Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 345: From Teenage Homelessness to Healing: The Story Behind Girlbomb: Guest Janice Erlbaum

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E 345: From Teenage Homelessness to Healing: The Story Behind Girlbomb: Guest Janice Erlbaum · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:00
  Okay Hello everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Adult Child of Dysfunction.
• 0:06
  Today we have with us Janice Erlbaum.
• 0:08
  She's the author of Girlbomb: A Halfway Homeless Memoir, and several other books she's written.
• 0:13
  So welcome, Janice.
• 0:14
  How are you today?
• 0:15
  I'm great.
• 0:16
  Thank you.
• 0:16
  Thank you for having me.
• 0:18
  Oh, yeah.
• 0:18
  Absolutely my pre- pleasure.
• 0:20
  I read a little bit about you, and what struck me right away was you said, "I was homeless as a teenager."
• 0:26
  And I was like, cha-ching, that's my girl.
• 0:28
  So we're just gonna jump right in, have a conversation, kinda talk about all of your stuff, and then your books, and all the good things in between.
• 0:36
  Sounds good.
• 0:36
  So talk about...
• 0:38
  Because I left my house at 16, ended, or 17, about 16 and a half or so, ended up going back.
• 0:44
  But what led you to leaving your house at 15 years old?
• 0:48
  I was living with my mom at the time, and, she was on her fourth husband.
• 0:54
  and this one was no good.
• 0:56
  I did not like this particular husband.
• 0:59
  I, had favorites and least favorites.
• 1:02
  but, he was unwell.
• 1:05
  he-- even as a 13-year-old when I met him, 14-year-old, I could really tell this was somebody who, had a deep streak of anger and, he was a real mystery to himself, Yeah.
• 1:20
  So he was very erratic, and sometimes this would be expressed violently.
• 1:25
  There was a lot of yelling.
• 1:26
  There was a lot of, throwing objects., so I refer to it as domestic violence.
• 1:32
  Yeah.
• 1:33
  though-- I personally wasn't hit.
• 1:36
  I decided to leave before that happened.
• 1:39
  I decided, I think I'm gonna get out now, because I don't like the way this is going.
• 1:44
  And she had actually separated from him briefly.
• 1:47
  and I told her, "Look, if you take him back this time, I'm gonna leave."
• 1:52
  And she said, "No," I'm not taking him back.
• 1:53
  I totally understand."
• 1:55
  we had gone through the thing with the cops, and changing the locks, and the order of protection, and then she took him back.
• 2:02
  So I left, that very night.
• 2:04
  As soon as she said he's coming back, I picked up my book bag and, got on the subway and went to a shelter in Times Square, New York.
• 2:13
  Oh, so you, you didn't have anywhere to go.
• 2:16
  You were like, "I'm leaving regardless."
• 2:18
  yeah.
• 2:18
  I made one stop on the way to the subway, which was to call my, at the time, best friend Karina, and say, "Hey, I left home."
• 2:26
  And, she was like, "Wow, that really sucks for you."
• 2:29
  So I was like, okay, not going to Karina's house.
• 2:32
  but yeah, no I didn't.
• 2:33
  my father, who was my mother's husband number two- was also a guy who yelled a lot, who threw things, who, terrorized.
• 2:42
  But then when I got to the shelter, I felt very much like I had no right to be there because I was slapped, but I was never hit with a fist, other girls that I met living at Covenant
• 2:56
  House had experienced so much more abuse than I had, and, I wondered sometimes, was I just weak?
• 3:06
  Should I have put up with it?
• 3:08
  But, it- I do feel like it was the right decision for me.
• 3:11
  Even though it was a snap decision I must have known that something was gonna happen soon, because I did have this place, Covenant House, in mind that I had heard of, and I, I knew there was a hotline
• 3:22
  that I could call.
• 3:23
  So yeah, it really was, from one hour to the next.
• 3:28
  and I can say kudos to you, because I talk about all the time how we just stop listening to our intuition, and if your intuition told you as a 15-year-old, "I gotta get out," then you gotta get out.
• 3:40
  yeah.
• 3:40
  how many of those people in that home that it got too escalated to the point where they were being beaten and- yeah and abused in every way, shape, or form.
• 3:49
  yeah.
• 3:50
  I'm sure they probably had some inklings and some you gotta get out before that, but- yeah sometimes we wait until it's too late, oh, that's a tough one, though, because I can understand the kind of that comparison trap
• 4:01
  of- yeah I didn't have it so bad.
• 4:03
  What am I doing?
• 4:04
  But I tell people, and I tell them with everything, trauma does not have to be a big T.
• 4:10
  just it doesn't have to be that physically being beaten down.
• 4:14
  I remember somebody asked me one time, as a child, would I have rather been hit or ignored?
• 4:20
  And I said, "I'd rather have been hit any time."
• 4:23
  Yeah.
• 4:23
  Because at least I knew I existed.
• 4:25
  yeah.
• 4:26
  So- That's a big one yeah, there's all kinds of levels.
• 4:29
  So how did you survive that?
• 4:30
  Like, how did you, how long did you stay there?
• 4:33
  What- so I stayed at Covenant House, which is, the largest provider of beds for homeless youth, in the world, I think.
• 4:42
  as one organization, they...
• 4:44
  I, s- state level government, federal government does not really have, an allocation for homeless youth.
• 4:55
  Covenant House started as one guy letting street kids sleep on his floor- and is now in most countries around the world.
• 5:04
  And anyway, they, at the time, they were allowing kids younger than 18 to stay.
• 5:11
  These days, if you're under 18, w- you're in foster care or you're home within 72 hours.
• 5:18
  But I was at Covenant House for two months.
