Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / Back to the DMV. Twice.

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Back to the DMV. Twice. · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over:
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, you guys. I have the wildest story. Do you remember when I shared about my oldest child getting their license and how much work it was going to the DMV and dealing with the lady and also all compassion because that is an intense job. Well, it was finally time for this second child. So this is huge.
• 1:25
  He's been waiting and waiting and waiting and has worked so hard to be able to do this. And, also, autism. So we have had some practice runs. We have gone to the driver place to look at the outside of the building. We have gone to the driver place and walked in just to pretend we were picking up a driver's manual.
• 1:48
  We actually already had it. But that way, it could be normal, and he could see where things were. I drew on paper before we went where, like, the layout, like, this is where the door is. This is where the seats are. This is where you pick a number, this is where the bathrooms are, this is the big open space, and here is like the row of the little windows that you get called up to.
• 2:14
  So he was able to go in and kind of look around so he could get the view from all angles, and then we left again. We didn't do it that day. But we had these little introductions at his own pace, by his own request, of how to get ready and prepare for what's going on, because the lady at the window will not let me help them. She says, and rightly so, if they are ready to drive, they are ready to do the appointment by themselves. So so this is what he wanted, the support he needed to be ready.
• 2:53
  We also talked about it with this IEP teacher and walked through all the things, and this was the plan. So part of this is that we cannot predict who he's going to actually talk to. At the place where we live, there are two windows. There are two options, two women. One of them was the one we dealt with before who was not thrilled with us, and the other lady is someone that we don't know anything about because we never interacted with her.
• 3:24
  And, also, I wanna make sure we're not dissing the first woman because what really happened is that she rightly has to be so careful about IDs and all the things because it's verifying your identity. Right? And our family, when we go in for driver's licenses or passports, it's a hot mess because we have adoptions, because we have marriage, because we have divorce, because we have all these things, all of which involve name changes. So, like, I have a birth name. I have an adoption name.
• 4:00
  I have another birth certificate where my mother adopted me. My name did not change, and we dropped my father off the birth certificate. And then I have my marriage and my name changed with that, and then the divorce where my legal name is what it is now. So it's all complicated and also completely valid, nothing shady, but it is a lot of paperwork. And to turn in all of that paperwork and to also track his birth certificate and his adoption and his new birth certificate and his passport since, like all of the different things, it is so much paperwork, and it really stressed her out.
• 4:46
  So I wanna be clear that even though that was an unpleasant interaction last time, it was really because of us, and I can take full responsibility for that. And also using what I've learned from ACA, it's not actually my responsibility. It's really just trauma, right? So I don't want to weaponize trauma against myself because of my name changes or anything. And also, I can be responsible for making sure I have all of my documents when we go to the DMV.
• 5:19
  So it was now my next kiddo's turn, and we did all this prep work to get him ready, talking through everything, looking at all his documents, and explaining what all of it is. The kids have seen all of this before. This is a little side quest. But to be clear, when they were still in foster care, all of our kids, when they were still in foster care, I attended every single court appearance that their parents had, and each time I got a new document about what the case was about, what the charges were, or what was going on, the progress the parents had made or not, all of these documents from the court. So I just saved all of those.
• 6:03
  And so each kiddo has their own box where not just like all the childhood drawings they did and all of that, I saved all of that for them, but also all of their court documents. So the older kids have been old enough now, and this is a whole story I haven't really shared about it, and don't want to go in-depth because it's really their privacy, but they have been through their boxes, and they have access to their boxes now because they're old enough to do so. So they are learning the details of their own story. And also, this was new for us to be like, this is your passport. This is your passport card.
• 6:40
  This is your social security card. Here are all the documents, your birth certificate, your adoption papers, your new birth certificate, and all of this stuff that happens with adoption and name changes and IDs and all the things. Right? So explaining to him. He also had some practice with these documents when he got a job.
• 7:04
  So all three of the triplets, I don't know what you've heard, all three of the triplets have jobs. They love them. They work at different places, and it is really the first time that they were all doing the same thing because triplets developmentally, not by birth, but developmentally, they're all the same age. Those three are all juniors in high school. And so they all have jobs, but for the first time, they're doing different things.
• 7:34
  So they all have jobs, but different jobs. So it's been really interesting because they're really experiencing for the first time that, yes, I have to do this at my job, but here's how we do it. And I have to do this at my job, but here's how we do it. So kind of learning very naturally how not to be shiny, happy about things. Does that make sense?
• 7:54
  So it's a big deal for them and also continuing to develop and grow as they transition into adulthood, which is huge. And everybody kinda has a plan now. Even the twins who are getting ready to go into high school are really transitioning into here's what I wanna do with my life, and here are the steps of how I get there. And it's kind of amazing. So when they got jobs, they had to fill out the paperwork with their IDs and their w nines and all those kinds of things.
• 8:29
  Right? So they had to show their documents already and just learning about what does all of this mean and what is going on has been such a learning curve for this one in particular. But he is doing great. There have been some issues of tracking where the documents are. I mean, I keep all their documents in a safe, but I mean, like, if you get your ID from school, you have to not lose your ID or repay a fine.
