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The Emperor's New Quills | Emperor's New Clothes Retold | Stories for Kids · Dorktales Storytime | Stories for Kids Who Love Big Adventures

0:01
SPEAKER_01: Hello, Dork Squad.
0:02
SPEAKER_01: I'm Jonathan Cormer, and you're listening to Dork Tales Storytime, the podcast for kids and their pop culture loving grown-ups.
0:14
SPEAKER_02: It's a beautiful day for a story, adventure, and glory, new friends and old ones too.
0:21
SPEAKER_02: It's an excellent day to get swept away in a tale, so let us regale you.
0:34
SPEAKER_01: Okay, Reg, you've got an important role in today's story.
0:38
SPEAKER_01: I do.
0:40
SPEAKER_01: Ooh, is it like the one about me being an ugly duckling?
0:44
SPEAKER_01: I liked that one.
0:45
SPEAKER_01: I was the hero.
0:48
SPEAKER_01: Well, the story is not actually about you, but you're going to play an important role.
0:53
SPEAKER_01: I thought you were so similar to one of the characters that maybe, just maybe, I could have you say all of his lines.
1:01
SPEAKER_01: You won't be telling me what to say?
1:04
SPEAKER_01: I won't have to fact check with you.
1:08
SPEAKER_01: I'll just be part of your telling of the story.
1:11
SPEAKER_01: Exact mundo, buddy.
1:13
SPEAKER_01: I just want you to act naturally.
1:15
SPEAKER_01: And you get to play an emperor.
1:18
SPEAKER_01: Oh glorious! The role I was meant to perform.
1:24
SPEAKER_01: Well, narrator, get on with it.
1:27
SPEAKER_01: Alright, here we go.
1:28
SPEAKER_01: Jonathan, um I believe the proper introduction to any tale is Once Upon a Time OK.
1:37
SPEAKER_01: Once upon a time.
1:43
SPEAKER_01: I must have stage fright.
1:46
SPEAKER_01: Reg, you're sitting in my iced tea.
1:49
SPEAKER_01: Ah yes.
1:50
SPEAKER_01: Explains the chill.
1:53
SPEAKER_01: Ready to start now?
1:55
SPEAKER_01: The Emperor awaits! I was born ready, my boy.
2:01
SPEAKER_01: Oh, this is how you were born, then.
2:03
SPEAKER_01: You were born sticky.
2:05
SPEAKER_01: I don't know why you use so much lemon in your iced tea.
2:09
SPEAKER_01: That was practically an Arnold Palmer.
2:11
SPEAKER_01: You were sitting in my drink! And I just like to get in the middle of things, you know.
2:17
SPEAKER_01: Now that I'm a major part of this story, I've decided to go ahead and dive deep.
2:23
SPEAKER_01: Into my cup.
2:25
SPEAKER_01: Which is half full, my boy.
2:27
SPEAKER_01: Let's begin the story, shall we?
2:30
SPEAKER_01: Righto, let's get to it.
2:32
SPEAKER_01: Once upon a time there was an emperor.
2:36
SPEAKER_01: Who, that's me.
2:38
SPEAKER_01: And that emperor loved nothing more in the world than new toys?
2:43
SPEAKER_01: Uh no.
2:44
SPEAKER_01: Crowns?
2:45
SPEAKER_01: Uh getting warmer.
2:47
SPEAKER_01: Kerchiefs I guess that's close enough.
2:51
SPEAKER_01: He loved new clothes.
2:53
SPEAKER_01: The emperor spent all of his free time buying and wearing fancy outfits.
2:57
SPEAKER_01: In fact, the emperor only left the house, going to the theater or riding his horse to the market, so he could show off the new clothes he wore.
3:06
SPEAKER_01: Sound familiar?
3:07
SPEAKER_01: Like who?
3:09
SPEAKER_01: Like me.
3:10
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's preposterous.
3:13
SPEAKER_01: Reg, you have a different hat for every day of the week.