• 5:21
  then I was, in a group home for about a year.
• 5:24
  and that was, a more stable environment, but only by this much.
• 5:32
  yeah, I think, first of all, I survived because I didn't spend a single night on the street, and what I've learned is that spending even one night on the street vastly increases your chances of ending up in systemic
• 5:47
  homelessness.
• 5:48
  especially for kids.
• 5:49
  even one night on the street tends to lead to another night on the street.
• 5:54
  Yeah.
• 5:54
  And that's the way it goes.
• 5:55
  I feel extremely fortunate that I went right to a shelter.
• 6:00
  And be- because I was the only white girl there at the time, I got preferential treatment.
• 6:07
  this was the 1980s, and, there w- there, there was more racism baked in to everyday life.
• 6:17
  I definitely received, special treatment.
• 6:20
  and I don't think I was fully aware of it at the time, but I'll tell you, my roommates were fully aware of it.
• 6:28
  so that meant that I was, a little bit protected, that, I got sent to a very nice group home.
• 6:37
  That I was able to stay in the public high school where I was already enrolled.
• 6:43
  and even though it was an overcrowded New York City public high school, there were some teachers there who cared.
• 6:53
  Yeah.
• 6:54
  They cared.
• 6:55
  And that makes all the difference.
• 6:56
  It made a huge difference, yeah.
• 6:59
  Yeah.
• 6:59
  just in terms of like I, I was in the, theater program, because the teacher really worked to keep me in it.
• 7:09
  And, just in terms of keeping, literally keeping me off the streets for a couple of hours after school.
• 7:16
  Yeah.
• 7:16
  that's the difference.
• 7:17
  The difference was that particular day I spent three extra hours in the auditorium that I wasn't getting into trouble.
• 7:26
  Yep.
• 7:27
  So I think that, that really, the special treatment that I got and, some really wonderful teachers helped me get through that.
• 7:37
  when I look back about it now and people always say to me, "What would you have done differently?"
• 7:42
  And I'm like, the only thing I would have known to do differently is I would have told somebody what was going on in my world.
• 7:48
  Right.
• 7:48
  Because I...
• 7:49
  That, that's really the only thing.
• 7:50
  So you going to a shelter, it's okay, that, you are now...
• 7:54
  it's known what's going on in the world.
• 7:56
  you, there's no secrets.
• 7:57
  Yes.
• 7:57
  So you do have that opportunity for someone to reach out and to support you, where I went and rented a room from the dad of one of the boys I went to high school with.
• 8:07
  So I lived on the, his third story and paid $80 a week while I was in high school for rent.
• 8:12
  Wow.
• 8:13
  That's so resourceful.
• 8:13
  But nobody ever questioned it.
• 8:15
  Nobody really ever even knew.
• 8:17
  So Different times, right?
• 8:20
  I mean- Different, totally.
• 8:21
  Yeah, totally different times.
• 8:23
  And I remember them calling my dad and saying, "Tammy hasn't been in school for five days," and he's, and he had two questions: what are her grades, which were great, and then sh- you know, "I don't know where
• 8:34
  she lives.
• 8:34
  If you find out, let me know."
• 8:36
  Those were literally my father's two questions.
• 8:38
  And it was...
• 8:40
  But because my grades were good, he's "Just leave her alone.
• 8:43
  Let her graduate.
• 8:44
  She's been through a lot."
• 8:45
  he knew, He was, my dad was actually, both of my parents were drinkers.
• 8:50
  Both of them were alcoholics.
• 8:51
  I always say my mom was like your more volatile, abusive, neglectful, vicious, all kinds of mental health issues.
• 9:00
  my dad was just the one that wasn't emotionally available to help me.
• 9:04
  Sounds Yeah.
• 9:05
  Yeah.
• 9:05
  he, and he told me when I was 13, he said, "Tammy, we are doing irreparable damage to you, and I don't know how to help you."
• 9:12
  Oh, wow.
• 9:12
  And he sent me to one Alateen meeting.
• 9:15
  He did, and he was the alcoholic, but it was never discussed that he was an alcoholic.
• 9:19
  It was all about my mom, But it, it was just a crazy situation.
• 9:22
  But for the people out there listening, if you know somebody, if you know a child that is going through that, try to get them to just, to reach out, to speak up, because I wish I had.
• 9:34
  people ask me now, I was the bad kid at school.
• 9:37
  I was the lazy one.
• 9:38
  I was the one that didn't wanna learn.
• 9:40
  And I think about it now, and I'm like, I had 51 different teachers throughout my grades.
• 9:45
  Wow.
• 9:46
  No one ever asked me why I slept on the desk.
• 9:49
  Because at that point in my life, at some point in those s- 13 years or 12 years, I might have said because it's the only place I sleep with both eyes closed.
• 9:58
  Right.
• 9:58
  And that might have been like, ooh, red flag, but- Yeah I don't even know then.
• 10:01
  They, like I said, it's different times.
• 10:03
  Yeah.
• 10:04
  And, my mom was a child psychiatrist.
• 10:06
  Yeah.
• 10:07
  So nobody would have ever questioned that.
• 10:09
  So I say, I was literally manipulated by the absolute best.
• 10:13
  Yes.
• 10:14
  Yes.
• 10:15
  It's, boy, do we have a lot in common.
• 10:17
  I too was the bad girl at school, and yet, like you, my grades were very good.
• 10:22
  'cause you had to be.
• 10:22
  Yeah.
• 10:23
  Probably 'cause you, I was afraid to bring home grades that weren't good.
• 10:26
  Yeah.
• 10:27
  Yeah.
• 10:28
  And I was going to, again, an underfunded New York City public school, it was easy to coast.