• 9:00
  If you lose your driver's permit, you have to go get another one and pay a fine, or you can't drive. Right? So they're all three having to learn these very pragmatic skills. So for this one in particular, all the name changes and documents is a big deal. So being able to go present these documents and share with them these documents and all the things, it's just epic, okay?
• 9:27
  In the world of autism, even though he's so what they call high functioning, which I think is still ableist, but I don't want to speak for the autism community because it's not my experience, but I know people who could have conversations about this. So different side quests, staying focused on this story for him to prepare to go to the DMV, which also includes waiting and also includes the overstimulation of all the people around him in the crowd, it's a big deal. And, also, it was time for him to go because it was his turn for driving school. Here, they don't have driver's ed in the school hours. It's outside the school hours.
• 10:13
  You have to get registered. You have to pay this big cost, and you have to, you have to pay almost $600, and they have this whole, like, three hour course they take so many days in a row or so many weekends in a row to get them ready for the written test. And then also on the weekends, they have they take turns driving for, like, an hour at a time. So because it was his turn for driving school, he had to get the permit because he can start the class without the permit, but he can't do the driving hours without the permit. And they want them to start that right away.
• 10:54
  So it was finally his turn, and he had an entire semester of As and Bs, which is huge. That was one of the goals all the triplets had for getting that little bit of discount on car insurance, which is going to be epic adding five teenagers over the next few years. Right? So preparing for that, getting their own insurance, and having these jobs to pay for their insurance and now whatever kind of phone they want instead of just the parent phone. Like, it's all so much excitement happening in their lives.
• 11:30
  But the biggest thing is your turn for driving school. And, oh my goodness, he was so excited. But because it was time for driving school, it was officially time to go get the permit. So we did these practice runs. We did this prep work.
• 11:45
  We talked with the school and his team. We talked with him. We talked with the pediatrician. Like, everybody was on the same page because with autism, we want all the supports in place so all the functioning is there, and big feelings can come out in healthy ways and all the things. It was amazing.
• 12:06
  We were as ready as we could be. So there was a day when the other kids were doing an activity where I could take just him, so lessening stimulation. He was ready, and we could go to the DMV. We got there. He was so ready.
• 12:23
  He walked in. He wanted help getting the ticket. I just walked him through it, but let him do it, and he got his ticket. He found seats for where he wanted us to sit. We sat down, and we waited for over an hour and a half, which is what happens at the DMV.
• 12:42
  For those who don't live here, it stands for Department of Motor Vehicles, the DMV. It is such a trope. It's known for being very precise, which means you have to have exact papers in the exact order because it does verify your identity, of course. And also, it's known famously for taking hours and hours and hours and hours of drudgery. So we waited patiently.
• 13:09
  We had a little visit. It was lovely. Finally, his number came up, and I thought he was going to jump through the ceiling. When they did the ding sound and announced his number, it was like he jumped out of his skin, and he panicked and froze of like, what can I do? So like breathing, we're getting through it.
• 13:29
  They do his number again because we're just trying to stand up calmly. He's so nervous. It's scary being at the DMV. I get that. I don't mean this in shaming in any way.
• 13:40
  And yes, I have permission to tell this story. So we finally get him up to the window, and we have all of our paperwork ready. And she's going through it, And she's like, wait. I need help with this. And so she goes to get her supervisor.
• 14:01
  She comes in. The two of them are looking at it. We're walking them through. This is what this is. This is who I am.
• 14:07
  Here's my IDs. Here's my paperwork. Here's his paperwork. Here's what we're trying to do. It took so long, and also, they were very kind.
• 14:17
  We got the other lady we had not had before. She was very sweet, was very patient with us. He had to answer and check his special box that says he has autism or that references autism. And also, he passed the little thing. He did the eye test.
• 14:35
  Everything was ready. We got all the way to the end. And then at the last step, oh, at the last step, they said no because the driver's school had not sent in his enrollment. Even though we had done our part and we even had the paper that showed we had done our part. The school had not sent in his information.
• 14:59
  And so they wouldn't let him get it, and he was devastated. It was so sad. He was so disappointed. It was like this kid, six foot one, crumbled up in my lap, sobbing like a little one because he was my little one. And, oh my goodness, it was so sad and awful, and also just breathing and brushing his hair and scratching his back.
• 15:28
  And we're just being in that moment, and it was so sad. What is unspoken in this moment is that it was very important to him that he got the permit before Christmas. Here's why it matters. His birthday being right before Christmas, but then the other triplet who hasn't had driving school yet, his birthday is right after Christmas. So if he can't get it before Christmas, he is at risk for not getting to do it before the other my middle son.
• 16:07
  Now, y'all, in the world of sibling rivalry dynamics, this is huge. Like, in this moment, I don't know if it's like he thinks he has lost the race or the other one always wins before. Like, how big those feelings and what thoughts he was saying, I'm just gonna leave all of that because that's his story to tell. But I have permission to say that is part of the dynamics. It was an epic moment.
