Latest / The Habit Lab / Episode 71: The Digital Leash- untether your soul from it

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Episode 71: The Digital Leash- untether your soul from it · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  Speaker 1: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So join me, jenna Zint, habit Coach, teacher and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Habit Lab.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: This is Jenna Zint.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: I'm very excited about this episode.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: This episode is about the digital leash, just the untold.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: I'll define it in a second.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: Actually, a digital leash, if you're not familiar with it, it's actually the emotional and social pressure to respond, I would say.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Some people would say instantly.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: I would just say let's zoom out a little bit and say quickly, in a polite fashion, in a considerate fashion, whatever adjective you'd like to assign, simply because someone can reach you.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: So the digital leash is the emotional and social pressure to respond quickly, simply because someone has access to you, so, whether that's your DMs or your phone or your email, yes.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: So, that being said, I've thought about this one for a while, but I wanted to read you a few funny taglines I've thought about for this episode.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: Okay, here's some taglines for the digital leash.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: I'm not ignoring you, I'm just emotionally buffering.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: If I don't respond, assume I love you and also I forgot Replying late, my new act of spiritual warfare.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: I'm not flaky, I'm just untethering my soul from my inbox.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: Ooh, I like that one.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: Texts aren't tattoos.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: I don't owe anyone instant ink Bam Ghosting, no, just gloriously purposely unavailable.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: Jesus didn't reply instantly, and neither do I.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Sorry, these are so funny.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: I don't actually have this much attitude with it.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: I just felt like it was appropriate for this list, so I read your text.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: Then I blinked.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: Now it's three days later.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: Oops, ooh, this one's funny.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: When did the scene receipt become a covenant?
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: Okay, and then I did a few more that were like more dramatic too, in a world where silence means betrayal.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: One woman waited to reply.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: Sorry, I'm amusing myself over here.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: The call was coming from the inside and it wanted an immediate response.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: You thought you were buying a phone, but Steve Jobs tricked you into actually buying a leash.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: I ended a couple on Steve Jobs, sorry, man.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: Steve Jobs gave us the touchscreen freedom, then shackled us to our read receipts forever.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: One ping, three missed calls, zero peace this summer.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: This mom's not ghosting you, she's reclaiming her timeline.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: I think this is like my Samuel L Jackson voice, or even just like that person who reads the lines for the movies.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: You know, she opened the group chat and she never came back.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: Justice delayed is fine, but apparently texts that are delayed are not Welcome to the digital leash, where you become a villain if you don't respond within 24 hours.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: Okay, enough fun, but that just made me giggle to think about it.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: A lot of us this is actually something I hear all the time for people.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: It's not a new concept, it's not unique to me, but I think a lot of times what is kind, I think, almost like even probably extra pressure, being Christians aware and we care about how our actions impact people, but also feeling overwhelmed and guilt and pressure and we actually want to unleash, we want to be present.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: It's like a lose-lose kind of, because in cultural, in the norm we live in, we're supposed to be present with whoever's in front of us, yet somehow also simultaneously not taking too long to respond to the people who are pouring out their soul or texting us or asking us for something or a favor or info in a reasonable fashion.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: It's literally almost impossible.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: And the flip side, I think even I've told you guys a few years ago as I was like oh, I actually don't want to limit my world, I'm going to be not clicky, not closed, be a little more fluid with who can come into our world.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: I had to even grow better at being okay and coming up with my own rules of obligations of how I will and won't respond.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: And, yeah, so this is where the episode comes from, because so many people even like in my Habit Lab Mastery course or working with people individually a lot of people come up with like, okay, I want to be present, so I know, I don't want to be on my phone all the time, but how do I actually respond in a timely fashion where I'm not sending friends unspoken messages by the time I take to respond or the length when they send something so long?