• 10:35
  It was- Yeah It, I liked to read books, so that made high school somewhat easier for me.
• 10:41
  But, yeah, I admired, I admi- I admire what you did, and that was really what I had hoped for, was that I would, at 16 or 17, be able to have my own place, even if it was a
• 10:55
  room in somebody else's house.
• 10:56
  That's really what I wanted to do.
• 10:58
  but then, I was in the system.
• 11:02
  By going to Covenant House, I was, I had become a ward of the state- briefly.
• 11:07
  And then the, group home was in loco parentis, as they say, which is a phrase that I really like.
• 11:14
  Loco parentis, meaning in place of the parents, but, also meaning your parents are loco.
• 11:20
  I love that.
• 11:20
  But, yeah, I know.
• 11:21
  it's, it's just perfect.
• 11:22
  so I really did want to become much more independent, but I had sort of signed myself up now n- not to be that way.
• 11:31
  At the same time, I'm sure that being independent at 16 was not easy.
• 11:36
  I mean, at least I ha- I, I fought against the counselors and everybody at the group home, and I tried to break every rule and manipulate everybody, but you know what?
• 11:46
  They were there to do things like tell me to go to the frigging doctor, you know?
• 11:51
  Right.
• 11:52
  Go to the doctor.
• 11:53
  Right.
• 11:54
  That was...
• 11:55
  At least I had that, and, uh, whereas you, you were really navigating all on your own.
• 12:00
  Yeah, and I feel like, like you said, one night on the streets homeless leads a teenager to so many different things, being trafficked, having babies, getting into drugs.
• 12:09
  Like, there's all those other things.
• 12:10
  So I, I mean, I just kudos to you.
• 12:12
  I could just, I'll say it a million times, kudos to you.
• 12:15
  Yeah.
• 12:15
  It does.
• 12:15
  Okay.
• 12:15
  Um, but talk about, you still, you still had your run-in with all those other things.
• 12:22
  Yes.
• 12:23
  Oh, yeah, yeah, and I kept running into them even after I was able to, uh, reconcile with my mom.
• 12:32
  She finally got rid of husband number four.
• 12:35
  Uh, she was on psych meds for a little while.
• 12:38
  She had sort of calmed down, and as soon as I thought, "Okay, I can trust this," I went home.
• 12:47
  Um, but she was kind of out of it, and I was suddenly had more freedom.
• 12:53
  So as soon as I was logistically out of trouble, I put myself immediately in harm's way.
• 13:02
  Right.
• 13:02
  Just immediately like, "Let's go to the hard drugs now."
• 13:05
  Right.
• 13:05
  "Let's, let's get serious about self-destruction now."
• 13:10
  Um, and- That lasted until I was about 24, 25.
• 13:18
  Um- So about seven or eight years?
• 13:20
  Yeah, yeah.
• 13:21
  Yeah.
• 13:21
  Like, real constant chaos, you know, suicidal ideation, self-harm, addiction, like, co-dependence, all the things, all the things.
• 13:33
  Um, and it re- it really was, uh, um...
• 13:38
  A- again, I was, I was home now.
• 13:41
  I had my own apartment by this point.
• 13:43
  I had a, a lock on my door that was mine, right?
• 13:47
  Right.
• 13:48
  You know, every, every...
• 13:48
  Like, at the end of the book, it ends with me moving into my own apartment and everything is great.
• 13:55
  Um, no.
• 13:58
  I, I, I had a home, but I had no center.
• 14:02
  Yeah.
• 14:02
  I had no sense of home.
• 14:05
  So the- I was gonna say, so no sense of self, no sense of...
• 14:07
  I mean, you weren't, you never were a kid, first of all, so you had to start- Right like, you wish you probably could have gone back and started that.
• 14:14
  Like, "Okay, let me start over when I'm nine.
• 14:16
  Let me see if I can do this right."
• 14:17
  Uh-huh.
• 14:18
  Yeah.
• 14:18
  But it makes...
• 14:18
  I mean, a- and it's...
• 14:21
  Hopefully by now I, I, you s- I see that you did all kinds of therapies.
• 14:24
  You did EMDR.
• 14:25
  Yes.
• 14:25
  You did- Yep talk therapy.
• 14:28
  Yep, yep.
• 14:29
  Hypnotism.
• 14:30
  You know.
• 14:30
  Acupuncture, hypnotherapy, which was life-changing for me.
• 14:33
  I mean, of course long-term talk therapy was really the thing that did it.
• 14:38
  Like I said, I don't...
• 14:39
  Now that you've done all these modalities and all these therapies- Yeah obviously you understand why you did what you did, and you turned to the drugs.
• 14:47
  And, and it's...
• 14:48
  I tell people it's not to be judged.
• 14:51
  It's not.
• 14:51
  It's what you can expect.
• 14:53
  I gave myself a word one day, and it was so funny.
• 14:56
  I was on a podcast.
• 14:57
  You know how everything has an acronym?
• 14:59
  Like, there's EMDR- Yes, yes, yes and there's ACOD- Yep, yep and there's all this stuff, right?
• 15:02
  So I was like, "I'm a POACDO."
• 15:04
  And someone's like- "What the hell is a POACDO?"
• 15:07
  I'm like, "I'm a product of a completely dysfunctional upbringing.
• 15:11
  So I'm exactly...
• 15:12
  What you are looking at is exactly what could be expected given my circumstances.
• 15:18
  Now, what I do with that makes the difference."
• 15:22
  Yeah.
• 15:23
  And I, I tell people, and I try to...
• 15:25
  This is my big message, is it might have designed me, like it might have made me how I'm look- appearing, but it didn't define me.
• 15:32
  And only you can define.
