Latest / The Diva Details / Honesty, Boundaries, and Moving On: A Guide to Ending Relationships

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Honesty, Boundaries, and Moving On: A Guide to Ending Relationships · The Diva Details

• 0:00
  Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva T-TownDetails.
• 0:05
  Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
• 0:10
  From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real and powerful.
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  No filters, no limits. Just fearless conversations to help you thrive.
• 0:23
  Let's dive in with Diva Mia and Diva Khat.
• 0:32
  Well hello diva Khat hello Diva
• 0:35
  Mia how are you today great i am loving summer oh i live for summer you know
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  that right i know you do i got a great tan you look great i'm telling you i'm
• 0:48
  telling you summer is like everybody i'm the blonde with the tan yes right maybe i should
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  hair blonde no you know
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  it's funny that during the summer people are out sunbathing
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  and checking out each other and checking out each other's bodies
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  and you know what happens then i just felt like summer people become alive they
• 1:09
  do but at the same time they tend to change partners they change everything
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  they do they change their health they make sure they look good if someone doesn't
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  fit them what happens they move on right that's it you get rid of it you You know.
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  Summer it's for lively people. It's a fun time.
• 1:27
  It is a fun time. And it's a good time to actually find a partner.
• 1:31
  Yeah. There's no time for no energy. I mean, negative energy for summer. I agree.
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  So sometimes people will go through the holidays with the same partner.
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  And by spring, they're like, oh, this is not what I'm looking for.
• 1:44
  And then by summer, it's time to switch. Yeah.
• 1:46
  But how do you switch the right way? You know, I think the best policy is honesty.
• 1:51
  Honesty is always the best policy. Right.
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  You need to take an evaluation of what's working for you. Okay.
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  And if they don't work for you, then I think you need to honestly tell them that.
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  Now, when I break up with someone, I'm not attacking anyone. Okay.
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  I realize that we're all on different journeys.
• 2:11
  Mm-hmm. And I think that when we're on different journeys, people are at different stages.
• 2:18
  Definitely. We have that podcast about emotional availability, right? Mm-hmm.
• 2:23
  Sometimes you're with someone for a month or two. Right. And you realize that
• 2:28
  they're not emotionally available.
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  Yeah. And you thought they would be. Yeah. But the closer you get to them, the more they pull away.
• 2:35
  Yeah. And you know what thing I cannot stand is they sprinkle.
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  Oh, the breadcrumbs. The breadcrumbs. Oh, no. Yeah, when they give you just
• 2:45
  a little bit of attention and then they pull it back or a little bit of attention.
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  So breadcrumbs are a red flag for me.
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  Oh, yeah. You are a hot, single, successful woman.
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  I'm a hot, single, successful woman. And I refuse to settle for someone that
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  gives me the minimum. No.
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  Anybody should not take. No one should. If you're in a relationship,
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  ladies, and you're not getting communicated with Bailey, I don't care if it's
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  just a text, they should be just messaging you. You are a prize.
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  That's right. And if they don't want to talk to you on a daily basis or they're
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  just giving you breadcrumbs or it just feels off, it probably is.
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  And it might be time to move on because here's the problem with dating these
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  days. There are so many people out there.
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  It is. There's so many people out there. There's a quantity of men I could date
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  every single day of the week.
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  However, the quality kind of sucks.
• 3:41
  Yeah, that's another problem. And the issue is really getting to know someone
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  is difficult when they're not really emotionally available.
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  What I'm finding more and more is that men...
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  Are not healed men are often
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  now some men are don't get me wrong but a
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  lot of times they're damaged they're damaged from previous relationships they
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  never went to therapy and then they come into a relationship with you and they
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  bring all their baggage i think they're just looking for bandages well yeah
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  but i don't want to bandage anybody up i want somebody that's whole and complete For instance,
• 4:21
  if someone's complaining a lot about their exes.
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  Oh, that's a no. That's a no because maybe they don't even want a woman.
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  They just want to prove to themselves that women are bad.
• 4:31
  Well, some men, they see themselves better if they put down on women.
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  They do. But a lot of men don't trust women.
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  And when you come into a new relationship with zero trust, that's not a relationship.
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  I think you're going to come with a new relationship. shape
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  you should not even mention about excess well people do
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  and i and i'm okay with a little bit oh but when
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  all you do is slam women and not trust what they say like when when somebody
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  doesn't trust what i say i feel insulted because integrity for me is one of
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  my big things right somebody doesn't believe my word because my word is my bond
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  then i feel insulted yes for me that's crucial to having a basic,
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  open communication relationship.
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  I see. But you are an honesty woman, though.
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  Yeah. But some men, they probably used to the lying.
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  Well, maybe they had bad experiences before, you know. Well,
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  see, here's my requirement.
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  Someone needs to be open. Mm-hmm. Someone needs to be honest.
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  Mm-hmm. And they need to be loving.
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  They got to be healed first before they met you. They have to be because I'm
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  not fixing anyone anymore.
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  Yeah, no. Open, honest, and loving ladies should be your bare minimum.
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  Yeah. That should be the bare minimum standard. And if someone can't be those
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  three things, there is no relationship.
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  Yeah. If they can't be vulnerable and open, if they can't be truthful and honest,
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  and if they can't show you the same amount of love that you give them,
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  there is no relationship.
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  I mean, they're not ready for the new relationship. It means they're not ready.
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  It means that you're working overtime to try to people-please them when they're
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  not even ready to be there.
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  And I am so sad to see the number of men that are still broken from past relationships
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  because I've seen a lot of them.
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  Is it really? I've seen a lot of them. And they're not healed.
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  Their problem is that men refuse most of the time to go to therapy and heal themselves.
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  That's another thing, too. They seem to look at something wrong with other people but themselves.
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  Yeah, I think it's a default for men. Their ego won't allow them to go inward and fix the internal.
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  They're always pointing the finger at other people. Yeah, they won't accept
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  what's wrong with them. Self-responsibility. Right.
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  You know, it's also kind of like, you know, you see these guys that think that
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  they still look like they did in high school.
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  Oh, my God, yes. And they think they can get the model and they can't because
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  they haven't worked on themselves physically.
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  And they haven't worked on themselves emotionally or mentally.
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  Maybe when they look at the mirror, they still see what they look like in high
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  school. They probably do.
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  You know? They probably do. There are guys and women that will take a man just
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  because he has money. But I think there's a deeper connection that can be had
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  when you have an emotional and mental and intelligent connection with someone.
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  Someone just look at the money, though. Some people do.
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  And they'll find somebody and they'll find a little gold digger that's looking
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  to scam them or whatnot. But it is what it is. Yeah.
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  When it's time to break up because you've met the person, they're not emotionally available,
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  they've shown you some red flags, and there are red flags that you might ignore
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  once or twice, but if you tell the person you don't like that and they keep
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  doing it, it's a sign that maybe it's time to move on.
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  So, for instance, let's say you tell someone that, you know,
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  I need to be communicated with daily.
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  If I'm in a relationship with you, I want to hear from you every day.
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  I see. And if they don't do it, and they text you maybe once every three or
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  four days, and you're in a relationship, what are you doing?
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  No, I think you should talk at least.
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  Like, you get up in the morning. Come on, you have time to just shoot a text
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  and say, good morning. Here's the thing, ladies.
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  If somebody wants you, they're not going to be able to wait to text you.
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  Right. They're going to want to talk to you every day. They're going to want
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  to talk to you all the time.
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  Yeah. So if somebody truly does desire being in a relationship with you,
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  they're going to want to communicate with you.
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  Or if they don't, and they're only communicating with you once a week or twice
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  a week, they most likely have another piece on the side.
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  Either that, yeah. They probably talk to multiple. They're probably dating multiple people. Yeah.
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  So that's typically how it is. And when that happens, they can't keep straight
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  what they told each person. And once in a while, you'll catch them in a little lie.
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  Yeah, I don't care how busy you are, right? First thing in the morning,
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  catching my husband, first thing in the morning, he opened up his calendar.
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  Checked what's the date goes on.
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  You do have time if you're dead talking to someone.
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  At that time, you have time to just shoot a text. Hey, good morning.
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  I'm up, checking my mail, checking my calendar. What's your date? How's the date goes?
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  Exactly. How long have you been with your husband?
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  We met a week after 9-11, so 20-something.
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  24 years. So you've been together for 24 years. You've been married for 18 years.
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  And your husband still talks to you every day. Every morning and every day during
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  the day, lunchtime. Multiple times during the day. He calls you. He texts you.
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  That's a relationship. On his way home. On his way home. Now,
• 9:52
  I get it when things are new.
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  You may not talk as much as they do. However, I honestly feel like you should talk more.
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  Because when you're getting to know someone, it's time to ask questions.
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  Well, I think now we talk more than we were when we first dating.
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  Because you build a life together. You have a lot to talk about.
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  Well, now you're talking about non-relationship stuff.
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  You're talking about, did you pick up the kids? Or did you get the groceries?
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  Or et cetera. But you talk about stuff.
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  Right. And when you're dating someone new, you want to know about them.
• 10:29
  Yeah. Do you know I make his lunch every day? Yeah. We don't this diet.
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  Every time after lunch, he always just, he texts me, thank you for lunch every day. There you go.
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  What a gratitude that he gives you. That's amazing. Yeah. Every day. That's loving.
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  If you're not getting the love you want in a relationship, just move on.
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  Oh, yeah. And then when they ask why, say, look, I'm not into breadcrumbs.
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  I needed more attention than that.