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I've been on this journey for a while and I've gotten pretty unco-dependent about it and actually care that people will experience some level of emotion.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: It's going to be different per person.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Some people get offended, some people feel like it's probably offense Sorry, that was the same word it hits insecurity, or then it maybe goes to anger of like how dare they don't respond or they just were responding, or I see them post on social medias but they haven't responded to my texts and I will give people my phone number, but what it's not meaning is I'm obligated to their timeline.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: So I have people who I think that's the thing it's almost like how everyone lives their lives a little differently Like so many people have different expectations around the promptness of responding.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: But the flip side for me is untangling others' expectations of how they'd like me to show up and getting out of not only not doing it so breaking up with the actual behavior, but also breaking up with the guilt.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: I know a lot of people who have done that first step like, hey, I actually can't, it's not possible for me.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: So they'll make jokes about being so bad at texting.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: But I would say, going one step forward for me with growth has been like, oh, I don't actually think I'm bad at texting.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Ooh, I feel the Holy Spirit.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: I have purposely chosen how I've shown up because I can't be everything for everyone and I want my kids and my family to actually get my better, more present energy, and if I'm in a post, that means more people are going to see me or whatever that looks like it would be.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: If you keep scaling this, this is unfeasible.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: So actually being okay if someone gets a message that I'm actually like sorry, an unspoken message by my response, the quickness, whatever, like all the aspects, how fast it happened, what it actually said, how short it was, how long it was, how emotional it was, how, whatever they can get so many messages I'm like, oh, I actually don't have the capacity to play that game or to spend that much energy.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to be upfront and like, almost like honest with my text without apologizing.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: And if someone wants to tell me how it affects them without apologizing, I don't mean that I'll get into a little bit more nuance, but without the guilt or shame.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: I actually don't think I'm bad at text.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: I have these unspoken core values in myself, what I will and won't do, and I don't actually change those based on someone else, what they would like me to do or if that hurts their feelings.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: So what is the digital leash?
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: It creates guilt and obligation and, ultimately, an unhealthy sense of responsibility for everyone's access to you.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: You're no longer just reachable, you're expected to always be available.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: Wow, simon, at the same time being present with the Holy Spirit, and then a fabulous mom who listens to your kids.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: You're like wait, literally, that's like three different things at once.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Okay, I wanted to give you a little bit of a brief history of response times with expectations for, like you know, phones, and so I did a little bit of.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: I just want.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes we get so zoomed in to the decade that we live in or the culture or the community or friend group that I think it's so helpful to zoom out, like that was one of my favorite parts about history class.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: I actually love history and when my teachers would paint the full picture of the timeline, it gives you a perspective that you're a piece in the puzzle versus the fullness of it.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to do that real quick.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Pre-digital, it was so simple there's letters by horse, ship or foot.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Delays were built in and there was not a pressure.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: Then, obviously, in the mid 1900s we had landlines and there wasn't voicemail Like when phones.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: Actually a landline wasn't even per house, it would be like one per town and you'd have to go if you got a message Check periodically.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: There'd be just this delayed response, not access.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: It'd be a way of getting a message, but there's this expectation of a delayed response.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: It's not instant access.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: And then eventually it went to homes and if you weren't there you didn't get the phone call People didn't think you were ignoring them or taking it as a sign of how valuable your friendship was.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: Eventually I hadn't thought about it, but it wasn't until, I think, the 80s it said late 70s, early 80s that voicemail became a thing.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: Or you know what's the call?
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: What is it called?
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: I can't remember the message machine Answering machine.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: Wow, you guys, can you believe it?
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: The children like me who are like 40, I actually forgot what an answering machine was.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: Do you guys remember how much fun we used to fight with finding silly ones?
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Or you'd hear someone else's funny one, or some families that would just be strict by the book, and other ones were hilarious, oh.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Or do you remember always the smart aleck that would be like hello, hello, oh, I guess we're not home, and I'd be like no, I'd be annoyed or they'd catch me.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: And then I was angry by the time I left the voice memo because I feel like a fool.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: I was tricked once again by the Molnar's answering machine, anyways, but voicemail actually changed, or answering machines changed the game?
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: I think I read it was in the 80s.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I said that when there was.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Now, even if you missed it, it would be waiting for you, closer to you versus no answer, no proof, no evidence of the call.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: It was still delayed, but it was low pressure.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Then fast forward to the 2000s.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: Do you actually remember, though, guys in the 90s?
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: Fast forward to the 2000s.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: Do you actually remember, though, guys in the 90s children of the 90s like me, where it cost per minute for phone calls?
