Latest / Jess Ask / Empowering Women & Communicating Offense | FT. KD Reid | EP63

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Empowering Women & Communicating Offense | FT. KD Reid | EP63 · Jess Ask

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Yo, it's your girl Jessica and Smith, and you already know that you've
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entered the safe space for influencers to decompress, have fun and just ask God
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for another day? Do you already know what it is? And then you
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know it's about to get real, so be sure to show your girl the
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love and like, come in and subscrabe God for another day. Hey,
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hey, I know we could be another way. Yeah, got things gonna
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be all right, come on, death right, be all right, be
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all right, be all right. I'm not to be all right. The
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Holy Goal, the Holy Gun told me everything's gonna be all right. The
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Holy Goal told me things gonna be all right, be all right, be
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all right, be all right. Hallowl you hallowlu thank you. Geez's up?
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Hogh bye bye bye bye bye bye bye, Get up, get up,
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listen, let me tell y'all song. First of all, welcome to
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Just Ask, the podcast where we create safe spaces for influences to decompress.
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Half of and just as it's your girl, Jessica Smith and baby Desil Ray.
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Hey desil raight, Hey dees al Ray does alay? That's all Ray,
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that's all right, that's alright, y'all. I know y'all was wondering
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what did y'all into into a safe space, the safe space to praise him
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obviously, because listen when I tell you we trying to record, and everything
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trying to keep us from doing it. Okay, but listen, let me
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tell you how the secret. The secret is the elevator broke the place.
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The place we are recording has an elevator, and we had to find stairs
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that we never found before. But God will always redirect you to get to
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the place he wants you to be a man. Baby. Let me tell
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you something. I learned a story. Every time some some go down,
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okay, every time something go down. And so the elevator, then the
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woman, and God, we almost we almost didn't get to store the almost
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gonna almost almost, but almost, don't count. Shout out to Brandy for
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that. And so now we are here recording, and y'all, we have
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a very special guest today, a very special guest. I met this woman.
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Uh let's see, I was in my twenty so it's probably been it's
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probably about six five six years ago, I think, I don't know,
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but don't put no time on it. But I've known her for a while,
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and I'm very proud and excited because she is a ball of surprise.
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If I if I had a definition for her, she is a ball of
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surprise. So I remember hearing her speak for the first time, and she
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shook me. She shook me to my core and I didn't know that was
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in her don't. So one thing you can't do is judge a book by
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its cover, because once what was in that book is rich and I'm telling
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you truth. So I am excited to have the author, the counselor,
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the friend, the mother, the wife, none other than miss Katie read
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welcome, Michael, uncle, Yeah, welcome, Welcome, welcome to the
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same face. How you feeling, girls, excited? I am, and
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I'm ready you ready, ready, you ready, you ready, listen.
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I want to say thank you, thank you back. And I didn't even
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realize you are counselor to the mutual person that we know said I've been going
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to I was like what, I didn't even I didn't even know, So
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I was like, it shook me. I just thought you was I heard
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entrepreneur. I thought you was outside entrepreneur. So I'm just so happy to
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have you in this space. KD and I want to say, first of
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all, I'm proud of you. Like I'm proud of you, I've seen
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you evolve and just girl, I'm trying to evolve as a single woman.
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And you got kids, you got a husband. How long y'all been married?
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Be nineteen years and two weeks? Wow? Did she just say nineteen?
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I'm thirty two nineteen and people get came stay stuck together for nineteen days?
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My god, my god? What's the what's the secret that kdd?
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I remember going through a really dark time where my husband probably should have left
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me because I was the problem. It was me. Oh oh oh,
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no, the problem, friend, It was me? And I asked him
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why did you stay? And he said only because God told me to.
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And so now when I tell people that my husband loved the hell out of
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me, it's literal, it's literal. You didn't you didn't say it.
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You didn't say it a lot just with that one statement. First of all,
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let's break this down. Let's go back to the fact, the fact
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that you admitted the problem that you would have problem. How did you come
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to that conclusion? I was honest with myself. When you get to the
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bottom and you have nowhere to look but up, and you're looking at God.
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God sometimes just shows you a mirror. And I realized I was the
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problem. I could blame circumstances. I could blame a lot of things,
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because we can justify a lot of things to us. Yeah, but the
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problem was me. It was me. That's that's so good that and for
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one that is healthy, that is healthy. And I find that, like
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I don't know, going through this this school, right, I find out
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that going through that process is learning. I'm relearning myself. And it's like,
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I know I'm the problem here, but how do I manage telling people
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like I know I'm not the problem there? Like I'm fighting that and I
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try to not look to prove I guess with the being a woman of many
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hats, but not the head of mother and wife yet, right, And
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so I can only imagine how hard that was for you to me, I
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ain't gonna lie like it. Sometimes it's not even a pride thing. It's
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just hard. It's just it's just hard to just face yourself. What's the
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hardest thing that you found being being a counselor in your profession and even being
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real with yourself. The reason why it's hard to face face yourself, I
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think because we don't see people do it. I didn't see anyone saying they
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were the problem. It was hard for me because by the time I realized
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that in certain situations I was the problem, I was already a counselor.
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So I was counselor by day and crazy as all get out by night.
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So that was hard to you know, like, that was hard. It
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was hard for me to acknowledge that I was still helping people, but I
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wasn't helping myself. I think it's easier for me to say, oh,
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Jess, because you're the problem, or she's the problem. This job is
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the problem of those kids. It's easy to say that, but at some
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point you have to ask yourself, what role am my plan? I may
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not be the whole problem, but it's obvious I'm playing some role because this
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is happening in every aspect of my life. So what role am I plan?
