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Is Your Ambition Costing Your Family? | Ep5 · The Uncommons

• speaker-0: the duality between wanting ambition and success versus having a young family and really wanting to be present with the kids. And I've seen a lot of people that they do have a mission and because of that, they compromise their family. speaker-1: miss a second of their lives and I want to sit home and just watch them all day long. I also love working. I love to create. love to produce. Understanding where that balance is going to be. speaker-0: from a dad or from a mom that's working, how much presence is enough presence? speaker-1: It's never that you're never gonna get off course. In fact, you're gonna be off course the majority of the time. speaker-0: When the business and work is super demanding, this whole thing that you're talking about, the hierarchy of priorities, it shifts. I can't ask for help. And because I don't know how to ask for help, I burn myself to the ground and then I resent and I get upset. speaker-1: The duality, I think it exists and the duality is great. speaker-0: Hi everyone, welcome to the Uncomments podcast where we challenge the ordinary and explore what it really takes to build a fulfilling life. I'm Parisa. speaker-1: on page speaker-0: And today we're going to talk about the duality between wanting ambition and success and personal growth and career growth versus having a young family and really wanting to be present with the kids while they're still cute and while they're growing up and while they need us the most. And the duality that comes between that amount of time and energy and presence that it takes. to be there for your kids versus the personal goals and ambition and success and all that comes with being outside of the house, especially being a provider. So what do think? speaker-1: I could talk about this for days because I deal with it every day, all day long. So yeah, this is going to be a good one. speaker-0: I just wanted to talk about this because I've seen it in a lot of people, especially the working parent. Nowadays in a lot of families, both parents are working, but in more traditional settings where the dad is the more working parent, it's a real challenge. It's a real struggle. And I see it in a lot of people that when they're at work, their mind is with their kids, with their family at home. And when they're at home, They're constantly stressed about work and this in and out of the duality creates a lot of stress for people. In our own personal journey, I know that you've been dealing with that a lot. And for me, when I was working, it was a real, I mean, constant stress because I was at home and my phone was constantly going, the emails were going and my mind was... somewhere else. I was, I mean, I at some point, I had this idea of working from home, which was completely, I could be there for the kids, but was I really there? Not really. And working out of the house was that I wasn't home and my mind was constantly with the kids. So it was really challenging for me. Thankfully, I had the privilege to stop when I needed to stop, stop working. But not everybody has that. Not everybody can do that. I mean, you can't do that. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah. And I don't know if I could, I wanted to do that. ⁓ Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I struggled with that a lot. This has been a topic of discussion ⁓ with my other communities and my mastermind, the master group that I work with. And it's not just myself or us. speaker-0: And not everybody wants to do that. speaker-1: is a challenge for a lot of the people in our master group that I work with and speaker-0: especially people with younger families. speaker-1: Yeah, course, of course younger families and and this this group that I'm talking about they're you know, they're aggressive people and they're well-to-do and they're you know, they're they're movers and shakers the synopsis that came from all of that going back and forth with that group was it is really good for the kids to see a parent that is working and the responsibility and sometimes saying no to the kids and saying I have to go to work or the fact that I'm at the gym every morning and the kids know I go to the gym every morning. And even though they tell me to stop or whatever it is, there's a hierarchy that through many, many, different and difficult and introspection of what is reality that is going to be most beneficial. with the overall mission in my life personally, which is my family, my mission, and people around us. What is the hierarchy of the things that need to happen? And keeping that hierarchy, that obviously includes the kids and the family and my wife and friends and so forth, that balance of that hierarchy, to keep that balance of hierarchy. speaker-0: you mean the hierarchy of priorities. speaker-1: of priorities that is going to give you the biggest outcome towards your mission. speaker-0: That's a little bit subjective because a mission could be many things. It could include or have a family's health and wellbeing in mind or not. I know and I've seen a lot of people that they do have a mission and because of that they compromise their families. speaker-1: Yeah, I'm just talking about my mission, right? There's this multifaceted way I look at it, but it is a huge thing