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  I personally, if somebody's only texting me a few times a week,
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  that's not a relationship and I don't want to have anything to do with it.
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  No, you don't. I don't want breadcrumbs. No, you're worth more than that.
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  I want somebody that's all in. And if they're not all in with me,
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  then they're not the right person.
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  God's telling me to move on to someone else. I'm telling you,
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  they're talking to multiple persons. They are talking to multiple people.
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  Or maybe they're too busy with work and they're not a priority.
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  No. So, you already know if they're too busy with work and if you are not the
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  priority, he's not the one. It's not a relationship.
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  Yeah, he's not the one. You have to be a number one priority.
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  Now, you can't tell me that he doesn't have time to talk to his kids if his
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  kids called. Yeah, right?
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  Yeah, no. Or if a friend called, they'd talk to their friends.
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  Yeah. So, what are you? Yeah, no.
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  So, we need to, as ladies, stop allowing men to use us as doormats. That's right.
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  Because it's not acceptable. No. So if it's time to break up,
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  the first thing you're going to do is decide how you're going to break up, right? Right.
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  We break up for many reasons. So we break up due to emotional neglect. Right. Or disrespect.
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  Mm-hmm. And I'm sorry if a guy's not talking to me every day,
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  I find it disrespectful.
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  I mean, how do you break up the right way? Like shooting a text,
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  a calling, or... So that's the question.
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  When you want to break up with someone, you have a choice. Now,
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  let's say you've only been dating the guy for a month. Right.
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  Okay. And most of your communication has been on text. Mm-hmm.
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  I don't believe in texting breaking up, but I will do a voice text.
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  Mm-hmm. So you could do a voice text. And the reason why I do a voice text instead
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  of just a text text, if you will, Mm-hmm. Is because you can get your emotion across.
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  From the way of your voice. From your voice. Okay. If you need to take bulleted
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  notes before you talk to them, you can do that. So at least you cover your basis.
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  Now, when you break up, don't attack the other person. Right.
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  And don't blame the other person.
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  Just tell them, this is not working for me.
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  Because I feel like I deserve more. I don't like breadcrumbs in communication style.
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  And I want someone that can be there for me. when
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  i need them right and that's what i'm looking for in
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  a relationship and this is just not fulfilling me yeah it's
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  very easy you can use that exact script if you want to
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  or maybe there's
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  some other things maybe it's i don't like the fact that
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  you have west syndrome like you have wandering eye syndrome you check out
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  other women when we're out and it just doesn't make
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  me feel good so therefore i am choosing to just
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  pull myself out of the situation i wish you the best i hope
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  you find someone that aligns with you that you can
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  find a reciprocal relationship with that matches what
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  you're looking for but it's just not going to be me that's a
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  great way it that way you're not attacking them
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  uh-huh you told them the things you didn't like but you
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  did it in a nice way right and you
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  let them know your concerns now don't go into the breakup expecting them to
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  come back and beg for you to come back when you're ready to break up with someone
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  you're stating this because it's final right and some people go into they leave their breakup message.
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  Hoping that it will knock some sense into the guy and he will come back and clean up his behavior.
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  But here's the truth, ladies, and this is the hard truth.
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  If they're not giving you the care and consideration you need now.
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  Smacking the truth into them usually doesn't fix it.
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  That's true. 99% of the time, what will happen is they will come back.
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  And if they do come back and they want to stay with you they'll text you again
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  every day for a few weeks and then it will go back to the way it was yeah the
• 14:44
  reason it goes back is maybe they're not ready for a relationship,
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  maybe they're damaged from their old relationship and they have attachment issues
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  or they're just not emotionally available to open up to you the way you need
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  them to okay or maybe they're seeing in someone else. There could be many reasons.
• 15:01
  It doesn't matter the reason, unless they're sleeping around and they give you
• 15:06
  an STD. It doesn't matter.
• 15:08
  Honestly, they could be with someone else. They could be working too much and
• 15:14
  just exhausted and they get home and they pass out.
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  They could be not emotionally available or they could just be that they are
• 15:19
  broken from a past relationship.
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  And the closer they get to you, the more they want to run away.
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  And it could be any of the above it doesn't matter
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  what matters is your cup is not
• 15:32
  getting filled up your cup is getting depleted because
• 15:35
  you're spending half the day wondering why they never reach out to you anymore
• 15:40
  you're wondering why everything seemed to be good or you spent quality time
• 15:45
  with them and then they dropped you it's not you right it's them the relationship
• 15:51
  is not a good alignment for you.
• 15:54
  It is not the fit that you want. Right.
• 15:57
  Yeah. But you're going to spend all day wondering what you did wrong.
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  No, you should not wonder what you did wrong. No, you didn't do anything wrong.
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  The only thing you did wrong was select the wrong person.
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  Yes. So it's time to move on and find the right person. And you may have to
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  go through a hundred men.
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  And that's the truth. Because it's a different world out there.
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  And the faster you can move on to the next guy, the better.
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  Because there are a few out there. Now, this is the reason why when I select
• 16:30
  men, I pre-screen them. Okay.
• 16:35
  Via text and via I just kind of get a vibe for a person and then after we've
• 16:40
  been texting for no more than a day or two I'll talk to him on the phone because
• 16:44
  I don't want to waste time.
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  With a man texting them if there is no connection so if I can talk to him on
• 16:52
  the phone and have a pretty good connection I know that there is a possibility
• 16:57
  that something could happen and then you want to,
• 17:00
  within a week or two, go on a date.
• 17:03
  Okay. So that's kind of your timeline. If you're one of those people,
• 17:07
  especially if you're on a dating app, if you're one of those people that wants
• 17:10
  to text for weeks and weeks, you're going to lose interest or they will.
• 17:14
  Yeah. It's not going to happen.
• 17:16
  So I would say text for one to two days. If they're responsive via text, that's a good sign.
• 17:23
  If they're not responsive via text, you're not going to get your cup filled up.
• 17:27
  They're not emotionally into you you're an option oh
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  or you're their backup plan because they got five or
• 17:33
  six other ladies and this is the reality the dating apps
• 17:36
  have kind of ruined dating you think so they have ruined dating because what
• 17:40
  they have done is they've shown people that there's a variety of people out
• 17:45
  there but there's a lot of quantity and very little quality they're all liars
• 17:50
  you think i don't think they're all liars what i think is that.
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  People now say to themselves, well, if this one doesn't work out,
• 17:58
  I got 15 other ones that liked me.
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  So it's not that big of a deal. When the reality is people don't realize is
• 18:05
  that one that didn't work out might have been the one because that was a special person.
• 18:10
  And you may be a special person, and I hope you are, and I bet you may be.
• 18:14
  And you're not manipulative, and you're honest, and you're open, and you're vulnerable.
• 18:18
  But that doesn't mean that they will see it. And that doesn't mean that that's
• 18:23
  what they're looking for.
• 18:24
  Because sometimes they're not looking for that sometimes they're
• 18:27
  looking for the same old that they had in
• 18:30
  their last relationship so i have
• 18:32
  a friend that she's been single for past two years
• 18:35
  now after a while she shut down all her dating apps she get tired of it and
• 18:41
  then she just go do things solo but she did it you know like she go to pickleball
• 18:46
  solo she go to concert solo and she met someone did she yeah the old-fashioned
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  way. The old-fashioned way.
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  And they're together now. They consider themselves a boyfriend and girlfriend.
• 19:00
  Yes. And I will say that some of the dating apps are just hookup sites. Yes.
• 19:06
  Not all. And some of the dating sites are just scam sites.
• 19:10
  And then you have the people that just message you on Facebook that you have
• 19:14
  no idea how they've messaged you out of the blue.
• 19:17
  And those are usually scammers too. If they don't have a friend of a friend,
• 19:20
  or if there's not like 10 or 15 friends, Why are you adding them as a friend
• 19:23
  and allowing them to message you?
• 19:25
  If they just message you out of the blue, they probably just saw that you're
• 19:27
  single and they're trying to scam you.
• 19:30
  So it's a red flag if you have no connection, especially if they're in Europe or Africa or the UK.
• 19:38
  Yeah. Yeah, no. So just remember that. Are these dating apps free?
• 19:43
  The dating apps, no. So the dating apps cost, except for Facebook dating, that one's free.
• 19:47
  Oh, okay. Yeah, so most of the dating apps cost, but they get accounts.
• 19:52
  They're not expensive, 40 bucks.
• 19:55
  And if they can scam somebody out of $1,000 one a month, they're doing pretty good.
• 19:58
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even $100 a month doing good.
• 20:01
  Yeah. You know? So don't fall for that. But if you're in a bad relationship,
• 20:06
  how do you know you're in a bad relationship?
• 20:09
  You tell me. Well, I think if I get disrespected,
• 20:13
  and I have a pretty high standard for respect, If they're not giving me back
• 20:18
  attention the way I give them, and it doesn't have to be as much,
• 20:21
  but if I text them and they don't text me until the next day,
• 20:24
  if I text them in the morning and I don't hear from them for 24 hours, I'm a little annoyed.
• 20:29
  That is not high standard. That's normal.
• 20:32
  And honestly, I get back to people as long as I'm not in a meeting or working
• 20:36
  within a couple hours. I mean, the longest I'll go is a couple hours.
• 20:39
  I think it's disrespectful for people to hold on to their texts as some type
• 20:43
  of game to manipulate other people. Yeah, no. And people do it.
• 20:47
  People do it a lot. I've seen women do it.
