Latest / Dear Chelsea / Maybe Don’t Report Back with Emily Morse

Transcript

Maybe Don’t Report Back with Emily Morse · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea. How are you well.
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: I mean, I'm pretty good. I'm in New York City,
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: as you know, and I well, I had a fun weekend.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: I went to Syracuse, New York to film this movie.
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: I did a cameo in this movie where I played
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: the mother to an Asian boy. So I guess that's
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: from my relationship with Jokoy. Maybe I don't know, but
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: it was a surprise when I met him, which you know,
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: it was great. And then I came down to the
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: city because I have shows this weekend, and there is
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: a fire in Canada, and they are telling people in
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: New York City not to go outside and to limit
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: your time outside because the air quality is so bad.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: It is so ominous looking in the city, and it
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: is what I imagine it must have looked like after
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: nine to eleven. There is this like smoke and haze
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: that is just covering the city. It is brown like,
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: it is a light that I have never seen, and
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: it is very apocalyptic.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Do you feel it like in your lungs when you're outside.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm not outside because you can't really, I'm just
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: getting driven back and forth from one thing to the next.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: So yeah, it's really really scary, and this is what
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: our future is going to be, like a bunch of
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: fires and smoke and not being able to go outside
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: for days at a time.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: And on that note, what's going on with you, Catherine?
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: Well?
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: I am currently recording from a car because my power
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: went out, So here we are. We're just you know,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: the show must go on.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: I feel like the world is ending right now and
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: may may end during this recording.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: That's absolutely true. Luckily, my mom came to visit this
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: last week and we had a lovely time. We just
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: did super girly stuff like shopping, We got our nails done,
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: we got our hair done, picked out some makeup, bits
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: of Laura. It was a doorball.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: It was just that's nice. Yeah, that's cute. I'm glad.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So what's your weekend?
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm gonna go see a play tomorrow night that
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: I'm excited about. Oh no, it's not a play, it's
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: a girl's stand up show. My friend Natasha Leone is
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: directing this show. So she texted me and she was like,
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: we need people to come and I was like, oh okay,
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: So I'm rallying the troops and I'm gonna go see
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: that tomorrow. I love watching other stand ups when I don't.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Know them amazing, you know what I mean.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: I love watching new stand up. It's like so aspiring
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: because all those people that we've had on like Osco Mateo,
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: it's so nice to be around them and spend time
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: with them. Like I have this whole group of like
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: young comics in my life that I just love being
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: around because it just is so original. You're you're around newness,
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I love newness. I like
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: anything new. But it's been so nice to be Like
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: one of them was like, you've been such a supporter
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: of us. I'm like, you don't know how much you
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: guys are giving me. You're giving me my kind of
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: oomph and stand up too, like being around people who
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: are fresh and excited about it and new about it.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: And doing something different and have a different vibe.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Vanessa my number one, my number one stunner who
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: opens for me on all my tour dates and if
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: you've seen me on Little Big Bitch tour or or
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: actually vaccinated in Horny, she was with me too. Because
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: now we're in because I've declared her to be my
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: daughter and I'm her mother. She's my e hut. I
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: gave birth to her when I was twelve. And yeah,
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: that's what I've got going on. Girl.
• 3:10
  Speaker 4: Oh.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: We added some more stand up dates too. We added Portland, Boston,
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: added second shows in Portland, Boston, Los Angeles and some
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: other cities. But anyway, there's lots of second shows and
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: I won't I'm gonna try because of scheduling, because I
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: have something after this tour. If there are tickets available
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: in your city and you want to come to the show,
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: by them, because I probably won't be adding second shows
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: again because of scheduling.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: You got some traveling to do this summer.
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: Oh that's right, girl, I'm gonna getting ready. I'm gonna
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: get my condoms ready, Chelsea.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: I am having a little bit of a problem at home.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: You know, I've got these two puppies and they are siblings,
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: and let's just put it this way. Laddie and Wendell
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: really like to hump. They like to hump, they like
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: to be humped. There's like a whole there's a lot
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: like Mimsy's even gotten in on the action. But what
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: is actually like the worst thing is that sometimes Lottie
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: will like try to bite Wendell's penis and he gets
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: really really into it. I don't know whether just to
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: like let them be dogs or to try and break
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: it up. I usually like ask them to stop, but
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: it's they just wrestle in this way that's really uncomfortable
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: for me.
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: I don't know what to say about that. I don't
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: know what happens with sexual assault among dogs. How you
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: handle such things?
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: I know, and I'm like, you're literal. He loves it.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: It's it's actually horrifying. He'll like put his little paw
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: on the back of her head and like go crazy.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: It's why she's giving him a blowjob, exactly.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: It's and then sometimes like Mimsy will get behind Lottie.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: This sounds like I'm making it up, but it's really
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: like there's so much simulated sex going on in my household,
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: and I'm really uncomfortable with that.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: Oh oh, I don't want to see my dogs have
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: sexy though. Her niece is with us today though, right,
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: she's nice for your niece. Are you a sexy object
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: to me? Because she's such a ball of fluff. She
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: was so excited to come for a ride today.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: She is incredible and She's just like a peach. She's
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: just sitting down there being.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: A doorable, I know. And then my little and then
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: my houseman Felix, who is diminutive, so he is little.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: He just texted me and said, where's Bernice? Do you
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: have her? That's that's what's going on in my house.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: She's just at okay, do you know where you are?
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: You's still your own dog today. No, she is incredible.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't react well if somebody was going down on
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: her or she was going down on someone else. I
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: wouldn't like that at all, especially if it were brothers
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: sister action. No, but the dogs aren't really related, just
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: the other two just a little too.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: But MIMSI she has never humped another dog in her
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: whole seven years, but she like loves to hump Lottie.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: And it's just a lot. It's just a lot.
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds like it.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: Well, speaking of sex simulated or otherwise our guests today
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: is pretty exciting.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: She's the host of the award winning number one sexuality
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: podcast which is called Sex with Emily. It's been on
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: the air for nearly two decades, and you can pre
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: order her book, which is called Smart Sex How to
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: Boost your Sex IQ and Own your Own Pleasure that
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: comes out June thirteenth, and she brought a lot of
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: toys for both of us, Catherine, so we can just
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: all go after this. We usually thrupple up because that's
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: her husband over there, and I have intercourse with both
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: of them on the regular good time. We're all Mennonites,
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: so that's what we practice. Okay, So Emily, Hi, nice
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: to see Chelsea.
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: I'm so happy to see you.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: You're all about sex and how to have healthy sex,
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: whether you have a partner or whether you don't exactly
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: talk to us about what you discuss in your new book.
• 6:50
  Speaker 5: Okay, my new book called Smart Sex, How to Boost
• 6:53
  Speaker 5: your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. So for twenty
• 6:56
  Speaker 5: years I've been talking to people about sex and dating love.
• 7:00
  Speaker 5: And I started this because I was having bad I
• 7:03
  Speaker 5: was faking orgasms until I was like in my mid thirties.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: I think we've all been faking orgasms. I mean, as
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: a young person, I faked orgasms all the time because
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: I didn't have It's too hard to explain to somebody
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: what to do you don't know them that well. It's
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: not coming casual sex with someone. It's just like, now,
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: as a woman, I know what to say that's good.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: As a younger.
• 7:22
  Speaker 5: Person, I wasn't even young. I was in my mid
• 7:24
  Speaker 5: thirties though, Chelsea. I was like, I was having a lot,
• 7:27
  Speaker 5: and I just thought that it was I thought it
• 7:29
  Speaker 5: was just me. I didn't realize this was like almost
• 7:30
  Speaker 5: twenty years ago, and I realized that nobody was talking
• 7:32
  Speaker 5: about sex, and so I started a podcast and started
• 7:35
  Speaker 5: interview people out their sex life, a relationship, went back
• 7:37
  Speaker 5: to school, got my doctorate. But then I realized, now,
• 7:40
  Speaker 5: after all these years, it was a lot of the
• 7:42
  Speaker 5: same questions every single day, from people saying, how do
• 7:45
  Speaker 5: I have an orgasm?
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: Which all with my penis.
• 7:48
  Speaker 5: People want a quick fix when it comes to sec
• 7:50
  Speaker 5: They're like, can I can I buy a vibrator and
• 7:52
  Speaker 5: that's gonna help me?
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: Can I use lube?
• 7:54
  Speaker 5: That might help you? But what this book is really
• 7:56
  Speaker 5: about is that sex as wellness. Sex has always been
• 7:59
  Speaker 5: like the bastard child of the health and wellness industry.
• 8:02
  Speaker 5: They're like, oh, sex should just be something that magically
• 8:04
  Speaker 5: works for you. But I created these five pillars of
• 8:07
  Speaker 5: sexual health and wellness. For example, one is embodiment, like
• 8:10
  Speaker 5: am I in my body during sex? My health infects
• 8:14
  Speaker 5: it as well, like if I'm at a certain medication,
• 8:16
  Speaker 5: I'm gonna be dry, I'm a certain time of life.
• 8:18
  Speaker 5: So the book kind of walks you through all these pillars.
