Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 193. When Grown Kids Can’t Come Home: Finding Peace and Joy in New Traditions
Transcript
- 0:02[SPEAKER_00]: Christian parenting.
- 0:08[SPEAKER_00]: Hey Mama, I'm Pamela Hinkelman and you're listening to the Midlife Mama podcast.
- 0:13[SPEAKER_00]: The show for Christian moms who want to let go with grace and actually enjoy their empty nest.
- 0:19[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a certified emptiness coach, speaker, and mom of five grown kids.
- 0:24[SPEAKER_00]: I know the challenges this season brings from letting go to setting healthy boundaries, to rediscovering your purpose, and reconnecting with your husband.
- 0:33[SPEAKER_00]: Each week I'll be your guide.
- 0:35[SPEAKER_00]: offering heartfelt conversations, faith-filled encouragement, and practical strategies to help you thrive in this next chapter.
- 0:43[SPEAKER_00]: My husband and I are loving the emptiness years, and I have strong growing relationships with my adult kids, and I want the same for you.
- 0:51[SPEAKER_00]: Don't miss the end of each episode.
- 0:53[SPEAKER_00]: I'll share a quick coaching tip you can apply right away to improve your relationship with your kids or your spouse.
- 1:00[SPEAKER_00]: One favor before we dive in, if you find this episode helpful, would you leave a rating and review?
- 1:06[SPEAKER_00]: It helps other moms discover the show.
- 1:08[SPEAKER_00]: There's a link in the show notes with instructions.
- 1:11[SPEAKER_00]: Make sure you're following the podcast so you don't miss a single episode.
- 1:15[SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get started.
- 1:17[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to the Midlife Mama Podcast, the place for faith, friendship, and real talk for Christian emptiness moms.
- 1:24[SPEAKER_00]: As soon as November rolls around, something shifts in our hearts, doesn't it?
- 1:28[SPEAKER_00]: The holiday countdown begins and so does the pressure.
- 1:32[SPEAKER_00]: We start wondering, will everyone make it home this year?
- 1:35[SPEAKER_00]: What will Christmas look like now that the kids are grown?
- 1:38[SPEAKER_00]: How do I honor our traditions without overwhelming my adult kids or myself?
- 1:43[SPEAKER_00]: If you've ever wrestled with these questions, you're not alone.
- 1:46[SPEAKER_00]: The holidays bring a beautiful mix of joy and longing, and they can also stir up deep emotions when plans change, or loved ones can't make at home.
- 1:56[SPEAKER_00]: The truth is holidays in this new season won't look like they did when your kids were little.
- 2:02[SPEAKER_00]: Your kids might not be home, and you'd have to be okay with that.
- 2:07[SPEAKER_00]: Today we're talking about how to find peace, joy, and connection, as we talk honestly with our grown kids about holiday plans.
- 2:14[SPEAKER_00]: You'll learn how to open conversations with your grown kids, practice radical acceptance, and create space for new, meaningful traditions that reflect this season of life.
- 2:25[SPEAKER_00]: So grab your coffee, take a deep breath, and let's discover together how holidays that look different can be beautifully good.
- 2:34[SPEAKER_00]: It's completely normal to feel that mix of excitement and anxiety as the holiday season approaches.
- 2:40[SPEAKER_00]: You want to hold onto the warmth and connection of the years past, but deep down you know things are changing.
- 2:48[SPEAKER_00]: One of the biggest emotional shifts among faces is accepting that holidays with adult children won't look like they did when the kids were little.
- 2:57[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of avoiding the discomfort, be the one to open the conversation, talking openly about holiday plans can prevent misunderstandings, reduce stress, and even strengthen your relationships.
- 3:10[SPEAKER_00]: With these six strategies, you'll learn how to approach the holidays with more clarity, flexibility, and peace.
- 3:17[SPEAKER_00]: Remember, they may look different, but they can still be just as meaningful.