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And you don't have to be wrong? For example, I just told
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somebody the other day. You know, on our jobs, we may speak
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up, but then they put a target on our back. Right, Yeah,
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you may not be wrong in what you said. You may be wrong
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in how you said it, where you said it, the fact that you
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said it, that doesn't mean what you said was wrong. So the presentation,
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the presentation is sometimes often okay, so you you and my business right
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now, okad. And what we're not gonna do is we're not going therapy
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media day. We we just we just got out of not too long ago,
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what we did mental help made may she is not taking me back there.
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I didn't redeem praise the Lord. Okay, but no, that's that's
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that's so good as far as because I have been the type that's like,
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oh, well I said what I said, or you mad because I'm telling
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you the truth or whatever, And I've learned that learned that that was me,
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the anger, angry side of me, just because I was upset.
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Even though I might have been right, I still could have had the opportunity
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to say something different. But also, okay, we're gonna have a real
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moment. So what about the thought of Okay, let's say I'm doing relationship
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with you, whether it's friendship, like let's say me and Desiray, right,
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and I love desi Ray because she just hambles me differently like I So
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if I know I'm in the company of somebody that that's heart is pure,
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but I'm still mad at them, Like, how do you how do you
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navigate through knowing somebody and then balancing and having those conversations with Okay, I
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know who you are and I didn't like how this, how this happened?
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Like because soon as somebody say hey, you hurt me or whatever, there's
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a fence that rise up, and it's like, how do you manage manage
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through those type of situations. I think knowing someone's intentions helps, but intention
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doesn't always matter. So when you're talking to someone, you have to be
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mindful of the intention that you have, but also the impact that it's going
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to have on them. You gotta say that again, you be mindful of
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your intentions but also the impact that it's gonna have on them, Because my
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intention may be good, but if I know you, I can pretty much
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gauge what the impact is going to be on you. So it's three eyes,
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your intention, their impact, and then when you are communicating, to
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make an eye statement. So when you did this, I feel blank,
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Not you make me feel blank. Oh this is so good. When you
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said this, I felt you were, you know, putting me down not
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you always put me down. And what does the eye statement do? Like
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it gives them, it takes them off the defense, and you're taking responsibility
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for your feelings. Hold up, I think you just arrested me. You're
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taking responsibility. So if you say something that hurts me, I can't say,
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Jessica, you hurt my feelings because that may not be your intention.
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Like you said, that's gonna put that wall up. But if I say,
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Jessica, when you said this, I felt dismissed. I mean you
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can come in and say that wasn't my intention, but I understand the impact,
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and then we can figure out how to say it differently. What's coming
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up even when you're saying that being that, because you you balance many roles
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and I balance many roles, I think we can agree to something like things
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are always happening in the multiple roles, right, and you're being affected by
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something like all the time. And so when someone's going through something and being
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addressed, what's what's the skills that they need to make make sure that they're
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addressing what the problem is in that role and not bringing everything into into that
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one situation. That's a good question. I think it requires reflection and then
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what are your intentions when you go into this conversation. So I have to
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reflect on Okay, Justica made me upset today? But was it what she
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said? Was it because someone has said this before and she poked the tenders?
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Was this because my kids made me late? Like? What was it?
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You figured that out within yourself first, and be honest with yourself.
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The world always says you gotta be honest, you gotta be honest, you
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gotta be transparent, and I believe that. But what I believe is that
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you're honesty and transparency is a lot of time just with yourself. I don't
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have to stand on the stage and be honest and transparent because I need to
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be honest and transparent with the person in the mirror first. And so if
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I say, hey, I gotta go talk to Jessica about how she made
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me feel. If I'm honest, I could be okay. But she said
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it on the day that this was happening. This was happening, and this
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was happening. So what is the real thing, What is the one thing
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or what is the target issue? Separate everything else from it? So what
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does give me an example of how that like Let's say, if I'm the
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one that offended you, what way would you encourage the outside person to come
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come to somebody like me? So give give the people the example because we're
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gonna were gonna help the communication, because that's what it sounds like we're going,
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right. I think it depends on what is your relationship with them and
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what are your desires if I desire So we're in this age of people ghosting
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people and standing on business and that can be healthy, but that could also
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be unhealthy, right that, Yeah, yeah, So it depends on if
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I want to continue this friendship, then of course I need to say something
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because if I don't, those feelings don't go away. It's just push down
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and push down and push down till I'm in a middle of publics having a
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breakdown, right because somebody said something else and it triggered all these feelings.
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So if my intention is to if my goal is to keep the friendship,
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then I'm gonna come to you based off of your personality and based off of
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my personality. So I may be like, let me text her if we
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communicate best that way. If we don't communicate with other way, then I
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need to have a conversation. And again I'm gonna say, hey, Jessica,
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do you remember the other day? I need to give you a specific
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example because people don't like general statements like I know the way my mind works.
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I need a specific example so I can say, Hey, Justina,
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do you remember the other day when we were talking about X, Y and
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Z. I don't know if you know it, but I really felt hurt.
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And then that opens the conversation. But when I say I don't know
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if you know it, that lets you know that I don't think it's intentional.
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I just think it needs to be addressed. So I'm glad you said
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that part of the example. How do we make the given the examples in
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a healthy form, Like how do we narrate that? Because sometimes I know
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people I've been in a situations where it's like, oh, you're giving me
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the example, you're giving me an example, but you are it feels like
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a dagger and it's all this example, out of this example, out of
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this example, you ain't told me nothing, you haven't done anything, and
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it seemed like you you killed this grudge against me, And so how do
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we make it to where it doesn't seem like that? But it's done in
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a healthy manner, because it's like you power all these things on top of
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this situation, but now all of a sudden, now you mad and you
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want to start exposing stuff. So that's why you can't wait too long.
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You can't wait too long because if you wait, like say, if you
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don't say how I hurt you, but then one day I'm telling you how
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you hurt me, and it may have been yesterday the day before, then
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you're gonna be like, oh, well, while we're talking about it,
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you did this last month and last week. So I believe that you shouldn't
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wait too long because it does power up and then the other person feels blindsided.
