speaker 1: the birthday girl, given that it's her birthday and somebody
2:49
Speaker 1: I guess should be paying other than her. But when
2:51
Speaker 1: the guests start talking about you're the only man at
2:55
Speaker 1: the table, what does that mean? You know, some cases,
3:01
Speaker 1: I'm my own woman, And you know, a man is
3:02
Speaker 1: not a plan or whatever the thing is. You know
3:05
Speaker 1: in some cases is respect me and so on and
3:07
Speaker 1: so forth, and so on and so on. And by
3:09
Speaker 1: the way, I'm a brother that opens doors, and my
3:11
Speaker 1: mother raised me that way. And I just offer to
3:14
Speaker 1: pay for the bill if I'm in the presence of
3:16
Speaker 1: ladies children speaking anyway, But that doesn't mean that somebody
3:19
Speaker 1: should not offer to cover their own expense. I'm not
3:23
Speaker 1: your daddy, I'm not your partner. I'm not your mate,
3:26
Speaker 1: I'm not your I'm not your financial sponsor. I'm not
3:29
Speaker 1: responsible for you. Right, You're responsible for you, and you're
3:32
Speaker 1: responsible for your eats, for your meals. And yes, I
3:36
Speaker 1: you know, maybe I invite you to come to a
3:37
Speaker 1: birthday dinner, but you have dominion an agency over your
3:40
Speaker 1: own life. And just like you paid for the valet
3:43
Speaker 1: and the gas when you came to that dinner, and
3:45
Speaker 1: all the phone calls on the way to that dinner,
3:46
Speaker 1: and the phone you're using at that dinner, I don't
3:50
Speaker 1: see why you should assume that you're not paying for
3:52
Speaker 1: the dinner itself unless I volunteer to sponsor it, which
3:57
Speaker 1: is graciousness out of my own heart. But how dare
3:59
Speaker 1: you presume and you know that old phrase, when you assume,
4:03
Speaker 1: you make an ass out of you and me Hello,
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Speaker 1: But I don't know how you presume or assume anything
4:10
Speaker 1: in this situation yet alone. What responsibility is so called
4:14
Speaker 1: I have in this situation or in this case, Sorry,
4:18
Speaker 1: I'm gotting all hot now, because it's somebody who's got
4:20
Speaker 1: some means. I'm always finding that people expect I'm a
4:23
Speaker 1: pay for whatever it is, you know, going on. Maybe
4:25
Speaker 1: I'm getting little patsd here. But the brother here was
4:29
Speaker 1: just and he never lost as cool as you'll see,
4:31
Speaker 1: he's very, very smooth. He's very respectful even though he's
4:34
Speaker 1: being disrespected, and he holds his ground. Lady's like, you're
4:37
Speaker 1: the only man at the table. Now you need to
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Speaker 1: pay for this. You invited us, He invited you, but
4:42
Speaker 1: he didn't say I'm hosting, I'm sponsoring. It'd be a
4:44
Speaker 1: different thing. He says I'm hosting you and then reneged
4:48
Speaker 1: on that. And that's not what happened. They just assumed
4:52
Speaker 1: and presumed. So that's there bad right now. I do
4:57
Speaker 1: want your opinion on this way in But I'm telling
5:00
Speaker 1: you that's just being raised proper right, and nobody's responsible
5:04
Speaker 1: for your bills just because you're pretty and because you
5:07
Speaker 1: you're a woman, and I guess you think you're cute
5:09
Speaker 1: and all that kind of stuff, and that doesn't that
5:11
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that the guy is just responding. And this
5:13
Speaker 1: guy he said, look, he says, look, I'm taking care
5:16
Speaker 1: of my wife. That's my responsibility. And I'll even offer
5:20
Speaker 1: to take care of the birthday girl. You know the
5:22
Speaker 1: rest of you. I thought I just told you what
5:24
Speaker 1: was going on? Right? And the rest is you know,
5:27
Speaker 1: this is your bills on you. Now. I guess he
5:29
Speaker 1: might have also said, if you had been nice to me,
5:32
Speaker 1: maybe I would have paid your bill. But I'm not paying.
5:35
Speaker 1: Is what you copping not only an attitude but a dude.
5:39
Speaker 1: All right, let me know what you think about this.
5:43
Speaker 1: It to me, this is just absolutely Craig Cray. This
5:46
Speaker 1: is just a This is just common sense, like and
5:49
Speaker 1: and good manner. It's just good home training. That's what
5:51
Speaker 1: I'm talking about. It's good home training to say that
5:53
Speaker 1: I take care of myself. I cover my own bill.
5:55
Speaker 1: And if you covered, god, bless you and thank you.
5:57
Speaker 1: But don't come to me with a sense of entitlement.
5:59
Speaker 1: Have a spirit of appreciation, not a spirit of expectation.
6:04
Speaker 1: You have a period spirit of appreciation. I'm with you
6:07
Speaker 1: all day, all night. You're kind, You're gracious. I'll lean
6:10
Speaker 1: in and say you say, hey, I'm you know, I'm
6:11
Speaker 1: covering my piece or a joe whatever, here's my credit card.
6:15
Speaker 1: I might then say, no, no, don't worry about that.
6:17
Speaker 1: Susanna or whatever your name is. I got you just
6:19
Speaker 1: because I you know you may have you know, but
6:21
Speaker 1: the rest of y'all. I can't say what I'm thinking
6:24
Speaker 1: the rest of y'all. That not offering your car, you're
6:27
Speaker 1: definitely paying for yours. All right, anyway, watch that, Listen
6:31
Speaker 1: to that, let me know what you think. Okay, how
6:43
Speaker 1: stuff works? The money in marriage segment, this is this
6:47
Speaker 1: is going to be hot and popping. You thought that
6:49
Speaker 1: the trending topic section was hot, wait for this, right,
6:54
Speaker 1: and this is this should just be a radical movement
6:56
Speaker 1: of common sense. But whenever you involve money and emotions,
7:01
Speaker 1: it's going to be messy. And nothing is messier than
7:05
Speaker 1: a love relationship. But I think we've gotten marriage twisted.
7:09
Speaker 1: In fact, I know we have, and I'm going to
7:12
Speaker 1: unpack what marriage really is and I'm going to go
7:15
Speaker 1: through a lot of very detailed and difficult questions in
7:18
Speaker 1: this podcast. And then let's, as my friend Charlemagne, like
7:22
Speaker 1: God would say, let's discuss. And I'm honored to be
7:26
Speaker 1: on the Black Effect Network with Charlemagne, by the way, sir,
7:29
Speaker 1: on his board, and have this podcast where we can
7:31
Speaker 1: have these conversations every week. This is my ministry of finance,
7:35
Speaker 1: This is my pull pit, This is my weekly opportunity
7:39
Speaker 1: on every Thursday, tell your friends to subscribe to unpack
7:43
Speaker 1: the mysteries of money and wealth creation and all the
7:46
Speaker 1: stuff that you wanted to ask questions about you're curious about,
7:50
Speaker 1: and you were maybe too embarrassed to ashamed for some
7:52
Speaker 1: reason to ask, and nobody had halunteered to tell you. You
7:54
Speaker 1: never got the memo on money. You're not dumb, and
7:56
Speaker 1: you're not stupid, you're brilliant. But it's what you don't
7:59
Speaker 1: know that you don't know. This is killing you, but
8:01
Speaker 1: you think you know. And here's one example. Now I'm
8:05
Speaker 1: going to deal with dating first and marriage. But you're
8:08
Speaker 1: dating your girlfriend boyfriend, you're living together, your partners in
8:13
Speaker 1: a business together, your friends with intertwined finances together. Here's
8:18
Speaker 1: the rule number one that will apply to all three
8:21
Speaker 1: of these examples. I'm giving you this is the only
8:23
Speaker 1: time that maths do not make sense. Two plus two
8:26
Speaker 1: has to equal more than four. If two plus two
8:29
Speaker 1: does not equal six, eight, or ten, what are you doing?