• 20:51
  People do it, and they do it as part of a game, and it's disrespectful.
• 20:56
  Yeah, but by this time, I mean, this day and age, there's no time to play a game.
• 21:01
  Most of the time, you know that they got your text because they're on Facebook
• 21:04
  or they're on Instagram, and you can see it. Right, you can see it.
• 21:07
  So you know they got your text. They're just screwing around with you.
• 21:09
  That's what I'm saying. And, you know, if you have an iPhone,
• 21:12
  the iPhone tells you right away when the text comes in.
• 21:14
  Yeah, and it's considered emotional neglect. I'm sorry. If they're not texting
• 21:18
  you back, it is emotional neglect. Yeah, no.
• 21:22
  And they're doing it to manipulate you. And do you really want to be with someone
• 21:26
  that's trying to manipulate you? No.
• 21:28
  Exactly. And lack of communication in general. So if you call someone and leave
• 21:33
  them a voicemail and they don't call you back.
• 21:34
  Oh, no, that's a no. I can't trust a person like that. Yeah.
• 21:38
  So trust is hard to come by.
• 21:41
  Definitely. And I will give trust to a person when I start dating them.
• 21:45
  But as soon as they violate that trust once, that's strike one.
• 21:50
  Yeah. If they violate it twice, I'm out the door.
• 21:54
  So if they're lying to me, I'm out the door. Yeah. I don't I don't put up with liars.
• 22:00
  Yeah. I think you have a lot to offer. You should keep your standard high. Oh, yes.
• 22:04
  Every woman has a lot to offer. Yeah. We should all keep our standards high.
• 22:09
  It's not just me. Everyone out here has something really huge to offer another person.
• 22:14
  You just got to own who you are and find your value in what you have to offer
• 22:19
  someone else. That's true.
• 22:21
  And don't manipulate other people. I'm a firm believer in the golden rule.
• 22:25
  So you should be treating other people the way you want to be treated.
• 22:30
  So if you're like ghosting people to try to manipulate them,
• 22:34
  that's the wrong way because you're going to get ghosted and you're going to
• 22:38
  be unhappy with the way they treat you.
• 22:41
  I agree. Here's a gut check that you can do in a relationship to determine whether it's a good fit.
• 22:49
  Is it making you anxious or is it making you happy?
• 22:53
  Now, you have to be in a certain emotional intelligence level to actually feel the gut check.
• 22:58
  But if they're all talking to you, talking to you, talking to you,
• 23:03
  and then they go for two days, that's probably going to make most people anxious, don't you think?
• 23:09
  Sometimes they might just want to play the games to try if you are anxious. Well, and I'm done.
• 23:15
  That's true. There's no game here. No, I'm at the point now,
• 23:19
  if somebody wants to play games with my emotions, they're a cruel individual.
• 23:25
  And I don't want to be with a cruel individual. You need someone to be consistent.
• 23:29
  I want consistency and I want someone to be loving like I am loving because
• 23:33
  I give care and I'm loving.
• 23:35
  And whenever anybody texts me, I'm always responding back.
• 23:40
  Yeah. so i don't disrespect other people
• 23:43
  and i expect other people not to disrespect me
• 23:46
  so that's the thing that's the thing you get what
• 23:49
  you give out right well and now i know
• 23:52
  people say you only attract what you're giving out that's not true
• 23:55
  sometimes you're gonna run into people that are
• 23:58
  not good for you and your lesson is to
• 24:01
  learn that you need to let them go you're not
• 24:05
  there for everyone you only need one you
• 24:08
  need that special one you don't need a hundred guys you
• 24:12
  need that special one that's going to treat you the way you treat them and show
• 24:16
  you that they value you just like you value them right i think that what we
• 24:22
  do when we stay in a relationship okay that is bad that is not good for us.
• 24:29
  We compromise our self-worth.
• 24:32
  Yeah, but I think some people look at themselves so low self-esteem,
• 24:38
  you know, to stay in relationship.
• 24:40
  Here's the thing. If you still have a low self-esteem, you're going to take whatever you're given.
• 24:46
  That's true. You're going to be a scavenger.
• 24:49
  You're going to say, I have such a low self-esteem.
• 24:53
  I will take the abuse because I'm so damn needy.
• 24:57
  Yeah for any attention that's true so if you are that person you should not be dating,
• 25:04
  okay you need to go fill your cup up
• 25:07
  okay learn to love yourself first because right
• 25:12
  now what you're doing if you have that low of self-esteem that
• 25:15
  you're staying with somebody that treats you so terribly is you're
• 25:18
  allowing someone to abuse you which is going
• 25:20
  to decrease your self-esteem even more some woman doesn't think mentally abused
• 25:25
  and physically abused is two different things mental abuse is big is big some
• 25:30
  woman does not think that and I heard from my own from my own ear Azula he didn't
• 25:36
  hit you you okay no that's not true yes you see that is not true.
• 25:40
  And especially emotion, I think, is worse than physically.
• 25:45
  Well, here's the thing, too. Some guys don't look at it as abuse either.
• 25:49
  See? They look at it as I'm giving her what she allows me to give her.
• 25:54
  You see? And if you allow them to give you breadcrumbs and you stay and you
• 26:00
  take it, it's going to get worse.
• 26:04
  And it doesn't get better, ladies. it's at
• 26:07
  three months you're into a relationship and you barely hear
• 26:10
  from the guy unless he wants to show up for a booty call or something like that
• 26:13
  it's only gonna get worse and then how you move on after you break up that's
• 26:18
  the easy part because when you break up and you recognize that you're breaking
• 26:23
  up because of your self-worth is valuable and you're valuable it's empowering,
• 26:29
  and when you tell them i didn't like the way you treated me i didn't like this
• 26:33
  because i feel like I'm more valuable.
• 26:35
  I deserve someone that treats me the way that I want to be treated,
• 26:39
  and I want to be treated the same way I treat them.
• 26:42
  And when you get to that point, it's empowering.
• 26:45
  You feel like your self-worth is very high, and you don't let people treat you like crap anymore.
• 26:52
  And when you get there, you know you're ready to date.
• 26:56
  It's true. It's true. And I think you've
• 26:59
  got to listen to your gut I think we as women have a huge intuition and we don't
• 27:04
  listen to it if something's telling you something's off it always is I know
• 27:08
  you have to listen to your guts so talk about guts what do you how bad it is
• 27:13
  like even the guy that give you sprinkling but every time you see him you can't,
• 27:18
  It gives you that butterfly. Well, that's just, you know, that's chemistry.
• 27:22
  He has chemistry with you, which is fine. But there can be chemistry and no emotional value.
• 27:29
  You know, you've got to remember that, too. And don't listen to your friends.
• 27:33
  Oh, no, friends is bad. Because here's what's going to happen is your friends
• 27:37
  see the two of you together out. Okay.
• 27:39
  And you guys are happy because when you're together, typically a guy will treat you well.
• 27:45
  Okay. Now, unless they're one of those wandering eye syndrome guys that's constantly
• 27:49
  checking out other women, if they're out with you and your friends in a group
• 27:53
  setting, they're going to treat you really well.
• 27:55
  So the presentation that most men make in front of other people is wonderful.
• 28:00
  Because they want to look good. Because they want to look good in front of the public.
• 28:04
  Now, maybe you come home and they're verbally abusive. Or maybe they just aren't
• 28:08
  giving you the attention you need. And then you ask your friends, what should I do?
• 28:13
  And your friends will say, oh, well, he's a catch. or he's a keeper,
• 28:17
  or they'll say, he's the one for you, or we really like him.
• 28:22
  And then what happens is a lot of people, if they have low self-worth,
• 28:26
  will say, you know what? He's a catch. He's a keeper.
• 28:29
  Right, because your friend only see you when you guys out together.
• 28:31
  They only see the external.
• 28:33
  They don't know the internal. And if they knew the internal,
• 28:36
  they would tell you to walk. Right.
• 28:38
  But they only see the external. And a lot of people put on a good mask on the
• 28:44
  external. So and some women even put on the mask to cover for the guy that's
• 28:48
  treated them like crap. That is true.
• 28:50
  That's a movie about it. So when you're ready to move on, it's not a good idea
• 28:54
  to ask your friends. Yeah.
• 28:56
  You just need to do it. You need to cut the cord. You need to move on.
• 28:59
  And you can tell them after.
• 29:00
  And then if they ask why, you can tell them the reasons why.
• 29:02
  Right. Follow your guts first.
• 29:04
  Follow your guts. Now, here's some other reasons that you might want to leave.
• 29:08
  Let's say you have different values or goals or religious beliefs.
• 29:12
  A lot of times that is a reason to leave, too.
• 29:16
  I've dated men in the past that were very complacent, that did not have a growth
• 29:21
  mindset, that were just comfortable in life, and they enjoyed being where they
• 29:26
  were, and they had no desire to improve themselves. No ambition. No ambition.
• 29:31
  I'm all about constant growth.
• 29:34
  Maybe they only contain what they have. They may be.
• 29:38
  And that's great. Uh-huh. But that doesn't match me. Oh, I see.
• 29:42
  And that's a value. It's a core value for me, actually.
• 29:45
  And your core values have to match the other person's core values.
• 29:49
  If you want to hit a certain level of, let's say you want to make $100,000 a year.
• 29:53
  Mm-hmm. And you get there and your partner gets there. Mm-hmm.
• 29:57
  And you're both content.
• 29:58
  Mm-hmm. And you don't want to make half a million dollars a year.