• 8:20
  Speaker 5: So it's embodiment embodies being like in this moment, I'm
• 8:24
  Speaker 5: feeling like it's not a meditation stuff too, because most
• 8:26
  Speaker 5: of the questions I get asked people are like, I'm
• 8:28
  Speaker 5: distracted during sex, I can't really feel I'm numb, I'm
• 8:32
  Speaker 5: fantasizing by someone else, which all that happens, and it's
• 8:35
  Speaker 5: that's a terrible thing, but when we really want to
• 8:37
  Speaker 5: be connected and have great sex, like my quest is like,
• 8:39
  Speaker 5: what does just great sex mean? And so I realized
• 8:41
  Speaker 5: that the pillars are like being in your body, even
• 8:44
  Speaker 5: if it's just for a minute, saying okay, like I'm
• 8:46
  Speaker 5: looking at my part or I'm looking in their eyes
• 8:48
  Speaker 5: or breathing together, my hands are on their body, like
• 8:50
  Speaker 5: usually we are just kind of somewhere else. So one
• 8:53
  Speaker 5: of the pillars is like, can I be present even
• 8:55
  Speaker 5: for a minute. And I know you meditate, I mightitate
• 8:58
  Speaker 5: as well. Sometimes I just kind of think if I'm
• 9:00
  Speaker 5: distracted and fantasizing about something else. I just kind of
• 9:03
  Speaker 5: take my five senses and I'll say, what am I
• 9:05
  Speaker 5: smelling right now?
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: What am I hearing?
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: Right now?
• 9:08
  Speaker 5: I'm feeling my hands on their body, and it immediately
• 9:10
  Speaker 5: grounds me in the moment. So I has some of
• 9:11
  Speaker 5: those practices. One of the top questions is why can't
• 9:14
  Speaker 5: I have an orgasm during sex? It could be medication undertaking,
• 9:17
  Speaker 5: it could be trauma, and he'll trauma. So this kind
• 9:20
  Speaker 5: of helps people realize it, like, oh, if I had
• 9:22
  Speaker 5: trauma twenty years ago or something happened to me that
• 9:25
  Speaker 5: might be impacting my ability to orgasm, or I might
• 9:28
  Speaker 5: be on the birth control pill, I might be on
• 9:30
  Speaker 5: a ninety depressant. And the weird thing is, Chelsea, people
• 9:33
  Speaker 5: don't make those connections because sex is sort of siloed
• 9:36
  Speaker 5: into this area where like, well, it was amazing at
• 9:39
  Speaker 5: the beginning, why can't it always be wonderful? And so
• 9:42
  Speaker 5: I kind of help people figure out, like, no, it
• 9:44
  Speaker 5: could be your birth control, it could be your blood plessure, medication.
• 9:47
  Speaker 5: So that's the second one. The third one is self knowledge,
• 9:50
  Speaker 5: like how well do I know myself? Like I know
• 9:53
  Speaker 5: that if I walk into with my partner or any partner.
• 9:56
  Speaker 5: I walk into the house and it's like freezing cold.
• 9:59
  Speaker 5: If it's messy, if I still have shit in my mind,
• 10:02
  Speaker 5: I'm not going to be aroused and turn on and
• 10:04
  Speaker 5: ready for sex. Like I kind of run through my
• 10:06
  Speaker 5: pillars and diagnose myself. Sometimes we're like, why are I
• 10:09
  Speaker 5: turned on and ready to go? Because I think we're
• 10:11
  Speaker 5: Do you ever feel like you're not in the move
• 10:12
  Speaker 5: for sex and you don't know why?
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: Yes, all the time, So this is gonna happen.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: I mean we're in a relationship. Especially that happens I
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: think more frequently than it does when you're in sane
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: exacting after a year.
• 10:22
  Speaker 5: Sex right, and most people I think after a while
• 10:24
  Speaker 5: they don't want to in a relationship. And I and
• 10:27
  Speaker 5: we think that we should just be turned out like
• 10:28
  Speaker 5: a drop of hat like and then we're not. So
• 10:31
  Speaker 5: I think about like if it's yeah, like things are
• 10:34
  Speaker 5: a mess, it's freezing in my house. I don't feel
• 10:36
  Speaker 5: great in my body. I have an exercise, so that's
• 10:38
  Speaker 5: one thing. Then other ones like self acceptance, and that's
• 10:41
  Speaker 5: like confidence, like how do I feel like when you
• 10:43
  Speaker 5: walk around all day and I'm sure I know you
• 10:46
  Speaker 5: hear this from people if we hate our bodies, like
• 10:48
  Speaker 5: we're like, oh, GOI I don't feel great. I don't
• 10:50
  Speaker 5: want to be naked in front of anybody. Why do
• 10:52
  Speaker 5: we think we're gonna be able to like strip down,
• 10:54
  Speaker 5: get naked and be ready to go if all day long,
• 10:56
  Speaker 5: I am like not feeling good about it. So I
• 10:59
  Speaker 5: have like mantra and things people can do to feel
• 11:01
  Speaker 5: a little more confident. I just realize that's one area
• 11:04
  Speaker 5: that I got to work out. And the fifth one
• 11:06
  Speaker 5: is collaboration, and that's the that's the big one. Like
• 11:09
  Speaker 5: most people Chelsea do not talk about sex to their
• 11:11
  Speaker 5: partners at all, and they expect them to be mind readers.
• 11:15
  Speaker 5: And I have a lot of tools how to awkward
• 11:16
  Speaker 5: conversations about sex because again, people just expect like it's
• 11:21
  Speaker 5: just good to be great. And I teach people how
• 11:23
  Speaker 5: to have like give feedback, like you've ever been with
• 11:26
  Speaker 5: someone and you're like, it's just really I wish that
• 11:29
  Speaker 5: they would go down anymore. For example, I wish they
• 11:31
  Speaker 5: would kiss me slowly. Why they pounding away me like
• 11:35
  Speaker 5: a jackhammer?
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: Again?
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: How do I tell them to stop?
• 11:37
  Speaker 5: And so I have tips for like talking about your
• 11:40
  Speaker 5: fantasies and making it hot.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because I think what most people come up against.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: I think is the pressure of when you're in a
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: long term relationship and the honeymoon period has worn off,
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: and you expect sex to remain or be the same
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: as it was in the beginning. It's very unlikely that
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: that stays the same. Although there are exceptions to everything,
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: I guess the dialogue is the real crucial component because
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: people aren't easily able to express what they want from
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: a partner. That's for fear, mostly of hurting that person's feelings.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Exactly right, It's all fear based. We are so afraid
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: that we are going to be unlovable, that a partner's
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: going to reject us. That most people are mute and.
• 12:19
  Speaker 5: They silently walk through sex because we always go back
• 12:22
  Speaker 5: to the honeymoon phase, which is a biological condition. It
• 12:25
  Speaker 5: lasts six months to two years. In every relationship, that
• 12:28
  Speaker 5: will be the hot of sex. Like, I'm sorry to say,
• 12:31
  Speaker 5: you're never going to go back to that stage where
• 12:33
  Speaker 5: you can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. But
• 12:35
  Speaker 5: most of us are so attached to that phase that
• 12:38
  Speaker 5: we're like, well, I got to get back to that,
• 12:39
  Speaker 5: and I want people to know like you're not. It's
• 12:42
  Speaker 5: never going to be as great as it was. However,
• 12:45
  Speaker 5: we can kind of hack that. Essentially, this is getting
• 12:47
  Speaker 5: people to think about, like what can I do if
• 12:49
  Speaker 5: I know I got to work on my arousal. I
• 12:51
  Speaker 5: got to figure out how to tell my partner that
• 12:53
  Speaker 5: this is what I need to be turned on. And
• 12:55
  Speaker 5: it might be a toy, it might be lou it
• 12:57
  Speaker 5: might be getting to like stop talking or whatever it is.
• 13:00
  Speaker 5: And so it just kind of like hack your own
• 13:02
  Speaker 5: arousal because we know sex is important.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: I had an interesting situation where somebody once wherever, they
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: were very aggressive with me, not in a sexy way,
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: like in a slobbery way. And this was somebody I
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: dated for a little bit, you know, and we had
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: a lot of great chemistry and we had great sex,
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: but there were times where this person would just over
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: and kiss me like you know, too much, like yeah,
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: And I couldn't figure out the right language of how
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: to address it because it was like it was just
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: sloppy to me, like it wasn't romantic, it wasn't sexy.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: I felt like I was being too aggressive, like a
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: face rape, like an attack, right and what I said
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: to the person was it was a him. What I
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: said to him was, hey, give me space to come
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: to you, like, let me come to you like I
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: want to be initiated. I want to initiate. When you're
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: kissing me like that, I can't kiss you back because
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: I'm just receiving it hadn't over. I mean it went over.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: I was more. I mean it went over five.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: He got it, well, no.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: Because he got it in the moment, but he didn't
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: get it long term.
• 14:06
  Speaker 5: This is the right, Okay, So this is like the
• 14:08
  Speaker 5: long term solutions in here that you can continue to do.