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: So I remember AT&T had a Sunday discount, so my mom and her sisters would all make their rounds calling.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: It was their habits to squish their time on that day, and they wouldn't really expect to hear from each other because it was a different price.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, how much less pressure it was versus anyone could call at any point ever.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: And if something big happens and you don't call, is it because you didn't think of me?
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: It's like it has just dramatically become way more invasive with our technology for our expected availability.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: And then the emotional impact, or silent message that it is or isn't sending someone else, that they're reading, whether or not you're trying to send that message.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: So then 2000s obviously text enters the scene, but still at that point, if you guys remember those of you who are close to 40, like me you had a paper tax, so it was popular, but it wasn't as limitless or without like.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: You were more thoughtful still because you couldn't just like bombard someone or it'd cost you and there was no read receipts At that point.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: There was, you know, aol, but it was only like do you guys remember any of your instant messenger?
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: I know AOL wasn't the only one.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: If you're at your computer, you got them.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: If not, it's not like this expectation is in your pocket at all time.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: There'd be set times and you'd tell your friend when to get online so that you could both be online at the same time.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: There is still this level not of 24-7 instant access.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: Fun fact that in 2000, the average American sent 35 texts a month.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: Okay, you ready for your statistic of the current stat to blow your mind?
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: So, okay, 2,000, 35 texts a month.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: Does anyone remember?
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: I was like in eighth grade for 2,000, because I remember the New Year's.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: We're like why, 2k, anyways.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: And then 2023, guess how many per month?
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: We sent text 2,200.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: So you guys, 23 years later, we went from 35 texts a month to 2,200.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: Can you talk about where you're feeling overwhelmed?
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: You're not crazy, you're not?
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: Ooh, I feel the Holy Spirit.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: I actually hope that some of these statistics and seeing the big picture help you release some of this emotional weight, guilt, expectation that I'm like.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: I actually don't know that it's feasible to live present, to live with the Holy Spirit and then have this weight of this much communication.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: And then those of you like me who do online businesses and have DMs and emails I actually love.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: I have come to love it and no one's bothering me because I actually manage my own and no one.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not at the mercy of other people's expectations.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: So I actually usually don't feel overwhelmed because I won't check my email or respond to all my texts or at length to things, or sometimes people send me things I'm like, hey, I'm not able to listen to that, so I don't want anyone to hear this and be like I shouldn't text.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: Jenna, that's not the point.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: But I want you to get to this point of, oh, this weight of always behind.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: I actually want to break up with that mentality and put you back in the driver's seat.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: Oh, I feel the Holy Spirit of being powerful and getting to choose what your relationship is with people's access to you, versus I'm being a good friend, a bad friend, I'm bad at texting.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: All these judgments come in when this is actually like to me.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: It feels like it would be someone going into someone else's family budget and being like, ooh, you should not be spending this on a gym membership when you should be saving for new cars, or someone else being like you should not be spending this on a gym membership when you should be saving for new cars, or someone else being like you should not be eating out this much.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: You should be putting this towards a gym membership.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: This expectation that someone else can come in and say you need to redirect your limited funds because how you're currently spending your limited capacity with money is I'm going to judge it and say it's less than and I think that's what we do with people how they do or don't respond to text messages.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I'm like oh, actually, no one else gets to say that I'm spending my time well or not well, based on what I'm choosing to give my time and energy to text and response.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so now we're always on error.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: That's what they kind of called it.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: I was like that's so true.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Always on push notifications, read receipts, status indicators.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: They see it.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: Why didn't they respond?
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: Oh, this is interesting.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: I found this data.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: The average response for a text is 11 minutes.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: Reading this I'm like, oh no, no, no, I am so not that.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: I guess it would depend on availability.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Maybe there are certain times, if I'm having a current conversation or something, I'm quicker, but that's nuts to me 11 minutes.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: The average response time for emails is 90 minutes.
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: The average person checks communication apps every six minutes and most people most users feel a ton of tension around unread messages or delayed responses.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: So that is kind of the point of this episode is I want to break up with the judgment or the tension or the weight.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: It is okay if someone else has expectations that you're actually never agreed to or unwilling to meet.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: So even when I'm like having new friends, I actually purposely like when I got out of coaching, I'll have like back-to-back coachings.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: My kids have been downstairs.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I will have most days, if I have a couple hours of coaching, I'll have 30 plus text messages.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: I don't look at them because I actually want to go hug my kids and I don't owe anyone.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: I didn't ask most of these people to text me back.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: Most of them aren't urgent.