• 30:01
  Mm-hmm. And you have a fixed mindset.
• 30:05
  Right. And they do, too. That's a good match. And they're okay with that.
• 30:10
  That's fine because your core values match.
• 30:12
  Right. But then you have someone like me that doesn't have a limit on income.
• 30:16
  Right. I'm always wanting to improve.
• 30:19
  I'm actually okay if a guy doesn't match me on the income as long as he still
• 30:23
  has a growth mindset in other areas.
• 30:25
  But if he's complacent with his body and he's complacent with,
• 30:30
  you know, what he wants to do in life and he just wants to stay home and he
• 30:33
  doesn't want to travel and he doesn't want to work out. That's not a match. No.
• 30:38
  I have high standards. I have high goals.
• 30:42
  I think at least you have to have the same habit. Like you're always looking
• 30:45
  to improve yourself. You want to be good. You want to be good. You work out regularly.
• 30:49
  Yes. At least whoever it is, it has to be in the same framework.
• 30:53
  Well, I have just determined that one of my core values is someone has to work
• 30:56
  out a minimum of three to five times a week. Yeah.
• 30:59
  Every week. And it has to be part of their lifestyle because...
• 31:04
  I plan on living to 150 years old. Yeah, I have to be healthy.
• 31:07
  And I don't want to be alone at 125.
• 31:10
  Yeah, it's so true. I want somebody that's going to be able to keep up with
• 31:13
  me. Now, that is a core value for me.
• 31:17
  So they have to work out. They have to take care of themselves.
• 31:22
  Exactly. Yeah. Now, emotional availability is important as well.
• 31:28
  So this one, I know I've talked about this on a podcast before,
• 31:32
  that there's a lot of men out there broken that just aren't available to date.
• 31:36
  And it's like there's women out there that are broken that should be filling
• 31:39
  up their cup instead of dating.
• 31:40
  If everybody could just slow the hell down, take a look at themselves and say,
• 31:47
  why do my relationships keep failing?
• 31:51
  Yes. Because if you've been married more than twice and you keep blaming the
• 32:00
  women, Or if you keep blaming the men,
• 32:03
  you're going to keep doing the exact same thing and getting the exact same result.
• 32:09
  It's called the definition of insanity, right? Right.
• 32:11
  If you're divorced more than a couple times or you keep going from girlfriend
• 32:16
  to girlfriend to girlfriend, get into therapy.
• 32:20
  Yeah, there's such a same with the women. If you keep going from boyfriend to
• 32:25
  boyfriend to boyfriend, you seem to go with the same type of guy over and over
• 32:29
  again and you get the exact same result.
• 32:33
  Go to therapy. Yeah. Find out why. Yeah. And then start working on you and don't
• 32:38
  date. I honestly recommend you take a six month break.
• 32:41
  Minimum. Six months. Maybe a year. It depends.
• 32:45
  I think if you're not ready to date, don't go out there and screw other people up.
• 32:50
  That is so true because that's what people do took
• 32:53
  my friends go two years well yeah i mean
• 32:56
  i i've been a year and a half single and i'm
• 33:00
  okay with it yeah because the reality is
• 33:02
  i'm not going to put myself into
• 33:05
  a long-term relationship until i'm damn ready and i
• 33:08
  know the person's a fit that's awesome yeah
• 33:12
  now i've had relationships they haven't
• 33:15
  lasted very long and what happened is is
• 33:18
  when i see that there's red flags out there that repeat
• 33:22
  even though i ask for corrections and then i move
• 33:25
  on yeah i don't stick around anymore here's the thing
• 33:27
  when you're in a relationship and you're not married it's so much easier to
• 33:32
  get out once you get married ladies you're a little stuck yeah once married
• 33:37
  and oh yeah no because you're gonna bend more when you're married for their
• 33:42
  bad behaviors so if you're seeing their bad behaviors before you get married
• 33:47
  don't go get married because they're not going to get
• 33:50
  better you're not going to fix them yeah well
• 33:53
  i think being single at this age after divorce right and you'll be single you
• 33:59
  should take your time take your time make this the last time yeah the first
• 34:04
  time doesn't work and the second time you're not you don't want to go through
• 34:07
  the same i don't want to go through it again now things happen and.
• 34:11
  Who knows what could happen? I mean, somebody could pass away or whatnot,
• 34:14
  but I want this one to be my last.
• 34:17
  And here's the other thing. If you feel like you're walking on eggshells around
• 34:20
  a person because they're constantly stressed out or they're constantly angry,
• 34:25
  that's a terrible relationship. Oh, no, you don't want to do that.
• 34:28
  Remember we talked about a couple podcasts back about how when you get yelled
• 34:32
  at by a man, is that a red flag? For me, it is now. Now, it wasn't before,
• 34:37
  but if somebody's yelling at me in a relationship, I'm not marrying that man.
• 34:41
  Anybody should not yell at anybody. That's a disrespect out there.
• 34:46
  Now, I get it. People get heated in families sometimes, and sometimes they get
• 34:49
  a little loud, but it's disrespectful, and it needs to stop.
• 34:53
  No, no yelling. There's proper ways to communicate, and yelling and screaming at a person is not it.
• 34:59
  So, again, let's go back to how we break up. So, we're going to be honest,
• 35:03
  but we're going to be kind, and we're going to take...
• 35:06
  A look at ourselves in the relationship and we're going to say i
• 35:09
  don't like this i need
• 35:12
  more and it's i it's not you you you so when
• 35:15
  you break up you're saying i don't like the breadcrumbs that i've been provided
• 35:19
  i need more in a relationship and a partner and i'm looking for more and i need
• 35:25
  more but i'm gonna wish you the best of luck i hope you find exactly what you're looking for,
• 35:32
  and that you are happy and I wish you the best.
• 35:37
  And when you leave it like that, they realize that it's over.
• 35:42
  And you say you got to end it with goodbye.
• 35:45
  So don't just leave it like, I'll talk to you soon. No, you're not talking to
• 35:49
  them soon. You're going to say goodbye and I wish you the best.
• 35:51
  And leave it so that they know it's final.
• 35:55
  And you're not looking for them to come back. If you say I'll talk to you soon,
• 35:59
  that means you just want to push them to the edge? Yeah, they may think that,
• 36:03
  oh, you're going to chit chat tomorrow and now you're going to be friends.
• 36:05
  I also don't believe you should be friends with your exes for a while.
• 36:09
  I think when you break up with somebody, maybe six months or a year from now,
• 36:12
  if you run into them and you want to be friends, that's fine.
• 36:15
  But don't be friends with somebody you just broke up with because it's a slippery slope.
• 36:19
  You're going to fall right back into that relationship that didn't work for you in the past.
• 36:22
  Yeah so don't drag it out just respect their time in yours if you know it's not working.
• 36:30
  The longer you wait the less
• 36:33
  i feel like the universe will keep you closed off to potential possibilities
• 36:37
  so if you're with the wrong one no right ones come along i don't think so but
• 36:44
  as soon as you you end that the door opens up and the right people come around
• 36:48
  yeah for sure cutting off communications,
• 36:52
  I think afterwards is the best. Now, you don't have to unfriend people,
• 36:55
  You can leave them as friends. You may want to mute them so you don't see their
• 36:59
  posts for a while. You can do that? You can do that, yeah.
• 37:02
  Oh, wow. So you're not following their posts. But you don't need to unfriend
• 37:06
  them because that's kind of mean.
• 37:08
  Unless they did something really nasty to you, you don't have to unfriend them.
• 37:11
  And then just break up in a neutral space so that there's no danger.
• 37:15
  Because some people get hostile.
• 37:18
  Oh, wow. So if you're doing it face-to-face, I do it in a public place.
• 37:22
  If you're doing it over voice text or voicemail or you're calling them to break
• 37:26
  up i would not text it's kind of mean to text especially if it was more than
• 37:30
  a month but you're dating someone to text but you could do a voice message just
• 37:35
  do it in a respectful way just,
• 37:37
  break up the way that you would expect to be broken up with if i had a guy say to me.
• 37:44
  That he's looking for more and that i'm not giving him the care that he needs
• 37:52
  but he wishes me the best and hopes i find someone that gives me the care that
• 37:57
  i'm looking for okay and somebody broke up with me on a voicemail like that
• 38:01
  i would be so respectful to that person,
• 38:03
  i would be so grateful the other option is people just ghost,
• 38:09
  They disappear. The ghosts, I don't like. That is so disrespectful.
• 38:13
  Even between friends, you should not ghost anyone. I'm sorry. How old are we?
• 38:17
  That's what I'm saying. Yes or no. Are we over 25 years old? We are.
• 38:22
  So if you're over 25 years old and you're ghosting someone, you need to go back
• 38:26
  to grade school and learn respect and how to treat other people.
• 38:29
  No, even between friends, ghosting is bad.
• 38:32
  It's bad. If you're not mature enough to tell someone why you don't want this
• 38:39
  relationship, whether it's a friendship or a relationship to continue,
• 38:42
  then you shouldn't even be in friendships and relationships.
• 38:45
  You need to be mature enough to have that communication.
• 38:48
  Yeah. No. Ghosting is that. With the caveat, if they're extremely violent,
• 38:55
  you get the hell out and you secretly do it.
• 39:01
  Okay, that's the only, if they're a very violent person, then I would say yes.
• 39:06
  It's time to ghost and walk away and disappear and they won't even know where
• 39:08
  you went to. That's different. What if they know where you live?
