Latest / feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell / self care advice from a REAL therapist

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self care advice from a REAL therapist · feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell

0:01
What if I told you you've been lied to?
0:04
What if I told you that self-care Is Not What It Seems.
0:07
It's not large dramatic acts but instead small overly simplified
0:13
actions to improve your life a little bit at a time.
0:17
Let's talk about it. Hey, there and welcome back to
0:20
another episode of feel your feelings with me.
0:23
Ethan Jewel. This is a podcast.
0:25
I started all about mental health, and mental health
0:27
awareness. Now I'm not a doctor, a
0:29
therapist or professional in the men.
0:31
To health industry whatsoever. I'm just a guy who is very
0:34
passionate about mental health and wants to start the
0:36
conversation. However, today I am joined by a
0:39
professional. I'm joined by dr.
0:41
Jenn Hartman. A licensed psychologist in Texas
0:44
who has been practicing for over 25 years.
0:49
She received her doctorate at the University of Cincinnati and
0:52
ever. Since has been pursuing helping
0:54
people, make a positive change in their mental health.
0:56
She is passionate about guiding others.
0:58
Towards a deep sense of whole person, well-being.
1:01
And luckily for us has a lot to say on the topic of self-care.
1:05
So thank you so much for tuning in.
1:07
And as always, let's feel some feelings.
1:11
Dr. Hartman. Thank you so much for joining
1:14
me. Thank you so much, Ethan.
1:16
It's an honor to be here and I'm really excited to get going on
1:19
our conversation. It really means a lot having you
1:21
on this podcast, as somebody with no professional experience
1:25
in the mental health industry, it can get a little bit scary
1:27
and overwhelming to talk about these topics.
1:30
So it means a lot. To have your professional
1:32
perspective on this topic of self-care and self-care is
1:35
something that I have always been very passionate about, I've
1:38
been very into. I remember when I first got onto
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the internet and I got Instagram, I used to look up,
1:43
self care, routines all the time and try to follow them.
1:46
However, I quickly realized a lot of these self care routines,
1:50
seem very unrealistic for somebody struggling with mental
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health are very large, explosive actions.
1:56
Self-care days. Going to the gym, binging,
1:59
Netflix. It's all very gray.
2:01
And and seems to require a lot of motivation.
2:04
Do you think that these routines are a realistic place for
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somebody to start with their self-care or do you think there
2:10
is a better route for people to go down?
2:14
Well, first of all, Ethan, thank you so much for inviting me to
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join you today. I'm really, really excited to be
2:19
here and I'm really, really excited about your podcast.
2:22
I think it's a great thing, and thank you for putting a really
2:25
positive Spotlight on mental health.
2:28
So I am kind of annoying and how much I talk about self-care.
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I talk about it a lot. I'm really, really passionate
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about it. So you have started off with one
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of my favorite topics. Perfect.
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First of all on social media, I'm all for people posting about
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self-care and offering some of their strategies and things like
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that. But one thing I like to talk
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about is that self-care has to be realistic.
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So it has to work with who you are and what your life is all
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about. I also think self care needs to
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be personalized. So what you find, relaxing,
3:00
restorative and Ethan might be totally different from what I
3:03
find relaxing restorative and rewarding.
3:06
So we need to kind of play to who we are and again what our
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life is all about, I also talked about how self-care can happen
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at a macro level and so this is the big stuff this is thinking
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about like oh, how can I tailor my work hours so that I'm more
3:21
effective or have more time to take good care of myself?
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How can I manage my class schedule in the same way?
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Let me develop a regular meditation practice, let me go
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to a big spa day or half. A retreat.
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Let me engage in regular Psychotherapy.
3:34
Those are all kind of macro level big things and sometimes
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those costs money. Self-care can also happen at a
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micro level. So for example, doing a 90
3:43
second breath practice before you hop on your next work, call,
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you could eat your meals. Mindfully likes have a mindful
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breakfast, especially before a big presentation, like get
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grounded and centered by eating a mindful meal, you could recite
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at centering prayer when you're feeling anxious about an
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upcoming social event. So there's like big ways.
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You can practice self-care, but there's also like a lot of
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little small informal ways you can practice off care.