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: It's really helped me to not feel burdened or overwhelmed and by choosing how I'm powerfully showing up or what my responsibility is when you haven't agreed.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: It's almost like this when someone gets your phone number culturally, we now have a responsibility that we never agreed to with people.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: So what it's doing to us is you feel guilty for a delayed response, even when nothing's wrong.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: You assign meaning, or because people either you or other people assign meaning to they're mad I disappointed them.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: Your nervous system is constantly braced or a little bit elevated for the next ping.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: You start answering from anxiety, not honest availability or powerful choices.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: You feel like you owe people.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: So, as you're deciding what is actually the pace, you want to be powerfully choosing with your responses, if you actually got out of unspoken expectations and agreements that you never signed up to with other people, with what you are communicating or how fast you will or won't respond.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: Some of the questions that I'd like you to think about is what are you afraid of it would communicate to others if you responded even less quickly than you are now?
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: Because I get everybody's quickly, like their life, your working hours, your availability is so different.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: So I don't actually think there needs to be and I'm not going to give you any timeframes because I think that would be unhelpful.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: But whatever you're doing now, what are you afraid of if you were to slow it down even more?
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: What's the cost of responding on their timeline versus your own and flip that around?
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: What do you get?
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: What do you feel or imagine to powerfully choose to respond on your timeline instead of an imposed one of someone else's that you actually didn't sign up for?
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: What emotions do you feel with a delayed response, either giving one or receiving one?
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: Okay, giving one.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: Do you feel guilty?
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Pressure, anxiousness, some level of judgment, I'd say.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: And then, when you receive one though I think it's helpful to notice that the street goes both ways you could think like, be disappointed in them, frustrated, start arguing.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: So I think that awareness for me, which has been really huge as I've become powerful and owned my own response and I'm not at anyone's mercy and kind of don't feel pressure or guilt anymore I also can extend that grace to so many more people Like no problem with someone.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: People are like oh my gosh, I'm sorry, I'm so bad at responding.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: I'm like I always say something, like I give moms a week to respond because I'm like I want to actually start reestablishing this.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: It's not a digital leash, you didn't ask me to text.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: Most of the time people did not ask me to text, even if it's a kind text of like how you're doing checking on you.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: Like I didn't, actually I'm not missing an appointment that I pre-agreed to.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: It's not flaky, you have access to me.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: That I didn't say yep, I have that capacity, go ahead, I'm ready to engage.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: So just kind of getting out of like, oh, this goes two ways, where I'm going to assume they're not upset at me, I'm going to assume the best.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: It actually kind of reveals, I believe, how deeply rooted your identity is when we are afraid of the message someone else could potentially receive that we're not sending.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: Or it shows our own identity of the insecure roots we might have based on someone else's response.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: Like, actually I'm not mad at them because I know I'm worth being friends.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: And if they don't, actually, if they're trying to send me a message that this is the interest level they have in my friendship, no problem.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: I actually would rather go find someone who wants to be my friend than mad at them for not you know, like how dare they?
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: So I think, just getting out of the mind reading, if we at all as a like culture agree to not assign mind reading to what it means or what our expectations are of other people for, like, a quick response, you know.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: And then the next question is what boundary would allow you to respond from peace instead of obligation or panic?
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: Okay, so one of the things that I started doing when I stopped, when I broke up with the obligation of the digital leash, is what happens if I actually respond late.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: Sometimes the pressure, I realized, was like, not from reality, but imagine consequences.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: So one of the things I've really I call it playing the tape out, because I realized I'm like I can't do that.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, why I don't?
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: Actually, I've never articulated why I can't not respond to something that I didn't ask, a text message I didn for, like and I don't have the capacity.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: I'm overwhelmed.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: Why do I think it's not appropriate to not respond?
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, okay, let's walk it out.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: Like, what would I be afraid of?
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: And then I call it playing the tape out.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: And then I'm like, oh, that's actually not that bad, like I'm like, oh, that's actually not that bad, I could be okay, with that being the consequence.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: So what happens if you respond late?
