Latest / Magic Divorce Club Podcast / Ep 12: How to Get the Support You Need During Divorce

Transcript

Ep 12: How to Get the Support You Need During Divorce · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
• 0:05
  This is your space to successfully navigate your divorce with
• 0:10
  confidence and create
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: a roadmap to the life of your dreams.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Hannah Harvey.
• 0:16
  I'm the author of How to Divorce Sober and I have helped
• 0:20
  thousands of women to
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: process the trauma of divorce and step into an exciting future.
• 0:27
  Please like and subscribe because this really helps my little
• 0:31
  podcast to grow and
• 0:33
  if you would like more from me you can subscribe at
• 0:36
  magicdivorceclub.substack.com
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: for a host of other support tools.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's me Hannah and today I'm answering a question from one of you guys.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: A lovely lady called Patricia has been in touch.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: She's towards the end of her divorce but she's asked specifically,
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: let me get the wording right,
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: to talk about how you call in
• 1:10
  your support network so who are they where do you find them
• 1:15
  what can you do to
• 1:16
  attract more support because as you go through divorce it can
• 1:22
  feel like you're the
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: only person in the world who's going through this and
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know,
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: when it feels like there's lots of drama going on as well,
• 1:33
  you feel like you don't want to burden people with it or be
• 1:36
  like that person who's
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: turning up with,
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: and then he's done this or she's done this.
• 1:42
  And yeah,
• 1:44
  it's like,
• 1:45
  it's quite a tricky little web to kind of work your way through
• 1:49
  to go...
• 1:53
  what support is positive and helpful and what is actually
• 1:56
  counterproductive and not
• 1:57
  really helping me so yeah I really want to look at where we get
• 2:03
  support from what
• 2:04
  you can do to actively find this during your divorce and so
• 2:09
  you're not feeling like
• 2:10
  you're so on your own because yeah that was one of the things
• 2:14
  that really used to
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: send me over the edge is when I felt
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was just doing it all on my own and a lot of it was just in my head.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't doing it on my own, but I felt like I was.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're in those crucial crisis moments,
• 2:29
  that's what your head tells you it's like you're in this on
• 2:32
  your own you may as
• 2:33
  well just sit and cry and panic um and that's not like
• 2:38
  definitely cry don't get me
• 2:39
  wrong but it's not always it's first of all it's not the truth
• 2:44
  and second of all um
• 2:46
  you know you're not on your own like there will be people out
• 2:50
  there who want to
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: help you and want to support you
• 2:54
  okay so um this this whole topic like how do we ask for help uh
• 3:02
  when I was writing
• 3:03
  my book I like the first draft you just kind of like get all
• 3:07
  the shit out your head
• 3:09
  just blast it out on the page and when I came to kind of review
• 3:12
  the first draft I'm
• 3:13
  like I've written about getting support in every section so we
• 3:19
  had to sort of
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: collect everything together into one place so it wasn't like
• 3:24
  and get support and do this to get support and you need to make
• 3:27
  sure you're getting support.
• 3:28
  It was like one big section where we're going,
• 3:31
  this is what you need to do.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the big things that really came up for me is how hard it is.
• 3:40
  It is really hard at certain times in our lives to actually ask
• 3:45
  for support
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: because,
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 3:48
  we're kind of taught that we've got to do these like it's a
• 3:51
  test or something.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you've got to do these things on your own.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to be independent.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to be self-sufficient.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that you're being criticized by your ex.
• 4:02
  for the way that you used to behave and the way you used to
• 4:05
  rely on them or I don't
• 4:07
  know could be all sorts of different things that just make you
• 4:10
  go right I'm going
• 4:12
  to prove to myself to the world that I can do this all on my
• 4:16
  own and I don't need
• 4:17
  anybody's help and another time that that really reminded me of
• 4:23
  was when I had a
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: baby so when I had my first child he's now 13 and
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like,
• 4:31
  I will be able to do this all on my own because I'm his mother
• 4:34
  and therefore I am
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: not allowed any help.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what happened?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I had a bit of a breakdown.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was a lot.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's really hard to raise a baby on your own.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And actually the way we evolved was not
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: to do it on our own.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: There was the village and there were people,
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 5:01
  especially other women traditionally would come around and
• 5:05
  support each other and
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: look out for each other.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you're on your period,
• 5:11
  you'll go and like be together in a space where you're looking
• 5:14
  after yourself.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you've got a baby,
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: then there's older women or,
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: people that would support you in all of it.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was never meant to be something we do on our own.
• 5:26
  and that is the case for all of our big challenges and all of
• 5:31
  the big conflicts so
• 5:34
  for some fucked up reason in this day and age we have these
• 5:39
  beliefs where we're
• 5:40
  like I should be able to do this on my own and we might feel
• 5:46
  guilty for leaning on
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: other people
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: We might fear that we're going to be judged for not being capable,
• 5:54
  not being smart enough or replace that with your particular
• 5:59
  flavor of self-doubt.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Mine is I'm not good enough.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Every now and again, things like I'm not smart enough will come up.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: But it could be all sorts of things.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm mean, I'm useless.