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And if I feel blindsided, I've already should down because in my mind,
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like you said, well, this was last month and we've been carrying
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on since then you haven't said anything, so now my mind is overthinking all
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this time you've been thinking this, you know, So I don't think you
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should let too long pass by. Okay, I'm finna tell on myself,
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KTI. I of't finna tell on myself. Listen. They say it hits
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you first, I'm finna tell on myself. Listen. I'm trying to find
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it because I've been in situation. I'm in a current situation now where I'm
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like, I am I'm trying to talk and communicate, but then I am
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not. I feel like I'm not encouraged to continue the level of communication that
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I'm doing because I'm I'm like, hey, I'm doing I'm saying this or
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whatever, and it's not until like it gets to a heated moment, right,
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or a heated opportunity to where I'm finding out certain things, or it's
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like you always got something to say, you always and I'm just like,
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well, it's not that I'm trying to release it so that you can know.
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I'm trying to opposite because I used to just oh, okay, big
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you talk about ghosting and then don't let it be a woman. Oh babe,
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don't let don't let it be a woman. I ghost them like it's
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like like it ain't nothing, And so how would you how would you say
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that that? I I guess the other person receiving that. Do we do
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itself silent relationship? Yeah, that's probably it. Go ahead because I'm only
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gonna tell you so many times, you know, and if me communicating to
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you feels like I'm over communicating or I'm always saying something. Then they that's
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a them problem because what happened is they're not listening. They're hearing you,
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but they're not listening. They're not taking it in right. And so after
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I tell you over and over and over and you're shutting me down, at
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some point I have to evaluate are we on the same level of relationship?
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You know how Like I can be somebody's friend, but they're not my friend,
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So maybe you need to evaluate the relationship. Okay, I'm gonna take
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that, and I'm gonna do the home. Especially because you're in the season
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of elevation. Some of these people can't go with your friends. You're gonna
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say that on the recorder, okay, And there's a ray over here,
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amen, and with her head like this, it's hard. Friendships are hard.
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Friendships are harder than relatetionationships. And I think it's interesting you said women.
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When I moved back to Alabama in twenty fifteen, I didn't like women.
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Listen. I didn't like black women. I probably didn't like the black
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women in the mirror, but i't unpack that yet. But I didn't like
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black women because I had been mishandled so much by them? So how did
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And it's interesting and I'm glad we're getting into this. It's interesting. Did
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I just hear some o them mine? Y'all? I'll be hearing stuff,
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and you know there's a rate to get onto me. I'll be to missed
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something up, child, But it's interesting to me because we share something coming.
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So our target audience is about uh is a want? They're women,
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and most of them are in the age range between mine is about like mid
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mid twenties to mid mid forties. You it is about to that thirty mark
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to the mid forty mark. And so it's something about the coming the nominator
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of us. I didn't that. We said we didn't like women, and
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now we're called to women, Like what did you ever have a bucking moment?
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We got against that? Like how did you end up accepting your call
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in this area? So I've been a counselor for fifteen years, I've only
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been specifically called to women for seven, right, And like I said,
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I didn't like women. So when I realized that's the way I was going,
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I was like, oh, who as I supposed to get this message
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to because this just ain't for me. But what I realized is when I
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was at my darkest moment and I was depressed and no other woman was really
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talking about what I was struggling with, and I would ask them and they'd
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say, yeah, I dealt with that. I was angry again because they
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weren't talking about it. And it was in that moment I accepted the call
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because I vowed that not another woman that I had access to, or who
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that access to me, was suffer alone. That's so good, And so
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I can't I can't negate the fact that you probably haven't experience hurt from women
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even after the fact you accept your call. How did you manage that differently?
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Like what was the first way that you managed it? And then what
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what? How are you managing those those heartbreaks? Yeah? Oh god,
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definitely happened after the fact. For me, it happens a lot at work
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in different work environments. I try to see them differently, like what they've
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been through, what they what they're bringing with them, what they saw right,
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So a lot of them were mistreated by women, or a lot of
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them were isolated by women, or a lot of them were back back bit
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by women. Yeah, right, So I try to think of it that
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way. It's not easy, because the Lord, it ain't easy. So
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basically I'm about to try to use a big worry y'all. So so basically
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saying that, the word that's coming up in my head genuinely, it's the
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social economic I think, I think that's the word. I think how you
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say that? Social social economy? Yeah, like, I think that's the
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word where it's like your your background has or the things that you're a part
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of fixed your the the way you respond to respond to certain things. And
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so that's the word that's coming up, y'all. I try to use a
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big word, but it didn't work. Obviously, T won't do that again.
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Well, no, I really agree with that because I love my mom
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dearly, and at this point we we have we have we have freedom to
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talk about what we have come from because now, I mean, I love
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I love my mom so much and I know that she loves me. But
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it was a point of point in time where I didn't think that. I
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didn't think that, right. I think I'm probably only a couple of years
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in thinking that she actually likes me. If I if I can be transparent
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and so being called to women because I was like, God, are doing
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an open I don't want to do gender and notice the like that. But
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it's majority women. One reason I think is because women are just at that
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age they're so ready, Yes, like they're ready. They like, listen,
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something happens at that age. Listen. When I left to twenty five,
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you couldn't pay me to go back below it. When I got to
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thirty, you couldn't pay me to go back to my twenties. And now
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that I'm forty one eighteen, you couldn't pay me to go back like you
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just could not. I feel like at twenty five. I had my first
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child at twenty five twenty six, So really thirty is when my transformation changed.