3:17
SPEAKER_01: True.
3:18
SPEAKER_01: And I paint my toenails.
3:20
SPEAKER_01: Lovely.
3:22
SPEAKER_01: So one day, a couple of swindlers came to the Emperor's city.
3:27
SPEAKER_01: Oh no! Yes.
3:29
SPEAKER_01: And they hatched a plan to scam the town.
3:32
SPEAKER_01: They told everyone they were weavers, and claimed to make the most fabulous, finest clothing imaginable.
3:40
SPEAKER_01: Who my my They boasted about having the most unique fabric with intricate patterns, including a twist.
3:48
SPEAKER_01: A twist, you say?
3:50
SPEAKER_01: Yes, the fabric was imperceptible.
3:53
SPEAKER_01: It was invisible to those unworthy of seeing it.
3:56
SPEAKER_01: Anyone incompetent or unworthy would not be able to behold the colours or patterns.
4:02
SPEAKER_01: That's amazing! The Emperor certainly thought so.
4:07
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
4:08
SPEAKER_01: Because then you can pick out the cream of the crop.
4:11
SPEAKER_01: Get the clever people in your crew! Haha.
4:14
SPEAKER_01: Wow, Reg.
4:16
SPEAKER_01: Uh and the Emperor wanted to use the fabric's special effect to understand which people on his court were fit for their positions.
4:24
SPEAKER_01: A prodigious test.
4:26
SPEAKER_01: The Emperor sent for these new weavers to weave in his castle, and the weavers weren't short on their own demands either.
4:34
SPEAKER_01: Of course they weren't.
4:35
SPEAKER_01: If only I had known they were swindling me.
4:38
SPEAKER_01: Someone should have told me.
4:40
SPEAKER_01: Well, nobody goes against the word of the Emperor, though.
4:44
SPEAKER_01: That's quite correct.
4:46
SPEAKER_01: I can't believe what I was thinking.
4:49
SPEAKER_01: Anyway, the swidlers in the form of weavers demanded gold, jewels, and beautiful fabrics from the emperor as payment for a tailored suit, woven to the emperor's specifications in his castle.
5:03
SPEAKER_01: They stashed the gold away, shooed out the emperor and his court, and began to pretend to weave.
5:09
SPEAKER_01: After some time, the emperor thought aloud What?
5:16
SPEAKER_01: The Emperor thought aloud.
5:20
SPEAKER_01: Why do you keep elbowing me?
5:23
SPEAKER_01: The Emperor Oh goodness yes, of course.
5:27
SPEAKER_01: I wonder how much those weavers have made so far.
5:33
SPEAKER_01: And he decided to check in on them.
5:35
SPEAKER_01: Step, step, step, step, step, step, step, Reg.
5:40
SPEAKER_01: You don't need to say step, step, step when the Emperor moves.
5:45
SPEAKER_01: Oh, but Jonathan, I'm playing the Emperor, and it really helps me get into character.
5:52
SPEAKER_01: You only need to speak like the Emperor, not pretend to move like him.
5:57
SPEAKER_01: If you want me to do 50% of a character, then what's the point of even trying?
6:03
SPEAKER_01: Okay, fine.
6:04
SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine what the Emperor thought next?
6:08
SPEAKER_01: Hmm, well, he probably felt a little insecure.
6:12
SPEAKER_01: He wouldn't want to open the door to check on the weavers and see nothing.
6:16
SPEAKER_01: That means he's beneath the status of the people to whom the fabric was visible.
6:22
SPEAKER_01: Yes, the Emperor himself wasn't sure he wanted to discover that he was any less intelligent than he thought.
6:30
SPEAKER_01: That bit about being less intelligent makes no sense to me, my boy.
6:35
SPEAKER_01: But do I hate to look silly?
6:38
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
6:39
SPEAKER_01: Exactly what?
6:41
SPEAKER_01: No, just exactly.
6:43
SPEAKER_01: That's why you're playing the Emperor.