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And those are some of my favorites and those aren't all
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that exciting to post about on Instagram or Tik-Tok or things
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like that. Right?
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So they don't maybe get as much AirPlay but also equally
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important and they don't have to cost a lot of money either and
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they're definitely less overwhelming.
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That's one big thing that I can. I have a problem with a lot of
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the self-care rhetoric that is pushed is for somebody
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struggling with depression or a mental illness that is very
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debilitating. It can be hard to even.
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Think about going to these macro acts of self-care like you call
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them. I love that example of macro and
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micro. I know when I was struggling a
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lot with depression that was what I was saying.
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I saw everybody telling me I had to go to the gym and I had to go
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on walks. I needed to get my diet, right
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and it was overwhelming. I never wanted to start because
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it was such a daunting thing to start.
5:01
You didn't, if you're struggling with depression or panic attacks
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or a chronic trauma response or something like that.
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That motivation is tough to come by, right?
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And so something I talked about quite a bit, is, if you want to
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make some changes that's great. And let's support you in doing
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that, but maybe set your goals, just shy of ridiculously easy.
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So, we all know that exercise is good for us, we're here all the
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time. And that's a great way to engage
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in self care. But if you're starting from
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zero, you know, setting The expectation that you do, 30
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minutes a day, five times a week, right?
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Away is not going to work very well.
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Like you said, you might end up feeling worse about yourself.
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So, like 25 minutes, do 10 minutes, I love that
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ridiculously easy as so much more realistic than going for
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Leaps and Bounds right away. I remember when I was struggling
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with depression, the most, I tried to go for Leaps and Bounds
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and I tried to follow these very over simplified mental health,
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routines that I saw on social media.
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And when I was, Able to do them due to my lack of motivation
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from depression, I found myself wondering what is wrong with me.
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Do you think that potentially these unrealistic self care
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routines? Could actually make somebody's
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mental health struggle worse, and when they're unable to make
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Leaps and Bounds and they're lacking motivation could
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actually harm their mental health as a whole absolutely.
6:25
Thank you so much for bringing this up.
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I do want to go on record. I think that there's so much
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benefit to be had from. Social media, but there are some
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definite downsides and one of them is in regard to mental
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health. One of the things that runs
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rampant on social media are social comparisons, right?
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You even said yourself, you would look and see people
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posting about like, oh, I'm doing this for self-care.
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Oh, I'm doing that for self-care but you didn't feel like you
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could engage in those ways, right?
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And you started comparing yourself to other people and
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thinking like, what am I doing wrong?
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Or I just, you know I'm really hopeless, right?
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Because I can't even do some of the If that they're talking
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about and that social comparison piece can be really, really
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tricky. And unfortunately can reinforce
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some of the patterns of depression and anxiety, and
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things like that. Depression is kind of a.
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If I may speak frankly depressions, kind of a butthead
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and depression can make us feel really bad about ourselves.
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It can take a perfectly lovely high, functioning intelligent
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person and make them feel really, really crappy about
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themselves. And unfortunately, on social
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media, with our Doom, scrolling, and stuff like that, we can just
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keep going. Going and going and going and
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doing these social comparisons and getting more and more lost.
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I'm so glad you're doing this podcast and asking me some of
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these questions so that we can start some conversations for
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continue some conversations about what real realistic
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personalized self-care might need to look like for folks, you
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said something there that I think is so true and I highly
7:52
relate to you said that depression can change the way
7:55
that we talk to ourselves or treat ourselves.
7:58
I believe that self talk is critical to self care.
8:01
Way that you talk to yourself and treat yourself and view.
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Yourself is crucial in order for you to pursue your self-care
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Journey. However, I think a lot of us
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struggle with positive self-talk, with being kind to
8:13
ourselves. What do you think are the most
8:15
harmful stories that we tell ourselves about our mental
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health? Another excellent question,
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there are probably any number of negative stories that we can
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tell ourselves but a lot of times they boil down to light to
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really big ones and so one of them would be I'm not Good
8:31
enough or I'm just not enough, right?
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And I think you even said that sometimes, you have felt that
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the other big one that I think a lot of our negative stories can
8:40
boil down into is I'm doing this to myself, or, you know, another
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word to think that is something is wrong with me.