8:31
Speaker 1: If you're not better together, what are you doing? Right?
8:37
Speaker 1: So that's the first rule is that if you're in
8:40
Speaker 1: a relationship, you have to be better together. That person
8:43
Speaker 1: has to make you better. Or to quote my friend Quincy, Jones.
8:46
Speaker 1: The worst thing that being alone is wishing that you were.
8:50
Speaker 1: The four rules of financial literacy in a relationship. Now,
8:54
Speaker 1: this is when you are finances are intertwined, you're living
8:59
Speaker 1: together and or you're married. Four rules, four components. Four
9:03
Speaker 1: places on the playing field. Place number one you can
9:07
Speaker 1: make the money and spend it. Place number two you
9:11
Speaker 1: can make the money and manage it. Place number three.
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Speaker 1: This is the respective of who's where there's male or
9:18
Speaker 1: female making the money. By the way, place number three,
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Speaker 1: you can manage the money and spend it in accordance
9:25
Speaker 1: with the budget that you both agree on and priorities
9:29
Speaker 1: and all that stuff, and cadence meaning the process by
9:32
Speaker 1: which you spend money. But you can't just spend it.
9:36
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say that one more time. Please don't veer
9:38
Speaker 1: off the road. If you're listening to this, don't go.
9:41
Speaker 1: Don't flip your car. Maybe to pull over and listen
9:44
Speaker 1: to this again. Hit the reverse fifteen second mark and
9:47
Speaker 1: go back, because this is really basic. But almost everybody
9:50
Speaker 1: misses this. And by the way, the number one calls
9:53
Speaker 1: for divorce is money. The number one calls for domestic
9:57
Speaker 1: abuse is money. The number one calls for police injury
10:02
Speaker 1: on domestic abuse calls, it's tied to domestic abuse calls
10:07
Speaker 1: about money. The number one calls for heart attacks is stress.
10:12
Speaker 1: The number one cause for stress is money. Ninety percent
10:16
Speaker 1: of employees on the job today say their number one
10:21
Speaker 1: stressor is money. And just real talk. If you see
10:26
Speaker 1: a long drawn out, contentious divorce proceeding, people say it's
10:30
Speaker 1: over this, and it's over that, and he did this,
10:33
Speaker 1: and she did that, and so on and so forth.
10:36
Speaker 1: But if you see a divorce is extending weeks, no months,
10:40
Speaker 1: no years, right, Unfortunately, something extended years, you can just
10:45
Speaker 1: add zeros because if it's extending weeks or months, then
10:50
Speaker 1: they're probably middle class to wealthy. If it's extending years,
10:54
Speaker 1: they're uber wealthy. But if you did broke, that thing's
10:57
Speaker 1: over in a day. If it's you broke. People getting
11:00
Speaker 1: a divorce, it's like, Okay, I'm done, I'm doneb tired
11:03
Speaker 1: to you, I'm tired of you. Okay, where's the paper,
11:05
Speaker 1: let me sign it. I'm out of here. If there's
11:07
Speaker 1: a long contentious divorce, I hate to tell you, I
11:10
Speaker 1: was so excited about this. I just connected two words.
11:14
Speaker 1: I hate to tell you, I said, I hate to
11:16
Speaker 1: say it. I hate to say it, but that's over money.
11:22
Speaker 1: Well you say no, no, no, no, John, that's over the children. Really,
11:28
Speaker 1: there's no child support tied to the claim around the children.
11:33
Speaker 1: Are we just arguing over who's going to keep the child? Okay,
11:37
Speaker 1: don't trust me, Go look at the proceedings yourself. Ninety
11:40
Speaker 1: nine percent of the time if who's responsible for the child,
11:44
Speaker 1: and by the way, the other person has to pay
11:46
Speaker 1: for the child's up keep. I'm not saying it's right
11:50
Speaker 1: or wrong. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm
11:52
Speaker 1: telling you the way it ti is. That's about money, Okay,
11:56
Speaker 1: alimony that's a fancy word for saying living expenses. And
12:01
Speaker 1: family court is interesting. It's the only place where it's
12:06
Speaker 1: not strictly the rule of law. Right, it's basically who
12:10
Speaker 1: does the judge in the process like favor whatever or
12:14
Speaker 1: dislike the least, and who's got the money? Now, you
12:17
Speaker 1: know it can be slightly more complicated than that, but
12:20
Speaker 1: you know, it sort of boils down to likability and
12:25
Speaker 1: you know, drawing this process out because the whole the
12:28
Speaker 1: longest draws out the machine, the you know, the lawyers,
12:31
Speaker 1: the clerks, all you're in doing is in enriching the
12:34
Speaker 1: lawyers and all the processes those folks have to get paid.
12:37
Speaker 1: And the longer this thing goes back and forth with
12:40
Speaker 1: proceedings and testimony and whatever, the more the process is
12:45
Speaker 1: eating up your net worth whatever you have between you
12:48
Speaker 1: and your spouse or farmer spouse. So this is about
12:53
Speaker 1: money nine times out of ten is being drawn out
12:57
Speaker 1: because it's an argument over money. Again, I'm not saying
12:59
Speaker 1: that that right or wrong. I'm telling you that's the
13:01
Speaker 1: way a TI is. And that's not even the topic
13:03
Speaker 1: of this. That's not even the central point of this podcasts.
13:06
Speaker 1: As I said, this is how contentious and crazy this
13:09
Speaker 1: thing is because no one talks about this. Maybe I'm
13:12
Speaker 1: the first person to break this down in this way,
13:14
Speaker 1: not emotionally, but that's the least dramatic thing probably that
13:19
Speaker 1: I'm going to say. Let me go back to the
13:21
Speaker 1: four rules again. I want to make sure you write
13:23
Speaker 1: these down. There's four rules for a successful financial literacy
13:26
Speaker 1: amongst two people working together sharing resources. Number One, the
13:30
Speaker 1: person makes the money have the right to make it
13:33
Speaker 1: and theoretically to spend it. It's their money, and you
13:37
Speaker 1: don't get to tell them to spend it. Not they
13:39
Speaker 1: can't spend their money. It's just because you're connected to them.
13:42
Speaker 1: Unless there's a pre agreement in that regard Number two,
13:46
Speaker 1: that person can make the money and decide to manage
13:48
Speaker 1: it and not spend it. Make it invested, make it,
13:51
Speaker 1: put it on it, you know, do whatever they want
13:53
Speaker 1: with it, give it away if they want to. So
13:56
Speaker 1: as long they're madeing their family obligations making it, you
13:58
Speaker 1: can make it and spend it and launch meeting your
14:00
Speaker 1: family obligations. And by the way you spend it irresponsibly,
14:05
Speaker 1: you may not be married very long. So this is
14:08
Speaker 1: this story. I have a friend of mine who was
14:10
Speaker 1: at that point president of a very prestigious publication. I
14:13
Speaker 1: can't say too much or you might be made a
14:14
Speaker 1: backtrack and find his name. And I was staying with
14:17
Speaker 1: him as a guest in New York because New York's
14:20
Speaker 1: very expensive and this is the early years of Operation
14:22
Speaker 1: and Hope, and I needed to save money wherever I could,
14:24
Speaker 1: and so I was staying at this place. He was
14:25
Speaker 1: gracious enough to allow me to stay there. And he
14:27
Speaker 1: comes back from a meeting with a bunch of black folks.