in my life. I deal with it every single day because we have unbelievably cute little kids, and I'm sure everybody's kids are so cute to them, but it's like, I don't want to miss a second of their lives, and I want to sit home and just watch them all day long. and kiss them and just play with them and that's what I really want to do. I also love working, I love to create, I love to produce, but understanding where that balance is going to be and what do I need to do, what do have to do, what do want to do, and what's best for the kids and what's best for our relationship and just looking at all aspects of it. And I think it changes every single day. When I give talks, I always talk about this. is that when you take off from a plane from LA, for example, and you want to land in New Zealand from point A to point B, it's never that you're never going to get off course. In fact, you're going to be off course the majority of the time. But if you take off and the headwinds and tailwinds and sidewinds whatever it is, and you go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, up and down and up and down and up and down, eventually you're going to land on that spot. But this getting from point A to point B doesn't mean that it's not going to have its obstacles, its ups and downs, and getting off course for a little bit, and making mistakes. God knows I've made mistakes, and I'm sure I want to continue making mistakes. So it's a big struggle, especially for me personally. I'm older, relatively, to most parents, most dads with their kids. And I feel like I don't have that much time with them. And I also don't have that much time with them because they're growing so fast. So it's like a two layer time management for me internally. So it's a big, big, big thing that ⁓ I'm sure a lot of people deal with every day. I deal with it every day. speaker-0: And I think one of the major factors, at least in our life, is that we went through a lot of business struggles at the beginning of this whole thing when the kids were very little, just being born one after another. And it wasn't like, okay, that part was taken care of, so let's focus on this. And that's what happens with a lot of younger families because they're trying to grow. the business, the work, the career. And then the kids come in the middle of that. It would be much easier if we could grow the career, get it to a point that we're like, okay, we're comfortable with it now, let's just have kids, right? But which kind of seemed like what's happening with you, but then life had a little detour to throw at us. So when the business and work is super demanding, and then... this whole thing that you're talking about, the hierarchy of priorities, it shifts. And sometimes it feels like, okay, I know you want to be there, but you're not. In reality of the world, you're not. And sometimes I kind of have to kick you out of the house. not going to work, like, where are you here? So it goes back and forth, definitely. But there was a time that it was a struggle, because I would ask you to be home. by 6pm so we can have dinner together every night and you're like, what do mean? I have to be home at 6pm. Like that doesn't work like that. Because you were used to working until 2am, 3am and going crazy hours. speaker-1: Definitely was a shift of everything, but the biggest shift, and I think the most incredible portion of having the necessity, which I believe just shows human resilience, is knowing that you have all that work, knowing you have a startup company or multiple companies or Some companies that are doing well, some are failing, some need your help. know, if you're an entrepreneur, it's there. It's part of your DNA. Stress is part of your DNA. But you add a factor that you're not used to, which is kids and human life and family and wife and all that kind of stuff. And the dog, now we have a dog. It's shift and allows what's the biggest shift has been the ability to manage better. The ability to do what I used to do that took me, all of me, to do it with my pinky now. ability to have the right people on board, to let go of the people that are not serving where you need to be. And making sure you're meetings have purpose, has allowed me to have a more purposeful life, time, my hours, and the output that I put out can touch a lot more than what I did before. And it also allows me to let go of some of the things that I would never let go. I would not go to bed until every single one of my emails was answered and everything was completely done with a bow on it. I couldn't sleep otherwise. I learned to sleep if there's no bow on my emails. And I have the right assistants. And I have two or three assistants that do a lot of work. And they miss some, I miss some, and the world doesn't end. I've realized that. You know, so it goes back to that discussion that we had about perfection. So allowing imperfection and being more malleable. I hit some walls because I was like, what do mean? I didn't get married till I was 50. And I knew exactly how things were supposed to be done. I was extremely successful and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I think I'm so much more successful now because I'm deeply gratified. speaker-0: Yeah. speaker-1: I know I could do so much more. And a lot of things that matter to me don't matter to me as much anymore because it really doesn't matter. So