Latest / Harder Than Life / 23: We Help the People We Once Were w/ Jeff Forester

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23: We Help the People We Once Were w/ Jeff Forester · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'm Kelly Siegel and this is harder than life a podcast about self-love self-awareness business and health We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple practical advice. You can start using today. Let's get living
• 0:15
  Welcome back to the harder life podcast. It's no secret how much I love kids and charity. Having a 14 year old daughter myself, I understand the importance of a good, solid role model, communication and consistency, especially for aforementioned young adults. The person with me today is an expert at helping teens and young adults unleash their potential. He is the host of his very own podcast titled Pathways to Greatness.
• 0:38
  He's a devoted husband, father of two, and an all-around amazing man living life the right way. Welcome to the show, Coach Jeff Forrester. Thanks, Kelly. Well, that didn't elicit much of a response. Well, I wasn't sure. I was like, that was so well-written. I was trying to figure out, is that just a recording or didn't start it?
• 1:01
  All right, I received that. I like to, you know, you're a fellow CLS member, so I like to make sure that you know that I listened and I take good care of you. And I'm excited that you're here. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day. Yeah, thank you. I'm going to. Before we start. Go ahead. I've got to honor you a little bit.
• 1:20
  I just want to say thank you for how you show up on a regular basis. You show up not only on social media, but I can tell on phone calls, on the CLS calls, that you're just a genuine man who wants to help others and change the world. So I just, I had to tell you that because it's impressive. I'm happy that our paths crossed and your messages every day bring a smile to my face. So thank you.
• 1:49
  Yeah, I like yours too. And I appreciate that I received that. It's good to hear that I'm making a difference. I know I am, but it's still good to hear. We hear complaints way before we hear gratitude. So thank you. I received that. And let's get this thing going so we can change the world. What's the one thing? I like it. What's the one thing you love so much that you're willing to work hard for it? My family. My family.
• 2:19
  Ooh, I'm going to ask more family questions, but expound upon that.
• 2:25
  Yeah. So previously in my life, I would have probably answered that way differently, or I would have probably answered it the same, but it wouldn't be as genuine as it is now because I had these aspirations to get new titles on my business card, get accolades at work, do all these things, hustle and grind and accomplish a lot externally. And I finally realized I was missing out on everything that's the most important.
• 2:53
  And so now it's a matter of everything I do goes to edifying my family, lifting up my family and making sure that they know that they're the most important people on the planet right now.
• 3:08
  Well, you can look at your social media and know that that's it. So you have two children, a daughter, Laura Lee, who is 12 and looks to be an avid volleyball player and a son. Is it Deuce? I couldn't even read my own writing. It is, yeah. I got it right. Yeah, it's Deuce. Talk about the challenge of being dad Jeff and coach Jeff.
• 3:29
  Well, that would be a great question for my kids because the two go hand in hand. I would say that the difference between the two is I fail a lot as a dad and meaning that my emotions get the best of me, where I feel like when I'm Coach Jeff, I'm in much more control and able to think differently.
• 3:55
  more methodically and level-headed and ask more questions. And so as a, as dad, Jeff, I don't ask as many questions as I should and tell more and instruct more. And it's the good thing is coach Jeff talks to dad, Jeff a lot. And I make sure I really try to make sure that through those conversations, sometimes they're audible. Most of the time they're in my head. You never know.
• 4:22
  It's an interesting conversation sometimes if you walk into my office. But I choose to be very self-aware to make sure that I ask good questions and I listen to other people and learn. And even though someone may ask great questions in the boardroom or in business or in sales, those can transfer into having conversations with your kids. Because in sales, it's you understand and find out their needs first.
• 4:50
  And as dad, Jeff, I don't do that a lot. And I see where I drop the ball often. And then once I can humbly apologize and then ask some of those questions, I see a different connection with my kids and with my wife when I do those things.
• 5:07
  It's all about family, man. That's a core value of national technology management, my IT company. It's family. It's so important to me. I just realized I kind of, I know you, so I kind of skipped through what you do and what it's all about. So we're going to go there. I always say life happens for you and not to you. You were laid off from a sales job in 2021 and started this highlight teen coaching. Walk the audience through that, where the idea came from.
• 5:32
  Because I mean, sales to coaching teams, normally once you're in sales, you kind of stay in sales. And even though I get it, you just said it, we're always selling. Take a step back. Tell me the reason why you're here is because High Lake. And I love the whole concept. So let's tell us all about it and how you came. The story of you finding it during, arguably during the pandemic is remarkable. Use the floor now to brief the audience.
• 5:58
  Thank you. For me, so many of my choices that I've made have been made for me. It's because I didn't have the courage to make one. And so one of those was getting laid off and knowing that I needed to make a shift, make a change, but I just was too scared for it.
• 6:15
  And the reason part of the reason why is the fallacy that I'm the sole provider. So my wife works in raising the children and she's very active in school. So she does a ton, far more than a 40 hour job without any pay. And like you said earlier, usually without any kind of recognition or thank yous.
