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16 - A Confession - Leo Tolstory · Philosophy and Faith

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  Speaker 1: Chapter sixteen of a confession by Leo Tolstoyven. And I
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  Speaker 1: ceased to doubt and became convinced that not always true
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  Speaker 1: when the religion I had joined. Formerly, I should have
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  Speaker 1: said that it was all false, but I could not
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  Speaker 1: say so. Now the whole of the people possessed a
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  Speaker 1: knowledge of the truth, for otherwise I could not have lived. Moreover,
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  Speaker 1: that knowledge was accessible to me, for I had felt
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  Speaker 1: it and lived by it. But I no longer doubted
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  Speaker 1: that there was also falsehood in it. And all that
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  Speaker 1: had previously repelled me now presented itself vividly before me.
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  Speaker 1: And though I saw that among the peasants there was
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  Speaker 1: a smaller admixture of lies that repelled me that among
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  Speaker 1: the representatives of the Church, I still saw that in
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  Speaker 1: the peoples's belief also falsehood was mingled in the truth.
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  Speaker 1: But where did the truth and where did the falsehood
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  Speaker 1: come from? Both the falsehood and the truth were contained
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  Speaker 1: in the so called holy tradition in the scriptures. Both
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  Speaker 1: the falsehood and the truth had been handed down by
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  Speaker 1: what is called the Church, And whether I liked it
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  Speaker 1: or not, I was brought to the study and investigation
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  Speaker 1: of these writings and traditions which till now I had
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  Speaker 1: been so afraid to investigate. And I turned to the
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  Speaker 1: examination of that same theology, which I had once rejected
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  Speaker 1: with such contempt as unnecessary. Formerly it seemed to me
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  Speaker 1: the series of unnecessary absurdities, when on all sides I
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  Speaker 1: was surrounded by manifestations of life which seem to be
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  Speaker 1: clearer and full of sense. Now I should have been
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  Speaker 1: glad to throw away what would not enter a healthy head.
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  Speaker 1: But I had nowhere to turn to on this teaching.
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  Speaker 1: Religious doctrine rests, or at least with it. The only
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  Speaker 1: knowledge of the meaning of life I have found is
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  Speaker 1: inseparably connected. However wild it may seem to my firm
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  Speaker 1: old mind, it was the only hope of salvation. It
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  Speaker 1: had to be carefully attentively examined in order to understand it,
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  Speaker 1: and not even to understand it. As I understand the
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  Speaker 1: propositions of science, I do not seek that, nor can
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  Speaker 1: I seek it. Knowing the special character of religious knowledge,
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  Speaker 1: I shall not seek the explanation of everything. I know
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  Speaker 1: that the explanation of everything, like the commencement of everything,
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  Speaker 1: must be concealed in infinity. But I wish to understand
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  Speaker 1: in a way which will bring me to what is
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  Speaker 1: inevitably inexplicable. I wish to recognize anything that is inexplicable
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  Speaker 1: as being not so because the demands of my reason
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  Speaker 1: are wrong, they are right, and apart from that I
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  Speaker 1: can understand nothing. But because I recognize the limits of
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  Speaker 1: my intellect, I wish to understand in such a way
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  Speaker 1: that everything that is inexplicable shall present itself to me
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  Speaker 1: as being necessarily inexplicable, and not as being something I
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  Speaker 1: am under an arbitrary obligation. To believe that there is
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  Speaker 1: truth in the teaching is to me indubitable, but is
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  Speaker 1: also certain that there is falsehood in it. And I
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  Speaker 1: must find what is true and what is false, and
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  Speaker 1: must disentangle the one from the other. I am seeking
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  Speaker 1: to work upon this task. What if falsehood I have
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  Speaker 1: found in the teaching, and what I have found of truth,
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  Speaker 1: and to what conclusions I came will form the following
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  Speaker 1: parts of this work, which, if it be worth it,
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  Speaker 1: and if anybody wants it, will probably some day be
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  Speaker 1: printed somewhere eighteen seventy nine. The foregoing was written by
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  Speaker 1: me some three years ago, and will be printed now.
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  Speaker 1: A few days ago when revising it, and returning to
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  Speaker 1: this line of thought, to the feelings I had when
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  Speaker 1: I was living through it all, I had a dream.
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  Speaker 1: This dream expressed in the condensed form all that I
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  Speaker 1: have experienced and described, And I think, therefore, for those
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  Speaker 1: who have understood me, a description of this dream will
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  Speaker 1: refresh and elucidate and unify what has been set forth
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  Speaker 1: at such a length in the foregoing pages. The dream
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  Speaker 1: was this. I saw that I was lying on a bed.
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  Speaker 1: I was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable. I was lying on
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  Speaker 1: my back. But I began to consider how and on
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  Speaker 1: what I was lying, a question which had not until
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  Speaker 1: then occurred to me. And observing my bed, I saw
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  Speaker 1: I was lying on plated string supports attached to its sides.