• 6:11
  I'm,
• 6:11
  you know,
• 6:12
  replaced with something the bully said to you when you were a
• 6:15
  kid.
• 6:15
  And those are the things that will come up that prevent you
• 6:18
  from actually doing the
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: thing that you should be doing.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, the biggie is like, I don't want to be a burden.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to accept other people's charity or help.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to be a burden.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to add to their workload.
• 6:40
  I remember feeling that a lot with my parents being like
• 6:43
  they've already got enough going on.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to add to their pile.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: They're going to be disappointed in me.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or it's just going to be too much and I'm going to wear them out.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I don't want to do that.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I want them to be happy.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so then we close in on ourselves.
• 7:05
  And what happens when we try and do it all alone and we close
• 7:08
  in on ourselves is panic attacks.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds familiar.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Something comes along and you're like,
• 7:15
  you're already so tightly wound that the slightest thing is
• 7:20
  going to send you off
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: into a spiral,
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: feeling panicked and overwhelmed.
• 7:27
  And then you have to,
• 7:28
  you know,
• 7:29
  claw back your sanity from those situations.
• 7:33
  Um,
• 7:34
  you'll also burn out if you try and do everything yourself,
• 7:37
  like it's just not possible.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: We're meant to be a team.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: We're meant to have like different,
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: like a business,
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: different people doing different tasks.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's not meant to be all of us on our own.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And the other thing we can do,
• 7:54
  because I guess we're in a state of like fight or flight
• 7:57
  whenever you're getting
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: triggered or whatever,
• 8:01
  is you can make reactive decisions that then can massively like
• 8:06
  negatively impact
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: your future and make things worse.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: So the best thing we can do is look at the divorce,
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: look at you,
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: your family unit as it is now,
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: like a business,
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: and go,
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do this on my own.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to be the CEO over here.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: By the way,
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: CEO spends most of their time thinking,
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: strategizing,
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: not cleaning their own fucking toilet.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not saying don't clean your own toilet.
• 8:40
  But if you imagine that your role now is to be looking after
• 8:46
  yourself so that you
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: can make really strategic decisions,
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: what support therefore do you need to bring in?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the truth is that
• 9:02
  Asking for support is hard because of all those things I've
• 9:06
  talked about.
• 9:07
  You know,
• 9:08
  we've got this background where it's really important that we
• 9:13
  show up.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: We did all our exams on our own.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: We did not cheat.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: We did not copy anybody else.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: We've so far done everything on our own and we need to uphold ourselves.
• 9:25
  this you know belief that that's what's important so it
• 9:29
  actually takes a lot of
• 9:31
  courage to go to the people that we love and say i need your
• 9:37
  help because i'm going
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: under so asking for support is a strength it's not a weakness
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it does take courage.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens when we do it is then we become the CEO.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: We have the calm state.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: We have clarity.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: We have confidence.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: We make better choices.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel supported, you are being literally held.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it means, right?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's that feeling of
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever we do stuff in the Magic Divorce Club,
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like,
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: remember that the ground is holding you up.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Feel that contact with the ground and that gentle support.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's where we start.
• 10:19
  So when you've created this network around you,
• 10:22
  they are there to hold you.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you can trust them.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: And like I say, we become calm.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: We get much clearer about what we're going to do next.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: You have confidence in the choices and you make better choices.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: So,
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: for me personally,
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: once I finally reached out in my motherhood journey to get support,
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: I stopped feeling quite so depressed.
• 10:49
  Quite so wrung out and strung out and beating myself up for not
• 10:53
  being a good enough mum.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when it came to my divorce, I had a lot of support, actually.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: By the time that I'd got to my divorce, I was like...
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I knew.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, this is too big for me.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure where to start, but I know I can't do this on my own.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: So,
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 11:17
  I told you guys before about when I got a business coach
• 11:20
  because I was writing a
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: book.
• 11:21
  But the reality is she became more of a life coach to support
• 11:25
  me through what was going on.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: I would never have hired a coach to support me with that.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was like,
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: no,
• 11:31
  I need to get my business off the ground because I have to be
• 11:34
  self-sufficient and I
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: have to do it all on my own.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: So,
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: you might end,
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: go down,
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: follow nudges from the universe and go down certain routes and be like,
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to do this for this reason.
• 11:50
  But sometimes you just have to trust that actually you're doing
• 11:53
  it for a reason,
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: which is completely out of mind.