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First of all, like, who wants to feel depressed, who wants to
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have panic attacks? Who wants to have a trauma
8:53
response? So we're not really doing these
8:56
things to ourselves, but we can get so lost in all of those
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sorts of feelings. And Really intense emotions and
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thoughts that we can kind of believe that we've gotten
9:05
ourselves in this boat, right? And we're doing it to ourselves.
9:08
One thing, I talked a lot about in terms of self-care is, let's
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start with self-compassion. And so self-compassion is kind
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of the antidote to some of those negative stories and it's really
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hard for most of us to engage in self compassion, because we
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don't really learn it much. And so self-compassion is the
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idea of being able to be with ourselves in a mindful.
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It'll weigh be kind be respectful off ourselves
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support. There's actually now a ton of
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research on this that really is supportive of when we teach
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people how to be compassionate with themselves.
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It can help people overcome things like mental illness,
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depression, trauma, addiction things like that.
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It's just really, really challenging to do.
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It's like a skill. It's like, if you've never
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played tennis before and you want to pick up the tennis
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racket, you're going to feel really clumsy at first and
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wonder what you're doing. Really interesting.
10:01
A lot of those things that you were saying about practicing
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compassion for yourself. Those are all things I've heard
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that we should practice with other people.
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Respect others, listen to others, treat them with
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kindness, but honestly, I rarely have heard that about myself and
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that was kind of eye-opening honestly, because you were, you
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were saying those and I'm thinking I've heard this before,
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but I've never heard it about me.
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And that's so interesting that our society and our culture in
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the way we almost View. Ooh self compassion as may be
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selfish and something to be avoided when in reality it's
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necessary for our mental health absolutely.
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And you just hit on a really common myth, honestly about
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self-compassion and that is this idea that if we're nice to
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ourselves, we make let ourselves get away with you much.
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We run the risk of getting too soft with ourselves and never
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getting anything done, right? And I think some of that's
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cultural again. We don't really learn how to be
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compassionate, and nice with ourselves.
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And actually, the research shows that the Opposite is true.
11:02
We are more resilient when we can be kind to ourselves when we
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can support ourselves when we can mindfully support ourselves
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when we're struggling. And we can also motivate
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ourselves more effectively. So I sometimes bring up the
11:14
example of if you're coaching, a kids soccer team, right?
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And let's say, their 8 year olds and their out practicing or
11:21
medic soccer match, and they're having a rough time and they're
11:23
coming back on some sort of a break, and you just start laying
11:26
into them, like, you guys are idiots out there.
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What the heck is going on? Like, what is Is going on with
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you today. Most of us know intuitively that
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that's not a good way to motivate a kids soccer team or
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if it motivates those kids, it's going to motivate them out of
11:40
fear. So for some of the wrong
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reasons, they may feel motivated.
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So we intuitively know that that's not a good way to
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motivate other people and yet we still talk to ourselves that way
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and think that oh, this is how I'm going to motivate myself to
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get things done, and it just doesn't work that way.
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Even as you're saying this, the concept of self compassion just
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sounds overwhelming and confusing to me.
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That's something that Honestly haven't really thought about and
12:03
that I should apply to my self-care routine.
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However, I'm not really sure how to get started.
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What would be the gateway to get started on a journey of self
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compassion? One of the most powerful ways to
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get a start on. Practicing self compassion is
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actually to practice mindfulness.
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So mindfulness is just the skill or the practice if you will of
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engaging with the current moment from a perspective of non
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judgement and acceptance. So For example, picking up a
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rock off the ground and doing a little Touchstone meditation and
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practicing just being with the Touchstone and noticing the
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breath and noticing. What this don't you know the
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rock feels like and when you notice judgmental thoughts or
12:44
your mind wandering being compassionate, just bringing it
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back to the here. And now and bringing it back to
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your touch tone and doing that little touched on meditation,
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doing some breath meditation, doing some centering prayer,
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like things that remind us to be in the moment.
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And to be in the moment, in a specific sort of Way.
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And again, an accepting non-judgmental way.
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I think that's an excellent place to start, and a really
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good place to build on moving forward with self-compassion.
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It sounds like a lot of this negative.
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Self-talk can come from a place of anxiety or self-doubt being
13:17
able to Center and live in the moment.
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Seems like a great way to practice more self-compassion.