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When I realized that I'm a person. I'm not just a mom and
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wife, Like I'm a whole person out here, you know. But even
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I think a lot of us, and I mean Black women have mother daughter
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stories, We have women's stories, you know. I think that there is
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a lot culturally that feeds into that. And that's a lot that we carry
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that goes unspoken until it's triggered by somebody. So basically, you're saying we
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bury it if we even know it's there. Yeah, yeah, that's so
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good. I think that is a good connected to your book. Make this
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a clip, make it a jail. If y'all can't see me on Apple
23:45
Spotify, I am slapping the book up in the air. It's called Beyond
23:49
Someone Something, a guide to self discovery for every woman trapped in labels.
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Let's get into this because yeah, I think the part where it says every
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woman's trapped in a self discovery for every woman's trapped in labels? So what's
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the heartbeat behind this? So when I started working with women, it was
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after a time where I felt like I had lost myself right, Like I
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knew how to be I was. I had one daughter at the time.
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I knew how to be her mom. I knew how to be his wife.
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I knew how to be an amazing employee. But I didn't really know
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who I was, and so my foundation wasn't steady, and so I broke
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right. And that's when I started talking to other women and saying, hey,
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did you deal with this? Because if you don't know, and this
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is why community is so important. If you don't know other people are dealing
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with something, you feel like you're broke, you feel like you're broken,
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you feel like you're the issue, right, And the title came from I
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was talking to a client one day about her identity, like, let's figure
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out who your what your identity is, And she said to me, she
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said, I don't know, like I have always been his fiance, his
25:00
wife, their mom, his daughter, and I've never I've never not been
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I've only been somebody something. And when she said it, I said,
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those are the words that go with this movement. I've only been someone something.
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And so what I'm understanding that these books helps me break away from someone
25:26
something and know that I am your own person. You are not just and
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I know you a PK just like me. Right, So you know,
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when you go to church, be like, oh, that's Ken's daughter,
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right, Or if you go out and about that's Kendall's sister, Oh yeah,
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or that's so and so's whatever. You know, But outside of those,
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who are you? Outside of the titles that we love, who are
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you? Because if those titles are stripped today, a lot of us don't
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know who we are a lot of us. If you if you meet somebody
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and say hey, who are you, They're gonna they're gonna livest off labels.
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I'm the manager here, I'm her mom, I'm his wife, and
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they're not gonna say who they are because sometimes they don't know who they are.
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Okay, so take me, take me down down this path because I
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don't know. I don't even know how to delierate. Do you know how
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to answer that, like without saying, oh, because I love hospital should
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go. I'm a licensed castologist, I'm a producer, I'm a photographer,
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I'm this, I'm there, and I'm now. I'm saying because I'm just
26:30
getting to the point where I'm comfortable with saying, Hey, I'm a podcaster.
26:36
I was gonna say I'm a meteorologist. Why I am not no meteorologist?
26:41
I am what am I? Goodness? A mediator? Not a mediator?
26:48
Well? I have been a moderator my dad. See, I can't
26:51
even think about it. I know what you're saying. We got she's a
26:53
moderator, y'all. Okay, I'm getting it together. But yeah, so
27:03
I'm finally getting to a place where i'm coming too agreement with that. But
27:07
what you're telling me is that what asking me is what I when am I
27:12
beyond it? And So those things are fine. Those things are amazing.
27:18
But who is Jessica? For give me an example, Katie? Like who
27:22
is kat So? Who is Katie? And this was very hard for me
27:25
when I first did it, because I'm never gonna do something ask someone to
27:29
do something that I haven't done. So I had to really dive deep and
27:32
say that she's caring, she's humble, she's successful, she's kind, she's
27:40
innovative. Mm and more and more and more and more and more and more.
27:48
Listen. So there is there is a chapter that basically you go this
27:55
versus that, right, and so I'm almost scared to read that's what That's
28:02
great. I don't have to ask you to read, Uh well, I
28:06
can't ask deliberate to read right now? She over there producers and educing.
28:10
Okay, I'm gonna ask you to read KD. It's the resilient versus strong
28:14
and I want us to get into that, okay. And that came about
28:17
because people always identify us as strong women. Yeah, women, and people
28:22
identify themselves as that, right. And what I realized is when people say
28:26
that, it's in the context of you shouldn't break, you can handle all
28:30
the trip before you start talking this good. Read the excerpt so I won't
28:36
miss up these words resilient versus strong. As women, especially African American women,
28:44
we are often labeled as strong. By definition, strong means able to
28:48
withstand great force or pressure. The unspoken connotation of being strong is that you
28:53
can handle any and everything someone brings your way. Being labeled as strong can
28:57
be exhausting and not allow you space to be weak or vulnerable at times,
29:03
often to your detriment. A better word would be resilient. By definition,
29:07
resilient means able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult situations, able to recoil
29:15
back into shape after stretching or being compressed. A resilient woman is a woman
29:21
who experiences the things of life and although she may be down at times,
29:26
she may need to pause, she may need to step away, she does
29:30
not break, and she will adapt. When she is able, she will
29:33
return back to herself. I think that's a powerful, a powerful exert and
29:40
the reason why, just like you were saying, we pride ourselves, especially
29:45
Black women, and this is man we pride ourselves on. I'm a strong
29:51
Black woman. I just said it. Today is like I don't need you
29:55
or I don't need this person or I don't need that person, like I
29:57
just I literally just said this this like even to the point where we get
30:03
to to get to say some of us have said I don't need a man,
30:07
I desire one. But it's like, oh no, I got goals
30:11
and I can't have these these goals like being a being a wife, I
30:15
need a man for that, Being a mother, I need I need a
30:19
man for that. Right. And so when you when you get to these
30:23
places and you get to these spaces of I'm so strong, I don't need
30:27
I think that might be a danger zone. I don't think. So let's
30:30
let's get into what think. So let's get into why we're like that.
30:36
And and another thing is how do we come from out of that? Okay,
30:41
we're like that because the culture we've in the in the past, women
30:45
black people as a community have had to be strong, right, they have
30:52
had to do all the things, they have had to show up in all
30:56
the places. They have had to not show weakness because weakness could tear down
31:03
their family or weakness could tear down their community. But we're not there anymore.