• 6:37
  And so for me is that idea of being a sole provider. And so I knew I needed to leave probably for six months in the job that I was in, but I just couldn't because the pay was really good. And I kept telling myself, well, what are we going to do about money? And so through that transition, Kelly, it was amazing when I got the call and was laid off and I had sensed it for a while that I was going to get laid off. I felt this massive relief.
• 7:04
  and just felt really good that I was done. And so shifting away from that, I always love helping people and training people. And most of those people always were the people that reported to me. And so how genuine is that?
• 7:19
  You know, some people I think were genuine and hearing and listening to what I was talking about. I wanted to share. But a lot of times it was, you know, he's my boss. I have to listen. So from that transition and wanted to be a coach and had always wanted to. And so during my already had another W-2 job lined up, was going to go back into sales that pays well.
• 7:41
  not a lot of work and not a lot of difficulty. And then from that, I was laying on the couch during my prayer time. And I just heard God say to me, which path is going to require you to have more faith in me to provide? I was like, well, that's, unfortunately, that's an easy question. Because if I go the other route, that's the Fortune 25, Fortune 10 company that's going to provide me a paycheck. The other way, I'm going to have to learn a lot.
• 8:11
  And I've been an employee for the past 20 plus years. And so I had a conversation with my wife and just we both kind of gulped and we have done well with our money and our savings. And so I said, look, if we're going to do this, because it had to be an us decision, because like I said, as I had shifted away from me being the sole decision maker and trying to do everything on my own to, OK, this has to be a collective decision, because if she's not supporting me.
• 8:41
  I'm done. And it would end up probably being the end of our marriage. And so through that, we made the decision to go full forward in coaching. And I was looking to do coaching on the level, similar to like Craig, leaders, business people, adults. And I had come across a Facebook post of a local coach here, highlight coaching and consulting, that focused on teens and young adults.
• 9:10
  I thought, okay, that's an interesting group of people and target audience to focus on because they are really, really important. If we don't teach teens and young adults the right skills, the future is not going to be bright.
• 9:25
  And through conversations, we've come together and made the decision to make a formal partnership to really look at helping teens and young adults, give them the skills that we wish we would have had. Ed Milet, I know you're a big fan of his. He had Roy Vaden on his podcast and he talked about is that we're qualified to help the people who we once were. And I look back at my
• 9:53
  high school teenage years and realize that I just, I've kind of had had to figure it out. I, my father passed away my senior year in high school. So I had to grow up pretty quick and I stumbled through it. And it's one of those things that as we start to learn the things that we need to know,
• 10:16
  we realized, wow, if I would have learned that just a few minutes or a few years, a few hours, whatever it may be earlier, I could have avoided a lot of the challenges and I potentially could have helped more people. So that's my goal is to go back and help
• 10:32
  young people, and when we say young adults, that's 18 to 35, to have the life skills that most of their parents, unfortunately, don't have either. And so it's, you can't teach something you don't know. And so through my passion of self-development like you and like others that we surround ourselves with, I just want to give that back. And we offer a ton of great opportunities for students that
• 11:00
  just didn't see that there was an option for them. And some of the success stories are massive of people who have like terrifying anxiety of just not wanting to talk to people, not to look anybody in the eye. And then once they go through a group setting and we work through them finding their values to see all of a sudden a glimmer in their eye, their shoulders go back, they stand up tall. And next thing you know, seven weeks later, they're like leading the group.
• 11:29
  And it's miraculous to see once you just give someone an uplifting word, you give them some of their confidence and pride in themselves to see what they're capable of. I love that. And you said so many things I'm going to unpack on that. And the. So you.
• 11:52
  We're too afraid, and I'm going to paraphrase, but I just got to recap this for the audience. You were too afraid to make the leap, but God pushed you there. That's universal signs, man. That's awesome. And then you went into teaching youth, which is absolutely paramount because that's our future. And my audience, my daughter's 14, so all her friends follow me and watch me. And then yesterday was a half day. They had all her friends over, and all the boys wanted to come over and talk to me.
• 12:22
  So you also finished it with...
• 12:25
  We are qualified to help our previous selves. So I was at a disadvantage. I was physically, emotionally abused by my parents and told I was nothing. So that's why I get up here and rant and rave. I'm playing with house money, man. I shouldn't be here. So you bet you're behind that. I'm going to fricking show up every single day. That's why I'm a big boy because I got abused and I started working out. So nobody could ever abuse me. So,
• 12:54
  I am a poster child for the 15 to 30 year olds. That's who I really want to affect. So that's why you're on this podcast right now because hopefully your audience will catch me and say that he's the model and that's really what I want to do because you can become whatever you want in this world. And if you just take a step back and surrender a little, I know it sounds funny. Everybody's like work, work, work, work.
• 13:23
  Surrender a little bit. Let the universe, you called it God, it will send you the signs. And everything bad that happened to me literally was for me to be able to the tough son of a gun today. So if you think that you're 15 to 30 and you're listening to this from Jeff's or mine and you think that the world is closing in on you, keep going. Because it turns out okay. And you're gonna bet a thousand, you're gonna win. So...