14:29
Speaker 1: He's white, very fair minded guy, but he's not black,
14:32
Speaker 1: and he's meeting with all these black people in his
14:34
Speaker 1: offices and they're just going They're talking on and on
14:35
Speaker 1: and on and on and on about something that he
14:38
Speaker 1: didn't necessarily relate to, yet alone agree with. And so
14:42
Speaker 1: he came home to his house where I was staying,
14:45
Speaker 1: very upset and frustrated. Man, I'm listening to these people
14:47
Speaker 1: all day. I guess he forgot I was black, and
14:50
Speaker 1: are just so comfortable with me. And I said, look,
14:54
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say Joe because if I say again, I'm
14:55
Speaker 1: not gonna say it's a real name, because you might.
14:57
Speaker 1: You're so smart the audience, you may put two and
14:59
Speaker 1: two together there. I'm gonna call him Joe. His name
15:02
Speaker 1: is not Joe. Hey, Joe, do you like being married?
15:04
Speaker 1: He's like, what do you? What does that have to
15:05
Speaker 1: do with the price of tea in China? Yes, of
15:07
Speaker 1: course I like the I like being married. But I'm
15:09
Speaker 1: telling you about this thing that happened in my office
15:11
Speaker 1: to day. And they talked forever, and I, you know,
15:13
Speaker 1: I got really tired. I said, look, do you like
15:15
Speaker 1: being married? Yes? I said, Look, your wife may say
15:18
Speaker 1: something that you may think doesn't make much sense, and
15:21
Speaker 1: you sometimes may say some stuff. I'm sure do that
15:25
Speaker 1: she because you're saying something now doesn't make any sense.
15:28
Speaker 1: That doesn't make any sense to her. But in this example,
15:30
Speaker 1: she's saying something and you don't think it makes much sense.
15:33
Speaker 1: Now you may tell her that in that moment you
15:35
Speaker 1: think that she sounds crazy or she is crazy, but
15:38
Speaker 1: sounds crazy is offensive enough. I mean, maybe she said,
15:43
Speaker 1: you know, I don't know. She just saw a horse
15:46
Speaker 1: gallivanting on the moon, she saw with her own eyes,
15:49
Speaker 1: and now she wants to go ride the horse. I'm
15:51
Speaker 1: just saying something completely ridiculous. And now that technically might
15:55
Speaker 1: mean that she was on mushrooms at that moment, or
15:57
Speaker 1: had done too much marijuana, had to much to drink,
16:00
Speaker 1: or maybe she is momentarily crazy. But if you say
16:03
Speaker 1: you sound crazy, you might be technically correct, but you
16:07
Speaker 1: won't be married. You got to decide whether you want
16:11
Speaker 1: to be married or you want to be right. Those
16:14
Speaker 1: two things are different. So if you decide to make
16:17
Speaker 1: the money and spend it, that's you're right, but you
16:19
Speaker 1: may not be married very long. Make the money and
16:22
Speaker 1: manage it, okay, that's more responsible, and managing it means
16:24
Speaker 1: you're going to also take care of your shared responsibilities.
16:27
Speaker 1: And by the way, you can also if you're not
16:29
Speaker 1: the one making the money, you can manage it and
16:31
Speaker 1: under agreement with the person making it, spend it. So
16:34
Speaker 1: now you're both on the same page and you're not
16:37
Speaker 1: when your outfloaks heeds, you're inflowed and your overhead will
16:39
Speaker 1: be your downfall. So you're not creating a stressful situation
16:43
Speaker 1: where uh, the person comes home and they're like, what
16:47
Speaker 1: is this? I mean, why don't there's no Why isn't
16:49
Speaker 1: there no money in the account? Why is a credit
16:51
Speaker 1: card built exploding? And that's just an argument waiting to
16:55
Speaker 1: happen because they're like, I can time, I can't make
16:58
Speaker 1: it fast enough. You're always spending it. Stop it, knock
17:01
Speaker 1: it off, right, So that's going to end badly. Right again,
17:05
Speaker 1: the majority of divorces and majority of drama is money related,
17:09
Speaker 1: even though it may seem like it's another situation, and
17:14
Speaker 1: what you absolutely cannot do is just spend it. The
17:18
Speaker 1: inference there is that you're not making it and you're
17:20
Speaker 1: not managing it, and you're not communicating. You just on
17:24
Speaker 1: fire with that credit card or checks or whatever. Atm
17:27
Speaker 1: withdrawals and you're just spending it that I guarantee you
17:31
Speaker 1: is a relationship that will not last. So those are
17:34
Speaker 1: ground rules. Write those down. It'll work if you apply
17:37
Speaker 1: that to your business partnerships, at entangled friendships, you're dating relationships,
17:44
Speaker 1: your girlfriend boyfriend, relationships where you're sharing finances, you're certainly
17:47
Speaker 1: you're living together, anything where you're living together or you're
17:51
Speaker 1: conjoined together, and certainly marriage. Okay, I guarantee you that
17:57
Speaker 1: will make life a lot easier for you. And if
18:00
Speaker 1: you have someone who is not yet completely captured the
18:04
Speaker 1: concept of budgeting, then just give them an allocation of
18:07
Speaker 1: whatever you're going to afford and cap it like. So
18:10
Speaker 1: you're not in an argument rights not bad or good
18:14
Speaker 1: by the way, this is just you know, making things
18:16
Speaker 1: work because you know, everybody has a different role in
18:19
Speaker 1: the relationship. Traditionally, it would be said, although these roles
18:24
Speaker 1: often switch. The man turn creates a house, the woman
18:26
Speaker 1: turns it into a home. It could also be the
18:29
Speaker 1: other way around. The woman is a breadwinner, she creates
18:33
Speaker 1: a house, and the man should be trying to turn
18:36
Speaker 1: that into a home, taking the pressure off his wife. Okay,
18:41
Speaker 1: how does marriage work? But I sort of already just
18:44
Speaker 1: just just said a lot of that, and I'm not
18:46
Speaker 1: a marriage counselor, and that's not what this is about.
18:48
Speaker 1: This is about the money and wealth and backstory parts
18:52
Speaker 1: of this. Even though you may pick up some tricks
18:57
Speaker 1: of the trade and some cheat sheet notes, some quick
19:00
Speaker 1: notes about how you can create a less tension in
19:03
Speaker 1: your relationship. So, how does marriage work? Who should you marry?