• 15:34
  Like, only I can do that.
• 15:35
  Mm-hmm.
• 15:35
  Yeah.
• 15:36
  So yeah, it's gonna change the way you show up in the world- Absolutely until you become aware of every single change that it made, and then you deal with them one at a time.
• 15:46
  But so talk about- Yeah, I was like a chaos agent.
• 15:49
  I was just I was a- What?
• 15:52
  I was, I was just a chaos agent, you know?
• 15:54
  Mm-hmm.
• 15:54
  And I look back, and I, I see not only the self-harm but the harm that I did to others.
• 16:00
  And, you know, when I go speak at high schools or whatever, um, I'm asked, "Do you have any regrets?"
• 16:07
  And the kids want me to say, "No, I have no regrets," because it made me who I am today.
• 16:12
  And it's like, yeah, I completely regret all of the damage that I did to myself and to other people.
• 16:19
  If I had another chance, I wouldn't do it.
• 16:22
  Right.
• 16:23
  But at the same time, do I spend my life beating myself up about it?
• 16:27
  Right.
• 16:27
  No, because then you haven't healed.
• 16:29
  Right.
• 16:30
  Right.
• 16:30
  You- Yeah there's forgiveness for the people that got you to the situation, and there's forgiveness for yourself in how you reacted to the situation, even though you didn't...
• 16:39
  To me, like, I look at it, like, people say to me, "Well," when I went through AA, let's say, and I went through the 12 steps, and you get to that forgiveness and making amends.
• 16:48
  Yeah.
• 16:48
  And people were like, "Or, well, who are you gonna make amends to?"
• 16:51
  And I was like, "Well, first of all, I'm not making amends to the grocery store that I stole all the food out of when I couldn't feed myself."
• 16:57
  Like, no, I'm not calling them up and being like, "Okay, I stole food for five months because my mother wasn't feeding me."
• 17:03
  Yeah.
• 17:03
  Like, th- there's certain things, but yeah, that forgiveness for yourself has got to come at some point.
• 17:09
  Yeah, yeah.
• 17:10
  And you know, mid-50s, I'm still working on it.
• 17:13
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:13
  I'm still really, really working on it.
• 17:16
  I'm still in, still in talk therapy.
• 17:18
  I mean, uh, and, and there's a lot of privilege that comes with that.
• 17:23
  I mean, if I sat down and calculated over the years how much money I have spent on talk therapy, um, I, I, there's a reason why I haven't done that.
• 17:35
  It, there's a reason why I haven't added it all up.
• 17:37
  Um, but boy, oh boy, is life beautiful these days.
• 17:42
  I mean- Right the epilogue of the book just could not be happier.
• 17:47
  Um, from entering real therapy at 25, meeting my now husband at 32, writing my first book at 34, you know, these things, um, each of them was a new achievement, a new step in self-forgiveness.
• 18:08
  I mean, writing the book was very helpful because there was a lot of stuff that I wanted to acknowledge that- Right I wanted to say, "I did this, and I'm not bragging."
• 18:25
  I'm not bragging.
• 18:26
  No, but at the same time- But I, you know your story is helping other people because your story is showing that you can do things, and then you can still move on and have a better life.
• 18:37
  I don't know how many people I've interviewed for my podcast that spent years in prison for just making bad mistakes from a, from reacting to a circumstance that they had no control over.
• 18:48
  Right.
• 18:48
  So that's like, yeah, they m- you make mistakes, but you can still continue to have a good life after that.
• 18:55
  Yes.
• 18:55
  And that's...
• 18:56
  And I love that you did it with writing, because I think that is one of the most...
• 19:00
  Writing, podcasting, speaking- Yes first of all, it's a physical release.
• 19:05
  Yes.
• 19:05
  It's- Yes, it is it's getting it out of your body, and- Out of your body, yes.
• 19:09
  Exactly out of your body.
• 19:10
  And I know, like, the EMDR and, and all the hypnotherapy and all this stuff, it- it's all amazing.
• 19:16
  I know my big transformation started coming when I started doing somatic exercises and became- Mm a neuro fit trainer to work with the nervous system.
• 19:26
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:27
  That was really when my big...
• 19:29
  'Cause I d- I, I still go to a talk therapist, but it wasn't quite, like, I was like, "There's something missing."
• 19:35
  Yes, yes.
• 19:36
  And it wasn't until someone told me one day, like, "Tammy, if you're mad, freaking shake.
• 19:41
  Just shake your body.
• 19:42
  Animals do it."
• 19:43
  And that was, like, the first introduction I got to somatics and movement.
• 19:47
  Yeah.
• 19:48
  That, to, to this day, you know, when, when all my clients, when they say, "Tammy, I woke up at 2:00 in the morning," and I'm like, "And what did you start thinking about?"
• 19:57
  And they're, they would start telling me, and I would listen to the spiral of- Yeah how- Yeah and then I'm like, "Well, then..."
• 20:04
  G- And my comment is always, "Get out of your mind and into your body."
• 20:08
  Yeah, yeah.
• 20:08
  And as soon as you start doing that, like, that was m- made the biggest change for me.
• 20:13
  What would you say was the biggest, um...
• 20:16
  I know you said tran- the talk therapy was really s- Yeah, yeah incredible.
• 20:21
  Um, you know, I...
• 20:23
  It, it's interesting.
• 20:24
  I, I was not, um, connected to myself somatically.
• 20:29
  It was all intellectual and emotional, and I carried a lot of emotion here, um, trauma here.
• 20:37
  Uh, but, um, yeah, it was all very, very intellectual.
• 20:41
  Uh, physically, one of the things that really helped, both acupuncture and Rolfing, I had very transformative experiences in an hour.