prioritizing what's really important. I really don't care if I drive a Ferrari or not. I like it, it's cool. I have one. I don't drive it. I don't give a shit, to be honest. speaker-0: Well, I think it's easier for you to say because you've been there, you've done that. I mean, you've had all the material success and then now you're at a point that you're like, ⁓ I don't give a shit about it. speaker-1: Not necessarily. There's always more. Trust me. There's always more. And then I go some next step. Well, my own plane. I want to fly private. There's always more. Maybe it's a little easier. I don't know. Maybe because I'm a little older. I don't know. But I think even if a 35-year-old dad has a beautiful child at home, the level of accomplishment versus going home holding that child kind of changes things. And trust me, my drive is still there, if not more than ever. I still get up early in the morning. say, but I changed my routine around. I'm not out of the house. I'm not up at 4.45. I sleep a little bit more. I get up early to do my work. Now I change my workout routine because we have a dog. So I walk the dog, do my work, walk the dog, hang out with the family. change my, you know, I've been able to change things around to accommodate these things. But I honestly think the biggest, even more difficult, what was for me was for you. Someone as a career woman, as an engineer who grew up in a country that you need to produce and you need to be someone and your accolades and having to be a business woman and, you know, You know, have your master's degree at a top university, blah, blah, blah. And part of your DNA is to work. Part of my DNA is to work, but I'm working. But part of your DNA was to work and make that switch a desire. Remember, when you're deciding that I'm not gonna work, my kids are way more important to me. And you went back and forth and back and forth and you change your, you know. I want to work from home, want to do all these back and forths he just said, you know what? I'm just not going to work and I'm going to be okay with it. speaker-0: Well, I wasn't okay with it at the beginning. It took a little bit. I struggled a lot. Because it was like, it was a, I don't know if it's a part of my DNA, but it's something that I was brought up with since I was little. And especially because in our family, especially with my mom, like being successful was a huge thing. So since I was a little kid, that was like ingrained in my brain. speaker-1: I know. Yeah. So it's a part of your DNA. speaker-0: And it became at some point. So it was hard for me to let go. I think I thought about it in another episode that just the idea of a man providing for me was, was like, in my back of my mind was always, what do mean? I have to be independent. I have to make my own money. have to. First of all, in the back of my mind was that men are not to be trusted. How can I be dependent on? a creature that could cheat on me any day or leave me or blah, blah. So I have to protect myself and I have to, I cannot be dependent on a man. And second, it's just a part of my DNA, if you want to call it, that I want to be successful and have something to show for. just like, I don't even know what that means anymore because there's so many layers to success. It could be financial success. It could be... ⁓ just status, whatever, but financial success especially was a huge thing in my mind. speaker-1: I think you, like something didn't make sense to me. You said, well, how can I depend on a man that would cheat on me? Are you saying that if somebody would cheat on you, means that relationship is over? I mean, people could still sit in a relationship, right? People. I mean, I'm just pointing out that how, like, you need to loosen up a little bit. You're so strict. speaker-0: thought we going to have one episode done without me blowing your knee, but no, no, no, no. I'm glad I'm putting on this eels to our, ⁓ All right, backtrack, sorry. I was going somewhere with this conversation. speaker-1: I'm sorry, I just wanted to point out some like you made such like cut and stone kind of a thing. I wanted the audience to know that there should be some flexibility. know, so like don't assume that if that happens, that means that no one's going to support you. Why do you that? an assumption. But yeah, continue. speaker-0: The terrible share I was doing. Adios. You know, I don't think I would ever use a gun, but there are circumstances that I would. kill somebody who would be very close and dear to me. speaker-1: Continue. Let's continue. speaker-0: What was I saying? speaker-1: I don't know, I forgot after the guy. You're saying that you were trained and you shouldn't trust any man that could cheat on you, then you have to make your own money. The typical, a lot of the thought processes that are out there right now is that I cannot depend on a man. speaker-0: I grew up with that mentality. I had a single mom that ⁓ had to, was dependent on a man, but then my dad passed. So she had to figure it out and it took a while for her to be able to comfortably live. So we had a hard time. And my conclusion as a child was that, well, even if a man doesn't cheat on me, which was another thing that I grew up with in my head, but even if that doesn't happen, he could die, you know. So I have to be able to manage and financially be independent. And especially when I have