Latest / High Five Hot Mess Podcast / We Hit Every Goal. Still Not Happy. Here's Why.
Transcript
- High Five Hot Mess Podcast: So listen, I was walking around the grocery store this week thinking about every decision I've ever made in my entire life since kindergarten and questioning everything. And then it suddenly hit me like, I'm not an unhappy person. I think I'm just really tired. Like I'm tired of all the chasing and the doing, right? And I think that if I really look at it, making my goals does not make me happy. but not making my goals isn't making me happy either. So what exactly is the issue? And I honestly think I've been doing this my entire life, as many of us probably have, but the example I'll use is Weight Watchers. So I was in Weight Watchers from the fifth grade until my mid to late 40s, and I kind of had this epiphany that every single time I went and I would chase my goal, You you have to go, you weigh in. I'd strip down as naked as the law would allow to make sure I made that goal weight. And then as soon as I made my goal weight and I left, I was not a different person. Like my life did not miraculously change. I didn't, you know, wake up a millionaire. And what I just came to understand was I really thought that once I hit a goal, once I hit that number, so same hope, different number, I thought I would miraculously fix my life. I thought my confidence, my relationships, that I would have more friends, that people would be more accepting of me. ⁓ And every single time it just didn't, like none of it worked, right? You feel amazing for like a minute, you high five all these strangers in this room, and then everything would kind of go back to the way it was. And it just, really... hits you when you're kind of like, okay, so if not, if this doesn't work, I'm gonna set another goal. I'm gonna do something else. And I look around at all my friends and you guys, this is what we're all doing. We're all like, okay, if I get this job, I'll be happy. If I get this relationship, I'll be happy. If I can fit into these genes, it will make me happy, right? And I think, guys, I have to question, are humans even capable of knowing what makes us happy? I don't... Right. And I'm not going to know, right. But I definitely want to talk about it. So let's get Lisa Smith in on this and let's have a conversation. Hey, welcome to the High Five Hot Mess podcast. I'm Lisa Wilson and I'm Lisa Smith. And if you're somebody who got the job, got the car, got more money, found the relationship you realize and you're still not really feeling it, this episode is for you because we're right there with you. How's your week been? You know what? It's actually been really good. I've had a good week. ⁓ You know, just like any other week, some ups and downs, right? ⁓ But for the most part, I had a lot of gratitude this week. Things could definitely be worse. Yeah. So I've had a lot of gratitude, a lot of thankful moments. This week was a big week. It was, you know, we had a lot going on, some fun things to celebrate. And I had a lot of people, you know, come out of the woodwork to celebrate along with me and my family. And so there's a lot of fun things. So good week. Really good week. So as you know, I have been down the internet rabbit hole on all things happiness. And I'm going to take a minute just to kind of catch everybody up on what I'm talking about. Cause that's all I've been talking about. I have this thing where like when I'm into something, it's my whole personality. And I think that kind of everybody does this. So I was scrolling Instagram, like we do, trying to figure out how to fix what I didn't know. I didn't know what this feeling was. And I'm like, what is up? And I found this account called at soul mind hub and it is a ⁓ and I recommend everybody sign up for it because it's got some really smart things on there. But I discovered this person, her name is Lori Santos and he says, I'm not going to get all Ted talky. I promise. This is just a quick introduction to what I thought was a mind blowing concept that we're going to talk more about today. But so Lori Santos is a teacher. She's a cognitive behavioral scientist and she teaches the most. popular class ever at Yale University. And I was like, why? Like, what is it? Well, the class, and by the way, it's also free online. So it's basically all about happiness, right? And she asked us one question. She was like, okay, if humans were capable of choosing what makes them happy, why are they so unhappy? And I was like, that's Sarah. That's a really good point. It rang all my bells because I told you, I've been in this place where I'm like, just, it's not that I'm unhappy. I think I'm just a little bit tired and honestly, a little bit overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. Like, just, can't figure out what it is. Right. So in listening to her, she basically says that our brains, human brains were not designed to choose happiness. They were designed to survive. Right. And. You