- 3:22[SPEAKER_00]: So tip number one is stop avoiding the elephant in the room.
- 3:25[SPEAKER_00]: Ah, the holidays are coming, everyone knows it, but that doesn't mean anyone's talking about it.
- 3:32[SPEAKER_00]: If you're like most moms, you may find yourself avoiding the conversations with your adult kids hoping to sidestep the disappointment or conflict.
- 3:42[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe deep down, you already sense they won't be coming home and saying it out loud makes it real and that feels too hard.
- 3:50[SPEAKER_00]: But here's the truth.
- 3:51[SPEAKER_00]: The longer you avoid the conversation, the more tension quietly builds.
- 3:56[SPEAKER_00]: As the mom, you're still the emotional leader in the family.
- 4:00[SPEAKER_00]: When you take the courageous step to initiate the dialogue, you create space for honesty, tenderness, and understanding.
- 4:08[SPEAKER_00]: You're not being pushy.
- 4:10[SPEAKER_00]: You're paving the way for peace.
- 4:13[SPEAKER_00]: Step number two is invite your kids into this holiday conversation.
- 4:18[SPEAKER_00]: your adult kids likely do have thoughts about the holidays, but they may be hesitant to share them.
- 4:25[SPEAKER_00]: Why would that be?
- 4:25[SPEAKER_00]: Well, because they're not sure how you'll react, they don't want to hurt your feelings or stir up tensions.
- 4:32[SPEAKER_00]: So instead, they stay quiet and the disconnect grows.
- 4:37[SPEAKER_00]: One of the most powerful things you can do is to invite them into a real conversation, not a
- 4:48[SPEAKER_00]: Get curious and ask open-ended questions that show your genuinely interested in their perspectives not just preserving traditions for tradition's sake.
- 4:58[SPEAKER_00]: Try these three questions.
- 5:01[SPEAKER_00]: Number one, what do you enjoy most about the holidays with family?
- 5:05[SPEAKER_00]: You'll be surprised what your kids love and what they not so fond of.
- 5:11[SPEAKER_00]: Ask them what matters most to you when it comes to celebrating together.
- 5:15[SPEAKER_00]: It may not be a perfectly set table.
- 5:19[SPEAKER_00]: It may not be running all over to grandma, to grandma, to grandma, so here to there to everywhere.
- 5:26[SPEAKER_00]: ask them what matters most.
- 5:29[SPEAKER_00]: And then ask them, are there any traditions you'd like to keep or any you're ready to release?
- 5:35[SPEAKER_00]: It is so important to hold our traditions loosely.
- 5:38[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe your kids are second tired of wearing hatching pajamas and that's that's something that you need to have a part of your holiday traditions.
- 5:47[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they'd rather eat off a paper plates than happen to do all those dishes for everybody.
- 5:52[SPEAKER_00]: When your kids feel heard, they're more likely to engage.
- 5:55[SPEAKER_00]: You're not just planning a holiday, you're building trust.
- 6:00[SPEAKER_00]: The third tip is to maintain emotional self-control.
- 6:04[SPEAKER_00]: Excuse me, I'm recovering from a cold.
- 6:07[SPEAKER_00]: Mama, I know it's staying when your kids tell you they won't be home for Christmas.
- 6:13[SPEAKER_00]: Your first instinct might be to cry, get quiet, or react with hurt.
- 6:19[SPEAKER_00]: those feelings are real and it's important to acknowledge them, but the middle of the holiday conversation isn't the place to let them spill out.
- 6:29[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay to gently say, I'll miss you, but resist the urge to put the weight of your disappointment on your kid's shoulders.
- 6:36[SPEAKER_00]: They're not responsible for your happiness.
- 6:39[SPEAKER_00]: You are.
- 6:40[SPEAKER_00]: We take those raw emotions to God.
- 6:44[SPEAKER_00]: and then talk through them with your husband or a trusted friend, journal, pray about it and let the Lord meet you in the ache.