kids, that fear kind of gratified to a level that I was mortified of, like, what if something happened to you or what if we're not together? What if all the what ifs? And if I can't provide and if I can't be financially independent, then my kids have to go through what I went through and my brother went through. So it was a... ⁓ It took a lot of adjustments and a lot of healing and a lot of growth to be able to open up and accept that, first of all, I am always taken care of and I've always been taken care of somehow financially. I don't know how, but it never, whether I worked, I didn't work, my mom worked, didn't work. It's just like since my childhood. money somehow has always been there. So why am I questioning it? But that's more on a cosmic level, on an energetic level. But on a reality of life level, I got to accept that I can control everything. I could be a very independent, successful woman and things take turns, know. Things can change overnight. Especially as I saw you going through the business struggles and all that. I was like, well, he's been a successful businessman for all these years and look at it. Like things can completely flip one day. So that kind of put things into perspective for me. And also I learned to tap more into my feminine grace of receiving, because I didn't learn that ever, that it's an art. to receive and to allow to be taken care of. I never asked for help in my life. I never accepted anybody providing for me or doing anything for me. So we had this conversation with a therapist one day with Eva that I was like, I can't ask for help. And because I don't know how to ask for help, I burn myself to the ground and then I resent and I get upset. that really, that her approach was really helpful to help me open up and get to a point that without assumption and without being closed off, like just allow things to flow, help financials, everything to flow towards me rather than right off the bat closing it off. But yeah, I did struggle with it a lot. I still do. I mean, I one of the reasons we're doing this podcast is that I gotta do something, you know, can't just just be home with kids. Like I can't. There has to be something. speaker-1: And I agree. ⁓ So I think going back, it has a lot to do with people's personalities, upbringing, ⁓ this whole thing, like the struggle between ⁓ working balance, success, kids, family. It has a lot to do with what's in your DNA and what you've been around. ⁓ You, mean, people have been around. ⁓ But... On the other side of the token, was a struggle for me because I always said, you know, my partner, we have to be partners and we have to do things together. you know, and it wasn't a matter of the money per se. mean, money would be great to have an additional income in the house. But it would be the ⁓ the idea of my partner contributes to this. But now, so at the beginning was like You know, my partner has to contribute. She has to contribute. What do you mean? She has to contribute. Like I don't understand. Exactly. And I know it's a lot of work and all that, but it's just because I'm from the same mentality, But now I'm like, you know, I'm so happy we're homeschooling and just the way you bring our kids up, it's just unbelievable. speaker-0: Take care of kids more than country. speaker-1: how connected you are, I'm like, what am I thinking? Even if it means that we live a significantly more modest life, but have that upbringing and that closeness and those relationships with our kids and so forth, it's like, it's a no-brainer. speaker-0: But you know, I think it's hard to draw the line. It's really hard to draw the line because from the perspective of being present, it's hard to draw the line. Like how much presence, especially from a dad or from a mom that's working, how much presence is enough presence? know, taking kids to all their games, is that enough presence? or having dinner together every night is enough presence, or spending two hours with each kid separately on a Saturday is enough. There is so many ways to slice these things that it's it's hard to pick one thing. I mean, we go a lot, we have a lot of variations. At some point it is the bare minimum that in my mind is the bare minimum standard of being present. At some point it becomes like a lot more than It was a week before that. So it varies a lot. But also from the financial standpoint, I mean, there was a time that you were like, you went from saying, I don't want to be home until 10 PM every night to going to, okay, 6 PM, we agreed to it. And then going to the point that you were like, I don't want to work. I just want to be with my kids. I'm going to buy an RV. I'm going to stop working. We'll have a modest life. We'll just travel with them for a few years and then I'll get back to work. So you've had all these. I still do. There is a broad spectrum of okay, whether financially time wise, all that and where we would kind of fit in there or where we draw the line. speaker-1: Now that our kids are growing and they're more vocal and we feel and see the dynamic of what's happening, we pivot. Our son had a really, really bad accident recently and we pivoted. Right? And our daughter starts acting up and she's like, I could feel it. She's, starts pushing me away, meaning that I'm not given enough time. So, you know, so we pivot. And so, so it's really understanding the dynamic of the family