19:08
Speaker 1: What should be part of the courting process, Thoughts on
19:12
Speaker 1: pre nupts, our marriage back contracts. These are some questions
19:16
Speaker 1: that my folks wanted to and I guess people asking
19:19
Speaker 1: questions wanted me to answer. Before I can answer or
19:23
Speaker 1: address any of that, I've got to dismiss a very
19:27
Speaker 1: very bad presumption about marriage, and this goes to mostly
19:33
Speaker 1: who should you marry? The question We think that in
19:39
Speaker 1: Western society that marriage is romantic. It might be, but
19:44
Speaker 1: that wasn't the reason why marriage was created. The institution
19:48
Speaker 1: of marriage wasn't created nearly three thousand years before the
19:51
Speaker 1: birth of Christ, meaning before religion was introduced into the
19:54
Speaker 1: whole situation. Marriage did not originate in a romantic situation.
19:59
Speaker 1: Just very dramatic example now but unfortunately inaccurate one. When
20:02
Speaker 1: you go to the club tonight, ladies and you see
20:06
Speaker 1: a handsome dude. Guys, you go to the club tonight
20:08
Speaker 1: and you see a beautiful woman. Oh, man, she's fine.
20:13
Speaker 1: Oh girl, he's so he's so cute. Oh he's fine. Brother,
20:19
Speaker 1: Oh she's so sexy. What's your name? Cool? Good? So
20:23
Speaker 1: far after that, after pleasantries, what's your credit score? And
20:31
Speaker 1: you think I'm kidding, I don't let it, like literally mean,
20:34
Speaker 1: what's your credit score? But I mean you got to
20:36
Speaker 1: get behind the things that are temporary. Which of these
20:39
Speaker 1: looks you're observing? And here's a worse example. Brothers will
20:43
Speaker 1: go to a strip club and fall in love with
20:45
Speaker 1: a stripper, and there's nothing wrong with the stripper. She
20:47
Speaker 1: may be the most she may be the smartest person
20:49
Speaker 1: in the whole room, because a lot of these ladies
20:50
Speaker 1: who went to college, can't afford to college, don't have
20:53
Speaker 1: wealthy parents, whatever, and go and do this thing, which
20:56
Speaker 1: I'm not judging, you know, to make extra money. Do
20:59
Speaker 1: you really think, by the way, a beautiful woman is
21:02
Speaker 1: in a strip club at two three in the morning
21:03
Speaker 1: and have some two hundred and fifty pound dudes throwing
21:06
Speaker 1: her dollar bills at three in the morning because she
21:08
Speaker 1: likes it. She's there because of the money. Real talk.
21:12
Speaker 1: So this guy, whoever the guy is, goes to a
21:14
Speaker 1: strip club, falls in lust with some woman who may have,
21:18
Speaker 1: by the way, manufactured physique and all that kind of
21:22
Speaker 1: stuff because she's trying to entice somebody. By the way,
21:26
Speaker 1: this is the whole point of this. And what better
21:29
Speaker 1: deal than to just work for a tips for the night,
21:32
Speaker 1: get married, and you have a lot of brothers, very
21:35
Speaker 1: successful NBA players, NFL players, rappers, whatever, who will just
21:39
Speaker 1: fall in love with a stripper or whoever and marry
21:43
Speaker 1: him because of how they're looking. I was out with
21:44
Speaker 1: a high profile couple who was taking a high profile
21:48
Speaker 1: guy out for the night. I'm really trying to name
21:51
Speaker 1: names here, and I couldn't stick around for where they
21:53
Speaker 1: went next. Versus going to din they were going to
21:54
Speaker 1: a strip club. I couldn't go, but I wish them well.
21:58
Speaker 1: And I heard later that this person who you would
22:01
Speaker 1: know literally was so enticed by this lady he met
22:04
Speaker 1: at three in the morning, he put her on a
22:05
Speaker 1: plane the next day, senator to Los Angeles, put her
22:08
Speaker 1: up for you know, he was trying to have a
22:09
Speaker 1: relationship with her. I hope it works out. Probability is
22:12
Speaker 1: that they won't. But this is the power of attraction. Now,
22:17
Speaker 1: all good, knock yourself out, you know, live the experience
22:20
Speaker 1: you want to live. But that's not the point of marriage.
22:23
Speaker 1: And yes, should you be attracted to each other, yes,
22:25
Speaker 1: better that than not right. But let me tell you
22:28
Speaker 1: where marriage came from. Marriage came from different places, at
22:33
Speaker 1: different spaces, with different races, at different times, for different reasons,
22:38
Speaker 1: but most of those led back to wealth and economics
22:43
Speaker 1: and power. In the Middle Ages in Europe, you had
22:46
Speaker 1: cousins and relatives who married each other. They're trying to
22:51
Speaker 1: strengthen the family bond. I think it's a very bad
22:54
Speaker 1: idea for family members to marry each other have matter
22:56
Speaker 1: relations yuck. From my perspective, you can get all kind
22:59
Speaker 1: of medical problems and pass it down to your children.
23:04
Speaker 1: But I'm just telling you that many it was a
23:06
Speaker 1: very commonplace for relatives to marry each other because they
23:10
Speaker 1: were trying to create bonds between the houses, the royal
23:14
Speaker 1: houses in Europe. That's why the bloodlines are so consistent
23:18
Speaker 1: amongst European houses or royalty because they are all related.
23:25
Speaker 1: Now they also in some cases in fact, in many
23:29
Speaker 1: cases slept in different rooms. Hello, there's a presumption that
23:35
Speaker 1: you're going to sleep together today because this is a
23:37
Speaker 1: romantic situation. It wasn't a romantic situation. It was a
23:40
Speaker 1: business situation. It was about power, money, wealth, positioning in
23:43
Speaker 1: the world, like a lot of things. Are they married
23:47
Speaker 1: relatives and they slept in separate rooms, or they didn't
23:50
Speaker 1: marry relatives, they weren't related, but they slept in different
23:52
Speaker 1: separate rooms. You still have some situations like this in
23:55
Speaker 1: places like India where it's arranged marriage, in Asia where
23:58
Speaker 1: it's arranged marriage where you don't even know who you're
24:00
Speaker 1: marry until your parents put you together. That's not about
24:03
Speaker 1: romance either. They hope you like each other, but that's
24:06
Speaker 1: not the point. It's a class structure. Let me now
24:09
Speaker 1: go to if you want to really blow your mind,
24:13
Speaker 1: check out what traditional eskimos do with guests for dinner.
24:17
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna get into all that because I can't
24:19
Speaker 1: explain in the way that it's culturally sensitive. But you
24:22
Speaker 1: just do your own research. But it's not something that
24:25
Speaker 1: you would immediately recognize as something as a traditional marital habit.
24:33
Speaker 1: You can't judge this stuff go to the Middle East,
24:36
Speaker 1: it gets even stranger to a Western mind. You go
24:39
Speaker 1: to the Middle East, and if you want to judge
24:43
Speaker 1: men marrying multiple women. Now, I've been to the Middle
24:47
Speaker 1: East several times. It's been over one hundred countries. I've
24:49
Speaker 1: been in an elevator with a man who was ruling
24:54
Speaker 1: over his multiple wives and one wife, and I thought
24:57
Speaker 1: that was wrong. I still think it was wrong. I
25:00
Speaker 1: still know what's wrong. That's not what I'm talking about.
25:04
Speaker 1: What I'm talking about is that no different than check
25:06
Speaker 1: cashing comes from an honorable place and it's been perverted.