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: Sometimes the pressure is not from reality, it's from imagined consequences, so let's play it forward.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: You don't owe anyone instant access to yourself.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: Slow responses are not selfish, sinful or shameful.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: You can actually be kind and still have purposeful limits.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: Kind and not again this judgment that I hear people say like I'm bad at it and I'm like, oh, I actually have stopped saying that because I'm actually living by my own imposed limits.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: So I'm not bad, I'm meeting my bar.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: It might not be someone else's bar, no problem.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: They might have emotions about it and I can be empathetic, but it also doesn't mean I have to change my behavior because they have emotions around their own rules and what they would like other people to, but I don't actually prescribe to their rules, nor did I say that I would.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: So actual consequences if you respond late.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: Someone might feel hurt To me.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: What I do is, if that's ever the case, I'm going to like, when I play the tape forward, like, oh, I actually care about their experience, without shame spiraling nor without actually changing my behavior, I can feel empathy.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sorry that you felt nervous, that maybe you overstepped and you were feeling insecure about the question you posed or the message you sent because you didn't get an instant response and then I would be like I would not want to send, like that was not a message I was trying to send you, and then continue when before I'd maybe shamed, probably I would have taken on the meaning that they read that I did not send them as my responsibility, versus I can just have empathy for their experience without shame spiraling or actually equating it to me failing.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: And then another consequence when I play the tape forward, when I take back the power for how quickly I respond and get back in the driver's seat one of the things this is funny because I do this all the time these are the consequences.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: I'm like, yep, okay, I might miss a plan, that's okay.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: I would actually rather feel obligated or a digital leash and potentially miss something than be scared and so tethered by obligation.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: So I am okay with missing plans, I'll catch the next one.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: I don't need a constant availability to stay connected to my friends or feel like I matter.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: I think I'm going to miss a place in their lives.
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: Frankly, I don't want friendships that would be that tentative and I don't have them.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: But if you're in that spot where you're like I don't know, they might not keep inviting me.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: I'm actually okay with that because I want friends who we could have.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: Like, hey, there's times that I'll invite people and maybe they don't respond for a while.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: I think I've told you before, if people don't respond to maybe two invites that I've sent, I will think, okay, that's probably them trying to send me a kind message at that point.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: But I'll clarify I'll be like, hey, I'm curious, because we do so much mind reading and I think that's where it gets us in trouble all the time, specifically in this area of the digitalization unsaid expectations or how we interpret silence or responses.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: So if someone doesn't respond to my text for a bit again going both ways, the street goes both ways I'll ask them.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, I'm curious, are these plans less interested to you, or are you in a season where would you still like invitations like this, or is there a season that this isn't probably what you're going to give your time to Do?
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: You notice what I didn't do, as I didn't make it about me.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: I think that's when these emotions get so triggered or big, disproportionate to what it actually is.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: I am not asking if my identity is on the line, and I would challenge you too if you feel pinged in your identity based on someone's response or not response, that's like a you and God thing that you get to settle.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: That is not a friend thing.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: Based on the response that would actually be so tentative and cost you so much energy that go get that shored up where this person might not want my invitations to an event, but it is not reflection on my worth as a friend.
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: So I think even us untangling worth messages we're sending to other people or ourselves from our response time, if we could do this as a culture Lord have mercy we would all be so much lighter.
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: The next one is someone might misinterpret my delay.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: So I'm going again through actual consequences like things people could read or what could happen if I respond late.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: The third one is they could misinterpret my delay.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: That's their story.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: It's actually not my identity or my fault and if it matters I'll clarify.
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: And if they ask or they seem funky, usually I don't chase them on their sense.
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: If they're acting funky I'm like I wonder if their feelings are hurt.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Most people I won't go do that.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: I actually want to be in relationship with powerful people that if their feelings are hurt they would tell me because I'm actually safe and kind and okay to hear it, but then again, remember that it doesn't mean I'm going to change my behavior.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: I can give them empathy without actually thinking I failed or needed to do behavior at it.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: And if they misinterpret my delay, if it matters, or if they say something, I'll totally clarify and occasionally, like if it's a little more, I would say there's a few things that fall into the higher stakes.