and and what's happening and just being able to, but I believe that as long as we're consciously thinking of it, we're consciously present about these changes, we're then able to move around. But if we say, I'm up at 4.45 every morning and that's what I'm gonna do and that's it, and there's no ability to move around, then I think that's where you miss stuff. So I think... you'll miss it. If you're rigid, think it'll be missed because kids are not rigid. cannot. Our kids, our kids accident just threw everything off. Mentally more than anything else and us more than him. You know, I don't know. I mean, I'm sure he has long term effects from it, but but but it's so so we so so things happen. speaker-0: So you think you're rigid. Yeah, life happens, but it's just, even coming here today, I really didn't want to come. I didn't want to leave him. And I had to go back and forth in my mind and have a conversation kind of with myself that, OK, this happened. How much of it is out of reacting to a situation and what happened? And how much of it is that he really, really needs me right now? So if I leave, is he gonna be okay? Most probably, yeah. Could something really go wrong? Probably not, could. Any moment with kids, it could. But probably not. But I really didn't want to come. I wanted to be home. I wanted to be with him. I didn't wanna leave him for two hours, even though two hours doesn't feel much in the grand scheme of things when I'm... homeschooling and when I'm with them all day. But I didn't want to, but I didn't want to, but I had to hold myself up to a commitment that I made that I'm going to be here. So these kind of dualities, it doesn't happen just with a decision of, I'm going to live blah, blah kind of life. I think what you said at the beginning is so spot on that we do have kind of a hierarchy of priorities, but every day, every decision. has to kind of bounce against this standard and then make a decision that, are we going this way or that way? speaker-1: Yeah, I love the fact that every December we kind of regroup and figure out what is our priorities, what's most important, how I'm going to live my life this year, what are my deliverables, and where I want to be. And historically, time after time, health is the number one thing on my list. ⁓ because if I'm not healthy, I'm not going to be present. If I'm not healthy, I'm not going be, you know, it's the... The outcome is I want to have amazing moments with my family, my friends, my surroundings, and be part of the world and help the world. But in order to do that, what are the priorities? And to have healthy kids, how do we do it? So sometimes in the morning, I'm like, oh my God, I don't want to go to the gym. I want to hang out with my family. So I want to miss it. Couple of weeks when our son had an accident, I missed the gym, which I think is normal, but as a whole, the priority is going to, ⁓ I have to go to take care of myself now, first. And then as events happen, we're malleable and we're able to move things around. The most important thing that I have right now to be able to do all this stuff is I am in control of my schedule. I could move my meetings around. Like today, my dad was visiting because of my son and all this stuff. I stayed a little bit longer. I ended up taking all my meetings while I was working out. I was able to kind of rearrange the situation. speaker-0: Yeah, well, that comes from years of just pushing and redlining and not taking a break and not taking a vacation and doing all that stuff. I want for our audience to know that it's not that you're an entrepreneur, so you have this life that you can set your own schedule. There was a time that you couldn't even sleep more than three hours a night because you are an entrepreneur. So you earned that flexibility in the schedule. ⁓ yeah. For now, the crisis. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. But now that I have this, when that, it's not if, it's when that happens, right? I'm looking at another startup, it's 59. You know, I'm looking at, know, which is like, okay, but I know, like to do another, I've done it before, I know what it entails, I know this, and I know what I am gonna do or what I'm not gonna do, who I can bring on. So it's just an evolution. But the duality, I think it exists and the duality is great. Because if he didn't have the duality, that means that you're not thinking about it. speaker-0: There's duality in everything. speaker-1: Everything. Everything. One of my biggest realities is I love flying to Paris for lunch and having this and that and you know, and wearing the nice watches and I love it. I just enjoy it. But I also love, you know, sleeping on, know, ⁓ living in monasteries in the middle of nowhere with nothing and being completely austere. speaker-0: We better do a full episode on that because you've done both. speaker-1: I've done both, but so it's a duality, right? There's a duality. There's a duality of, single life, blah, blah, blah. speaker-0: duality of things. speaker-1: Can you stop kicking your husband? speaker-0: I think by episode 10 this knee is going to be replaced. speaker-1: So there's dualities, of course. But now, on one point, it existed. But always live in everybody's life. the level of happiness, compassion, love, it's so big. none of this stuff, the duality kind of minimizes. But everything's a duality. speaker-0: No, it makes life more exciting and enjoyable. I mean, it's good to have options to kind of compare things if it was this way and if it was the other way and how it would be and where would be the balance in between for each individual person. But I like to... speaker-1: There's a beauty in it. The beauty in balancing that. ⁓ I'm going to spend more time with my family because I feel like I'm not doing enough for them. And then you do so much and you're like, ⁓ didn't make that much of a difference for me to be there or not to be there. Might as well have gone to work. And then you go to work, work, work, work, and they miss your kids. you know, so, you know, I could have not been at work and the staff would have done it or whatever. Like going back and forth and And I think it's it's easier to say, but as I say this, it becomes more in front of me that, you know, it's almost like a struggle. I don't want it to be a struggle. I want it to be a beautiful dance. You know, me looking at how I'm struggling with my time with my family and my work as opposed to like, you know, I'm gonna work and I'm gonna produce. But one thing that I'm clear about is that the lesson for the children, that my dad or my mom, in this case my dad, respects work, respects the fact that we have to produce, respects the fact that we're gonna leave this world a better place that we found it, respects the fact that commitment is a commitment. Those lessons, even though I might not be there next to them, what they see is what they learn. And it's not what we say that they learn, it's what we do. And it's been very clear to my kids, they're like parents. If they do shit, I'm like... And some of it is not good. I'm like, oh my God. They got that from me, holy shit. I'm such an asshole. know, like, oh, I'm so weak. whatever it might be, fear or anger or whatever it might be, it's just they are a mirror image. People usually tell me this all the time. ⁓ the kids are gonna be your mirror. You're gonna learn so much about yourself. I'm what the fuck you talking about? And now my daughter is like a carbon copy of me No, you know, and I'm like, ⁓ my god, you know, she's wild like My parents deal with me. ⁓ my god, you know, so yeah speaker-0: plan. Yeah, but the work ethic and all that that you were talking about, I can tell this because I know your dad and you pretty much, you and your brother both got it from him. But then one of the struggles of your childhood, I know that he was not present. So he had high work ethic and he produced a lot and he was one of the best doctors in Iran, blah, blah, blah. But then... there was a shadow of that as well. So it's good to be conscious of both sides. speaker-1: The thing is, he was not conscious of it. And what I learned from that is to be conscious of it. I had an argument with my dad. I never have arguments with my dad, like a big argument with my dad over my son's accident. And the biggest thing I learned from my dad is not to be like him. know, which is great. I'm not talking... There's some aspects of it, yeah. I'm not talking shit about my dad. I'm just like, but I am. There's things that I did wrong that I never want to do wrong. speaker-0: and some narrative. speaker-1: And I'm sure I'm doing things wrong now that my kids would probably learn from. But one thing I do believe that generations run through us and we have a responsibility to clean, instead of passing on everything that comes to us to the next generation, clean it, filter it, and let the good things go through and let the not so good things. be there and not pass it on. I think generationally and what we teach our children, which is ethics, work ethics, what we do to others, how we treat others, giving, contribution, all this other stuff that we try to do in our lives and teach our children, there's a lot of things that come down from the Aramaic. People say that there's like seven generations that we pass on every single time. Right? And I don't think all that's been passed on to us is good. Certainly a lot of stuff that was passed on with my parents to me was not great. And some things were great. So the ability to understand what we pass on and what we don't is one of our major jobs in our lifetime, in my lifetime. speaker-0: Yeah, I agree with that, but I also know that you put a lot of pressure on yourself for that. Because, I mean, we're not, I don't think we're supposed to just pass down all the good and pretty to our kids. You know, they're supposed to have struggle, they're supposed to have trauma, they're supposed to, how are they gonna grow if they don't? speaker-1: I'm not saying, no, no, no, I'm not saying that, you know, let him grow, but there's certain stuff that's been passed on to us that we have an obligation to decipher if it's good or not and not pass it along. Right? I do not want to pass along the fact that my dad wasn't present and had no clue that it was not present. I don't want to do that. As we age, as the world ages, I believe so many new challenges come. We never had AI before. Now the kids have to figure out what's real, what's not real. Let them struggle with that. Great, that's a good struggle. Let them struggle with the new things that come into their lives. And my job is to try not to pass on a lot of the things that has been passed on to me. I think it's very difficult because we don't... I'm sure everyone had