• 14:12
  Speaker 5: I always things like talk about outside the bedroom and
• 14:14
  Speaker 5: not in the moment because since so I don't know
• 14:16
  Speaker 5: about you.
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: I grew up with shame around sex.
• 14:18
  Speaker 5: I had no sex education, and I felt like if
• 14:21
  Speaker 5: I had to bring up sex to my partner, they
• 14:23
  Speaker 5: brought something to me. A lot of us at least
• 14:24
  Speaker 5: I go in fight or flight, I'm like, what did
• 14:26
  Speaker 5: do wrong? I'm a terrible lover. You hate my vagina,
• 14:28
  Speaker 5: you hate my but and so just realize, like it's okay.
• 14:31
  Speaker 5: We're not used to people talking about sex and kind
• 14:33
  Speaker 5: of giving people tools to talk about like outside the bedroom.
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: We're not still got text in the bedroom.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: Okay, the bedroom.
• 14:41
  Speaker 5: Is like it's too vulnerable. I'm like, save it for
• 14:43
  Speaker 5: sleeping and for sex if you can. Well.
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: It's also like when you're fighting, it's better to talk
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: about a fight sometimes after it's happened hot while you're
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: in it, and like you just let that diffuse, and
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: then after when you're both a little bit calmer, you
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: can say, listen, this wasn't okay or blah blah blah.
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: But yeah, sex is tricky because, yeah, people have a
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: lot of issues around it and body and there are
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: bodies and feeling confident. There's a lot of insecurity.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly, there's the insecurity.
• 15:08
  Speaker 5: And also since nobody is really talking about if you
• 15:10
  Speaker 5: think about it, we talk about it like yes, I
• 15:12
  Speaker 5: had sex, I didn't have sex, but we're not really
• 15:14
  Speaker 5: into like what is actually what do we actually need.
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: To be aroused and turned on?
• 15:19
  Speaker 5: Clearly there's a direction there and maybe they'll come in
• 15:22
  Speaker 5: and I'm like, I'm not even I'm still finishing my
• 15:25
  Speaker 5: work email, I'm not even ready to go, and then
• 15:27
  Speaker 5: I'd feel like pressure to get turned on and aroused
• 15:31
  Speaker 5: and I'm not, And then I realized in this book
• 15:33
  Speaker 5: through myself knowledge and figuring out what I wanted. It's like, oh,
• 15:37
  Speaker 5: I need to have downtime before I even see you.
• 15:39
  Speaker 5: I need to have showered. If I keep bringing this
• 15:42
  Speaker 5: up because like I realized when my house is freezing now,
• 15:44
  Speaker 5: like I will not be in the move for sex
• 15:46
  Speaker 5: if it's dirty I have if the sheet someone else's
• 15:48
  Speaker 5: sheets aren't clean. And so I've learned to like kind
• 15:51
  Speaker 5: of hack my arousal if you will, so I know
• 15:54
  Speaker 5: that all these things need to happen, and not like
• 15:56
  Speaker 5: to be like high maintenance, but just take the pressure
• 15:58
  Speaker 5: off myself that I'm always going to be.
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: Set yourself up to Yeah, and tell my partner that too.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, set your partner up for winning too. I mean,
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: you're helping both of you when you're honest about your feelings.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: You're not demanding something. You're saying this is what I
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: would prefer, this is what's going to help me get
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: in the mood or be more attracted to you, or
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: be more aptive to have sex.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: One of the things that happens in our bedroom is
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: I for a while was shamed by my husband for
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: wearing socks during sex.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: How does that all the time with all three of
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: us actually, which is really appropriate.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: It's true, it's true. But I just found it was
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: like it makes me more comfortable, it makes me more
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe it's like I'm when I have
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: to wear socks because my toks get cold. But then
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: I finally read that women actually can have a higher
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: likelihood of orgasming when they wear socks because you're you're
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: not distracted by cold feet or whatever. The thing is
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: the dirty sheets, the I'm the opposite.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: I want my feet out and free because I don't
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: like warmth. I see, like you're saying your house is gold,
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: be gross, sut if I walked into the house as
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: you war. Okay, this is what.
• 17:03
  Speaker 5: I'm saying is that everybody's different, but we assume that
• 17:06
  Speaker 5: it should just work for us. So I had to
• 17:08
  Speaker 5: like through this self knowledge, and I do give people
• 17:10
  Speaker 5: in smart sex the step that I give like a
• 17:12
  Speaker 5: question throople. They can say, do I know that I
• 17:15
  Speaker 5: need to have had a conversation with my partner beforehand?
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: I need to have.
• 17:19
  Speaker 5: Done something fun with them, you have like physical touch
• 17:22
  Speaker 5: or I need all of these certain things to happen
• 17:24
  Speaker 5: because otherwise it's just the sex is gonna happen, so.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: You know, and also people should be better at reading
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: the room and see if it's an appropriate time, right like,
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: and and if somebody's tired, exhausted, came home from the gym,
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: is you know, like those aren't the moments to go
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: in on someone and be like, oh, like you know,
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: you have to be able to read your partner and
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: see when they're open to that and when you should
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: give them a little bit of space.
• 17:47
  Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly, and then figuring out figure out where they
• 17:50
  Speaker 5: need to taste, but also figure out when is the
• 17:52
  Speaker 5: right sex time for sex to happen. So like, I
• 17:54
  Speaker 5: know that it's not gonna happen from me ten o'clock
• 17:56
  Speaker 5: at night. Most nights, I'm exhausted, I'm a bad I'm
• 17:59
  Speaker 5: doing my thing. I don't so my partner comes home late,
• 18:02
  Speaker 5: they want have sex, so I'm reject. I'm like, no,
• 18:03
  Speaker 5: that's not when I want to have sex. So then
• 18:05
  Speaker 5: I had to figure out, well, when do I want sex?
• 18:07
  Speaker 5: Most partners have missmash the beidos like just to want
• 18:10
  Speaker 5: to set that up. There is always in every relationship,
• 18:13
  Speaker 5: there is the high desire partner and the lower desire partner,
• 18:16
  Speaker 5: and unfortunately two high desire power and too low desired
• 18:19
  Speaker 5: partners never come together.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: They don't, so.
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: Then you got to like trouble shoot.
• 18:23
  Speaker 5: So if I to my partner, I'm like, don't even
• 18:25
  Speaker 5: try because I don't want to feel bad rejecting you.
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: Again.
• 18:28
  Speaker 5: Let's figure out when it's going to happen. So I'm like, okay,
• 18:31
  Speaker 5: made late afternoons is great, early Saturday mornings might be great,
• 18:35
  Speaker 5: but all these other times aren't or even scheduling sex
• 18:38
  Speaker 5: and people think that's the least sexy thing on the planettain.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: People, that's probably exactly what they want, right, No what
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: people right?
• 18:47
  Speaker 5: That's true, they could, but some po are like, I
• 18:50
  Speaker 5: don't want to look at my calendar like pick up
• 18:51
  Speaker 5: dry cleaning, pick up the kids, fuck my partner.
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: You don't want to see that.
• 18:55
  Speaker 5: But then you know, though Saturday night tonight, I can shave,
• 18:59
  Speaker 5: I can breathe, I can clean the house, whatever the
• 19:01
  Speaker 5: things you need to make sure that that night that
• 19:03
  Speaker 5: you have sex, you can do all the whether it's fantasized,
• 19:06
  Speaker 5: whether it's not going out beforehand, masturbatee, all the things
• 19:08
  Speaker 5: you got into toys or charge so you can be
• 19:10
  Speaker 5: ready and not leave it up for chance. And you
• 19:12
  Speaker 5: think that this seems obviously most people are. I get
• 19:16
  Speaker 5: hundreds of questions a week from people, and that's the
• 19:18
  Speaker 5: point I was like, I kind of just have people
• 19:20
  Speaker 5: figure out themselves, because you guys can't talk. Don't you
• 19:22
  Speaker 5: want to answer every email you get.
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: I do that idea, absolutely, and I can't.
• 19:27
  Speaker 5: And then it's the same things, and I'm like, this
• 19:29
  Speaker 5: is going to help people smart sex. I'll help people
• 19:31
  Speaker 5: go through the rubric of questions and be like, oh,
• 19:34
  Speaker 5: this is why I can't get a mowner. This is
• 19:36
  Speaker 5: why I'm not turned on. And so you know, I
• 19:39
  Speaker 5: want to put the power in the people's hands if
• 19:41
  Speaker 5: they crack their own codes of sexuality.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because like it turns me on when I'm in
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: a relationship and I go to the guy I initiate.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: That's a turn on for me. So when you're coming
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: at me all the time, hitting on me all the time,
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: try and have sex with me all the time, that
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: is a turnoff. You know. I'm the type of person
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: like when I'm meeting you, when you make the first move, yes,
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: but once you're in a relationship, and that's how a
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: lot of people feel like, well, I want it to
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: be my idea. I want to go to you like
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: that's sexy to me, you know, giving them a look
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: or putting your hand on them and like yeah, let's go.
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: It's like and then you know, usually obviously the reception
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: is good, but I would like to be able to
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: do more of that, especially in my next relationship.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: I want that good.