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  Speaker 1: My feet were resting on one such support, my calves
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  Speaker 1: on another, and my legs felt uncomfortable. I seemed to
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  Speaker 1: know that those supports were movable, and with a movement
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  Speaker 1: in my foot, I pushed away the furthest of them
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  Speaker 1: at my feet. It seemed to me that it would
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  Speaker 1: be more comfortable, so but I pushed it away too
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  Speaker 1: far and wished to reach it again with my foot,
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  Speaker 1: And that movement caused the next support under my calves
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  Speaker 1: to slip away, also so that my legs hung in
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  Speaker 1: the air. I made a movement with my whole body
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  Speaker 1: to adjust myself, fully convinced that I could do so
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  Speaker 1: at once. But the movement caused the other supports under
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  Speaker 1: me to slip and become entangled, and I saw that
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  Speaker 1: matters were going quite wrong. The whole of the lower
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  Speaker 1: part of my body slipped and hung down. Though my
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  Speaker 1: feet did not reach the ground. I was holding on
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  Speaker 1: only by the upper part of my back, and not
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  Speaker 1: only did it become uncomfortable, but I was even frightened.
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  Speaker 1: And then only did I asked myself about something which
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  Speaker 1: had not occurred to me before. Then I asked myself,
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  Speaker 1: where am I and what am I lying on? And
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  Speaker 1: I began to look around, and first of all, look
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  Speaker 1: down in the direction which my body was hanging and
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  Speaker 1: where I felt I must soon fall. I looked down
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  Speaker 1: and did not believe my eyes. I was not only
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  Speaker 1: at a height comparable to the height of the highest
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  Speaker 1: towers or mountains, but at a height such as I
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  Speaker 1: could have never even imagined. I could not even make
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  Speaker 1: out whether I saw anything there below in that bottomless
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  Speaker 1: abyss above which I was hanging, and whither I was
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  Speaker 1: being drawn. My heart contracted and I experienced horror. To
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  Speaker 1: look thither was terrible. If I looked thither, I felt
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  Speaker 1: that I should at once slip from the last support
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  Speaker 1: and perish. And I did not look. But not to
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  Speaker 1: look was still worse, for I thought of what would
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  Speaker 1: happen to me directly if I fell from the last support.
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  Speaker 1: And I felt that from fear, I was losing my
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  Speaker 1: last supports, and that my back was slowly slipping lower
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  Speaker 1: and lower. Another moment and I should drop off. And
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  Speaker 1: then it occurred to me that this cannot be real.
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  Speaker 1: It is a dream. Wake up. I try to arouse myself,
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  Speaker 1: but cannot do so what am I to do? What
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  Speaker 1: am I to do? I ask myself and look upwards
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  Speaker 1: above there is also an infinite space. I look into
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  Speaker 1: the immensity of sky and try to forget about the
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  Speaker 1: immensity below, and I really do forget it. The immensity
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  Speaker 1: below repels and frightens me. The immensity above attracts and
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  Speaker 1: strengthens me. I am still supported above the abyss by
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  Speaker 1: the last supports that have not yet slipped from under me.
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  Speaker 1: I know that I am hanging but I only look upwards,
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  Speaker 1: and my fear passes. As happens in dreams, a voice says,
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  Speaker 1: notice this, this is it. And I look more and
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  Speaker 1: more into the infinite above me, and feel that I
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  Speaker 1: am becoming calm. I remember all that has happened, and
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  Speaker 1: how it happened, how I moved my legs, how I
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  Speaker 1: hung down, how frightened I was, and how I was
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  Speaker 1: saved from fear by looking upwards. And I asked myself, well,
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  Speaker 1: and now am I not hanging just the same, And
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  Speaker 1: I do not so much look round as experience with
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  Speaker 1: my whole body the point of support on which I
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  Speaker 1: am held. I see that I no longer hang about
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  Speaker 1: as if to fall, but am firmly held. I ask
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  Speaker 1: myself how I am held. I feel round, look round,
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  Speaker 1: and see that under me, under the middle of my body,
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  Speaker 1: there is one support, and that when I look upward
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  Speaker 1: words I lie on it in a position of securest balance,
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  Speaker 1: and that it alone gave me the support before and then,
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  Speaker 1: as happens in dreams, I imagined the mechanism by means
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  Speaker 1: of which I was held, a very natural, intelligible and
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  Speaker 1: sure means. Though to one awake, the mechanism made no sense.
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  Speaker 1: I was even surprised in my dream that I had
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  Speaker 1: not understood it. Sooner it appeared that at my head
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  Speaker 1: there was a pillar, and the security of that slender
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  Speaker 1: pillar was undoubted, though there was nothing to support it.
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  Speaker 1: From that pillar, a loop hung very ingeniously and yet simply,
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  Speaker 1: And if one lay with the middle of one's body
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  Speaker 1: in that loop and looked up, there could be no
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  Speaker 1: question of falling. This was all queer to me, and
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  Speaker 1: I was very glad and tranquil. And it seemed as
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  Speaker 1: if someone said, to me, see that you remember, And
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  Speaker 1: I awoke. End of chapter sixteen, end of a confession
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  Speaker 1: by Leo Tolstoy