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Why is it so hard to leave a narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So what makes it so hard to leave a narcissist?
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  What's makes it so Dang on difficult to finally walk away
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  from this relationship? What is what is the one main
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  thing that makes it so tough to get away from a narcissist?
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  Of course, that's what we're talking about today, y'all.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist and welcome to another episode of
• 0:20
  The Narcissist Code. Welcome back, folks.
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  Welcome back. Welcome back.
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  Yes yo, narcissistic people are not easy to leave.
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  I I feel like that goes without saying.
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  I feel like I can stop the video right there and go about my day.
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  Y'all will like it and we'll and comment and share it to your
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  friends. We can be all about our day
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  right? If only the perfect world is how
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  it would be right? But we know that narcissists are
• 1:01
  tough to leave. That's why y'all follow me.
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  You want to know how to leave? You want to know how to make you
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  want to know how to just survive and thrive or whatever in these
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  types of relationship dynamics. But you know one damn thing that
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  makes it tough to leave? The fact that it's not always
• 1:13
  bad. The fact that there are going to
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  be good times with this abusive, manipulative, toxic person.
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  The fact that there are good times with this person make it
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  so hard to leave this person. And I know a lot of people are
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  going to vibe with that right there lately.
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  You know what? Damn it, You're right.
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  Of course, the mind of a narcissist is here, y'all.
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  So I talked to so many survivors and thrivers over the last five
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  years, right, of doing this. I've had the opportunity to talk
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  to so many people. And that's one of the main
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  things that people say, Lee, there is not always bad.
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  And I say, of course, y'all. Of course it's not.
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  Just imagine this. Yeah, close your eyes and
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  imagine this scenario right here.
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  Imagine you just meet this person.
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  It's the first date, the first day.
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  You're sitting now in a restaurant in Paris.
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  Y'all both are having some kombucha, Little Caesar's pizza
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  and and your favorite beverage, right?
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  Imagine things going well and they get up, they take the
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  pizza, they take the Little Caesar's pizza and smash it in
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  your face, right? Not only that, they take the
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  kombucha and throw it in your face and then they yell at you
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  and scream at you and talk junk about your Mama.
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  They tell you, they tell you upfront that they're going to
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  cheat on you. They tell you upfront that
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  they're going to use every single thing that you tell them
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  on you later on. Every single trauma, every
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  single dark secret that you share with me is going to be
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  used later on against you. What if they said that?
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  Would you still be with this person?
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  Right? You you wouldn't go there at
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  first, you wouldn't be with them at 1st.
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  And if that was the way the relationship went from the
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  beginning to the end, you think you would still be with that
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  person if it if it was always awful, would you still be here?
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  And most times, the answer to that question is going to be no,
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  hell no. You're not going to stay with
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  this person. Why would you?
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  That's doing yourself. That's doing yourself a huge
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  disservice. Right?
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  Most people would leave immediately.
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  Now, are there some people who wouldn't leave?
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  And who would think, who would find a way to blame themselves
• 3:24
  and take accountability for something that they didn't do?
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  Yeah, that happens. Might be some of y'all watching
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  this, but it's not always going to be bad 100% of the time.
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  There are going to be good times.
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  There just yeah, there just is. But in order to heal, in order
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  to get away from this person, in order to fully thrive and get to
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  get to your, your destination, your healing destination, you
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  can't focus on the good times. Because that's what happens when
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  you're sitting there ruminating and you're having memories that
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  you sitting there laying down that night by yourself crying.
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  And then you started imagine like, well, it wasn't always
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  that bad. And when you think of an inside
• 4:02
  joke that they told you, you think of something funny, you
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  think about the good times, clapping cheats on the beach or
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  something like that. You think about that stuff,
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  don't you? You do.
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  And when you think about it, you keep doing the same.
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  Like when you think about it, you want to go back into it, We
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  think about it, you don't want to fully let it go.
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  When you think about the good stuff, you want to break no
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  contact there, don't you? There's so many people that get
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  caught up in that situation right there where you want to
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  actually break no contact and it doesn't serve you, doesn't help
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  you at all. It really does not.