6:45
SPEAKER_01: And I'm doing an exceedingly smart job of it, aren't I?
6:52
SPEAKER_01: As I was saying, the Emperor didn't dare check in on the weavers as they worked.
6:57
SPEAKER_01: Of course, he knew he had nothing to fear.
7:00
SPEAKER_01: Of course.
7:02
SPEAKER_01: But just in case, he sent his oldest, most trusted minister to check on the weavers' progress.
7:11
SPEAKER_01: That's a grand choice.
7:13
SPEAKER_01: Nobody is more worthy of their position than an esteemed person of the cloth.
7:18
SPEAKER_01: The elderly priest went to the room where the weavers had set up their empty looms.
7:23
SPEAKER_01: There, of course, he saw them weaving, but could not for the life of him see any fabric at their looms.
7:30
SPEAKER_01: Come closer, they said.
7:32
SPEAKER_01: Fearing that he'd look foolish and cursing himself for not renewing his glasses prescription in a decade, the priest inched closer to the loom.
7:41
SPEAKER_01: Don't ya love the colours and the detail?
7:45
SPEAKER_01: They said.
7:46
SPEAKER_01: Oh yes, the vibrance so bold.
7:50
SPEAKER_01: And the pattern so intricate what colour would you say that is?
7:57
SPEAKER_01: said the priest, and the swindlers replied It's somewhere between a rich port moive, a deep mustardly yellow, oh and and don't forget the interlocking mix of floral and pastely.
8:12
SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, uh I'll tell the emperor all about it, said the very nervous priest, before scuttling away and carrying the lies right back to the emperor.
8:24
SPEAKER_01: If there's anything I learned from being a small mammal, it's that you absolutely cannot dig yourself out of a hole.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: But that's just my opinion.
8:34
SPEAKER_01: And it's true, but the priests really didn't want to be embarrassed about being dim, so as he cowered in front of the emperor, he could only whisper It's exquisite, your majesty.
8:50
SPEAKER_01: So that was that.
8:52
SPEAKER_01: The Emperor was very excited to have his clothes tailored by the new weavers, and when they demanded more gold and more jewels for their work, he sent it.
9:02
SPEAKER_01: Oh, but did he only send the minister to check their efforts?
9:06
SPEAKER_01: Great question, Reg Emperor.
9:09
SPEAKER_01: He didn't.
9:10
SPEAKER_01: The Emperor also sent two people on his court to double check, and let me guess, they didn't want to look foolish either.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
9:20
SPEAKER_01: Sir Stallingblod said.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I'm quite taken with the buttons, yes, me.
9:32
SPEAKER_01: And Lady Mortengrow was marveling at the fringe.
9:36
SPEAKER_01: Seriously, she would not stop running her fingers through the invisible fringe.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: Fringe somehow always manages to get tangled in my quills.
9:46
SPEAKER_01: But I don't blame her.
9:48
SPEAKER_01: I would be quite taken with a good fringe myself.
9:51
SPEAKER_01: As was the emperor, or so he thought.
9:53
SPEAKER_01: When his entire court had appraised his outfit and declared it stunning, the emperor knew it was time to show off his wondrous wardrobe.
10:02
SPEAKER_01: Word spread through the city that the emperor was going to make a grand procession.
10:07
SPEAKER_01: Marvelous, fantastique, and très chic were praises thrown about regarding the invisible clothing.
10:14
SPEAKER_01: Oh, did anybody try to touch it?
10:17
SPEAKER_01: That's just it, they did.
10:19
SPEAKER_01: But everyone was so preoccupied with looking over their own shoulders, convinced that they would be found out, that it didn't matter if they saw or touched a thing.
10:30
SPEAKER_01: From the highest lords and ladies to the flies in the stables, everyone was abuzz with anticipation about the Emperor's new outfit.
10:40
SPEAKER_01: Sounds like a grand soire is in store.