25:09
Speaker 1: And payday lending came from an honorable place. You don't
25:11
Speaker 1: have enough money, you have too much month at the
25:13
Speaker 1: end of your money, and so you need a advance
25:16
Speaker 1: on your paycheck to get you over troubled water. Or
25:18
Speaker 1: check cashing came from grocery stores that would write, would
25:21
Speaker 1: cast your convenience check for you, and the grocery stores
25:25
Speaker 1: figured out that it was more valuable to cast the
25:27
Speaker 1: checks that earn a two percent profit off of no
25:30
Speaker 1: expense of cashing a check for government employee for the
25:33
Speaker 1: government office that they know the check was good. Then
25:36
Speaker 1: the two percent or three percent profit they're making on
25:38
Speaker 1: groceries on the shelf and having the funnel that inventory
25:40
Speaker 1: in the grocery store. So they went from a grocery
25:42
Speaker 1: store to a check casher, and then they just started
25:45
Speaker 1: expanding fees. So that went from an honorable thing to
25:47
Speaker 1: an unhonorable thing. Here's another example where something went from
25:52
Speaker 1: honorable to interesting. Where in the Middle Ages, in those
25:57
Speaker 1: periods where there's a lot of warfare in the Middle East,
26:02
Speaker 1: ten men would leave the village and two men would return,
26:05
Speaker 1: and these villages there was a lot of relationships, a
26:07
Speaker 1: lot of family in those villages, and when the two
26:11
Speaker 1: men came back, eight men were murdered or killed in battle.
26:15
Speaker 1: The two men who were left saw these women. There
26:18
Speaker 1: was no police departments, there was no military, there was
26:20
Speaker 1: no streets at night that these women were vulnerable to predators.
26:24
Speaker 1: And so in respect and dignity they gave They want
26:27
Speaker 1: to give them women dignity and cover by marrying them
26:29
Speaker 1: into their family and giving all of them cover, protection, security,
26:35
Speaker 1: safety in their family. That's where that originally. Is it
26:39
Speaker 1: shocking to you, by the way, shocking to me when
26:42
Speaker 1: I first found it out when I was in the
26:43
Speaker 1: Middle East, and I actually asked the question versus making
26:46
Speaker 1: a presumption or assumption or worse, an accusation. And this
26:50
Speaker 1: is back. This stuff is actually multiple marriages are actually
26:52
Speaker 1: covered as I understand it, in the Qur'an. Somebody can
26:55
Speaker 1: correct me in the comments, but as I understand it,
26:57
Speaker 1: even this is covered in sections of the Quran. But
27:01
Speaker 1: it's irrelevant to this point because it actually happened initially
27:05
Speaker 1: because of warfare and not enough men to cover the women.
27:10
Speaker 1: So men married multiple women. Now, of course some people
27:14
Speaker 1: men viewed as in a chauvinistic way, a way to
27:17
Speaker 1: rule over women, have power over them, to show how
27:20
Speaker 1: there're such big guys, and really they're showing their small people.
27:24
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get you to understand that in many
27:27
Speaker 1: of these cases, marriage is about business in quotation marks
27:34
Speaker 1: not a business, but it's better together two plus tution
27:38
Speaker 1: equals six, eight or ten. Look, there are two women
27:42
Speaker 1: who funded that. I'm aware that I can think of
27:44
Speaker 1: who funded John O'Brien. Two women. I know, I know
27:47
Speaker 1: hundreds of thousands of people, But why am I married
27:50
Speaker 1: to Shake tre Bryant. I think I've ever told this
27:53
Speaker 1: story before. There's two women. My mother has given me
27:56
Speaker 1: a check in money in Shadraun, I'd come back from Africa.
28:00
Speaker 1: I've known her for twenty five plus years now, shatra
28:03
Speaker 1: I'd come back from Africa. I had bought some sculptures
28:07
Speaker 1: from Zimbabwe, Africa. Picasso was inspired by I call him
28:11
Speaker 1: African Picassos. And if you look at Picasso's work and
28:13
Speaker 1: you look at stone sculpture work from Zimbabwe, Africa, you
28:17
Speaker 1: will see the influence there. He found these sculptors, it
28:21
Speaker 1: was inspired by them. It took some of their designs
28:23
Speaker 1: and the rest is history. I bought some of his art,
28:26
Speaker 1: brought it home, and I think I had bought, you know,
28:29
Speaker 1: hundreds of pieces, and I didn't calculate the shipping costs,
28:35
Speaker 1: and the shipping costs caused more than the art pieces themselves.
28:38
Speaker 1: These were heavy pieces when they got here to I
28:41
Speaker 1: lived in Los Angeles at the time. It broke me
28:44
Speaker 1: to pay the shipping bill. And back then, the highest
28:47
Speaker 1: technology you had in the early nineties I believe this
28:50
Speaker 1: was late eighties, early nineties, and I think it was
28:52
Speaker 1: a website, and so I had a website, but I
28:55
Speaker 1: had no way to market these shon of stone sculptures.
28:58
Speaker 1: Could do nothing. They did set around my thought. I
29:00
Speaker 1: was a capitalist even then. I would sell twenty five
29:03
Speaker 1: percent to third of the inventory, pay off the rest
29:06
Speaker 1: of the inventory and all my expenses, and I'd become
29:09
Speaker 1: an art collector by having the rest of the art
29:12
Speaker 1: free and clear. Can I get an amen on that.
29:17
Speaker 1: I was very young when I was doing this. It
29:19
Speaker 1: was a great strategy, but I just hadn't thought it
29:21
Speaker 1: all the way through. So I was talking to Schaper
29:24
Speaker 1: on the phone one day and she said, how what's
29:26
Speaker 1: going on with you? And we were friends, and I
29:28
Speaker 1: told her I got myself into a bit of a pickle,
29:31
Speaker 1: got this great art is beautiful, and she's like, oh
29:33
Speaker 1: my god, this is great. It showed hers some pictures
29:35
Speaker 1: I think I think I had a website back then.
29:36
Speaker 1: Showed her the website It's Brian Group Africa back then,
29:39
Speaker 1: and told her my vision and she said, oh, I
29:42
Speaker 1: can help you. Huh, what do you mean you can
29:45
Speaker 1: help me? Well, you know, there's an event going on
29:49
Speaker 1: with wealthy black people mostly coming to it in Hershey, Pennsylvania.
29:54
Speaker 1: It was one of the social clubs that her and
29:55
Speaker 1: her family were members of, The Dalton family, doctor David Dalton,
29:59
Speaker 1: who to day runs the twentieth lartiest black owned business
30:01
Speaker 1: in America and his wife, missus Amy Dalton, and doctor
30:06
Speaker 1: Dalton were going this event with Schatra back then SHAPRAE Dalton,
30:11
Speaker 1: and she said, look, you get me this art. I
30:13
Speaker 1: will sell enough at that event they should be paying.
30:17
Speaker 1: But this they can afford that. They are all doing well.
30:19
Speaker 1: They're judges and doctors and lawyers, and they could be
30:21
Speaker 1: paying this stuff and giving back to Africa, and then,
30:24
Speaker 1: you know, solve your problem. And I said that sounds great.
30:27
Speaker 1: When's the event next week? I said, I can't do that.
30:29
Speaker 1: I don't have the money to walk around the corner
30:31
Speaker 1: yet alone get this art to Pennsylvania from the LA.
30:34
Speaker 1: She said, I didn't ask you about any money. Here's
30:36
Speaker 1: a credit card. Just get it shipped here and we'll
30:40
Speaker 1: take care of the rest. I took her credit card,
30:42
Speaker 1: didn't take turn it yes and turn it into a no.