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  And that's just me being real with you.
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  Breaking no contact helps 0% of y'all.
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  I'm real, I'm busy. Hey, I'm just being real with
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  you right now. You break no contact, you lose.
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  If you break no contact with a narcissist, I promise you, you
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  will lose. Like if there's no like the very
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  rarely does anything good come from back breaking no contact
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  with an abusive person. So that's why when the good
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  times come up, I want you. Like I said, This is why I tell
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  sometimes. This is why I tell people
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  sometimes, right when the good times come up, don't just try to
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  bury them down, Don't shake them off.
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  Go through that memory. Go through that full memory.
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  I remember I I went all out for their birthday and they were
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  super happy and they smiled and there I threw my surprise party.
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  They were so happy. I surprised them.
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  They were extremely so happy. That's that was a good memory.
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  Keep remembering though, what happened later on.
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  Did they yell and scream at you? Did they get pissed off that you
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  invited all these people to the house without letting them know?
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  Did they get pissed off? Did you celebrated their
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  birthday in the 1st place? You see what I'm saying?
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  How did you get what's the in acting?
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  They call it the the moment before.
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  What happened before and after that good time?
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  Was it 100% peachy Dory? No it wasn't.
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  No, no. The reason why your brain or our
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  brains want to focus on a good time sometimes because we want
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  to feel better. Our brains don't want to feel
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  bad, we want to feel good. So in order to feel good and
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  release the feel good chemical is the oxytocin we want.
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  We want the good. We want the good stuff, the good
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  chemicals, we want to release them.
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  Our brains are going to try to make us feel better.
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  Your brain is going to try to make you feel better by breaking
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  up the good times that you had with this person, good memories.
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  Your brain doesn't want to be sad.
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  Your mind doesn't want to be sad all day.
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  No, it's going to try to shake and bake and make try to make it
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  feel make try to make you and itself feel good.
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  So it's going to break up the good stuff.
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  Why wouldn't it? You see what I'm saying?
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  It's going to try to bring it up.
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  And yes, bringing up the good memories can make you smile
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  sometimes, but they also make you mad because this person, you
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  going to think you're going to think like, but you're going to
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  think about it like this. Things were just going so good
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  and then they broke up with me and they ended it.
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  And it's just like we could have been a great, we could have been
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  a power couple, we could have been amazing.
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  Things could have been going so well, but they decided to break
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  up with me. They decided to do some stupid
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  ass stuff to me and hurt my feelings and break my damn
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  heart. And now I'm sulking.
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  Now I'm in pain. Now you can be angry that look,
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  sometimes you, we have those memories about the good times.
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  What's going to end up happening is you want to shift from
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  feeling from feeling amazing and feeling good to being angry
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  because it's over. And that's normal.
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  That's normal. And when anger comes up, you had
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  to find a healthy way to release that anger.
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  Y'all a healthy way to release that anger Because guess what
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  happens if you don't, you're going to get mad as hell,
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  especially to me. Don't be drinking or do anything
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  doing these times because don't do don't get drank, don't get
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  don't drink and be angry. I'm telling you what's going to
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  happen is you're going to start to remember all the bad stuff
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  that they did to you as well. You like I said, you going, you
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  going to get them back? You going like they got here.
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  I got I want to give them a piece of my damn mind.
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  So guess what happens, You remember the good times, then
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  you get angry and then you reach out to them because you got to
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  you want to speak a piece of your mind and another thing
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  y'all, because you there were good times.
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  So many people are going, so many people ask me, did they
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  ever love me? Did they ever care about me at
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  all? Was it all just some BS from the
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  beginning? Did they just manipulate me from
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  jump street to the end street, from jump street to sit down
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  street or whatever? You know what I'm saying?
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  Was it all a fake? No, I yeah, I don't think it was
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  all phony or fake with the narcissist.
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  I just truly don't believe that that's true, right.
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  For most people. Now, could you be dealing with
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  that psychopath that was just an evil bastard from day one?