• 13:50
  And if you, the negative works too that way too. So if you're doing bad, the universe will keep sending you the signs to redirect you. It's just, if you're silly like me and ignore those signs,
• 14:06
  At some point, it will level you up. So good luck fighting the universe. It doesn't work. So listen to Jeff. Go to the coaching. Go over and follow Jeff on Instagram and Facebook. His handles will be in the show notes. His daily posts, and you can see, you feel the love for his daughter and his son. And we're going to go right into that little Jeff, like what you just said. I saw a picture of...
• 14:35
  of you as a slightly overweight, at least it looked like from the headshot on social media with braces at 15. What's the one piece of advice you would give him if you were sitting with us right now?
• 14:49
  Oh, such a good one. So I wasn't just a little overweight, Kelly. I'm just trying to play. I was a fat kid. No, I'm a fat kid. I'm a self-professed fat kid. Wait, hold on. I want to jump in here. I apologize. So again, what Rory Vaden said, we are qualified to help. So we're qualified to help the person we used to be. So if you're a fat kid with braces, listen to Jeff, folks. Listen to him. So keep going.
• 15:18
  Yeah. So one of the pieces of advice that I would give is to do hard things. And I know that your podcast is called harder than life and I quit everything that was hard, everything. And,
• 15:33
  I didn't know how to do anything difficult because I was so focused on the outcome. And I know you've talked about this in a lot of your posts, is that I had it all backwards. I was more concerned with the accolades after the fact and not understanding the most important part of preparation is the process. And the better the process, usually the better the outcome. But the outcome will let you down almost every single time.
• 16:03
  is you can accomplish a gold medal. And you hear interviews with these people, and they're like, okay, well, that wasn't anything that I thought it would be.
• 16:14
  and then they go searching for something else. But you get so much out of just the doing the hard things because not that it calluses the mind, but just like you have big arms and a big chest, that didn't come from just lifting a pillow. You had to add resistance to your body and to your muscles to get stronger. And that's what a process does. So
• 16:37
  Doing hard things would 100% be one of those that I give. The other one would be stay disciplined. And that's all part of the process.
• 16:46
  is have an idea of what you want and then figure out what you have to do and then stay disciplined. And that comes to not just physically, but discipline to my integrity and my values. I wavered through my adult life, not just the 15-year-old kid with braces, but I wavered on my values. So what did I, I didn't stand for anything. Yeah.
• 17:08
  And that, that, like you said earlier, the negativity, that becomes a habit because the more you waver and you, you're wishy-washy, then it just becomes easier and easier. And it all comes down from doing hard things, standing up for what you believe in and just trying to do your best. Wow. We are. Yeah.
• 17:31
  We're never chasing the thing. We're chasing the feeling associated with achieving the thing. So whatever your goal is, if your goal is to get a new Lamborghini, you're not chasing the Lamborghini. You're chasing the feeling of the status of having a Lamborghini. You can achieve that very same feeling all along the process.
• 17:52
  and don't even care about achieving whatever it is you're choosing. So that feeling comes about who you're becoming every single day. And I was just reminded this yesterday is,
• 18:04
  hey, look around and smell the roses daily because it's pretty freaking good. I keep chasing helping people, helping people, and it's no secret that I want to donate a boatload of money from the Heart of the Life podcast to three charities, and it's all I'm hyper-focused on, and I keep forgetting that it's meeting the Jeffs. It's giving, I just had Dylan Smith on before you, and then I got another one coming on after you, and it's...
• 18:33
  I get to, I'm so curious and loving of people that the process, I'm forgetting the process. This isn't, we're not going to die and win some fricking, uh, uh, prize. So it's all about the process and, and, and who you're becoming during the process. And, and every day I'm getting just a little bit better and a little bit better. So that's my, my little bit of advice for, uh, the audience. Um,
• 19:01
  What difference did someone make in your life as a child? Another good question. It's interesting is that, again, my parents weren't athletes. They weren't into sports. But I had an eighth grade teacher that came. I went to a small private Christian school.
• 19:21
  And this gentleman came to the school. I was in eighth grade and he loved sports. So he's like, we don't have a basketball team. We don't have a, it was again, a small school flag football team. And he introduced athletics to me.
• 19:36
  and basketball specifically was the first thing. And I just loved it. I'm, again, not only am I my fat kid, I was six feet tall in the sixth grade. I didn't grow much after that, I'm six two, but still it was one of those things that I excelled and I got encouragement from him. And it was one of those things that without that, I'm not sure what I would have done through high school,
• 20:05
  but it just gave me a chance to, to be confident about something. Again, I wasn't a great shooter, but I could rebound the heck out of the ball and I was big and nobody would could move me out of the way. So I was like the Dennis Rodman of small Christian schools in Gainesville, Florida. So again, not a big conference, but it was, it doesn't matter. Like you said a second ago, it's not the Lamborghini. It's the process. It's,
• 20:29
  And having confidence in myself just changed the whole trajectory of my youth, I feel, because I had something to do. I had something physical to do and not just sit around because I can be an introvert. I guess I probably am an introvert because I'd rather...