30:45
Speaker 1: Take yes for an answer, say yes to somebody being gracious,
30:48
Speaker 1: don't take it undue advantage of them. I planned her
30:51
Speaker 1: paying her back, but I took that credit card and
30:53
Speaker 1: I put that art on U haul and had it
30:56
Speaker 1: shipped across the country. And then I bought a two
30:58
Speaker 1: hundred dollars plane ticket, a huff up a few bucks.
31:00
Speaker 1: I wasn't dead broke, right, it just didn't have the
31:03
Speaker 1: money to market the art. And I flew across the
31:05
Speaker 1: country for a couple hundred bucks on a middle seat
31:08
Speaker 1: you know, sitting on the wing, basically on CheapTickets dot
31:12
Speaker 1: com right, and got there just in time for the event.
31:15
Speaker 1: And as I walked up here as a U haul it,
31:18
Speaker 1: it's like six o'clock at night, so it's just getting dark.
31:21
Speaker 1: The events reception starting, just beginning to start this black
31:24
Speaker 1: tie event. I see these workers and I see this
31:26
Speaker 1: beautiful site. Two him in ball gowns and a man
31:29
Speaker 1: in a tuxedo. I had never met mister and missus
31:31
Speaker 1: Dalton before in my life. This is where you know
31:33
Speaker 1: somebody's got good parents. It comes from good genes. And
31:36
Speaker 1: the parents and chaterer are unloading this art with the workers.
31:42
Speaker 1: No one asked them, They just volunteered to do it.
31:44
Speaker 1: And Chaterer's parents didn't know me from a hole in
31:46
Speaker 1: the ground. They just knew I was her friend. What humility?
31:50
Speaker 1: This rule I'm about to give you is not universal.
31:52
Speaker 1: And again I'm not a marriage counselor, but I think
31:55
Speaker 1: it generally works. You want to find a good man,
31:57
Speaker 1: find a man who has a good relationship with his mother,
32:00
Speaker 1: a good woman, to find a woman who has a
32:01
Speaker 1: good relationship with her dad. You can still find somebody
32:04
Speaker 1: where that doesn't apply. But this is a cheat another
32:07
Speaker 1: cheat sheet. And Shakeel once told me that the first
32:11
Speaker 1: guy she fell in love with that she thought was
32:13
Speaker 1: just amazing was her father. Well, I could see where
32:16
Speaker 1: this came from, and I walked up and of course
32:19
Speaker 1: started to help them. They set the art up, They
32:21
Speaker 1: sold enough for me to pay off enough of that
32:24
Speaker 1: inventory that I was free. Shater got up so upset
32:27
Speaker 1: because she wanted to sell all the inventory that had
32:29
Speaker 1: been shipped there. She said, these folks should have bought
32:31
Speaker 1: all of this stuff they could afford it. And I said,
32:34
Speaker 1: that's very nice of you, very gracious, got back, thank
32:36
Speaker 1: you so much. How much do I owe you? What
32:38
Speaker 1: do you mean? But what do you mean? What do
32:40
Speaker 1: I mean? How much do I owe you? You don't
32:43
Speaker 1: owe me anything? What are you talking about? No, No, I
32:45
Speaker 1: owe you use X for the shipping and the workers
32:49
Speaker 1: and of course profit participation, profit sharing. You know what
32:53
Speaker 1: percentage of the profits that you want from this, I
32:56
Speaker 1: assume it at least be fifty percent. She says, no, no, no,
32:59
Speaker 1: I did this because I'm a friend. That's it. There's
33:02
Speaker 1: no other reason, Boom being go. I knew she was
33:06
Speaker 1: a different person, cut from a different cloth. Then she
33:09
Speaker 1: just did it because it's the right thing to do.
33:11
Speaker 1: Here's a good cheat sheet for a relationship. A giver
33:14
Speaker 1: and a giver exotic, A giver her to taker neurotic,
33:18
Speaker 1: A taker and a taker psychotic. I'll say that in reverse,
33:21
Speaker 1: A taker and a taker psychotic, A giver and a
33:24
Speaker 1: taker neurotic, A giver and a giver exotic. Which one
33:29
Speaker 1: do you have? Don't we looking over your mate while
33:33
Speaker 1: they sleep, cock eye and blaming it on me. I'm
33:36
Speaker 1: just making it plain. So marriages came from a business situation.
33:41
Speaker 1: We want to make it all romantic. Look, most things
33:44
Speaker 1: in life in balance are pretty healthy. Alcohol taken in
33:49
Speaker 1: moderation will lower your blood pressure. Wine drugs and moderation
33:54
Speaker 1: are prescribed right. The sleeping moderation will revitalize you over sleep.
34:00
Speaker 1: That's called depression, and it will make you more tired
34:04
Speaker 1: if you're sleeping all day and all night every day.
34:07
Speaker 1: So most things in moderation are healthy and good for you.
34:11
Speaker 1: So you can have this case of making sure your
34:14
Speaker 1: partner can raise children, can mentor those kids, can run
34:20
Speaker 1: a household, can manage finances, manage your budget, help you
34:24
Speaker 1: make decisions, make make you a better person. But in
34:27
Speaker 1: two plus two six eight ten, two plus two egos
34:30
Speaker 1: four two plus two equals three, meaning you're dragon this
34:33
Speaker 1: person all the way through their life and day babysitting
34:37
Speaker 1: an adult. And my opinion is going to cost you
34:40
Speaker 1: a lot. So now what by actually not answering these questions,
34:45
Speaker 1: I've actually answered a lot of these questions. How does
34:48
Speaker 1: marriage work? Who should you marry? What should be a
34:52
Speaker 1: part of the courting process? Thoughts on pre nups. Look,
34:58
Speaker 1: I knew a friend who married a sister and he
35:01
Speaker 1: had a prenup and that person was asked to write
35:05
Speaker 1: the prenup and they wrote a bad prenup. And now
35:09
Speaker 1: this is on the front end this relationship. They're madly
35:11
Speaker 1: in love whatever, So the man asked the woman to
35:13
Speaker 1: write the prenup just to show him. She was trying
35:15
Speaker 1: to show her how much he trusted. And you know
35:18
Speaker 1: how this wasn't a big deal. It was just he's
35:20
Speaker 1: trying to protect his assets and you know, formality, so
35:22
Speaker 1: on and so forth in case something happened to her
35:25
Speaker 1: or whatever or whatever, who will knows, in case things
35:28
Speaker 1: got messy. But he wanted to make sure she was
35:30
Speaker 1: taken care of, and so he wasn't trying to take
35:32
Speaker 1: advantage of her, just saying, hey, I made this money
35:35
Speaker 1: and this wealth before I met you, right, And I'm
35:37
Speaker 1: just you know, let what let's build something. What we
35:40
Speaker 1: build together is ours, right, And she went and wrote
35:44
Speaker 1: this prenup that was no good and she knew that
35:49
Speaker 1: from Jump Street. So when they broke up, it was,
35:52
Speaker 1: you know, a series of uncomfortable conversations. And imagine how
35:56
Speaker 1: that guy felt. Right, and this could happen the other
35:58
Speaker 1: way around, by the way the households, Black households are
36:02
Speaker 1: run by women. In many cases, the woman is the
36:04
Speaker 1: one bringing in the big bucks, and it might be
36:07
Speaker 1: her that her net worth and income. I've know of
36:12
Speaker 1: a situation I can think of right now where oh,
36:14
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about a specific situation. And this was a
36:17
Speaker 1: very wealthy couple. You used to stay at their house
36:20
Speaker 1: all the time in California when I traveled there in
36:22
Speaker 1: northern California, he romanced her white couple and married her,
36:28
Speaker 1: made her feel safe, said he was this big baller.