realized a whole bunch of stuff that's been passed on to me to clean up before I let it pass on to my kids. I tried, but I truly believe that ⁓ that's one of our obligations in this lifetime to do. speaker-0: Going back to when we were talking about living up to our commitments versus being a little more flexible to accommodate kids and family and all that, I had a really hard time even working out for the first five years after I became a mom. I could not, I mean, one part of it is that I have an advantage of having a slim body no matter what. but also it becomes a disadvantage because I can get really weak without having to step foot in the gym because it just looks good. And it was a big struggle for me to even get myself to the gym to take care of my body, let alone, I think it's a little different for moms versus dads. I mean, it's a different story if it's a working mom, but for dads, just because of that, ⁓ more masculine energy, testosterone, all that, it makes it maybe a little more clear and straightforward that I gotta do that. And for moms, because of the nurturing energy and the kids and the attachment and all that, just becomes, it was very difficult for me. Like right now I go to the gym one or twice a week and I really try hard to not miss it. But it happens a lot that I'm about to leave the door and somebody starts crying and I miss the class. You know, and it's a real challenge for me, just as small as it sounds, to take care of my body versus the kids. And that translates into a lot of things every day. It translates into me not sleeping at night. It translates into me not wanting to even take a break to go take a nap, knowing that if I do it, it's better for everybody. I'm going to feel better. I'm going to... act better, I'm going to be a better mom, and I'm going to be happier when you get home. So it's like all around better for everybody. But I don't give myself the permission to do that, because that means I'm going to leave the kids and do this. it's just a lot of it is conscious, but a big portion of it for me is just the programming that I'm not supposed to be a certain way or I can't just let myself. take it easy, and then when it gets to a point that you say that, I wanted a partner that both of us contribute, then I'm sure it's not easy for me to hear, and it's not easy for a lot of people to hear that, ⁓ you think only working outside the house is contribution? Like, let's switch roles for two days and see what happens. No, please. It is a challenge to work and take care of a family, but it's also a challenge to just be home. A lot of times I'm like, wish I would just go to work and I didn't have to deal with this right now. It's a mental load, you know. speaker-1: Adafelic. Oh yeah, I believe. I think I've been saying this to you again, again, depends on who you are. You as a human being, a person, I've always told you, you need to do something else, right? It doesn't mean that you don't like your kids or you're not giving all of you. You being gone two hours a day or three hours a day is really not going to make a significant impact on their lives, but it's going to make a significant impact in your quality of life which allows you to be better, stronger, just kind like what you said, the times that you're there. speaker-0: I'm trying to, there are two things that I kind of bring to my conscious mind a lot. One is that ⁓ there was a doctor that, ⁓ child psychologist, that I listened to her interview and somebody asked her, Dr. Becky, somebody asked her about mom guilt. And she said, we don't, it's not a guilt, we just call it a guilt. A definition of a guilt is somebody doing something that's against their values. And do you think going out or working out like two hours a week or leaving your kids for an hour a day or going out with your mom friends just to like have a connection, human connection like a normal person, is that against your values? And if it's not, for most of moms it's not, then it's not guilt. It's just a momentary discomfort. And because as moms we try to really pick up other people's discomforts and make it our own so they won't be uncomfortable, then we just call it guilt. It's really just not. So I think about everything, I wanted to come here. I ask myself, is it against my values to go and do something that makes me feel good and productive for two hours a week? And the answer is no. So I pick myself up and come. And the other thing that really has helped me in the last year or so with not working but trying to be productive or doing something is that I think about Elon Musk's mom a lot. I don't know why this woman just kind of entered my mind somehow. And maybe because Elon Musk is like a definition of a very successful man nowadays. So I think about her because she had to pick up three kids and get a divorce and run away from a very abusive relationship and move to another country and change cities and be a single mom and go through poverty and all that stuff. But now when you look at her, I mean, she is somebody that has defied the odds and that has broken her own limitations. And to me, I keep reminding myself that the amount of power that that those actions and breaking self-limitations, transfers to the kids and what they learn from that, it's unmatched by anything else. So the caring and the nurturing and all that is great. But for me, showing up here in