31:07
Right, We're at a place where we can choose different. We're at
31:11
a place now where we can choose different I'm big on women knowing they can
31:17
make a choice right and your choice. We could make the same choice.
31:22
It doesn't have to look the same. So I always tell women, you
31:23
can choose whatever hat you want to wear, wife, mom, sister,
31:27
brother, employee, entremur whatever hat. Our hats could be the same,
31:32
Like you and I are both entrepreneurs, but our journeys on our journeys look
31:34
different, right, So we can both have the same hat and it be
31:37
a different color. And then whenever that hat no longer serves you, you
31:41
don't have to keep it on. You can take it off. They didn't
31:45
have that privilege back then. We have a different life now. I'm so
31:51
glad. I'm so glad you said that. I'm so glad you said that
31:53
because I don't know who. I don't know who I was listening to.
31:57
Who I was talking to, I can't remember, but I was having a
32:01
conversation on the fact that the times are different, right, and it was
32:12
minister be Uncle. Shout out to minister be Uncle. Now she got me
32:15
going. She basically said, because we were talking about the church and we
32:19
negate the traditions of the church from back in the day, but it was
32:22
what worked for them, and God has just elevated us and called us to
32:28
a different space, right, And so we can't knock or the gate the
32:34
things that worked. And so how do we know how do we balance the
32:42
appreciation of needing to be what they were back in the day and then value
32:47
what we have now we can validate that that worked for them and honor the
32:52
fact that they have got us in this place where we can make a different
32:54
choice. So you were talking earlier about women, you know when they say
32:58
they don't need a man, And you know, one of the things I
33:00
really hate to sing on social media is when men say things like, why
33:04
can't you be like my grandmother? Why can't y'all be like big Mama used
33:07
to be? The reality is number one, we don't know if she was
33:09
happy. We don't know if she enjoyed her life. But what we know
33:15
is that's the life she had, right and she had to show up in
33:17
that way. She had to accept a lot of things from me and that
33:22
we're not doing. She had to give up a lot of her dreams if
33:28
she even had like that, they had to be strong back then, so
33:31
we're never taking that away from them. I honor them for that, and
33:35
I honor them that their strength got us to this point where we don't have
33:38
to be strong, we can be resilient. Right because if I say that
33:43
I'm strong, the connotation is that you're gonna put all this stuff on me.
33:46
You're not gonna respect my feelings because you believe, Oh, she's strong,
33:50
she can deal with all this. I'm not gonna check on her.
33:52
I'm going to expect her to continue to pour into me. You know,
33:57
we ain't got to check on just because she good. She got a podcast,
34:00
she don't need us, or I'm not gonna share her posts because she's
34:04
got other people that are shared. KD, KD, KD you about to
34:08
KD. Sometimes they just come up and out, you know, KD,
34:12
sorry because I'm not okay. So let's get into it. Since we're there,
34:16
Since we got time. We got time, deliray, we got time.
34:21
Because that's probably the most irritating thing, the most irritating thing. And
34:25
I've seen myself. Let me call my voice down, I've seen myself.
34:31
If y'all can't tell, I'm really passionate about that. That triggered me.
34:36
Not I'm not saying no, no, no, let me tell you.
34:37
I get it when they okay, okay, this, okay, let's start
34:47
this. This is not a rant, this is the truth. No,
34:50
this is true because there's some things that women deal with, right, So
34:55
we have to learn as women black, there's a lot of things we have
35:00
to unlearn and the like you said, this is not a rent, but
35:06
these are things that we deal with which add to us losing our identity because
35:10
if we placed our identity our validation and what other people do or don't do,
35:16
that can take us to a place of brokenness. Right. And so
35:20
I remember when they announced that she was gonna talk for my good auntie,
35:24
Hey auntie. The excitedness is that a word? The excitement? We can
35:30
just go today, though, But but I felt was so overwhelming from seventy
35:36
five miles away, right, And I had text my good friend you know
35:39
your sister, and I said, let's go in the prayer. Maybe I
35:43
don't know why I said, come my daddy to preach or not me,
35:45
but I felt it. I said, somebody is not happy. Somebody close
35:52
to her is nitpicking. Oh, she don't technically live in Birmingham be here
35:54
in her whole life. But you know, people nitpick. And what I
35:58
thought about in that moment was how oh, as women, we can be
36:01
up and people feel like that their actions against us don't matter because oh,
36:07
she's strong, she don't need me to share this one little post or she
36:10
oh now she up there with Mss Tabitha, she don't need me to support
36:15
her down here. And because she's strong, they feel like, sub consciously
36:19
I can say what I want to about it because she's strong, She's gonna
36:22
be okay. She got her little podcast, hell little podcast, she is
36:30
gonna be okay. But we have to be very mindful that people will if
36:38
you want the person you are at the place you are now, and who
36:42
knows what silent times and secret moments look like. But we could allow the
36:47
lack of support from people, the lack of care compassion, because people identify
36:53
us as strong and they feel like they don't have to show up for us
36:55
what we show up for them. But you know, it's no story.
36:58
We could allow that to break us. That's why you have to know who
37:01
you are, because once you know who you are and you're not just somebody
37:07
something, you can push through and be resilient. You can have that moment
37:15
of quiet where you're crying and sad and frustrated because you saw them share everybody
37:19
post with yours, you know, and people say it shouldn't be that deep.
37:22
It's not even about you sharing my posts. It's about but why because
37:27
I would for you. And so when you are beyond somewhat something you can't
37:31
you are, you gotta hold yourself to a higher standard. You can't expect
37:36
you from anybody else. And that's one of the hardest lessons I had to
37:39
learn. That's why I say friendships and associateships and all those things are harder
37:45
than relationships because as women, I love Black women now and I love them
37:51
then before you know, and I want it to be associated right, But
37:55
being associated with some people took a part of who I was because people will
38:01
discount you, and people will assume that you are a part of this group.