• 20:57
  In each case, um, uh, while receiving the treatment, I had intense vasovagal reactions.
• 21:06
  Talk about shaking.
• 21:07
  Yeah.
• 21:08
  So much came out And it was...
• 21:13
  I had no idea that it was in there.
• 21:16
  So both of those were incredibly powerful.
• 21:22
  I mean, with acupuncture, I, uh, experienced an intense sense of grief for all of the physical suffering I had put my- put myself through.
• 21:35
  Right.
• 21:35
  You know, with drugs, with sex, in all kinds of intimate scenarios, that I had let myself down, that I had not protected myself, and I...
• 21:47
  This tremendous amount of grief came up And was dispelled.
• 21:54
  Like, I had no idea.
• 21:57
  I, I had headaches.
• 21:58
  I thought I was gonna go in, maybe it would help, maybe it wouldn't help.
• 22:01
  I had no idea that I was- Mm gonna walk out of there with a much better understanding of what I'd been carrying.
• 22:10
  I mean, so Rolfing almost, almost the same thing.
• 22:14
  Yeah.
• 22:14
  You know?
• 22:15
  It was intense, intense- Explain Rolfing to the audience if they've never heard of it.
• 22:19
  Um, Rolfing is, is a form of massage.
• 22:22
  It's a very intense massage.
• 22:24
  Rather than treating the muscles, it treats the fascia, which attach the muscle to the bone.
• 22:30
  So, um, it can feel very painful, and yet what it's doing is releasing all of this very, very, very tight, uh, parts of your body, and what comes out is, is, is lifted, is out, is gone.
• 22:54
  Um, so it's not, it's not fun.
• 22:58
  It's not a massage.
• 22:59
  Right.
• 22:59
  But boy, oh, boy, just incredible.
• 23:04
  And, and EMDR too.
• 23:06
  Yeah.
• 23:06
  Uh, I had four sessions, and I felt better every time I left.
• 23:14
  I felt better.
• 23:16
  So I'm just so grateful that these things exist.
• 23:20
  I'm, uh, and there's- You know- Yeah.
• 23:22
  Ugh.
• 23:23
  Yeah, there's so many modalities now.
• 23:24
  For those of you listening that have never heard of EMDR, it's very, it seems like a very simple process, but obviously there's trained practitioners that t- h- show you through the process, but it's literally r- rapid eye movement
• 23:37
  desat- desensitiz- z- blah.
• 23:39
  Yeah.
• 23:39
  I can never say that.
• 23:40
  Me neither.
• 23:41
  Desensitization.
• 23:44
  But anyway, you're literally looking back and forth.
• 23:46
  I've seen it done with light, and I've seen...
• 23:48
  And, and it's just, it's switching up your brain.
• 23:51
  It's moving, you know, moving things through.
• 23:53
  But that was, uh, it, it was incredible.
• 23:56
  It definitely was an incredible experience.
• 23:58
  And so f- the people out there listening, you've now heard the Rolfing, you've heard the EMDR, you've heard the talk therapy, you've heard the hypno- hypnotism.
• 24:06
  Yeah.
• 24:06
  There is so many different modalities that explore.
• 24:10
  Yeah.
• 24:11
  I, I used to say I was, I was like a crazy woman throwing shit at the wall, like spaghetti at the wall, and waiting- Yeah for something to stick, and it would fall off the wall, and I'd go,
• 24:18
  "Oop, I don't like that one."
• 24:19
  Right.
• 24:20
  Right.
• 24:20
  Um, but you have to.
• 24:22
  Yeah.
• 24:22
  You have to.
• 24:23
  Yeah.
• 24:23
  Because- What, I, I mean, Janice and I could get on this podcast right here and tell you, "Oh, this is gonna work."
• 24:30
  We don't know what's gonna work for you.
• 24:32
  Right.
• 24:32
  Everybody's different.
• 24:33
  Right, right.
• 24:34
  Yeah, yeah.
• 24:35
  I know.
• 24:35
  I wish, I honestly, I do, I wish that I could guarantee some of the results that I've had.
• 24:41
  Um, but, uh, things that have worked for other people didn't work for me.
• 24:45
  Cognitive behavioral therapy didn't work for me.
• 24:48
  Um, you know, I was, uh, I, I fulfilled all of the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder, which I didn't know at the time.
• 24:59
  I didn't know that there were other people suffering the same self-loathing and self-sabotaging syndrome that I was caught in.
• 25:09
  Um, and you know, I, I never heard of the dialectical behavioral therapy that s- treats, that's be- being used to treat BPD.
• 25:20
  So, um, yeah, modalities have been invented Mm-hmm s- in the, in the past 30, 40 years that- Yeah uh, could've been helpful at the time.
• 25:30
  Um, but, but- It's amazing.
• 25:32
  I should let you do...
• 25:32
  I have actually a, a, one of the newest, well, not newest ones, newest to me, is a, an AO BioFrequency Voice Scan that analyzes, like, 171,000 different frequency imbalances in your body, and then sends you, like, balancing harmonics
• 25:49
  to kind of rebalance them.
• 25:50
  Wow.
• 25:51
  So it's very fun.
• 25:52
  It's, it's the entranceway into my coaching because it's, I can ask you 40 questions and know exactly what's going on in your body.
• 26:01
  Mm-hmm.
• 26:01
  But this is kind of like a tangible, when you put it in and it runs a summary, it'll say like, "Oh, you're holding onto this, and your adrenals are fatigued because of this."
• 26:09
  And it's not diagnostic, but it's, it's an amazing tool.
• 26:13
  So it's kind of something I've added on that people are like, "Well, how does it know?"
• 26:19
  And then they'll take lab work and put it right up against this thing, and they're like- Yeah "How?
• 26:23
  How?"
• 26:23
  Like, it matches my Quest Diagnostics lab work to the T, but it's not- Yeah diagnostic.
• 26:29
  It's energetic.
• 26:30
  Yeah, yeah.
• 26:30
  And at the end of the day, we're all energy, right?
• 26:33
  That's- Yeah when you think of the, the acupuncture and the, I love- Yeah when people, you know, when you look at the map of the body with all of- Yeah the Chinese medicine, it's all connected, and it's, it's
• 26:45
  all blocks and flows, and it's just opening that stuff up.
• 26:49
  So- Yeah it's really interesting.
• 26:51
  Yeah.
• 26:51
  There are so many different, there are so many different things to try.
• 26:55
  Um- Yeah and, and look, sometimes I've, I've had relief for a little while, and then that relief has gone away.
• 27:03
  Okay, I had some relief for a little while.
• 27:05
  Right.
• 27:06
  How wonderful is that?
• 27:07
  Um, yeah.
• 27:09
  Yep.
• 27:09
  And then you can build on that.
• 27:10
  Um- Right.
• 27:12
  So tell me, I know you asked a question bef- when, in the little intake thing that we did- Mm for the podcast.
• 27:19
  What happened when you went back to that shelter?
• 27:22
  'Cause I'm curious about this now.
• 27:24
  Yeah.
• 27:24
  As a volunteer going back as someone not in the shelter, what- Mm experience did you have?
• 27:29
  Well, um, I, as I was writing the book, uh, I really wanted to get it right.
• 27:38
  And, um, Covenant H- I was still living in New York.
• 27:41
  I was two subway stops away from this place that had changed my life.
• 27:47
  And, um, so I decided to go back to volunteer, and what I found was that, um, these were the daughters of the girls that I lived with essentially.
• 27:58
  Mm.
• 27:59
  That absolutely nothing had changed.
• 28:04
  Same, same girls, same situations.
• 28:08
  Um, and the organization had gotten somewhat better about serving their needs, but, um, yeah, I did not find that much had changed at all.
• 28:22
  Um, the other thing that I found was that I had gone back not so that I could be of use to others, but I had gone back to heal myself, and I did so unconsciously.
• 28:37
  Mm-hmm.
• 28:38
  So, you know, I thought I was there doing a lot of good, and what I didn't understand was how caught up I was in my- My, my own past, my own present, my own nonsense, and, um, I wound
• 28:54
  up getting very, very over-involved with one of the residents, uh, because she reminded me of young me.
• 29:02
  Mm-hmm.
• 29:03
  And it's like, Janice, that's not what you were there to do.
• 29:05
  You were there to do some occupational artwork, you know?
• 29:10
  You're not there to look for younger you and try to become a parental figure in her life.
• 29:17
  And as she's going from rehab to, you know, hospital for various health issues and, uh, and then I'm trying to become, uh, some kind of...
• 29:30
  I, I was asking, "Please let me be your medical rep."
• 29:36
  Like, w- "Let me, let me help.
• 29:39
  You're constantly going through these health things.
• 29:40
  Let me be the one who helps you through this.
• 29:45
  Let me be the adult."
• 29:47
  Um, and through that process, I learned that she had, um, Munchausen syndrome, and she had been faking all of the illnesses and all the circumstances, uh, that she had supposedly been through.
• 30:05
  So that was a really, really great lesson in knowing when you are doing something self-serving Volunteering was meant to make me feel better, and so I was an irresponsible volunteer.
• 30:26
  Um, I mean, look, I did occupational art therapy, uh, for many, many, many, many...
• 30:34
  I- for a year and a half every week.
• 30:37
  Um, that part was good.
• 30:41
  I'm glad I didn't do more damage before learning I wasn't there for the right reasons.
• 30:47
  I wasn't fully healed.
• 30:49
  I was still writing the book.
• 30:51
  And that...
• 30:51
  Yes, and that is a very good point to make because a lot of people, I tell people, you know, when they go to a coach or they go to a therapist, and I've had people say, "I just, I
• 31:01
  got the feeling that the therapist was getting more therapy by talking to me."
• 31:05
  I'm like, "Then find another therapist," because many, many, many people get into...
• 31:10
  I mean, that's what I did.
• 31:11
  I got into coaching because I wanted to help people not have to go through what I went through.
• 31:15
  Yes.
• 31:15
  Yeah.
• 31:16
  Yeah.
• 31:16
  But if you can't tell your story without...
• 31:19
  I mean, there's a whole lot of, when you're coaching or with a therapist, there's a lot of co-regulation going on.
• 31:24
  Yes.
• 31:24
  Yes.
• 31:25
  And if you can't co-regulate with the person you're talking to and you're leaving them feeling more anxious and distraught than before they came, you're not ready.
• 31:33
  Yeah.
• 31:34
  And there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with that.
• 31:36
  I mean, I'm 57, and I'm just now starting to coach, where I started my healing journey 30 years ago.
• 31:42
  But 15 years ago- Yeah there was so much electrical charge behind the stories I was telling, which means that there would've been electrical charge bes- behind the stories I was hearing.
• 31:55
  Yes.
• 31:55
  Yeah.
• 31:55
  And that will affect the person that you are trying to help.
• 31:58
  Totally.
• 31:59
  Totally.
• 31:59
  Yeah.
• 32:00
  So again, kudos to you- Thanks because some people don't see that.
• 32:05
  Like, I will liter- you know, and, uh, that's why it's so important, I just mentioned this on the last podcast.
• 32:10
  Go...
• 32:10
  If you have to go to, you know, if whether it's a coach, a therapist, whatever it is- It is your right.