• 11:57
  your imagination of what you think you're doing it for um yeah
• 12:03
  and that led to then
• 12:04
  like getting therapeutic support obviously I had the legal and
• 12:10
  professional support
• 12:10
  but it massively changed how I felt knowing that I had this
• 12:15
  team of people around
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: me so the types of people that you can call in
• 12:21
  obviously you can you can kind of call in people that you know
• 12:25
  that for practical
• 12:27
  support and it's completely free so asking friends and family
• 12:31
  how they can support
• 12:32
  you and to be honest your friends and family will probably say
• 12:37
  if there's anything
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I can do let me know and that's your opportunity to go yeah
• 12:43
  I would really appreciate your help and try and come up with
• 12:46
  something together.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like what is it they actually would like to help you with?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're really good at cooking and they're like,
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: just come for tea on a Wednesday and bring your kids.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe they'd be up for childcare swaps.
• 13:02
  I sometimes find if I have my child and another one,
• 13:05
  it's easier than just looking after mine.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, it's kind of a win-win.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um,
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then you might need like emotional support.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: So you can go to therapy.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: There are groups out there depending on your unique situations,
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: like support groups that are free.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Of course,
• 13:29
  you can get coaching and help in terms of getting through the
• 13:34
  divorce and,
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: the expert guidance on what to do next.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: So you get through it really quickly.
• 13:42
  you can do things like embodied support so you know your yoga
• 13:46
  your meditation your
• 13:47
  breath work all of that has a really big impact and that's like
• 13:52
  you looking after
• 13:53
  you you're going I'm going to do these things you know even as
• 13:57
  a yoga teacher
• 13:58
  myself there's times I'm like I can't be bothered to do it and
• 14:02
  every time I do I
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: feel better
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, you also have your professional support.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: So lawyers,
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: mediators,
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: financial advisors,
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: all of these things,
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: it's like they're kind of parallel with each other.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: So we need that practical support.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: On the one hand, it's like the stuff on the outside, but
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: The inside is just as important.
• 14:32
  So getting your emotional support and doing the things that you
• 14:35
  know will make you feel better.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know,
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: you could lean on friends to be like an accountability buddy,
• 14:41
  making sure that you're doing your steps or making sure that
• 14:44
  you're going to bed on
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: time and not scrolling Facebook or Facebook.
• 14:50
  Katie last week on the workshop was telling us about how she
• 14:53
  used to stay up all
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: night Googling things because she was like obsessed.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: But obviously you need your sleep.
• 15:00
  So even if you're getting support from somebody to protect that
• 15:04
  one thing,
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: it's going to make such a difference.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't have to be perfect because asking for help is hard.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: We've acknowledged that.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do everything at once.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just do one thing this week.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: that is going to start bringing in that level of support that you need.
• 15:26
  And if you don't know where to start or you're like,
• 15:30
  I don't have anybody.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have anyone in my circle who cares or is cheering me on.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, you do.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: You've got me now.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: I am cheering you on because I have been there.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: I know how hard it is.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: So at the very least, you've got me.
• 15:50
  And if you ever have any questions that you want me to answer
• 15:53
  on the podcast,
• 15:53
  do it.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: But reach out to me.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: I reply to every email.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: I say it every week.
• 15:57
  I'm like,
• 15:58
  it's just me here creating stuff to support you because that is
• 16:03
  my calling now.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: So just get in touch.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here.
• 16:11
  So if you can identify one thing this week that would support
• 16:15
  you and start to create this...
• 16:20
  feeling that it's not just you on your own i highly encourage
• 16:25
  you to have a little
• 16:25
  brainstorm and go through that list like what could you do to
• 16:29
  support yourself on a
• 16:30
  practical level maybe hiring in a cleaner once a month just to
• 16:34
  give you that
• 16:36
  feeling of being held it's not just you doing everything me you
• 16:40
  know reaching out
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: to a friend how could we support each other um
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Getting that legal or financial advice,
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: if you've been kind of putting your head in the sand about that,
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: reach out.
• 16:53
  Reach out to these people and do one thing this week that will
• 16:56
  move the needle
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: towards you building the support network.
• 17:02
  And if you are listening to this and you're realizing you've
• 17:04
  been carrying it all
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: on your own,
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: you don't have to.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like I say,
• 17:11
  you've got me and I want you to know that I do have like a
• 17:14
  small number of spaces
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: open at the moment to work with me one to one.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, this isn't about you doing more.
• 17:24
  It's about like having someone in your corner so you can feel
• 17:28
  calmer,
• 17:29
  clearer,
• 17:30
  stronger.
• 17:31
  All of that stuff we said about having that support as you move
• 17:35
  through your
• 17:35
  divorce so that you start to make better decisions and you
• 17:40
  start feeling less
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: overwhelmed and panicked.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want to explore what that looks like,
• 17:49
  I'd love you to apply to see if there's a good fit for us to
• 17:52
  work together.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: The link is in the show notes.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah,
• 17:57
  just let me know what it is that you are going to do this week
• 18:02
  that moves that
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: needle slightly.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if you could subscribe and leave a review, that would be amazing.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: For all of your tips and tools,
• 18:18
  head over to magicdivorceclub.substack.com and you can find
• 18:26
  everything that you
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: need there.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: You've got this and I've got you.