• 20:48
  I'll give an example. If I see somebody, a neighbor out in front of the house, and I got to walk the dog, I wait until they walk past the house before I go outside and walk the dog because I don't want to have a conversation.
• 21:00
  But it gave me a chance to win. It gave me a chance to find someone other than my parents because I have amazing parents. Like my dad was my hero and my mom is still my hero. So this has nothing that I had to find a substitute for them. But it was good to have someone other than my parents
• 21:21
  Tell me that I was good. Tell me that I had promise. And that's something that I just encourage everybody to do, regardless if you're 15 or if you're 50, is to give someone...
• 21:36
  a kind word because you don't know how that's going to change. I interviewed somebody the other day on my podcast and somebody just came up to him and said, you know what? I feel strongly that you have an evangelistic nature about you and that you have a calling to do that.
• 21:54
  And he's like, I never thought about that. And so that changed his whole trajectory. Like he's like, his whole path in life has changed because of a kind, confident word that someone gave him that he's like, you know what? Maybe that is my calling. And it just came from a, just a regular, just, she had no idea why she was telling him that. She's just like, I feel compelled to tell you that I appreciate you. And I think this is your calling.
• 22:22
  So do that. And that's what I wish, again, as I was younger, that because of my self-esteem issues, I didn't do that enough. And that's a challenge that I give anybody today when they listen to this. Just say something nice to somebody out of the blue, somebody that you know. You can text them, I guess, but just pick up the phone and just call and leave a message on their voicemail and tell them how much you appreciate them. It will change their entire day.
• 22:51
  You know what works really well? Voice memos. Sending the voice memos. Craig and I exchange voice memos all the time. They're hilarious. Or a video message, if you're so inclined. You're going to hear now exactly, I think we heard a little bit of this, but you're going to hear why
• 23:07
  I named this harder than life. So my story was a little different. So I didn't have supportive parents and every, so I didn't, I was too scared. I had issues. I was a small little scrawny kid. I,
• 23:22
  But I leaned into that scaredness and just persevered. And that's what I mean by harder than life. When I tell you I was small, I was told I was stupid, and I put a chip on my shoulder,
• 23:38
  And I plowed through that. And to this day, if I get scared, which almost never happens, that's the first sign that I'm like, okay, I got to work harder and I got to plow through it. So I am a buffalo. I go right into the proverbial storm. Yeah.
• 23:53
  And I know I'm going to come out successful every single time. So the moral story is there's more than one way, more than one, one method to be successful and to win in this world, either be kind, be nice or, uh, create your own internal manifestation and, and trudge forward. So either way works as long as you get to the quarterback at the end of the day. And, uh,
• 24:15
  It's just a good story. I remember in high school, I lived with my sister my senior year, and we were already full-blown partying, and teachers already would know that we'd be walking in at 17 hungover. And I remember one of the teachers saying, the AA boys are here, and nobody did a thing because it was just get them graduated and get them out of here. It's just so weird how different times are now. Yeah.
• 24:45
  Oh, I know, right? What I'm curious is what would be a piece of advice you would give your younger self? Wow, that's a good one. It changes every day.
• 24:59
  I would say that you are loved and you matter. You know, I don't lack confidence, I lack love. You see that, I'm not afraid ever. I used up all my fear growing up, but I didn't get any love. And that's why I enjoy our CLS family, that's why I enjoy doing these podcasts, and that's why I enjoy giving back, because I get the love that I require from that.
• 25:26
  you know, my parents were never around, so it was tough. And, and, and, you know, I've been in therapy for years and I still am working on it and I, I still am grinding through it, but you know, the more I learned, the more I realized I don't know, and I'm humble as can be, and I'm just going to enjoy every single day.
• 25:46
  And I would also say, you know, be patient. And probably one last thing would be, don't drink as much as I did. I just followed in the footsteps. Man, did I have fun. I didn't cause any major damages that I know of. I didn't get a DUI. I didn't, nothing bad happened. It's just, I blinked my eye and I was 43 years old and going, there's more to life.
• 26:15
  So I wish I would have, I mean, like I said, I was 16 years old. I was a regular drinker, 16, 17 years old. It was regular. So from 16 to 43, I drank a lot. My friend from high school, I just ran into him and he's like, you still not drinking? I'm like, no. And he's like, yeah, I think that God...
• 26:35
  only allows you so many drinks in your life and you drank them all. I mean, I had a tolerance of, you know, who knows, I could drink under the table and that was a badge of honor. So I don't know that I would have listened and that's the problem. And I probably would have said, listen, in personal development, they tell you you're not supposed to, oh, there's no regrets. I do have a regret. I wish that from the moment when I turned 30,
• 27:03
  And I knew that I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. And 43, when I finally said, okay, it's time to rope this in. Now, I don't work a program. I don't go to AA. I don't consider myself an alcoholic. I don't even consider myself sober. I just choose not to drink. So I would like to have, and I'm not trying to be greedy, half of those years back. So 13 years. Give me six years.
• 27:26
  Six of those years back, I could be further along in this personal development game. I could be further along on my journey helping more people. But again, we said everything happens to you. I wouldn't have listened. And I wasn't ready. Everything happens when you're ready. What did I say? When the teacher... Yeah, you're going to say the same thing. Go ahead. Say it. You say it. Yeah. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. There you go.