have to save yourself. ⁓ So that explains a lot. Number one, for me, it did because I find that this concept that she talks a lot about is the happiness treadmill. ⁓ I like that. You have chills. got chills when I first heard it. like that. Like it's really, think she speaks and considering these are college age kids and not Gen Xers like us, I feel like this is a real issue, but we get ourselves on this. treadmill where we keep going after the next thing and the next thing and the next thing and we're never done, right? Because your brain is designed to move the goalpost, right? So you get the money and you're like, well, now I need more money or you get the great relationship and you're like, now I need this and in my relationship, like it's never enough, right? So what do you think that humans are capable of choosing happiness? First of all, you have to define what happiness really is, right? Like, I think happiness can be subjective because what makes one person happy might not make another person happy. But then at the same time, I have to agree with you, moving the goalpost, that's a good way to put it. ⁓ I think I spent so much time, again, I mean, we say this all the time, but we're Gen X ladies. ⁓ You know, happiness had to be earned. We didn't just wake up in the morning and we're like, we're happy. We had to like do something to earn validation for someone to tell us basically we're happy. And you know, I don't even remember if anyone ever even asked me if I was ever happy. Never. Like, are you okay? Like I think today in today's age, I know as a parent, I'm constantly asking about ⁓ feelings, you know, there's a lot of feelings involved and like, how are you feeling? How, you know, are you sad? Are you happy? All of those things, like the emotional part of like parenting. I don't, I don't really remember that being like a core. ⁓ no, we never stopped. Like there was always something to do. We always had things to do and like, There wasn't like days of just like laying down on the couch watching TV all day on Saturday. We were washing grandma's windows or you know working outside or doing chores around the house or whatever like and we had to justify like taking a break, right? What are you so happy about? ⁓ I like, why are you smiling? What is, what's, what's going on with that? ⁓ yeah, I don't know. just, think growing up too, and kind of realizing a lot of things that I have, I don't want to say the word trauma. It's not trauma. It's more of like, what has made me who I am today would be like, I mean, we had to Like if we were really productive, we were the kid that did more chores or we helped out more, we babysat more, whatever we did helped out around, you know, in the family business or whatever that looked like for you. Productivity really meant like you were the better kid. That's what Lori Santos is talking about, right? She's like, we have somewhere along the line mixed up being productive with being happy. think I do too. do. But is it, do you think it's a gen X thing? have few questions. Like what was your range of emotions as a kid? ⁓ man. Well, there was really high highs. There was some, it was kind of a roller coaster. I have to, I have to be honest. think I found, I found a lot of my happiness like through social interactions, through my friends, through like creative activities and things like that. Yeah. I mean, I, I think that I was sad. I was angry. I was angry. I was angry that I had to watch my younger brothers and sisters and I love them. do. I was either not sad or not angry or sad and angry. There was no breath of emotion. There was no one asking me how I was feeling. No. There was chores that we got ⁓ paid for. So like you would earn that money, right? And I think that I have to like wonder, do we even know what happiness is? Like have somewhere along the way, we just started grading it. Like we're grading our experiences, whether they're good or bad based on what we've accomplished. So I mean, that's, that's a really hard thing to say, okay, well, I have to like resettle in my brain, like what happiness is. But I think that you and I, like last weekend we spent together. lots of happiness, right? That had nothing to do with productivity. It was basically shared experience and doing all that stuff. And learning something new, like all the fun things. I think, like, I don't remember doing much of that as a kid. But like, it's, I just, kind of feel like happiness had to come, there was a cost to it. Like if you got all your chores done, then you could go do happy things. You know, if you, there was a lot of responsibility. think we grew up with a lot of responsibility. Um, and then I think sometimes, I think sometimes Lisa, I feel that today though. It's like, I have to work, work, work, work, work, do, do, do, do. And then I'm like, then I can go do one little baby thing for myself if I do. Yeah. Well, honestly, if I do. I think that good luck getting us off the product, like the treadmill. Like, cause