• 20:21
  Speaker 5: And so see, this is so good that you know
• 20:23
  Speaker 5: that that's a self knowledge portion and most people don't
• 20:26
  Speaker 5: even know that much.
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: They've never even thought about it.
• 20:28
  Speaker 5: But to be able to say to your partner in
• 20:30
  Speaker 5: a loving one of all these ways that people can do,
• 20:32
  Speaker 5: like their tone right and like timing and the tone
• 20:34
  Speaker 5: to have these conversations, but to be able to say,
• 20:36
  Speaker 5: you know what, I really love being the one that initiates.
• 20:39
  Speaker 5: So it doesn't mean that like I don't want you initiate,
• 20:41
  Speaker 5: but maybe like for the next few weeks or something like,
• 20:43
  Speaker 5: that's going to be on me and I want you
• 20:45
  Speaker 5: to know it's coming, but right now, for the next week,
• 20:47
  Speaker 5: please don't initiate.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: Well, there's this also this fallacy that if you talk
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: about sex too much, you're losing like, you know, the
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: sexiness of it. And I would argue that that's exactly
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: the opposite of the truth. Like the more communication you
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: have about anything, the more on the same page that
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: you and your partner can be. So the difficult conversations
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: that may be challenging are worthwhile if you you know,
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: if you gather up the courage to have the conversation,
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: you're going to be rewarded with the results most likely.
• 21:16
  Speaker 5: Exactly, it can be hot, I mean, and that becomes
• 21:18
  Speaker 5: because what we mostly crave in long term relationship is
• 21:21
  Speaker 5: novelty and spontaneity and something new. And when you get
• 21:25
  Speaker 5: over the shame the stress. In the book, I talk
• 21:27
  Speaker 5: about this the pleasure thieves, which is stress, trauma, and shame.
• 21:30
  Speaker 5: Those are the three things that are keeping us from
• 21:32
  Speaker 5: having sex. Once you get over that, you're like, Okay,
• 21:35
  Speaker 5: I'm going to get rid of my hang ups strong sex.
• 21:37
  Speaker 5: Talking about sex is actually becomes like fun. Like you're
• 21:40
  Speaker 5: talking about like where you're going on summer vacation or
• 21:42
  Speaker 5: where are we going to dinner? You're like, should we
• 21:44
  Speaker 5: try this position? Should we try this new toy?
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: And it is hot, It's doesn't have to be like this.
• 21:50
  Speaker 5: I can't believe we talked about it too much, and
• 21:52
  Speaker 5: now it's no longer hot. It's like the reverse happens.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, agreed, agreed.
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: Yay.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: Wow, let's jump to some collars and solve some people's problem,
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: shall we.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: Okay, do we need to take a quick break.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: back with Emily and Chelsea.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: And we're back.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: We are back. Our first caller is Sarah. She says,
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I'll cut right to the chase. My ex
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: boyfriend cheated on me and gave me genital herpes. Bummer,
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: I'll spare you the statistics. I know, what a jerk.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I'll spare you the statistics. But genital herpes is pretty
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: common and it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm hesitant
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: writing this, but the compassion and honesty with which you've
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: responded to others has made me feel like you might
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: have something to say about the topic that would be helpful,
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: not only to me, but to anyone else dealing with this.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: I was devastated for a long time, but life moved on.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: I got a dog, moved to a different city, and
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: I started pursuing a career that I'm so excited and
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: passionate about and I'm surrounded by people who make me
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: feel loved. I am happy and fulfilled in many ways
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: except for one. I haven't had sex or really any
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: type of intimacy in three years. In order to handle
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: the fear and shame that I was left with, I
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: decided I just wouldn't date and to retire my sexuality
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: at the ripe old age of twenty five. In truth,
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: my sex drive just disappeared when this happened, and I
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: haven't really had any interest in sex solo or otherwise.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: I've been in therapy for years and I've keeled immensely.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: I even managed to go on a few first dates
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: here and there, but it never went further than that.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: I want a life partner, and I want to want
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: a sex life, but I'm holding myself back for fear
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: of being rejected when I disclose my status to someone.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: How do I get past this and allow myself to
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: have a partner and the relationship I deserve? Sarah, Hi, Sarah, Hi,
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: his right place? Hi?
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: How are you?
• 23:49
  Speaker 6: I'm good? Thank you so much for having me.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: You're welcome, well, thank you for calling in. And this
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: is our special guest Emily is here today. She writes
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: about sex, and she does a podcast about sex, and
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: she is all about sex positivity. So then it's a
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: perfect episode for you.
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: Nice got you, Yeah, Sarah, Hi, nice to meet you too.
• 24:09
  Speaker 5: So first I want to say that having herpes is
• 24:12
  Speaker 5: really common.
• 24:13
  Speaker 3: It's not a death sentence to your second.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: One in three people have herpes, by the way, just
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: so you know, one in three people.
• 24:19
  Speaker 5: Yeah, and they don't really a lot of people don't
• 24:21
  Speaker 5: talk about it, they don't disclose it and affects Sarah.
• 24:23
  Speaker 5: A lot of people have it and they don't even
• 24:25
  Speaker 5: know it, and they're spreading it and it's a whole thing.
• 24:28
  Speaker 5: But what I have found is that when you do
• 24:30
  Speaker 5: disclose it to partners, first off, usually they're grateful that
• 24:34
  Speaker 5: you told them. You let them know that you maybe
• 24:36
  Speaker 5: you're perhaps taking a daily suppressant. I'm not sure what
• 24:39
  Speaker 5: kind of medication you're on right now, And really the
• 24:41
  Speaker 5: chance of transmitting if you're taking a daily suppressive is
• 24:44
  Speaker 5: very very slim. So I actually look and hopefully people
• 24:47
  Speaker 5: are getting this knowledge that it's actually I'd rather be
• 24:50
  Speaker 5: with somebody who's on top of their sexual health. They're like,
• 24:53
  Speaker 5: this is what I got I've had chamtea. Once I
• 24:54
  Speaker 5: got it, you're like, great, you actually are somebody who
• 24:57
  Speaker 5: prioritizes your health, and partner who you actually would want
• 25:01
  Speaker 5: to be with is going to say, oh, here's somebody
• 25:03
  Speaker 5: who also cares about her health and who knows how
• 25:05
  Speaker 5: to communicate. And I think you're going to be surprised
• 25:08
  Speaker 5: how many partners you're gonna find. They're gonna be great,
• 25:11
  Speaker 5: no problem. And I'm telling you this from experience too,
• 25:13
  Speaker 5: because I hear this from many of my listeners all
• 25:15
  Speaker 5: the time that once they actually were real about it
• 25:18
  Speaker 5: with somebody, that nine out of ten partners were like, cool,
• 25:21
  Speaker 5: thanks for telling me. Let's go, let's go, let's go
• 25:23
  Speaker 5: to dinner, what are we doing, Let's get in bed, Like,
• 25:24
  Speaker 5: it's not what you think. So I hope you can
• 25:27
  Speaker 5: find the courage to go out there and start to
• 25:30
  Speaker 5: talk to people and realize you're young, it's really common
• 25:33
  Speaker 5: and it's going to be okay.
• 25:35
  Speaker 3: And there's so many.
• 25:35
  Speaker 5: People whose sex lives get even better because now you
• 25:38
  Speaker 5: have the freedom. You're like, I've said it all, I
• 25:40
  Speaker 5: got zero secrets. This is who I am.
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: And once you tell one person, it's not going to
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: be that big of a deal. You're gonna get better
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: at telling people. And also something you need to understand
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: is you don't need to tell somebody that on the
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: first date you're not sleeping with them, probably or are
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: you Nope? No, Yeah, you don't strike me as somebody
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: who's having sex on the first date. So, I mean,
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: you haven't had sex in three years, so it would
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: be crazy for you to just start a write away.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: Well not crazy, but it doesn't seem characteristic of you.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: So you don't have to tell somebody right away. You
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: can build a relationship or the beginnings of a relationship
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: and then sit down. And also characteristically, that says a
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: lot about you, to be upfront and honest with a person.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: They're gonna look at that and be like, before you
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: have sex with them, you can tell them. But also,
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: you're not contagious unless you have an outbreak, correct, correct, right? So,
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: and you're you seem very aware of your diagnosis and
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: it's not a big deal, like it doesn't fucking matter.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: All you have to do is be mindful of other
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: people catching it. So when you have an outbreak, you
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: shouldn't be actively having sex with somebody obviously, but you
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: can tell somebody when you're in a relationship with them,
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself about something
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: that one in three people in the world in the
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: world are dealing with all the time. I mean, you know,
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: you're gonna probably tell somebody who's gonna be like, oh God,
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: I have it too.
• 26:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah, So it happens a lot.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah. By the way, so like me too. So I
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: really wouldn't worry about that aspect of things I understand.
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: I think reading between the lines of your letter and
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: what you're saying is that it's been so long since
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: you've been out there that it's harder to get back
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: in right because you don't have the kind of language
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: or experience other than the bunch of dates that you
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: went on, which I also think is a really good
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: thing and a good practice to just be exercising is dating,
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: because you know, it takes a pressure off when you
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: when you when you have a lot of experience with it,
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: you don't have to look at every date as like,
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: oh my god, is this going to be the one.