36:31
Speaker 1: She was actually already doing very well. She bought the
36:35
Speaker 1: houses and all that stuff, and he went off and
36:39
Speaker 1: did his thing anyway. They did his thing me, not
36:42
Speaker 1: their thing, did his thing for himself. They get a
36:44
Speaker 1: divorce and she and he takes her to the cleaners,
36:48
Speaker 1: and because ultimately it finds out he has nothing and
36:50
Speaker 1: she's the one making the money, she has to pay
36:54
Speaker 1: him alimony, even though he's the jerk in the whole situation,
36:58
Speaker 1: which clearly was a manipulation in a setup from jump.
37:02
Speaker 1: In both these situations, a person knew from day one
37:05
Speaker 1: they were manipulating the other and had intended to get
37:08
Speaker 1: in that marriage for financial gain, not because they love
37:12
Speaker 1: the other person. And this person, this lady I know,
37:16
Speaker 1: is still just retreated from social life in some ways
37:19
Speaker 1: because she's so hurt. And I get that right. So
37:23
Speaker 1: it's not about the prenup, it's about the people writing it.
37:27
Speaker 1: So you can have a situation where there is no
37:29
Speaker 1: prenup but the person's character is strong so that you
37:33
Speaker 1: don't need one, or you have a prenup because people
37:35
Speaker 1: are like, well, of course I don't want any it's
37:37
Speaker 1: not mine, and sure, so this is cool. Think about
37:40
Speaker 1: the situation with Kevin Costner recently where they had children
37:46
Speaker 1: and seemingly a great relationship and then they didn't and
37:48
Speaker 1: she went off, and it appears when I mean, I'm
37:51
Speaker 1: not saying Kevin Costner was a saint. I'm sure he
37:53
Speaker 1: was an interesting person, maybe hard to deal with, but
37:57
Speaker 1: it seems like both of them were full of drama.
38:00
Speaker 1: She went off and did her thing you fill in
38:01
Speaker 1: the blanks, and she started asking for a mint like
38:07
Speaker 1: day one, and the judge denied her, and he had
38:11
Speaker 1: and there was a prenup and the judge upheld it.
38:14
Speaker 1: I believe she still got a nice check, but it
38:17
Speaker 1: was a fraction of what she wanted every month and
38:19
Speaker 1: what she wanted in the end, and God don't like ugly,
38:21
Speaker 1: and it didn't turn out so nice for the people
38:23
Speaker 1: trying to manipulate him in that situation. But both of
38:26
Speaker 1: them are miserable now they're not. There's no winners in
38:28
Speaker 1: a divorce. It's a death right. So you can have
38:31
Speaker 1: all the money in the world, and instead doesn't guarantee
38:33
Speaker 1: you of being happy. So our marriage is bad. Contracts. No,
38:39
Speaker 1: they're wonderful. It's about bad people. So marriages, like money,
38:44
Speaker 1: like success, just amplifies who you really are already. If
38:48
Speaker 1: you're a good person, money success marriage just makes you
38:52
Speaker 1: a better person. If you're a bad person, you're a jerk.
38:55
Speaker 1: It just makes you a bigger jerk. Right. So you
39:00
Speaker 1: need to do is understand the origin story. I try
39:02
Speaker 1: to lay some of that out. I don't use notes
39:06
Speaker 1: when I do this stuff, so I'm just telling you,
39:08
Speaker 1: giving you a sense of where my head is. You know,
39:11
Speaker 1: on these topics. There's probably a dozen more examples of
39:15
Speaker 1: the origins of marriage. I gave you a European example.
39:18
Speaker 1: I gave you an Indian example. I gave you an
39:21
Speaker 1: Middle Eastern example. I gave you, you know, the Western example.
39:25
Speaker 1: You're living it. And I've told you about the millennial
39:28
Speaker 1: sort of approach to this, or the young people's approach
39:30
Speaker 1: to this, which is, I don't know, blinging approach to this,
39:33
Speaker 1: which is you know this almost in the moment only
39:37
Speaker 1: situation which you don't want to make a decision in
39:40
Speaker 1: an instant that creators your life forever, and you know,
39:46
Speaker 1: you get hooked up with the wrong person with ill intent,
39:50
Speaker 1: and it will follow you forever. I mean, there are
39:53
Speaker 1: people who will target you to hook up with you,
39:57
Speaker 1: to connect you with them for life through a child,
40:01
Speaker 1: and they don't love you, they love the situation. There
40:05
Speaker 1: was another podcaster I'd lot to give him credit. I
40:07
Speaker 1: can't remember his name at the moment, he was like,
40:09
Speaker 1: most relationships are conditional, is conditioned upon you know, do
40:15
Speaker 1: you fund me, do you sponsor me? Do you take something?
40:18
Speaker 1: And if you don't do that, then the contract's over.
40:20
Speaker 1: You know, you don't believe me. Look at what happens
40:23
Speaker 1: five years after an NFL player leaves the NFL. The
40:27
Speaker 1: contract's over. Look, don't trust me. The vast majority of marriages,
40:31
Speaker 1: the vast majority, end in divorce within five years of
40:35
Speaker 1: a professional NFL player or NBA player losing their job. Hello,
40:42
Speaker 1: so we could go on with this forever. I hope
40:44
Speaker 1: you found this valuable. I am a fan of relationships.
40:48
Speaker 1: I'm a fan of love. But love is work. Non
40:52
Speaker 1: love is laziness. Anti love is evil. Evil exists, but
40:55
Speaker 1: it's very rare. Most people are just lazy, financially lazy,
40:59
Speaker 1: spiritually lazy, intellectually lazy, emotionally lazy. They don't want to
41:03
Speaker 1: do the work. They want somebody to do it for them.
41:06
Speaker 1: And only in the dictionary does the success come before
41:08
Speaker 1: the word work because it's alphabetical. So love is work
41:13
Speaker 1: and I believe God is love. Yet that love is work,
41:16
Speaker 1: and I believe God is love. So why wouldn't if
41:20
Speaker 1: God separate man and woman as a spirit so that
41:22
Speaker 1: we might come together as a union to learn from
41:25
Speaker 1: each other. Because you don't grow except through constructive friction,
41:28
Speaker 1: then why wouldn't you want to be in a relationship,
41:32
Speaker 1: to have a union, to have a bond. But you
41:35
Speaker 1: need to make sure that when you connect with somebody,
41:39
Speaker 1: that person is a long term player. They're playing for
41:43
Speaker 1: the marathon, not the one hundred yard dash. They're playing
41:46
Speaker 1: for the long, long haul and not for the short sell.
41:49
Speaker 1: They are win win, not win lose. They are a
41:53
Speaker 1: giver and a giver, not a taker and a giver
41:56
Speaker 1: meaning you, because that will end badly. You want exotic.
42:01
Speaker 1: A giver and a giver is exotic. You want to
42:04
Speaker 1: thus go through the process of marriage counseling. If you
42:08
Speaker 1: have to talk to a pastor, if you have to
42:10
Speaker 1: talk to a marriage counsel, if you have to upset
42:13
Speaker 1: that twice because I want to emphasize it. Talk to yourself.