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  Hell yeah, you could have. But most of us are not dealing
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  with psychopaths. Most of you, I say us.
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  I've dealt with narcissistic women and men and partners or
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  whatever. I've dealt with narcissistic
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  people of all of every ilk, Right?
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  But most of us are not dealing with psychopaths.
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  We're dealing with narcissists. And narcissists are just, can be
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  just as bad, right? But psychopaths can just, they,
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  they, I don't think they really connect to anybody.
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  They don't connect to humanity, so they will manipulate you from
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  the beginning, torture you, try to do horrible things to you,
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  and try to bring pain to your life.
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  They want to bring pain and suffering to your life because
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  that's all they know. That's all this narcissist or
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  toxic person knows. They want to bring pain and
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  suffering and all this kind of BS to your life because they
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  benefit from it. They benefit from the BSB, They
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  benefit from the BS. They get a rise out of it.
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  And what what doesn't help is some people don't want to go no
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  contact, right? Or you don't want to block them
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  and start a no contact journey or some people can't.
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  Let's be real. Some people can't do this.
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  Dale narcissist want you to focus on the good times too.
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  That's why they start sending you the memories.
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  They start sending you the pictures and the videos and the
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  songs and hey, you probably don't remember this place, do
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  you? Hey, I know you angry at me for
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  cheating on you for the 17th time, but guess what?
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  I just walked by. I walked by the bitch.
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  We had our first date and made me think about you so I hope I'm
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  just checking in and see how you doing.
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  And then you start thinking about the good times and then
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  guess what you respond. Thanks for thinking of me.
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  Hope you're doing well. And then you get tangled back up
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  in the shit. And then you get views abused,
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  manipulated again and then you right back to square one.
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  You're right back to the beginning where you do not want
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  to be, which again, can be a very frustrating place to be for
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  you. Which is why I want you to
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  understand that no narcissistic person out here is, is wanting
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  to help you out, is wanting to do anything good for you.
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  They want to bring you pain. They want to bring you
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  suffering. They want, they don't want to
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  bring you peace. Why would they want to do that?
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  Why would a narcissist want to bring peace to your life?
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  That's not how it works, right? That's not how it works.
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  Why would a toxic party want to bring peace to your life?
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  Yet they're going to they're going to fake the funk and tell
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  you that they're bringing peace to you, but they're not going to
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  do that y'all. They're gonna say it's going to
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  be tough to leave them. It just is There's not always
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  bad. There are going to be good
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  times. There might be some good times
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  in the future, like you might be on the cusp of leaving right
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  now, right? You might be wanting to leave
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  right now, but then they do something nice for you and it
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  reminds you the good times, remind you when y'all was
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  younger, reminds you when you first man, then you get trapped
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  into it again. You had a plan to leave you
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  cancel your plans to leave. Your friends don't trust you
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  anymore to help you out anymore because it's the 15th time
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  you've counseled on them. Now they pissed off, now they're
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  they're angry, and now you got to start over from scratch.
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  You see what I'm saying? That's why it's so important to
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  just when they start being good, just understand that they could
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  have been good the whole time, but they made the choice not to.
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  They could have treated you better, but they made the active
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  choice not to until they thought you would leave until you
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  already left. When you.
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  Yeah, if somebody starts treating you better only after
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  you leave, keep leaving. Don't stop.
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  Well, things are going to get better because they treated to
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  be better right now. Of course they don't want you to
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  leave, but as soon as they feel like they got you stuck again,
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  they're going to turn their asses around and start doing the
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  same thing over and over again. So that's what that's the
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  situation you're in right there, y'all?
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  Yeah, it's tough to leave, but you have to push forward.
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  You have to get through it if you want to leave.
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  Not everybody leaves again. So it's not me judging anybody.
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  They want to let you know I know that everybody doesn't leave.
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  Anyways. Y'all think I've made to the end
• 12:07
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• 12:09
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• 12:11
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• 12:12
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• 12:16
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• 12:17
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• 12:20
  and I'm out. Peace.