front of camera, in front of microphone and sharing my life story is something that I would rather die and not do because I'm very introverted by nature. And I want to do it because I fear it. And if I fear something, I want to step up and overcome it. So I feel like that would, me breaking my own limitations would pass something to my kids. That's an example of what to live by. Tony Robbins always says, if you think you can't, then you must. And I think about it a lot. speaker-1: I agree for the most part. I just question your definition of success and if Elon Musk is really successful. I know him. speaker-0: Do we want to go there? It is something that by a lot of people's standards has achieved high amount of, I he has contributed a lot to humanity. Absolutely. He has created things that for years and for generations has changed the course of human life. So that kind of success I mean. Not the success of having 11 kids from 9 different women, no not that. speaker-1: But, but... Or living a life of pure anxiety. ⁓ speaker-0: I meant in a way of setting standards for breaking barriers and making a positive change in the world. speaker-1: So I still think there's a balance. I think there's a balance of you could break your own barriers. mean, success to some people, to someone who's paraplegic is to be able to write with their mouth. Success to... a kid who's got cerebral palsy or success, everybody has a different definition of success. So in our lives, what is a definition of success of going back to the original question of duality? And the balance of duality of knowing, for example, staying out of the house two or three hours when you homeschool your kids is probably not gonna make a any difference in their lives. In fact, it might be a really good break for them from you to do the things that they want to do and have ice cream and do the shit that they're not supposed to do and, you know, feel mischievous and all that and come back and they've still learned the same. They still have the same amount of love. They got love from somebody else other than you. This way they learn how to get love. Blah, blah, blah, blah, And you were able to become a more satisfied woman. for working out or doing something you love or contributing or making money or whatever it might be that you want to do. As opposed to somebody that has, I used to have an employee that she, the kid was born and three months out she was back at work. And she left the three month old kid for eight hours a day or nine hours a day. speaker-0: lot of people do that. In the US, that's like a normal thing. speaker-1: And that's the other end of the spectrum, right? So I don't know how those kids turn out. They might turn out absolutely fine, I'm not sure. It's the dynamic of what you think is the right amount and that what your duality is as a person, or my duality is, or whoever else's duality is. So I don't think duality is a bad thing. and balancing out a duality and living with it and realizing that you are living in this duality and is normal is the winner as opposed to somebody who struggles with duality. speaker-0: think my takeaway from this conversation is what you said to kind of retranslate this whole duality from being a challenge or struggle into kind of a dance that we have to kind of bounce between two walls and find a way. And I always look at it, looked at it historically as a struggle. And I'm going to... keep that in mind and every time I feel stressed out or fearless struggle a bit, kind of re-translated in my brain that I just need to dance a little bit. It will make me feel better. speaker-1: I Our definitions and the meanings that we give situations and the decisions that we make by the meanings that we give a situation is how we live our lives. I keep saying that over and over again. So the meaning of duality, if you say, it's so bad and I live in duality. and the decisions that you make is that I am not gonna live in duality and I'm gonna just do one thing. speaker-0: Just finding the nature. speaker-1: So the definition that we give things, like definition that we give duality can change the course on how we live with duality and what we do. If I say to myself, ⁓ my God, I'm having such a duality, I don't know what's right and I'm confused and I don't know what to do and just completely be in a miserable state all the time because of the definition I gave it. And then I make a decision on a living a certain way and that's all I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna work and make sure I work and produce. you want to be the other versus if I give the meaning that duality is normal, it's a beautiful part of life. That's what keeps life going and passion and change and variety. And I'm in the middle of it and we're doing it and it's life and it's beautiful. And the decision I make is speaker-0: one speaker-1: to live that way or whatever. speaker-0: Doesn't have to be one way or another. speaker-1: Yeah, these are two different decisions because of the meanings that we gave, the same exact thing. speaker-0: I'm going to give it a meaning that, ⁓ I feel the duality and it feels exciting and I'm going to dance. speaker-1: Are you gonna dance? speaker-0: Yeah, you still decide to dance. speaker-1: I wanna feel like the duality of... ⁓ speaker-0: We're done. Thank you so much for watching. See you next time. speaker-1: Bye bye.