• 27:53
  And then one more practice makes the master. So, you know, we're, we're, we're, I'm just doing this thing called life every single day, enjoying every minute of it. And I'm absolutely blessed. I, I, I have a life that I, I pinch myself daily that I get to do this. This is awesome. It was, which tees up my next question. What were you put on this earth to do? Help people.
• 28:17
  I mean, it's 100%. I've wanted to have different characteristics. I've wanted to have different strengths, but it all comes back to just wanting to help people. I learned that from my mom. She has such a nurturing heart, and she's set a wonderful example for me on how to help. And I just get so much fulfillment from that. So I truly do feel that I've stepped into...
• 28:44
  what I've been called to do. And so now it's staying disciplined and having the endurance to stick it out. And the reason why I know that is I love listening to my kids and because they are full of wisdom if you choose to listen because they don't have all this nonsense that we've carried with us into adulthood. Yeah.
• 29:04
  And so when Mega Millions was a billion dollars, we played just because it was a billion dollars. You know, I'll take a chance. And so we always have fun talking. So my son asked me the question. He's like, Dad, if you want a billion dollars, would you keep coaching? Without a hesitation, I said, yes. I said, I doubled down on it. I probably wouldn't charge anybody for it because I got a billion dollars.
• 29:26
  And he said, you know, that's the first time you've ever answered that question that way. And that's when I realized I'm doing what I was called to do because it's not about the money. It's not about the recognition. It's about helping others accomplish more and to have life skills to avoid what we just talked about, giving them six years back. Are they going to listen? Probably not to 100% of what we have to say. But just think about if you're talking to a 16-year-old.
• 29:53
  And then they go through their life challenges because they're going to make mistakes. But then all of a sudden, maybe at 21 or 22 or 19, they go, oh, wait a minute. I remember what Coach Jeff said about my values. Let me sit down and think about my values again. And that in and of itself could change the trajectory of their life. And so I set a goal back of this at the beginning of the year that I want to impact a million lives over the next five years.
• 30:22
  And people started asking me, well, how are you going to measure that? I was like, dude, don't get hung up and wrapped around the axle about how I'm going to measure that. I have a mindset that I want to impact a million people. And that's a ripple effect. It's what helping one person and that person helping one person is I won't ever see the true million unless I'm speaking in front of people.
• 30:43
  you know, a stadium like Craig is, or having a huge community where you could count that, but it's more of a mentality of it. Because when I first sat down and thought about Kelly, the number was 10,000. And then I immediately heard in my head, so that's not big enough. And I was like, all right, 100,000. And then I heard that's not big enough. I'm talking like I could hear those words, not big enough. And so then I was like, okay, a million?
• 31:11
  It's like, okay, that'll do for now. And it just changed. It changed my whole 2023 and what I want to do. I think you're going to do great. I want to reiterate what you said too. It's you figure out the what and the why and the how will appear. It doesn't matter. So many good nuggets in there. How, what's the most important decision you've made in your life?
• 31:37
  For me, it was a rededication to Christ, is putting him first and living an example that he set for me. And that's the first of my values. That was the first thing when I wrote my mission statement and my credo, was that I live a Christ-like centered life focused on loving others.
• 32:00
  And that literally changed the entire trajectory of my life. And that was a little over five years ago. And I reorganized my life, have God first, family second, work third. And I do everything I can. And I do my best. I fail a lot. But to measure all of my decisions in that order to make sure, because if I'm giving
• 32:25
  God the glory, then my family is going to be well taken care of. And the people that I work with are going to be well served. And if I can just keep doing those things, then I, I won't have as many mistakes as I have in the past. So you sound like you have a direct line to God or, or, or your Jesus Christ. Would you ask him the next time you talk to him what he's trying to teach me right now, because I am going through it. Yeah.
• 32:54
  I'm kidding. I'm kidding because you know what? This is when the learning, this is when the growth happens. When things are tough is when you get the most growth. And boy, life is teaching me right now, but man, do I love this? It's like a big, because you know, it's growth. You know, you're growing. If you were offered a mulligan in life, what would you do over? Ooh. Um, um,
• 33:23
  I would say not making the decision, because I grew up in a Christian home, but I didn't really, I didn't have a relationship for the majority of my life. I kind of followed the religion aspect that I was raised in. And the mulligan would have been not making that decision sooner and not, for me, not giving up, or I should have given up porn a lot sooner than I did.
• 33:48
  because it really challenged me mentally and it challenged my marriage because that was always there. And so I wasn't fully giving myself to my wife because I had this other thing dancing in my head all the time. And so that would be a mulligan that when I said my vows to my wife, I meant them.
• 34:12
  But, and however, I know that negates the first part of what I just said, is that I had this addiction that just maintained in my brain and in my core that really it stole things away and stole intimacy away from her and I that I wish I would have given up sooner. Okay, we're going to go there for just a second because this keeps coming up and I want to, if it's uncomfortable, you can tell me and I can edit it out. But yeah.