38:06
But what they didn't know, what I didn't know was I was beyond
38:08
that. Not in a I think I'm better than you, but I know
38:14
who I am now and I know whose I am, so I don't need
38:15
to be your something. I am beyond somebody something but that was a long,
38:22
hard road to travel, with many tears, many heart swallows, many
38:31
questions of why. Because when you don't do anything but pour into people and
38:37
people don't pour back into you, the feeling that you will feel until you
38:45
figure out who you are. If my friend doesn't pour into me the way
38:49
I pour into her and the way I see her pour into other people until
38:52
I know who I am, that breaks me. That breaks me. But
38:57
I want to say this to you and anyone else. Listen, God will
39:00
change your circle quickly, quickly. Because I read a post yesterday. Then
39:06
in October I felt the Holy Spirit all through my body and he says,
39:09
start your new year now, and I say it, I'm glad. I
39:13
said that a loud. I said, something is changing, right. I
39:16
was tired, something was changing. And now eight months later, to other
39:22
people, it looks like I'm the same, but I know it feels different.
39:25
Right, So you can find out who you are at this point,
39:30
and then later you find another people who you are here constantly growing. So
39:34
who I am now? The people God has in my circle now give to
39:38
me as much as I give to them. And for me that was difficult
39:44
to receive. To oh, my girl, girl girl. When I say
39:50
girl, askstis a ray No, Like we have this continual it's not a
39:57
problem. I think we've come to and agree. Maybe was not a bro
40:06
I'm like another situation. What I'm saying is like, I know it's more
40:09
so what's shots you too, Like we're not gonna like you, but like
40:14
just on the point of receiving. Yeah, now now now she said,
40:20
oh now she now she gets so the point of receiving because both of us
40:23
have been like I know my minds were relational, but hers is just like
40:29
how she grew up, like I gotta do this for myself because I don't
40:30
want to ask for anything. I was just didn't feel the openness to ask,
40:37
and then I felt like the only thing that I was good for was
40:38
giving mhm like and so meeting her in door a relationship with her, and
40:45
then some of my other friend like I got a good circle. Like now
40:47
some of my circle be making me upset me like you be so busy and
40:52
you bavid listen. But we've gotten to we've had the conversation and said,
40:58
all right, please don't say I'm say I'm busy. I know my account
41:00
is school, but if we go ahead and put some of my account,
41:04
I'll promise you I'm honor it. You know what I'm saying, like,
41:06
I'm gonna honor it. And so am I busy? Or are you not
41:07
respecting my time? Because you wasn't busy today? But that's because I had
41:15
already respected your time in book this time. So I'm not busy. I'm
41:21
just not always available. Don't let them people make you feel like you're busy.
41:29
See, sometimes being beyond someone something means being beyond their definition of you.
41:34
You outgrow people's definition of you because yes, you knew me then the
41:37
person. I can't say that here, Okay, Yes, we'll say it
41:42
after because I know where you're going. Okay, I mean, dang,
41:50
do you see my cut? Don't do that? Don't do that. I'm
41:59
gonna hold my hand right y'all do that? Oh you know how somebody you
42:07
know? Uh how I just knocked the heck out of that was a lead
42:13
point right there. Wow, we can't allow people to discount. It's just
42:15
how many times do I message you saying you make me feel so sing?
42:20
You have? Now? What if I said, oh, she can't tell
42:22
me nothing, she ain't married and ain't got no kids. She can't tell
42:24
me nothing. But you can't discount somebody. You can't have a definition of
42:28
somebody. That's so it's at least four times this year a long while I've
42:35
been like, did you just could to say this to me? She just
42:37
posted online It was red for me. So when you say that and think
42:45
thank you, because for one that people act like they don't need affirmation,
42:49
confirmation, my affirmation, comfort of law, my confirmation yet on my nurse.
42:57
Okay, Katie, that does a right, am I Lions, we
43:01
want everything from Jesus and don't want things that Jesus left on earth my God,
43:07
like they don't we too spiritual? They have earthly earthly help slipping thinking
43:12
that God doesn't use the do mean that we have here to gratify or solidify
43:16
things that we need. But anyway, that's a store for another day.
43:22
But the moments like that are so appreciated, like when you and it's a
43:28
a few other people that have reached out to me and said, man,
43:30
thank you, man, Please don't stop what you're doing because to be honest,
43:36
you was you was You had gripped my neck so good because I have
43:39
had moments you guys desert, I have moments like you know what it is?
43:44
This really it because not only am I doing a podcast, but I'm
43:47
going live on TikTok. I'm really trying. I'm really trying to live this
43:51
thing out like I believe God is trying to get me to do and it's
43:55
not easy. Like it's something that I never thought I would have done before.
44:00
And then to be ghosted by people that you thought there was to be
44:02
supportive of you the sharing, like you said, it's not about the sharing.
44:07
Why is everybody sharing but you? And I thought this was what you
44:12
were to me? Like I'm now I'm blindsided because it looks like I'm the
44:16
only one. You're the only one that benefited out this relationship because I gave.
44:21
I gave, Like, hell, don't hurt. We are human.
44:25
That hurts, That hurts, So how do I how do it? Because
44:30
we always want to provide a practical solution because I don't want to leave on
44:35
a note where it's like, oh she was connlain baby, baby, we're
44:39
gonna free the people and we're gonna free me free. I ain't lying,
44:45
so nobody, what steps would you encourage me to take as I go through
44:52
this path of not only self discovery, but I found out what I was
44:57
supposed to be doing and the support that I thought I had is not there.