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: I'll give you an example A lot of times if I'm like three days or more or a week that I've, you know, haven't responded and um, and I go to respond I think I've told you before where I will um, I let myself apologize once.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: So hey, sorry for the delay.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: And then I just answer their thing, what I don't do.
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: I used to like grovel or say I'm bad at texting or I can't, I probably hurt your feelings, or please don't Like.
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: I used to just do quite a few.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: But again, remember, like I have awareness and empathy that my delay might've impacted them, but I also I'm not saying that I'm going to.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: I failed.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: It was actually a powerful choice.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, hey, sorry for the delay.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: And then I answer whatever and I don't take a lot of energy.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: I don't explain it because I didn't do anything wrong.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: And the next thing is so that could be clarity Somebody could ask, if they wanted, like hey, do you not want it?
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: Like I said, remember how I asked my hey, not looking for invites.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: If they ask me that, I'll be so kind and care, but I don't go out of my way to over explain, um, because I realize that's usually a fond trauma response for me and I lose energy.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: And then, lastly, a possible consequence is that I'll feel uncomfortable, but I've learned that uncomfortable discomfort is in danger.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: I can be okay even if I'm uncomfortable because I'm actually.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: I think this the unlearning, the guilt or the obligation or weight of unread things like actually getting the emotional baggage even if you don't respond in a timely fashion your next step in growth is actually disengaging from the emotional weight of it is being okay.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: It's like you have to prove to yourself that you're okay.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: So this part, I think, is actually kind of like drawing new pathways in your brain.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: So discomfort is okay, it's not dangerous.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: I don't need to fix everything that I feel.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: I can still be safe and grounded even if I feel uncomfortable.
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: What doesn't happen, like again playing the tape forward if I don't respond right away, the world doesn't fall apart.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: I'm not a bad friend.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: God doesn't revoke his peace because I took three days to text back.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: So, as you're going through, I just want you to assess where are you at?
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: Should you actually be responding less?
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: Did you not realize that you could actually opt to like you're not at someone else's mercy, or what they might or might not interpret?
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: Have you?
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: And, that being said, your next growth spot would be remembering you get to set the terms.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: What would it look like if you chose to purposely not respond until you had the capacity or it felt peaceful or you had some space?
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: What would you like?
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: I said I have my little formula of like, sorry for the delay, and then I just give them the answer.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: What would it look like for you to acknowledge the impact without taking on judgment or blame or promising to show up differently or judging yourself or throwing yourself into the box?
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: You are allowed to respond from peace and not panic.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: You're allowed.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: You actually.
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: It's powerful and you won't be bitter or resentful or feel overwhelmed with friendships.
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: I actually watch people who feel like they can't set a boundary or actually manage their own timeframe because other people will have interpretations of their timeframe like either ghost or do burnout or over-respond to make up for the lack of response.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: I'm like what would you if you just didn't show up triggered or hypervigilant and you actually just manage and chose, like your own timeframe and what is good and like it's a powerful choice?
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: It's okay if someone else has a different version of quick.
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: You're not at the mercy of their quick, nor are you a bad friend, nor are you a bad person, nor are you a bad Christian, nor do you not love them.
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: Well, just taking all these judgments out of something that, again going back to the analogy of it being like a family budget, different people get different.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: They are allowed to value things differently and have different I was going to say monetary value, but for the analogy like days that represent okay, I think for me, when I don't like being on the flip side of getting not responses from people that are friends who just who are even slower responses than I, am what it doesn't mean again going about the invites like I might miss invites.
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: I won't hold a plan for people who don't respond or if I have friends who are like me and don't respond for a while if there is a question, you know like we're working on something together, like I'm currently planning a few friends parties with a few other like group, like two other girlfriends, so if I don't hear back from them, the flip side of giving grace if I'm asking for grace, you know, like untangling other people from our digital leash expectations not just us from theirs is that I'll just copy and paste the original question back because it takes me no emotional energy and to me, like I've had that conversation with some friends who I can tell respond quickly, not anxious texters, but have more of the capacity, I'll just say like hey, I'm not.
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: Actually I don't respond.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: Like my kids get my priority.