• 34:40
  This is coming up in almost every podcast lately with men. And I'm curious because I've never been into porn. So talk to me. Talk to the listeners. If there's somebody else listening. And right now, our demographic is a lot of men. So this sounds to be, I'm going to take a wild swing. This is, many people are battling this or grinding with porn.
• 35:09
  What advice would you give somebody? First of all, let me say thank you for being so transparent. And we're going to help people. We're going to say what we said. But this is coming up. I'm not kidding you. Grant, has it podcast after podcast people are talking about porn? Oh, yeah. All the time. Okay. So...
• 35:28
  What advice, what were you seeking when you went through the porn? And now, any part of this you want to edit out, we will. Or if it's too much, just say no. But I remember the point of helping people is saying you're not alone. So you're not alone. But give us some advice if someone else is listening to this and they're having an unhealthy relationship with porn.
• 35:53
  Yeah, for me, it started at a very early age. Somebody's brother, somebody's dad had magazines, and then they shared, and then you see it. And we're wired as men to go, holy smokes, look at that. Hell yeah. And-
• 36:08
  It was like heroin for me is that that was that that feeling that you get. It's a massive dopamine hit to the system. I mean, we're wired that way for a reason. And animals, males, I mean, when when females are in heat, you've got to get away because they're dogs, cats, bears, whatever. That's not a good time to be is when there's mating season in the woods.
• 36:36
  And for me, it was just that it was a release. It was a place to go where, again, I had really bad self-image because I was a fat kid. And here's in my mind, I can create this fantasy with this beautiful woman that's in front of me that,
• 36:56
  everybody's telling me that's what being a man is all about is, you know, having intercourse with a woman, you know, having relations with, with a female and it was just, it just continued to go and it just continued to go and continue to go. And then, you know, you start to,
• 37:15
  Then you start to seek things that, okay, well, just a picture isn't enough. So then you have the advent of, again, I'm 50. So when I was younger, just actual video pornography was not easy to get. Well, now, good grief, with the advent of the internet, it's super simple, which is the problem, is that it's too easy to access. And so similar to your story about giving up alcohol, right?
• 37:43
  I just hit the bottom. I was tired of it. It had completely warped my mind of how I perceived women, how I perceived my wife, and it was really destroying me little by little.
• 38:01
  And I just made the decision. I was like, I'm done. Because I had gotten to where I was okay accepting soft core porn. Like I'd follow, there's all these apps out there. I won't drop their names, but they're full of, you know, like back pain Wednesday or, you know, or was it lower back pain issues or something where you could go and they're in clothes, but they're not wearing clothes.
• 38:25
  And it was just, then I'd find other guys that liked the same thing. So then we'd share pictures. And it was just, misery loves company, I guess. And it just kept compounding. And I know I'm getting to answer your question, but for me, it was a decision. It was a decision based on the new values that I had because I just was disgusted with myself. And I was like, I've allowed this decision.
• 38:51
  this thing to control me, to control my thought, to control my actions, and I'm tired of it. And so I went on and I deleted every app that I had, even if it was a sports app that had pictures on it. I wasn't on social media at the time, but even now, I don't follow a lot of fitness accounts, especially if they're a female because of the stuff that they put up.
• 39:14
  I go into my feed and if you go into that explore button, you'll see all of this stuff and you hit on one of them, Kelly, it's now that's all you're going to see in your feed because social media is designed. I mean, you know, you're in technology. It's designed to put in front of you what you want to see. And so I have to go in and say, I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it. And so then it's learned that and it's hard. There's days that are very difficult.
• 39:43
  Similar to other situations, I have a couple of buddies that I reach out to and I go, look, man, I'm having a hard day. I haven't done it. I can honestly say I've been completely porn-free for over five years. And it's just the best thing ever because with quitting drinking, once you're out of it, you go, wow, boy, did I waste a lot of time and energy.
• 40:10
  And I missed out on a lot. And I also see my role as a dad is that I have to have honest conversations with my 14-year-old son because he's got a phone that he has access to everything. And we've had some really challenging, tear-filled conversations because it's dangerous and it's poison.
• 40:31
  and people don't see it because as society we just continue to make it better and better and you have fitness models and you have all these different things that you know some of these fitness models they yeah they're great shape they have great lessons but they have a million followers because they're beautiful and and if you scroll through their followers 90 of them are dudes
• 40:57
  Chapter three, I gotta jump at you. You're fabulous. Thank you for sharing that. That's gonna help somebody. And I tell you, I love women. And I just, it is that, I love women, but porn was too fake for me. But what you just said, there's so many nuggets in there. So I don't know if you read my book, but you keep going back to, first, here's the Heart of the Life book. Let me put it in the right spot. Heart of the Life book, chapter one.
• 41:26
  Self-awareness. So you were self-aware, and you said that's what you teach your kids to be, self-aware. So first you said, okay, is this serving me? And then you make the hard decisions to get it out, to eliminate it. But I want to talk about addiction.