• 39:12
  If they know where you live, then that's a difficulty. You may need to get a
• 39:14
  restraining order, right? That happened to me, actually.
• 39:17
  Yeah? Yeah, he just showed up at my, you know, visit back 25 years ago.
• 39:23
  So you broke up with him? I broke up and he just showed up at my front door.
• 39:28
  So he showed up drunk at your front door. Was he violent with you before?
• 39:31
  No, he wasn't. But he just very, very verbally abusive. Abusive. Before. Before.
• 39:39
  So you had red flags before. And you stayed because maybe you didn't have your
• 39:44
  cup filled up. Your self-esteem wasn't there yet.
• 39:47
  Yeah, that's exactly what it is. It's always us, right? Because we know that these men are bad.
• 39:53
  Yeah, exactly what it is. And you're scared to be alone. You know,
• 39:56
  little I know. As soon as I was alone.
• 39:59
  It's a hundred doors open. Yeah. I was planning to be single for a long time,
• 40:04
  not even three months later. I met my husband now.
• 40:07
  Well, yeah, but you knew what you wanted after that abusive relationship.
• 40:11
  Right, right. But the thing is, is we know when we're in an abusive relationship
• 40:15
  that it's not right. Our gut tells us.
• 40:17
  Yeah. And sometimes we stay because we're not feeling that we're enough.
• 40:23
  Mm-hmm. And when you don't feel like you're enough or no one else will love
• 40:26
  you, you got to realize you need to start loving yourself.
• 40:29
  Yeah. And you need to love yourself enough to walk away. So even a verbally
• 40:32
  abusive relationship, you should get out of.
• 40:35
  Because what will happen is eventually you're going to yell back.
• 40:38
  And that's not good for your psyche.
• 40:40
  And a verbally abusive relationship a lot of times will turn to physical abuse.
• 40:45
  We know now because we're older. When you were young, you don't know.
• 40:49
  Yeah, but you know, there's women our age still in these relationships.
• 40:52
  Is there really? Oh, yes.
• 40:53
  And they still don't know how to get out of these relationships.
• 40:56
  And I know this is still going on because I've had men ghost me that should
• 41:01
  have just told me they found someone else.
• 41:04
  I mean, especially on the dating apps, why would you ghost someone you've been
• 41:06
  talking to for like two months and going on dates with? Why would you ghost them?
• 41:12
  That's just crazy. Or maybe you're just a weekend and you haven't even gone
• 41:16
  on a date yet and they ghost you too.
• 41:19
  That's not mature either. So I know that there are a lot of immature men and
• 41:25
  a lot of immature women out there that don't know how to treat other people.
• 41:28
  Even at this age. Even at this age. And it's just disrespectful. Oh, no.
• 41:33
  Now, you may have to, if it's a situation like Diva Khat had,
• 41:37
  you may have to delete them.
• 41:39
  You may have to block them on social media. And you may have to get a restraining order.
• 41:43
  Do not fall into, let's talk one last time. Yeah. Oh, no. Because that's a booty call.
• 41:50
  And as soon as you fall into bed with them again,
• 41:52
  It's going to perpetuate getting back together.
• 41:56
  And that's not what you really want. If you're prepared to break up with somebody, just let it go.
• 42:01
  Let the past be the past and move on.
• 42:04
  And then you can start working on yourself and rediscovering who you are and
• 42:08
  what you want. And try to journal through all this.
• 42:11
  I'm a firm believer in journaling. And it's not just so you can look back at
• 42:15
  it later. It's so you can get your thoughts out of your head.
• 42:19
  And when you get the thoughts out of your head, you can say, oh my gosh I
• 42:22
  should have done this a long time ago yes oh god
• 42:25
  yes yes and once you do that you're like
• 42:28
  wow now I feel empowered and that
• 42:31
  empowerment will take you far it really
• 42:34
  will so now that
• 42:37
  you've broken up with the relationship and let's say you're
• 42:40
  like diva Khat you found somebody and you
• 42:43
  fall in love and you get married and maybe you
• 42:46
  got married too fast who knows but like my father in 14
• 42:49
  days but let's say that let's say
• 42:52
  that you're married and you've been together for a while it could
• 42:54
  be that you've been together for a decade it could be to get been together for
• 42:57
  six months i don't know it happened to my cousin two weeks two weeks hanging
• 43:02
  out two weeks no two weeks after broken up with the first boyfriend two weeks
• 43:08
  met another guy i think like two days they went on two dates and like 14 days later he proposed.
• 43:16
  All of us thought like he needs a paper to stay here, but he's not.
• 43:23
  And they didn't get pregnant, so it wasn't that either. No, they got pregnant
• 43:26
  and they've been together for 35 years now. Well, see, that happens.
• 43:29
  See? And sometimes people just know.
• 43:32
  Yeah, you just know, I guess. I don't know. You know, I've had that feeling
• 43:36
  about people before too that some there's just some type of connection there
• 43:40
  but let's say you've been married and.
• 43:44
  You think it might be time to leave a marriage now a marriage is more
• 43:47
  difficult because when you get married you say
• 43:50
  a vow to happen to hold till in sickness and health till death do you part now
• 43:55
  that means that you're going to put up with their crap a lot of their crap and
• 44:01
  you're going to try to grow together now this is also where it's important that
• 44:04
  you make sure you find somebody with similar core values and a similar belief system.
• 44:09
  It doesn't have to be the same religion, but you have to be open to their belief
• 44:13
  system and their values.
• 44:15
  And I think when we're younger, we don't really know what the other person's
• 44:21
  core values are because they don't know yet.
• 44:23
  But as you get older, you grow into who you are and your core values really
• 44:28
  become Like, for instance, my ex-husband was not a growth mindset person.
• 44:34
  He was happy just getting by every month. And he was happy just existing. And I...
• 44:42
  We butted heads a little bit because I always wanted to do more.
• 44:45
  And I always wanted to grow into more. And I always wanted to achieve more. It's just who I am.
• 44:50
  Because I'm never satisfied with where I'm at. I always want to grow and learn
• 44:55
  and do and experience. It's like I thrive on new things and change.
• 45:02
  And he doesn't. He wants consistency.
• 45:06
  And I'm the opposite. Well, the issue was I thought he was growth mindset when we married.
• 45:12
  Well, but it's fine as long as he supported you, though. No, he tried to stop me. See?
• 45:17
  So a core value is to make sure it's better when they have a growth mindset, too.
• 45:23
  Right. So that may be part of the reason why people grow apart.
• 45:27
  But then what may also happen is they might betray you. They might have an affair.
• 45:32
  Oh. And it usually stems from something else. Like you're not meshing with core values.
• 45:38
  Like my core values, you don't cheat on your partner.
• 45:41
  Right. and some women don't have that core value but their husbands do have
• 45:46
  the core value that you don't cheat and i will say that it's a core value because
• 45:51
  there are people and the reason why we say once a cheater always a cheater is
• 45:55
  because their core value allows them to cheat.
• 45:58
  Whereas my core value would not allow me to ever cheat and at anything i mean
• 46:04
  i don't even cheat on tests.
• 46:06
  I never, when I, one time I realized that my kid walked out of the store with
• 46:11
  a pack of gum and we went back inside and paid for it. That's just who I am.
• 46:16
  So it's just a different core value. It's a different code of ethics.
• 46:20
  It's a different mindset.
• 46:21
  And that to me, you need to find out before you marry someone.
• 46:27
  Definitely. Because if you don't have that one piece and you find out that they
• 46:32
  cheated on their spouse and you're going to marry that person, good luck.
• 46:37
  Because once a cheater, always a cheater. Now, you may have the core value that cheating is okay, too.
• 46:42
  Or maybe you're swingers. Who knows? Who knows? There's a lot of swingers out
• 46:45
  there. There are a lot of swingers out there.
• 46:46
  So maybe you find another person that has the core value of being a swinger
• 46:50
  and you guys are happy together. Good for you.
• 46:52
  I won't marry a man that's cheated on their spouse ever. Yeah.
• 46:58
  I don't want to cheat on you because they will cheat on me. It's just who they
• 47:01
  are. It's part of their core values. And nothing I can do will change that. Right.
• 47:05
  I don't care how good of a wife I am. If their core values is cheating is OK,
• 47:10
  then cheating is OK and they will do that.
• 47:13
  The other thing is that sometimes you will get chronic abuse.
• 47:17
  Chronic abuse. Chronic abuse means that it's happening consistently.
• 47:21
  So it may not be every day, but maybe once or twice a week they come home and
• 47:25
  they're just infuriated and they take it out on you. It could be just verbal.
• 47:29
  It could be emotional. It could be physical. It could be financial. I see.
• 47:33
  It could be a person that every time they get a paycheck, they spend it all,
• 47:38
  and there's nothing left.
• 47:40
  That's financial abuse to the family.
• 47:43
  You've got to take care of family first. You've got to take care of the family,
• 47:46
  and that goes both ways, ladies.
• 47:48
  Don't go buy that handbag when you know you can't afford it.
• 47:50
  You've got to take care of the family, and you're going to have to budget. You're a couple now.
• 47:53
  Yeah. You two are now one. okay so you have to make sure that you're not abusing
• 47:58
  your finances or your emotions or you know physically abusing somebody i just
• 48:03
  think if you cannot be honest about your financial that's,
• 48:06
  between husband and wife. Yes. Well, and one of the big things that you see
• 48:12
  on divorces is that there's irreconcilable differences. You've seen that, right?