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: So if you ever miss something from me and you didn't get an answer, feel free to copy and paste the question again, because what I notice is like bitterness kind of happens maybe when people have to fall up a few times and try to, they're trying to be kind and thinking different ways to say it.
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: Where it doesn't feel pushy, I'm like no, no, no, this is actually just like logistics, this is not your heart, this is not my heart.
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: Copy and paste the same question you didn't get an answer from me and do it again, or I'll have friends that do the emoticon where they'll just question it like or whatever that is in the text.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: Thing I'm like this is let's take the interpretation.
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: Let's take the interpretation.
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: Let's take the character or identity and the worth statements out of our digital leash so that we untangle from overwhelm and offense and insecurities and hurts and we can just actually show up with.
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: This is a way going back to like the 1950s.
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: It was a way that people could have access to us.
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: What it did not mean is set the promise of a covenant that we're agreeing to, how they will have access or what the terms of our friendship are.
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: You're just going to find so much more peace.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: So my question would be to pose this to the Holy Spirit when does it feel anxious for you to purposely be powerful and not just respond because someone texts you or you're at the mercy or you should?
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: What are some of these unspoken obligations that you didn't realize you'd put on yourself, that you couldn't imagine purposefully not responding within a week, and actually kind of reimagine what the Lord's like?
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: Oh what if my heart, I could actually choose and be powerful and do it at a pace that respects my current capacity, how I want to be present and spend my time and be okay with getting back in the driver's seat of being powerful in this area of your life.
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: So boundaries could be turning off red receipts.
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: I definitely do that.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: I also will leave group messages that I'm not actually involved and I'll say something nice like hey, this is such a fun idea.
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to be able to make it or I don't have the capacity in this season.
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: Thanks for thinking of me.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: I'm going to leave the group message.
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: I send something nice, short and sweet.
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: But what I'm assuming is that other people are adults and they're actually not tying the group message to their worth.
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: If they get hurt or offended because they took a worth or value statement out of it, they're welcome to come to me and I can clean that up.
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: But I just do one simple, polite thing.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: But that is one of my boundaries.
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: I'll leave things and when I create text group threads, I say the same please, if this doesn't interest, you leave it, because we cannot like oh my gosh, it's a suffocating amount of pressure if we're reading subtext behind this thing.
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: Let's actually just be adults.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: That show up plainly and if we have something, a story we're telling ourselves.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: Instead of assuming the meaning, ask them without offense or a lot of energy, and then it can clear it up.
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: Or, if it's true, we could deal with it slowly and be like, oh, I never would have meant to communicate that with you.
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: And then, realistically, you guys part of where I got some permission to not respond to other people, like not be afraid of other people's emotions in the like the pace of my response is watching Jesus in the New Testament, like repeatedly, sometimes he was moved by need, but he actually was never.
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: He was never moved by need or urgency.
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: He always did what he saw the father doing.
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: So, like you know people, there was delays in his response.
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: Like a lot he's like sure, and then on the way he stopped this and that and then there was a consequence that person died, that kid got more sicker.
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: You know, like Lazarus, there's so many.
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: Like the daughter, what is it?
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: The officer's daughter who died because of his delays?
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: Like you just see him time again.
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: We actually are meant to model how Jesus lived in relationship with other people, so we're meant to actually be accountable to the Father and to respond to His level of urgency and priorities.
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: We're not actually at the mercy or it is a wrong priority.
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: If we are afraid of people pleasing and the messages they could take out of our response time, it's actually we're meant to be obedient to the Lord and have those priorities aligned with what he says we're supposed to be prioritizing this season.
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: So the goal is not to ghost everyone, but it's to stop ghosting yourself with the overwhelm and call it accessibility or being a good friend or being judgment.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: There's actually no judgment in your worth or you're failing, or being a good friend or being judgment.
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: There's actually no judgment in your worth, or you're failing, or being bad or good.
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: You're actually going to set parameters and then your availability is what you're powerfully choosing.
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: You want the space the phone's going to take up in your life.
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: So I hope that helps kind of untangle some of the digital leash.
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: I hope you find some freedom as you pose some of these questions to the Lord and get more freedom in not feeling the weight or guilt or shame or judgment with people's access or your response times or other people's response times.
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: Bless you guys.