- 6:52[SPEAKER_00]: But when you practice self-control, you create a safe environment for your kids.
- 6:58[SPEAKER_00]: They're more likely to open up honestly if they know that they won't be met with guilt, tears or frustration.
- 7:04[SPEAKER_00]: Your steadiness sets the tone and keeps the relationships strong.
- 7:10[SPEAKER_00]: Finding the perfect gift for the people you love most should feel joyful, not stressful.
- 7:14[SPEAKER_00]: But between busy schedules and crowded stores, it's easy to lose the joy of giving.
- 7:20[SPEAKER_00]: That's why Christian parenting created the 2025 Christmas Gift Guide.
- 7:25[SPEAKER_00]: A one-stop collection of thoughtful, faithful gifts for every age and stage.
- 7:29[SPEAKER_00]: Inside, you'll find meaningful ideas.
- 7:32[SPEAKER_00]: For grandkids, parents, grandparents and friends, all designed to point hearts back to the true reason for the season.
- 7:38[SPEAKER_00]: Plus, we've included some of our very favorite advent resources from family activities to devotionals just for grandkids.
- 7:45[SPEAKER_00]: So you can keep Jesus at the center of Christmas.
- 7:47[SPEAKER_00]: Best of all, it's completely free.
- 7:50[SPEAKER_00]: Check out the guide today at ChristianParenting.org forward slash Christmas and make this Christmas your most meaningful and less stressful yet.
- 8:00[SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get back to our conversation.
- 8:03[SPEAKER_00]: Tip number four is to seek the good of the whole.
- 8:09[SPEAKER_00]: Mama, you gotta remember that the holidays aren't about clinging to your picture of perfection.
- 8:15[SPEAKER_00]: They're about cultivating connection with the ones you love, the most.
- 8:20[SPEAKER_00]: You gotta remember, go on over the days of barking orders or insisting that everything be done your way.
- 8:27[SPEAKER_00]: You're no longer the director orchestrating every detail.
- 8:31[SPEAKER_00]: You're the member guiding with grace.
- 8:34[SPEAKER_00]: And when you step back and seek what's best for the whole family, you create an atmosphere of unity.
- 8:40[SPEAKER_00]: That might mean adjusting your menu, moving the celebration date, or letting go of a tradition that no longer serves the season.
- 8:48[SPEAKER_00]: It's not about losing control, it's about gaining peace.
- 8:52[SPEAKER_00]: When every family member feels seen and valued, they'll want to keep coming back no matter how the holidays look.
- 8:59[SPEAKER_00]: That's the kind of legacy that outlast the menu or the matching PJs.
- 9:04[SPEAKER_00]: A family that loves to be together because they know they belong.
- 9:09[SPEAKER_00]: Tip number five, practice radical acceptance.
- 9:13[SPEAKER_00]: Mama, one of the greatest gifts, you can give yourself and your family is learning to practice radical acceptance.
- 9:20[SPEAKER_00]: Here's what that looks like.
- 9:23[SPEAKER_00]: free to choose a date that works best for you, but you must also accept the reality that not everyone will be able to come.
- 9:30[SPEAKER_00]: For example, this year I wanted to host things giving on the actual holiday because when we moved back to Iowa a year and a half ago, we haven't actually had the kids home for Thanksgiving since probably
- 9:43[SPEAKER_00]: We had a few of them a few times in Illinois, but not everybody.
- 9:48[SPEAKER_00]: So I wanted to host I wanted to cook the meal.
- 9:52[SPEAKER_00]: I'm excited to cook for them.
- 9:54[SPEAKER_00]: However, I also know that some of them may have to work or spend time with their in-laws, which means not everyone will be around my table.
- 10:03[SPEAKER_00]: That's disappointing.
- 10:04[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, but it doesn't have to steal my joy.
- 10:07[SPEAKER_00]: Radical acceptance means you acknowledge that egg without letting it harden your heart.
