Latest / Fierce Encouragement / She Saw Me

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She Saw Me · Fierce Encouragement

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hey everybody.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Mark.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is Fierce Encouragement.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: And just a quick check-in here at the top, before we start to go in, I just wanted to say that this is Fierce Encouragement.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason why I'm here talking about this is well, it's to share real stories.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's to share tools and methods and practices that you can help to learn to fiercely encourage yourself.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, when we talk to ourselves in a really bad way or we notice that kind of background hum of self-criticism or not appreciating ourselves, well, it's not a good way to grow.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've lived there for years, decades, and I've since found tools and ways for to help my clients, to help myself, to help my family and friends to encourage themselves, to be a little more positive and to understand this is a way of kind of lifting ourselves out of those dark times.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why I created it.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm glad you're here listening.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to share a story today that I read.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about a little girl, a hot dog, and maybe a waitress who did something on her own that even the little girl's dad couldn't kind of commit to in the moment or didn't have the skills to do in the moment.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's a short story, but it also might be one of the more impactful ones for you today.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I know it was for me.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, it's one of the more bigger reminders for me to continue to realize how I impact people just with my energy and my attitude and what I'm doing here.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I appreciate you being here and sharing your time with me.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: So this is a story that I read from a great coach in the past week, and it's from a chapter in a book I'm kind of reading through, and we've kind of been going back and forth on it.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't seem to shake the story as I go through my week.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: It keeps showing up in my journaling, and I just remember the scene and then the energy that was left with me kind of afterwards.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: So a family with a young girl go out to dinner in the city, kind of a diner, and they were having a night out, and the little girl was really excited.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: She got to go out with her parents.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: She she felt like a big girl and you know was growing up fast.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: But this was years ago.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, well, back when kids, and I don't know if anybody's familiar with this, but back when kids used to be told, hey, you should be seen, but not heard.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, kind of stay in your place, you know, be a good girl.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, in this scene at the diner, the waitress kind of rushed up to take their order, and she asked the little girl, looked her directly in the eye, and said, What would you what would you like?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the girl said, I want a hot dog, a coke, and some French fries.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: She was really proud.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the dad jumped in really quick, really fast, and he said, You most certainly will not be getting that.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a long, uncomfortable pause in this diner.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the energy shifted, and the waitress paused for a moment, and she looked at the dad for a second, and then looked back to the little girl and said, Did you want any toppings on your hot dog, miss?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And in this story that I read, the parents went quiet and they weren't even sure what really happened.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And the little girl, while they were leaving, she kind of looked at the waitress, and inside she said, She saw me.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: This waitress saw me.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I think that's a reminder, we forget, and it's easy, you know, being a dad and a mom, it's it's intense, it's always on.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So it doesn't mean to be more hard on ourselves.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: But when we do slow down and let these moments land and think about how we can make somebody feel worthy or give them fierce encouragement, or at least redirect them to maybe the healthy habits we want them to and embody.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe more importantly, it's just to learn to check ourselves and maybe check ourselves before we start, I don't know, interjecting and kind of re uh reflexively responding to our children or to what our friends say.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think what apps actually kind of shifted or happened in that situation.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, number one, the waitress didn't try to fix anything.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: She did not start arguing with the dad, like a lot of us are prone to do.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't attempt to make a scene or kind of make it about her and being righteous.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, she kept treating that little girl like a person who, a customer who whose order really mattered to her.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And she really gave the attention and awareness to this little girl.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that counts for something even more important in this story.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Even when her closest adult, um, her dad, had just kind of talked over it and kind of shut her down.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's really it.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not sure if that makes sense or if it's kind of sinking in as I talk through it.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like it's sinking in deeper for me.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: But I think this is where the intervention is.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was letting that little girl be seen instead of trying to get ourselves seen by being righteous.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think most of us are still looking for that moment in a sense.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Even as adults, we're quietly waiting for someone to ask us what toppings we want on our hot dog.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And again, metaphysically, much bigger than just a hot dog.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: What do we really want from life?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Who has asked you in your life?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we hope our managers do that to help our career go further along.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes that doesn't happen in that relationship.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: We love our spouses and our partners, our girlfriends and our friends.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, and you might be familiar with this, we can go out with them one night or be with them in a moment, and we honestly feel alone and unseen.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like we're waiting for something.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I had a good client, great client this past couple weeks, made the decision to completely and definitively say that his relationship is over with somebody he's been with a couple years.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And she came back and said, Well, I kind of considered our relationship over the last two or three months, maybe even longer.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that kind of shocked him because there was never the declaration that it was over.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: There was never that declaration of, hey, I see you or I don't see you.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's not working.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And just think about how much energy we use, kind of staying in that um holding pattern, waiting to land the plane.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: When's the last time you felt seen?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Or when somebody unexpectedly uh unexpectedly saw the worthiness in you.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is easy to share this story, but maybe it's harder to turn it into the way I kind of want to, as I'm trying to work through it, the way I really want it to land for you and me today, because most of us are still waiting for somebody to be that person that sees the worthiness in us.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: We're waiting for the boss to notice, we're waiting for the spouse, we're waiting for the parent, uh, even decades later, to finally say that thing we might need might have needed to hear as a kid.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, get the hot dog and fries.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think some of that waiting is fair.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: We need to, you know, honor that part of us.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: We can't fix everything.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: We do need other people, we need our our friends and our family.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: We are not meant to live this life in isolation.