that's how we were raised. That's how, like, like in our heart of hearts, we are all about goal achievement. And I think what for me, what caused this whole kind of question that I had was I was meeting my goals and still not happy. And then I called you guys like, what if I don't meet any of my goals? Do I deserve to be happy? Am I happy? Can I be happy? Like all of these different things that, you know, you start to question it later in life. But like to your point, I think, and we just talked about this, that's why I'm kind of smiling. So when you say you're gonna take a weekend off, what does that mean to you? Okay, so you know that I have a lot of like outside responsibilities that are outside of my job, outside of my own personal household. And ⁓ I'm managing them the best I can And I have been pretty much every weekend has been committed for a few months, right? And I would say going on like four months now. And so this is the first weekend that I have off, which I like dubbed off, meaning that I didn't have a commitment or I wasn't like needed somewhere. And ⁓ I got to get them painted. Cause next week I'm, I'm back out of town. So next weekend, and then it's going to be, yeah. Yeah. It's just, I don't know when the next weekend is going to be that I can get these doors painted and in. I've got someone coming over this weekend to install these doors, but hey, hey, look, I'm going to paint. are productive. I am productive. Like I think that you're at least, and you correct me if I'm wrong. Are you more comfortable with sitting still or being busy? ⁓ busy. I think silence makes me uncomfy. And like stillness, silence is uncomfortable to me. Me, too. You would not think that because I like to be in like those zen states too. Yeah. So I don't know. It's kind of a weird thing. Be still. It's uncomfortable. Like, I don't know if that's necessarily just a Gen X thing or if it's, you know, how like you and I are both hardwired to deliver. Yeah. Personally, professionally, across the board for our friends, right? We deliver. So, you know, I know that there are people out there that are not hired or hardwired that way that are our age, but I think universally ⁓ we all kind of struggle with how to just. don't know, analyze what we're doing and why we're doing it and what do we actually want to be doing versus what we have to be doing. It's very interesting. It's funny because, ⁓ you know, people are always like, ⁓ this is this way because of my childhood or I'm this way because of the house I was raised or whatever, whatever, right? Like I am not blaming anything on my childhood. I think though that ⁓ it's really interesting. to look back and see little baby Lisa self is the same adult Lisa self just with adult problems or adult responsibilities, right? Like I have some of the very same like characteristics clearly that just morphed into something bigger. Yeah. Or, you know, I think, I think there's also something to like, first born girl, you know, like, like where you sit in the hierarchy of your, of your family and your siblings. I think there's characteristics that don't ever go away. but yeah, I think I do carry some of that. ⁓ and Lisa, you were the, you were the only girl, right? was the only girl. So I took my tiara off just for this recording. Wait, I'm right back on. Cause I was I was treated- you're brother's nice. you? Yeah, both my brothers. Yeah, we were all very, very close. I mean, not as children as children when we terrorized one another. Well- But as we grew into adults, we were very, very close, but we were also alone. We had a babysitter, but they left every day at a certain time. And it was an ⁓ ex-marine that my dad met at the laundromat. I was. And she was- babysitter, but yeah, let's go. She used to roll her palm alls up in her eyes. But I think what I mean, I was I was definitely treated differently because I was a girl and I don't think that it worked in my favor. I really Oh, yeah, yeah. Like my goals for my brothers were very different than the goals they had for me. And it was so far higher for your brothers. Way higher. No way higher. Like My parents really believed that someone would come along and take care of me, but they believed like, you the roles of the men would be that they had to take care of everything themselves. Nobody was going to come save them. this is a very seventies ideology, right? My dad was very into financial independence. So they kind of like, it kind of fights with each other, right? Like, how can you expect me to be financially independent? But you don't care that I might not graduate high school. Yeah. Like it was just, it was a very weird thing, you know, but I think that they did their best, but it was definitely, definitely weird. All, all parents were doing their best. They were, they were just trying to get by. mean, those, those days, I, I remember they basically had to like, I don't know if we were out late, I mean, doing crazy things all the time. ⁓ and it was just. get in before, know, your curfew was, but it was kind of, we ran rogue sometimes, like, ran some rogue. I think we all did, right? But I don't, that is not true today. Like it's a very different thing for kids today, right? ⁓ No, but anyway, anyway. impacts their happiness, right? Like being cuddled and... tagged and knowing where you are at every single moment of every single day. We'll see what that does for them. But the one I think is universal, no matter what age you are, is none of it. Like sometimes we're not so great at choosing the ones we should love. We are not going to, this is not our time to make women or men feel bad about who they chose to love. This is not us putting other people down at all. This is us just kind of Like looking at how this stuff happens, right? And it's really easy for us to sit here and watch it on TV and be like, I would never do that. But we know from like the dating detectives, we know from those two shows that a lot of us do that. So, Lisa, why do you think sometimes we ignore the red flags? I mean, I think the red flags... We want them to be anything but what they are. I mean, honestly, you see a red flag and you're just like, mean, maybe, maybe I'm just like overreacting or whatever. mean, I know I do that. I see red flags and it's like, know, loud horns, know, flashing lights. Get away, stop, and roll. Get out of here. There's... the house is burning down and I'm like, I didn't, I didn't smell any fire. I'm good. You know, like that would be me. Right. Um, what about you? What, what? I mean, I, I suspect every one of everything. So like, I'll give you an example. I'm lying at the grocery store and some guy next to me, I was being checked out and this guy next to me starts talking to me about my purchases and I'm assuming he's trying to steal my pin number. You are so skeptical everything everyone's out to scam you everyone's going to get you ⁓ like the car the other day you were like I Watched too many murder shows because I'm behind this car and I know that it's like a murder van the really great rated van You need a refrigerated van Lisa unless they're not killing people and driving around town, but But in your mind, you were like, that's fishy. It's sus. that for me is like, I, that's why I think I really struggle. So Lisa, you need to know that whenever you decide to go back out into the dating world, I'm going to do background checks like a mofo. I know you will. I will make sure that this person has never, has no domestic violence, has no like grifting, has like existed before a year ago. Right? Yeah. Like even if like, you're like, this is the one for me. You guys, please, please, if he's a murderer and you're like, hey, I want to be happy and you're trying to make yourself happy and choose happiness, maybe leave the murderer on the table. Well, okay, but let's think about it though. The love bombing. If you're someone though, too, is looking for a relationship. And you think that that a new relationship, loving relationship, because you've had relationships that have been so great in the past. And you're like, if I could just find that guy that adores me, loves me, does all the things for me, right? ⁓ That's going to make me happy. Everything else will fall into place. And then you meet the guy and he loves bomb, he love bombs you to death. And then you're, you're like in, right? You're in. And then all those other red flags are just a lot easier to push to the side, I think. So I have a friend, and I won't say their name, but I have a friend that got love bombed, totally fell head over heels, got married right away, started having kids. And this is someone who never thought they'd find somebody. And it's not because she was very pretty, but she worked all the time. She didn't really invest in her personal life like she did her work life. There's no one I'm saying. I see you. And she just found herself like, I want to get married. I want to have kids. These are the things I want to do. So I'm to put myself out there. She found someone super handsome dude, really successful, love bombed her, blah, blah, blah. They're married for two years. He's arrested for murder. Yeah. Convicted. I believe convicted, like it's one of those save your friend. Not my, no, my friend is still alive, but their spouse, Arreciau. We all make good choices with the information that we're given. And sometimes, and again, sometimes the red flags are not red flags. There are no red flags until there is a red flag, right? So you just have to try to listen to our friends, listen to our circle. I think having a good circle around you that can be like your reality check. Because it's really easy to get like to go down a rabbit hole of, I don't know, getting fanatic on anything, right? Like, it's really easy. Scrolling Instagram like it's my full-time job these days. God, I got out of social media and I just say no, now you're selling. But I love humanity. I love people. They're so funny. But and they're helpful hints. So