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: It's more of like, oh, let me see if I
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: even like this person.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: The more sex you have, the more sex you want
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: to have and I think that goes for solo play
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: as well. If you're just not doing it, it's easy
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: to be like cool, that's on the back burner kind
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: of indefinitely. Maybe there are some things you can try
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: that are like taking a nice bat that are sensual
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: and sexual and like maybe you're not even trying to
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: have an orgasm, but just like starting to prime the
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: pump for yourself with that and getting back into like
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: some solo play before you try to entering out in
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: the world.
• 28:00
  Speaker 5: So true, huge fan of it. Sex begets sex. So
• 28:02
  Speaker 5: we have to keep our own pilot light lit. That's
• 28:04
  Speaker 5: the truth. Since we're in relationships and we think like
• 28:07
  Speaker 5: oh we're dating, we're like, oh, I'm going to save
• 28:09
  Speaker 5: myself or I'll get turned on right when we're ready
• 28:11
  Speaker 5: to go in the bedroom. But that's the other thing
• 28:13
  Speaker 5: we usually we're not, So it's like going to the gym,
• 28:15
  Speaker 5: like you got to keep it going. So solo sex,
• 28:17
  Speaker 5: love and yourself is going to have a way that
• 28:19
  Speaker 5: you're going to stay connected to your sexual energy and
• 28:21
  Speaker 5: then when you're out with somebody, then that's going to
• 28:23
  Speaker 5: be flowing and you're going to be a little more embodied.
• 28:26
  Speaker 6: Yeah, for sure. That makes a lot of sense. I
• 28:28
  Speaker 6: think that kind of was what I was thinking with
• 28:31
  Speaker 6: going on the dates. And I think what I've noticed
• 28:33
  Speaker 6: is because maybe my sex drive has just kind of
• 28:36
  Speaker 6: fizzled out, there's no sexual chemistry. And I can't tell
• 28:39
  Speaker 6: if there's no sexual chemistry because there's no sexual chemistry,
• 28:41
  Speaker 6: or if there's no sexual chemistry because I'm scared, And
• 28:45
  Speaker 6: then it makes it difficult for me to make the
• 28:47
  Speaker 6: right call. Do I want to go on another date?
• 28:49
  Speaker 6: Is there anything there? And I feel like this is
• 28:52
  Speaker 6: not something I struggled with before everything unfolded the way
• 28:55
  Speaker 6: it did.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, it sounds like you're playing a big mental
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: game on yourself, you know what I mean. I mean,
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: I'm glad you're in counseling because I think you I
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: think this is much more of a mental thing than
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: anything else. Do you can I ask you? Do you masturbate?
• 29:08
  Speaker 4: Not?
• 29:09
  Speaker 6: Really?
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: Like there? You should start because if you want to
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: get that sex drive going right, like the way to
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: keep Like my friend was talking, I should say her name,
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: but I won't. My friend was talking about vaginal dryness
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: the other day and we were all laughing at her,
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: and because her doctor was like, the way to prevent
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: vaginal dryness is to use your vagina. And she's like,
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: she's like, I can't have sex with my husic because
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: my vaginas to dry. I'm like, well, that's your vaginas
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: you dry because you won't fucking have sex with your husband,
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: So stop blaming him, and it's you, Like you know,
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: like one thing leads to the other. So I think,
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: just start getting more comfortable with your sexuality, and that
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: does mean masturbating, you know what I mean. Spend time masturbating,
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: use a toy or whatever whatever gets you going. Just
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: start doing that because then you're exuding also a more
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: sexual energy and you're gonna you're more apt to feel
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: chemistry with other people once your sexuality is vibe, because
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: right now you probably feel it sounds like you feel
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: very like your sexuality feels dormant and you want to
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: wake it up right, and so that starts with you.
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: You're taking all the right SIPs, going on dates, you're
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: in therapy, start masturbating, and I mean, I don't think
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: I've ever given this advice book.
• 30:17
  Speaker 5: I literally give this every day that I'm like a pusher.
• 30:21
  Speaker 5: I'm like a loop pusher I'm a toy pusher because
• 30:23
  Speaker 5: it's true, like we get caught off. So yes, masturbation
• 30:26
  Speaker 5: is a huge part of being sexually healthy. And like
• 30:29
  Speaker 5: when you're masturbating, do these like you know, like caggles
• 30:31
  Speaker 5: or like everyone prescribes to a kegle, like now you'll
• 30:33
  Speaker 5: do it now because I'm saying it, but that is
• 30:35
  Speaker 5: literally where that's the power source. So your pelvic floor
• 30:38
  Speaker 5: if you just like right now, squeeze it, like you're
• 30:39
  Speaker 5: like hello, you're connected to it. So when you're even
• 30:42
  Speaker 5: throughout the day, like you take a few deep breasts,
• 30:44
  Speaker 5: you're like, I'm gonna squeeze it.
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: That wakes it up. That's the Kodalini.
• 30:47
  Speaker 5: That's the energy that's going to start to flow because
• 30:49
  Speaker 5: right now it's like dormant because of the fear of
• 30:51
  Speaker 5: trauma you had from this diagnosis. These three years you've
• 30:54
  Speaker 5: been in your head, I'm not sexual and not sexual,
• 30:56
  Speaker 5: but you're twenty five years old, like your whole sexual
• 30:58
  Speaker 5: life is ahead of you.
• 30:58
  Speaker 3: So like I'm not worried.
• 30:59
  Speaker 5: We're not like at all words, it's more like getting
• 31:02
  Speaker 5: more touch, getting embodied, breathing, master bating, and continue to
• 31:05
  Speaker 5: go on these dates with people because it is a muscle.
• 31:08
  Speaker 5: And the more it's like, you know, going to the gym,
• 31:10
  Speaker 5: like maybe you went a lot to the gym three
• 31:11
  Speaker 5: years ago, it's been three years.
• 31:13
  Speaker 3: You go, then you start going back.
• 31:14
  Speaker 5: You go back for five minutes in time the ten
• 31:16
  Speaker 5: minutes you're like, oh, yeah, I move my body again.
• 31:18
  Speaker 5: The same thing goes for sex and for dating, and
• 31:21
  Speaker 5: then yeah, you don't have to tell anyone right away,
• 31:22
  Speaker 5: like when you start to feel it's getting that place
• 31:24
  Speaker 5: he with a second or third date, you're like, oh,
• 31:26
  Speaker 5: by the way, and also here's the other thing. When
• 31:27
  Speaker 5: you are disclosing it, it's not like we need to talk.
• 31:30
  Speaker 3: You gotta be like, hey, yeah, by the way.
• 31:33
  Speaker 5: Once you know that i've herpes and so I take
• 31:34
  Speaker 5: a daily suppressant, which means that it's like not gonna
• 31:37
  Speaker 5: if there's like one percent chance it could transfer, but
• 31:39
  Speaker 5: that's not the case.
• 31:40
  Speaker 3: I just want you to know that any questions, you know.
• 31:42
  Speaker 5: What I mean, like casual not like a death sentences, Nope,
• 31:46
  Speaker 5: that's it. Do you have anything and would do you
• 31:47
  Speaker 5: have anything to tell me about your sex list, like
• 31:49
  Speaker 5: anything that you want to talk about sexually, Like like
• 31:52
  Speaker 5: that just shows you have a growth mindset around sex
• 31:54
  Speaker 5: that you aren't care about your sexual health. And to me,
• 31:56
  Speaker 5: that shows like, Oh, here's somebody who's actually really honest
• 31:59
  Speaker 5: and who's going to prioritize my health, who cares about
• 32:01
  Speaker 5: my health because you're cheering it.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: And you can use this diagnosis to empower your sexuality,
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: right instead of it disempowering you. You can flip the
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: switch on it. You have the power. I'm excited for
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: you because I think you're going to have a big
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: sexual awakening once you get the ball rolling, things are
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: going to open up to you. You're sexy, you're beautiful,
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: you're young, you have all of this opportunity, and the
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: only thing that's preventing that is your own conversation with
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: yourself about your diagnosis. And that's just not going to
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: be the way it is moving forward. Herpes isn't going
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: to do you. You're doing herpes, you know what I mean? Yes, Yeah,
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: that's the way I look at drugs, Like, whenever I
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: take a drug, I'm like, you're not going to control me.
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: I control you. And that's why I have such good
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: experiences with drugs is because I am in control. I
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: don't lose my shit. I don't let something take over
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: my personality. And that's how you have to look at herpes.
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: That does not define you. That's one little blip and
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: it's not even a blip. Who cares? It means nothing?