• 16:37
  He was so excited to show off. He had told his friends he was getting it. So to have to leave without it, he just was so devastated, and it was so sad. We finally get home. I tend to him.
• 16:52
  Ice cream may have been involved, and I call the driving school. When they finally get back to me, it turns out that they don't send it until ten days before the class starts, and we went to the DMV twelve days before the class started. Oh my goodness. I can't even. But the reason we went twelve days ahead, the reason we went early was because the holidays, we didn't know yet that the flood was coming, but we went because we knew the holidays were coming, and I didn't want to track on their days off what days the DMV was open or not, or like the mass influx of all the parents needing to get the permits and for it being extra busy.
• 17:41
  So we just did it the very first morning they were out of school on end of year break. Well, it turns out that was too early. So then we had to go back a second time. And, yes, the second time, we get the first lady. Oh my goodness.
• 18:02
  My child who did so amazing the first round sees that he got someone else. He doesn't even know that this is the one that I'm afraid of. He just sees that it's someone else, which is a change, which is a big deal for the world of autism and not acceptable in the world of autism that you get called up to talk to someone else. We had talked about it before, but I did not talk about that again before we went in. I think in my head, I just thought we've already worked through that part of the plan.
• 18:38
  We're moving forward to the next thing. I did not think I should refresh that or remind him or say again, hey. We don't know who we're gonna get at the counter, and there's no way for us to do anything about it. He would not move. We couldn't get him to stand up.
• 18:56
  I had to go get another number to recheck us again because they skipped our number because we didn't get up to the counter fast enough. So I am sitting with him, and I'm trying to find language to explain there's nothing we can do about this. We just have to go with who he calls. So we come up with two plans. One plan is that we can just Al Anon it.
• 19:20
  He knows about Al Anon. We're talking about Al Anon as a family. It's been so helpful for us after everything we've been through. And so, like, with Al Anon, we know we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Right?
• 19:34
  So we can't do anything about this. So one plan is we can just Al Anon it. The other plan is that we can just keep getting a number until we get the other lady. If that's what matters to him, we can just keep going through numbers and keep waiting and waiting and waiting in hopes that we get the other lady. But we also can't control that.
• 19:59
  We can't ensure that that will for sure happen. And so we are going through the numbers, and that's his plan. And then finally, it's getting close enough to time that they're gonna close. And I'm like, buddy, if we don't just go the next time they call our number, we're going to have to come back tomorrow. And then they're closed the next day, and then we're gonna have to come back.
• 20:24
  Like, we can't just keep doing this. What do you want to do about this? Or, okay, we can keep doing that. If that's what you prefer, whatever helps, you get to decide for yourself. That's part of being 17 is that you get your own choice.
• 20:40
  And so he's like, we're going to Allen on it. I'm going to do it. Next time we get up there, I'm just going to do it, and it's all going to be okay. And so then he's regulated, but then I'm, like, absorbing all of this, and I am dysregulated because I am so scared of that first lady. And, you know, like, if we go back five or ten years ago, I couldn't even leave my house unless I had to.
• 21:08
  Right? I was so overstimulated from the hospitals and all the parenting and all the different things that I didn't wanna so for me to be doing this is such a big deal. And I just was like, okay. Don't have a panic attack because he just needs his permit. How hard can this be?
• 21:27
  Y'all, sure enough, that's who we got. The next one was for her, and he's like, mom, let's just Allen on this. And I'm like, oh, And I'm not breathing. I'm trying not to have a panic attack. He gets up faster than I can even register what's happening and marches himself up there.
• 21:48
  By the time by the time I get there, he's already in some sweet, charming conversation with her, has completely disarmed her in the most sweetest way. And she sees me and is like, oh my goodness, I remember you and your names and your paperwork, which causes me to bust out laughing. And my son is like, yeah. Yeah. Our whole family, it's a whole thing.
• 22:15
  And so then they're both laughing. The supervisor comes over. She also remembers me, looks through his paperwork, and it turns out that the first lady that we saw the first time actually saved everything else. So he does not have to redo the test. He doesn't have to reselect all the options like organ donor or the autism thing or all the different things.
• 22:38
  She saved his eye test. She did everything. So this time, he doesn't actually have to do anything except for pay for the thing. They're able to find the form from the driver's school. All of his paperwork is in order.
• 22:54
  And then ultimately, we were in and out of there in like two minutes. I'm not even kidding. And we're leaving, and he's like, man, she was the nicest person. And he said, you should probably retell this story because in the beginning, we thought she was really scary, and it turned out she was really nice. And I was like, that's actually the whole point.
• 23:18
  It was the paperwork that's hard. It's all the IDs that's hard. It's all the name changes and court orders and all of this that's difficult because trauma and it's trauma that's hard, not the people. It's trauma that's bad, not the people. And it was such a profound lesson, and that's really all I have to share, but it was such a it was such a powerful moment.
• 23:46
  And now is such a story in our family. We just really wanted to share. And, also, congratulations to him. He finally has his permit.
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing.