Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Handle a Boss Who Gaslights You
Transcript
- Lucas: So you have a boss who says things like 'I never said that' or 'You're remembering it wrong' or 'That meeting didn't happen the way you think it did' — and it happens frequently enough that you start to doubt your own memory. Luna: Yeah, that's a specific kind of awful. And I think a lot of people don't even have a name for it — they just feel crazy. Lucas: Right. And the clinical term is gaslighting. It comes from the 1944 film 'Gaslight' where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she's losing her mind. In a workplace, it's a pattern where your boss systematically distorts or denies reality to make you question your perception, judgment, and competence. Luna: It's not just a bad boss being forgetful. There's a method to it. Lucas: Exactly. And that's important because if you treat it as ordinary miscommunication, you'll try to fix it with better communication — which actually makes it worse with a gaslighter. They feed on your effort to be clearer. Luna: So what's a concrete example? I mean, how does this actually play out in an office? Lucas: Let's use a real case I heard about from a mid-sized tech company. A product manager named Priya had a boss who would, in one-on-ones, tell her to pursue a certain feature. She'd take notes, send a follow-up email summarizing the decision. Then two weeks later, in a project post-mortem, the boss would say, 'I never approved that. You went rogue.' Luna: Oof. So the boss rewrites history and she's left holding the bag. Lucas: Right. And the worst part — Priya started to wonder, 'Did I misunderstand? Did he really not say that?' And that's the gaslight working. She's a sharp, detail-oriented person, but the constant denial eroded her confidence. Luna: So what did she do? Lucas: She came up with what I now call the 'three-step documentation protocol.' Step one: during the meeting itself, she'd take handwritten notes in a bound notebook — not a digital doc, because those can be edited or deleted. Step two: immediately after, she'd write a one-paragraph recap in an email to herself, timestamped, from her personal email account — not her work one, because the boss could access her work inbox. Luna: That's smart. Create a record outside the boss's control. Lucas: Exactly. Step three: once a week, she'd compile those recaps into a single document and forward it to a trusted colleague — someone outside her chain of command — as a 'just in case' reference. That gave her a third-party witness to the pattern. Luna: I love that. It's not about catching the boss in a lie — it's about having your own reality anchored. Lucas: Right. And it works because gaslighting relies on isolation. If you're the only one who remembers a different version, the boss can say you're the problem. But if you have a written, timestamped, externally stored trail, the gaslighter's power collapses. Luna: What about the 'trusted witness' technique? I've heard that term. Lucas: That's a separate move, but it complements the documentation. Essentially, you identify one person in the organization — could be a peer, a mentor, a former boss — who you can go to and say, 'Hey, I want to run a situation by you. Does this sound right?' You're not asking them to intervene. You're just checking your calibration. Luna: Because the gaslighter wants you to think your perception is uniquely flawed. Having someone say, 'No, that does sound off' — that's gold. Lucas: Exactly. And the trusted witness doesn't need to confront the boss. They just need to validate that your reality is plausible. Over time, that external validation rebuilds your internal compass. Luna: Okay, but what about people who are in a situation where the gaslighting is extreme — like, the boss is actively rewriting performance reviews or denying they gave you a rating? Lucas: That's a different escalation. When gaslighting starts affecting your official record, you're entering constructive dismissal territory. At that point, you need to involve HR, but you need to do it strategically. Luna: What's the strategy? Lucas: First, never go to HR with a complaint about 'gaslighting' — that word triggers a lot of defensiveness. Instead, present your documentation as a factual discrepancy. Say, 'I have a record of this meeting where we agreed on X. The performance review says Y. Can you help me understand the gap?' Frame it as confusion, not accusation. That gets HR into investigator mode rather than defense mode. Luna: Right, because HR's first instinct is to protect the company, not the employee. Lucas: Exactly. And you want to make it easy for them to see the pattern without feeling like you're attacking the boss. If your documentation is solid, the pattern speaks for itself. Luna: What about the emotional toll? I mean, this stuff grinds you down. Lucas: It does. And I think that's the part people underestimate. Gaslighting isn't just a professional problem — it's a psychological one. It messes with your sense of self. So part of the survival strategy is to actively protect your mental health outside of work. That might mean talking to a therapist who can help you untangle what's real, or simply building in more routines that ground you in your own competence. Luna: Like, do a hobby where you can see tangible results — woodworking, gardening, writing code that compiles. Lucas: Yes. Something with a clear cause and effect. Because at work, the cause and effect is being deliberately scrambled. You need a place where your actions produce predictable outcomes. That rebuilds the muscle of confidence. Luna: And I'm guessing this is also a situation where you might consider leaving. Like, at a certain point, the documentation and the trusted witness are just buying time. Lucas: Absolutely. I think the documentation is partly about protecting yourself while you job-search. Because the sad truth is, most gaslighters don't change. They have a pattern that works for them. Your best move might be to get a better offer and leave. Luna: And the documentation helps if they try to give you a bad reference. Lucas: Right. You can't control what they say behind your back, but you can have a record of the discrepancies if you need to contest something. It's insurance. Luna: Okay, so I want to pause on one thing. You mentioned earlier that trying to 'communicate better' with a gaslighter backfires. Can you unpack that? Lucas: Sure. A gaslighter relies on ambiguity. When you say, 'Let me clarify what I heard,' you're actually giving them more material to twist. They'll say, 'I never said that, you're being defensive,' and now you're on the back foot. The better move is to state your reality calmly and then stop. Don't over-explain. Don't JADE — justify, argue, defend, or explain. Luna: So just: 'I have a note that says X. We can revisit if you'd like, but that's what I have.' Lucas: Exactly. And then let the silence sit. Gaslighters hate silence because they lose control of the narrative. If you don't fill the space with self-doubt, they have to deal with your reality. Luna: That takes a lot of nerve, though. Especially if you're early in your career and you don't have a lot of power. Lucas: It does. And that's why the documentation is so important — it's a crutch for your nerve. When you know you have the receipts, it's easier to hold the silence. Luna: I think a lot of listeners right now are probably recognizing this dynamic and feeling validated that it has a name. Lucas: That's the goal. Because once you name it, you can start to navigate it. And you're not crazy. Luna: And speaking of navigating — if this show has helped you name a difficult dynamic or make a career move you were unsure about, I'll say a quick thing. A handful of listeners help keep this podcast ad-free by chipping in on buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's a small group, but it covers the basics of producing this many episodes. Lucas: Yeah, and it means we don't have to run ads or chase sponsors. So if you find value here and want it to stay independent, that's the way. No pressure — just mentioning it because we're listener-supported. Luna: Right. So back to the topic — one more tactic I want to mention: when a gaslighting boss tries to rewrite a conversation in front of others, you can use what I call 'the public record move.' Lucas: What's that? Luna: After the boss says something that contradicts what you remember, you say, 'Interesting, I have a different recollection. Let's check the notes from that meeting — I think Sarah took them.' You're not saying the boss is wrong. You're appealing to a neutral third-party record. It signals that you have an evidence-based approach without being confrontational. Lucas: That's really good. And it works especially well if you have an ally in the room who can back you up. But even if you don't, just the act of referencing a shared document can make the gaslighter hesitate. Luna: Exactly. They thrive in the unrecorded space. So drag everything into the light. Lucas: Alright, I think we've given people a solid toolkit here. Summary: document outside the boss's reach, find a trusted witness, don't over-explain, and when it's bad enough, use your documentation to protect yourself while you exit. And if you're in the thick of it now — you're not crazy. Trust your notes. Luna: Trust your notes. I like that. Thanks, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. Talk to everyone next time.