• 41:45
  Because so many people at a young age say, oh, it's not that bad. Well, the concept of addiction is it's never enough. And you have to satiate it higher and higher. And if you're watching porn, and I'll pick on your son, and I'll use your son as an example, 14. By the time you're 30, it's going to be out of control. So that goes for any addiction. Drinking, cannabis, pills.
• 42:16
  Winning everything. So I just interviewed a guy. I said everything in moderation, including moderation. So if it's overcoming you and causing issues, you've got to be self-aware.
• 42:31
  to make changes. And it's a math equation at that point. It becomes, if I'm watching a ton of porn and everything else in my life is degrading, all right, if we decrease the porn, will everything in my life get better? And the answer is, it will. So you create that space that we've always talked about, and it will be filled, as long as you're aware, with positivity and you make good choices. If you, the inverse is true too, if you create that space
• 42:59
  And you make bad choices. Boy, that freaking negativity will vacuum that up quickly. So I know that that's a big part of your coaching is to teach people to make good, hard decisions, like you said earlier. And betting to be on the heart of the life. Let's talk about those hard decisions because they start with healthy boundaries, which also I call non-negotiables. Jeff, what are your non-negotiables in life?
• 43:24
  You know, for me, it's the, just like I go back to values and that's what we try to, not try. That's one of the very first things that we do with all of our clients is to go through their values. So for me, you know, the values that I have, Christlike is first. So for me, that trumps everything because if I can live that example, everything else falls in place.
• 43:45
  But then I go to integrity, health, discipline, and family, and not any specific order. But those are my non-negotiables. And through that, I use that as my measuring stick. That's my litmus test to the decisions that I make. And like I said, I fail a lot.
• 44:04
  And because I want to be successful, but I constantly go back to thinking of, okay, what is this going to cost me? Because if you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else.
• 44:16
  And if you say no to something, then you've got to make sure that you're saying no for the right reasons. And so when I lost all my weight, I lost weight not because I wanted to be healthy, but because I thought by losing weight, then people will like me more and I'll get a girlfriend, which is the wrong reason. And so that's an external problem.
• 44:39
  reward that you're looking for when I needed to do it because I should have done it. And it's discipline and it's having an understanding of what's good for myself. And those are my non-negotiables is things that would take me away from my family. You were saying earlier about that you just wanted love. Well, I follow a gentleman called Larry Hagner and he's got the Dad's Edge podcast. And so he has really good dad questions that he presents to people.
• 45:06
  And so he said the other day on social media, he asked his sons, he has four sons, how can I show you that I love you more?
• 45:17
  And I loved that question. I just thought it was very interesting because I've never asked anything remotely to that. Because like I said, I always tell them that I love them. I try to do everything I can to show them, but I don't ask them enough questions. So in sales, you've got to ask questions. So I was doing too much telling. And so he had said he asked his 14 year old and his 14 year old said hugs.
• 45:41
  I want more hugs. And he thought, what? He's like, yeah, I just, that's all I want. I want more hugs. And so if you ever read the book,
• 45:51
  the five love languages, what fills your bucket? Like what fills your heart? And so that young man was hugs. And so I asked my son and it felt really good. And he's like, I don't know, dad. I mean, it's a 14 year old. And it's a pretty deep question. And I always ask these questions in a car. So if you're a dad, it's always good if you have a son to ask them in the car because guys do better talking side by side than straightforward, at least until they get comfortable with themselves.
• 46:20
  And he said, he's like, you know what, dad, I feel very loved by you and mom. And I feel as if you guys spend way more time with us than other parents do with his other friends. And that made me feel really good because that helped me measure what my non-negotiables are. And that was spending time with my family and making sure they know that they're number one.
• 46:46
  Wow, those are all good answers. I can tell you that your core values match mine perfectly. I mean, I have them too. So we word them a little bit differently, but two of them are spot exactly on, and then the other two are absolutely synonyms of them. So like attracts like, game recognizes game.
• 47:05
  A couple things. Telling is not selling. You know that. Don't be the hover parent. We got to let these kids feel things out for themselves. That's how you learn. They got to fail too, so they learn. All too often as parents, we want to create this complete comfort zone padded room so they don't
• 47:25
  fall and I've been working on that very, very hard as a father letting my daughter, she doesn't have one-tenth of the discomfort that I had, nor do I want her to, but she needs to experience a little bit more difficulty. As I was leaving this morning, I looked in her bathroom. It's,
• 47:41
  She's got wads of cash laying on the bath. I'm like, this kid doesn't care about money. Like I needed to go steal a bag of chips from the store. We didn't have any money. And she's just got tons of it sitting on her fricking honor. It doesn't even care about it. She's on her way to her mom's for the weekend and her cash is just sitting on my, it must be nice to be rich. I guess. I don't know. My love language is acts of service in case you're wondering. Yes, of course I read that book. Yeah. And there was one more.
• 48:11
  Love is a verb. I show my daughter that I love her every day by showing up. And I do ask her every day. I ask her how I could give her, how she could feel love more. But I also let her know that I couldn't love her any more or any less, no matter what she does. I tell her that over and over and over. I'm not going to love you more if you get an A. I won't love you any less if you get a D.