there was this guy, this ex FBI agent. that said you needed to be worried about three things on a date. One, if he tells you that you're not like other girls. Two, if he tells you you're the smartest person he's ever met. And the third one, I can't remember what it is. I'm sorry. Google it and look it up. FBI, three tips to avoid a crazy person. like, I think I would. recognize the love bombing and think it was weird. And I know this because I have a friend who was in a relationship and she was very happy and she brings him here for me to meet this person. I hope she doesn't listen to the podcast so she will not know it's her. So let's just talk about her. went out to dinner. Hey mom, I'm here for not listening. Right, you know? And we took him to dinner and immediately he was out. And here's why. He was fawning all over her. despite the fact that there was two normal people sitting there watching it, it was weird. And two, he started feeding her. And I'm like, no. Like with a spoon, like you would feed a baby? Oh, I don't like that. So I was like, nope, he's out. He's up to no good. I was like, get rid of him. He's not for you. And did she get rid of him? She did get rid of him. Not because I told her to, but because I think. that Doug and I made her aware of some of the weird things that we were seeing and what that usually indicates. Yeah, I mean, we gotta give these dating gals a break, man. I mean, it's hard. tough. It's tough, but like what you said earlier with like you have to listen to your circle. So it's a weird transition, but it actually is my high five this week. Okay. So I... No, I don't always make the best choices. I react emotionally. ⁓ I react sometimes I can be very volatile. ⁓ And it doesn't always work to my advantage. So I have this group of friends on a group text and they are the Southern Ladies Council on Appropriateness in Manners. That is the name that I gave them. And they're all Southern ladies. And they all were raised in the South, like heavy, heavy Southern manners. Okay. I love it. I was raised in a cultural wasteland. had no, like no manners. And so I got these friends when I moved to Virginia and I started hearing things like, this person's husband died, we need to bring them a dish. And I'm like, why would you do that? Like, why would you not do that? Like, they say you need to bring a dish. And I'm like, I wouldn't even open my door for you if it was me. Like leave those poor people alone. ⁓ So that is the perfect example of like where I needed training. So like now it's all things like if I have a conflict, if I get into a fight with someone, which can happen because I'm a very passionate person, all wrong, more than I'm right, but I'm a very passionate person. I will call them and be like, Hey, you guys, what do you think? I'll put it in the chat. Be like, this is what happened. This is what I said. Of course, I always sound like I'm amazing. The other person is a monster. And I'll be like, should I burn them all down? And it's like, you do not want to burn it all down. Like you need to take two steps back, take a deep breath, maybe breathe. I like these ladies. They are. They have kept me on the street in the narrow. And because of my Southern Ladies Council on Appropriateness and Manners, I have dropped many a bullet. today when I was thinking about our episode and I was thinking about, we able to choose our own happiness? I'm like, I don't know. But when I think about my council, I'm smart enough to know that I don't always have all the answers. So I found some friends. that are always eager to offer their opinion and advice and they range all different ages. And it's just in the luckiest person in world. So that's my high five this week is that I may not know how to choose, but I have friends who do. was your five this week, I love that. Well, you know, my high five this week actually comes back to ⁓ a conversation that you and I had the other day. I think, I think We continue to talk a lot about ⁓ kind of where we are at personally, I think more than we ever have in our past. ⁓ We've been really good friends, but I think we've had to deal with some real hard things lately. You and I that I think have maybe shook us both up differently. ⁓ And I just think that my high five this week is knowing that, again, I have a circle. I have people that are in my corner. And I just really appreciate you. I appreciate you listening and that makes me happy. we don't surround ourselves with a lot of friends, right? Quality relationships matter. So I feel like our relationship continues to get stronger and I'm just grateful for it. So that was my high five this week is knowing that maybe I'm opening up. I'm starting because of this podcast and because of our friendship and history. I think I'm able to open up a little bit more than I probably have in a really long time. ⁓ Just about what's going on in my life or how I'm feeling. And, you know, again, I think I was just raised not to talk about feelings. just, we