• 32:16
  If it, you don't get that, you know, you have to trust your instinct, and if you don't get that good, warm, lovable feeling that you're safe, that your body is safe, and your mind is safe- Yeah get out
• 32:27
  and get another one.
• 32:28
  There's a million of us.
• 32:29
  Yes.
• 32:30
  Yeah.
• 32:30
  Right.
• 32:31
  There really is.
• 32:32
  Yeah.
• 32:32
  There's a lo- there's enough that you can say, "I'm sorry, this isn't...
• 32:35
  Thank you for your time."
• 32:37
  Right.
• 32:37
  "This is not gonna work for me."
• 32:38
  Totally.
• 32:38
  And there's no shame in that.
• 32:40
  Yeah.
• 32:40
  You know, again, we're, when we grow up in that kind of environment where these chronic people-pleasers give everybody what they want, and I don't know how many people I hear say to me, "Oh, I was with this therapist
• 32:50
  for a year, and I just felt bad leaving."
• 32:52
  Right.
• 32:53
  Right.
• 32:54
  The hell?
• 32:54
  You're there to heal you, not her.
• 32:57
  Right.
• 32:57
  Or him.
• 32:57
  Also, these are, these are professionals.
• 33:00
  Um, they are, they're, they're not going to be personally hurt the way a friend would.
• 33:06
  No.
• 33:07
  They're not your parent.
• 33:08
  They're not gonna be angry at you for doing something that they're very used to happening.
• 33:13
  They- Right they, so- And not only that, but not your circus, not your monkey.
• 33:18
  It's not your problem what they're thinking.
• 33:20
  That goes back to why we're in therapy to begin with.
• 33:22
  Right.
• 33:24
  But it's, it, you know, it's funny.
• 33:25
  I'm, I'm, I'm turning 57 next month, and, um, you know, I look at you and I see a happy, healthy person, and I try to present to the world as, you know, the best version of, of myself.
• 33:38
  And I look at some of the women that I was in the group home with.
• 33:41
  You could not tell what we've been through.
• 33:44
  I look at you and I say, "Well, you know, there's a, there's a successful citizen of the world who's, you know, functional, and, uh, and is doing good for others.
• 33:53
  Like, obviously she must have come from a background that supported that."
• 33:59
  And I, I see my, my old cohort, and they're, we're middle-aged ladies now.
• 34:06
  You can't tell.
• 34:08
  Right.
• 34:08
  You wouldn't know what we were up to.
• 34:10
  Yep.
• 34:10
  You can't see the suffering because we were healed.
• 34:14
  'Cause yep, you did the work.
• 34:16
  Yeah.
• 34:16
  Did the work.
• 34:17
  Yes.
• 34:17
  So talk a little bit more about your book, and then we're gonna, I want you to tell people where they can find it, where they can work with you, if they wanna reach out to you directly, and all
• 34:25
  that good stuff.
• 34:26
  Great.
• 34:26
  Great.
• 34:27
  Um, so Girl Bomb now is 20 years old.
• 34:31
  Um, and, uh, I'm sort of- Talking about it again because it never really went away, that I, I, over 20 years I was still hearing from people who were discovering the book and finding that it had meaning for
• 34:48
  them, and I'm so, uh, so happy about that.
• 34:55
  I'm just so happy that On, on one hand, I'm not happy that it continues to be as relevant as it does, that again, a lot of the problems, um, that were there in the 1980s are still baked in.
• 35:07
  I mean, gay kids and trans kids always made up at least a third, if not 40%, of the kids who were homeless.
• 35:20
  Same.
• 35:21
  It's the same.
• 35:23
  These kids get thrown out by their families.
• 35:26
  Nothing The only thing that's changed is now there are a few other shelters, um, uh, like the Ali Forney Center, um, that specifically serve these youth, whereas Covenant House, a faith-based organization wasn't the best at understanding what gay
• 35:45
  kids needed, what trans kids needed.
• 35:47
  So that has changed, but, you know, not enough has changed.
• 35:51
  Um, the book continues to be relevant.
• 35:54
  So in some ways I'm glad about that, and in other ways, um, I wish it were like, "Wow, I can't believe that used to happen."
• 36:02
  Yeah.
• 36:02
  It, but it just goes to show, and I say it all the time, like people are like, "Well, what do you wanna do?"
• 36:07
  And I'm like, "I wanna get up on the biggest mountain and just feed love and light into these people, and let them..."
• 36:14
  Like, doesn't...
• 36:16
  Your past is your past.
• 36:18
  Yep.
• 36:19
  So let's just embrace what happened, find what we can learn from it, and let's find a way, find the tools, find something to get, to move forward- Yeah and to understand that like at the end of the day
• 36:32
  we were all born these beautiful, divine, joyous creatures- Yes and then life lifed on us.
• 36:37
  Yeah.
• 36:37
  That's the best way to put it, right?
• 36:39
  Yep.
• 36:40
  Yeah.
• 36:40
  And, and it changed the way we look at the world, but the world i- the, the, the good, the joy, the happy is still out there for the taking.
• 36:48
  You just have to be able to find the tools.
• 36:50
  Yes.
• 36:51
  But yeah, you're right.
• 36:51
  It's, suffering is not the '80s, the '90s, the '70s- Right, right, right the '60s.
• 36:57
  Like it n- it's, it's universal.
• 36:59
  It's everywhere, and we just need more tools, and we need more people like you out there writing books.
• 37:04
  I appreciate that.
• 37:05
  And, and, and, um, you were, you were saying, uh, where people can find me.
• 37:10
  If, if you are interested in writing your own memoir, whether it's book length or whether you wanna write three pages, um, I am specifically always very supportive of people who want to write.