10:44
SPEAKER_01: The weavers worked overtime.
10:46
SPEAKER_01: And the Emperor paid them extra to complete the outfit before the big day.
10:53
SPEAKER_01: Excuse me, Jonathan, but I just want to ensure my portrayal of the Emper is that of a fair person.
11:00
SPEAKER_01: Is that too much to ask?
11:02
SPEAKER_01: Oh, not at all, Reg.
11:04
SPEAKER_01: And to the Swindler's credit, their scam was really intricate.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: They'd pretend to carry bolts of invisible fabric back and forth through the great halls of the castle, and roll huge pretend spools of thread down the stairs, all the while exclaiming about their exquisite handicraft.
11:23
SPEAKER_01: All this talk about the outfit had the Emperor in a flurry.
11:26
SPEAKER_01: He'd run from person to person in the castle, bursting about news, saying things like, Oh my, I can't wait to see it! And Dear me, I hope nobody cries at witnessing my outfit's beauty.
11:43
SPEAKER_01: And even Really?
11:47
SPEAKER_01: Really?
11:47
SPEAKER_01: One more?
11:49
SPEAKER_01: Yes, really.
11:50
SPEAKER_01: You wanted to play the Emperor 100%.
11:53
SPEAKER_01: But 100% kind of uh tickles my throat, you know.
11:57
SPEAKER_01: It's not an easy voice to do.
11:59
SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
12:01
SPEAKER_01: Well, uh I could play the Emperor.
12:05
SPEAKER_01: While you were still learning how to spell your name! I was being trained to conquer galaxies.
12:14
SPEAKER_01: Whoa whoa, easy there, Turtle.
12:16
SPEAKER_01: Stay on Battlefield Earth.
12:19
SPEAKER_01: I'll do the Emperor.
12:22
SPEAKER_01: Alright, so the Emperor ran about the castle, saying things like I, the Emperor, am thrilled to show the people my spectacular style.
12:34
SPEAKER_01: And the morning finally came.
12:37
SPEAKER_01: The swindlers brought big invisible trunks up to the Emperor's dressing room and pretended to take out, unfurl, and announce each piece of the Emperor's new outfit.
12:49
SPEAKER_01: This is the magnificent cape, reversible for both indoor and outdoor finery.
12:56
SPEAKER_01: Notice the bead work.
12:59
SPEAKER_01: The king's court would ooh and ah.
13:08
SPEAKER_01: Then nod at one another.
13:11
SPEAKER_01: It's almost as if they were helping themselves feel better about lying to look more important.
13:16
SPEAKER_01: Very much so, Reg, uh Emperor.
13:19
SPEAKER_01: And when the swindlers held up the Emperor's overcoat, the entire room gasped.
13:30
SPEAKER_01: And three women fainted.
13:32
SPEAKER_01: Oh, but don't worry, every single one of them could see that there was nothing there.
13:37
SPEAKER_01: They just weren't sure if they were the only ones unworthy of their station.
13:42
SPEAKER_01: What if everyone else truly saw the outfits?
13:46
SPEAKER_01: Before the swindlers dressed the emperor, he bestowed upon each of them medals of honor for their service to him.
13:53
SPEAKER_01: Oh dear! Here are the highest medals of the land.
13:59
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for your great service to our kingdom.
14:04
SPEAKER_01: And the rest of the court was ushered out of the room, so the emperor could try on his new clothes in front of the mirror.
14:12
SPEAKER_01: If his majesty would undress, so we can fit you with your new garments.
14:18
SPEAKER_01: Here are the trousers, so sharply cut and lined.
14:23
SPEAKER_01: Note the buttons just below the knee.
14:27
SPEAKER_01: Don't worry, you won't be weighed down.
14:30
SPEAKER_01: These pants are as light as silk.
14:33
SPEAKER_01: Said the swindlers, who had slipped the invisible trousers on the emperor, and were adjusting the waist with an invisible needle and thread.