• 48:37
  I love you unconditionally. And I say that over and over and over. And I tell her how she matters and how she's got to be a leader. We talk about that every day in the car, as a matter of fact. So good advice. Yeah, it's really good. One last thing, Kelly, is that along those same lines is ask your kids what their definition of success is. And the reason why is we project our definition of success on our kids.
• 49:03
  Yeah. Jeff, I tell you that I do all that. And, and my daughter, I,
• 49:08
  that you think they're not listening and you think they're not paying attention. You're in the car. I always got a podcast on. She sees me reading all the time. I mean, I am literally addicted to the advancement of my mind and my body. So I just want to get a little better and I want to win. Winning is more fun than fun is fun. I want to win. I want to win. I want to win. And so she listens to everything. And she, sometimes I ask her like, are you just saying that? Cause I mean, and I feel bad. I apologize for being her dad every day.
• 49:35
  Because the bar is ridiculously high. Ridiculously high. So it's better than being low. I don't know how many stories could come out the way mine did. I mean, I'm very grateful that mine did. But there was so much harder than life and so much more perseverance that didn't need to take place if there was just a little bit of love and compassion in my family. But my parents did the best they could. And I forgive them. And I had to let that go.
• 50:00
  Last question. Well, two more questions. What's the best and worst advice you've ever received? That I could do it on my own. That's the worst. Because you can't. And I found myself many times isolating myself because I felt like I could do it on my own. And I let myself down all the time.
• 50:25
  And that you talked about earlier than that negativity can perpetuate just a, just a nonstop cycle. I'm a ruminator by nature. And so if I did one thing bad, then I'm like, well, then I'm a failure. So I had a fixed mindset where you had a growth mindset. And, um, that would be the worst piece of advice is that I could do it on my own. Um, the best piece of advice. Can I interrupt for just a second? I got yelled at one though, cause I quit.
• 50:53
  alcohol completely alone. I did, I went in solitude and I shut myself out. I didn't need to, I had a million friends. Everybody wanted to support me, I just needed to be alone. I had to go through it alone. And some lady like tell me, it's like how, that is the stupidest thing you could have ever done. She was very devout AA and it's, and you know, first thing in AA by the way is admitting your power is over alcohol, which is self-awareness.
• 51:16
  So, but she said, that's the stupidest thing. Don't you ever tell people to do that? You wouldn't have to do it alone. And I said, you know, all due respect, however you get there, you get there. So I did have to, uh, there is a little bit of solitude, a little bit of self introspect that is good, but it takes a fricking village. Cause after I got going, I received a book, um, uh, an alcohol, a book about alcohol from a bar owner, a friend of mine that. Yeah.
• 51:45
  It was, I wasn't completely convinced I was going to quit or a hundred percent. I was six months into it. I was kind of wavering and I got this book and, and I was like, Whoa, uh, I'm done. So it takes a village, but there is some good points of being solitude. However you get there, you get there because life is good on the other side of that controlled controlling of addictions. Yeah.
• 52:09
  Right. Well, like you said, you have to make the decision. Somebody else can't make it for you. So to your point, I echo what you share is that once you make that decision, because you decide what you want to accomplish, that's when you start asking for help.
• 52:25
  Yeah, that's, you know, I can tell you this much. There's nobody stopping me from drinking right now. I was an A1, A-class, number one partier, and I could rock it out with the best of my. I could go out tonight and get a limo and go and rock it out, not hurt anybody, and have drinks, and have a blast.
• 52:40
  I'd rather stay home and read tonight. It's Friday and recharge and get up and go to the gym tomorrow. And I, if I have a choice for either one, I'm going to do, if, if it was so much better drinking, I could do, I would do that, but I'm, I'm not, uh, I choose this so much better. And you have fun without it. So you use it in the crutch.
• 52:58
  Yeah, I'm more crazy now. So I'm getting flagged by my producer. We got to get ready. Give me the worst advice. No, that was the worst advice. So the best advice would be to be disciplined and kind of learn how to do hard things. So those are the two things that I know it's two, but they go hand in hand, but do hard things.
• 53:21
  consistency and discipline, man. If you do something for a long time, you'll get good at it. How can I personally support you, buddy?
• 53:29
  Just thank you for having me on here. And like you said, the listeners, if they go to highlightcoaching.com, they can find everything out about what we do. You can follow me on all my socials. It'll be in the show notes. It's easy. It's Jeff. And then the number four, Esther, on every platform that's out there. And they can find me there. And I'd love to help, whatever it is. So let's connect and see what we can do and move you forward.
• 53:56
  Those will all be in the show notes for anybody that wants to click on them. And if everybody wants to get in contact with Jeff, because his story is fantastic. He's in the Florida area, Orlando specifically. So if you're going down to Disney, hey, there you go. You can reach out to me and I'll have a line to him and he is doing great things. And I love you very much. And I'm really, really proud of you. And it's anything I can do ever. I'm a text away. Yeah.
• 54:21
  I'm going to remind everybody that each and every episode is sponsored by National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day. Until next week, be harder than life. Thanks, Jeff. Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to Harder Than Life, and let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.