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One thing I learned in therapy, I was in therapy for about two
13:25
and a half years was to pretend that I was a fly on the wall
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watching Myself by hissing. This in visualizing that I was
13:33
just a fly on the wall. I'm able to disengage my
13:36
emotional connection to a situation and identify when I'm
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practicing negative self-talk. Or when somebody is mistreating
13:43
me, this makes me less judgmental and far kinder to
13:47
myself, I think by centering yourself.
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And being able to view yourself, talk from a different
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perspective like this, we can practice more self-compassion
13:56
and ultimately more self-care. Thank you for sharing that
14:00
example, from your Every first of all, thank you for sharing
14:02
that you have done your own therapy.
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I have as well. And I actually met borrow that
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exercise. I really like it.
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I've never thought about encouraging mindfulness from the
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perspective of a fly but what I like about it so much is when
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we're talking about depression or just really low self-esteem
14:17
or anxiety, or things like that, it robs us of perspective and we
14:21
can get lost in some of these - filtered thoughts.
14:26
And so that exercise, if you being in a fly on the wall, just
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really helped give your mind. And a little tool, like it
14:32
created a little wiggle room to see things from a different
14:35
perspective, and that's kind of what I'm talking about that
14:37
allows for some other sorts of things to come in.
14:41
Then just all of those negative stories.
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We've been telling ourselves. It seems clear that self
14:47
compassion is the first and best step in a journey of self care
14:51
however, to somebody who is confused about how to take care
14:54
of their mental health. What is the best action that
14:56
they could start doing tomorrow in order to start on their
14:59
journey to improve their mental? Health.
15:01
I'm not sure that there's one best action so I'm going to
15:04
maybe list a few and the reason I don't think there's maybe one
15:07
best action or one place to start is again just everybody's
15:10
a little bit different so I'm obviously super biased about
15:14
therapy so I think that that can be a great place to start but
15:17
it's not the only place to start in terms of self-compassion
15:21
there's a lot of apps out there now for meditation and things
15:24
like that. So there's some lovely guided
15:27
meditations out there that might help someone learn how to
15:29
practice self compassion. One or just mad a meditate and
15:32
how to practice being with your thoughts and feelings and
15:35
engaging with them in a different way, there's lots of
15:37
great self-help books, there's online support groups.
15:40
There's a lovely podcasts on Mental Health.
15:42
Wink, wink, nudge nudge. There's even some mental health
15:45
apps out there. So there's all kinds of ways to
15:48
get started. And like I said to you a few
15:50
minutes ago, pick the one that you think you are most likely to
15:55
do and start there. And maybe make the initial tasks
16:00
just shy. Of ridiculously easy, right?
16:03
So text a friend and ask if they've read any good self-help
16:07
books, find one therapist name and call their office, to see if
16:11
they're taking new clients or patients allow yourself to start
16:15
small and that's okay. Wow.
16:17
And that sounds like a great place to wrap up this topic.
16:21
Dr. Jen. Thank you so much for joining.
16:23
Me, and bringing professional perspective to this podcast
16:27
today. Thank you so much for the
16:29
invitation. It's been an honor.
16:31
And I've really enjoyed my time with you Ethan, did anybody
16:33
listening, please remember you deserve, self-compassion, you
16:37
deserve self care, you deserve to be gentle or to yourself, and
16:42
you deserve to start ridiculously easy on your mental
16:46
health journey. I think that wraps it up for
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today's episode. Thank you for listening and a
16:52
big, thank you to dr. Jenn Hartman for joining us and
16:55
giving us a unique professional perspective, on the topic of
16:58
self-care. It truly means a Talk to me that
17:01
she was able to join me on the conversation of mental health,
17:04
and share some incredible information that hopefully you
17:08
will apply to your own life. She'll be joining us next week
17:11
as well to continue the conversation on Mental Health.
17:14
If you need any help, feeling your feelings, go check out my
17:17
music. Ethan Jewel on all platforms and
17:19
I almost guarantee it'll make you cry also.
17:22
Please DM me on my Instagram at Jewel, boy underscore and let me
17:26
know what you thought about today's episode.
17:28
So thank you so much for tuning in.
17:30
Thank you for being In here. And as always, thank you for
17:33
feeling your feelings. I'll see you next time.