14:43
SPEAKER_01: They had the emperor raise his arms above his head and fixed his cuffs.
14:48
SPEAKER_01: They gently tousled his ruffled collar, and finally tied the train to the back of his hips.
14:55
SPEAKER_01: When the court came in, they were unable to keep from staring.
15:03
SPEAKER_01: Their jaws were probably on the floor at the sight of their nude emperor.
15:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they definitely had to work to maintain straight faces.
15:14
SPEAKER_01: But the emperor announced that they should carry his train.
15:18
SPEAKER_01: Carry my train The chamberlains could do nothing but follow orders.
15:24
SPEAKER_01: They held their hands three inches above the floor, as if carrying a long swath of heavy fabric, and their hands hovered as the king strutted in front of them.
15:36
SPEAKER_01: What a spectacle this will be Oh yes it was.
15:42
SPEAKER_01: The Emperor had commissioned a gorgeous and real canopy to be held above him as he marched through the streets.
15:50
SPEAKER_01: Oh makes sense.
15:51
SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't want to burn my fair skin.
15:54
SPEAKER_01: I've never spent more than a minute in direct sunlight.
15:58
SPEAKER_01: What with all the fanning and shading people provide for royalty?
16:04
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, he was quite pale, and his entire body was on display.
16:08
SPEAKER_01: Like a naked mole rat.
16:11
SPEAKER_01: But he thought he was wearing a fine suit with a train.
16:15
SPEAKER_01: So, happy with his court and chamberlain's looks of stunned awe, the Emperor knew it was time to face the crowd that lined the streets of the palace.
16:24
SPEAKER_01: Ooh, I can't watch.
16:27
SPEAKER_01: Ah, you're playing the Emperor 100%, remember?
16:30
SPEAKER_01: Oh yes.
16:32
SPEAKER_01: Well here we go He said before the guards, stifling their laughter, pushed the large wooden doors of the castle open to the street.
16:43
SPEAKER_01: The trumpeters stepped out.
16:46
SPEAKER_01: Oh I simply live for a royal fanfare.
16:50
SPEAKER_01: And the crowd roared.
16:53
SPEAKER_01: First the people on the street saw the wonderful canopy.
16:57
SPEAKER_01: Here he comes, they shouted.
16:59
SPEAKER_01: I can't see, squeaked the little ones.
17:02
SPEAKER_01: The Emperor stepped into the street, and a hush fell over the crowd.
17:07
SPEAKER_01: Eyes started around.
17:09
SPEAKER_01: Nobody wanted to admit they couldn't see his clothes.
17:13
SPEAKER_01: Then someone started clapping.
17:15
SPEAKER_01: The rest of the crowd realized their lengthy pause might be suspicious, so they joined in on the applause.
17:22
SPEAKER_01: The Emperor kept walking proudly, chest held high, with a confident grin, and his unfortunate train carriers followed a few feet behind him, bent at the hip.
17:35
SPEAKER_01: Ooh, their backs must ache.
17:38
SPEAKER_01: They did.
17:39
SPEAKER_01: And the entire time the emperor was nude, strolling down the street for all to see his birthday suit.
17:48
SPEAKER_01: But nobody dared laugh at him.
17:50
SPEAKER_01: Of course not.
17:51
SPEAKER_01: One chuckle, and I might say off with your head.
17:57
SPEAKER_01: But children don't always play by the royal rules.
18:01
SPEAKER_01: Midstrut, the Emperor heard a little giggle coming from the crowd.
18:06
SPEAKER_01: A little giggle Who's giggling at the Emperor?
18:11
SPEAKER_01: The bare naked emperor stomped in a circle, trying to find where in the crowd the laughter had come from.
18:18
SPEAKER_01: Who could it be?
18:20
SPEAKER_01: The people were shocked.
18:22
SPEAKER_01: They quickly tried to stifle the hoots, coming from a young freckled boy in the front row.
18:28
SPEAKER_01: Shh quiet, they scolded.