• 32:59
  Speaker 6: Yeah, totally. I think I kind of have let myself
• 33:03
  Speaker 6: get in my head and like kind of internalize It's
• 33:05
  Speaker 6: it's frequently the butt of a joke, right, Like you
• 33:08
  Speaker 6: see it all the time on the internet, and I
• 33:10
  Speaker 6: think I have let it get in my head. And
• 33:11
  Speaker 6: one thing I guess I go back and forth on
• 33:14
  Speaker 6: is I want to wait until I feel like I'm
• 33:16
  Speaker 6: ready to like disclose and like kind of just give
• 33:18
  Speaker 6: myself the freedom to do that. And then I'm always worried,
• 33:21
  Speaker 6: like what if they react and they're like, well, that's
• 33:24
  Speaker 6: so fucked up and I wasted a bunch of dates
• 33:26
  Speaker 6: with you, and what is that mine to worry about?
• 33:28
  Speaker 5: Even?
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: No, no, but who care?
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: Like yeah, who cares?
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: So then that's not the right person. It's like you're
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: worrying about things that may or may not even happen.
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: You know, the only thing you can guarantee is your
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: own behavior and that you act with a moral compass,
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: and by that it's like sharing the information with a
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: person whom you're going to be romantic with in a
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: long term way. Even you know, like if you're having
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: a one night stand, you don't have an outbreak. Some
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: people might disagree with me, but if you're using protection
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: and you don't have an outbreak, then you are good
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: to go. You've been putting yourself into like sex jail
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: for the last three years because of some fucking asshole.
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: Not so so stop it.
• 34:09
  Speaker 5: I feel like you just let her out too. I
• 34:10
  Speaker 5: feel like we just gave you the I feel like
• 34:12
  Speaker 5: this is the first day of the rest of your
• 34:13
  Speaker 5: sex life right now.
• 34:14
  Speaker 6: I hope it is.
• 34:14
  Speaker 3: I'm feeling that you need to go have sex and
• 34:17
  Speaker 3: report tonight.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah you do, or at least masturbate and report back exactly.
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: So we don't need to report on your masturbations, but
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: we do. But I kind of we want you to masturbate,
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: but we want you to also get out there start
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: experimenting with your sexuality, to reintroduce yourself to this new
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: sexual person that you're about to become.
• 34:38
  Speaker 6: Yeah, thank you, I appreciate it. It's it's just helpful
• 34:42
  Speaker 6: to hear people talking about it.
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: So yeah, I mean you. Listen, you're acting like you
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: have cancer.
• 34:46
  Speaker 3: You don't like totally exactly.
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: You're not dying, you're living, So live it up.
• 34:52
  Speaker 6: Okay.
• 34:53
  Speaker 5: And these people, can I say, with the people who
• 34:55
  Speaker 5: show you who they are, With the guys like, oh,
• 34:57
  Speaker 5: I can't believe you told me it not your person,
• 34:59
  Speaker 5: like the people are doing a favor when they're asshole.
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, yeah, for sure, for sure.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: Well, thanks Sarka, thank you.
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: Don't forget to hit us back. Give us an update
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: in a few months.
• 35:10
  Speaker 6: Okay, we'll do take care.
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: Okay, takes care.
• 35:14
  Speaker 4: Well.
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: Our next caller is Lynn. She says, Dear Chelsea, I
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: am a forty year old woman and I've only been
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: single for a year and a half of my entire
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: adult life. It's not intentional, it just worked out that way.
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: Within my decades of serial monogamy was the confession from
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: my husband and father of my two year old that
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: he identified as a woman and had been cheating on
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: me during our entire relationship. Turns out she just needed
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: a green card. My last relationship was with a wonderful
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: man who I consider the love of my life. Life
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: circumstances led to the end of that relationship after the
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: initial heartbreak about the end of a beautiful relationship. I
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: know that I need to enjoy this time being single,
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: truly single. I've lifted myself out of a self deprecating slump,
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: but there's one thing I just cannot justify out of
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: my mind. That is the sadness that I no longer
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: get to enjoy sex. I'm not a prude or a
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: slutshamer or a hopeless romantic. I just don't get enjoyment
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: from sex with someone that I don't have a connection with.
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: Should I consign myself to a celibate lifestyle or think
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: outside the box and try to push through my natural inclinations?
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: Yours truly, Lynn Hilin Hilen. Nice.
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: Hi, how are you?
• 36:26
  Speaker 3: I'm good?
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: How are you? This is Emily our sex work for
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: the day. Hi. So you're newly single and it sounds
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: like you don't have a lot of experience being single? Yeah?
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: Pretty much? None?
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: Okay, good, Well, it's a wholy beginning now the.
• 36:41
  Speaker 4: Holy I just want to be excited about it, except
• 36:43
  Speaker 4: that I'm like, oh wait, I'm celibate.
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: That's not fun.
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: Okay, So I do want to you know, I think
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: it's important to explore why you're feeling like you need
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: to be celibate, And I do appreciate that you said, like,
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: I just don't feel comfortable having sex with somebody that
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: I'm not emotionally connected with. I had a friend who
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: went through a very similar thing where she identified as demisexual,
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: which is sort of this idea that like, unless you
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: have an actual relationship with someone or you know, feel
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: connect with them, you just like don't really have a
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: sexual attraction to them. Emily, you're nodding your head. Do
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: you want to say a little more about that.
• 37:19
  Speaker 5: Yeah, No, I'm just saying it's really common demi sexual
• 37:22
  Speaker 5: sapio sexual, Like we need to have like an intellectual
• 37:25
  Speaker 5: connection with somebody before we feel hot for them. Like,
• 37:27
  Speaker 5: no one's expecting you need to go out there and
• 37:29
  Speaker 5: be able to bang somebody.
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: Does it?
• 37:31
  Speaker 3: Get the sex over with?
• 37:32
  Speaker 5: Like it's okay to say I know about myself that
• 37:35
  Speaker 5: I'm somebody that needs a certain level of connection and
• 37:38
  Speaker 5: safety with somebody. So I think we could still you
• 37:40
  Speaker 5: could still find that, But it sounds to me like
• 37:43
  Speaker 5: some of the limiting beliefs are coming from these past
• 37:46
  Speaker 5: tumultuous relationships that you just had, right previously, and so
• 37:50
  Speaker 5: you're feeling like, well, now you have to be celibate
• 37:52
  Speaker 5: because there's no one out there, or I have this
• 37:55
  Speaker 5: need that can't be met, and I think that you'll
• 37:57
  Speaker 5: be surprised to find that you can. I know, you
• 38:01
  Speaker 5: can go out there and find new ways to meet
• 38:04
  Speaker 5: people and not pressure yourself, but just have lunches or
• 38:07
  Speaker 5: drinks or dinners or just however it is that you're
• 38:09
  Speaker 5: meeting people and actually see, do I have a connection
• 38:12
  Speaker 5: to this person. It's okay to take a few dates
• 38:14
  Speaker 5: and just see, and then it starts to be it's
• 38:16
  Speaker 5: okay to say that you need to know somebody before
• 38:18
  Speaker 5: you jump about with them. No one's pressuring you to
• 38:20
  Speaker 5: have casual sex. And that's because in case of what
• 38:23
  Speaker 5: you want to have, sounds like you already have knowledge
• 38:25
  Speaker 5: knowing that you need that connection.
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: I do, and I.
• 38:29
  Speaker 4: Worry that I'm going to find a connection and then
• 38:31
  Speaker 4: immediately slide into a relationship, because that's been my experience
• 38:34
  Speaker 4: in the past, as it starts with a connection and
• 38:37
  Speaker 4: sex and then all of a sudden, I'm in a relationship.
• 38:41
  Speaker 5: You could lead with that too, You could let people
• 38:43
  Speaker 5: what I'm all for, like I'm the biggest advocate these days.
• 38:46
  Speaker 5: If you're on the dating apps, you're dating, like, let
• 38:48
  Speaker 5: people know right away exactly what you're willing to do,
• 38:51
  Speaker 5: what you're looking for, and where you're at, Like you
• 38:53
  Speaker 5: can even say. You usually get into all the drama
• 38:55
  Speaker 5: like oh this guy was so right now where I'm
• 38:57
  Speaker 5: at right now, I'm actually looking to date people and
• 39:00
  Speaker 5: have a connection and have something that's a little bit
• 39:02
  Speaker 5: more casual. But I mean this is I have two
• 39:05
  Speaker 5: nights a week to see you. I have one night
• 39:07
  Speaker 5: a week. I would like it to be like this,
• 39:08
  Speaker 5: I use protection. Would you be okay with that? You know,
• 39:11
  Speaker 5: just you'll find that people will say like, oh wow, okay,
• 39:15
  Speaker 5: well that's either what I am looking for or not
• 39:16
  Speaker 5: looking for. I think it's okay to be to be
• 39:19
  Speaker 5: clear that you're going to be surprised how many people
• 39:21
  Speaker 5: you find that are on board with you. And I'm
• 39:23
  Speaker 5: not even saying the first date you got to say
• 39:25
  Speaker 5: all that. But when you're clearer on what you want,
• 39:28
  Speaker 5: it's it's gonna be okay. Casual sex can be really satisfying.
• 39:33
  Speaker 5: In fact, I used to think that too, Like, and
• 39:35
  Speaker 5: I hear this from a lot of people. They're like, well,
• 39:36
  Speaker 5: I have sex with someone, I fall in love. That's
• 39:39
  Speaker 5: just a choice, that's a pattern. You're not really in love.