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: But there is a question that's kind of underneath all of that that I want to sit with and ask.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do you treat yourself like you would a dear friend?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like somebody you loved?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe like that little girl.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: She deserved to be asked what she actually wanted.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you treat yourself like the dad in this story?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Talking over yourself before you even get to answer.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard work to sit there and catch yourself when you're beating yourself up.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, there's a part of us that will justify that harsh treatment.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Or even op over optimizing ourselves, going too fast.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe settling where we should push ourselves a little bit.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: We talk ourselves out of own so many things by using that energy of the dad in this story.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of slowing down and asking ourselves what we really want.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: What it felt like when somebody really saw us in life and cared deeply about us and encouraged us.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I would love to share just like a quick exercise here.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And you're welcome to break out your pens if you have an opportunity, or you're welcome to pause this and come back to it later.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just going to run through a short list of questions here.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: You do not need to answer them out loud, obviously, if you're rolling down the road or even walking, um, but just let them land in your mind, kind of create space for them in your mind and your consciousness.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And you can come back to any of these that might snag you.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Do you hate your body?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Don't like your age?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Were you told to be quiet as a kid and still act like that's true?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Today, do you still act like you need to be quiet and do what you're told?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel a lot of fear at social events?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Might you be critical of yourself often or almost automatically?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is that true for you?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Let me ask, are you ashamed of your own thoughts or even some of your own habits?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Do you get disgusted with yourself in certain situations?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's a powerful word, disgusted.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And are you generally down on yourself for not accomplishing enough honestly?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: If two or more, I'd say three or more, snagged something in you, I don't think that's a diagnosis, but that is information.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it is evidence that that trance might be showing up for you more often than not.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do I fear a lot of stuff socially?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: I like going out socially.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I always have a tough time starting.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Once I get in the middle of it, more often than not, I can be there and be present.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do I get disgusted with myself?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that was very true 15 years ago, 20 years ago.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think dis disgust was definitely something I lived in, the room I lived in a few days a week.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I am still disgusted at points, but I would say the energy is less about disgust and maybe more about disappointment.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: And trying to learn from those things where I fail.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I think these are powerful questions, especially the last one.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, are you generally down on yourself for not accomplishing enough?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: I would say I have nearly 90% of my clients come in and say, Yeah, yeah, that's true.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: I can always do more.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is something that we can let land.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it matters actually holding and modeling, and in a sense, like um finding out what you want to be on the other side of these is what really matters.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: So examine yourself through these difficult questions and ask what the other part is.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: What's something where you could show up and be satisfied with what you've accomplished?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is a good practice to kind of end on and go into the last part of the episode.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just pick that moment today, just one moment.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was a decision, a want, um, a preference, even something small.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And think about instead of talking over yourself like the way that dad did about the hot dog to the little girl, ask yourself whether that question is important or not.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine the waitress looks at you and asks, Do you want any toppings with that?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: What do you actually want on this?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not what should you want, not what's most efficient or even most responsible, or even the most impressive.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Stop it.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Talk about what you actually do want and let yourself answer.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Answer out loud if you can.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: Answer with some paper and pen, even if nobody else is in the darn room.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't about getting everything you want all the time.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: It really isn't.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: But it is about practicing the muscle of being asked and the muscle of answering honestly instead of skipping straight to those no's or passing by it.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we will never abuse or shame or hate ourselves into better habits or better life balance or whatever you're after.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: We won't hate and shame ourselves into those habits.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's not how any of this works, zero percent.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Self-compassion is not a soft thing.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually hard.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard work, but it is the mechanism or the upgrade for change in your own headspace.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: You are worthy.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: You are.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Start talking to yourself like it matters, even in your struggles and your flaws and your difficult moments.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're fully human, you're fully here, you belong here.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing you've done, nothing you're carrying lessens your worthiness.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can't be reduced down.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: It was never really up for negotiation in a sense.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: And now this isn't a personal flaw that you're managing, right?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something you're pushing away or cutting off.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's more about noticing patterns that can be interrupted in our cognition.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: And even one small moment at a time when we can fiercely encourage ourselves, that matters.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Get working on that, check out those questions, and again, start today, one small moment.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself what you really want and slow down.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Listen for the answer.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And again, thank you for being here for this one.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Mark.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if something in this whole list and questions and episode today, or even the dad talking over the table, um, that even that quiet waiting, um, that we kind of feel like we are waiting for somebody to finally see us.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know that you're not alone.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's common ground.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: And really, it is not a personal flaw.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: If a conversation might help you, there is a link to apply in the show notes.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: No pitch, no sales, just an honest place where you can talk about what it's actually going on.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Until the next time, keep fiercely encouraging yourselves.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you have a great day, a great evening wherever you're at.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Take care.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Bye bye.