45:01
Yeah, feel the feelings. Feel exactly what you feel. Allow yourself
45:08
to feel it right and not push it because we go through We will push
45:13
through feelings so fast because we feel like it's not that big a deal or
45:17
I shouldn't feel this way. Feelings aren't good or bad. They just are
45:21
what you feel based off of the experience. That's so feel the feelings right
45:25
and then have your moments privately, so like with your desert rays or with
45:30
your other friends or whoever you know, because you need to process what you
45:36
feel. You need to know your feelings are valid. Our feelings are valid.
45:43
They're valid, we can feel it and it's okay. And then be
45:46
open. Be open to This was something someone said to me and it didn't
45:51
make sense, but it makes a lot of sense. Now, be open
45:54
to your support coming from unknown places. Wow, unknown places. When I
46:00
get clients and they say I found you on Facebook and I've been following you,
46:04
the first thing I say is I'm glad I don't act the food on
46:06
Facebook that the first thing I say. And then I'm like, wow,
46:10
I had a book signing recently, and this will be two. I'll tell
46:15
you too. She choice just had a book sign in recent number one.
46:16
Let me tell how God will change your circle. I had a book signed
46:21
and I'm not big on events because that just you don't know who gonna come.
46:23
Yeah, that's the whole thing. And my friend was like, I
46:25
don't care. If it's me and you there, we're gonna celebrate, right.
46:29
And I said, I don't even know if I should pay for this
46:30
because if okay, you know how you get to your budget. If I
46:34
pay for this, I gotta sell this. Meeta da da. She was
46:37
like, check your cash out. I said, don't care. I'm all
46:40
about checking cash AUP. She had sent me the money to reserve the building
46:45
and pay the extra. It was an extra like fifty dollars I think for
46:47
the barista to be there. She had paid it. She has sent it
46:50
to me. Oh wow. And then she said go cry because she know
46:52
her friend. If she know her friend was gonna be on the floor,
46:55
she know her friend. Now, I would do that for somebody, but
47:00
to have that done for me, then she was like and then I need
47:04
you to give me ten books because I got to send it to a Yanla
47:06
and Oprah and named all these folks. Girl, not only does she say
47:09
it, it is done now. Oprah may never touch my book, but
47:14
that's okay. My friend bought it at full price and asked for discount and
47:17
sent it on over there, come on friend, right, And so we
47:21
went to the book signing and it may have been six people there, but
47:23
when I take it, the most amazing times, this same friend y'all showed
47:28
up with flowers and a cake, all kind of stuff. I was shocked.
47:35
Wow, But there was a lady there and to this day, justic,
47:37
I can't tell you who she was or where she knows me from.
47:40
She said she not on social media. I don't know where she was or
47:45
I don't know. But you have to be mindful and open that support will
47:49
come from outside places. That part I just met a young lady. Shout
47:53
out to Liz Speeds. I recently did an interview with her. I can't
47:58
wait for it to be scene. But she I've I met her on Instagram
48:04
and she started she started following, started following me, and I follow her
48:09
back, and I was like me and her kind of doing the same thing
48:12
as far as motivational speaking podcasts or whatever. She's in the music music scene
48:16
and her spirit. Man, it's like when I did the interview with her,
48:21
it was like talking to like somebody I knew for years. It was
48:23
like we dealt with She was like one of the things that she liked about
48:28
me the most and she appreciates me. About about me the most was that
48:31
I support her. And I was like, I support you. She was
48:34
like, girl, you be sharing my stuff, you be coming and you
48:36
be liking. She's like, some of my friends won't even bring up you
48:39
know, oh my gosh, I can't believe you went viral, or they
48:44
won't even bring it up. And the thing is, it is like,
48:45
yeah, I might know something, but do you see me or do you
48:51
are you too intimidated by what what's going on? Maybe she sad, can't
49:00
the little girl, it's raw. It's raw. We feel to wrap up
49:10
anyway, because go take that child to be here. She doesn't speak a
49:15
week with her grandma and my baby child. But she was so excited.
49:20
She has watched your pocket like we my kids watched stuff with me. What
49:23
and so she was so excited. Let me say, she asked me,
49:27
you're gonna be on that couch? I said, how you know, just
49:29
go get a couch. Oh wow, because my child watches what I watch
49:32
on tea song and she follows the people I follow. And so my child,
49:38
this is big. I mean to me, this bag y'all like,
49:42
I can't. I can't even start talking about Jesica and I start crying here.
49:44
But so this is big to her soul. She over there snooring,
49:47
not out today. Her mama is a celebrity. So I'm believing that desert
49:57
gonna work some magic and y'all ain't gonna here. But even if we keep
50:00
it wraw and real, that's why I said, somebody was like all of
50:04
us try like, but it's okay. Baby. When you when you see
50:15
this, just know that you you're, you're, you are mounted up for
50:19
greatness. The fact that she's in the atmosphere, and that's the thing about
50:22
being able to put your children to giving them the evidence that it can happen,
50:29
right, And so the fact that she's seeing you did do it,
50:31
that means she has the abilities and the and the push to go beyond where
50:36
you go. So I love when the kids. I'm not offending that she's
50:38
snoring, she's tired, that ain't got nothing to do with me, And
50:40
I want her to see black women getting along like you said, yeah,
50:44
lady, you just met, just met. Just we hold on too long
50:49
to friendships because of time. Other than time, What are you holding on
50:52
for if you can't identify three things other than time other than longevity, what
50:59
your whole known for her? Let it go? Is it easy? Is
51:01
it gonna feel good? No? But if you don't, this has always
51:06
happened to me. If you don't leave when you know you need to leave,
51:10
something will happen. And God's gonna make you so uncomfortable in that friendship
51:16
and you're gonna be like I should have left earlier. And He's going to
51:22
replace them with people that are going to exponentially push you to a place.