• 39:42
  Speaker 5: Like you had an orgasm and maybe that made you
• 39:44
  Speaker 5: feel connected, but you're in charge. You can say, you
• 39:47
  Speaker 5: know what what makes you feel connected is that I
• 39:49
  Speaker 5: text them every day, is that I see them four
• 39:51
  Speaker 5: days a week. So you could decide that you're going
• 39:53
  Speaker 5: to have a meaningful casual relationship where you only see
• 39:56
  Speaker 5: them once a week, or you're not texting during the week,
• 39:59
  Speaker 5: but the sex you're is still really satisfying. But you
• 40:02
  Speaker 5: don't allow yourself to fall into the old patterns, right,
• 40:05
  Speaker 5: and you have accountability partners and friends and people around you,
• 40:07
  Speaker 5: and like Chelsea be here, you can check back in
• 40:10
  Speaker 5: you know what I mean, set yourself up for success
• 40:12
  Speaker 5: this week because you know what you don't want it
• 40:13
  Speaker 5: to look like.
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, what is your experience with casual sex.
• 40:18
  Speaker 4: I've During the year and a half that I was
• 40:20
  Speaker 4: quote single, I dated around, so I would, you know,
• 40:23
  Speaker 4: go on dates and maybe have sex with one or
• 40:25
  Speaker 4: two people. I would go to sex parties. I had
• 40:29
  Speaker 4: a lot of fun, but I didn't actually feel a
• 40:32
  Speaker 4: lot of physical pleasure when I didn't have anything there
• 40:36
  Speaker 4: mentally or emotionally.
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: And is it going to be a problem for you
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: to say, Oh, Okay, I'm just gonna give myself six
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: months off of having sex with another person. What does
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: that mean to you if when you hear that.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: That doesn't freak me out.
• 40:50
  Speaker 4: I really wanted to just put dating completely aside and
• 40:54
  Speaker 4: enjoy myself and go to plays and go to the museums.
• 40:57
  Speaker 4: I want to and hang out with friends without that
• 40:59
  Speaker 4: even being an issue, without even putting myself out there
• 41:03
  Speaker 4: to meet someone. Then there's just that like a little
• 41:06
  Speaker 4: bit of sadness of that part of my life that
• 41:09
  Speaker 4: I'm going to miss.
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: Oh. I just think you can accomplish both of those things.
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: You know, if you want to have casual sex, it's available,
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: Like that's not hard to find. But I also just
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: from listening to you, the fact that you've been in
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: relationships accidentally for most of your adult life, this is
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: a huge opportunity to get to know yourself and do
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: all the things you just mentioned doing. You're not going
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: to be single forever. It's very rare that anybody is,
• 41:34
  Speaker 2: especially with your history and especially with you know, being
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: out and about and a social person. It's pretty hard
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: to avoid finding someone that you're going to be attracted
• 41:43
  Speaker 2: to again and wanting to have sex. But I would
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: even more focus just on this time investing in yourself
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: and taking this kind of window that you have and
• 41:52
  Speaker 2: being like, I'm going to do all the shit I
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: want to do right now while I don't have to
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: be tethered to somebody else who may or may not
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: want to join me doing these things, or prevent me
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: from doing the things because we have to do his things,
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: or whatever the dynamic may or could be. I think
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: it's very important for all women to spend a significant
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: amount of time alone by themselves to understand who you
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: are and to be able to ask for the things
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: that you want and to understand what you do want.
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean, Because you might spend six
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: months alone and be like, WHOA, this is glorious. I
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: want this. I want to be alone for another year
• 42:25
  Speaker 2: before I get into anything serious, or I may not
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: want to be with someone again. Who knows what conclusion
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: you'll come to. You know, it's not black and white
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: like that necessarily, but it's a huge like opportunity for
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: growth for you, and you should just look at it
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: like that. Instead of the things that you're missing, like, oh,
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: it's not like that. Look at all the things that
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: you're gaining by being alone and being able to go
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: to the museums, by being able to go to movies
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: by yourself or plays or with friends and not have
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: that kind of coupledom attached to it all.
• 42:57
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I have to say that that is the best.
• 43:00
  Speaker 5: So now that I'm hearing where you're at, it was
• 43:02
  Speaker 5: not healthy in the past and all that taking six
• 43:04
  Speaker 5: months and saying I'm going to do I did this
• 43:07
  Speaker 5: when I was forty two. I did a mandatorium. It
• 43:09
  Speaker 5: was like a moratorium. I ment I'm like, I'm not
• 43:11
  Speaker 5: doing it for six months, and it was so freeing
• 43:14
  Speaker 5: to be like I don't.
• 43:15
  Speaker 3: Have to think about it.
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: I can do me.
• 43:17
  Speaker 5: I can figure out who I am without a man
• 43:19
  Speaker 5: in my life, because I kept going from one to
• 43:20
  Speaker 5: the next and I really just wanted to figure out.
• 43:22
  Speaker 5: And it was such a wonderful time to get to
• 43:24
  Speaker 5: know who I am without a guy. I can go
• 43:27
  Speaker 5: to the opper where I can go see friends, I
• 43:29
  Speaker 5: can really think about it and I can reflect. It
• 43:32
  Speaker 5: gives you this open space to say what worked in
• 43:34
  Speaker 5: the past, what didn't work in the past. There so
• 43:36
  Speaker 5: much more time and then when you're ready, it's intentional, right,
• 43:39
  Speaker 5: you can you have the intentionality around now I'm ready
• 43:42
  Speaker 5: to step back into the dating world, and there's just
• 43:44
  Speaker 5: just realize how much time you have when you're not
• 43:46
  Speaker 5: thinking about texting someone and am I going to have
• 43:49
  Speaker 5: sex with this person or not. Huge growth happens in
• 43:52
  Speaker 5: the time of relationship with yourself and.
• 43:56
  Speaker 4: Looking forward to that.
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And Emily, you talk a lot in your book
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: to you about when it does come to solo sex
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: or masturbation or those types of things. Really discovering what
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: you like happens when you're by yourself, So like that
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: maybe another thing that you want to actually really intentionally
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: work on, or is having a thriving sex life that
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: like doesn't involve another partner for a while.
• 44:19
  Speaker 3: Exactly.
• 44:20
  Speaker 5: Yeah, the best work, the best sexual discoveries I made
• 44:23
  Speaker 5: was my solo sex time without a partner. I didn't
• 44:26
  Speaker 5: think I could have ju spot orgasms, for example. I
• 44:29
  Speaker 5: didn't think I could have multiple orgasms.
• 44:30
  Speaker 3: I didn't even know.
• 44:31
  Speaker 5: And I was like, I'm going to take time and
• 44:33
  Speaker 5: figure out my own owner's manual because I used to
• 44:36
  Speaker 5: leave it up to the guy. I'm like, well, he
• 44:37
  Speaker 5: must be able to figure it out, and like they
• 44:39
  Speaker 5: don't know what they're doing. I realized that no one
• 44:41
  Speaker 5: really knows, so I might as well take the time.
• 44:43
  Speaker 5: I got toys, I got lubs. I just kept talking
• 44:46
  Speaker 5: about researching it, and then I was realized. When I
• 44:48
  Speaker 5: was with a partner, not only was I more embodied
• 44:52
  Speaker 5: and I was more comfortable, but then I could actually say,
• 44:54
  Speaker 5: uh uh, like that doesn't work. We're not going so fast,
• 44:57
  Speaker 5: like slow down, go down to me for thirty minutes.
• 44:59
  Speaker 5: That's what's going to w Like. I was able to
• 45:01
  Speaker 5: be my own best advocate, and I want that for
• 45:03
  Speaker 5: you too. Most of us don't take time for that
• 45:06
  Speaker 5: at all, So I highly encourage time alone with yourself,
• 45:10
  Speaker 5: masturbating and having gets, you know, loving up on yourself.
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, go home, masturbate, then go to a play,
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: and then go to a museum and see how you
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: like that.
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, sounds perfect. It sounds like a lovely saturday, honestly.
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, seriously. Okay, Well, I hope we were able to
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: help you today, Lynn. Yes, thank you, Okay, take care.
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much, report back, okay, bye.
• 45:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: I thought that was a really important call, just because
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: I think people think like, oh, well, you know, my
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: sex life is over just because I don't have a partner,
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: and I don't think that's true.
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: But I just don't understand, like everyone needs to just
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: stop thinking that whatever is happening now is permanent.
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: It's not.
• 45:53
  Speaker 2: It's like, just because you break up and you don't
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: have a boyfriend doesn't mean you're never gonna have a
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: boyfriend again. It doesn't worked like that. Life doesn't work
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: like that. And instead of resisting whatever situation you're in,
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: embrace it and be like, Okay, this is my reality
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: for however long, because it could be a month and
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: she could fall in love with another guy and then
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: she only had that month to herself, and that's a
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: bigger issue in my opinion, being interdependent constantly.
• 46:18
  Speaker 3: Yes, I'm thinking that we're broken.