• 37:23
  Um, and I do do coaching, and I do have a sliding scale.
• 37:28
  Um, so, uh, I can be found at girlbomb.com, G-I-R-L-B-O-M-B.com.
• 37:36
  Um, and I'm on Instagram, sort of.
• 37:40
  Uh, so you can find me at Instagram, at janice.earlbaum.
• 37:44
  And I will put all of those links in the show notes so people, if you're driving or you're not being able to pay attention to exactly the spelling and stuff, don't worry about that.
• 37:52
  Just go to the show notes.
• 37:53
  We'll have a little bit more about Janice in there, and how to reach out to her and everything else.
• 37:58
  So, it, I mean, so many people are listening to you, and they're like, "Wow, that's me.
• 38:02
  I've been there."
• 38:04
  Oh, if so, I, I'm, I'm holding you in my heart.
• 38:08
  I love you.
• 38:10
  Aw.
• 38:11
  Nice.
• 38:12
  So if you had to leave the listeners with one last piece of advice or words of wisdom or something tangible they can take with them today, what would it be, Janice?
• 38:22
  It would be keep trying.
• 38:23
  Keep trying.
• 38:25
  Because- Without w- if you're, if you're not going to change anything, then nothing is going to change.
• 38:33
  And you can start small.
• 38:36
  You can do one of these one-time things like hypnotherapy or acupuncture or EMDR or Rolfing, and if you don't find results from one, try another.
• 38:47
  That sometimes people look at healing as like this giant Mount Everest that they're gonna have to get up, and it makes it very, very hard to start climbing.
• 38:58
  But there are simple steps that you can take, and one of them might work for you.
• 39:04
  Amen.
• 39:06
  Thank you so much.
• 39:07
  Thank you, Tammy.
• 39:08
  Yeah, no, it was super fun.
• 39:09
  It's really, really lovely.
• 39:10
  Thank you.
• 39:11
  And it, yeah, it's super fun.
• 39:12
  And I tell people it's the same thing.
• 39:13
  Like wake up in the morning and just, "What do I need right now?
• 39:18
  What do I feel that I need right now?"
• 39:19
  Ask yourself that every morning.
• 39:22
  And then, what's one thing I can do to make myself feel just 1% better?
• 39:27
  And sometimes if you ask yourself that, you don't have to climb Mount Everest.
• 39:32
  Yeah.
• 39:32
  If you could feel 1% better, imagine that.
• 39:36
  You would change the world.
• 39:38
  Yes.
• 39:38
  If everybody f- woke up in the morning and was like, "Okay, what do I need?
• 39:41
  What does Janice need?
• 39:42
  What does Tammy need?"
• 39:43
  Right.
• 39:44
  Like, what do we need?
• 39:45
  Yeah.
• 39:45
  And what can we do?
• 39:47
  Because I'm sure we can think of something, but we don't.
• 39:49
  We wake up, we scroll on our phone, we open up, start doom scrolling.
• 39:53
  Yeah.
• 39:53
  We immediately fill our minds with negativity, the first thing we do in the morning.
• 39:59
  Yeah, yeah.
• 39:59
  And if I could give, like, a tip, like, today, like, that would be it for me, is wake up- Yes and every...
• 40:06
  Start the day positive.
• 40:08
  Yes, yes, absolutely.
• 40:10
  Start it positive.
• 40:10
  That's a radical change, too.
• 40:12
  Yeah.
• 40:12
  Yeah.
• 40:13
  And guys, go get her, go get her book.
• 40:16
  I wanna read...
• 40:17
  I think I down- Is it...
• 40:18
  It's on Audible too, isn't it?
• 40:20
  Uh, no, there is no audiobook- No?
• 40:22
  I'm sad to say, but, um, I may be addressing that soon.
• 40:26
  Oh, you're gonna address that, because that's what you're gonna do.
• 40:28
  Like, yes.
• 40:30
  Because I listen to everything on Audibo- Audible, but maybe I d- I think I might...
• 40:34
  I don't know.
• 40:35
  That Girlbomb, it's so familiar, but I'm gonna get it and put it to my list of 700 books I gotta read, I promise you.
• 40:40
  Awesome.
• 40:41
  Thank you so much, Tammy.
• 40:42
  I will do the same.
• 40:44
  I'm very, very interested in, uh, your books.
• 40:47
  Thank- Yeah, mine, I got banned on Amazon, so mine's a dumb story.
• 40:49
  But, um, yeah.
• 40:50
  Yeah.
• 40:50
  My book is called Surviving Alcoholic Parents, and it's mostly meant for teenagers.
• 40:55
  It's a guide, but we can talk about that one later.
• 40:59
  Okay, great.
• 40:59
  But anyway, so yeah, so the name of the book is Girlbomb: A Halfway Homeless Memoir, and sever- And like I said, she's got several other books.
• 41:06
  Janice Erlbaum.
• 41:07
  Check her out.
• 41:08
  Go visit her.
• 41:09
  Go reach out to her.
• 41:11
  A wealth of knowledge and so much wisdom.
• 41:14
  And thank you so much.
• 41:15
  Thank you, Tammy.
• 41:16
  Love to you.
• 41:17
  Thanks.
• 41:17
  You're welcome.
• 41:18
  Great.
• 41:19
  And for everybody else out there listening, you heard it again.
• 41:21
  Here's another story of hope and healing, and just know that your past does not define you, and it doesn't matter how bad things got, they can always get better.
• 41:30
  They can always get better, and with a little self-compassion, a little self-love, and a little bit of work, you can get there too, my friends.
• 41:37
  So you all have a blessed week, and we will see you back