51:29
And then the people. Let me say the perfect example of this, Pastor
51:32
I don't care if people like Pastor Michael Now, yeah, it's nothing about
51:37
his story that doesn't speak to me. When he says it's hard. He
51:43
he gets sad often because people here in Birmingham don't support him some time,
51:46
but it's because they know. It's like people say, oh I started out
51:50
was Jessica. How she gets so much ahead because she's wild to throw this
51:53
red mic listen because she worked and she invested time, talent, money.
52:00
And the sad part is we want to bring them with us, but we
52:05
can't because that's not a lie. You can. It's just told me stop
52:13
trying to pull people to the mountaintop. And you ain't even got there yet.
52:15
The people that's supposed to come to you to the mountain top they are.
52:19
You don't have to pull them, they're pushing you. And the gag
52:22
is that this is the way I can get you there. That's that's the
52:25
sad part. This is I have a platform that I could put you on.
52:30
They want to be on your platform. They want to have the platform,
52:32
They want to do the work. They want you to set this up,
52:37
pay for this and move out the way and let them come and be
52:38
on the red mic. That's what they want. They don't understand. And
52:49
you know what else we struggle with and this might just be my business.
52:52
It might be able to don't imposter syndrome that you see how I tagged in
52:59
on the child, So we do need the validation, and it's not it's
53:04
affirmation. I realized that my love language outside of business is not words of
53:07
affirmation. My love language in business is words of affirmation. If I say
53:13
something to you, I mean it on a deep level of soone like I
53:15
need those words of affirmation in business because this entrepreneur journey is a roller coaster.
53:22
Yeah that I can't even explain. I don't care if you part time
53:25
full time one day. It's a You learn so much about yourself and other
53:30
people on this journey, so much about yourself and other people. If you
53:36
wrote a book today, if you were to start a podcast and you gave
53:39
it away, they're gonna read it. They don't want you to do that.
53:43
They want you to set this up and then leave, and then they
53:45
want to come up here and work with dissiray and you know they do that.
53:49
They won't. Well, I'm I'm gonna stop this because because we didn't,
53:57
we didn't hit an area that I thing we could talk to. So
54:00
I guess in this space even now, I think that the encouragement needs to
54:05
be women make room for the support and not this fake stuff that we see.
54:09
It's like, oh yeah, it's cute to dude, because this is
54:13
my sister. No no, no, no, like be supportive. I
54:15
don't need a camera to support There's a ray, got an event coming up
54:22
and more events that she's gonna be pushed out into. But we're gonna get
54:24
to that later. Do you think I'm not gonna be having no headset or
54:29
be right down paper or you know what I'm saying? Like it was like
54:34
and then I had to ask. It was so funny. I had to
54:36
ask us. She said me the information? I said, may I said,
54:39
may I help you with this? I had to answer. She was
54:46
like, I guess, okay, So we had to understand it, like
54:51
I'm asking you, but I'm kind of like telling you that I'm going to
54:53
show up and be aid right, let me know because this show, this
54:58
is your show. You you you number two here, I'm number two there.
55:01
I know when to be number two. I know. And then because
55:05
I had to learn how to be number one because I was too afraid of
55:07
it. But because I need number two, I need my number two for
55:10
covering. She ain't just produce this shit covering me, you know what I'm
55:14
saying. And then vice versa, Hey does it rad do you see this
55:16
little hell? Oh, I ain't realize that and then watch this. Being
55:20
number two puts you in a position to see things that you had never seen
55:23
before. I had never seen before, you have never seen before. I
55:28
do this well because I know how to be number two. That part just
55:31
as simple as that. I don't have to be number one all the time,
55:35
Like I cannot wait to like to serve certain people because I've already been
55:39
in dials. Hey, I know, I know you said I'm speaking here,
55:43
but how can I come serve beyond that? Because I get to see
55:45
something all the people don't get to see. You get to see it from
55:50
a whole difference. Stand with My favorite person that's number two is CJ.
55:54
Where he's with Eton. Oh, that's my coach. Listen. I said
56:00
it. It's just a lord saying I should just be a permanent number two.
56:02
But I learned so much from their dynamic. Yeah, not even the
56:07
content. I love their content, but just their dynamic. Oh man,
56:14
girl, we could go all day, but I want to say thank you
56:16
so much. KD. And since you watched the show, you know the
56:21
last question I asked is that if there's anything that was left unsaid. If
56:25
you had to leave, if they didn't hear anything that you said today,
56:30
what would you want to leave the viewers with. I want the people to
56:35
know that you can make any decision you desire, and when that decision no
56:40
longer serves you, you can make another decision. Okay, that just hit
56:50
me. Desiree looked at her again. Desireate, get your mic, say
56:55
what you need, say what you need to say in the mic that you
57:02
said, give your self permission to change your mind. Yeah, it's okay.
57:08
That was for me. Yeah, that was for me. Man KD.
57:13
I appreciate you for coming in. Man, I'm so proud of you
57:15
and I'm grateful to know who you is. Who are I'm proud of you.
57:22
Thank you, Thank you, y'all. Desiree, I love you.
57:25
I appreciate you. Ay, y'all. Like coming in subscribe, people ask
57:30
how they can support like coming in subscribe, that's free, it's free.
57:34
I appreciate y'all. I love y'all. But until next time, remember life
57:37
could be much more simple if you just asked thank you for tuning in to
57:47
this week's episode. Since you've made it this far, you might as well
57:52
connect with us on all social media platforms at the Jessica S. Smith.
57:57
I know I won't see you back until next week, but until then,
58:00
remember to love always yourself and always thank thank God for one another day.
58:09
Hey, Hey, I know we could be another way. Hey, pray
58:16
thank God for another day. Hey hey, I'm just thankful another day.
58:25
Hey Hey, another day? Oh, another day wise, another day to
58:30
get it right, another day to rise up, another day living, another
58:35
day we loved ones. I always remember hold it down for a ball one. Yepkay