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: If we're single, well, let's take a quick break and
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: we'll be back to wrap up with Chelsea and Emily,
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: and we're back. We're back. Our last question comes from Beth.
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: Her location is somewhere in Europe. I'm an American and
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: have been dating a wonderful German guy for the past
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: three and a half years. We both have been previously
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: married and have kids. I've learned over the past two
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: years that his parenting styles are much different than mine.
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: Six months ago, he told me his daughter, who was
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: turning fourteen, wanted to have a sleepover party with some friends,
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: two girls and four boys, including her first boyfriend. She
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: also asked if her boyfriend could sleep in her bed
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: that night. He told me that he and his ex
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: wife have a very open relationship with their daughter, and
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: she told them that she's not ready for sex, but
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: just wants to snuggle with her boyfriend on her birthday. He,
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: his ex, and the parents of the kids invited were
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: all fine with the sleepover. My partner had a barbecue
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: for the kids and they were even allowed some beer
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: to drink that night. The kids stayed up all night
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: and he made them breakfast in the morning. My respect
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: for him as an amazing dad has diminished, and after
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: I heard about this, I didn't speak to him for
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: a week. I felt sick to my stomach and even
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: had trouble sleeping after hearing this. Recently, I asked about
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: his daughter and found out that she's now on the
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: pill and regularly having sex with her boyfriend. This news
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: came to me as a complete shock, but somehow I
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: knew it was coming. Now I'm not sure if I
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: can continue this relationship. My partner is very sympathetic to
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: my feelings, but he's proud of his relationship with his
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: daughter and feels he's done nothing wrong. He isn't proud
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: that she's having sex at such a young age, but
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: believes that she's very mature and it was bound to
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: happen sooner or later. He's happy that she's experiencing love
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: and passion at fourteen, rather than choosing drugs or alcohol.
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: I love him dearly, but I'm so disappointed in him
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: as a father and a parent. With a twelve year
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: old son and fourteen year old daughter. There are still
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: many years of parenting ahead of him. These aren't my children,
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: So why do I care so much? What do you
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: think I should do? Beth?
• 48:21
  Speaker 2: Back up the judgment, Beth, these are not your children.
• 48:24
  Speaker 2: You are not their parents. They're European. The rules are
• 48:28
  Speaker 2: very different and probably more appropriate, quite frankly, because you
• 48:33
  Speaker 2: know European kids are. They're looser with sex, they're looser
• 48:37
  Speaker 2: with drinking. Parents are looser with you know what. They
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: the parameters they put on children over there, and guess what,
• 48:43
  Speaker 2: they have a lot less fucked up children because they're
• 48:45
  Speaker 2: not saying you can't do this until you're twenty one,
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: or you can't do this until you're eighteen. Yeah, fourteen
• 48:50
  Speaker 2: is young, tob be having sex, But guess what. I
• 48:52
  Speaker 2: was having sex when I was fourteen, and I'm okay,
• 48:55
  Speaker 2: I'm not fucked up, you know, like, yeah, it's a
• 48:58
  Speaker 2: little bit young, but it's different for everybody. And it's
• 49:01
  Speaker 2: not your job to parents his parenting unless you're gonna
• 49:05
  Speaker 2: have children with him. Did she says she wants children
• 49:07
  Speaker 2: with him.
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: No, but she has kids of her own as well.
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: I just think they're not under the same roof.
• 49:12
  Speaker 2: Well, then parent them. Great, parent your children, and let
• 49:16
  Speaker 2: him parent his. The judgment is so thick. It's just
• 49:19
  Speaker 2: too much. You're so judgmental of his parenting. It's it's
• 49:23
  Speaker 2: really not your issue to ever even give your opinions
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: on unless you're asked.
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and she's an American. We grew up with all this shit.
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: By the way, Americans don't have it figured out. FYI.
• 49:36
  Speaker 5: We are so messed up because what happens in BA
• 49:38
  Speaker 5: exactly what happens in America.
• 49:39
  Speaker 2: We're like, we sell children guns in this country. So
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: remember that Joernals don't do that.
• 49:44
  Speaker 5: No, they don't have the gun problem. They don't have
• 49:46
  Speaker 5: the sex problems as much because they normalize sex. They
• 49:49
  Speaker 5: start teaching sex at in some places in Europe, especially
• 49:52
  Speaker 5: the Netherlands, when kids are like five years old. They're
• 49:55
  Speaker 5: not saying like, here's how you put in a condom.
• 49:56
  Speaker 5: They're saying, it's your body. They name the parts. They
• 49:59
  Speaker 5: don't say who oh, They're like, that's your vagina, that's
• 50:01
  Speaker 5: your volva, and they normalize sex. So when they talk
• 50:04
  Speaker 5: about sex and sex education, and maybe the German guy
• 50:07
  Speaker 5: it's like this where his kids grew up is they
• 50:11
  Speaker 5: have sex education where they do talk about STIs and
• 50:14
  Speaker 5: getting pregnant, but they also talk about pleasure and they're like,
• 50:17
  Speaker 5: here's how you would have an orgasm, and here's how
• 50:19
  Speaker 5: you ask for consent. So perhaps they had really comprehensive
• 50:22
  Speaker 5: sex education in school. And his daughter came to him
• 50:25
  Speaker 5: and said, Daddy, I feel safe, I'm gonna have sex.
• 50:27
  Speaker 5: He's like, great, let's get you on the birth control
• 50:29
  Speaker 5: pill and all those things. So I understand why that's
• 50:31
  Speaker 5: foreign because contrary to America, where we just tell kids
• 50:35
  Speaker 5: are by the way growing up, they're seeing porn at
• 50:37
  Speaker 5: like eight years old on their iPad and then they're
• 50:41
  Speaker 5: just told it's like shameful and wrong and there's zero
• 50:44
  Speaker 5: for information except for sex is gonna be this wonderful thing,
• 50:47
  Speaker 5: and then they go off and have sex and they
• 50:48
  Speaker 5: have no idea what they're doing. So I'm down with
• 50:50
  Speaker 5: him saying like, I'm so your parent. If you're gonna
• 50:53
  Speaker 5: have sex, here's birth control pill. Do it rather have
• 50:56
  Speaker 5: me do it to my home without alcohol and telling
• 50:58
  Speaker 5: me what's going on than this, Yes, she's got it,
• 51:00
  Speaker 5: and I'll stand your own kids.
• 51:02
  Speaker 2: That with the ripple effect that that kind of parenting
• 51:04
  Speaker 2: has means kids are not hiding, they're not shameful. They
• 51:08
  Speaker 2: are able to communicate with their parents in a healthy
• 51:10
  Speaker 2: dialogue about things that are pretty sensitive. And American kids
• 51:14
  Speaker 2: aren't like that, you.
• 51:15
  Speaker 3: Know, messed up about it.
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: Back it up, sister, back it up and focus on
• 51:19
  Speaker 2: some other things. Yeah, oh, Emily, what what it's the light?
• 51:24
  Speaker 2: You have been Chelsea? So fun. I can't wait to
• 51:27
  Speaker 2: read your book as Smart Sex. We just got it yesterday,
• 51:30
  Speaker 2: So I didn't get a chance to read it, but
• 51:32
  Speaker 2: I got to dive right in.
• 51:33
  Speaker 5: Yes, thank you smart Sex. Yeah, please do Guvan, thanks
• 51:36
  Speaker 5: for having me. I appreciate it. But you are a
• 51:38
  Speaker 5: blast and this is a good time.
• 51:42
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much. Okay, guys. Also, I have added
• 51:45
  Speaker 2: more second shows to my Little Big Bitch tour. I
• 51:49
  Speaker 2: added second shows in Hollywood at the Pantages. I am
• 51:53
  Speaker 2: going to be there two nights October twelfth and thirteenth.
• 51:57
  Speaker 2: I added another show at the Chicago October twenty seventh
• 52:01
  Speaker 2: and October twenty eighth, one of my favorite places to perform.
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: I added another show in Portland, so I'll be there
• 52:07
  Speaker 2: November second and third. And I added a second show
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: in Boston at the Weighing Center, so I will be
• 52:14
  Speaker 2: there November sixteenth and seventeenth. I also have two shows
• 52:17
  Speaker 2: in Seattle, San Francisco, New York at the Beacon and Washington,
• 52:22
  Speaker 2: d C. I will be there October fifth and sixth.
• 52:25
  Speaker 2: And a special shout out to Phoenix, Arizona, where I'm
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: coming Saturday October fourteenth. And then I'm coming to Cleveland
• 52:33
  Speaker 2: Columbus in Pittsburgh, So suck on that, you guys. I
• 52:36
  Speaker 2: can't wait to see everybody. Oh, and I'm coming to Eugene,
• 52:39
  Speaker 2: Oregon too, everybody. That's November ninth, twenty twenty three, and
• 52:44
  Speaker 2: I will be at the Clubhouse in East Hampton, which
• 52:48
  Speaker 2: is going to be a very intimate show on Saturday,
• 52:51
  Speaker 2: August twenty sixth. So if you are in the Long
• 52:53
  Speaker 2: Island area, that's where I'll be the Clubhouse.
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.