42:15
Speaker 1: Whatever decision you make emotionally is a bad decision. Hello,
42:19
Speaker 1: whatever decision you make purely emotionally is a bad decision.
42:23
Speaker 1: Just be thoughtful about it. And if somebody really loves you,
42:25
Speaker 1: then I are going to run away because you're not
42:26
Speaker 1: making a decision in this instant, or making a decision irrationally,
42:32
Speaker 1: or because you want to just simply protect what you've
42:34
Speaker 1: built your whole life and not put at risk. Because
42:37
Speaker 1: you have fallen in love with somebody, you think you
42:39
Speaker 1: have a un reasonable about it right and you would
42:42
Speaker 1: never want to hurt somebody you love. So if a
42:45
Speaker 1: relationship doesn't work out, you should want them to be
42:48
Speaker 1: good when you are done, particularly if they're raising your children.
42:53
Speaker 1: Why would you want to penalize somebody raising your children.
42:56
Speaker 1: You're penalizing your child. And please never use your children
42:58
Speaker 1: as ping pongs and negotiating points between relationships. And stop
43:02
Speaker 1: all this baby daddy and baby I'm not getting off
43:04
Speaker 1: way off script now, but stop all this baby daddy
43:07
Speaker 1: and baby mama stuff. Nobody no kid wants to think
43:09
Speaker 1: that they are baby daddy. Situation of mommy daddy I
43:13
Speaker 1: can't get this out of my mouth straight. I'm so
43:14
Speaker 1: frustrated about it. You want a mother and a father,
43:17
Speaker 1: you want parents? Hello? Can I get an amen? No
43:19
Speaker 1: baby daddy, No baby mama. I don't know what that
43:22
Speaker 1: is you want. This is my mother and this is
43:25
Speaker 1: my father. These are my parents, and they love me
43:28
Speaker 1: whole and complete. My mother told me she loved me
43:30
Speaker 1: when Eda Smith, God bless her, God rest her soul,
43:32
Speaker 1: and God bless her. So she told me every day,
43:35
Speaker 1: I love you. She told me, I love you every
43:37
Speaker 1: day of my life. There's nothing more powerful than a
43:40
Speaker 1: child being told they are loved by their parent. Nothing.
43:43
Speaker 1: So there's a difference between being broken being poor, being
43:46
Speaker 1: broken as economic being poor is a disabling frame of mind,
43:49
Speaker 1: a depressed condition of your spirit. IMA's vow never ever
43:52
Speaker 1: ever to be poor again. That is the ethos of
43:54
Speaker 1: Operation Hope to this very day. By the way, come
43:57
Speaker 1: to Operation Hope for counseling, for financial counseling as part
43:59
Speaker 1: of that marriage counseling at marriage at marriage planning process.
44:03
Speaker 1: Because you want to buy a home, you want to
44:04
Speaker 1: make investments, you want to build together. You want to
44:06
Speaker 1: build together. That's what you want to be that's what
44:08
Speaker 1: you want to do. You want to build together. You're
44:10
Speaker 1: not building together, and then what are you doing? You
44:12
Speaker 1: can be single and just date each other, like if
44:14
Speaker 1: you're not building something, what are you doing? You don't
44:17
Speaker 1: have to be marriages because you're madically attracted to somebody
44:20
Speaker 1: and that cannot be the only criteria. Can me get
44:23
Speaker 1: off my horse here? Start riding another one? An award
44:28
Speaker 1: this one out fan question. Samantha Soupei s a M
44:41
Speaker 1: T h E. Underscore s Upe from Instagram says, just
44:44
Speaker 1: move from Detroit to Chicago. Rental rates are crazy? How
44:47
Speaker 1: should I prep my budget carefully? Is the answer? Yeah,
44:53
Speaker 1: Detroit is going to have a lower cost of living
44:55
Speaker 1: than Chicago. Buy by far. The further you get away
44:58
Speaker 1: from the from the sin of Chicago, the further get
45:02
Speaker 1: away from the center of enterprise business activity, the cheaper
45:05
Speaker 1: the rental rates are going to be. Also, you want
45:07
Speaker 1: to think about maybe you had an your own apartment
45:10
Speaker 1: or your own house that you rented in Detroit, but
45:12
Speaker 1: when you get to Chicago, you may want to think
45:14
Speaker 1: about an apartment or an efficiency suite. You may want
45:17
Speaker 1: to have roommates, you may get a house and then
45:21
Speaker 1: and then get creative and do an airbnb situation on
45:25
Speaker 1: some of the rooms of the home, having somebody else
45:28
Speaker 1: to pay the bills for you. Similar to it's like
45:30
Speaker 1: the reverse of a roommate. Well it's actually the business
45:34
Speaker 1: version of a roommate. Go to operation hope they will
45:38
Speaker 1: help you create a budget. You don't want to spend
45:40
Speaker 1: more if you can than a thirty eree income on
45:43
Speaker 1: your housing. My father spent a half of our income
45:46
Speaker 1: on housing. So poor and struggling families sometimes because they
45:50
Speaker 1: have less complicated life. Sometimes it can work if you
45:54
Speaker 1: really are thoughtful about your bills to spend half of
45:57
Speaker 1: your income on housing. But you know, my family has
46:01
Speaker 1: a lot of other expenses, so housing cannot be the
46:04
Speaker 1: overwhelming expense. But a but when I was coming up,
46:08
Speaker 1: we were a lower income and housing was the most
46:11
Speaker 1: expensive thing we had in our house. And we didn't
46:14
Speaker 1: have multiple cars and all that stuff. We had a
46:16
Speaker 1: house and we had a car. So my father made
46:18
Speaker 1: that a work, but it was handed hand combat every month.
46:21
Speaker 1: So don't feel bad if you're just struggling here, but
46:25
Speaker 1: you need to trip pull every trick of the trade
46:27
Speaker 1: out of the toolbox, earn income tax credit. If you're
46:30
Speaker 1: making less than sixty thousand dollars a year, you got
46:32
Speaker 1: a check coming to you from the federal government. If
46:34
Speaker 1: you're living in Detroit and you're a teacher and you
46:37
Speaker 1: moved to Chicago and you make thirty eight thousand dollars
46:39
Speaker 1: a year, you're going to need to have be creative
46:41
Speaker 1: about housing. And if you have three children, when you've
46:44
Speaker 1: made that move, you're going to also be able to
46:46
Speaker 1: get a check back from the federal government of about
46:49
Speaker 1: sixty five hundred dollars. And if you never filed EITC,
46:52
Speaker 1: it's retroactive for three years, so there's now almost twenty
46:55
Speaker 1: thousand dollars as a starting point for your new life
46:58
Speaker 1: in Chicago. Go to Operation to Hope to explain how
47:01
Speaker 1: to do all of that for you, and good luck.
47:05
Speaker 1: This is John O'Brien. This is Money and Wealth. This
47:07
Speaker 1: was a firecracker of an episode. I'm sure you are
47:10
Speaker 1: many things at the moment, but you're on board. I'm out.
47:27
Speaker 1: Money and Wealth with John O'Brien is a production of
47:30
Speaker 1: the Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from the
47:33
Speaker 1: Black Effect Podcast Network, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
47:38
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows, tempt, depend
49:07
Speaker 1: depend