18:31
SPEAKER_01: Did it work?
18:32
SPEAKER_01: Nope.
18:33
SPEAKER_01: The little boy only laughed louder.
18:36
SPEAKER_01: From the desperate clutches of his very embarrassed mother, he shouted But he's not got any clothes on.
18:43
SPEAKER_00: The Emperor is naked.
18:45
SPEAKER_00: Look at his bum.
18:49
SPEAKER_01: Ooh, I know the Emperor was not happy about that.
18:54
SPEAKER_01: Not a bit.
18:55
SPEAKER_01: As soon as the boy opened his mouth, it was like a dam had been released.
19:00
SPEAKER_01: Someone yelled, From the mouth of a child! The voice of an innocent shows us all, and a hushed he doesn't have anything on made it from ear to ear.
19:10
SPEAKER_01: A contagious wave of giggles began to ripple through the crowd.
19:14
SPEAKER_01: Pretty soon, everyone was slapping their knees and bent over, wiping tears from their eyes.
19:20
SPEAKER_01: Some were trying to catch their breath from their massive belly laughs.
19:29
SPEAKER_01: The whole town was in an uproar, and there was the emperor in the middle of it, completely nude.
19:38
SPEAKER_01: I feel like I've had a bad dream just like this before.
19:43
SPEAKER_01: Whatever did I do next?
19:46
SPEAKER_01: Well, you knew they were right, but you couldn't just cower and run away.
19:51
SPEAKER_01: The procession must go on.
19:53
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's correct, my boy.
19:55
SPEAKER_01: The show must always go on.
19:58
SPEAKER_01: I'll keep marching as if I'm right.
20:02
SPEAKER_01: And that's what he did.
20:04
SPEAKER_01: He tried his best to maintain a charade of a procession, fully nude, through the streets of his town.
20:12
SPEAKER_01: I'm a sight to behold Truly.
20:16
SPEAKER_01: And as he strutted about, the townspeople went from praising the clothes to praising the emperor for giving everyone such a great laugh.
20:26
SPEAKER_01: The end.
20:28
SPEAKER_01: Both the emperors and of the story.
20:34
SPEAKER_01: Touche, Reg.
20:38
SPEAKER_01: That was hilarious.
20:41
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for allowing me to play the Ever.
20:44
SPEAKER_01: Quite a fun romp.
20:46
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm very glad you enjoyed this one.
20:48
SPEAKER_01: Oh very much.
20:50
SPEAKER_01: But I can't help but wonder why did you really pick me for the lead role?
20:56
SPEAKER_01: Well, Reg, you're never wearing any clothes.
21:00
SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
21:02
SPEAKER_01: I don't wear clothes, do I?
21:05
SPEAKER_01: Unless you count your hats.
21:07
unknown: Ha!
21:07
SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't stop me from living big.
21:11
SPEAKER_01: Never.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: I must say, I am extremely brave.
21:17
SPEAKER_01: The bravest wretch.
21:19
SPEAKER_01: Always brave enough to be yourself.
21:25
SPEAKER_01: This has been a John in Character production.
21:27
SPEAKER_01: Today's story was written by Amy Thompson, edited by Molly Murphy, and performed by Jonathan Cormer.
21:34
SPEAKER_01: Sound recording and production by Jermaine Hamilton at Hamilton Studios.
21:38
SPEAKER_01: Reach out to us on Instagram or email us at DorkTalestorytime at gmail.com.
21:44
SPEAKER_01: Find links in the show notes or go to dorktailstorytime.com.
21:49
SPEAKER_01: Now, go be the hero of your own story, and we'll see you next once upon a time.
22:01
SPEAKER_04: To see it's a universe that we imagine centerns and lessons learn.
22:09
SPEAKER_04: This is where the unexpected happens.
22:13
SPEAKER_03: Join our humble wheels and hit the trails of a wonderful, wacky wild world of dork tails.
22:26
SPEAKER_03: Bloody da, da