- 10:12[SPEAKER_00]: You hold space for gratitude for those who are present instead of resentment towards those who can't be.
- 10:19[SPEAKER_00]: It also means trusting that there will be other holidays, other moments, and maybe even fresh traditions ahead.
- 10:26[SPEAKER_00]: When you release your grip of how it has to be, you free your heart to experience the beauty of what is.
- 10:35[SPEAKER_00]: Tip number six, if it's all too stressful, choose a different way.
- 10:39[SPEAKER_00]: Some times, despite your best efforts, the family just can't come to an agreement.
- 10:44[SPEAKER_00]: That's disappointing.
- 10:46[SPEAKER_00]: But it doesn't mean the holidays are ruined.
- 10:48[SPEAKER_00]: It simply means they'll look different this year and different can still be good.
- 10:53[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of sitting in frustration, shift your focus.
- 10:57[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe this is the year, you and your husband lean into one another and create special memories, just the two of you.
- 11:03[SPEAKER_00]: I know my husband and I are still have the dream of spending a Christmas in New York City.
- 11:08[SPEAKER_00]: Some of you may be like, growls, why wouldn't you want to do that?
- 11:11[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, I don't know, I think it sounds fun and romantic and it adventure.
- 11:15[SPEAKER_00]: You could plan the romantic category just like I talked about, or you could serve a meal at a homeless shelter, or you
- 11:27[SPEAKER_00]: Remember, joy is not canceled because plants didn't come together.
- 11:31[SPEAKER_00]: You have the freedom to make new choices and the wisdom to try again next year.
- 11:36[SPEAKER_00]: The key is to keep your heart tender toward your family with no grudges or bitterness.
- 11:42[SPEAKER_00]: Trust that God is still writing your family story even if this chapter looks different than what you imagined.
- 11:49[SPEAKER_00]: Conversations about holiday plans with your grown kids won't always feel easy, but they don't have to feel heavy.
- 11:55[SPEAKER_00]: Mama, when you step into your role is the gentle leader of your family and ask God for the courage to talk openly, you create space for honesty, trust, and deeper connection.
- 12:05[SPEAKER_00]: Here's your coaching tip of the week.
- 12:06[SPEAKER_00]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
- 12:11[SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
- 12:16[SPEAKER_00]: So today, I just want you to plan a time and invite your kids into a holiday conversation.
- 12:22[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you have to do it over the phone, maybe you have to do it over FaceTime, or if they pop in for the weekend.
- 12:28[SPEAKER_00]: Just have the courage to bring it up and see what happens.
- 12:32[SPEAKER_00]: The holidays may not look exactly like they did when your kids were little, but different doesn't mean less meaningful.
- 12:39[SPEAKER_00]: With courage, flexibility, and heart anchored in Christ, you can discover that this new season of celebration can be just as rich, joyful, and good.
- 12:49[SPEAKER_00]: Until next time,
- 12:53[SPEAKER_00]: And God's got you.
- 12:54[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama Podcast.
- 12:56[SPEAKER_00]: I hope you leave each episode feeling a little more encouraged, equipped, and seen, because that's what this space is all about.
- 13:03[SPEAKER_00]: Through the stories, insights, and conversations we share here, I'm coaching you through the ups and downs of the empty nest, helping you rediscover purpose, deepen faith, and enjoy this new season of life.
- 13:15[SPEAKER_00]: If you're ready for an even more personalized support, I'd love to invite you to book a free connection call.
- 13:21[SPEAKER_00]: The link is in the show notes and we'll talk about how I can walk alongside you as your coach.
- 13:26[SPEAKER_00]: And let's stay connected.
- 13:27[SPEAKER_00]: Follow me on Instagram at P-Hankelman.
- 13:30[SPEAKER_00]: That's P-H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N, or come find me on Facebook at Pamela Hankelman, M-D-Nest Coach.
- 13:38[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to figure this