• 48:17
  We have irreconcilable differences. Well, you know what that is.
• 48:21
  It's a different in core values. Yes. Your core values didn't match.
• 48:25
  And therefore, you now have irreconcilable differences. And a lot of times people
• 48:29
  say that when the other spouse cheats too. So people will say that too.
• 48:33
  So make sure that if you're in a harmful situation you get out because there
• 48:38
  are times i've seen it so many times and i've seen it lately where women actually
• 48:42
  kill the men but most of the time it's men killing the women,
• 48:46
  really is it on the news the most am i missing something now just typically
• 48:50
  the most dangerous the most dangerous person to a woman is actually her spouse
• 48:56
  women are killed more from spouses,
• 48:59
  than from other people you know that right there's statistics on i just saw
• 49:03
  this podcast on it Oh, wow.
• 49:05
  The most dangerous person to women is their spouse.
• 49:08
  So if you have a violent spouse, you're more likely to die at his hands from murder.
• 49:14
  That's why they always blame the husband. Right. The husband is always the first
• 49:18
  subject. The husband is the first subject because you're more likely to die
• 49:21
  at the hands of your husband than someone else. For sure.
• 49:26
  So we get murdered at a higher rate from our spouses than anyone else.
• 49:29
  So you just have to make sure you're not with a violent person.
• 49:32
  And that's a core value, too.
• 49:35
  Oh, wow. And you should know that before you get married.
• 49:38
  If he hits you once, even once before you got married, it's not going to get
• 49:43
  better when you get married. I'm sorry, ladies.
• 49:45
  If they're putting holes in
• 49:47
  walls with their fist and they're not hitting you, you know what that is?
• 49:52
  Next one's going to be you. That's a threat for violence towards you.
• 49:55
  Yeah. And it's manipulative and it's controlling.
• 49:58
  And you shouldn't be in that relationship either.
• 50:01
  Wow. If a man is not emotionally regulating his personality,
• 50:05
  he's not a man. He's a boy. Yeah.
• 50:08
  And he is going to cause harm. Mm-hmm.
• 50:12
  So here's the process. So getting divorced is different than breaking up.
• 50:18
  Breaking up can be a phone call, can be a meeting public, or it can be a voice text.
• 50:23
  But when you want to get divorced, it's a whole other process.
• 50:27
  You need to start emotionally detaching before you leave physically.
• 50:32
  Okay, you need to say, okay, I'm in this relationship. Mm-hmm.
• 50:37
  I'm not getting my needs met or they're emotionally abusing me or physically abusing me.
• 50:44
  And I need to start detaching from this marriage.
• 50:46
  And so mentally, you need to start to detach first.
• 50:50
  Okay. Before you physically leave.
• 50:52
  And you need to prep because most likely your finances are combined.
• 50:57
  You may have a prenup. You may not. But you need to prep for when you're going to leave.
• 51:03
  You're going to need to make copies of documents.
• 51:07
  You're going to need to make copies of bank accounts. You're going to need to
• 51:09
  make copies of deeds of any assets that you have together. And you're going to want to do it quietly.
• 51:16
  And now this can be for men, too. If you're leaving because maybe they've had
• 51:20
  an affair and you're mentally getting ready to check out, you should make copies.
• 51:23
  Do not, and I repeat, do not go and change bank account passwords like my ex-husband did. It's illegal.
• 51:30
  You're not to eliminate assets that are joint and try to take them.
• 51:34
  You can't do that. so don't do
• 51:37
  that and then the earlier possible get
• 51:40
  financial advice and get legal advice the
• 51:43
  faster you can get to an attorney the better now i am
• 51:46
  writing a book on divorcing quickly and that will be out to help you get divorced
• 51:51
  as quickly as possible because a lot the faster you get out of a divorce when
• 51:54
  you know you're ready to go it's a cheaper way it's cheaper and it's better
• 51:59
  mentally and emotionally and financially because the attorneys don't make as much either so So,
• 52:05
  but you're going to need to create an exit plan and the exit plan,
• 52:09
  depending on what type of abuse or if it's, if there's no abuse and you're just
• 52:13
  done, that's different.
• 52:15
  But if there's abuse, you need to figure out where you're going to go live.
• 52:18
  And I would recommend that you go to someone that can help you,
• 52:22
  whether it's a friend or a family member that can support you and help you and keep you safe. Okay.
• 52:26
  Temporarily until you get on your feet. I see. And a lot of times women don't
• 52:31
  leave because they don't have money.
• 52:34
  Financial dependence that women have on their spouses, because maybe they were
• 52:39
  the stay-at-home mom and they don't work anymore, or maybe whatever happened
• 52:44
  and maybe they don't make as much, so they can't even afford to live.
• 52:47
  Maybe they make, you know, 25% of what their spouse makes.
• 52:50
  A lot of times women stay in bad relationships because of finances.
• 52:54
  And they're afraid to leave because they don't have any money on their own.
• 52:59
  That's why you have to mentally prepare for this. I think 90%.
• 53:03
  Yes, I would say that's the reason why women stay in relationships is because
• 53:06
  of this. You have to mentally and you have to create your exit plan.
• 53:09
  And there's always ways to get out if you need to.
• 53:13
  Don't let money stop you from getting out. There's support groups out there.
• 53:18
  There are people that will help you get out.
• 53:20
  There's organizations that will help you move in bad physical violence situations.
• 53:26
  There's women protecting women. There's different clubs.
• 53:29
  There's organizations. there's places you can go live if it's
• 53:33
  a bad situation do not sacrifice you because
• 53:36
  if it's a violent situation it could lead to homicide oh
• 53:40
  wow yes if it's a violent situation it could
• 53:43
  be bad and so you need to get out quicker and you need to get out quietly yeah
• 53:48
  that's scary and this may be and i know i'm talking about marriage but it could
• 53:53
  also be just a long relationship it's also about breaking up too what if the
• 53:57
  guy is violent with you when you're dating them. Yes.
• 54:02
  It's the same process. Yes. The other process I went through is when they're not crazy violent.
• 54:07
  But if they're crazy violent, then yeah, you need to go through this process too.
• 54:11
  Wow. And then you need to prepare your emotional status because you're going
• 54:16
  to have to grieve your marriage.
• 54:18
  And a lot of women wrap their identity up in their marriage.
• 54:22
  And when they come out of their marriage, they don't have an identity.
• 54:26
  And this is whether it's abusive or not abusive.
• 54:29
  They just lose their identity because they wrap so much of the who they are into their marriage.
• 54:34
  So whatever you guys were, you were a couple, you were one.
• 54:38
  And then when you split, half of your identity is gone.
• 54:42
  And it's rough for people, especially if you really cared for the other person
• 54:47
  and maybe it wasn't violent, it's just not a good fit.
• 54:50
  You lose part of your identity. And so you're going to have to figure out your purpose again,
• 54:55
  which is why we have the podcast on purpose and re-identify
• 54:59
  who you are what you want in life and rediscover
• 55:02
  yourself and that's part of the grieving process and it's going to be a grieving
• 55:08
  process you're going to go through as almost divorce is just like death of a
• 55:13
  partner or a child it's going to hurt deep especially if you deeply cared about
• 55:18
  the person so just realize it might take some time.
• 55:23
  And you might feel guilty.
• 55:26
  The guilt that's killing you. Especially if they're children. Yeah.
• 55:30
  You might feel guilty that either A, you stayed too long and maybe your children got abused. Right.
• 55:36
  And if not, you may feel guilty that you're leaving when it looked like from
• 55:40
  the outside you had a perfect home.
• 55:41
  And you may feel guilt because the family says, why are you leaving?
• 55:46
  I thought you were happy.
• 55:47
  I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. Yes.
• 55:50
  I can't believe you and your ex got divorced because I thought you guys were happy.
• 55:54
  Yeah. so you could be together for that long you have the same
• 55:57
  group of friends you have the same group of friends friends are going
• 56:00
  to have to pick yeah and it may be that
• 56:03
  the family still likes you
• 56:05
  more than they like the ex even though
• 56:09
  they're his family that is so true and it
• 56:12
  happens so just realize there's going
• 56:15
  to be some guilt there's going to be some uncomfortable situations and you
• 56:18
  need to find a good support system you're going to want to
• 56:21
  find your great friends and i recommend having a
• 56:24
  cocoon of friends that are small so three
• 56:27
  to five friends that will not judge yeah
• 56:30
  keep yourself that small that will support you
• 56:34
  and will not blame you
• 56:37
  for anything if that happens it's going to be rough and
• 56:40
  i had a small group of friends and it's funny because they
• 56:43
  weren't my normal group of friends my normal some
• 56:46
  of my normal group of friends i lost during the divorce really
• 56:49
  yes because they did not support me and so
• 56:53
  they didn't agree of your divorce is that what it is well
• 56:56
  they just one of them was like why can't you
• 56:59
  get over it oh diva mia it's been months and
• 57:02
  i was like dude yeah no breathe i mean she this person was divorced for like
• 57:07
  eight years and she's like well i'm over mine i'm like yeah it's been eight
• 57:10
  years for you it's been like three or four months for me and i was like wow
• 57:13
  yeah so sometimes you lose friends like that or Or you're not as close and they
• 57:17
  now become acquaintances instead of friends.
• 57:20
  Keep a circle small and only the people that are true friends and they will
• 57:24
  show themselves, believe me, because they will be the ones that support you.
• 57:28
  And you might want to join a support group.
• 57:30
  You might. And you might want to go to therapy. And you might want to get a divorce coach.