just didn't talk about feelings and feelings always like look like a sign of weakness. And so, but you allow me that space. So anyway, you were my high five this week. thank you, man. I appreciate that. Yeah. You are, you are always my high five as well. think that we keep coming together. throughout our lives in different places for very specific reasons. I feel very, very lucky as well. Are humans capable of choosing? And if you guys are out there like, what the hell are they talking about? Yes, welcome to the podcast. We do this sometimes, we stick around. But for everyone out there that's hanging in, I want to just answer the question from my perspective and I'll let Lisa answer from her perspective. Okay, are humans capable of choosing what makes them happy? And I'm going to say I think we are good at what we think will make us happy. I think we're good at setting goals. I think we're good at accomplishing those goals, but do our goals actually make us happy? I don't really know. I will say, I don't think we know what makes us happy, but we know where to buy it. Hey, that's true. I will second that. I will second that 100%. So what do you think Lisa? Do you think we're capable of knowing what makes us happy? Okay, so again, I think going back to happiness being a state of mind, I think we have to be able to be in the right state of mind to make that solid decision on happiness goal looks like, right? I mean, we can think about it again, growing up the way we grew up. happiness was always something that we earned after we finished everything else. Yeah. Right. It wasn't like, this is my happiness and I own it. We had to like earn it. Which means a lot of us got really good at responsibility ⁓ in a really disconnected way though. ⁓ think I can connect happiness with work. So for me, I want to change that mindset. I want to change that mindset for myself and say that I can choose things that make me happy that don't have to be painful to get there. And it's maybe not tied directly to productivity. Not tied to productivity or not tied to getting the things done on my checklist. Like I should just be able to be happy. sitting on my sofa, watching TV, taking a day to myself, to just do nothing. But that makes me so uncomfortable to truly rest or recharge. I feel like I get more happiness if I'm serving others, doing something, accomplishing things on my to-do list. So I want to change that mindset for myself and I'm going to make a conscious effort because I think this question really intrigued me to kind of think about that and I want to reconnect. With your happiness lights, like what lights up your brain? Like, again, we were not hardwired to know, to recognize that feeling, unless it came with a paycheck or unless it came with acknowledgement or some other kind of reward, right? It was almost dismissed. It's so, so true. And that's where I think in our adult life, I connect my happiness to, well, I did for a lot of years. I really don't anymore. It's different for me now. Things have changed for me a little bit now, but for so many years, I connected my happiness with the title I held, the money in my bank account, the square footage of my home, the car I drove, the clothes I wore, things like that. And really when you step away, a lot of it was just really materialistic things and I wasn't actually doing anything that fulfilled. me as a person for my wellness or anything like that. was keep going, keep pushing, work harder, be smarter. happiness treadmill, the accomplishment. Yes. Right? Like do more, do more, do more, do more. I think it does. get more, get more, get more. And that's not always true. That's not always true. And by the way, even like as somebody who has reached a pinnacle of a financial success, which I'm very fortunate and it worked my ass off to do. Sometimes it's more money, more problems, right? Because I have the money to do what I want and I'm still not happy. So what now? when you go somewhere, what now? Like now what do you find yourself? doing. and then I think when you get there though, it kind of, you can start to detach on some of these things where that's, you know that that's not going to make you happy. So then you're going to be doing other things. So a hundred percent. you guys, for everyone that's listening, your question to think about, you can answer it if you guys want to answer it on Instagram or YouTube. But what was something that you knew would make you happy, but it didn't? Right? I, I want to hear, we want to hear what you guys think about that. And remember if this episode landed with you guys today, or you really felt it in your heart, or you know somebody that needs to hear this, please make sure that you share it ⁓ on Apple and that you hit subscribing YouTube because that is how our little show grows. And then last but not least, you guys, please make sure that you roll your shoulders back, hydrate. Unclench your jaw and high five someone. Thanks guys. Have a great week. Bye.