• 57:36
  So when you go through a divorce, you're breathing, right? But you also want
• 57:40
  to self-reflect on what could I have done differently in my relationship to
• 57:44
  make it better for me and better for them.
• 57:46
  And I believe you really need to self-reflect a lot. So therapy is going to
• 57:50
  have you look from where you are through your marriage all the way back to your childhood.
• 57:54
  That's what therapy does. And then therapy tries to improve who you are now
• 57:58
  so that you can grow into a better year. you.
• 58:01
  Divorce coaching says this is where you're at. What can we do to make you your best person?
• 58:08
  And divorce coaching is paramount with therapy because divorce therapy goes
• 58:15
  to the past to the now and coaching takes from the now to the future.
• 58:19
  And it helps you goal set and it helps you visualize your future and it helps
• 58:23
  you realize that it's not the end.
• 58:25
  And divorce coaching, if you really want to thrive after a divorce is a necessity.
• 58:31
  It is not an option. It is a necessity. So if you are a professional woman and
• 58:37
  you want to recover as quickly as you possibly can, divorce coaching is a requirement.
• 58:43
  Those are my two main requirements. If you don't have both of those,
• 58:47
  therapy is not enough, ladies, because people get stuck in therapy because then
• 58:51
  they just constantly think about their past.
• 58:53
  They constantly think about what they've done wrong. They constantly think of
• 58:56
  how they need to improve.
• 58:57
  And then they get into therapy speak and they talk about, oh,
• 59:01
  I was traumatized and I'm stuck and I don't align with that person.
• 59:05
  And, oh, I have a different attachment. It's like enough.
• 59:09
  Oh, they were a narcissist. Whatever. They were. Okay. It's over.
• 59:14
  Now, what are you going to do about it? And coaching will take you from where
• 59:17
  you are now to where you need to go.
• 59:19
  I see. Now they have divorce coaching for three months.
• 59:22
  They have divorce coaching for a year. it's not super cheap but
• 59:26
  if you're a professional woman you should be able to accord it yeah
• 59:29
  and it's it's great investment in you
• 59:32
  that's another thing not everybody could afford
• 59:35
  the therapy and then one of my big things is because i'm a very big spiritual
• 59:41
  and i'm a big empath and i feel people's energy and i went through an energy
• 59:47
  healer energy healer to me was paramount okay Because I was blocked.
• 59:55
  And a little broken, as we've talked about before.
• 59:58
  I mean, sexually broken, physically broken, mentally broken,
• 1:00:01
  emotionally broken, financially broken. I was broken. I was a mess.
• 1:00:06
  And the energy healer, basically it's Reiki. A lot of people have done Reiki
• 1:00:10
  massage. They do Reiki and they do other things.
• 1:00:13
  And they just help you release the pain.
• 1:00:17
  You know, there's a book that's like the issues in your tissues.
• 1:00:20
  There's like an emotional healing book. and we internalize the pain into our
• 1:00:24
  bodies and they help you release it.
• 1:00:27
  So I highly recommend energy healing as well. And then I also went to some spiritual retreats.
• 1:00:33
  Oh, wow. So I went to a place called Miraval and they have meditation and therapy
• 1:00:41
  and you work out a lot and you get into nature. I love getting into nature.
• 1:00:45
  I love walking a lot too. Walking is so therapeutic when you get divorced.
• 1:00:50
  So Mirabal was a great part of my healing as well.
• 1:00:54
  And so people say, gosh, Maria, you healed in like six to nine months.
• 1:00:57
  How did you do it so quick? And I go, well, because I hit it hard right away.
• 1:01:03
  I knew and I saw people get stuck. I talked to a woman that for six years, she was so bitter.
• 1:01:10
  She was still blaming her ex-husband for everything. He left her for a younger
• 1:01:14
  woman, which, you know, it happens.
• 1:01:17
  Mine left me for a way older woman. It happens.
• 1:01:21
  Anyway, so it happens. And she was six years.
• 1:01:28
  She never dated anyone. Oh, she hated her ex-husband.
• 1:01:34
  For me, my ex-husband, I don't have any emotion one way or another now, but she hated him.
• 1:01:40
  And I see this in men too. They'll tell me how much they hate their exes.
• 1:01:44
  When you say you hate your ex, your ex has control over you.
• 1:01:49
  I see that. Now there's, I'm not saying you have to.
• 1:01:53
  Forgive their behavior but you
• 1:01:56
  have to let it go and forgiveness is
• 1:02:00
  you know i think you should forgive it because
• 1:02:03
  most likely if you can let it go you'll get to a place that
• 1:02:06
  you're better off than you were ever with them but nonetheless if you can just
• 1:02:11
  let it go it's good but six years never dated anyone and then she told me how
• 1:02:17
  all the men only want younger women and i'm like well I don't know what you're
• 1:02:21
  talking about because I've had like four dates in the last month.
• 1:02:24
  Right? And all the men were right around my age.
• 1:02:27
  And she got so mad that we haven't talked since because I did not play into
• 1:02:34
  her victimhood mentality and her stuckness. And I feel bad for her.
• 1:02:39
  She still be playing herself as a victim. I cannot associate with people that
• 1:02:43
  are victims because they will suck you into their abyss. So she is a victim.
• 1:02:48
  She will always be a victim. She will probably die alone. She will probably
• 1:02:51
  never date because she got stuck. So don't get stuck.
• 1:02:55
  You need to be healed within 12 to 24 months. She doesn't think to like get
• 1:02:59
  out there to get help? No.
• 1:03:02
  And that's men don't either. A lot of men. And then what happens is if they
• 1:03:06
  do get out there into another relationship and they never healed,
• 1:03:10
  they're going to bring all that junk into the new relationship.
• 1:03:13
  They're going to blame you for the stuff that happened in their previous relationships.
• 1:03:17
  They're going to assume that you're going to do the same thing that their exes did.
• 1:03:22
  So if you go to the grocery store and you take an extra 30 minutes and their
• 1:03:25
  ex went to the grocery store and actually didn't go to the grocery store and
• 1:03:28
  cheated, they're going to assume you were cheating on them.
• 1:03:32
  And they're going to get mad and they're going to try to come find you.
• 1:03:36
  But, you know, you were just shopping for flowers and maybe you went and got some shoes.
• 1:03:40
  You weren't cheating, but they're going to think you did. So they bring all
• 1:03:44
  that drama and all that into the future relationship because they didn't realize
• 1:03:49
  that, you know what, not everybody's the same person.
• 1:03:52
  And they'd bring it with them. And she's bringing her drama from her ex and
• 1:03:57
  telling me that all men, is what she said, all men just want younger women.
• 1:04:01
  No, not all. No, and I dated younger men. Yeah.
• 1:04:05
  So. You know, it's a thing now, older women and younger women.
• 1:04:08
  I know, it's a big thing. Yeah, it's a big thing. And I think I know why.
• 1:04:12
  Why? Because when we get older, we're more aware sexually.
• 1:04:16
  Yeah. And men are, younger men are into that. And a lot of the younger women
• 1:04:20
  don't know what they're doing and they're not aware.
• 1:04:23
  I'm telling you, two of my nephews dating a woman who five years older than
• 1:04:28
  they are. Yeah, I've seen a lot of five to ten years.
• 1:04:31
  Yeah. I haven't seen a lot of 20 years. Yeah. But you never know.
• 1:04:35
  So, but she is not, back to this woman, she's not going to find what she's looking
• 1:04:40
  for. And she wants to be miserable.
• 1:04:43
  She's comfortably miserable in her victimhood. She does her choice,
• 1:04:46
  though. And she wants everybody, it is her choice. Yeah. But they get stuck.
• 1:04:49
  And if you take six years to heal you're stuck
• 1:04:53
  and you won't get out of it well maybe
• 1:04:56
  too in your eyes do you think she's stuck but in her eyes
• 1:04:59
  she doesn't think she's stuck no in her eyes she just wants to blame everyone
• 1:05:03
  else for her problems right and you can't do that so let's talk about truly
• 1:05:08
  moving on so once you've gotten divorced if you can now if there are children
• 1:05:14
  involved you can't do this but the first thing you need to do is go no contact,
• 1:05:18
  So if you get divorced, you should not be hanging out with your ex.
• 1:05:21
  Oh, no. No, you got to go no contact. And if you have to because you have children
• 1:05:26
  and you're co-parenting, just limit the contact.
• 1:05:30
  Especially if the other partner cheated, it's going to just keep the wound open.
• 1:05:34
  So the less you have to see of them, the better.
• 1:05:37
  And it takes a big person to befriend an ex after they cheated.
• 1:05:44
  It really does. It takes a special kind of person to be able to be friends with
• 1:05:47
  an ex, like friend friends with an ex after they cheated.
• 1:05:51
  I'm I don't think I'm there yet.
• 1:05:53
  I think I'm OK. I mean, I don't throw a fit when I see my ex,
• 1:05:57
  but I'm not besties and I don't plan on being ever because for me,
• 1:06:02
  I can forgive. I just will never forget.
• 1:06:06
  And when somebody disrespects me like that, I don't want to be a friend with them.
• 1:06:09
  If they were a friend of mine and let's
• 1:06:13
  say it's just a girlfriend and then i find out that girlfriend is
• 1:06:16
  cheating on her husband i don't want
• 1:06:19
  to be friends with that girlfriend i don't like friends that cheat on their
• 1:06:23
  spouses and i know this may be a standard that some people say well maria it's
• 1:06:28
  not your husband that you know she's cheating on i don't care because and this
• 1:06:34
  may be a little snooty and I apologize and you want to cancel when you can.
• 1:06:37
  I don't trust people that cheat.
• 1:06:40
  No, I don't think that they will do the right thing when it comes to it.
• 1:06:45
  I don't think that they will be a good friend when I need them to be.
• 1:06:50
  So if they're cheating on the spouse, the person that they vowed to love and
• 1:06:54
  honor in sickness and in health, and it's a friend of mine,
• 1:06:59
  and then they cheat on them and they expect me to be, I can't do it.
• 1:07:05
  My core value is I don't trust liars and I don't trust cheaters because I'm
• 1:07:11
  not a liar and I'm not a cheater.
• 1:07:13
  So if that's that who they are. Okay. I just let them go.
• 1:07:17
  Yeah. Why not? So that's a core value. So you go in on contact and you can go
• 1:07:21
  in on contact with friends as well.
• 1:07:23
  And then start rebuilding your identity. And this is how you do it.
• 1:07:27
  You journal and you write down who
• 1:07:30
  you are and then you make a list of who
• 1:07:33
  you want to be okay and the things you like and
• 1:07:36
  what you want to have and what you want to do and what you want to
• 1:07:39
  be and you write those things down over and over again and you say and you work
• 1:07:45
  on one thing a month every so every month maybe you say i want to be 25 pounds
• 1:07:50
  lighter so you're going to say i want to weigh 125 pounds so you create a checklist
• 1:07:54
  Or I weigh 125 pounds. I have a fit body.
• 1:07:59
  I'm a healthy, active person. And I love my life. And then the next day you
• 1:08:05
  write the same thing over and over again.
• 1:08:08
  I'm 125 pounds. I have a fit and active body.
• 1:08:12
  I love my life. And you keep doing it every day until it happens. And it will.
• 1:08:18
  And if you just do that for 30 days straight and you see from where you were
• 1:08:22
  at the beginning, write down your weight at the beginning, write down your joy
• 1:08:25
  level, write down how much you've exercised and you just every day.
• 1:08:29
  And then you keep track of what you're doing. You're going to change your mindset.
• 1:08:33
  You're going to change your paradigm and you're going to shift into the new
• 1:08:36
  you and you're going to find your new identity.
• 1:08:39
  And that's how simple it is. It's not hard.
• 1:08:42
  I see. And that journal is so important. I can't tell you how important it is.
• 1:08:46
  And the only thing you're going to do is you're going to look back at the beginning.
• 1:08:49
  You're not going to look back at all the days, but you're going to take notes
• 1:08:51
  every single day and say what you did, what you accomplished,
• 1:08:54
  what you're grateful for. Gratitude is huge.
• 1:08:58
  And you're going to be authentic with yourself. Because if you say,
• 1:09:02
  today I only ate 1,200 calories and you ate 3,000, that's not being authentic and true to yourself.
• 1:09:07
  You have to be true and authentic to yourself. and today I
• 1:09:10
  worked out for two hours and you did and today I felt
• 1:09:13
  great about working out and then tomorrow I didn't feel good when
• 1:09:16
  I worked out that's okay you still did it that's a
• 1:09:19
  win and every day in 30 days you
• 1:09:22
  may not be 20 pounds lighter but you might be eight or
• 1:09:26
  ten I see and you got halfway there and
• 1:09:29
  then do it for another 30 days so just remember you
• 1:09:33
  know that's part of rebuilding who you are and then
• 1:09:36
  you have to rebuild who you are without them and i believe dancing alone in
• 1:09:40
  the house is really good to give you like it just releases so much stress and
• 1:09:45
  anxiety as well as not dating right away if you can rebuild who you are without them.
• 1:09:54
  Finding your value in another man is
• 1:09:57
  not the way to go when you're trying to find yourself i see
• 1:09:59
  you got to find value in yourself first and then
• 1:10:03
  you can rediscover any passions reconnect with friends i've
• 1:10:06
  been reconnecting a lot with friends from high school and college which
• 1:10:09
  has been fun that's awesome and it's great
• 1:10:13
  because i i connected with people i didn't talk
• 1:10:16
  to because i was in a marriage that just took all my energy and focus and now
• 1:10:21
  i have energy and focus to give to other people and open up to other people
• 1:10:24
  and you're gonna cry really oh i cried a lot oh yeah i cried there were days
• 1:10:31
  where i cried and i could not stop crying,
• 1:10:34
  And I'm not a crier. I know, that's what I'm saying.
• 1:10:37
  And I actually called my therapist one time and I said, I can't stop crying.
• 1:10:41
  It won't stop. It won't turn off.
• 1:10:43
  I go no matter what I do. So I went to my energy healer and she helped me regulate my nervous system.
• 1:10:49
  And then the next day I was okay.
• 1:10:52
  But you're going to journal. You're going to cry. You're going to heal. You're going to repeat.
• 1:10:56
  You're going to journal. You're going to cry. You're going to heal.
• 1:10:58
  You're going to repeat. And each week it gets a little better.
• 1:11:02
  And the crying is okay. You got to let it out. Right.
• 1:11:05
  I highly recommend it. I had a nervous system meltdown. I'm sorry.
• 1:11:10
  I was, you know, 28 years is a long time to spend with one person.
• 1:11:14
  That's, you know, over half my life. So crying happens.
• 1:11:18
  That's awesome. But it's part of healing. But it's part of the healing. It's part of healing.
• 1:11:22
  So again, I think forgiveness is huge. And then if you can get a good schedule
• 1:11:27
  together and work on your self-care and glam up or glow up or level up,
• 1:11:33
  however you want to call it.
• 1:11:35
  You're going to feel better about yourself and you're going to become who you really want to be.
• 1:11:40
  And then your cup is full and you can pour over into other people.
• 1:11:45
  Then you feel better. You look better. You feel better. You look better.
• 1:11:49
  Create good goals. Make them happen. And do goals that you can achieve.
• 1:11:53
  Because every single win, and here's the thing, every goal is possible.
• 1:11:58
  Push yourself. Don't give a little tiny goal so you can mark it off your list.
• 1:12:01
  Push yourself and hit those goals. and then you're going
• 1:12:04
  to realize that you're worth it and your word
• 1:12:07
  is your bond and what you say you're going to do happens and
• 1:12:11
  it's just so empowering and it's going to
• 1:12:13
  fill up your cup as well just remember i think this is kind of we're going to
• 1:12:18
  wrap it up but you're it's not a failure to leave in marriage divorce for women
• 1:12:24
  seems we seem to take it as a failure but men they're congratulated women it's
• 1:12:28
  like you failed i mean i remember getting a message on social media Yeah.
• 1:12:33
  That said i don't remember
• 1:12:36
  what it was exactly something to the fact that well you
• 1:12:39
  can't be that successful you can't even keep a man are
• 1:12:42
  you serious this was right after i got divorced and it
• 1:12:46
  was some asshole guy it was why it's always
• 1:12:49
  like that for the men is for the women we're
• 1:12:52
  a loser yeah for the women we can't keep a
• 1:12:55
  man for the men it's like oh you got rid of that woman
• 1:12:59
  or whatever and i'm sorry whatever yeah
• 1:13:02
  uh it's you're not a failure it's
• 1:13:05
  just not a good fit and even if they're.
• 1:13:08
  A narcissist i don't know i don't fit well with narcissists right
• 1:13:11
  i mean it wasn't a good fit we grew in different places so
• 1:13:15
  it's just not a good fit and i've moved on i don't
• 1:13:17
  look back right look at it as a blank page look at
• 1:13:21
  it as a blank page you got a new chapter of your book to write you've got a
• 1:13:23
  new adventure you can achieve life is beautiful
• 1:13:27
  life is joyous and it can be fun and it
• 1:13:29
  should be at any day and any age at
• 1:13:32
  any day they're too old to get up
• 1:13:35
  no no you're never too old and
• 1:13:38
  you know you can start a company at 50 you can start a company
• 1:13:41
  at 60 yeah didn't carl sanders
• 1:13:44
  kfc kfc didn't
• 1:13:48
  kfc start when he was like in his 60 late
• 1:13:51
  60s or early 70s so you can do
• 1:13:53
  anything you want and the reality is you might live to 125 or
• 1:13:57
  150 so you better get started because we got a lot of
• 1:13:59
  stuff to do ladies gotta get healthy that's all
• 1:14:02
  it is so remember if you're struggling go see a therapist if you want you can
• 1:14:08
  dm us and message us and let us know if you need help we're here for you we
• 1:14:14
  really are because i know it's it's challenging when you go through a breakup
• 1:14:17
  no matter what so just don't stay in a toxic relationship just to,
• 1:14:23
  feel like somebody wants you because that's not good either no not good.
• 1:14:28
  So hopefully this helped a little bit.
• 1:14:30
  And if you have to go through a breakup, you know how to handle it.
• 1:14:34
  And I wish you the very best because it is challenging. But I will tell you,
• 1:14:39
  it's better on the other side.
• 1:14:40
  They're always better on the other side. It's always better.
• 1:14:43
  Yeah, that's always better. But you got to fill your cup up and take care of you first. That's it.
• 1:14:47
  Fill your cups, ladies. So this is Diva Mia. I hope you have a wonderful day.
• 1:14:52
  This is Diva Khat . I hope this podcast helps.
• 1:14:55
  We're signing off. Talk to you soon.
• 1:15:00
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• 1:15:06
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• 1:15:15
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